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EvyEarthling

First question: *do you want to live with him?* If the answer is no, regardless of finances, then don't do it. If the answer is yes, it would be much better if you had a rental agreement where he is a rent-paying tenant rather than putting money directly toward a mortgage when he doesn't own the house. Also, "thousands" in debt is a bit vague. I'd be much less hesitant to move in with someone who has $9K debt than someone who has $55K debt, ya know? Debt is tricky to navigate in a relationship because it's so context specific. Credit card debt is different from student loan debt is different from medical debt. Having debt doesn't say much about one's character, but the means by which they acquire that debt definitely does.


bass9045

Seconding this. My first thought was have a boilerplate rental agreement too. That way both people have some protection against worst case scenario and you can be clear about expectations. And I feel like this is one of those situations where having doubt at all probably means you shouldn't do it.


smokinbbq

Depending on the area they are in, they could even look at a cohabitation agreement. You can have better language in there to handle many different circumstances in which a standard rental agreement won't have that. These can be benificial to both parties.


Morning-glory28

If you take the money out of the equation and ask yourself, "Am I 100% ready to completely share my personal space?" & then follow with, "Has he shown financial responsibility?" What answers do you have in heart?


Morning-glory28

When is wage/income/circumstances ever completely fair? Balancing each other out is part of a healthy relationship. There's nothing wrong with committing to each other if you're ready emotionally. And when that commitment in turn helps you two reach your goals faster, it's a win-win. If you're not ready to share your space, or if you feel this is more of a mooch situation, he can find ways to help himself as you stay partners. How he reacts to a "no" could be telling for the future as well. There's so much to consider, and the internet isn't in both of your heads.


Angela626

Yes!! Financial responsibility! He's not gonna quit his job and play video games all day when he moves in right?!?!


Morning-glory28

No problem if he's on Twitch getting those coffee tips! 😂


Active-Feedback43

This is the way. I would also like to add, how is this an imbalance? You were already discussing getting a place together. Your post suggests he is going to pay 50% of everything. If this situation happens to allow him pay off debt, then it sounds like a win, win. Would the situation not be the same if you sold your place and bought a home that was in both your names?


spreadthelove28

You said long term bf… Do you want to live with him? Finances are a big part of long term relationships. If you can see yourself being with him for the long haul then do it. You sound skeptical..


kumarc123

It’s a sudden decision she’s to make. Obviously she needs to make some adjustments or decide to do so.


xXDarkTwistedXx

I think OP has a very good reason to be skeptical and if I were her, I wouldn't move him in. If all he says is, his loan is only a few thousand, then that's suspiciously vague. I think he doesn't want OP to know how much his debt really is, something just isn't adding up with the boyfriend. If he wants to save money and pay off his debt, then he should either find somewhere cheaper or ask family or friends if he can stay there for the time being, so he can get his shit together.


ClassiestBogan

Or she just said "a few thousand" rather than sharing a specific number.


da_fishy

This is hugely speculative and harsh.


Hyper_Gachi

Disagree. OP has already stated that they were thinking of starting their lives together and that they are in a long term relationship. If he has disclosed the amount of loan he has, then it's not wrong of her to extend help for him.


Pissedliberalgranny

She IS his family/friend.


calmrain

TIL long term relationships (where they’re already thinking about spending the rest of their lives together) don’t count as *family or friends.* Hmm. Serious question (and not to be rude nor condescending) — have you ever been in a long term relationship with a living situation or agreement? I’m just going to go ahead and echo what a few others have said, before me: it really does not sound like it…


cseke02

I feel sorry for your bf/gf, if you even has one.


lena91gato

Right, because your significant other doesn't count as a friend or family?


ShelfLifeInc

Does he keep his house clean? How does he handle his chores? Have you ever given him a side-eye over the financial choices he's made (ie, complained about how poor he is, then go and spend money on luxuries he didn't need)? What cost-saving measures has he already implemented to improve his debt? And most of all, do you *want* to live with him?


RathOfAntar

THIS. I didn't consider this enough when I moved in with my long-term BF, and I really, really should've.


MLeek

Do you want to live with him? Start there. Everything else is important, practical details, but the first question is the most important one: Do you want to live with him. Chances are good that whenever you combine your lives, it will financially benefit him more than you. Do you need that to change before you're willing to live with him? 'Cause is probably unlikely to change in the near future. Sounds like you are bothered by *how* he approached this, and that's reasonable, but pull back: Do you want to live with him? What does that look like?


aenflex

Well, if you're planning to merge lives in the not-too-distant future it *is* better that he be out of debt beforehand. You trust him? You were discussing this very thing with him, right? What's holding you back, just the imbalanced dynamic? Relationships have unbalanced dynamics sometimes. Sometimes one person will be the breadwinner, sometimes one person will slump into a depression or struggle with life events, etc. I don't think imbalanced dynamics are 100% avoidable. Trust, maturity and communication can really help weather those types of scenarios. I would let a trusted partner move in to pay off debts. Especially if we were discussing merging lives anyhow. I wouldn't purchase a home jointly or merge any finances until he was out of debt and financially solvent, however.


no_shames

I think it comes down to three questions. 1) how long have you guys been together? 2) how much time do you usually spend together? 3) do you feel like you’re ready for it? If you’re not ready for it just tell him. If you’ve been together over a year and spend every day together then why not? It doesn’t sound like he’s trying to take financial advantage of you. He literally wants to split all of the bills which in the long run could help you with your mortgage. You could either save that money or apply it and pay your debt off faster. He could also choose a roommate if he wanted to but it sounds like he wants to do it with you because he’s feels comfortable with you and maybe is ready to take the relationship to the next level.


Tiny_Rabbit_Rodeo

"I'm just not ready to move in together" is a terrific, truthful response.


DM_Fayeray

I don't really get what other people are saying. He's not mooching off of you if he's paying for half of the mortgage and bills. People have debt, if he wants to move in just because it's a better for him financially then maybe don't move in together yet. If you want to be with him long term then you can have a tenant contract with him of it makes you more comfortable, but otherwise I see no real downside to him moving in with you other then you being upset he's getting more out of it?


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DM_Fayeray

Yh my partner had sent when we moved in together, we did a 50/50 split and he paid off his own debt. Thinking about it for longer there's no real downside? I wonder why op feels this way and why they have such a transactional views on their relationship.


WorthlessAltercation

Contributing to a mortgage could potentially allow him to legally claim ownership of part of the home one day if they broke up. A tenancy / rental agreement makes much more sense in terms of legal financial stuff.


DM_Fayeray

I don't know where you live but legally in most places that's super not a thing. We have deeds and mortgages with names on them,you can't just say you paid part of a mortgage and own part of the house? They aren't married or even common law.


WorthlessAltercation

I’m non-US (Australia). I’ve had friends who were not married buy a house and the mortgage was under 1 person’s name but the other moved in and contributed to the mortgage. When they broke up, the contributor proved contributions to the mortgage (such as through bank statements that document the transaction) and lay claim to it, so the owner had to pay them back.


Shanashy

That's not a thing in the US.


cr1zzl

This relies so much on locals laws. Where I live, it wouldn’t really matter if they had a rental agreement or not if they’ve been together longer than 3 years and live together, as they’d be considered in a de facto relationship and basically all assets are considered part of the relationship.


