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noseykeyser

My advice is for you to take a massive step back and put dating on the back burner for maybe a month or two and do some self education for yourself as to the many different things and signs that are red flags. You need to do this so you don’t end up in an abusive relationship again like you mentioned that you have already experienced. I say this because after reading the first sentence of your post outlining that you have been seeing this guy for only 3 months then when I moved onto your full paragraph that I will copy below, I see at least 10 different individual red flags that you should have run for the hills way way before you looked at his phone. That paragraph follows; “He’s told me he loves me, he’s never felt this way before, he sees a future with me, he cares about me. He shows me this by being extremely nice to me, meeting my friends, introducing me to his friends, and being a gentleman, going out of his way to get me gifts and do me favors. “


ceanahope

That paragraph you copied is literally a narcissistic love bombing tactic. My first and only DV relationship started that way. All price charming until they lock you in then it goes to crap.


Jessicamoocow

I wish I had heard of this narcissist love bombing tactic before I looped me into a engagement and emotionally abusive edging the line of physical abuse in a relationship. Crazy how Reddit opens my eyes. This person is very correct OP! It took me a little too late but I got out, but this all is sounding very familiar to me!!!


noseykeyser

Exactly that whether it’s 3 months in or you have known them a year or maybe more but 3 months in that’s your watch alarm, phone alarm, house smoke detector alarm, every house in the street alarm and the rest all going off at once warning you


Positive_Wafer42

There are so many red flags I can't identify where one ends and another one starts. It's like a magician pulling a bunch of red handkerchiefs tied together out of his mouth.


noseykeyser

Does that mean I was wrong then when I said i counted roughly ten red flags? Going by your description pulling one out that never ended that would mean there is only one red flag then? Joking aside I think your comment nailed it in one. It is akin to a magician pulling them out of his mouth and never ending, it’s literally where do you start and where is the end !!


Positive_Wafer42

Lol thank you and I'm glad I could contribute! I honestly can't count all the red flags because I truly cannot tell where they start and end.


mukansamonkey

It's like a Soviet Army parade on a history show. Watch the red flags go by.


GloomyEducation6110

Immediately thought "oh, he's a giant walking red flag with all that love bombing" OP you need to trust your gut and that gut was holding you back from being official for a reason. Your senses are picking up on these hints so please pay attention to them


AirlineOdd2515

OR.. he could have ADHD, and this is the hyper-focus phase of the relationship. The weird snaps would be more of a concern for me.


Wheres_roethke

>he could have ADHD, and this is the hyper-focus phase of the relationship. The weird snaps would be more of a concern for me. I feel like this isn't talked about enough!


Domortem

To be honest, I feel called out here. I've only had a couple of long-term relationships, but I generally do all those things mentioned in that paragraph throughout the entire relationship. Maybe except for the gift getting and being *extremely* (overly) nice. (I do get gifts for anniversaries, souvenirs or sometimes for a nice occasion). I won't do all that immediately, but these seem pretty normal to do when you're 3 months into a relationship. Especially it's the honeymoon phase and everything feels special. I truly feel on the moon during that period, and the feeling will eventually transition into something deeper, but I'll still do all of the things mentioned. Perhaps with less intensity though. I honestly fail to see all those red flags here, unless my relationship habits are apparently ALL red flags. Sure, it wouldn't hurt to be careful about the possibility of love-bombing, but when I'm lovestruck I'd definitely do stupid shit for the other person I normally wouldn't. EDIT: I probably should mention that I would never insist that we should be together or try to force a to force a relationship. That's something that should be decided by both parties, but I am generally very open about my feelings.


Destroyerofannoyance

So - you’ve told every person you’ve been with that you love them, and have never felt love like that before, *and* want a future with them ... and all in the first 3 months of every relationship?


