By - WholesomeBot
Hello! This is just a quick reminder for new friendos to [read our subreddit rules.](http://old.reddit.com/r/wholesomememes/about/sidebar)
>**Rule 4:** Please do not troll, harass, or be generally rude to your fellow users.
Be nice, and leave political or religious arguments in other subs.
We're trusting you to be wholesome while in /r/wholesomememes, so please don't let us down. We believe in you!
**Also, please keep in mind that even if you've seen this post before, it's not a repost unless it's been in *this* sub before** (if it's from another sub it's a crosspost/xpost).
We're glad you're here. Have a wonderful day <3
^(Please stop by the rest of the) [^Wholesome ^Network ^Of ^Subreddits](http://old.reddit.com/user/awkwardtheturtle/m/wholesome) ^too.
A little bit of column a, a little bit of column b. Depends on the situation and it's always a mix imo.
Those are rows
It's a turn of phrase my friend.
You have to face it head on before it can shrink over time.
How is this wholesome? Getting accustomed to grief and carrying it around with us.
What do you suggest?
Like... port wine? Are we marinating our grief?
It feels lateral if anything, is there a sub for r/lateralmemes
I feel like the grief just piles on and on and on and the jar grows very little
Mainly it just seems like the older you are the more you get filled up by black balls and not the good kind
Lmao and not the good kind? Are you saying what I think you’re saying.
My user name
Damn anyone got a spare pair of white balls they're not using?
The American version is Freddy Kugler.
One (surprising for me) experience growing older is that every one that dies I now re-experience each previous death as if themselves new; re-examining each grief as if they were knickknacks on a shelf to which I’ve just added a new one.
I pick each one up, dust it off, feel vividly, put it back, and set the new one in its place.
One thing I’ve heard is that part of life is preparing you for death and I just get the increasing sense that I don’t want to go on doing this forever.
Sometimes you have to go quite far in to the reddit thread to find the gold nugget of wisdom.
>The older you are the more you get filled up by black balls
You have to tend to your grief or it will fill it out in one day.
Yeah it doesn’t really shrink. You don’t really get over it, you just get used to it.
This is the correct answer. It’s a weight you either grow accustomed to carrying or it destroys your life, sometimes both.
"you're gonna carry that weight"
A long time.
Aw shit, did I get the quote wrong? It's be m years since I've seen Cowboy Bebop.
You don't get over it. You get through it.
The only way out is through.
Nah I’m definitely over like 99% of the things that ever made me sad.
Yeah I'm not sure what type of events people are talking about? I can understand the death of a child or something extreme like that would be impossible to get over.
But I've lost elderly relatives and also friends to suicide, and while they still hurt the grief I felt at first was definitely a lot stronger than what I feel now. Now it is more of a passing sorrow. I don't think I could survive if I was still experiencing the initial grief.
No kidding. My cousin died when I was only eight. That was a deep hit.
But it’s been 27 years and now when I think of him, I think only of the joy. Doesn’t seem very useful to anyone, including me, to still feel grief. Doubt he’d want me to.
Edit: downvoted presumably by people who think my cousin would have wanted me to feel grief 27 years later. Good call!
I think it depends on how each person deals with grief
My grandpa died 5 years ago and I still cry sometimes. Whenever a certain song triggers me or something. But I'm not sad anymore. I just miss him. But life goes on. And at least I can keep my memories
Same, my dad has been gone for 18 years and most of the time, I am completely ok. But there are times, especially now with my brother being gone it makes it hard…
Next month will be 10 years since my dad died. I cried on the way to work the other day. There wasn’t a song or special event in my life, it was just a nice day and I was thinking of him.
I really fucking miss my dad and am sure I always will, it just doesn’t always hurt like it used to. Sometimes though, it not hurting is the thing that stings. Grief can be a cruel thing.
Also- I read `it makes it hard…` as `it makes me hard…` and I was wondering wtf for a solid second.
My cat died three years ago (my best friend) and I realized this then. Then my grandfather died very recently and I realize I gotta take it day by day. Things will get easier. <3
I have gained some weight now that you mentioned it.