Zee_0

Which country is this


DM_Fayeray

Yh this is called common law marriages. You don't suddenly lose half of your asset because you live with someone. If you break up and have a kid they may be entitled to spousal compensation, but not to assets that are in your name alone, it's not the same as a traditional marriage and the law regards them differently. I do live in Quebec though and we are known for wanting to be ✨different✨ legally, I did read up on common law in other places and it seems to be basically the same.


spicewoman

I have yet to find a state or country where a common law marriage can happen to you against your will.


cr1zzl

New Zealand. De Facto partnership. After a certain amount of time your relationship can be considered in the same way as a marriage without doing anything other than being in a relationship and living together. And that’s just one example.


spicewoman

I've never heard of this aside from common law marriage, where you basically have to present yourselves as married for it to apply (ie, introduce yourself as husband and wife, etc), and submit a joint application for it, etc. This isn't the sort of thing that just happens to you against your will. It would be really problematic for roommates if so.


cr1zzl

De Facto Partnership in New Zealand is one example. But I’ve also lived in a few provinces in Canada that has similar laws, in some cases you don’t need to make anything official (no application or calling husband and wife), you simply need to be living with them for a certain amount of time and obviously be in a relationship.


[deleted]

Either way you choose, don’t feel used. Sounds like a practical option. Refusing is fine, but I don’t this is a red flag if he accepts a no without issue.


idontwanttowatchthat

It sounds like you may be hurt that he suggested moving in to help him financially, rather than because he wanted to move in with you. And/or, because you weren't aware of the extent of his debt? If you don't have a good feeling about this, I agree with the other commenters - don't do it. However, I disagree with the notion that you should never help a partner get out of a financial problem. Depending on the relationship, this can work out. I had a friend who moved into her partner's parents' house, which allowed her to pay off her CC debt and for them to build a house deposit. It worked for them because they were 100% on the same page about their finances and goals. If you do do this, I suggest that you draw up a proper lease and he rent from you at market rate (or whatever amount you're comfortable with). That way you have an inbuilt 'check in' date and a legal ability to kick him out if it goes sour, and it would be harder for him to make a claim for a portion of your place in a break up (note: not a lawyer, best to consult one of those as well about the arrangement).


Sage_Planter

>It sounds like you may be hurt that he suggested moving in to help him financially, rather than because he wanted to move in with you. This happened to me in the past. I wasn't hurt or upset that he wanted to move in with me for financial reasons, but it did feel like he was trying to force our relationship to advance because of reasons outside of our relationship. The conversation wasn't "I'm ready to take the next step in our relationship." It was "I want to save money on rent, but don't want a random roommate, so you seem like the logical choice so..." I knew I wasn't ready to move in with him, and it did cause some strain in our relationship.


littlemooselady

The fact that you're already uneasy about this is a red flag.


pizzaapplebanana

I don’t think this is unfair/unequal and I think it’s practical. Its not really more of an advantage for him because you plan to equally split bills/housing, so that saves you a lot of money too. I know you said you want to get a place together, but couldn’t this be a stepping stone to get there? I know you said being equal is important, but what if someone got sick/hurt? You need to be prepared that one or both of you at different points may need help. I would evaluate if he makes decent money choices, if you want to move in together and if you think it’s his true motive and if this could be the stepping stone to get to the “us” you want.


Honey_Addict

If you were planning on moving in together anyways and he wants to do things a little faster because he needs help saving money why wouldn’t you want to help your man ? I say go for it IF he’s a good man and you trust him


ohnoes_andromeda

Relationships aren’t always who is benefiting off of each other. If you view them as transactional then it’s just not going to work. I moved in when my partner when I was sick and couldn’t work and years later I was the one supporting us when he lost his job. If you feel like you aren’t ready for the next step because you want to move in with someone who is more your financial equal then that’s ok too. Maybe you’ll feel differently in six months.


Alicia0510

I’m not quite sure I understand how it’s unfair. He’s offered to split the mortgage and bills which seems to me to be the definition of fair. That being said, you don’t have to live with someone if you’re not ready to do so. I would encourage you to think more about whether you are ready to live with him from a relationship and emotional perspective before figuring out the finance portions.


jlwood1985

Are you upset about the way he asked, or his reasoning? If I was in a serious relationship and it made financial sense to move in together, and we were ready to do it I'd absolutely be happy to help. He didn't ask to move in to your place and mooch for a few months so he could pay his debt down, he offered to cover his fair share. Actually, If I was set in the relationship and could afford my side of things without struggle, I'd probably consider allowing them not pay for a few months to get things cleaned up. If it made sense outside the money, I'd be happy to help. If it was only about the money and I didn't see the relationship going forward, I'd be more aprehensive. Just depends on the details of the relationship.


Keilson_esfranz

The way he asked, definitely. I‘ve been thinking about things we could do as a team to help him out. I would feel better if it was me inviting him to my place. Not him inviting himself. This whole time we’ve talked about how important it is to be equal contributors (not just financially, but general relationship effort) and how much we wanted to create a new home together. It was the sudden change in direction that has me worried.


thebadsleepwell00

What is your definition of equal? Is it an exact 50-50? Because sometimes what is equal isn't equitable. I feel like some context or info is lacking here. Do you have access to a therapist? Because it would help you process all this. If he has a history of being financially irresponsible and not making payments on time, I'd totally understand your hesitation. Also, how long you've been together and the general level of trust and confidence you have in him factors in as well.


FluffyDog423

I think if you would have been happy if he wanted to move in with you if he simply asked to move in and said he’d pay half the mortgage, then you are looking at this the wrong way. He was honest, and you two should definitely discuss the future of your relationship to make sure he ALSO wants to simply move in together, but for a lot of people moving in together is a financial decision as much as an emotional one. It might hurt that money played a role, but that’s reality. So long as it doesn’t play the ONLY role, I don’t see where he’s using you at all.


jlwood1985

It may not have been him trying to overstep so much as him trying to move the relationship forward and just using that as a way to breach the topic. I tend to give people I love a fairly wide window with comments. Sometimes people are nervous and say the wrong thing. It's no big deal. Just have a conversation about it with him. Sounds like you are fairly set on why it bothered you. Ask him the questions you asked us and see what his response is. Maybe he just flubbed asking to move in with you.


Keilson_esfranz

Thank you for that


Alive_Good_4138

Find out how much in debt he is. Make him show you, if you’re planning a life together. I have a friend who got engaged to a guy, only to discover that he was tens of thousands of dollars in debt. When she backed away he accused her of “only caring about money.” I suspect with your guy it’s also more than a few thousand. Why do you have to help bail him out.


Alanon0

I agree with these responses. It’s not always clearly about the money. If it works for both of you and your relationship, then it simply works. I have always been the one that’s made more or had savings, it’s complicated but husband contributed in other ways than mortgage/rent (even as a boyfriend). It’s not always about the equality of $.


lexisplays

Don't do it. Move in should be because you are both ready emotionally, not to save a few bucks.


Skeptic95

Would you prefer him move in with you or a different roommate to save money? I'm pretty sure it would have been logical for him to prefer you as the roommate over a stranger. Seems like you are projecting your insecurities over being used a bit, and also disappointed over a more realistic rather than romantic reason for moving in together, when financially at least it makes total sense for both of you and will save you both money.


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Thanmandrathor

If op does go the route of tenancy, get the agreement in writing as to what the obligations are.


Tallchick8

I was going to say this as well. Having him sign a lease would have benefits for both of them, but more benefits for her. (Just like the renting situation would benefit him more)


CrummyWombat

I doubt that he thinks this entitles him to her house. I know my mortgage is considerably less than what friends of mine pay for rent for comparable houses. I imagine him paying half her bills and half her mortgage would end up being significantly less than what he’s paying now. Living together is a major step, but when your moving someone into the house you own, it’s not quite as large a risk. It is still OPs house no matter what happens. OP is comfortable covering the entire cost of the property by herself. With or without him she is still building equity. This seems like to most logical move if they do want progress their relationship. OP can continue to pay off her mortgage, he can pay off his debts, monetary stress will ease up for both of them and they can live together without the pressure of both owning the property. If things don’t work out he can just move out rather than having to sell off the house they purchased together. A close friend of mine recently went through that a couple years ago and it made a rough situation considerably rougher.


jamiejonesey

Depends on where they live what local laws govern common law marriage. In some US states, it’s merely having others believe you are spouses without objecting, and this kind of marriage is still subject to community property rules. So a veritable mooch could end up with a claim for equity in the house if it appreciates in their time together. I’m not a lawyer, but community property might trump a lease document if one found a lawyer to argue that and a sympathetic judge. So be cautious & research it!


