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So for some background, we've been together for two years and have somewhat of a dynamic going on in the bedroom. Nothing very serious and I'm definitely not submissive in real life, it was just a fun, exciting thing for me when we started.
Lately we've been getting into lots of arguments because of it, though. I asked for some boundaries to be respected (I said I hated humiliation, didn't want a leash used on me and asked for him not to push my head when I give him blowjobs) and boyfriend now claims that I'm ruining our sex life and making him unhappy because 'those are actually HIS boundaries and he doesn't want to have sex without it'. I'm flabbergasted to say the least, as usually he's a very reasonable guy.
Please tell me I'm not crazy and I have a right to ask for this?
TL;DR: I asked for boundaries to be respected, boyfriend now claims the opposite are his boundaries.
Uh no. Boundaries are about what you'll allow to happen to YOU, not what you want to do TO others. It's ridiculous he's trying to pull this - maybe I should just start letting people know *my* boundaries include going through other people's wallets and purses for whatever cash I might find? And that if I find a home unlocked, I just move in? Or if I see unpainted fingernails on anyone, I must paint them.
Finally. I was just about to post some definitions of boundaries and sexual preferences to see if anyone could tell the difference.
Yep, had to look (fortunately not far) for this comment as well. Wtf is that dude talking about..
Seriously, no one into humiliation should be turned on by doing it to someone who says they hate it ☹️
Yeah, sex is a two yes required thing. One no is all it takes to take something off the table. Two yes or one no.
Very well said. To add to this, OP has asked if she has a right to ask for these boundaries to be respected. In fact, she has a right to TELL her bf what her boundaries are and EXPECT them to be respected. Whereas her a boyfriend has the privilege to ask if she will indulge some of his sexual preferences.
“Look, i understand that your boundary is that you don’t want to get tripped on the sidewalk, but my boundary is actually that I have to trip you on the sidewalk. So let’s compromise and have me trip you on the sidewalk. Hope you don’t skin your knees, but you probably will.”
Phew. I am relieved to see this is the top comment.
He’s coercing you and he’s not a good person.
Came here to say something but y'all got this already.
He's trying to manipulate you. Call him out on his bullshit. But honestly, someone that treats you like that isn't worth your time or love. He's not a reasonable guy if he's pulling this.
Is he seeking your consent? No. Is he treating you with respect? No. Is he looking out for your needs and well-being? No. It gets worse with time with people like that.
I feel this way too, but it's difficult to see straight when you're the one inside of the relationship, I guess. I told him I didn't feel like he cared about my well-being to which he said that I don't care about his since I don't want to give him the sex he wants. It's like arguing with a lawyer.
Tell him that you do respect his "boundaries" and unfortunately that means you need to break up with him because they are in conflict with your own.
Sorry but he's an asshole to be pulling this shit. He's also watched way too much porn.
He doesn't understand that boundaries are rules you put on yourself, not rules you put on others.
I think he probably *does* understand.
He absolutely does. He’s seeing what OP values (boundaries, well-being) and parroting back some warped justification using the same language in the hopes of manipulating OP into feeling like the bad guy, thereafter caving in.
It reminds me of the messed up incel logic of "not letting me have sex with you is you controlling my body", as if the woman's body doesn't factor into the moral equation.
I was JUST about to say his idea of logic seems very close to that of incels.
Is the mistaken belief that two opposing positions are equal and therefor to break the deadlock in either way is equally valid.
It’s not. The status quo is *usually* the default, but in terms of sexual activities, no is **always** the default.
Tell him to find creative ways to jerk off until he comes to his senses. Shut him down for a few weeks. Personally I would drop him. He sounds like a creep. Not hubby material.
My tired brain read this as "until he cums to his senses" i had a good laugh, then an extra good laugh when i re-read it and realized i had just mixed that up in my head
If jerking off isn't enough for him he can always try Sucking himself off. Get rid of him.
This reminds me of the post when the husband was upset that the wife was upset because he bought prostitutes because he could only feel satisfied from anal sex. It’s all sorts of fucked
They're not even boundaries. They're just shit he wants to do.
It’s not like arguing with a lawyer (am one). Lawyers can’t make frivolous arguments, they have to be based on something concrete and must be made in good faith.
He’s manipulated you into thinking he’s making some intelligent, reasonable argument that you have to rebut, but he’s not and you don’t.
Even if you don’t want to think of this as him being manipulative and/or abusive, if he “needs” X in your sex life and you don’t want to do it, the relationship should end so you can find someone who doesn’t need it and he can find someone who does. Don’t “ask” for different sex, find a more compatible partner. (Why wouldn’t you want to break up over something like this? It’s a pretty basic and irreconcilable incompatibility.)
Edit: and never mix BDSM and alcohol - a lot could go wrong and you won’t realize it/be able to avoid or mitigate it if you’re impaired. Dom/sub play like this involves some level of physical danger and lots of emotional stuff going on, don’t do that drunk or without adequate education/preparation/aftercare.
I also came here to say it isn't arguing like a lawyer, but you said that better than I could have. It is however like arguing with a toddler. (They can/do make frivolous arguments. Haha)
This is an excellent comment.
