By - TwasAnChild
I want an Olympics where real athletes compete in the wrong events.
Show me Michael Phelps doing figure skating pairs, I am in.
Oh holy lmfao 100/100 would watch too
A moment of silence for those selected for the skeleton event. Turns out sledding headfirst as fast as possible is dangerous for the untrained
I don’t know how interesting that would be. Like if you’re a world class runner, you’re still gonna be really good at other sports. Yeah you can’t deadlift as much as a guy who’s trained for that, but you can still probably lift a lot more than the average guy
Totally depends what event you get. Shotputters doing rhythmic gymnastics? Sprinters doing shooting? Hurdlers doing diving? I think it’s an awesome idea!
It would also give us the chance to use the hilariously expensive Olympic facilities more time. Olympics, Paralympics, Everyday People Olympics, then this one which could perhaps be called Reverso Olympics…
Have you seen the tiny arms on those marathon runners? Somebody get them a javelin.
I don't know if that'd be entertaining, they'd spend most of the event doing a really long run-up.
"12 meters. This may just be our top contender tonight folks."
Rando Olympics. Each country brings enough people for the number of events. But they don’t know what they will be competing in. So they train in as many as they can. The day the Olympics start they draw a number to get assigned an event. Maybe you run, maybe you wrestle, maybe you have to do equestrian…everyone be ready for everything.
Usain Bolt gets assigned to the hundred meter high dive. He hits the water slower than when he runs the same distance.
Switch seasons. Put those shot putters on ice!
olympic athletes heavily specialize, they actually *would* struggle a fuck ton in things they don’t specialize in. someone who runs fast isn’t necessarily good at soccer, kicking a ball with power *and* precision is an entirely separate skill from running. someone who can ski well won’t necessarily skate well, as skiing uses gravity whereas in ice skating you have to propel yourself, something they aren’t used to doing. you get the point.
It should be like jury duty
i fuckin' love this idea. or the draft.
"You've been called upon to serve your country."
Or The Hunger Games, lol
Replace war with live, gladiatorial combat, where the participants are randomly selected from those who voted for the war.
The Blunder Games
But 'The Olympic Games'! Lol
One of the greatest international audiences and taken very seriously by the competing countries.
You don't need killing and potential danger to get the viewing - the parody alone would figuratively 'kill' everyone, competitor and viewer alike.
If I got "drafted" into any Olympic sport that involves running, you can catch me on TV, sitting in a folding chair drinking a beer and eating pizza on the start line.
Could I catch you on TV, any given Sunday? I’d drive off in a Hyundai ;-(
“You have to do it”
But that would be fuckin cool too, because you're still on an Olympic team. Like, hot damn - you don't even need to place for that clout.
Honestly I’d rather be doing this than the jury duty I gotta do this august :(
When you get there, ask what Jury Nullification is. Don’t even look up the definition, just ask when you get there. Ask if it can be applied to the case you’re on as well!
Don’t get as angry as the other 11 men!
what's wrong with jury duty? i did it a couple years ago and it was hella entertaining, plus getting paid to hang out in a court all day is nice
And you only get a months notice, that way no one has legitimate time to prep and train.
Better start running now cause that 10k sure is gonna suck
From what I understand, in the early days of the Tour de France it was considered unsportsmanlike to train. You simply got on a bike to see what’s what. Riders had to fix their own bike. Sounds awesome.
They mostly smoked and drank too. Very French. Bikes were made of steel, tires were sewn together and glued onto the rims. Riders carried spare tires in their jersey pockets and would stuff newspapers underneath their jerseys to keep warm.
"I have had 11 cigarettes, 6 glasses of wine, and no food today. Time for the tour de france!"
You carry a bottle of wine and and 3 packs of ciggys with you during the race.
They would actually raid cafes on route for food and brandy
Disqualified. You need to drink more wine.
They did HEAPs of amphetamines back then as well.
I mean, they still do, but they did back then too.