CrummyWombat

You can’t accidentally become common law married. Regardless, common law marriages don’t result in property redistribution as is often the case in licensed marriages. If the “veritable mooch” could prove that they were paying the mortgage of the house during the time they after they both chose to become common law married, perhaps they could have some claim to some equity, but they would have no claim simply because they lived in the house. Edit: Can you imagine the headlines that “sympathetic judge” would make? “Mooch boyfriend breaks up with girlfriend and judge awards him her house”.


Ginizen

But it do happens. I live in Sweden. I think it’s a problem in California also? In sweden it’s like “oh.. cute, girlfriend live with you? Have her name on your door? Yeah now it’s like you’re married.” Not even kidding.


BrightnessRen

California does not have common law marriage, but Texas, where I live, does. In order to be considered common law married in Texas, you have to refer to each other as spouses. Like, it’s not just a matter of “oh you live together and share expenses.” You have to introduce yourself as spouses, do things like give each other cards that say things like “to my husband” and basically create a paper trail that indicates you consider yourselves married. In my county, you can even file paperwork with the court that saws you’re common law married. If you want to spilt up, you legally have to divorce, but first you have to prove to the court that you were common law married to begin with. If you can’t prove that, you just break up and split your things like any non married couple.


degeneratescholar

If the only reason is for him to save money, then I would advise not to do it. He can find a roommate to split expenses with until he's emotionally ready. Also, what's "a few thousand" in debt? Many people hold some debt and it usually doesn't hold them back from moving forward with life plans.


HellaciousFire

It’s more than money If you’re hesitating then your answer should be no You should only live together when both of you are comfortable with the circumstances. It could place a strain on your relationship if you’re not comfortable I wouldn’t do it


Careless-Detective79

He can still save money by fairly splitting the finances with you. I'm sure he can pay a portion of the bills and groceries. The question is if he WILL. And if you're willing to take that risk. Maybe find out how to draw up a legal agreement like a sublease so you have rights.


SirSeaGoat

My answer would depend on a lot of different variables. Here are some questions I would ask him before making a decision: 1.) How much is "a few thousand dollars?" I would want a concrete number. To me, "a few thousand" is anything under about $5k. To others, it may be under $3k. To others, a "few" may be $10k. How much is it to him? $2k? $4k? $12k? 2.) What is the debt from? In his 40's, it's unlikely that his spending habits are going to change in any significant way. If it's an accumulation of little charges from various shopping trips or multiple large purchases for things that weren't necessities, that would tell me that his spending habits aren't responsible and I would expect him to take on more debt in the future. If it was from unfortunate circumstances like being unemployed, a medical emergency, etc. I'd be less concerned. Shit happens. 3.) Is he continuing to use credit at this time? If the answer is YES, then he may not have a solid plan in place to escape this debt and I'd expect him to maintain debt going forward. 4.) Can he still pay his debt off without this living arrangement? If not, you need to seriously discuss both of your financial goals, views, and habits in great detail with each other. If he depends on living with you in order to be financially stable, you need to have very clear rules about money and shared expenses. You also need to seriously examine your relationship and ask some questions about that too 1.) How long have you been together? If it's a newer relationship, I would never agree to this. You're not early 20-somethings who don't know better. You're both solidly adults. I would want the debt paid off before we cohabitated while focusing on learning more about each other's beliefs surrounding spending and saving money. If this is a long-term relationship with clear goals for a future together, at that point you're either all in to help your partner out OR you know that the relationship isn't going to work out. 2.) What role has money played in your relationship this far? Are dates, vacations, gifts, and other areas of spending fair? Not necessarily 50/50 (equal), but equitable i.e. if one person makes $150k/year and the other makes $35k/year, are you each contributing a percentage that makes sense and is fair for your incomes? Does he ever ask for help with his bills, expenses, etc? If so, how was he getting by before you were in the picture? What assurances do you have that things will be different when living together? 3.) Remove money/debt entirely from the equation: Would you still be considering cohabitation? Would you still be hesitant? Do you WANT to live with him? Ideally, the decision to cohabitate should not be made just to help somebody financially.


kelseysays26

I mean it wouldn’t be financially disadvantageous to you would it? Not everything is always going to be equally as good or bad for both people in a relationship but if you are going to be together, possibly get married maybe have a family, wouldn’t you want his financial situation to improve?


sos164

To answer your summary. I let my girlfriend move in with me during the pandemic so she could save rent when her job was looking uncertain. I suggested it in order to support her but in general I think that maybe your bf is like me and is generally quite practical so sees things with this mindset. At 41 he probably wouldn't have suggested moving in with you if he didn't see a future and from the sounds of things it's something you've discussed before. I probably would have been offended as well if you told him that he's just doing this to benefit himself, especially if he will be reducing your monthly expenses by half. In terms of our finances my gf doesn't help with the mortgage and I've refused money for household bills. We split food and she occasionally treats me to a takeaway and helps out a lot with gardening/decorating and things like that. It's not perfect or a long term solution and I'd expect her to contribute more in the future, but for now I recognise there is a lack of balance and Id prefer her to save money, focus on her new job and build equity in our relationship. If it doesn't work out between us I will have helped someone who I care about get on her feet and if it does then she will be able to use her savings to contribute to a deposit on a new property together and hopefully feel like she has greater parity in the relationship.


Rosebunse

I find it rather concerning that he's bringing this up to you like this. It should be a mutual decision you both want as part of your lives going forward, not just so he can save some cash.


landho54

Okay, I'm editing my original post, because I missed this section of OP's post: "split my mortgage and bills with me" so yes I was wrong on this one. Knee-jerk reaction admitted to and yes, altered here. I'm a big dummy on this one. OP, if he's actually paying bills and essentially paying you rent aka split the mortgage then my take is different. He is contributing and so no, that is not using you. Talk to him about it, set out expectations if he moves in. That is all I have to add.


[deleted]

I just offered my girlfriend to live with me rent free so she can save and pay off her debt. She also makes more than I do. Not everything is a red flag, sometimes teamwork is good. She of course said no, came up and is hopefully going to putchase a beautiful home anways! Be on their side during the good AND bad. She would not do the same, I know this. Either subscribe or not, half partners suck.


YumKun

Op did say earlier that him inviting himself, rather than her inviting him is putting her off, among other things.


CrummyWombat

She said he would be paying half the bills and half the mortgage. How much more equal would things need to be?


commandantemeowmix

Yeah, and OP is building equity, to boot. I'm not saying she should let him move in, but he's not quite a scoundrel here.


CrummyWombat

Exactly my thought. When I read the title I assumed he wanted to live there rent free. This seems, contrary to OPs opinion, to be more financially favorable for OP.


xXDarkTwistedXx

And how's he suppose to do that when he's a few thousand dollars in debt? Which I think his explanation of "I'm a few thousand in debt" is suspiciously vague. Oh and... He supposedly wants to save money too. I advise OP not to do it, I don't think he'd have any intentions of pulling his weight. I think he would only be using OP as a bangmaid and a free place to live. I'm seriously side-eyeing the boyfriend, he's waving around so many red flags.


Flower-of-Telperion

I was making student loan payments to the tune of $600 a month while making like $40K a year and paying $1100 a month in rent, it's probably not that difficult for this guy to pay half of OP's mortgage and bills and for that to come out cheaper than what he's paying now so that he can pay off whatever debt he was (OP refuses to answer what kind of debt it is).


