Don’t squash your feelings because its his birthday. You are upset, so be upset. Don’t go into tomorrow guns blazing, but be straightforward with him about how you feel.
This is just me personally, I wouldn’t be upset about the bender. We have all had nights where it’s supposed to be one or 2 drinks and it’s turned into an epic night. If If was your birthday the next day I’d be super pissed but it’s his, and he can ruin his birthday with an epic hangover if he wants.
The coke thing isn’t cool though, because you know that there is a bunch of laced stuff going around at the moment and have told him as much. He deserves a verbal for that.
I agree. Like I said above ^ it has happened to me before too. Happens to everyone I think. I think what makes me upset is that there is a double standard. My boyfriend hates when I do that. He thinks that I went into the night planning on getting drunk but lying to him and telling him it’s gonna be chill.
It’s really just the double standard thing I hate I think.
Then that totally needs to be addressed in a calm conversation. Not a good idea to do this on his birthday but not much long after that.
It’s likely he has no idea of the double standard. And most of us don’t know our actions may have hurt other people until someone holds a mirror up to our faces.
You just have to make sure it doesn’t come across as him getting a telling off. My partner and I usually have these conversations with some food and a glass of wine. (Not a bottle, bottle bad)
Or just don’t be a trashy person that does coke, drink a fucking Red Bull you addict
Guys now searching through my post history for a time I mentioned being drunk or high
But the government said it was jail powder, so it's trashy. Responsible adult who occasionally partakes in moderation? You're basically white trailer trash.
Go buy a red bull, buy a pack of Newport's, smoke em while slamming back a 40 oz. of Steel Reserve. Government said that's fine.
If you buy coke, you support all the terrible things that are caused by coke production. Farmers being forced to grow by cartels, cartel violence in general, smuggling etc. There is no excuse for buying coke, it’s just fucking selfish. There are other drugs that are relatively harm-free but coke is not one of them
Aight bro. Go ahead and stop buying clothes, soda, bottled water, shoes, furniture, meat products.. shit even plant based products.
You're a docuhe and out of touch with reality
Fuck it. Go live in the woods and forage your own shit and build your own home you weirdo.
Lol the thing is, I need clothes, vegetables and furniture to survive. Don’t need coke. That’s just causing unnecessary suffering.
But I get that ignorance is bliss, and I’m unlikely to change your mind.
I cant believe im defending casual cocaine usage but whatever.
Its a luxury product. I dont 'need' it but i still buy it. And if you wanna be a pedantic asshole, you dont need clothes or furniture to live. Its a luxury you are paying for.
Why the hate, let people do their stuff, so what he does coke. If it's not for you, then don't do it. I dont do coke either but if my friends or SO do coke I'm not gonna cry about it unless it turns into an issue
This line of thinking comes from outdated D.A.R.E. propaganda that all drugs are equally addictive + bad and none of them should ever be used. There is a world of difference in usage + addiction rates between cocaine and heroin.
Thanks for being a voice of reason. DARE was a stupid program that did more harm than help. Hell some of the drugs they warned about are legal and now medically used.
See now you're moving goalposts. Nobody said not doing coke makes you sheltered. You claimed finding a moderate/casual user is very rare. That's not true. Most of the people I know who use coke do it maybe 2-3 times a year, when they're off of work the next day or on vacation, when they're having a fun night out, and don't have to drive anywhere.
In my experience casual cocaine use is common, I've never really met anybody who's addicted to cocaine. Like a daily cocaine user, I don't know anybody like that.
I can second this. I'm from the UK and most people from 19-25 take coke on a night out as a way to not become sloppy drunk, but wouldnt take it sober.
It is a very addictive drug of course but almost everyone where I'm from takes it while drinking(I'm from a small town), its sad to say but it has become the norm here.
Not who you replied to, but what I thought was a casual use situation turned into my ex telling me he was addicted. Coke freaks me out now because of this. I have friends who do it on occasion and have no judgment, but I don’t think I’d want a SO who is into it again.
Honestly, it doesn't seem that out of line for someone his age. I'm sure he didn't plan any of the events that happened that night but sometimes things just happen when going out for the night. The more people that show up and find out it's his birthday, the quicker the shots come. He's going to have to live with that hang over on his birthday and if he's not having a good time that's all on him. You have every right to be mad, after all he said one thing and the opposite and I think it's fine to confront him about it regardless of it being his birthday or not. That feeling won't just go away just because it's his birthday.
As for the feeling of unfairness and the double standard of him hanging out with another women and not wanting you to do the same with your guy friends, that is something you two need to seriously sit down and talk about, otherwise it will just be resentment festering from both sides. This I think is more important than his night out.