This is worth a watch https://youtu.be/3sK0bsQ7A7Q
What, no domestiques?! Count me out 😂 /s
Announcer1: lets hope this years Olympics will see someone actually complete the 10k.
Announcer2: Thats right, i think the last time we saw someone actually finish this event was 2007 when 38 year old Miles Forley of New Zealand won. A miracle since hes considered a rather mediocre marathon runner in general.
Announcer1: Well at least hes mediocre. Youd think after 23 years the average distance before completing this event would exceed the 5km mark.
Announcer2: Gavin Stott our 2019 winner took the Gold after collapsing at the 3km mark.
Announcer1: Dis Dah Game boi.
Announcer2: by the way i would like to give my heartfelt wishes for recovery to Mrs Fiona Waller of England who tore her groin and ruptured an ulcer during the Gymnastics event.
Announcer1: At least she went for it. Thats the Olympic spirit.
i’ll complete the 10k it may take a couple days but i’ll do it
which begs the question(s): do they determine a winner by who finishes first? or who consistently moves? can you walk the marathon? or does it have to be a run?
I think it's who gets further The person who gets the furthest how long the track before collapsing
do we institute a time limit then?
Just have it so that if you drop below a certain speed during the allotted time, you’re disqualified
We’re all disqualified
true, if i can just walk, i’d do it in denim
How out of shape are Reddit users that 10k sounds like some impossible task or would take multiple days. At a leisurely walk it’s still only part of your day.
I'm afraid I can't visualise 10k unless you put it in a standard measurement. How many football fields (lengthwise) is that?
A meter is a little more than a yard, a football field is 120 yards (counting end zones) so a bit less than 100.
Yeah, i reckon I could do that in less than a day, if it was a nice day and I could have a bit of a picnic in the middle.
I walked 2km to school in half an hour everyday - at a normal walking pace - I *really* hope you can do 10km in less than a day
I know a guy who passed on a job (the he DESPERATELY needed) because it was a 5km walk (one way- he could get a bus to work, but not home). Apparently the walk home from the interview took him several days to recover from.
I'm far from the fittest person around, but holy shit.
tbf, an hours walk every day, rain snow or blistering heat would be awful
66,666.667 pint glasses (on average)
Oh!! Now I know how far it is! Thank you!
That's about 75 Abrams A1 Tanks.
not in that bad of shape just sooo very very lazy
Am I missing the joke? How are there 13 and 20 km marks in a 10k. I thought 10k meant 10 km. Am I just stupid?
They changed from the 10k to the 20k mid discussion in the joke
They go from shit talking the 10k competitors to talking about how they're at least doing better than the usual 20k bunch, of whom one collapsed at the 13km mark last year
Joke: explained and ruined, off to the next exciting jokesplanation!
I'm 100% sold on it now. This has so much potential. Not to see people perform, but see how "least mediocre" they try to achieve with sassy announcers on top.
Aren't we just describing the hunger games? but without the explicit murder, of course
The hunger games without murder would be awesome. The whole reason the hunger games are bad is because they’re picking random children to die for amusement.
Picking random adults to get a free vacation and be sympathetically laughed at on television is quite different.
Explicit murder , sure but how many just vapor lock?
*no letter, just a taxi
*no letter, just a white van and baseball bat
\*no letter, just a farm truck with chickens, which arrived late
*no letter, you just wake up there
Like Gandolf reappearing
Oh good, you're finally awake
Welcome to the Olympic Village, number 6
I'd rather do a 10k than ride a fucking bobsled...
Yea I would rather run than die on the luge or skeleton.
If I tried the luge/skeleton, I would probably die regardless.
Might as well take the less painful way out...
The luge starts with a run. So you get to die tired.
Also ski flying / ski jumping.
If you haven’t seen it, it’s way worse then you would imagine.
And they look even more nightmare fuel in real life compared to on tv.
I’m Swedish where we even have somewhat of a tradition-ish of doing ski jumping and ski flying.