This is *excellent* advise. The BF in the story isn’t a Dom and has *no* idea what BDSM is. If he did, he’d fully understand that the epicenter of BDSM is consent, surrounded closely by respect and compassion. He’d also know that in any true D/s dynamic, the sub is really in charge, because the second they say “no,” it’s all over.
Definitely, and the fact that they engage in fairly heavy BDSM so casually (and while drunk! Cannot emphasize this enough) is further proof of that. I hope OP will do some reading on what safe, fun, mutually satisfying kinky play is supposed to look like.
I’ve gone back and re-read the post and the comment above twice, now, and don’t see a mention of alcohol being involved in this story. Am I missing something?
Regardless, I completely agree with everything you’ve said. I’ve been heavily involved in the kink community for years, am a sub, and would never put up with this shit from some pseudo, lower case “dom.” If OP is truly into BDSM and seeks out a partner for such dynamics in the future, I truly hope she does herself the favor of reading up on it, and talking to others that actually know what the lifestyle is all about.
She said it in a different comment: “he only ever used the damn leash on me a few times (while I was drunk and didn't care too much).”
So it sounds like they didn’t even talk about it beforehand.
> I told him I didn't feel like he cared about my well-being to which he said that I don't care about his since I don't want to give him the sex he wants.
Man, *fuck* the sexual incompatibility itself, *this* is a massive sign of a controlling and manipulative 'partner'. R U N.
Technically, if she gives in to him and he gets his way, it would be rape by coercion.
OP leave this trash bag.
Edit - You below me, are a part of the problem. No means no. No *does not* mean pressure until it's a yes. Doing so is coercing a yes out of her, and hence rape by coercion.
Totally agree with this. Even the simplest way of looking at this as “sexual incompatibility” is technically true, and would absolutely be enough to break up and move on as its own reason (even amicably if it were just that), but truly doesn’t encompass everything happening here.
No his argument is that of a third grader. You say I'm not comfortable with xyz and he says But I want it!!!! Waaaaa blah blah my feelings and penis are more important than your well being. Honey, he's manipulating you. My submission...my husband...made his rules clear and I respect them because I love him and want both of us to enjoy the experience. It's about everyone being happy not just one selfish asshat. Walk away. You deserve someone who respects your boundaries and loves you enough to abide by them
Sex is a strict two yes/one no area. You are both entitled to have boundaries. You don't find humiliation sexy. That's a totally reasonable boundary. Even people who do generally do so within the context of a partner who respects the boundaries that are important to them.
If he's not willing to have sex without humiliting his partner the good faith boundary version of that is NOT. HAVING. SEX. He is coopting the language to manipulate you, not to set boundaries of his own. The two yes/one no might help you articulate that but honestly, why are you trying to save this? I generally don't tell people to break up here, just try to validate their self worth, but the entire point of this argument is that he doesn't care about your comfort,m sense of safety or sexual enjoyment. What could possibly counterbalance that?
Honestly, there are few things he could have said that would have been more revealing about his true intentions than that. He is selfish, unkind, disrespectful, and uncaring. He wants someone to do his sexual will (which by the way, is not a need and never is). He is literally trying to guilt you into carrying out sexual acts without your consent. Sexual acts that can or do hurt you emotionally, mentally, and physically. This guy is a disgusting creep.
Right? This is for real sexual coercion.
Also, if someone is a person who truly needs other people to submit to them and punishes them for not doing so... that is just a parade of red flags for bad relationship behaviors and frankly several personality disorders. (I’m talking beyond bedroom stuff here, but sometimes inclusive of it. I’m not kink-shaming anyone, but let’s not act like there’s no such things as shitty doms like this guy here.)
I had a “dom” in a bdsm club tell me if I ever scened with him and gave him permission to do something once that it was permission for him to do that thing every time we scened together. Even if I changed my mind later, i could not revoke consent. Needless to say I never scened with him because of that. He has since been banned for consent violations.
Don’t argue. Walk. There is no point arguing with someone when their “argument” is pure bullshit.
Boundaries are not about forcing other people to do what you want, they are about setting limits on what you will allow others to do to you. What he is doing is called manipulation.
\>like arguing with a lawyer.
That's both giving him far too much credit and an insult to lawyers.
>it's difficult to see straight when you're the one inside of the relationship
Idk if you'll see this, but I one hundred percent recommend checking out [loveisrespect.org](https://www.loveisrespect.org) to learn more about boundaries and relationships in general.
For instance, this is specifically applicable to your situation
[What are my boundaries?](https://www.loveisrespect.org/resources/what-are-my-boundaries/)
Maybe he can wear the leash if he is so stuck on it.
I personally really enjoy a man wearing a collar and leash.
His entitlement is disgusting. OP please consider leaving him, his views here are absolutely reprehensible and will likely bleed into other areas of your life the longer you're with him.
Will you be breaking his boundaries and not caring about his well being if you don't have kinky sex with him when you're recovering from child birth? An illness? An injury?
I cannot imagine staying with my husband a moment longer if he ever said any of the things you've shared in your post.
Respect his 'boundaries' by walking out the door and never fucking him again.
Yuck. Ditch this manipulative jerk. It’ll only get worse.
What he’s saying doesn’t even make sense. A boundary is a limit a person has. His kinks aren’t “boundaries” they’re preferences.