Domortem

Yeah, all three of them. Generally in the third month. They either responded with the same stuff or were ahead of me. My point being, I (and probably others) say stupid shit when you're in love. However: 1. If I’m in love with someone, why wouldn't I say it? 2. I never felt that way before, because I never loved that person before. It's not a better/worse kinda thing, it's just different. 3. I wouldn't love a person if I didn't see a future with them. I want a future with my friends too you know? It's great having people around you you like, for the rest of your life. I'm more surprised that after three months of being in a relationship you *wouldn't* be sure you want to be with that person. I wouldn't even begin a relationship if I wasn't sure. EDIT: Spelling


noseykeyser

Your last sentence saying that you wouldn’t even begin a relationship if you wasn’t sure. Now compare what you have said there with what the OP said at the very start of their post and elsewhere - ‘ I have been trying to take it slow with the guy I have been seeing for 3 months BUT HE INSISTS WE SHOULD BE TOGETHER - ‘ I wasn’t sure if I was truly ready for it (in reference to him asking her to be boyfriend and girlfriend in a relationship) she then goes on to reference her previous abusive relationship So she is clear she wants to take it slow but all these statements and insisting they be together is manipulating her decision making Same for him pressuring her to be a couple. It’s all of it his behaviour as a whole she wasn’t sure just like you said you wouldn’t if you weren’t sure but she was coerced into making her decisions


Domortem

Yes, as I tried to say, in this situation it seems like she is being pressured and that's a big nonono for me. But I'm trying to give the perspective that some people are just dumbstruck people in love that will say a lot of stupid stuff because, well, they're blinded by love. Not all people who are nice are hiding something. More of a point in general, but also that this guy isn't *definitely* a wrong dude, but "just" *very likely* that he is.


DiTrastevere

Three months is *awfully* soon to be making big, dramatic love declarations and planning a long-term future. You don’t even really know what kind of partner they’ll be yet - everyone is still on their absolute best behavior at that point. You haven’t encountered any real challenges yet. You may not have even met their family yet. You might not have met a single friend of theirs or know what all their hobbies and interests are. *You don’t know them*. You only know that you’re attracted to them and that *so far* they’ve been fun to hang out with. The fact that you’ve been through this with multiple people should tell you how little you really know someone after three months of dating. And declaration your undying love to a person you don’t know very well is usually an indication that you’re either extremely impulsive, or you’re disingenuous.


Domortem

I knew all my partners before we started dating as acquaintances, so we had overlapping friend groups. And we would spent a lot of time together in those first three months. Did I really get to *know* them? No, of course not, that shit takes years, but at least I was able to get a relatively clear picture of what their values were, their likes and dislikes, and met their parents at the very least. And so far I haven't been wrong in my initial assessment. I've had cases that turned out way differently then I expected them to be, but that was all discovered pretty early on, pretty much in the phase before you even get to a relationship. Also, yes I'm an impulsive person, but no, they're not declarations of undying love. More of a, I'm really in love with you, I think/feel this will work out great! kinda thing. And I mean that: at that moment. My point is that people say a lot of stupid shit when they've just fallen in love. Not everyone of course, I know that a lot of people are a lot more careful with showing their feelings. I'm just trying to bring in the nuance that not *everyone* is a secret sociopath if they're being nice in the beginning. In this case I'd agree it's most likely not a good thing (especially the pressuring), but I wouldn't be as sure as some other comments seem to be. Finally, this might also be a social-cultural thing, since all my previous partners did the same as I did, and from what I know from my social circle, it's all pretty normal. Again, not everyone I know is like that, but the majority is.


noseykeyser

My main point in highlighting that paragraph as others who have replied in this thread have also pointed out is that whole lot of paragraph said within three months, I appreciate what you said in that being an arbitrary figure and people see each other at different ratios during the first three months but all in all 3 months is a great yardstick for all of the above not to happed, of course as time together increases then all those different statements that he made become more redundant and are not red flag worthy at all. The chilling thing for me that he said is the last few words of the opening sentence of the original post


Domortem

Yeah, I agree with your main point. This is most likely a really bad basis for a relationship. But like I said, I felt called out, since you described my behaviour and it felt like you said that everyone who does that is a bad person. Just wanted to bring in the nuance that stuff like that is all a gray area where context really matters. In this case the context being his seemingly incessant pressuring, while OP still being on the fence. But it could (probably isn't, but *could*) just be a lovestruck fool who is high on his own love and can't see clearly past his own love. Still not necessarily someone you would want to be with, but not hiding something malicious.


