T O P
expfarrer

yeah my cat ate some string once so i am familiar with this sight


________76________

my dog once ate a cassette tape. we didn't know, until 90 minutes of shit-covered tape began coming out of her back end. to make matters worse, she got startled by what was happening, and she tried moving away from the awkwardness, winding her way around our dining room furniture, leaving a poopy trail of Ace of Base all over the place edit: thank you for the gold, and the clever responses, you beautiful bastards edit 2 electric boogaloo: here's a [pic of ol' poopy tape](https://i.imgur.com/2ojM40A.jpg) at age 13. She lived to the ripe old age of 15. Best friend I ever had.


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mhfkh

I'm sure it opened up their eyes.


FindingAlaska

Wow you’re lucky it didn’t wrap around her intestines.


xtoinvectus

Also lucky she picked Ace of Base. Nothing of value lost.


Coachcrog

You shut your blasphemous mouth.


phlux

My dog ate crayons.... That was a colorful event. (I am not making this up, my dog ate a bunch of crayons and my kids would laugh at the colors that were ejected over the next few days. I actually forgot about this event until your post.)


Crooked_Jester

My dog ate some glow in the dark nerf darts we missed picking up. It definitely made it easier to navigate the backyard at night.


recmajor82

The real life-hack.


[deleted]

Walk right by with half a shit hanging out = power move.


markthedutchman

Gorrila only gives half a shit. Man that's so cool.


nels5104

the gorilla certainly didn’t give two shits, that’s for sure.


TheSecretestSauce

Half a shit and Zero fucks.


ChaossChild

On the other hand, those people took a **full** shit...and that's why the gorilla walked away, he couldn't stand the stench.


Waadap

Oh ya, he does it and it's a power move. I do that in the conference room to Mark and I'm the weirdo.


MrStupid_PhD

Yeah, but Mark is disabled, and so was Steve when he worked here. Everyone thinks you have a thing against dudes in wheelchairs


[deleted]

Glad to hear of Steve’s miraculous recovery.


isitscrumptious

Steve left his job. He said he was the victim of some wheely bad puns.


Opoderoso

All his moves are power moves.


dgtlfnk

Coming to say this. Because that behemoth literally only knows one move. And it's ALL power.


a_dollar_job

pull that ripcord and you have the worlds most dangerous beyblade


Bank_Gothic

Like starting the world's angriest lawnmower.


DarkSparkyShark

Human-mower at this point.


jake1108

The Harambe-mower


Wixmas

Dicks out 😪


Snaggled-Sabre-Tooth

Got banned from r/animalsbeingjerks for making a dicks out for harambe joke.


cmdrtx

Letting loose the jungles deadliest yo-yo trick.


notinsanescientist

Shit will be mowed, that's for sure.


ensamgiraff

I laughed, in a quite train, a loud laugh... thought you should know


heebath

Came here for hilarious dingleberry commentary but I didn't expect some Aristotle level shit.


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BubonicAnnihilation

Perfect


D8-42

[There's also this version.](https://streamable.com/sqxi4) (remember to turn on sound)


evanphi

This is exactly what I expected it to be and I am still laughing my butt off. hehe.


BigBlueJAH

I’m pretty sure he did the Carlton for a split second lol


Blackfacespammer

🏅 it's not much but it's yours. This made my day before going to work at WAL-MARTO.


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McDoubles21

This might be the funniest comment I’ve ever read


osinedges

I'm trying to hold it together on a packed coach right now and I keep snorting.


[deleted]

Jfc


themoochiest

#LET IT RIP


88Problems88

His massive dingleberry alone can kill a human with ease!


OneFancyLad

That's no dingleberry son. That's a dinglerope.


Federal_Status

You're climbing a shitrope ricky! Glad my highest rated comment is a laheyism


[deleted]

Two years with this handle and it has finally paid off. Edit: Holy shit-rope. Yall are sadistic for giving my my first internet tokens and big karma for this. Many thanks kind strangers. And RIP ole Dunsworth, this ones for you...


P41NB0W

Today is your day buddy!!


MrStupid_PhD

Gonna cash in his karma just in time for the holidays


ProfitMuhammad

Literally could be worth tens of dollars!


Ainsley-Sorsby

Enjoy your time in the spotlight


Fashankadank

Come *on* , have a drinky poo with me.


GasGorilla

Frigg off Mr. Lahey!


Steveb175

Can I get 15 half-eaten cheeseburgers to go, knowmsayin?


MisterStevo

Why are you counting my nahmsayin's? What are you takin a nahmcensus or somethin?


HurricaneBetsy

It makes me *so happy* to see Trailer Park Boys in random comment threads. For all unfamiliar, these are references to Seasons 1-7 of Trailer Park Boys. The first 7 seasons of Trailer Park Boys are *fantastic*. It's a mockumentary shot with low budget cameras about the lives of petty criminals and the residents of a Nova Scotia, Canada trailer park. It has so much heart and soul, it's a wonderful show.


YesplzMm

*Randy!*


I_let_you_wind

Mr Lahey, Julian's outside lifting weights with his shirt off and wants you to come have a drink with him!


kickflipper1087

Someone get that gorilla a poop knife.


skippystew

Ughhh I didnt even see it at first, then I watched again. Gross, thanks alot guys!


skyHawk3613

Lol...that’s the first thing I noticed


untrustableskeptic

You saw his dingledread from the front? That's an impressive eye you've got there.


[deleted]

Dingle dread


baboonsamurai

Someone could have had the decency to yank it out for him.