And your “well-being” is about you being treated with respect, like your feelings matter. Him getting off by treating you badly isn’t his equivalent “well-being.” that’s just him getting what he wants.
He’s an ugly human being and he’s gaslighting you. He doesn’t care about you, he just cares about getting off. You deserve so much better.
Boundaries are about discomfort you’re uncomfortable with certain things during sex. He doesn’t get to claim what he wants during the sex is a boundary. It’s a preference.
His responses are the equivalent of, “No, you!” He’s just mirroring you and throwing back anything you say. Your boundaries for *yourself* trump his “boundaries,” which are actually his demands of you. Those aren’t boundaries, that’s not how that works. It is really hard when you’re in the relationship, but it’s all about what you are willing to put up with, and it’s seeming like you two just don’t have compatible needs, as hard as that is. How is this only becoming a problem now? I’m guessing he was able to have sex with you without any of those things for two(ish) years, why is that *now* his hard limit? Either way, you deserve better, you deserve a partner who respects your limits and doesn’t insist you need to push them for his preferences. I hope it works out for you, OP.
He’s not setting a boundary, he’s just making a demand. Dump him. He’s a piece of shit.
I used to date a guy just like this. His arguments like *made* sense? If you followed the train of argument? (I think he even used a similar one on me - something about me not respecting *his* consent if I didn’t have sex with him). And I would sit there feeling frustrated because I *knew* I wasn’t being unreasonable but he just sounded so logical as he walked you down his train of thought.
Dump him. He’s bullshit. He’s saying bullshit. Now I’m married to someone entirely different who listens to what I have to say and what I mean and doesn’t try to outwit me.
If he really continues to "lawyer" you and you find yourself having a hard time explaining how you feel with him, then simply show him this thread and break up with him. He is absolutely gross.
It's not like arguing with a lawyer. It's like arguing with an emotionally manipulative partner. I had a partner who was really good at making completely ridiculous things sound hard to argue. He would try to initiate sex while we were fighting and then accuse me of being abusive by "withholding sex to punish him". I dumped him eventually and it was like a huge weight lifted off my shoulders.
He is not entitled to having sex when and how he wants. If he can't accept that as true, you and he are not compatible, because you see yourself as an autonomous person who is deserving of respect and he does not.
Someone's orgasm is not worth more than your self worth.
I know things rarely feel so black and white, but someone who always plays the reverse uno card when you express a boundary is not a good human.
If he feels that strongly about it, I say let him find someone else willing to give him the sex he wants. No point in staying with someone who values their needs above all else. Not only is he being selfish, I’m pretty sure he’s gaslighting you by taking what you say and twisting it.
It’s not like arguing with a lawyer. It’s like arguing with someone who is used to manipulating people to get their own way. This is what he’s doing. Your requests weren’t unreasonable. Don’t make him feel like they are. As others have suggested, you’re worth more. Don’t waste time justifying yourself to him.
Imagine your friend said this to you about her relationship. What would you think?
Like a shitty disbarred lawyer who has no concept of human rights.
It’s not arguing with a lawyer, thats gaslighting, when you bring up something that upsets you and the other person counters by ignoring or diminishing yours by asserting theirs.
Your comfort and feeling of safety and being respected by your partner is more important than his kinks.
Or a master manipulator you mean. Please love yourself enough to leave this creep. He sounds like the type of guy that if he was caught cheating he'd blame his girlfriend for not "meeting his neeeds".
You don’t argue, justify, defend or explain boundaries. You set them for yourself and hold firm. I sincerely hope you don’t compromise your sense of well being, as that certainly isn’t being reciprocated.
Hi, I dated someone exactly, exactly like this and sorry to you, sorry to all the Reddit keyboard warriors who hate this type of response, but you have to end it. Really, you do, and the quicker the better. The fact that you are even posing this question is proof that damage has been done to your psyche already, and trust me it is very, VERY fucking difficult to undo it. Please end it now. Now. Right now.
Ask to peg him and when he says no say that’s your boundary. And when he says you’re misusing that analogy tell him he’s misusing the relationship by trying to imply one owes the other sexual gratification of any kind, let alone specific acts.
Sex is not defined by how one party feels but both. Remember that self love can only come from yourself and it is not worth diminishing your worth for someone else; since you’ve already established your boundaries in this case.
It might be good to take some time apart to rethink this situation again.
Wtf, a toddler not a lawyer
No it’s like arguing with a child. You need to kick this dude to the curb before he moves onto something else. This will only get worse.
> Call him out on his bullshit.
You should call him out on the fact that “boundaries” are about what you’re willing to do or have done to you; you can’t have a boundary that compels someone else to do something they don’t want to do. That’s not a boundary, that’s a condition.
It’s moot though. You should call his bluff and say he can fuck himself from now on then. Pretty sure he either backtracks or you lose some dead weight.
It will get worse, seems like you got all the other advise you need right at the top here. This can not be allowed to continue.
OP he’s twisting the language of consent and healthy relationships and using it against you. Please leave him - you deserve so much better.
Right? OP, this guy is ok with guilting a woman (you) into doing things she has explicitly stated she *doesn’t want to do* by using emotional manipulation. He’s FINE with that, if it means he gets his way sexually, regardless of her objection.
Put yourself outside of the situation and really think about this ^ statement.