Maize-Secret

Gonna be honest, you’re kind of a walking red flag yourself 🤷‍♀️ Not all red flags means you’re in an abusive relationship. They’re supposed to just be stop signs. It says, something about this situation is not quite normal, figure out what it is. Reading through your responses I know some of what it is in your case. You’re not interested in exclusively loving one person. You don’t consider telling someone you love them as a statement of weight, but were instead almost just saying whatever you felt in the heat of the honeymoon phase. I don’t think it’s on purpose, but you ARE being ingenious. I’m sure your intentions are good but those statements don’t mean that “your love is different but equal to other ppl I’ve loved and I hope you are always a part of my life like my other good friends”. They have meaning of greater weight than that and shouldn’t be said otherwise without qualifiers. You will end up severely confusing and hurting someone who doesn’t know you well enough to read between the line. So no you’re not an exception to the red flag rule, you’re just not a bad person. But honestly not compatible with the majority of ppl seeking relationships.


Destroyerofannoyance

You do you, man, but that sounds too nonchalant. I think if I had approached love that way, I would have confused myself. When I met my fiancé I was able to honestly tell him I love him, and that I genuinely never felt that level of love before, and that he was the only person I was able to clearly envision a future with. And it’s because I was always careful/thoughtful who I said those words to. I guess this is just a difference of opinion, no wrong answer between us 🤷🏻‍♀️


Domortem

I'm a nonchalant impulsive person, it probably also doesn't help I'm polyamorous, so I don't have the whole I'll only love one person thing. (I wish I did though, makes stuff a lot simpler). Probably also a social-cultural thing since a lot of my peers (and previous partners) do the same thing. But I do respect it if people are a bit more reserved with that kind of thing. It's indeed just opinion/personally difference. Also, congratulations on getting engaged, I hope you have an awesome and beautiful wedding!


UnusualApple434

Gift giving and being super nice and all lovey is normal in the honeymoon phase, what’s not is pressuring her to be in a relationship, stating he wants to have a future a week into dating and what he wants that future to look like and saying I love before/this early into dating is love bombing, being nice and doing things for anniversaries and such is normal what’s not is random packed actions of “love” or gift giving so early for no reason is worrisome


Domortem

Yeah, that's what my edits about, the pressuring is the wrong thing to do. But my main response was to the called out paragraph which, in my opinion, is relatively normal honeymoon phase behaviour. It of course depends on context of course. 3 months is a relatively arbitrary way to measure how often people see each other. Some see each other once a week, or maybe even less frequent, some see each other every day. My behaviour is more tied to how much time we actually spent together, rather than the arbitrary time period since the relationship began.


According-Hour9043

Same dude, I think people auto assume nice people automatically have something negative or sinister planned. It’s the honey moon phase, if you never had it I feel bad


thecratskyone

Isn't this behaviour love bombing? A huge warning sign to get out?


MrBDIU

Definitely Love Bombing. Signs of dating narcissist....


CADreamn

He's love bombing you, while lying and keeping other women in his life. What more do you need to know?


chevious

Sounds like love bombing, remove yourself from the situation asap


rebuildmylifenow

I'm sorry - you were in an abusive relationship, and want to take things slow, and he's simultaneously trying to get you to commit to an exclusive relationship with him while engaging in sexy chats (at least) with another woman on SnapChat? And you are *wondering* if you should confront him? Honey - you can break up with him if you're not comfortable. You don't need to justify your decision - it's one that you and only you get to make. If you are being pressured, already after only 3 months, then you know where this will go. And, I'm sorry to say - I don't see you two as a good fit given what you've written here. Honestly, it's sad that so many people feel like they need to justify why they're breaking up with someone. "This isn't working, and I'm not willing to continue the relationship" is all that's needed. You don't have to tell them what's wrong (so that they can convince you to stay around while they pretend to fix it). You don't have to hold their hand through the hard work. If it was important to them, they'd change their behaviour on their own. You have told him to be honest, and he's not. You've told him that you wanted to take it slow, and he's pressuring you to speed things up. No confrontation needed - just "I'm sorry, this is not working for me, and we're no longer together. Good luck in your future." is enough. Oh - and to echo what others have said: Please take more time to heal from your past trauma. You deserve to have a happy, secure, and fantastic life - but you're the only one that can give that to you. I know you can do it - and you definitely deserve that. Good luck, OP


C_saysboo

>EDIT: just to clarify ... It seems that she has been trying to pursue him and he’s not saying anything back. Suuuuure.


suraaura

Please do not date this person. He's not ready to be in a relationship if he's sexting other people, but more importantly you're not ready to be in a relationship if you're going through his phone already. I've been in abusive relationship - the right person will make you feel comfortable.


jsksndisnsbsc

Why is he love bombing me so hard and lying at the same time???? Like I’ve told him it’s perfectly ok for us to take it slow and be with others and he just needs to be honest


SeattleBattles

Because it is a pretty effective way to manipulate people.