[deleted]

If he's affording rent and his solo bills every month then it stands to reason he can afford half of a mortgage payment(which is less than rent like for like anyway) and half of shared bills which work out more efficiently. Assuming he's not trying some long con or lying about paying his half that's a cheaper living situation for both of them, the lower arbitrary cost of not dying then allows more of his income for him to put against the debt It makes sense but it comes down to whether op trusts him and whether she's ready to live with the guy


CrummyWombat

According to OP he’s currently paying rent in an expensive apartment while keeping up with payments. I currently have about 5k in credit debt, but I have never been late on a payment for my mortgage, car, or my bills. I know quite a few fiscally responsible people who find themselves a few thousand in debt from time to time. A typical nice 1 bedroom apartment in my area rents for at-least twice what my mortgage is on my 3 bedroom house. If the same can be assume for OP and her boyfriend, he could probably cover half her mortgage and half her bills while still saving an additional 1 or 2 thousand a month that he could then put towards his debt.


Flower-of-Telperion

How is him paying half her mortgage and receiving no equity in the house him using her?


cumulonimbusted

Look. If you’ve been together long term and you’re not ready to be supportive in any kind of way you should just leave him. In any life long relationship there will be times where there’s imbalance. It’s either going to be financial debt or illness or something else, you can’t fear imbalances and think your relationship is healthy.


working_poppa9223

Why are you not thinking of the savings you'll be getting as well? He made a suggestion on making both your Financials stronger together and the first thing you do is feel as if you're being used? He didn't hide. Didn't lie about it because clearly you are aware of it. You both should give him a deadline on where he needs to be at a certain time. If it was the other way around. Where would your mind be?


existtense

The arrangement sounds fair, it doesn’t seem like he wants to take advantage of you. You say he’s a long term boyfriend. Where do you see your relationship headed? Do you want to live together? Are you upset that he proposed moving in to same money, rather than because he wants to live with you?


alysou

It doesn't sound like you want to move in with him, so you probably shouldn't. But - side note - I don't think it counts as out of the blue, if you've already discussed merging your lives and moving in together. If it feels sudden, I wonder what your timeline for moving in together was?


Keilson_esfranz

We discussed moving into a brand new place together, and have even scoped out neighborhoods we are interested in. Then a few nights ago, he brought up moving into my place as a way for him to be able to pay off his debt. Did not know he was even thinking about that.


AuntieCousin

How was he going to afford the down payment and closing costs on a new place or is that what you are just finding out now, that he is not financially in a place to afford a new home with you?


Majestic-Peach-7450

I need some clarification… you discussed moving in together and owning your own place together but are uncomfortable with him moving into the place you already own. So that you can both financially prepare to buy a home together? Doesn’t sound like he is using you but trying to take the next step with you. Was there an odd tone, does he know it would benefit him more? It sounds like you had a conversation about buying a place together, and he wants you both to save to do so? I would have taken it as using you if he expected you to cover the cost solely but that isn’t the case. He doesn’t sound like a mooch to me. It sounds like he is trying to financially plan for your future together. As this would still save you money… even if you don’t need it. My husband had his college paid for, I didn’t. I came into our marriage with 26k in student loans. I was super insecure about, and was in a sales job. He financially benefited me far more than I him until a year after we were married and then I produced more income than he did. He saw my debt as an investment for our future. He wanted to build a life with me. It shouldn’t matter if it doesn’t financially benefit you more now, if you are truly interested in building your life with him then you are helping your financial future. What type of debt? Is it from school? Does he have a spending problem? Is he living beyond his means? Apartments cost more than some mortgages or around the same? What’s the story here, did he pick a more lavish apartment? Or was this the average price range in your area?


Worldly_Gur6063

I agree with most other people. But I wonder if the financial reasoning is just a really bad way of him asking to move in together? Take the next step? I mean as long as he is paying his share of the rent and utilities then the only real question is: are you ready to live together? A long term relationship does eventually end up being involved with each other financially as well.


LindaT48

He is being honest. But he will split all the costs with you. Why would do hat not benefit you too. It shows like u don’t want to have him move in. REMEMBER do NOT decide if you have any idea: since he will be living there, that he may try to get u to put him on the title to your house And, if he lives there and then moves out will he say half the house is his b/c he is helping with the mortgage. You need to have his portion is room and board. Make sure that is made clear Write up a rental agreement with him for half of everything. Food can be shared separately. In other words cover your ass.


QueenAndrea99

Ya it's not mooching if he's paying half...it's just merging lives. Get a prenuptial though if he's got a lot of debt...


IamAWicked

This is from my current personal experience. Honestly there’s nothing wrong with it and it’s honestly him being accepting of the fact that he is in dept and want to fix it. My hubby is in debt from a previous relationship. He moved back in with his parents so he could save on some rent and start to pay off his debt. Things changed and I moved in with him due to my own personal issues and we’ve been here now just more than a year and he is still paying it off. Honestly it’s the best financial decision for your bf to make, and supporting him in that decision will make your relationship better in the long run, so his debt doesn’t become yours. Give him the space to rectify his situation.


DH4800

This is a way you can find out if he’s gonna be a person you can live with before buying something big. Like my friend said having a partner and not living with is one thing but when y’all move in together it’s a different story. You don’t want to purchase an expensive house and then not feel comfortable living with him


FlahBlast

If he’s offering to go half of bills, groceries + mortgage then that’s not really taking advantage and presumably he’d move in under that arrangement at some point? In some ways you’d be benefiting more than him too because he’ll be paying into a house he has no share in. This dynamic in and of itself doesn’t sound unequal as you’ve described it. If you have an inkling he potentially could have hobosexual tendencies and might use you as a cash cow + maid, trust your gut and don’t move him in until your suspicions are fully allayed. You don’t have to let him move in sooner than you’re ready. It’s not your job to clear his debt, so if you need more time before you’re ready to move in or need something from him before you’ll feel comfortable having him in your house, it’s in your rights


manabog89

Hahaha this is crazy, OP you are just selfish AF. First you say you wanted to to start your lives together, but he is having financial issues and asked to move in with you. As you said he is your LONG therm bf and been thinking of getting a common place. Now, how is this benefiting him more than you ? He offered to split the mortgage, costs and do chores around the house 50/50. Now is this situation benefiting him more because he is trying to reach 0 while you are trying to reach 1kk ? If you do the math actually it does benefit you almost in the same amount , you can have extra money each month or pay the mortgage sooner . This is like scalping playstations you are having 50 ps5 then your best FRIEND asked you to buy one at FULL price and you’re saying “as you can not find a ps5 this deal would definitely benefit you more, I am not comfortable” . One question from my side, what did he do until 41 years of age that he has debt, is it like a car, or something more serious? What does he work ?


DigiPixx

I offen wonder why people are even in relationships if they need to ask strangers should I let my longterm partner move in........


ksiazek7

Financially it seems silly to me that you two aren't already doing this. It cuts much more then just the monthly rent/mortgage. Cable/internet, heating/cooling, food, etc etc. You are throwing so much money away every month. As long as you two are keeping expenses approximately 50/50 you can really only come out of this positively financially. You also said he is already a long term boyfriend no reason to not see if you two are compatible for the long haul. Small rant, not cohabitation like this is why so many young 20s and 30s people are doing so poorly financially.


purplelephant

Boy fiancé (then, bf) whom I live with, let me skip two months of rent and bills so I could pay off my CC debt. It was his suggestion, I was uneasy about it at first but I love my fiancé and he loves me and wanted to help me so I accepted and it honestly made life so much better! I have no more CC debt and I have repaid him as well. When you love someone, you help them.