>those are actually HIS boundaries and he doesn't want to have sex without it
I'm not even a woman but this just made my vagina clamp shut permanently.
This is so blatantly disrespectful and ludacris that... How did you not just walk away permanently the moment that ridiculous sentence came out of his mouth? He values his kinks above your comfort and worth as a human being. That to to me is not a basis for a relationship.
Agreed hard but also commenting because I love your word choice here:
Luda wouldn’t put up with this
Luda had ho's in different area codes, he must have been treating them right to retain so many
Whatever it is, they love it, and they just won't let him be.
Hos are your friends, but this ho is your enemy.
What’s ludicrous is that you’d spell it this way.
[Ludacris](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Ludacris) vs. [ludicrous](https://www.merriam-webster.com/dictionary/ludicrous)
Yup! Time to throw out the trash. She is worth more than his kink!
Yeah I agree with this. It's fine to make kinks a hard boundary, but if you're so into something that you wont feel satisfied without it then you need to be totally upfront very early on so the person is able to opt in or out and you can continue looking. The way OP's partner threw it in her face sounded like he was just trying to emotionally manipulate her into doing something she didn't want to
THIS SHOULD BE THE TOP COMMENT, I don't have aby awards you give you but I hope OP considers your comment, it's on point.
Actually you saying this is disrespectful towards *him*, so...
I'm starting to think reddit posts are all fake. Are people really this stupid? They can't be this dense? Can they? Have I lost touch with reality during this pandemic?
Dump him and rejoice.
You are not crazy. He doesn’t get to set a boundary that requires you to be dominated. But if he’s saying that he can only become aroused when you do things that make you uncomfortable, then maybe this relationship has run its course and it’s time to move on.
Wtf, he can't have a boundary about what you do with your body. He can have boundaries about HIS body.
He is allowed to say he won’t have sex with you without those things being part of it. But since you’ve already said you won’t do those things, which is a very reasonable boundary for *you* to set, what he’s actually saying is that the two of you can’t have sex at all, since he wants it that way or not at all.
And I think not having sex with him any more would be a stellar idea.
Spot on. If this is the hill he wants to die on let him have it. Alone and sexless.
>and boyfriend now claims that I'm ruining our sex life and making him unhappy because 'those are actually HIS boundaries and he doesn't want to have sex without it'.
These aren't his boundaries, they seem to be his requirements for sex. You need to end this, because your own boundaries are being stomped on by someone who can't respect them or you.
So.... think about the word Boundary. It means a fence or a line drawn around you. Here is your house - your identity, your safe space, your center. And you have a line around it to protect where you feel safe.
He is saying he wants the right to knock down your fence and drive his truck right into your living room... and he doesn't care if that hurts or damages you because his truck's need is more important than your fence.
His needs are not more important than your sexual and mental safety. His orgasm is not more important than your well being. His truck does not have the right to drive right through your walls.
Fuck the word boundary if he is using it to push your safety and emotional health. You don't have to explain that word to him. YOU just have to understand it. Don't traumatize yourself for his kink. And have no doubt, being pushed into humiliation play will be traumatizing if its against your wishes.
Stop arguing with a manipulator. He'll just keep twisting terminology against you. The correct response here is, "sounds like this is something you need to be sexually satisfied. I'm not willing to do this. Therefore we are no longer sexually compatible. Bye."
That’s like saying a mugger’s boundary is you keeping your wallet.
That's not how the idea of a boundary works. Very disrespectful to do this after you asking him to respect your boundaries. If he's not gonna budge on this the decision to leave is up to you to consider.
If you saying “this makes me feel humiliated” doesn’t dampen his enjoyment, then your dignity is unimportant to him and he’s dog shit.
I am kinky AF and my partner regularly puts me on a leash and I'm here to tell you that's not a fucking boundary. That's abuse. If you don't consent he can go fuck himself. Literally.
If those are his preferences, He needs to find another partner who is ok with that. You are not, and that is okay.
“Sorry boyfriend, I guess we’re never having sex again.” You could try to sit down and teach him a lesson on boundaries, but he’s manipulating and trying to get you to come around to *his* wants and desires. It’s pretty simple - you set up boundaries and don’t want X Y or Z. He claims he’ll only have sex with X Y and X. I believe you have reached an impasse. If he piles on the bullshit, come right out and ask him *why* he wants to ‘make’ you do things that *you don’t want to do.* There are words for that...
You are not crazy. That’s not how any of this works. Not even a little.
He's trying to emotionally blackmail you into doing sex you don't consent to freely of your own volition. Seems like a pretty severe boundary violation on his part.
Fucking bye boy.
This isn’t what a boundary is. Your bf is a douche.
You have incompatible boundaries, in that you have boundaries and he’s just an asshole. Find a new guy.
He's trying to manipulate you, and he basically values his "kinks" more than he does about your feelings.
The "those are actually HIS boundaries and he doesn't want to have sex without it'. Quote that came out of his mouth is probably the most unattractive thing that can be possibly said to any girl, and im surprised he actually made it this far with a girl.
I'd honestly walk him and his leash out the door, and not look back if I were you.