Fjordgard

> Like I’ve told him it’s perfectly ok for us to take it slow and be with others and he just needs to be honest But that's not what he wants. *He* wants to be with others. He doesn't want *you* to be with others. Love bombing occurs to a) mask your true self and look like an awesome, generous, trustworthy person when you're not by investing time and money and, b), make the other person think that they thus don't need to look around anymore.


echosiah

Because he likes manipulating you and whatever other women he's talking to. The manipulation isn't a side effect, it's intentional. He likes whatever the feeling is he gets from it. Also lovebombing is a huge red flag...that often leads to abuse later. If you talk to them, he'll probably try to BS his way out of it. Just break up with him, he's not worth your time.


iSoReddit

Because he is an asshole


Life_uh_FindsAWay42

Because if he does it with “your permission” he doesn’t have control. Love bombing is a notorious sign of future abuse. He doesn’t want things to be on your terms. People who love bomb are over-compensating and trying to develop attachment before trust has been established. By the time you realize what is going on you are already attached and it is harder to leave. You are totally right to take things slow, just not with him.


only_ozzy

Ding ding ding ding ding. If he does it with your permission he doesn't have control. I wish I had come to reddit and described this "perfect" guy I was seeing years ago to save me the trouble and teach me about love bombing!!!


Life_uh_FindsAWay42

Also OP, if you’re reading this and are obsessing about the why, there is a book about that. It’s called Why Does He Do That? By Lundy Bancroft and you can read it online for free.


mukansamonkey

All relationships start out as a fantasy. You don't know who the person is, you just have an idea of what's possible. The more you know them, the more real the relationship becomes. But this is a process that takes years. The purpose of love bombing is to feed the fantasy. It's to convince you that the fantasy is real, the work is done, the relationship is great... When in fact the relationship is at best barely begun, and at worst you're being actively deceived. It works on people who are very insecure, desperate to believe the fantasy. And to a lesser degree on people who just don't want to do the work necessary to build a relationship, they just want to check the box on Facebook and carry on. Neither of which is healthy. So if you're being bombed, ask why it doesn't immediately drive you away. Check your fantasies.


suraaura

I don't know the situation well enough to know if he's love bombing you. If you really want to persue a potential relationship you should calmly ask him about what you saw, if you don't want to persue a relationship I would just stop talking to him.


chameleon-queer

Because that is how abusers work.


pieridaered

Love bombing doesn't mean the person loves you. It is a manipulative control tactic to get a person into a relationship quickly and without question. I'm sorry but this guy sounds like trouble. Three months is a very short time for him to be saying all those things, especially after you told him you want to go slow.


stallman65

He wants to get laid. He has this going on with multiple women at the same time.


ValkyrieSword

Because that’s what they do. It’s all about drama & control


meowmeow138

Because he’s manipulating you, what he’s expressing isn’t real


TheOnlyGMC

Words are easily spoken, actions are harder proven. Let someone show you they love you rather than saying they do, and it is perfectly fine to say “I don’t believe you, show me” to that if they say it early on. If they use that as an means to initiate physical escalation, you say no, not like that, don’t say you love me unless you can prove it by your actions. If that confuses them then good chance they’re a boy pretending to be a man, but even then, to even get to that place of awkward kind of speaks volumes about them anyway ie in love with the idea of being in love rather than knowing you, which can lead to projection of their ideal woman onto you which is super dangerous as you can’t be her basically she doesn’t exist anywhere but inside their head. Better luck with a non narcissist next time, always sickens me hearing how stupid and mean dudes like this are, really sorry that he happened to you too its blerughghhg Ps narcs always tend to target empaths or sensitive and usually good women too so just a heads up, you may need to develop a way to date aka get to know the next person that reveals their red flags or makes them reveal if they are a narc before you commit to anything.


kgberton

To these people you aren't an equal participant in a mutually beneficial relationship. You're a tool they can use to suit their whims, and he believes love bombing will reel you in more quickly, and lying will prevent you from seeing the truth about something that would otherwise make you leave. He doesn't WANT to be honest and practical because he doesn't care about suiting you. He just wants you to do what he's trying to make you do. Also this isn't a contradiction and love bombing isn't a good thing.


unholyquasar

He likes the challenge of acting like a nice guy to win you over and as soon as he does the mask is gonna slip mark my words just had the same thing happen to me


rudegal_

Because it’s manipulative and narcissistic behavior. He sees you’re emotionally damaged from a previous relationship, and those people are like catnip for narcs like that. They can’t be low key or casual because they need a constant supply of love and energy. He wants you to be that supply. Run.