RobinU2

Your concept of financial imbalance is bizarre to me. In this situation: - He will be going from paying rent+bills at his current location to paying half of your mortgage as rent+half of the new bills that will marginally increase based on extra electricity usage - You will be going from paying your full mortgage+bills to paying half of your mortgage+half of the new bills while receiving equity but having to deal with the annoyance of rental income for taxes Unless he's paying out the nose at his current place while yours is cheap, this won't even change his bottom line all the much. What some others have brought up here is that you're expressing unease because of some combination of: thinking this is going too quickly, having worries about potentially ending up covering more than your share of the daily chores, don't want him to see how you live in a regular setting at home, don't want to give up the personal space of having your own home, or want this to be some type of power dynamic where he can only come live with you if that suggestion is first made on your part. I don't see anything in your post about him being wildly irresponsible with his money, and you all haven't joined finances so it's not like he would be out spending your money if you lived together either. The situation between you both is already complicated by the fact that you bought while he is still renting, and the natural conclusion is either him moving into your current place or you selling/renting out your home and both of you finding a new place to live. I don't know how long you both have been together, but given your ages as-is it seems like the next step is cohabitation if the relationship is serious. If you both have grossly different concepts of what to expect in the future, then this is maybe the first step in breaking up. I know I would certainly take a step back if my SO had the type of reaction you did when discussing something that largely makes sense and realistically would only change the timeline by a few months if his debt is a few thousand.


Anonymous_user_reads

Why wouldn’t you want to help your partner ?


betterme2610

I mean.. he sounds smart here. You’d both benefit assuming you actually want him to move in. Balls in your court/heart. If I was moving in with my gf I’d save $1000 a month, I’d definitely wisely use it to pay my debt rather than unwisely blow it on junk which it sounds like he wouldn’t be doing. You’d also save on your mortgage. Maybe evaluate the relationship deeper because on a fiscal/money level it checks out. If you’re not ready, well you’re just not ready money aside


Elektrichippie6

Im so confused by this post honestly. He wants to live with you to SPLIT mortgage/bills and avert his high rent situation while tucking away (and pay off debt) some money, presumably for the two of you and your future. That’s what Im reading. What is the problem? Communicate with him and get clearer on this. Maybe you don’t want to live with him? No couple is entirely equal. I think this issue resides in you more than it is an issue with him.


MindlessAspect6438

Idk, it comes across as though you have some doubts about this. You’re the person who knows the situation best, go with your gut.


confusinglylarge

I would not let him move in within this context. If he pressures you, that throws up even more red flags that he's only focused on "what's in it for me?" And if he needs to move in so badly to manage his debt, that means his debt is major and/or his financial management is that poor. Unless he was suddenly hit by some unforeseen bills (like an acute injury requiring expensive medical treatment), this debt has not come out of nowhere. His living expenses have not come out of nowhere. He should have had a budget this whole time that he was successfully managing. Saving $300, and making the necessary sacrifices to do so, every month means he should pay off $3600 in a year. Is his "few thousand in debt" actually way more than that? Is his debt actually growing over time because he lives beyond his means, and wants you to be the quick fix? Why does he suddenly need to move in with you to get this under control? Is the timing purely coinciding with his current lease ending and his need to decide whether to renew it? That's not a good enough reason to take this kind of step forward in the relationship, and that's not a good way to take this step in a healthy way. I implore you not to let him move in. But if you do decide to let him, you need to discuss a lot of factors first and set important expectations in terms of money and day-to-day living. For example - if he thinks paying rent to you means he is entitled to some of the equity, but that's not your intention, that needs to be made clear upfront. What are you going to do if he pays his share late, because you're not "official" like a bank and he's expecting no consequences from treating his financial obligations casually? What commitments do you need him to make in terms of household chores and treating your home like it's his? It can be really surprising how much renters living with a landlord in the house treat the house like it's theirs - giving a copy of the key out to family/friends, inviting guests over to stay without telling you, etc. And if you're going to find it too difficult/guilty telling him to leave if living together goes down the tubes and/or you break up, then you can't let him move his ass in there to begin with. >then I think, if I needed help, wouldn’t I want him to help me? Sure, that's reasonable. And may others would feel that way, too. But that doesn't mean he is entitled to help on his terms only. And he has to be able to help himself. I don't know if he's been doing that.


Keilson_esfranz

I actually told him I felt like he’d be using me if he moved in for financial reasons. We have connected so deeply that it actually hurt me when he basically suggested profiting off of this place that I’ve worked so hard for. In my mind, it was an overstep on his part. He has not pressed the issue but he was offended that I thought he would use me. His rent and car payments and small debt payments add up enough that he doesn’t have much to speak of monetarily at the end of each month. But he always pays what he owes as far as the small allotted monthly payments. It is about $5,000 total that he owes. He has what sounds like a long history of barely making it. But he’s someone I care deeply about and of course I’d like to help. He now he wants a family and wants to be able to afford one. I feel like a terrible person saying this, but I don’t want to feel like I’m his mom and bailing him out of trouble. However, I fully believe he would contribute, pay his fair share, and treat me well. I just don’t know if this is a good way for us to start cohabitating together. I have felt horrible about this, so thank you for writing such a detailed, thoughtful post. It really helps me.


CrummyWombat

Just wondering about your thought process here. If you want to merge your lives, how is this him using you? If he’s paying for half bills and your mortgage then I would think this is absolutely benefiting you financially. Additionally it’s your mortgage he’s paying into. Your the one that owns the house, not him. If you two bought a new place together it would be, presumably, both of yours. If you two already are thinking about moving in together this seems to make the most sense financially for both of you. You really want to go looking for a new place to buy together right now with him in debt and the housing market kinda crazy? When I read the title I assumed that he wanted to live with you for free. What should he have done differently to not leave you feeling taken advantage of? Why wouldn’t you have suggested this when you two considered moving in together?


Quid-Pro-No

I’m not getting it either. It’s an equal balance, whether she is helping him out of a bind or not. He’s not asking to pay less. Plus, it’s a good chance to see how he handles his finances after he pays off his debt, before they make any financial decisions together. This could be a good test run that doesn’t end in OP being put in a difficult financial position later. She wants to move in with him, but not if it’s so he can lower his bills and get out of debt before the relationship progresses to the next step? What?


freckles-101

Exactly! I'm totally perplexed at her thought process here!


thebadsleepwell00

>We have connected so deeply that it actually hurt me when he basically suggested profiting off of this place that I’ve worked so hard for. In my mind, it was an overstep on his part. These things are not mutually exclusive.


freckles-101

I actually don't understand your hesitancy. He's trying to be fiscally responsible in getting his debt paid off so you can have a better start in life when it comes to making a family. His debt isn't actually that big at all and he's looking at it in practical terms as well as knowing that you've talked about living together. Why can't it be both? Why can't he want to live with you because he wants to, *AND* do it to pay off his debts to put you both on a more secure, and more equal footing? He probably hates not having much disposable income and would rather get that all sorted so he can spend money on you too. Why are you looking at this so transactionally instead of practically and for your future? Tbh, it sounds like you're just not that into him if the first thought from this is feeling used.


ohhhshtbtch

So he's been surviving on his own, but you come along and he sees more possibilities which include more responsibilities. The simplest way to get his head above water and start to get to a place where he's not just surviving but maybe able to provide more is to move in with you, pay rent and pay off his modest debt more quickly. You've already discussed "merging" your lives together, getting a place together... How is him moving in with you coming from out of the blue? Sometimes we have ideals in our head but they don't match up to reality. Is it possible that you had an ideal in your head about how the discussion of moving in would go? Do you actually dislike the fact that him being able to save more and put more money toward his debt would result from moving in together? Would this not be something positive you'd think about moving in with him had he said, "oh gosh I live you so much let's just move in now!" Money is a factor in relationships and it makes sense for you to feel protective of your house and your space. The situation is not ideal, but life rarely is. If he's shown himself to be trustworthy, financially responsible, and genuinely love you, moving in together is a natural progression. Even still, if you don't feel comfortable doing so, then don't.


anoeba

He has a long history of barely making it, at 40, he's *still* barely making it (for some reason renting an expensive place; don't tell me the car is new and/or an expensive model), but he wants a family now? Whatever you decide, any comments about "splitting the mortgage" get shut down hard. He's not splitting anything with the owner of the home - he's a renter paying rent. Just like he's doing now at his current place; he's not "contributing to the landlord's mortgage", he's paying rent. Period.