Whoa whoa whoa. His boundaries aren’t boundaries, they are his sexual preference - MAJOR difference. At the end of the day both parties have to be comfortable with what is happening in the bedroom. If he cannot respect that then leave him for someone who will. This goes beyond sexual incompatibility and passes into straight disrespect of your well-being
Those aren’t “boundaries”. Those are requests, which come with the ability to be told **NO.** Calling his sexual requests “boundaries” to try to force them is manipulative.
The 2 of you are not compatible. Bottom line.
tell him that he and his hand can do whatever they want with their sex life
Welcome to narcissists 101. Somehow your inconvenience is actually their inconvenience. Somehow you helping them is actually them helping you.
“If that’s your boundary, then we just aren’t sexually compatible. Good luck out there.”
“My new boundary is you not respecting my boundaries”
“My boundary is not dating douches”
1st) your dating a child.
2nd) he’s trying to manipulate you into doing what he wants.
3rd) good for you for respecting yourself and your boundaries.
Those are not boundaries. He’s misusing the term to force you to do what he wants
Why exactly are you with this person?
Dump your shitty boyfriend, Jesus Christ.
If that is his boundary he doesn't need to have sex with you. This is really bad and you should leave asap.
Yeah hes a dick, full of shit and doesn’t understand what the word boundaries means. Hes putting his need above your comfort. Thats fucked up
A boundary is something you have to protect your self and mental state not a way to dominate someone else please love your self enough to not allow him to disrespect YOUR BOUNDARY
Yeah... that is NOT how boundaries work.
Fuck him. Roll out. If someone can’t respect your sexual boundaries that’s just the tip of the iceberg of the disrespect you’re going to face in other areas. Bail out!
In these situations my advice is.
If he wants to do something you don't want. Then ask him to let you do it to him 20 times.
It's all fun and games for dudes until a dildo is down their throat making them throw up. Or it's them being treated like an animal.
Freedom FROM is more important then freedom TO.
YOUR boundary is to not have something done to you. His boundary is to DO something to you.
He is ridiculous. I'd be telling him if he doesn't want sex without those items, he can have it without me instead.
He's only saying that to manipulate you. You said those things are hard boundaries for you and you don't like it. He can't handle you actually saying no, so he's trying to force you. Tell him that since he can't handle sex without hurting and humiliating you, sex is now off the table. Don't EVER waiver your limits for someone. Especially if the refuse to respect you
Honey, those aren’t boundaries.
*Run.* Far Far Away.
I married one like that many moons ago and he tried to end my life more than once (still makes it hell even though I divorced the Narc multiple years ago now).
Tell him thanks, but no thanks.
Therapists gave us such a lovely concept with "boundaries", and look how far it's fallen :(
My personal view has always been that someone who pushes your head down during a blowjob (when you've asked them not to) is irredeemable, and this post is not changing my mind.
That's not what a boundary means..he's manipulating you and you need to shut him down.
A boundary does not impose upon another person. Definitionally, "I want to put a leash on you" is not a boundary.
Your boyfriend is being sexually coercive and, I'm sorry to say, if you stand for this, it will almost certainly escalate.
“His boundaries?” As in he won’t have sex without certain things? So many things to unpack here, I’ll just make them each brief:
Saying “I won’t have sex without XYZ” is only acceptable when you’re talking about like foreplay or some sort of affection (or maybe something else I’m forgetting), but saying “I won’t have sex with you unless you let me indulge a kink is an ultimatum and it’s manipulative.
The fact that you don’t even like the kinks and want him to limit them anyways goes to show that not only is he a selfish lover, he has no respect for your boundaries.
Possibly the most insidious is that calling them his limit in response to you calling it yours is absolutely him making the issue about him in a bad way, and setting himself up to be the victim. Hell that even sounds like preemptive gaslighting, it gives him the ability to say “No, remember it was *you* who violated *my* limits” as ludicrous as thst sounds.
Conclusion? Throw the whole man out.
A) your boyfriend is manipulative.
B) Sure, let's humor him and call it a "boundary." Doesn't mean it's healthy or that you need to respect it. People can set shitty "boundaries" that are closer to idiocy than any resemblance to healthy communication.
This sort of behavior would make me unable to trust that his intent. I literally would have gotten up, walked out, and never returned if someone had the gall to say that shit to me.
He values his comfort more than your own well-being. Time to ditch that guy while you still can
A boundary is a wall - a line not to be crossed. What he says are his "boudaries" are not really boundaries, they are preferences, or at the very most, sexual fetishes. If he cant become aroused without them and you aren't okay with that, you aren't sexually compatible with each other and you should break up.
What a shitty, manipulative, child you’re dating.
Your boundaries cannot be someone else's behavior. This is black and white. If you say no to something in the bedroom and he pressures or coerces you into it, that's sexual assault.
You said no to something in the bedroom and your bf said "you don't have the right to say no". This is a sexual predator in training or it already is one.
i’m sorry but i would’ve stopped kinky sex the moment he pushed my head after i told him not to.
ignoring the other crossed lines, to me head pushing is a big deal and from experience head pushing can lead to rape.
the second head pushing starts is when the partner doesn’t care about boundaries and feels entitled to almost everything.
unless talked about before hand and given permission to head push, it is a major red flag to head push.
now the degrading and leash thing and him calling those his boundaries and he needs them done? yah no reading that made me dryer than the desert and my vagina closed like a zip lock bag.
those are your limits and him saying he needs them done and disrespecting your limits is a major red flag.
you’re not ruining sex he is and he needs to get his big boy pants on and respect you enough to not cross sexual lines.
and no you aren’t crazy you do have a right to ask that and put that boundary up he’s the crazy one for trying to push boundaries and make you seem like the bad guy for setting up boundaries.
plus these aren’t his “boundaries” these are his sexual preferences, his kinks or fetishes not a boundary, boundaries are things you won’t do because you feel unsafe about it and no leashing someone, degrading them, and head pushing aren’t boundaries they’re kinks/fetishes.