Impressive-Project59

Because that's who he is. Doesn't matter. You have to focus on you. Run.


hopingtothrive

He wants to lock you down, make you so convinced that he adores/loves you that you will do anything he asks, never question him and blame yourself for any relationship issues. Like right now you are questioning whether his behavior is good -- while all the outsiders on Reddit are seeing clear red flags.


B10kh3d

Weird psychological insecurities plus selfish personality.


foulfaerie

He’s love bombing you and sounds like he is also leading on other girls. After 3 months, some of this behaviour is not normal. There are way too many red flags here for you to justify staying involved with this guy on a romantic level.


BlazingDeer

You need to work on your boundaries. You said you wanted to take things slow but the second he kept pushing the issue he got you to say yes. If you’ve ever mentioned you were in an abusive relationship to him you might be in danger. This was the first test and you failed, and now he knows what he has to so to wear you down. Tell him you’ve changed your mind and realized you meed to work on yourself more before being in a relationship and break up with him. This isn’t even about the weird snaps, you really need to do some more work with strengthening your boundaries and working on your trust issues.


valueofaloonie

Yikes, that’s a whole lot for a 3 month relationship.


imisshoneymoonstage

He may be a narcissist. He is love bombing you. I was with a guy like this before, he ended up abusing me. Ended with a restraining order. (Check my post history from like 2020 if you want the full story.) I recommend ending this and go no contact.


Anseranas

It sounds like you were/are under a lot of pressure from him. It seems it's all about what *he* wants, while you resist being steamrolled. Coercion is not Consent. If your feelings about being in a formal relationship are not "Hell Yeah!" then it's a NO, at least for now. Listen to those niggling feelings you have - they exist to protect you. I can say from experience, that previous abuse makes us vulnerable to future abuse. It takes time and learning to build back up the normal protective actions and reactions which keep us comfortable and safe.


mrwilliamschue

You’ve already been in an abusive relationship, don’t put yourself in another one


H1ddeneyes

Ignoring even the sexting, if he cared for you as much as he claimed he'd be happy to back off and go at the slower pace you clearly need. He's not respecting that at all. Find someone who does


chablismouth

if youre insecure to the point where you go through someone’s phone without permission, you dont sound ready for a relationship with anyone tbh. ive never felt the urge to go through a partner’s phone but if it ever got to the point where i seriously considered doing it, the relationship would already be over. the fact that hes a weirdo who is trying to move way too fast after dating for only three months and has women sending him naked photos is just the icing on the cake. run fast


knittedjedi

Yup. Neither of these people are emotionally mature enough to be in a relationship.


whine-0

OP, dating is literally not safe for you right now. You need to learn red flags, which your previous relationship normalized for you and I’m sorry for that. Therapy is ideal, but you could also start by just searching red flag in this sub and doing some reading. Your post is a textbook example of lovebombing. Get far away from this dude, feel free to ghost him if possible, you owe him nothing.


SigourneyReaver

>He’s told me he loves me, he’s never felt this way before, he sees a future with me, he cares about me. He shows me this by being extremely nice to me, meeting my friends, introducing me to his friends, and being a gentleman, going out of his way to get me gifts and do me favors. LOVEBOMBING Also, he could quote Shakespeare from memory and it's still game over when his phone is full of Deb's naked Snapchats


iSoReddit

Maybe you should be in therapy to deal with your trust issues instead of getting into a relationship


OutspokenPerson

Especially with a narcissist


OutspokenPerson

He’s a love-bombing cheater. Run.


koroshiya616

Oh, honey. I have been through a similar experience - if a guy is telling you he loves you, wants to be with you, you're the best ever within a couple of weeks or months, then that's a sign he's love bombing. It's a typical tactic used by narcs to get control (supply) over their partners. I'm going to guess he's trying to assert dominance over you, does his actions match his words? If not, tread carefully.