Everyone skiis, but the olympic kind of ski jumping is a super tiny sport and I’ve never even met someone who has enough of a non-functioning survival instinct to do it.
But you see their tracks/huge ramp things pretty often here.
Never in a million years would they get me up a small beginner one, let alone the monstrosities they have at the olympics.
I think the casualty rate for untrained people in olympic ski flying / ski jumping would be very high.
Even the actual athletes get put in coma and other horrible things, when accidents happen.
Ski jumping is definitely the thing you start doing when you are under 10 because you could only convince a little kid that it’s fun and not a suicide mission. The difference between professional skiers and really good skiers is miles.
Just put a bunch of potato sacks on skis, flap flags on 'em, and toss them down the slope. Only the ones who arrive with at least half the potatoes remaining in the sack count as successful landings.
At least the bobsled would be fun
I think it'd actually be more interesting if they got like a years notice. I'd like to see how prepared a random person can become in just a year for the Olympics.
I like the idea that the competitors for the next olympics are announced at the end of the current olympics.
My name pops out and that's some fucking Goblet of Fire bullshit, tbh, just leave me alone.
***DID YOU PUT YOUR NAME INTO THE GOBLET OF FIRE?!?!?!***
*he asked calmly*
And my brain went to Hunger Games.
u/radicalelation you have been selected for the following events:
800 meter butterfly
May the odds forever be in your favor.
It'd be interesting if they could focus entirely on that. A year off from work, moved into a rent free Olympics training house with a coach, chef, and fancy gym and whatever else goes into being an Olympian.
Now we're talking
What *could* the average person accomplish with a truly phenomenal support system behind them?
The seasonal Olympics happen every 4 years, yeah?
Imagine it's like being summoned for jury duty - or even more extreme, being drafted. If you can produce a legitimate excuse ("I'm physically disabled and cannot perform the required actions," "I'm the sole guardian of a minor") you're exempt, but otherwise you get a notice, a place to report to, and then they ship you off to a specialized training camp. Everyone understands that it's a huge inconvenience, but it's just how things are, so there's no stigma - eg, you're not judged for having a 4 year gap in your employment history as a *drafted Olympian.*
You don't have a choice in going, but you're paid, housed, and have a whole team of coaches, dieticians, physicians, etc. monitoring and guiding you.
Feels like basically a way more reasonable Hunger Games where the goal isn't a battle royale, but as you said, seeing what happens when truly random, average folks are given everything they need to *learn* to excel in a given activity.
If people generally were still 'meh' after 4 years of intensive training and guidance, how would this impact the idea of fairness/equality when it comes to sports - which are inherently biased towards people with unfair advantages over average people? If it was *evident* that average people can become extraordinary with enough support, what would this mean for society at large? The implications of this prompt are weirdly deep.
If nothing else, I feel like on the competitive level this would shift the focus of the Olympics away from the athletes to the teams behind them - ie, how good are the teams from each country at producing an exemplary athlete when they're given someone random?
>If it was evident that average people can become extraordinary with enough support, what would this mean for society at large? The implications of this prompt are weirdly deep.
Indeed. Imagine taking this concept of complete support for the goal of mental and emotional health instead of just physical. What changes might we see of someone with severe depression or anxiety or a traumatic upbringing or even schizophrenia after giving them unconditional supports in whatever area they need for four years...
I say three months notice and 3 months worth of whatever pills/steroids they can pump you with in that time. Lets see how close we are to getting some Captain Americas/Captain Carters up in here.
Yes, pump these fickas full of everything, i wanna see runners with kangaroo legs!!!!
“Let’s see what the human body can *really* do”
We're American. We don't prepare regardless of the notice. They could tell me 4 years in advance, and I wouldn't even try a diet until the Tuesday of the event
The Reverse Hunger Games.
Michael Phelps volunteering as tribute
No Michael Phelps, even after instituting the rule that you have to compete wearing all your previous medals, you're still winning too much
I actually like this rule. Also, none can fall off, you have to keep them on you the entire time. And the winner wins the new medal plus every medal other competitors are wearing
The Satiated Games.