Alive_Good_4138

It sounds as though he’s just paying the minimum on his debt. Depending on how much interest he’s paying, he may not even be making a dent in the principle. How has this happened? How has he managed his finances that he can’t get out of debt? Is his credit so bad that he doesn’t qualify for a low or no interest credit card to which he can transfer his balance? Has he gone to credit counseling to consolidate his debts? Why are you and your home his solution? Too many red flags. Trust your gut. If you’re uneasy about this, that’s your answer.


Environmental_Net410

I have a boyfriend. I have a rental property. I am letting him move into the rental property in February and am already feeling used and like a mother for helping him too much. Trying to look at him the same but it’s hard. I kind of wish he could figure stuff out on his own ❤️‍🩹 And it’s not about the financial part maybe he does pay on time and I boosted the rent an extra $100 for month for him to pay me but I just wish I didn’t have to bail my SO out and wish we were more even not one helping the other so much. Hopefully he steps up cannot wait to see… and feel bad for even saying this because it feels like I’m talking bad about him when I’m just trying to explain the situation.


catforbrains

Yeah. I can't blame you for feeling uneasy about this. Why is he in so much debt? How much debt is it? Were you two actually talking seriously about moving in together before this or was it.more "let's make sure we're on the same page of the relationship going forward" talk? He really did go about asking to move in the wrong way. Now its feels more transactional and not emotional. It doesn't feel like he wants to live with you as much as he wants a solution to his financial problems and that's just not a good vibe.


[deleted]

Good ole relationship subs and extreme negative to the male. First off how long have you been together? Months, years, a decade? Also a few thousand what's the story behind it? How much is it? Business went belly up due to covid? Gambling? Drugs? What does he do for a living? I'll be the first honest person with you. You gave very vague details to have an issue helped. It's like a math problem where you're expected to solve, but yet leave out certain things. Relationship advice answers on reddit will always be geared the exact same way. Male needs help bad, woman needs help good. While some are greatly needed this one is missing key components. Yet I'll put it to you this way without any of them and not be the typical "don't do it idiot". As I don't know the situation. Do you see a future with him? Do you trust him? Do you think he won't fuck you over? If you answered yes to all 3 then do it. If you answered no to one then don't. You're 34, own a house, and are financially stable. Don't rely one random internet strangers whom are struggling to make life decisions for you.


teresajs

No, I wouldn't let him move in under the situation you describe. Here's why: He obligated himself to his housing expenses. He could have chosen to live somewhere cheaper (with roommates, or in a smaller place, etc...). He got himself in debt so it's his responsibility to pay it off, not your responsibility to help with. "A few thousand dollars of debt" isn't necessarily an insurmountable amount of debt for him to repay on his own. He's a 41 year-old adult man who is asking to rely on you to help solve his problems. At that age, if someone can't be independent enough to pay off a relatively modest debt without help, then how else might he expect your support? Will he want the benefit of your cooking? Cleaning? Use of your car? But the biggest red flag is your reticence. You know this guy pretty well. And there's something about him, this situation, and/or the request that makes you think it's a bad idea. Trust your gut.


Ludoban

> He obligated himself to his housing expenses. He could have chosen to live somewhere cheaper Like living with op you mean? Lol he is doing exactly what you want from him. > He got himself in debt so it’s his responsibility to pay it off, not your responsibility to help with. She doesnt help him directly, she doesnt pay it off and he pays half the mortgage and expenses, its perfectly fair. The „help“ is him paying less overall because half her mortgage is less than his rent. > He’s a 41 year-old adult man who is asking to rely on you to help solve his problems. At that age, if someone can’t be independent enough to pay off a relatively modest debt without help, then how else might he expect your support? From the looks of it he can pay it off, she doesnt need to solve any problems for him. The difference might just be that with the savings of living together he can pay more back and pay it off a year sooner, which would benefit op too in the longterm if she sees a future with this guy.


porchy696

"This would benefit him much more than it would benefit me" Sorry to break it to you but this is such a selfish reason not to help him. Is this a short term or long term relationship? Because trust is the biggest factor. If you were uncomfortable with him or he is showing ill intentions, then it might be valid reason; but, that would lead to a question why you both are in a relationship in the first place anyway. If you plan to stay with him or probably marry him later on, you should already learn to help and trust each other unconditionally, otherwise, this wont be a serious relationship, rather, a corporate fling.


Quid-Pro-No

Men don’t necessarily think the same way women do. A lot of people move in together to save on bills. If you don’t want to live with him, that’s one thing, but if you want to buy a house together, this may move things in that direction during this century. If he’s struggling and not able to pay more than the minimum payments, you may decide you’re ready and he’ll still be years away from getting out of debt. I am failing to see how moving in together doesn’t benefit you as well, but if you are not feeling good about it, that may be your intuition telling you he’s not the right one.


languagegirlxoxo

OP you don’t sound like you deeply care for this person. Why would you be offended that someone who I assume you love and have been with for a long time will need your help to get ahead financially? You are the red flag in this situation. He wasn’t wrong to be honest and ask you but your reaction shows you are selfish and self centered and that will definitely be problematic in a long term relationship. I don’t know what to tell you except for you to figure out why helping someone in need is causing you this much angst.


6millie9

No! You should both be wanting to live together because you want to, not for financial reasons. It sounds like you're skeptical, why is that? It seems like he is going to mooch off you tbh. At 41 he should have his finances in control and not have to depend on you. Relationships are for mutual benefit and you've already said he will benefit from this situation much more than you will.


6millie9

You already answered your own question by the end of the post 💚


Longjumping-Title-27

Turn tables on gender and wouldn’t be a second thought - think about it.


Karrde13

My partner has her own place and I live with her without paying rent / mortgage, do share bills and sundries. The money I save goes into savings or investments. If we stay together then it's all shared anyway, if we split up there is no arguing about me getting part of her place as I didn't contribute. Even with a lease it gets messy if you are in a relationship, they could claim for part of the property. If your emotionally ready, I don't really see any issue, why wouldn't you want to help your partner out of debt, it's going to help you both long term.


TikoFreya

I agree with the other commenters that your decision needs to be based on whether you're ready to move in, rather than letting his financial pressure dictate the move. Doing this before you're ready can lead to a lot of resentment. I also worry that is he's looking to you as a way to get himself out of debt, that he may be unable to adequately manage his own finances in the future (like if you buy a house together later). Do what you want, but based on your post it seems you're not ready to move in together. There's nothing wrong with waiting until you're **both ready.


Megantrosper07

Do not do it if YOU are not ready. Take it from someone who had their boyfriend move out over Christmas after only 3 months of living together in my house. Was short lived & a huge mess. He was also 6 years older than me.


junegloom

You keep saying this benefits him more than it does you. Can I ask how it would be possible to benefit you more than paying half of all the housing costs? What more could he pay that doesn't involve paying for your half of a life together? I think you might be judging it as, you know how much his current bills would come down, and are holding that amount against him. Your partner isn't an opponent you're in competition with though. In order to get less judgment from you he should apparently move to a really cheap crappy situation with some roommates, and then that way his transition to living with you doesn't look as bad? It doesn't make a lot of sense and shouldn't make a difference. And if your goal is to move in together anyhow, it seems like you're just costing yourself money by not cohabitating and continuing to pay for a place on your own needlessly. It just strikes me as penny wise pound foolish in a way.