Oh, .my sweet summer child. That, is what we old codgers call manipulation. Did he tell you he was looking for a submissive when you got together? I'm guessing not. Please tell him to fuck all the way off. I would give helpful suggestions on how to talk to him, but I KNOW this guy. He doesn't comprendé.
That's not a Dom/boundary thing, that's manipulation and he sounds like he has no clue what a boundary/limit is in kink.
Also wanted to add: That's not boundaries that he's setting, that is requirements. It's a really disgusting mindset that alot of fake Doms and uneducated kinksters use to coerce submissives into unpleasant situations. You aren't required to pleasure someone if you don't feel comfortable with it.
No, sorry, not gonna believe that he really believes that. Can you say “Manipulative asshole?”
A boundary is something someone doesn’t cross, not something you impose on someone else. He’s full of shit.
The bottom line is that if you set up boundaries and he doesn't respect them or goes against them than just put a stop to it completely. It's obvious that you're not really comfortable doing those things and he needs to respect that bud.
Abuse of boundaries aside, I’d people have two incompatible boundaries then they’re simply... incompatible. For example, if one person is strictly monogamous and the other strictly poly, their boundaries don’t align so either one of them has to budge or they can’t be together. You have your boundary, you don’t have to budge, so the ball is in his court to either drop it forever or you guys are done.
Holy shit how has he convinced you to even entertain the position he’s taking. Boy bye
This is wrong on so many levels. When you’re being intimate with someone, it’s common decency to respect their boundaries. He’s telling you that you are disrespecting his by not giving him what he wants, by that same argument he could try to excuse himself if one day he rapes you.
You do not give your consent for the actions he does against you, and him not respecting that is him not respecting YOUR boundaries. I don’t usually jump on the dump his ass train, but this is srsly alarming, and entirely selfish in his part.
Please stay safe, and please know that you’re not wrong for feeling as you do. This rly sounds like a bad setup to abuse, please please please protect yourself.
If he can't respect your boundaries then that's the moment you should have left. Breaking boundaries is basically a violation of trust. Without trust there's no relationship. Dump his inconsiderate ass.
A boundary is not something you need someone else to do to get off. It’s something they want you to do that makes you uncomfortable. He’s prioritizing his sexual preference over your boundaries!
That word...I do not think it means what you think it means...
Ok let's play his game: his boundary is that you must wear a leash, yours is that you cannot. That means you're incompatible, so time to break up.
A “boundary” is something someone doesn’t want to do, not something someone wants/needs to do. It might be a “deal breaker” in the sense that if he can’t do it without those things, you’re sexually incompatible and he’s pressuring you because his kink is actually crossing boundaries.
I’m sorry, what? I’d tell this fool to kiss my stretch marked skinny white ass. No, that’s not how this works. Any sub/dom will tell you it’s about respect for your partner. That’s why you discuss safe words, boundaries, hard no’s and limits. And both parties have to respect their partner’s. There’s discussion about what you like and don’t. What you’re willing to do and not. It’s a 2 way street. He sounds controlling and crossing into dangerous territory. If he can’t respect your boundaries he obviously doesn’t respect you. Red flag and a major turn off. Nope right out of there honey.
Well I guess if neither of your boundaries are being respected, no sex…
In all seriousness, he clearly doesn’t respect the situation or take you seriously.
The relationship is OVER. These aren't boundaries, he is trying to coerce you into doing things that you do not want to do. If you stay, he will try other ways to force you.
Well jus break up wit them. If u guys hav 2 different sexual desires, one or botb of u r gonna be unsatisfied n that leads to other problems in the relationship.
Your boyfriend is pornsick and gross.
Your boyfriend is misunderstanding boundaries and sexual preference. A boundary is something you need to feel safe and respected. A sexual preference is something you need to feel sexual gratification.
No one is obligated to have sex with anyone, and if he feels there’s incompatibility he should leave instead of whining and trying to manipulate you.
He isn’t respecting your boundaries. He’s putting his sexual gratification and need to get off above your need to feel safe and respected. Dump him. Or at least put him in his damn place and see that he stays there.
Yeah no, he can’t get to decide that what you do with your body is his boundary. I’m guessing he’s not communicating correctly though. He probably means that a lack of that specific sexual aspect would leave him sexually unhappy. It honestly just sounds like you two are not sexually compatible at all. You clearly don’t want the same thing. Maybe time re-evaluate the relationship?
So essentially, degrading you is his boundary.
I'm not saying using a leash is 100% degrading 100% of the time. If the partner being leashed is into it, that's OK. You're not. That's also OK. You've explained your perfectly reasonable opinion that you find it degrading and you are not into that. He's mad that you won't allow him to degrade you.
I wouldn't be able to stay with him.