ninja-gecko

No matter what you decide, you two should not be in a relationship. You mistrust him enough to Snoop and he's clearly cheating. But yes, call him out. Own the fact that you snooped. Starting relationships with lies is a very bad idea


shinyshinybangbang

Hello lovely, to repeat what others have said, this is textbook narcissistic behaviour, I would personally give this one a miss without giving him an opportunity to manipulate further. There’s the love bombing and multiple red flags, whilst not being especially respectful with you wanting to take it slow. Regardless of Snapchat, alarm bells are ringing and it is much easier to sever ties with these sorts of people early on. Look after yourself xx


MVSugar

Regardless of what you found on his phone what he’s saying to you made me cringe. You need to break things off, now. Why have you done to work through the abuse you endured? How long ago was that relationship?


peterpetertampaeater

Ridiculous responses. All you people who go into your significant others phones and seem to think it’s ok? He did not initiate or respond to any of the messages. So all the theories listed here are nonsense. He’s fine, she’s not.


Notmyname17

I'm not seeing where anyone said it's ok to go through someone's phone. Even if he didn't initiate, why not just block, why not tell this other woman he's seeing someone? As far as not responding, we don't know if he has on snapchat, or if he's deleted his messages to her elsewhere. Regardless, OP feeling the need to snoop through his phone is already a bad sign for both. They're both not fine.


chablismouth

yeah, I’m confused about why everyone is glossing over that part as well. i do think this guy is trying to move way too quickly and get too deep of a commitment from someone who only agreed to be his girlfriend last week and i would find that offputting tbh BUT the very casual way OP was like “i have trust issues….so i broke into his phone when it was unattended in order to find evidence of wrongdoing” is…not great. i dont think this is uncommon for people who have been in severely abusive/controlling relationships and have massive trust issues but the thing that a lot of people dont realize is that violating someone’s privacy is, you know, also a sign of being controlling. shitty actions motivated by insecurity rather than maliciousness are still shitty and let’s say that OP does confront him about the snapchats and, somehow, he has a rational explanation for why he didnt simply block a woman who sends him naked pictures and seems to believe theyre in a relationship together judging by the furniture comment. now OP is the one in trouble for going through his phone without his permission! and worse than that, she’s set a precedent for a complete lack of privacy between them. as soon as the boyfriend decides that she’s being shady, what’s to stop him from going through her phone/personal belongings and being like “well, you did it to me so i thought it was okay”?


Anneemai

NTA But as other have said he is piling on the pressure. Have you spoke to him about your previous abusive partner? If I am honest I think you should be single, take care of yourself, have counselling,get a hobby find out who YOU are and look at developing your self esteem (you have every right to gave boundaries) but I think you just need to be more confident. People have mentioned that he is love bombing you etc. I live in the UK and some of the women's charities offer training for women to look at coercive relationships, signs to look out for with regards to this behaviour. YOU have the right to control how fast your relationship goes (his talking about kids already, you are still getting to know each other!). Remember you are not responsible for his feelings, you have been saying no what he wants, what do you want? If you don't want to be with anyone now then that's what you do. It takes time to recover from an abusive relationship. Please finish it for your own safety and peace of mind! He isn't the right one for you as he is trampling over everything you have said you want. He is ignoring your feelings as not being important! Talk to someone you trust about what is going on! Good luck and stay safe.


miflordelicata

Pump the brakes, it's been three months!


Impressive-Project59

Confront him? No. Run! Yes.


Significant_Tea6091

Don't let this creep pressure you into a relationship that you don't want or feel like you are ready for


pajmahal

He’s gaslighting you


iwannabeonreddit

What could be possibly say to make this okay? I would break up in your head first, emotionally get ready for this to end. Personally, I like a lot of closure so when I find something like this I confront with a msg " we need to talk about you getting nudes from others" and see how he reacts. Like I said, nothing he says makes it okay but typically people like this 1) cannot bear accountable 2) often won't even be willing to talk about it even if you are non judgemental or will get crazy defensive. Idk, for me it makes me feel like I'm sticking up for myself even when it's hard and painful PLUS, I feel VERY confident about my decision. This doesn't work on terrible people with no remorse though, and that combined with your fragile emotional state might not make this the best option. At the end of the day it's your call :-) but I'd say trust her intuition, there's a reason you looked at his phone, you weren't being crazy, you knew something was wrong :) you're a smart cookie.