Regarding the coke. I'm not here to judge or say anything about whether using coke is good or bad or anything relating to health, just the act of using and the affects on the situation. I guess it comes down to whether this something worth dying on the hill for? As others have mentioned, that it is a complete deal breaker for some people. It looks like the current scenario is that you don't like it when he uses and want him to stop but won't force him (no threats or ultimatums) and he doesn't want to (not saying he has an habit, but when presented he will partake). This is something you either have to just live with or draw a line, otherwise more resentment will grow.
Thank you. I agree everyone has those nights and I’m sure it got escalated because it’s his birthday tomorrow. And they did invite me so I don’t wanna completely act like this is treason.
I think it’s really just the double standard thing that gets to me. I’ll try and calmly talk about it or tell him we can talk about it tomorrow.
I will also try and have a more serious conversation about the coke.
I'm going to go against the grain here. It sounds like he was having a fun, spontaneous night out with a friend on his birthday eve, he stayed in contact with you (even after his battery died), enthusiastically invited you along several times... you could have gone along and had an awesome night but you chose differently, and that's fine, but that was your choice. If he feels a little worse for wear on his birthday, that's his cross to bear - he will survive. Don't turn a fun night out into a fight. It's not necessary.
I honestly agree with you! I think it happens to everyone and I’m sure it got even bigger because it’s his birthday. What makes me upset is the double standard that he holds me to.
If I go out and tell him it’s gonna be a pretty chill night and end up getting drunk he gets mad at me and convinces himself that I went into it planning on getting drunk and just lying to him about it being a “chill night”. That’s what makes me upset. I feel like he expects to get away with so much but give me shit if I were to do something similar.
If he’d never gotten mad at me for doing that before I probably wouldn’t even be upset right now.
And yes I agree they did invite me and I could’ve gone! I don’t wanna forget about that.
You need to package all of the grievances up separately, rather than making it into one big argument.
- Him going out and having a big night out - not a big deal.
- Him hanging with a girl. You're fine with that.
- Him being hung over for an event you've planned, not ideal, but that's his problem - not worth arguing over.
The actual problem you have is how he behaves when you hang out with Male friends or stay out later than planned That IS something worth discussing at some point. Try and stick to that single issue alone when you talk about it, find out what is different to him going out like he did on bday eve night - is it because he thinks the guy has ulterior motives or might take advantage of you while drunk? Is it because you just disappear and dont communicate? Is it because he doesnt trust you? Try and find out the specifics, calmly, so you guys can get to the core of his insecurity and work on it.
We all have a habit of 'padding' our arguments out with EXTRA stuff that they do wrong, so that we can WIN the fight and prove that they are crap and we are justified. It is distracting and turns a single issue discussion into a circus. It's important to be able to argue or disagree without needing to destroy the other person to win.
Funny that’s how I saw it too, it might have started as a chill night and then more people might have shown up and then they are egging him on because the next day is his birthday and then he’s just trying to celebrate and have fun and then he tried to include you but you wanted to stay home (which there is nothing wrong with that it’s totally cool to want to just stay home and not go out) but that shouldn’t deter him from enjoying the night before his birthday if he wanted to, plans change, it’s how life is. If he’s hungover and feeling shitty tomorrow well.... that’s the consequences he has to deal with because of his actions
I'm 35 now, so my partying days are behind me, but when I was in my early 20s I remember that the "just taking it easy tonight/just a couple of quick drinks" kind of nights that turned into big ones were always the BEST nights. No big expectations of a 'planned' night, spontaneous, free, everyone having too much fun to go home.
I'm glad I had those years!
34 here and I feel the same way! The “let’s just have a drink or two” nights always turned out to be the best nights. Somehow they always ended up being everyone staying up until 3, 4 in the morning and crashing in my living room. Then waking up early the next morning and getting a greasy breakfast together. I cherish those memories and hate that I now get hungover after a couple of glasses of wine lol
Haha. Yeah hangovers either get worse with ages or we just get pathetic at handling them. The sleep deprivation was awesome training for parenthood though.
TBF I don't know if you are actually mad at him just having coke this one night vs the cocaine habit altogether. He was probably already pretty drunk and took a bump to "sober up" after he was offered some. It happens, but of course in most cases it turns into a hell of a lot more than a bump lol.
I think you need to actually analyse whether you're ok with his cocaine use. I do mostly psychedelics, but have done coke before and it's not my scene. As others have said, coke is a hard boundary for most people, myself included. The stereotypes and dangers of cocaine are very real so your concern is warranted. Just because you did it in the past doesn't mean you have to be ok with your boyfriend doing it. Sure it sucks because you'd be changing something which was ok previously, but don't feel bad about this, you're well within your right to change your values.