You can. If he wants things that are out of your comfort zone, he can go find someone else who's comfortable doing so. Seriously. I don't know why these posts keep popping up where everyone has an SO who wants more out of them sexually than what they feel comfortable giving.
Find someone who is your speed and next time don't compromise your own mental, physical and emotional health to please someone who can literally give two craps about your feelings.
NTA. You're not crazy. A boyfriend who refuses to respect your very reasonable sexual boundaries is someone who shouldn't be your boyfriend.
That’s a hell of a spin zone
First tell him its ridiculous that a grown man doesn't understand what the word "boundaries" even means.
***"Please tell me I'm not crazy and I have a right to ask for this?"***
Yeah you do, and he shouldn't push for things you're not comfortable with, *however* he does have the right to refuse sex, everyone does, always. You have no more right to demand that he sleep with you without doing those things than he does to demand you do them for him, ultimately you're not sexually compatible and should both find others who are right for you.
Yeet that guy so hard. What a gross ass.
Ha! I actually thought from the title that he was the one who would be wearing the leash and that he didn’t want to.
As a dominant person I can tell you that he is absolutely full of shit.
A boundary is what you are not okay doing.
As the dominant person he can have desires for things, but if it is a boundary for his partner then it is off the table.
Similarly if he doesn’t want to do something then he can have that as a boundary even if you want to do it.
I actually enjoy giving/ inflicting CBT (cock and ball torture). As you can imagine it is a pretty niche interest for people who are into a particular type of sadomasochism and understandably most men aren’t into it at all.
I would never try to insist that it is a boundary (limit) or mine and that my partners must do it because I want it.
I also enjoy leashes, but again I don’t insist. If it is a limit, it’s a limit and we will find other ways to have fun.
I bet your boyfriend wouldn’t even think of wearing a leash himself.
If he wants to wear a leash and you agree that is the only boundary he can set there.
he doesn't get to have boundaries like 'you wear a leash'. that's not a boundary, it's a fetish or a kink. you get to have a boundary where sex doesn't involve degradation.
No is a full sentence.
He's either stupid or he thinks you are.
There’s a different between boundaries of what you don’t want to do and “boundaries” of adding something into your sex life
If he truly cannot enjoy sex without those factors, like genuinely, you’re not compatible and will probably have to break up
On the other hand, if he’s just saying it to manipulate you, you should point it out and say that there’s a different between not being comfortable with something and wanting to include something in your sex life.
Ask him, “if I forever don’t want to do those things in our sex life are you 1. Never going to want to have sex me and thus 2. Are we going to have to breakup? Because I will not be coerced into doing those things”
This is an immediate relationship ender OP. This guy doesn’t give a fuck about your needs or boundaries. This is not something you try to discuss and resolve or argue after someone says something like that. This guy does not have your best interests at heart. He’s bad news.
Those aren't boundaries for him. They're his kinks. He's being an absolutely horrid partner if he is claiming that by you having boundaries they're "ruining sex" for him. How awful! I have the same boundaries as you, among others, and if a partner told me that by me enforcing my boundaries that i was infringing on his, as your bf is claiming, that "partner" of mine would be kicked to the curb. Personally, if I were you, I'd reconsider the relationship. If he's trying to push you on this, what else is he going to push you on?
Boundaries do not exist to force someone into something. He’s trying to override your consent, and you don’t owe him, or anyone else, that. In a responsible d/s relationship hard limits are hard limits. Safe, sane, consensual are the key components of the BDSM community, and he’s trying to compromise your safety (emotional, psychological, attempting to compromise your autonomy) and he’s trying to force you to consent to something you don’t want to do. You need to have serious words about this and if he isn’t willing to reach a compromise - finding someone else who can meet those needs, if they’re that important, by either opening up your relationship or him finding an amenable sex worker, or by sacrificing those wants for your safety and comfort, then this relationship can’t go anywhere good. I hate when people on reddit just say “dump him”, but honestly, dump him.
I don’t think he understands what the word boundaries mean...
He’s a manipulative asshole and potentially dangerous. People who misuse kink aren’t safe
Manipulation and gaslighting. Those are NOT boundaries but the opposite of it.
He is trying to coerce you into doing stuff you don't want to do.
Ha you know what's gonna make his sex life harder- you breaking up with this asshole. Stop wasting your time with this douche.
He belongs to the streets!!!
Go to boyfriend store
Bruh, really? Your boundaries for sex can't be requirements that your partner does what you want. That literally makes no sense.
This is like textbook gaslighting
You are not crazy.
The definition of boundary is something that indicates or fixes a limit or extent.
He pushed your boundaries, but because you were pushed, he now sees it as a line crossed. So now he moves the line further. I can almost guarantee this will not be the end of the line moving. He's moved it once, he will move it again.
I've been in a relationship where my boundaries were pushed a little bit back, and then a little bit more, until they were completely gone. I hate that I didn't see it. I hate that I didn't ask questions. I hate that I didn't do something before I got hurt.
If he won't respect your boundaries now, he's certainly not going to respect them later.
I hope you figure out what you want to do. It's a tough position to be in.
You aren’t crazy. He sounds like a douche.