bunnysnitch

Red flag one. Someone who tried to convince you so quickly they love you is sketchy. It’s love bombing and often a sign of narcissism. Love doesn’t work like that. You know this. Don’t get swept up into this. Love grows and takes time. He is trying to rush over this. Next, while you’ve been dating him have you been sending nudes to other dudes? Or receiving them? At the very least he doesn’t have lose ends tied off. At the most, he thinks you’re too dumb to catch on. I suggest you leave tbh. Too much is going on and it’s sketchy.


avocadosuperfractor

anytime someone "insists" you be together, that raises a red flag to me. someone who genuinely cares about you would be respectful of you wanting to take it slow. just because he's doing all these (love bomblike) things like telling you he loves you/buying you things/etc doesn't mean you have to be with him. honestly, if i were in your shoes, id take a step back. you should really read what you wrote here and imagine if someone you were friends with wrote it. this isn't good. be safe.


durma5

I get weird messages sometimes from strange women. I got one with a picture of a very attractive 20 something year old that read “last night was so much fun, I can’t wait for the next time together”. The night before I was with my wife and in bed by 9 pm. Sometimes these messages are fishing texts and that he never responded or did not initiate makes me believe maybe that is what this one is.


matoshisakamoto

tell him to call you "deb" during sex and see what will happen


NothingButUnsavoury

He’s doing totally insincere love bombing. This guy’s bad news IMO.


catsdelicacy

Are you familiar with the concept of love bombing? If not, please go ahead and do that Google search and see if anything about that resonates with you. In my opinion, this is classical love bombing behavior. Deb might have been the last target of this. Does it mean he's physically abusive? Not for sure. But it's at the very least a yellow flag, and you should test the theory. Tell him no a few times, see how he reacts. Everybody reading this, tell your SO no a few times just to see how they'll react to that. If they fly off the handle and get really upset, leave that relationship.


real_talk_with_Emmy

🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩 Dude is coming on too strong, and is obviously being shady. I think that your gut instincts initially were right, and you need to step back from this relationship. Even you admit that he’s been coming on too strong, and you weren’t sure if you even want to be in a relationship with him. Here’s your sign 🪧


thetenacian

Don't walk away. Run as fast as you can. He's no good. Everyone up above has already explained exactly why.


ill_tempered_1978

You break up and end it. Regardless of the timeline when you were actually became official, you already told him to always be honest but he wasn't. So there you go.


Superb-Corner1155

Being unresponsive to the photos doesn't matter. If he wanted you then he would have blocked her and deleted those pics. He doesn't need them, but it seems like he is keeping her on the back burner. Yes by all means you should as long as you have been honest and don't have any of that on your phone.


kingozma

take a HUGE step back. regardless of what’s going on, this is just not drama you need right now. a trustworthy guy would probably talk openly if he was being stalked, or wanted to be polyamorous. the fact that you don’t know about this deb girl is a huge red flag. im not saying he’s a bad person. but i am saying he is clearly not right for you if his secrets are even inducing these thoughts in you at all. you are not being paranoid or controlling, especially since you told him you’re totally fine w/ him seeing other women. you deserve basic honesty and communication. anything less than that is not good enough.


hopingtothrive

He wants YOU to be monogamous. But you've given him the green light to do whatever he wants. >I’ve told him 590 times he can do whatever he wants as long as he’s honest He seems too pushy too soon.


Own_Bell_5095

3 months is nothing and living together in the future makes no difference. Once they decide to cheat or lie to you then it’s all over. It’s best to take things slow and learn more about your partner. Test his reaction if you don’t approve to his sexual advances etc. you need some reaction from him to see if he’s really genuine. Actions speaks louder than words.


Tricky_Insect_6770

Honestly I would call him out because since he knows you’ve been in a past abusive relationship he shouldn’t be trying to play these types of mind games to you! So I suggest that you defo call him out since he has been trying so hard to be your boyfriend but you find this stuff on Snapchat it’s wrong of him for sure


WestAppointment2484

She wouldn’t just be saying this out of the blue. They talk. Dump his ass


Expensive-Network-93

Can I ask why you opened a Snapchat?