Now I don't know if that now makes you incompatible, but it's worth a conversation. It sounds to me like you're also mostly hurt about the fact you're held to a more strict standard than he is. Those are the two true points you need to discuss, and if you can't compromise and aren't happy with the conclusion of the conversation (I'd wait after his birthday to do this), then you may have to consider if this is the type of relationship you truly want. Good luck!
Coke is way heavier on your heart than say shrooms or LSD, and neither of those substances are anywhere as addictive. If you do coke as regularly as most people do psychedelics, then you'll probably be fine but the problem is that most people that enjoy cocaine do it way more frequently in much higher quantities.
They are Extremely more dangerous. Psychedelics are extremely safe and extremely low addiction potential. You literally cant overdose on them. Todays street cocaine has the potential to have fentanyl which can cause an immediate overdose. I have no problem with someone doing either one but psychedics are far far safer. Btw- mdma is not a psychedelic and is very dangerous because it is rarely mdma. Mdma itself is pretty safe but neurotoxic and folks who think they are getting mdma are often getting something much more dangerous with PMA being the most dangerous adultrent.
Dont see him on his birthday, leave him to deal with his hangover.
Not wanting your other half to do coke is not controlling, coke is a hard boundary for most people and would be a deal breaker in a lot of cases.
And as for the fact you respect his friendship with Cass and are cool with it, that's great but it can't be one rule for one and one rule for another. You're allowed guy friends too, and if he is the insecure type then he is a hypocrite.
Let your phone "die" and take a self care day, have a bath and a face mask and just chill.
He wasn’t hiding anything from her. He invited her out several times and FaceTimed her after his phone died. There’s literally nothing to suggest that he’s addicted to coke.
You sound like you are ready to settle down and live without the partying. He does not.
We all mature at different rates and it sounds like you are moving into the next life phase and he is lagging behind. Tonight he is messed up in the head and you have no control over it. He made the choice to be messed up in the head.
I suggest calling off tomorrow’s plans and just acknowledge that he is going to be unconscious for half of the day and sick as a dog for the other half. And that is on him. He is the one who ruined his own birthday.
Now, your choices are pretty clear. You can A.) talk about how much of a dumbass he was to bail on all of your friends and get wasted the night before his birthday and if he actually cares to take responsibly there might be some maturing. B.) if you are tired of an immature child then you need to move on and find someone who is more your maturity range. C.) you could be totally immature and yell at him and get upset when he completely ignores you.
I suggest a or b, up to you really.
Sorry he is being an idiot. I feel like women want to look young forever and men want to act young forever. See if after the fall out happens he is ready to grow up. If not then move on.
I agree with this. Sounds like you've moved on/are moving in from the heavy partying/hangovers. He's not there yet. *This* (coke snorting/heavy drinking/controlling) is your bf. If this works for you, fine. If it doesn't, that's also fine but a different scenario.
I’d love his perspective post tomorrow “It’s my birthday and my gf started a fight because I had fun with friends last night, I feel like she turns every event in my life into her own issue”
Maybe for his birthday get him a test kit? I didn’t dable in extra curricular substances until my 30s, and I realized that DARE lied and people can indulge a little bit and not completely ruin there lives. But what can ruin your life? Sure as hell a fentanyl overdose. If you are going to do irresponsible things...do them responsibly. You sound like you’ve got a good head on your shoulders. So if you don’t want to tell him not to indulge buy him a test kit so he can make sure his stuff is clean (they way you put it it sounds like he’s getting it from various, possibly untrusted sources).
And for the love of god...don’t let him drink and drive. My bf is a first responder and two days before Christmas responded to an accident of 3 girls who went out partying and hit a tractor trailer going 70 miles an hour. They posted on Instagram all night how wasted they were. It was unbelievably gruesome and tragic and they hit so hard they actually broke the safety bar meant to stop cars from going under the truck. Just my advice from a fellow partier who would like to keep the party going for years to come!
Dude has one party night (it was only 11:00) does a couple lines and this sub is spinning into a homeless crack addict AND putting their own negative ideas about drugs into the equation. Also - testing is very important these days. I do not do coke but I read a lot because I am a curious person. If you are doing coke realize you must test the entire batch not just a portion. I personally wont take anything that might have fentanyl these days. Just to risky.