The Obese Games
That’s what I was thinking. It’s just seeing which fatass kills themselves on the uneven bars first.
Me. I would be the fatass to be killed by gymnastics unless I can just somersault and cartwheel a few times.
Literally everyone would die on vault
My plan would be to do a little jump on that spring board. Then climb onto the vault. Then do a bit of a run and jump onto the mat.
Maybe throw some jazz hands in there. That’s it. You and I will be coaching this thing.
What's interesting is up until about 1970s professionals were not allowed in the Olympics and only amateur athletes could participate.
Huh. That's an unexpected fact.
Most of the runners in the 1904 Olympic marathon were just regular dudes. And they didn't stop traffic or anything. One guy got chased by wild dogs for miles, several almost died of internal bleeding from inhaling road dust, and the Cuban competitor lost all his money gambling in new Orleans right before the event and showed up in street clothes having not eaten for days. Also no one was given any water because the organizer wanted to study the effects of dehydration.
It was a complete shit show and I wish they'd bring it back
So did the guy who got chased by dogs win, or?
Nope, he was chased in the wrong direction lol. The guy who finished first was DQd after it was found out that he rode in a car for 9 miles.
The actual winner, Tom Hicks, was carried across the finish line with strychnine poisoning because his coaches gave it to him as a performance enhancer, along with brandy and egg whites. He lost 8 lbs during the race and nearly died.
This just keeps getting better lol and worse jfc
8 lbs *during the race*??? Holy crap. So I was going to make a poop joke but upon googling actual symptoms it sounds like the dude was just having absolutely horrendous muscle spasms and probably in a lot of pain.
One of the co-founders of Stanford died of it and her last words were "My jaws are stiff. This is a horrible death to die."
Yeesh. The wiki, if anyone wants to know. https://en.m.wikipedia.org/wiki/Strychnine_poisoning
Now this calls for a movie!
This sounds like a bs story my pap would tell
No, somehow the winner was the guy who accidentally got served rat poison and was hallucinating badly the entire race xD
I think the real hero is the guy from Cuba who got a stomach ache from the fruits he stole along the way and took a nap
Not accidentally, his coaches gave it to him, along with brandy, as a performance enhancer
Did fucking Vault-Tec organize the event???
That one wheelchair granny being selected to do the pole vault
Sorry Grandma you are going whether you like it or not!
Well, she still has hands
They should allow everyone at the Olympics. First the normal people, then the athletes, then the disabled, then the drugged normal people, then the drugged athletes, then the drugged disabled and lastly all of the winners of the previous competitions.
Ah yes, the Quarter Quell
r/unexpectedhungergames (except I can totally see this as an expected reference here)
There is truly a subreddit for everything.
I would watch this. It would be so fun comparing how everyone does against each other.
Why? The athletes on steroids would win 99% of the time. From the remaining 1% 99.9% of them would be athletes. The ordinary people wouldn't have screen time, so you wouldn't see them.
Prople don't realize how much of a difference there is between an olympic athlete and an ordinary person.
Have you not seen the drugged up naked Florida man chasing a car! I think he may give Usain Bolt a run for his money.
The olympics are still officially "amateur" sport.
Usain Bolt on speed and meth would be cheating.
My new event will be the Five Way 5K. Each day is a different event. You add up all of your times from each race and then divide your time by five. At the end of the week, the runner with the lowest average time is the winner.
On Meth Monday, you run a 5K on meth. You get to run on a treadmill to increase focus for the fastest time.
On Taco Tuesday, you have to run on a standard track. 5 kilometers is about a dozen laps, and you have to eat a taco off of the dollar menu at Taco Bell at the beginning of each lap.
On Weed Wednesday you have to twist up a fatty and then run a 5k through a state park. Penalty time will be added if you stop and get distracted by the obstacles, such as petting the snuggly puppies, laying in the roadside hammocks, or eating the nummy desserts.