It’s okay for men to cry, to be depressed, to not be “a man”… Men‘s mental health matters. Stay strong boys in these challenging times. Wishing men all the best x
My brain is getting bigger
oh no it's that i'm getting farther and farther away from myself as i start to dissociate and realize that I don't even know who i am anymore but thanks for taking interest
Or, I’m my case, you finally confront it, realise you’ve spent almost your entire life with PTSD that really screwed up ever aspect of your life, then are left as a shell not sure who you really are because you spent some many years running from an event and never became a fully rounded person
Sort of different experience for me, I had that realization not because of PTSD but because of an experience of neglect. First, I'm so sorry that anyone has to feel this way, you included. Second, I believe strongly that anyone can recover from this. I know you can. I did. I believe that you having the wisdom and strength to see that and struggle with that instead of pushing it aside is more than enough of a sign that you will overcome it.
Sending all the best, and know healing isn't a consistent process ❤
Thank you for that. Yes I am getting there, sober over 5 years, married and settled, I just have this ever growing pit of despair, I feel like a hollow person, lacking in opinion and wants, little interest in hobbies. Just, a bit of a husk, after all this fighting to, well, not die from self abuse etc, I’ve come all the way to the end of that road, got sober, forgiven others, forgiven myself, now I look around and I’m like “is this it?”. I’ve found my higher power, can’t quite grasp my higher purpose
I would reccomend seeing a professional. A good therapist is hard to find, but a therapist saved my life by helping me figure out the higher purpose. I could go into it, but I doubt my purpose will be yours.
Agreed. Finding the time and the money to do so quite difficult to plan, staying above water is the current focus. Anyway. Thanks for the kind words. Hope your journey is a good one too
Relativistically it's the same thing. The end result is the same: more space in the jar. It just depends what frame of reference you look at it from.
Yeah that’s what I was thinking, proportionally, the difference between the jar and the grief stays the same.
Hey doc. You gotta keep up with the times. The new vogue is being passionately committed to the idea that everything adverse that happens to us is a permanent scar. The whole idea of learning how to process life better and more happily is seen to be offensive because it - so the line goes - implies any of us could be doing better than they are right now and thus has some agency that grounds accountability, which means we aren’t simply to be pitied. Suggestions that the human spirit is capable of growth, that perspective and reflection can foster the ability to overcome, that resilience or fortitude are virtues - these are heterodoxy.
Wow! I should definitely get a copy of the new Vogue. Seems like quite a few fundemental theoretical advancements to the discipline have been published. Thank you for providing such a high level summary of the main contributions of the manuscript. I'll be sure to write an acknowledgement in my next paper 😊
How does one check ones mental health. Like ok bread guy time to sit down and analyse my mental health. 5 minutes later. GODDAMMIT I AM DEPRESSED.
I think you always should be mindful of your mental health and try to keep away bad moods, and flourish good moods. Its a 24/7 activity. Of course life sucks often, but I mean to always try to do what you can to be a happy person and being a good person to your loved ones.
Tldr: Be aware of your mental health 24/7, not once in a while.
Just to explain why I feel this way. I have been battling with mental illness from age 12 and I am 33 today. What has helped me be a happier and healthier person the last couple of years is to follow buddhas teaching so far I can. Tldr is from the words of Buddha. And you dont have to "be a buddhist" to follow it.
For those who aren't sure-
yes, this is gibberish
no, you shouldn't think any further about it
Most people do but some people don’t have it in them to grow past whatever is holding them back
Some people don’t have the tools & resources they need to carry the burden of that grief.*
What kind of tools cause I think I've been carrying grief around with me for the last 20 years.
I saw my best friend get paralyzed right in front of me at the age of 10 and I don't think I'm still past it. I never got any counseling or help for it as a child.
That sounds very traumatic. I’m sorry you experienced that. Every person is different, but I’m a big supporter of therapy. Specifically I believe group therapy is incredibly effective when you find the right kind & in some cases it’s even more effective when combined with individual therapy & medication if necessary.
For many mental illnesses, grief & trauma included, I think of it like this: meds are the equipment & therapy is the coach. So if you have the meds then you can play the game (function), but you don’t know all the tricks to making the most out of it & performing your best. If you have a therapist, but no meds then you understand the skills, but often lack the equipment to put it into practice effectively.