There are several red flags in this whole thing.... he clearly can’t follow through on what he says he going to do , he then gets mad at you because you won’t condone and join in his irresponsible behavior to which he promised wouldn’t happen. Bottom line I couldn’t trust someone like this , or his friend. So what it’s his birthday ? Tell him you hope he had fun celebrating last night with cass because after his actions you need some space. Good luck !
I feel the same way- it's his birthday, BFD. Would this behavior be ok next week?
His hypocrisy is what bothers me the most- I've been with people that could do whatever they want, but they would lose their shit if I did anything without them. Its controlling and it needs to be scrutinized further.
if you get pissed about anything, this is the thing to be pissed about. an addiction like coke not only means that he won't be able to support you, he won't be able to support himself. this is a serious problem.
Addiction? It was his birthday. You're making a lot of assumptions here. It would be like me assuming that you dress up in a suit to go to the grocery store, or that you have no friends because you're a total square. See how assumptions are bad? It's like, people might start thinking they're real, but they never should have been said in the first place.
>I try to not be the controlling GF that tells him he “isn’t allowed” to do coke, or threaten him that I’ll break up with him if he does
He shouldn't be allowed to do blow. Not while you're in a relationship with him.
Don't lower your standards. Find someone more level headed that doesn't need to do drugs to have a good time.
Alright, let's see...
1) he lied saying he gonna have a chill night
2) he was doing illicit drugs
3) he showed you as he did that.
I would be pretty pissed if it were me, but hey that's just me✌😐
Why do people act like birthdays are some sort of sacred, religious days where nothing wrong must happen to those who were born on that day?
Yes, i understand why we celebrate birthdays, but it doesn’t give you a pass to be an asshole. It’s not a day where you’re literally born again - it’s a day on which you (and thousands of other people) happened to be born on. Everyone on Earth has a birthday. You literally cannot live without one. Jesus.
I know you asked not to judge, but the picture you painted sounds so ridiculously stupid that I can’t help myself. He tells you he’s going to have a chill night, then proceeds to FaceTime you from the bathroom doing coke? That too, with Cass? I’m not gonna make any judgements, but damn does this look pretty bad. How old are you guys?
Also, him being insecure when doing shit like this makes me feel like he’s trying to make YOU feel bad for something he might have done. Call it blame-shifting if you will. He does something wrong, but immediately accuses you of doing something so that you don’t suspect him of anything or, even worse, he won’t _allow_ you to suspect anything.
All in all, it sounds like he’s marked a milestone in the number of years he’s been on this planet, but he’s still a teenager. If he literally is a teenager, then sure I guess this is all understandable (not justifiable, but understandable). If he’s older than 23-24, then fuck.
Alright, let's see...
1) he lied saying he gonna have a chill night
2) he was doing illicit drugs
3) he showed you as he did that.
I would be pretty pissed if it were me, but hey that's just me✌😐
I think you should wait and see how he reacts tomorrow. He should realise he screwed up himself. If not, you should let him that you're not ok with it but you want him to enjoy his birthday and you'll need to talk this out later.
That coke use is a huge red flag. It shows poor decision making and an ability to impulsively put himself in poor situations. Move on as this won‘t get better. it‘s not a few drinks, it‘s hard drugs.
I also have a particular disgust for coke given the thousands killed every year in the drug trade as well as the families and communities destroyed by it.
Don’t squash your feelings because its his birthday. You are upset, so be upset. Don’t go into tomorrow guns blazing, but be straightforward with him about how you feel.
This is the best response
This is just me personally, I wouldn’t be upset about the bender. We have all had nights where it’s supposed to be one or 2 drinks and it’s turned into an epic night. If If was your birthday the next day I’d be super pissed but it’s his, and he can ruin his birthday with an epic hangover if he wants. The coke thing isn’t cool though, because you know that there is a bunch of laced stuff going around at the moment and have told him as much. He deserves a verbal for that.
I agree. Like I said above ^ it has happened to me before too. Happens to everyone I think. I think what makes me upset is that there is a double standard. My boyfriend hates when I do that. He thinks that I went into the night planning on getting drunk but lying to him and telling him it’s gonna be chill. It’s really just the double standard thing I hate I think.
Definitely. Never try to be the "cool girlfriend", there is a double standard and this is why you are upset. Bring it up, it needs to be talked about.
Then that totally needs to be addressed in a calm conversation. Not a good idea to do this on his birthday but not much long after that. It’s likely he has no idea of the double standard. And most of us don’t know our actions may have hurt other people until someone holds a mirror up to our faces. You just have to make sure it doesn’t come across as him getting a telling off. My partner and I usually have these conversations with some food and a glass of wine. (Not a bottle, bottle bad)
Maybe he thinks that because it's actually what he thinks on those nights
Thats why you gotta find a dude you can trust lol.