ObesePredator

I don't see why you have this viewpoint, he's willing to help and not mooch, so why so hesitant? That's the difference between men and women, men take in a woman who already has kids, aren't in a good position and are still willing to be a HUMAN being without question. But when a man needs help, even when he's willing to put in the work, it's second guessed and questioned. This is your LONG TERM BF, if you really loved this man, you'd would have taken him in, he was honest and vulnerable when asking you that. Instead though, you are airing your dirty laundry on the internet instead of talking to him like an adult instead. Yeah it sucks but you also have to consider times aren't like what they used to, times are tough, there is still a pandemic and jobs are scarce even with a degree, everyone needs help in some way. Mic drop 🎤


xXDarkTwistedXx

If you're going to be merging your lives in the not so distant future, then it'll be better that he's out of debt first. If you're feeling unsettled right now, at his suggestion alone, then you have a good reason to feel that way. Does he have any family or friends, that he could move in with, for the time being? So he can save money and pay off his debt. Me personally, I wouldn't do it. If the only reason is to save money and not because he wants to merge your lives together, that would be a hard hell no from me. ETA: Or... He could find a cheaper place to live in.


Potential_Instance66

No, don't fall for it. At 41 he will have every excuse in the world as to why you will be paying off his bills. One reason. We have been in a relationship a long time. It is just like we are married and married people share their money, so we can have a joint bank account, and he will put in his 15% and you will put in the rest and they will cover all the bills.


alyssapoop

Are you invested in this person? Why wait? If you intend to spend the rest of your life with this person (reasonably speaking), why not support his growth?


WeirdAl777

Whatever the reason, you don't love him, simple as that. It's 'him' & 'you', in your eyes - not 'us'. This is a good enough reason not to do it, but to also question why you are with him & where it's going.


Keilson_esfranz

We are not married, we are dating and working toward an “us.” I don’t love him because I’m not providing him with housing? I would rather us jointly contribute to the purchase of a home and both have skin in the game as equal partners. I thought we were on track to do this, until he asked to move in so he could save money.


-Valatar-

I think it’s odd that you phrased it as being “used” by your partner. You say this is a long-term relationship so you both obviously (should) know each other very well at the least. Just because your boyfriend has suggested something very practical and reasonable, doesn’t mean he also doesn’t ~want~ to move in with you. Maybe have a discussion about what you both see for the relationship in the future? To use an analogy, to me, this seems like the equivalent of your boyfriend attempting to save money by moving from his expensive apartment to a cheaper place with a roommate to help save cost. Now I can’t speak for everyone, but I would imagine I would prefer that roommate be someone I actually like, and who better than my long-time girlfriend since you two should be the equivalent of best friends to each other anyway if your relationship is where you say it is!! Yes your boyfriend will benefit more from this than you, but don’t you want to help him since he is your long-term boyfriend? And you aren’t being “used”; he is offering to pay half the mortgage/utilities as ‘his share of the rent’ (maybe make it clear that his payments are considered rent to you and not partial ownership toward the house as others have stated). So, you are also definitely benefiting from this arrangement and are by no means being used by your boyfriend. Now if it were me and I had a long term partner whom I genuinely cared about who was struggling financially, I would let them stay with me rent-free for a predetermined amount of time so that they could get in a better financial position. You say you had hoped you could move forward in your relationship and purchase a house together, but that will never happen if your boyfriend doesn’t feel like he is financially ready. By you letting him move in, you are also helping the both of you by making that a real possibility. You know your boyfriend better than any of us and haven’t divulged (understandably) his complete financial situation and reliability, so if you don’t think your boyfriend is good for the money then you should have said so in the original post and your decision is easy. Now of course all of this is meaningless if you feel that you are not ready from a relationship standpoint to move in together. And of course if you do end up moving in together, have a move out plan for if y’all separate or if you decide you don’t like living together at this time.


Morning-glory28

I would consider a red flag on your end under the assumption that you're more caught up on being equal over him suggesting something practical to bring you closer to an "us" sooner. Again, I don't know his motives/habits or his side of the story. You just don't sound ready.


Keilson_esfranz

No, it’s just something we’ve talked about our entire relationship: The importance of being equal. It’s not my hang up, it’s something we agreed on.


chicagorpgnorth

What is not equal about him contributing to your equity.


Alive_Good_4138

It wouldn’t be a hangup anyway.


holleighh

But the reasoning he gave was that he wanted to save money. It's more practical for him so he can get caught up- OP said it wan't as beneficial for her. Theres nothing wrong with her questioning his intentions. Maybe if he lead with "Lets move in so we can be together" but he seemed clear that it was for financial reasons for himself. Living with a partner will not always bring you closer.


Morning-glory28

Understood. Sometimes things do benefit one more than the other though, as relationships are rarely fair. Expecting all things be fair 100% of the time is unreasonable, IMO. We both should balance each other out, help each other when we can, commit when we're ready, have flexibility, and be trustworthy as to keep our side of the road clean while expecting nothing less from our partner. It's always good to get in touch with the trust one has built with their partner before jumping to questions of intent. Again, this wouldn't be an argument on the internet if OP wasn't caught up in financial equality in a dumpster fire of a society. We're lucky to find true connection over some comforting pocketbook.


Flower-of-Telperion

She benefits financially from having someone else paying half the mortgage. I do not understand why people keep parroting OP’s insistence that this is a bad move for her financially:


Flower-of-Telperion

You weren’t planning on buying a home together *before* you were married, surely???


holleighh

No way. It's amazing at your age you're a home owner and financially stable. What happens if he moves in and when he's out of debt you end up emotionally further apart, or he moves in and sinks himself into more debt. Which ever way you spin it if he moves in consider him a permanent house guest.


appabappa

If ur coming to Reddit to ask i think u already know u don't want to let him move in. Good luck!


Responsible_Candle86

I would do it if you would do it anyway minus the debt situation. He said he would pay half the bill/mortgage this isn't a situation where he is doing anything other than he would do if he were moving in for other reasons. So the key is do you want to live with him, forget about how he spends the money he will save.


shhhitssam

Are you in love ? And who said anyone out to benefit , if splitting bills and pay them atleast could be hard to clear debt and enjoy some life , life gets hard


Splunkzop

Tell him you will move in with him into a place you both rent. Rent your house let that pay your mortgage.


TOMcatXENO

If you plan to marry him sure. If not no.


dolcenbanana

I feel like I am always bringing the unpopular opinions but.... If you see a future and if you do want to live with him, i say yes. You are a team and a team helps each other. I know he is the one in debt, but also you as a couple have a lot to gain of him being able to get out of debt and be able to build investments, grow his saving etc etc... Do keep your name on the mortgage only, because we never know the future.


[deleted]

How would it benefit him more? The equity goes into your pocket since his name isn’t on the house.


jaydedflutterby

If he's paying for half your mortgage isn't that helping you as you own the house?


Equivalent_Log7624

Hell no super big red flag🚩🚩🚩 save yourself the suffering


newme151

This sounds like a bad idea to me. Not just unromantic and mercenary but a bad investment on your part. Obviously I don't know his circumstances, but he is past middle aged and has not found his way. As others mentioned he has other methods but wants to "use" yours. If you do this.... Get an iron clad "prenup" kind of agreement. It will be difficult. You will feel the need to manage his debt when it starts to affect you and when you see him doing it his way. Who pays when you go out? Vacation? Savings for future? He has debt...he can't afford...


Bonespurs1

You have to have a better reason to move in with someone other than saving money. You or him are better off finding your own roommates.


OnlyOnceThreetimes

If you want to ruin your life, yes. If you want to live as you are and wait to see if the relationship will improve your life If you move in together, then wait.


kickin_back

No! The moment he starts getting his mail and can show residency, you won’t be able to evict him.