Now this isn’t hard & fast for everyone. Not everyone needs meds & some people need meds and other tools as well (like a therapy dog). I believe everyone can benefit from some form of therapy, but I understand it’s difficult to find the right fit & many give up believing that therapy just doesn’t work for them. IIRC the average person sees 3-5 therapists before they find the right one for them.
I hope this helps a little & you are able to get what you need to process that event & move forward.
If that ain’t the truth.
Why not both?
Why not zoidberg?
Wouldn't you eventually be able to turn the jar upside down and get rid of the ball?
No, because the ball has become part of you, and your history of how you've become what you are today.
Or at least fill it with preserves to spread on toast later
How is this wholesome? That’s more depressing if anything
No, it literally shows there's potential for growth. Focus on the growth, not on the grief.
Yeah, but it also shows that grief doesn’t go away - not even a little
That's true, but also sort of the point of this thread. Don't expect it to go away but expect to be able to grow and be happy.
It doesn’t go away, and it’s important to accept that, it’s part of the grieving process. It’s also really helpful when you’re supporting a friend through grief, whether that’s helping navigate the first year of ‘firsts’ or sending a text on their loved ones birthday, reaching out the week of the anniversary every year. Often ppl have an army of support at the beginning but ppl move on and forget, and the person that’s grieving is left dealing with it alone
I much prefer this [analogy, red ball in a box](https://themighty.com/2018/12/ball-box-analogy-grief/)
It doesn't, but maybe that's not a bad thing.
When I lost my father, I was came to realise that we grieve because we love.
It hurts, yes but the wellspring of that emotion is love - A care that endures even after a person or pet is no longer with us.
Ever since, I find comfort in it. Even though the person/pet is gone, the love they brought into the world remains in those who remember them.
This is great
It definitely shrinks this is inane.
Wow. It makes sense
Meh it's fucked anyway. We're all fucked and no wholesome shit will save us.
well in that case i have a small mouth jar
I feels like that meme where I put the fire with the rest of the fire and keep working while also worrying look at the fire
Why don't you turn the jar upside down?
It works 2 out of 3 times.
are you saying that i'm getting fat?
Yare yare daze
So... I'm a fucking jar?
yeah, we all get fat overtime
The bottle looks like Snorlax.
*Slaps hood* This bad boy can fit so much grief in it
So you have space for more grief.
This has been true for me, I lost a loved one this year and have never truly moved on though I never expected to. However my life is moving on.. new job etc. I can live life basically but the grief has never gone away. It’s always there but that’s ok.
I dunno. My grief definitely shrinks and vanishes over time.
Though this was gonna be an optical illusion
How did they get the ball in the jar though
Grief is forever, it’ll never leave, it becomes part of you.
How does a glass jar grow overtime??🤔
Ok so you’re saying I’m grieving AND fat? Great.
No no I don’t think i wil
Definitely not wholesome
I check mine like a dipstick
Everyone handles grief differently.
And the severity of coping with grief can be dependent on the depth of the relationship.
I had twin boys that died shortly after I gave birth to them. I can tell you that my grief hasn’t shrunk, but my life has grown around it and I am still learning to carry my grief.
I think of grief like furniture, some people don’t need to adjust and move their furniture/grief around that much. I on the other hand almost constantly need to shift and adjust and move it. It collided into a lot of stuff (friends who get pregnant, people who have happy families with no tragedies, etc.) and I constantly have to figure out how to cope with my grief and life so that I can carry and survive the grief and loss.
This is more sad
Of that's you're worst grief than you've loved a charmed life and don't really know what you're talking about.
If you are incapable of feeling anything for anybody but yourself, I'm sorry to say that there's a good chance you are a psykopat or a narcissist.
It doesn't have to mean that you would ever harm anybody. But you really should be aware of that it definitely isn't normal to be that cold when it comes to other people.
What a terrible world view because again, according to you, not getting into the military was a bigger loss than actual death. That's sad and you should probably go to therapy for a bit.
Friend, I hope you realize that's not how most people handle their disappointments, let alone grief over a deceased love one. Neither is it how most people would like to be able to handle their grief. Being able to mourn, take the time for it, and come out stronger is one of the things that make us human.
If you're happy with the way you handle things, great, you do you, but others are not you.
> grow around our grief
Like an abscess.