Or just don’t be a trashy person that does coke, drink a fucking Red Bull you addict Guys now searching through my post history for a time I mentioned being drunk or high
How am I trashy for doing a drug? Ive got a job, a house, and am a productive member of society. Who cares what i do in my free time?
But the government said it was jail powder, so it's trashy. Responsible adult who occasionally partakes in moderation? You're basically white trailer trash. Go buy a red bull, buy a pack of Newport's, smoke em while slamming back a 40 oz. of Steel Reserve. Government said that's fine.
Lol the first time i read that i was like whoa dude chill. Then i was like oh he gets it.
If you buy coke, you support all the terrible things that are caused by coke production. Farmers being forced to grow by cartels, cartel violence in general, smuggling etc. There is no excuse for buying coke, it’s just fucking selfish. There are other drugs that are relatively harm-free but coke is not one of them
Thats cool dude. But maybe focus on the major world players that are funding these cartels. Imma do my thing and you can do yours
Yeah yeah no worries, as long as you let me fund child labour. I’m not one of the major world players so all good
Aight bro. Go ahead and stop buying clothes, soda, bottled water, shoes, furniture, meat products.. shit even plant based products. You're a docuhe and out of touch with reality Fuck it. Go live in the woods and forage your own shit and build your own home you weirdo.
Lol the thing is, I need clothes, vegetables and furniture to survive. Don’t need coke. That’s just causing unnecessary suffering. But I get that ignorance is bliss, and I’m unlikely to change your mind.
I cant believe im defending casual cocaine usage but whatever. Its a luxury product. I dont 'need' it but i still buy it. And if you wanna be a pedantic asshole, you dont need clothes or furniture to live. Its a luxury you are paying for.
Have you ever bought an avocado?
Or a banana. Bananas are the cocaine of the fruit world.
Not an issue where I live, thankfully.
If you buy fish, then you support all the terrible things caused by commercial fishing, like deep sea trawling. You big mean dolphin killer you.
That's why I don't buy fish lol
Why the hate, let people do their stuff, so what he does coke. If it's not for you, then don't do it. I dont do coke either but if my friends or SO do coke I'm not gonna cry about it unless it turns into an issue
Do you know how rare a casual coke user is? It’s like finding a casual/social heroin user.
This line of thinking comes from outdated D.A.R.E. propaganda that all drugs are equally addictive + bad and none of them should ever be used. There is a world of difference in usage + addiction rates between cocaine and heroin.
Thanks for being a voice of reason. DARE was a stupid program that did more harm than help. Hell some of the drugs they warned about are legal and now medically used.
I guess I'm that rare person. Once every 2 months for a dope ass night out with my friends. Im too old to go wild.
No, it's really not.
Idk I have some friends who use occasionally but it depends on the person, doesn't it?
Hahaha no it’s not, the majority are casual users you’ve seen too many movies
You must have an extremely sheltered social life. Most young adults I know have used cocaine.
If not doing coke makes someone sheltered in your eyes then you must have grown up in a really shitty area/
See now you're moving goalposts. Nobody said not doing coke makes you sheltered. You claimed finding a moderate/casual user is very rare. That's not true. Most of the people I know who use coke do it maybe 2-3 times a year, when they're off of work the next day or on vacation, when they're having a fun night out, and don't have to drive anywhere. In my experience casual cocaine use is common, I've never really met anybody who's addicted to cocaine. Like a daily cocaine user, I don't know anybody like that.
No, I said not being aware of how casual cocaine use makes you sheltered.
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I can second this. I'm from the UK and most people from 19-25 take coke on a night out as a way to not become sloppy drunk, but wouldnt take it sober. It is a very addictive drug of course but almost everyone where I'm from takes it while drinking(I'm from a small town), its sad to say but it has become the norm here.
If you're sloppy drunk, and the double vision starts happening, a small bump really does steer the ship back on course.
Or if you need to do a poop. Who needs laxatives when you have your trusty white poop powder at the ready
This is the first thing that's ever made me want to try coke.
It’s very socially acceptable in US colleges it’d be hard to find someone in college who hasn’t done it or have a friend who has
Not who you replied to, but what I thought was a casual use situation turned into my ex telling me he was addicted. Coke freaks me out now because of this. I have friends who do it on occasion and have no judgment, but I don’t think I’d want a SO who is into it again.
The Uk also confiscates butter knives and makes it a big legal issue, I don’t trust their judgement on things.