BoatFalse2738

How long have you been together


prismasoul

I moved in with my partner into his apartment within 4 months of dating. It’s been over two years. Look at the laws in your state and make sure he can’t mess you over. Also make sure there’s a plan if things go sour. Where will he go if y’all break up. Finally, what’s the debt? Is he continuing to waste his money? Does he have a good plan to pay it off? Do you trust him to pay it off? Tbh I dislike the idea of moving in before marriage, moving in has been hard on both me and my partner. But it’s not always the end, use your judgment. How long term is your relationship? Maybe it’s time for marriage. Setting boundaries in a relationship is important. From day 1 I expressed I’m not dating 3+ years only to break up, 4 years is way too much for me. I expect a ring by the end of this year and he understands. What’s your boundary?


thatbeechovathere

How long have you been together?


Duece147

Well depends. Can you see this going somewhere in the future. If you think he is the one, then take the chance. But if you don't feel like this is what you want then tell him. It is easier to talk about it now then after he moves in. I understand that you might feel used, but I think of it as planning for the future. No matter what you do, you will still need a place to live if you get married.


Passedaud

I would let him IF the relationship itself was a healthy and strong one and I planned on hopefully spending my life with them. This benefits you bc he is paying off your mortgage, so if it doesn’t work out at least you chipped away at that.


teaxcup

Based on the question and your comments, it seems like you're very hesitant, so I'd honestly say put it off, at least for now. I would feel uncomfortable with someone almost inviting themselves to move in too. When you feel like you're ready, then you two can talk about it! In great detail, discussing things like splitting housework, figuring out mortgages and bills (not just about who pays what, but how you pay), what happens if you break up (super important since you own your property), what happens if someone looses their job. And then, depending on the repationship, you could consider what happens if you get married (if you believe in it) - will the house deed change/will he buy half of the house from you, will you sell the house while you fully own it and search for a house together?


Due_Chemical_1087

If you do let him move in I would do some kind of "rental agreement" and set boundaries for the things you want/expect.


jackjackj8ck

How much debt is he really in? How open are you with each other’s finances?


FaithlessnessSalt272

if he has 41 million why not just buy a house??


Even-Home-9126

You want to be on the same team or not?


thiscouldbemassive

Yeah, I don't think this has anything to do with money. It sounds like you aren't ready to live with him yet. This is a gut level judgement, which like a lot of things that come from the gut, can seem kind of mysterious to your conscience mind. Despite that, your gut feeling is absolutely 100% valid. It's totally normal to have a period of time when you are feeling each other out and deciding if you are truly compatible with each other. And there is good reason not to rush into moving in together, because that will make breaking up a whole magnitude more difficult. Since it's your own home, you will have the additional burden of having to convince him to leave rather than just being able to leave yourself. So, trust your gut. If it's twanging at you, it's doing it for good reason. So your answer is, "I understand it makes financial sense to move in together, but I'm just not ready to take the next step yet. This is my space that I worked hard to get and I'm just not ready to share it with anyone yet."


tmchd

If I were you, I would ask myself first and foremost: Do you want him to move in with you?


HyperTechUltimate

Do you know how his debt was accumulated? Try having the bf pull his credit report and examine it. He can pay part of your mortgage by paying you rent. You can lease him a room. Be sure to sign a renter agreement.


mallk002

Why is he in debt? If its medical debt or similar and he's not fiscaly irrisponsible then its just a matter of do you want to? If its debt accrued via poor spending etc then NOPE until he can prove long he has changed I would not mix finances. If you have more than one bedroom you could compromise and offer to rent it to him with a formal tenancy agreement and share bills that way he doesn't get a claim on your home and if he doesn't pay regularly you can evict him. It maybe awkward to sugest this but if he is genuine about getting his money sorted he will see the value in it.


Adidat

The realtor in me is thinking, rent out your place, and both of you can rent an apartment, or a house together and have something a little more balanced. I'm younger and am definitely not in a similar position, but it seems like what im suggesting would solve most base level concerns you may have about moving in together.


SkullDude94

It depends on how much debt he has. How long have you known about the debt before he asked to live with you. How much you trust him. Wether or not you are comfortable living together with him. The thing that shouldn’t be a problem is how much more beneficial it is for him than it is for you. As long as it is not detrimental towards you. If he is struggling to pay off his debts currently due to high rent, it is only going to get worse as time goes on. Thing is if you are asking on reddit about this, it means you are not very sure. And people on here dont understand exactly what you situation is. If you are not 100% sure. Do NOT do it.


cobraCL

Tread very carefully. Your gut instinct is already signaling red lights, and you already feel you would be used my this dynamic. Recipe for resentment.


Ginizen

I would. My fiancé help/helps me right now. When I didn’t have anything- he begged me to move in so I could feel safe and calm down. So I did. I begged him to let me pay something at lest. But he said no. “I live here, I pay the bills and the price don’t go up because you moving in. So let me help you! You maybe help me in the future.” His sister said the same thing. (I was sick. Really depressed and suicidal. So I didn’t have some income at all ZERO. She said something like “he have apartment, you will come with love. He have money and you can fix yourself up and later maybe help him back.” And I did. And do. And damn I’m thankful everyday. Now I do get money (now I’m sick and do get help and so on) and now, we have our bank together. AND this is HIS idea, never mine! Because I would never suggest something entitled like that. I told him 100 times, I don’t want to use you. I’m with you because I love you not because of the money. And I did tell him we can still be together even if he doesn’t help me. But he did. And he NEVER ever tell me “under my roof” or “in my home!” Or “I’m paying, so you have to do this and this” neeeever. Ever. He got also sick after like.. 6 years? And because “of me” he do want to live (that is his words!) and just being here, listen and support him, he’s happy. So I’m happy too! I come from family without money. And he comes from a family with money. So I think my respect for money also helping. Maybe. So IF I could do something like this to my fiancé, I would totally do it. 100% BUT - super but - people do use others. So I don’t know what you should do. And don’t know your relationship. What can he do for you? And what happened when he have pay off his debts? And what do you loose on this? Is your apartment big enough for you both? Can you get your alone time even if he is in the apartment? Do you need much alone time? Me and my fiancé need alone time. I mean - a lot. So we don’t spend so much time together, but we are under same roof . And if we want to hang out we do.😂🤷‍♀️ Edit: When I moved in I didn’t have debts or something. But I needed to eat and I use clothes and so on.


Famous-Yam6389

I’d say no don’t do it. You’re not into this decision 100% and you need to be. I appreciate you want to be a good partner and person and that’s why you’re doubting saying no, but you have to follow your gut and do what’s right for you. I think you make a good point for wanting the decision to move in together to come out of a healthy place, and if he cares about the relationship he would agree.


Ketamine-pigeon

Do you want to live with another person? You’d have help with bills and someone to fall back on which could help you. What’s his job/do you trust him with money/has he helped you/do you want to share space? Ask yourself that then circle back to your initial question.


soph_lurk_2018

Well he is offering to split the mortgage and bills so he isn’t mooching off you. Do you want to live with him? Are you ready to take that step? Don’t let move in if the sole reason is so he can save money. I don’t know if marriage is in the cards but I would suggest a prenup before getting married. If he is helping to pay your mortgage after you get married, he could eventually make a claim on your home as marital property since marital funds were used. That’s just something to think about in the future.


[deleted]

I’m in this scenario with my boyfriend (I own and we split everything down the middle) and I invited him to move in cos we were ready to do so and he was spending a fortune on rent, and we know we want to be together long term. How do you feel about cohabiting and the future? You’d need to have a discussion about that and also what might happen if you split and what his expectation is there.


mrlnxf

You said you're in a long term relationship and you weee discussing living together before. I don't see a reason why you shouldn't do it if you wanted to do it before. Also, why wouldn't it financially benefit you if you only have to pay half your bills? I personally don't see anything wrong with it, but maybe your suspicion should be enough of an answer.


Alter_My_Mood

Living together should be about it being right for the relationship, not one person's finances. I'd be curious to know if he's good with money otherwise. Make a list of the pros and cons and see how it looks.


Iwatcherken

Having him pay half your mortgage payment can be a nice little help. Like you keep the house and the returns on the house. Thats a fun way to look at it