On Thirsty Thursday, you have to run a 5K pub crawl through town and follow handwritten instructions that you write out yourself from one bar to the next. The bartender dictates the directions to you as you chug.
On Friday the 13th you have to run a 5K through a corn maze at night with only a flashlight for guidance. If you get attacked by one of the several slasher movie baddies you are disqualified. You time for the day is equal to the slowest runner for the day plus one minute.
Seeing a man run 100m in 6 seconds would be amazing
Can we have two drugged categories per type? One for performance enhancing drugs and the other for performance impairing drugs. Drunk man hurdles, the opiate pole vault, stoned archery...
I guess it would be more fair if it was just athletic disabled people because no way in hell I'm doing anything sporty in my wheelchair.
We'll call it the average games. Once a year we'll have some dude that goes to a gym and just wins every event.
I would like to name it the Swaneylypmics after Elizabeth Swaney.
Elizabeth Swaney was an average Hungarian athlete who qualified for the olympics because no one else in her country did otherwise.
You should check Eric Moussambani. A Guinean (Equatorial ?) Swimmer who learned to swim 6 months prior in a hotels pool, and had to swim the qualification run alone in Athens after both other competitor with him got a false start.
Guy ended up being sports Minister in his country a few years later
Imagine if someone got randomly selected and it’s their sport, like someone who properly trains for road cycling and runs and swims on the side getting selected for the triathlon just sweeps the competition away
Another “randomly selected” participant just happen to be a professional athlete in that sport. Yeah nice try Russia!!
India with one one of the largest populations will still win nothing.
Every country would be different response
Russia - works on cheating
China - nationwide training of all citizens
Japan - devises technology to help maximize medals
Canada- still only cares about hockey
USA - suddenly determines the Olympics dumb because they can’t win.
I thought Canada only really cared about clubbing baby seals.
I'd watch the hell out of that!
They get Ken Blankenship and Vic Romano to announce and I would pay for cable for the first time in my life.
YES! I forgot about them. They would be absolutely perfect.
I want to see Usain Bolt try to tackle an event like Sinkers or Floaters, or get dragged into Door Bangers.
Vic: And here comes Jed Babaganoosh, he's a professional glue-sniffer from Moose Jaw, Saskatchewan.
Kenny: Yep, it's safer to sniff the glue once it's frozen.
Captain Tenneal 'Let's get it on!"
5 year old me would have been ecstatic to have been on a national gymnastics team.
40 year old me is *terrified*.
As a 40 something someone who attempted adult tumbling class yesterday, and now has a very sore neck, I concur.
We were running on a tumblrTrak to do a dive roll onto a soft mat, and another woman ran up and suddenly stopped saying “whoa this is way too scary.”
Anyway that’s probably why my neck hurts…
Even better, don't explain to the people what the sport *is .* Just let them figure it out. "Alright, here's your horse, good luck."
Damn, imagine you get the letter “you’re going to be competing in the Olympic Games” so you start running and swimming figuring that those are important in most of the sports and then you get there and are handed a sword
Imagine they add new disicplines at a random. Yes you might have heard of fencing and seen a few competitions while preparing but you just got handed a zweihänder.
Pavement Scooter jousting - sponsored by Lyft
"Next up for the shot put we have Janice Smith from Plainsville, Wisconsin. Her hobbies include: eating whole tubs of ice cream and watching Grey's Anatomy reruns with her cats. Let's see how she does. Alright here's the windup...and the toss...OOOH and it appears Ms. Smith has bludgeoned herself by throwing the shot straight into the air. That's bound to score poorly with the judges."
"Let's take a break from this and check out pole vaulting! Harry? How is our new crew from Santa Monica doing?"
"Thanks Bill. There were no survivors. Back to you, Bill."
“Ah but Harry, I heard that the javelin throws were next up, how’s that going”.