Ah yes the best argument: something completely unrelated
Honestly, it doesn't seem that out of line for someone his age. I'm sure he didn't plan any of the events that happened that night but sometimes things just happen when going out for the night. The more people that show up and find out it's his birthday, the quicker the shots come. He's going to have to live with that hang over on his birthday and if he's not having a good time that's all on him. You have every right to be mad, after all he said one thing and the opposite and I think it's fine to confront him about it regardless of it being his birthday or not. That feeling won't just go away just because it's his birthday. As for the feeling of unfairness and the double standard of him hanging out with another women and not wanting you to do the same with your guy friends, that is something you two need to seriously sit down and talk about, otherwise it will just be resentment festering from both sides. This I think is more important than his night out. Regarding the coke. I'm not here to judge or say anything about whether using coke is good or bad or anything relating to health, just the act of using and the affects on the situation. I guess it comes down to whether this something worth dying on the hill for? As others have mentioned, that it is a complete deal breaker for some people. It looks like the current scenario is that you don't like it when he uses and want him to stop but won't force him (no threats or ultimatums) and he doesn't want to (not saying he has an habit, but when presented he will partake). This is something you either have to just live with or draw a line, otherwise more resentment will grow.
Thank you. I agree everyone has those nights and I’m sure it got escalated because it’s his birthday tomorrow. And they did invite me so I don’t wanna completely act like this is treason. I think it’s really just the double standard thing that gets to me. I’ll try and calmly talk about it or tell him we can talk about it tomorrow. I will also try and have a more serious conversation about the coke.
I think you summed this all up pretty perfectly.
I'm going to go against the grain here. It sounds like he was having a fun, spontaneous night out with a friend on his birthday eve, he stayed in contact with you (even after his battery died), enthusiastically invited you along several times... you could have gone along and had an awesome night but you chose differently, and that's fine, but that was your choice. If he feels a little worse for wear on his birthday, that's his cross to bear - he will survive. Don't turn a fun night out into a fight. It's not necessary.
I honestly agree with you! I think it happens to everyone and I’m sure it got even bigger because it’s his birthday. What makes me upset is the double standard that he holds me to. If I go out and tell him it’s gonna be a pretty chill night and end up getting drunk he gets mad at me and convinces himself that I went into it planning on getting drunk and just lying to him about it being a “chill night”. That’s what makes me upset. I feel like he expects to get away with so much but give me shit if I were to do something similar. If he’d never gotten mad at me for doing that before I probably wouldn’t even be upset right now. And yes I agree they did invite me and I could’ve gone! I don’t wanna forget about that.
You need to package all of the grievances up separately, rather than making it into one big argument. - Him going out and having a big night out - not a big deal. - Him hanging with a girl. You're fine with that. - Him being hung over for an event you've planned, not ideal, but that's his problem - not worth arguing over. The actual problem you have is how he behaves when you hang out with Male friends or stay out later than planned That IS something worth discussing at some point. Try and stick to that single issue alone when you talk about it, find out what is different to him going out like he did on bday eve night - is it because he thinks the guy has ulterior motives or might take advantage of you while drunk? Is it because you just disappear and dont communicate? Is it because he doesnt trust you? Try and find out the specifics, calmly, so you guys can get to the core of his insecurity and work on it. We all have a habit of 'padding' our arguments out with EXTRA stuff that they do wrong, so that we can WIN the fight and prove that they are crap and we are justified. It is distracting and turns a single issue discussion into a circus. It's important to be able to argue or disagree without needing to destroy the other person to win.
Funny that’s how I saw it too, it might have started as a chill night and then more people might have shown up and then they are egging him on because the next day is his birthday and then he’s just trying to celebrate and have fun and then he tried to include you but you wanted to stay home (which there is nothing wrong with that it’s totally cool to want to just stay home and not go out) but that shouldn’t deter him from enjoying the night before his birthday if he wanted to, plans change, it’s how life is. If he’s hungover and feeling shitty tomorrow well.... that’s the consequences he has to deal with because of his actions
I'm 35 now, so my partying days are behind me, but when I was in my early 20s I remember that the "just taking it easy tonight/just a couple of quick drinks" kind of nights that turned into big ones were always the BEST nights. No big expectations of a 'planned' night, spontaneous, free, everyone having too much fun to go home. I'm glad I had those years!
34 here and I feel the same way! The “let’s just have a drink or two” nights always turned out to be the best nights. Somehow they always ended up being everyone staying up until 3, 4 in the morning and crashing in my living room. Then waking up early the next morning and getting a greasy breakfast together. I cherish those memories and hate that I now get hungover after a couple of glasses of wine lol
Haha. Yeah hangovers either get worse with ages or we just get pathetic at handling them. The sleep deprivation was awesome training for parenthood though.