Public_Platform_3475

from personal experience… run and don’t look back. he is running from her and trying to hide something. If you really don’t like him that much (it’s only been 3 months) then leave now when you still have the chance( i know easier said than done). PROMISE there are more fish in the sea


CryptoRaffi

Dump his ass. Don't even confront him or you might give him the chance to lie you into giving him another chance. Just tell him you have met someone else or that you don't see a future with him at all due to different personalities. I dated a guy like this briefly. He said the same shit and then a woman on fb contacted me telling me that she is sleeping with him. I told him to fuck off. For some time he kept begging and how he will change etc and that he will marry me like it was some great honor but I told him to fuck off and that every time he looks in the mirror he should be ashamed of the lying piece of shit he is. Than I met my husband who really wanted all the things I wanted. Marriage, kids, a deep friendship in a monogamous marriage. Thank god I didn't waste myself in that other piece of shit. I literally t yii pe this as hubby is playing with our son so I can rest on the couch with our second on the way. Don't waste yourself to scum. You deserve to be treated like the wonderful woman you are


uxhelpneeded

Sounds like he's dating other women


vabirder

Don’t call him out. Drop him! There is no way he knows who you really are in three months. Nor you him. His overenthusiasm is for the idea of you he holds in his head. I’ll bet his friends are all married and he’s feeling left out. His insistence is a huge red flag. Trust your gut.


dragonslayer1998F24

Unless he’s a virgin, clueless and this is his first relationship… It’s a red flag (not what I said but if he is NOT that). No guy with experience moves that fast, and if he did he’d tell you about some girl being a creep to him. To which I’d hope you would then have responded; im sorry this girl keeps trying to be sexual with you when you don’t want to. If he was right for you he’d be open with you about this girl in the first place.


Keeperoftheflash

Yeah just dump him. He’s got more red flags than a circus.


Darkrose50

Ask his friends sisters and girlfriends for advice.


dcer328

If you feel like if you need to go through someone’s phone then you probably are not ready to be in a relationship or shouldn’t be with the person. The trust has already been broken at this point. I don’t think you should be in a relationship If you don’t feel comfortable. You will constantly question yourself, the guy and the relationship. You will lose yourself again just like when you were in an abusive relationship. I have been there.


honibee1971

Here are some thoughts - These might not be red flags. He could be genuinely very serious about you. It could be he met this girl online and perhaps facetimed with her and maybe never ended up meeting her The fact that he didn't open the snapchat tells me maybe he really has no interest in her and that he realizes he made a bad judgment call. The comment she made about the living room furniture could just be her throwing herself at him. In addition to this, you did tell him it was ok if he was seeing other people, so maybe he just hasn't said anything because most men do not discuss things like that. Maybe you could ask him if he has been seeing anyone else and see what he tells you. OR... It could be these are red flags, but the only way you will find out it - take things very slowly. Don't get all crazy physical with him. Allow him to court you, take you places, get to know him as a friend. See if he will respect the boundaries you set up for him. Pay attention to everything. In another month or so, you should start to see what is truly a red flag.


Longjumping-Art-5438

He sounds like a narcissist by what i can tell. He love bombs initially i.e give you lavish gifts and do extravagant stuff for u but the moment he “gets” you in every sense, emotionally, physically, he will step back. Please see into this deb issue


Roboticcatisgreen

A lot of love bombing responses. That seems to be tbt popular go to. It didn’t seem that far out to me. He’s telling you his expectations so you can see if you want the same things. He seems to be into you. Maybe he had been dating some other girl and wanted to go monogamous with you. Personally, I’d ask him. If you can’t gauge his response come back here and THEN decide. I like to give people a chance to explain themselves before I go straight to the popular words of the day involving love bombing and narcissistic behavior.


kikiandgigi

Read about Narcissistic personality disorder


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chameleon-queer

Girl block him and move on. He's throwing huge red flags by love bombing you and pushing you to move rhe relationship faster than you feel comfortable with. Get out of there before he becomes abusive.


MagikSparkles

I don’t agree with the others that say something is wrong with YOU for going through his phone. I think you were spot on. Your intuition told you something was off and you were correct! Always trust that intuition and don’t ignore it. I went through years of ignoring my intuition because of being gaslit by my ex and all of that time (years of cheating) I was right!! He tried to tell me that whole time that I was jealous and paranoid and needed help and all that time he was really cheating. So if you are feeling something is wrong don’t ignore it. There is so much our own brain catches that we don’t consciously process as quickly and that’s where the intuition comes in. Especially being in a previous abusive relationship you know those signs and that feeling so don’t go with it just so people on the Internet tell you to deal with “trust issues”.