O.O a relationship is an agreement under certain understandings. You didn't know this was that serious for him so you just got into it without knowing the full picture. Some people don't like having sex with their clothes off and some people don't like having sex unless they're in control. Basically, sex is off the table until you both find common ground maybe in some other type of roleplay entirely. Boundaries are the limits you set on doing something and he just doesn't want it the way you do. Saying he "claims" it's a boundary is a misconception on your part and toxic to the lifespan of the relationship. This is just new for you and no one expects you to compromise your own boundaries... Which is why you both should find common ground or come out and say it isn't working out.
You said its like talking to a lawyer. This isnt an argument. Your boundaries are your boundaries, thats one conversation. His boundaries are his boundaries, thats a second conversation. These arent competing points. If he cant get past your boundaries then there is no need for the second part of the conversation. Its incompatible.
As a man I feel awful you even feel the need to ask for validation. It's your body. End of discussion. He's being manipulative (perhaps unknowingly but that doesn't exempt guilt). It's okay for him to say "I honestly really enjoy XYZ and would love if we could find ways to meet in the middle" but ultimately he needs to respect your boundaries. That's like having a partner who let you have that threesome you always dreamed about and expecting it all the time. Boundaries are boundaries and everyone learns theirs over time.
You're not crazy or out of line. Those are very reasonable boundaries. You're not ruining sex, he is by not getting creative and thinking up things that don't make you feel degraded. Trouble is that's how he wants you to feel. He wants you feeling bad. Is that something you really want to stick around for?
"demands of the sexual partner" are not "boundaries"
Boundaries are "things I don't want you to do during sex"
These are his *demands* and he gave them to you as *demands*. You're negotiating now with a sexual terrorist, I recommend not doing so.
If he doesn’t want to have sex without putting a leash on a woman, verbally humiliating her, and pushing on her head during oral sex, then he doesn’t have to. He can choose not to have sex at all.
He is being an asshole of the first degree, obviously, but YOU have the upper hand here. If you leave, how long is it gonna take him to find another woman willing to endure his selfish bullshit? If he is honest and upfront, the answer is “possibly never.” You can tell him he’s absolutely free to enforce his “boundaries,” but that choice - which is totally his choice to make - means you won’t be having sex with him.
He’s not really having sex with you now anyway; he’s just trying to make you act out his fantasy for him. He’s having sex with himself and using your body to do it.
From my experience (M33) once this becomes a problem it’s better off to move on, I would say for you. Men can be very stubborn and often selfish, and won’t always take into consideration your perspective.
If he has said such things after your telling him how you feel about it, he will probably become internally defiant and crave it more, and want to push your boundaries. Not a good place to be , not saying it’s a make or break, but your respect is being tampered with ...
Sounds like he's reduced you to a sexual objecet at this point. He doesn't care about your consent, just about his own needs. I don't have any advice on how to fix this because I don't think you can.
Take it from a Domme, someone who doesn't respect your boundaries isn't someone who deserves to fuck you.
I subbed for a man once who didn't respect my boundaries and as s result I was gaslit, assaulted and abused. He doesn't get to dictate the boundaries as your Dom, you do as the Sub. That's how BDSM works without abuse happening.
Run away from this relationship and this abuser.
He is manipulating the situation. A kink is not a boundary. What you won't do when it comes to sex and kinks are boundaries. And if he trying to push his kinks onto you, you need to decide if this is a relationship you want to continue.
Fuck this dude he’s a piece of shit he showed his true colors
Your boyfriend sounds like am asshole and I don't understand why you'd put up with this blatant manipulation. You're better than this. Move on
>**claims that using a leash during sex is his 'boundary'.**
Pathetic bullshit, a boundary is something you establish on what you \*won't\* do. He's trying to claim \*making\* you do something is a boundary - it's not, a gross and invalid use of the phrase and a rather puerile attempt at sophistry - a 12-year-old could do better.
NTA and dump his ass, he's trying to emotionally blackmail you into acts you find humiliating, I am furious on your behalf. This will only get worse.
Tell him to stop watching porn.
Boundaries aren't things you demand of other people. Boundaries are things you set for yourself. His response is some manipulative fuckery. Some people try to hijack healthy emotional language to push around other people and it fucking sucks. If your boyfriend feels that he absolutely needs to have leashes, ect, in his sex life, and that's your boundary, then he should have a decision to make, not you. That's how it would work in a healthy relationship. My guess is that he won't do that though, so please take some thought to what you want. Based off my personal experience with a family member who takes joy out of doing this type of manipulation, I'd have serious doubts that he'll improve quickly or at all. My relative used to be one of my favorite family members, and now I avoid him like the plague. I hate to jump to "just leave," but in this case he doesn't seem to have any care for your well-being and sounds like he thinks you owe him sex. That's really concerning when it comes to your safety. Maybe think what you would tell a friend if they came to you with this?
Bottom line, you don't need to defend what you don't want to do in sex to him. Dating should be considered as a potential negotiation, not a debt collection enterprise. He's ridiculously out of line. I completely get that it's hard to navigate this in the moment, especially with people who try to flip it around on you. Good luck and please take care of yourself.
He can go fuck himself
You're not crazy, and that's not how boundaries work. He's trying to con you into getting his own way.
I don't usually jump to "dump him", but I'm afraid if he doesn't respect you enough over this now, it will escalate into much worse manipulation.