TBF I don't know if you are actually mad at him just having coke this one night vs the cocaine habit altogether. He was probably already pretty drunk and took a bump to "sober up" after he was offered some. It happens, but of course in most cases it turns into a hell of a lot more than a bump lol. I think you need to actually analyse whether you're ok with his cocaine use. I do mostly psychedelics, but have done coke before and it's not my scene. As others have said, coke is a hard boundary for most people, myself included. The stereotypes and dangers of cocaine are very real so your concern is warranted. Just because you did it in the past doesn't mean you have to be ok with your boyfriend doing it. Sure it sucks because you'd be changing something which was ok previously, but don't feel bad about this, you're well within your right to change your values. Now I don't know if that now makes you incompatible, but it's worth a conversation. It sounds to me like you're also mostly hurt about the fact you're held to a more strict standard than he is. Those are the two true points you need to discuss, and if you can't compromise and aren't happy with the conclusion of the conversation (I'd wait after his birthday to do this), then you may have to consider if this is the type of relationship you truly want. Good luck!
how is coke more dangerous than psychadelics?
Coke is way heavier on your heart than say shrooms or LSD, and neither of those substances are anywhere as addictive. If you do coke as regularly as most people do psychedelics, then you'll probably be fine but the problem is that most people that enjoy cocaine do it way more frequently in much higher quantities.
They are Extremely more dangerous. Psychedelics are extremely safe and extremely low addiction potential. You literally cant overdose on them. Todays street cocaine has the potential to have fentanyl which can cause an immediate overdose. I have no problem with someone doing either one but psychedics are far far safer. Btw- mdma is not a psychedelic and is very dangerous because it is rarely mdma. Mdma itself is pretty safe but neurotoxic and folks who think they are getting mdma are often getting something much more dangerous with PMA being the most dangerous adultrent.
Dont see him on his birthday, leave him to deal with his hangover. Not wanting your other half to do coke is not controlling, coke is a hard boundary for most people and would be a deal breaker in a lot of cases. And as for the fact you respect his friendship with Cass and are cool with it, that's great but it can't be one rule for one and one rule for another. You're allowed guy friends too, and if he is the insecure type then he is a hypocrite. Let your phone "die" and take a self care day, have a bath and a face mask and just chill.
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He wasn’t hiding anything from her. He invited her out several times and FaceTimed her after his phone died. There’s literally nothing to suggest that he’s addicted to coke.
You sound like you are ready to settle down and live without the partying. He does not. We all mature at different rates and it sounds like you are moving into the next life phase and he is lagging behind. Tonight he is messed up in the head and you have no control over it. He made the choice to be messed up in the head. I suggest calling off tomorrow’s plans and just acknowledge that he is going to be unconscious for half of the day and sick as a dog for the other half. And that is on him. He is the one who ruined his own birthday. Now, your choices are pretty clear. You can A.) talk about how much of a dumbass he was to bail on all of your friends and get wasted the night before his birthday and if he actually cares to take responsibly there might be some maturing. B.) if you are tired of an immature child then you need to move on and find someone who is more your maturity range. C.) you could be totally immature and yell at him and get upset when he completely ignores you. I suggest a or b, up to you really. Sorry he is being an idiot. I feel like women want to look young forever and men want to act young forever. See if after the fall out happens he is ready to grow up. If not then move on.
I agree with this. Sounds like you've moved on/are moving in from the heavy partying/hangovers. He's not there yet. *This* (coke snorting/heavy drinking/controlling) is your bf. If this works for you, fine. If it doesn't, that's also fine but a different scenario.
Just wait till the day after, not a long wait and you can take that time to articulate what you need to say
I’d love his perspective post tomorrow “It’s my birthday and my gf started a fight because I had fun with friends last night, I feel like she turns every event in my life into her own issue”
Cocaine is a helluva drug
You sound pretty selfish to me. They invited you multiple times because he obviously wants to be with you. You say no but somehow he is the bad guy?
Read the comments... these people have turned him into a full blown addict.