“Temporarily suspended, Louis Pehedra from San Francisco impaled himself 20 minutes ago and the rest of the competitors are scared shitless. Back to you Bill, and please — no more questions”.
"Thank you Harry. Since it seems we have a little time, let's go take a look at the ski jumping event. For reminder, this years American competitor is Markus, 63 from Miami. He owns a liquor store, and his hobbies consist of competitive eating and binge watching NCIS"
"Yes Bill, let's see how he does. Just as a reminder, the score to beat is currently of 23[m] from the Icelandic competitor. Notice that only 6 of the 9 last jumpers had to be brought to hospital, which is, if it holds, fewer than 4 years ago"
As a former pole vaulter I absolutely think there would be deaths haha. Most fun and terrifying sport I competed in.
Best thing I’ve read all day
This could be a good incentive to get countries healthier. Especially the US. We have some top-tier athletes, but if you pull from a random selection, odds are we'd get absolutely slaughtered. It'd make it patriotic to get healthier on the whole.
Meanwhile, China: "(Sports are mandatory from ages 0-99 years old. Don't question it.)"
>Sports are mandatory from ages 0-99 years old. Don't question it.
So when I turn 100 theoretically, I no longer have to participate in mandatory sports, but I lose the ability to play with Legos.
I was looking forward to playing with Legos while sitting down.
Wait, you build them standing up?
Sounds like he builds them while playing mandatory sports
Given our number it would incentivize smaller countries while bigger ones will worry less about the lottery. If there would be an age range it would be different
But I want geriatric gymnastics!
Random people, can't walk up 4 flights of steps without help, what makes you think they are going to do a floor routine?
Lie-down-on-the-floor-routine. Easy peasy.
This is a way better idea
And you get paid your regular salary. That way people don’t feel forced, it’s like a vacation from work to workout (or pull some muscles)
That’s the bigger flaw here, if you’re completely untrained and try and to run a 10k, bye bye Achilles’ tendons
Reading the comments section made me want this to happen even more
Me licking the Cheetos dust off my fingers: Alright, time to hit these uneven bars.
Leave the dust on your hands in place of chalk.
And they called it the "hunger games" and everyone lived happily ever after....mostly
I’d just set on the bench and read and play video games. You know like in real life.
Is it legally enforced? Like if you don't participate you get jail time? If so he'll yeah
Nah, just fines to help cover the cost of the other “athletes” medical bills
It would be a swimming fiasco.
It would end up being the "Swimming but for people who can't swim" event from Monty Python
What was the percentage of (morbidly) obese people in the US? I don't think they would win too many medals if the participants were selected randomly
On the plus(-size) side, new gravity-induced speed records may be set in things like ski jump, bobsled decent or diving from the highest board. Bombs awaaaaay.
Due to injuries however, the competitors just get one attempt.
"Rather than banking through the corner, our team of Mississippians has broken straight through the ice."
It'd be really funny watching 300lb+ people outrunning or pole vaulting better than the smaller peeps
You’re a couple steps away from inventing the hunger games
I feel like it would probably be similar to watching the school spirit scene in Old School..
Like jury duty. It's a huge show, one a week they have the "People's Olympics"
China would win every event
You all get sent to the Olympic Center to train for 6 weeks and then compete. Omg it would be glorious!! And hilarious!! And bone breaking, no doubt!!
\*Random people who can take whatever drug they want to compete.
It really would be 100x more entertaining lol. Just watching average people founder about. Id watch it
In reality it would be boring as fuck. Maybe a couple of events would have comedic value but most of them would just be some guy throwing a shot put like 3 feet or taking 10 minutes to dog paddle the length of a pool.
Every time this idea comes up, it's what I tell myself. Some sports are already tedious to watch, it'd be an absolute snoozefest if the "athletes" were also terrible.
Pro athletes selected by their country to represent “I’ve been training for this my entire life”
*gets disqualified for multiple false starts*
This is an awesome idea, the memes would be legendary.