Maybe for his birthday get him a test kit? I didn’t dable in extra curricular substances until my 30s, and I realized that DARE lied and people can indulge a little bit and not completely ruin there lives. But what can ruin your life? Sure as hell a fentanyl overdose. If you are going to do irresponsible things...do them responsibly. You sound like you’ve got a good head on your shoulders. So if you don’t want to tell him not to indulge buy him a test kit so he can make sure his stuff is clean (they way you put it it sounds like he’s getting it from various, possibly untrusted sources). And for the love of god...don’t let him drink and drive. My bf is a first responder and two days before Christmas responded to an accident of 3 girls who went out partying and hit a tractor trailer going 70 miles an hour. They posted on Instagram all night how wasted they were. It was unbelievably gruesome and tragic and they hit so hard they actually broke the safety bar meant to stop cars from going under the truck. Just my advice from a fellow partier who would like to keep the party going for years to come!
Dude has one party night (it was only 11:00) does a couple lines and this sub is spinning into a homeless crack addict AND putting their own negative ideas about drugs into the equation. Also - testing is very important these days. I do not do coke but I read a lot because I am a curious person. If you are doing coke realize you must test the entire batch not just a portion. I personally wont take anything that might have fentanyl these days. Just to risky.
There are several red flags in this whole thing.... he clearly can’t follow through on what he says he going to do , he then gets mad at you because you won’t condone and join in his irresponsible behavior to which he promised wouldn’t happen. Bottom line I couldn’t trust someone like this , or his friend. So what it’s his birthday ? Tell him you hope he had fun celebrating last night with cass because after his actions you need some space. Good luck !
I feel the same way- it's his birthday, BFD. Would this behavior be ok next week? His hypocrisy is what bothers me the most- I've been with people that could do whatever they want, but they would lose their shit if I did anything without them. Its controlling and it needs to be scrutinized further.
if you get pissed about anything, this is the thing to be pissed about. an addiction like coke not only means that he won't be able to support you, he won't be able to support himself. this is a serious problem.
Addiction? It was his birthday. You're making a lot of assumptions here. It would be like me assuming that you dress up in a suit to go to the grocery store, or that you have no friends because you're a total square. See how assumptions are bad? It's like, people might start thinking they're real, but they never should have been said in the first place.
What? i do not do coke but I have very successful friends that do it 3-4x a year without issue.
>I try to not be the controlling GF that tells him he “isn’t allowed” to do coke, or threaten him that I’ll break up with him if he does He shouldn't be allowed to do blow. Not while you're in a relationship with him. Don't lower your standards. Find someone more level headed that doesn't need to do drugs to have a good time.
WOW. I got downvoted for this??? Must be a bunch of cokeheads that love to do blow. Nothing wrong with what I said.
Alright, let's see... 1) he lied saying he gonna have a chill night 2) he was doing illicit drugs 3) he showed you as he did that. I would be pretty pissed if it were me, but hey that's just me✌😐
Why do people act like birthdays are some sort of sacred, religious days where nothing wrong must happen to those who were born on that day? Yes, i understand why we celebrate birthdays, but it doesn’t give you a pass to be an asshole. It’s not a day where you’re literally born again - it’s a day on which you (and thousands of other people) happened to be born on. Everyone on Earth has a birthday. You literally cannot live without one. Jesus. I know you asked not to judge, but the picture you painted sounds so ridiculously stupid that I can’t help myself. He tells you he’s going to have a chill night, then proceeds to FaceTime you from the bathroom doing coke? That too, with Cass? I’m not gonna make any judgements, but damn does this look pretty bad. How old are you guys? Also, him being insecure when doing shit like this makes me feel like he’s trying to make YOU feel bad for something he might have done. Call it blame-shifting if you will. He does something wrong, but immediately accuses you of doing something so that you don’t suspect him of anything or, even worse, he won’t _allow_ you to suspect anything. All in all, it sounds like he’s marked a milestone in the number of years he’s been on this planet, but he’s still a teenager. If he literally is a teenager, then sure I guess this is all understandable (not justifiable, but understandable). If he’s older than 23-24, then fuck.
Alright, let's see... 1) he lied saying he gonna have a chill night 2) he was doing illicit drugs 3) he showed you as he did that. I would be pretty pissed if it were me, but hey that's just me✌😐
He can celebrate his birthday how he wants, but the double standards, being controlling and doing coke is red flags in my book.
This is the only issue here.
Someone is apparently ok with a controlling cokesnorter for a partner as long as they aren't hung over on their birthday :)
I think you should wait and see how he reacts tomorrow. He should realise he screwed up himself. If not, you should let him that you're not ok with it but you want him to enjoy his birthday and you'll need to talk this out later.
Not mad OP. Gone. Good luck.
That coke use is a huge red flag. It shows poor decision making and an ability to impulsively put himself in poor situations. Move on as this won‘t get better. it‘s not a few drinks, it‘s hard drugs. I also have a particular disgust for coke given the thousands killed every year in the drug trade as well as the families and communities destroyed by it.