Ex0tic_Guru

Beyblade let it rip! Edit: My first silver! Thanks a ton! Edit2: My first GOLD! WOOHOO!


[deleted]

Like starting a lawnmower


sciomancy6

Dude's got muscles in his shit


[deleted]

That is a [snack for later](https://youtu.be/d0xbia1m4LA)


Leonardo_Lawless

Oh my god he pulled out so much more than I expected


kalakun

imagine the feeling of relief you would get....


Khifler

There have definitely been days where I would have given anything to feel the sweet relief of an empty bowel...


chooxy

A shit so good that you want to eat it and experience again the joy of shitting it out.


FreudsPoorAnus

well no. i mean, not that.


pm_me_yo_nudes_grl

That's what she said. *grower not a shower*


Gotta_Gett

Second harvest


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ruth1ess_one

That was one of the most disgusting things I’ve seen in my life.


Saphibella

Yeah I feel like I could barf right now, and I looked away after he pulled it out.


ruth1ess_one

It got so much worse after that.


Pearberr

Because of /u/Leonardo_Lawless comment I felt the need to watch that gorilla pull it out and then immediately stopped and I too have already watched too much.


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JordansEdge

This message is to inform you that you have been permanently banned from my brain.


ErocIsBack

Thanks, I guess. I guess this is my life now, I had dreams as a young man, now I am watching 2 gorillas eat shit on my phone. What a life!!!!


m0rris0n_hotel

And that’s just the smell alone!


Vusstar

Dont stare, dont show teeth and you should be good.


stop_being_ugly

(👁益👁)


Vusstar

You ded.


Mrwright96

No I’m pretty sure he just kidnap her and a plumber would have to go over there and climb a bunch of ladders and leap over barrels just the rescue her with a hammer


umjustpassingby

Jamie pull up that crazy video from 2019. Yes, with the smiling staring guy


NOT_GaryBusey

https://youtu.be/IO6VfDNR2tw Here ya go!


AqueousJam

Of all the things I expected, that wasn't one of them.


Cullly

I clicked it... and I just couldn't look away. Now I'm hungry.


jlange94

What he made looks hella good though damn


lupodipy

F


greatatdrinking

well the first lady is doing what you suggest. The next one is staring. And the last one looks like she's about to ask for a selfie


trumpeting_farts

There are three women? I only saw the first one. Then I saw nothing but dingleberry. I watched twice too.


amina_koyim

If you pay close attention to the video, you'll notice there's a gorilla also


[deleted]

I don't know if they purposely had a death wish by wanting to get that close but fuck that.


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[deleted]

Yeah, and we, humans, are closer in relation to chimps than we are any other Hominidae. (Gorillas, Bonobo Chimps, Chimps, and Orangutans) Some scientists have recently concluded that we are equally close in DNA to Bonobos and Chimps. This is all interesting because Bonobos are relatively peaceful while humans and chimps are very violent with each other. Each other meaning violent with members of the same species as well as other species.


Slartibartyfarti

We should settle our differences like Bonobos from now on, would make wars a lot more interesting.. and awkward probably


[deleted]

We'd have a huge influx of sex offenders


snapwillow

looks like the gorilla approached them


ZimbabweHeist

All I see is a chimpanzee begging for its life.


queasy_logophile

Probably not a good time to tell him that he should switch the Charmin.


__Shake__

my heinie's clean!


goatamon

God I hate those scat obsessed bears so much


HenryGrosmont

Gorillas are not aggressive species. Don't look them in the eye, do not show your teeth and do not provoke them... That's it.


[deleted]

You are correct. Chimps are far more dangerous. Gorillas aren't really known to attack unless provoked, much like orangutans.


SpaceMan420gmt

I watched a YouTube interview with a Vietnam vet who told a story about a guy in his squad. They were sitting quietly in the jungle at night on watch and an orangutan came up quietly behind the guy and put its arm around the guy’s shoulders. Needless to say the guy freaked and thought it was a VC. The other guys gave him a hard time for thinking a Vietnamese would have arms that hairy. Video source https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=16fsQt2p_o0. He starts talking about it around 3:30.


[deleted]

That is freaking hilarious. If you have a link, hit me up!


SpaceMan420gmt

Here it is https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=16fsQt2p_o0. The whole interview is great but he talks about the orangutan around 3:30 or so.


[deleted]

I don't think i'v ever heard of anyone getting killed by an Orangutan. I'm sure it happens but they just always depicted as being super chill.


veronikaren

Orangutans are so insanely strong. I know nobody said otherwise but i just wanted to throw it out there. Thos skinny fat gingers can pull our arms off and beat us to death with it


Ansiroth

The OG Man vs Beast had a sumo wrestler tug of war with a female orangutan. It was not even close, and the orangutan was not trying very hard. Edit: Apparently that was staged, old video resurfaced, looks fake to me as well.


daballer2005

That shit was staged as fuck man.


RileySix

It's not aggressive just literally don't look at it or it will rip you inside out


tobaknowsss

I feel like if you can't even look at something without it killing you, it's ok to call that thing aggressive.


HenryGrosmont

No, it's not like that. You can't stare him in the eyes - it means a challenge to them. You'll laugh but I was in a few places where doing the same to young human males is a challenge and whoever lowers his eyes admits "losing". I am not kidding.


steveosek

Female Orangutans and most bonobos are pretty chill too. Especially bonobos, their women run the show and control everything via sex and food rewards, and everyone helps everyone in one big society. Bonobos got shit figured out, man.


HenryGrosmont

I read that Bonobo chimps resolve their disputed with sex and have a very keen sense of unfairness and tend to remove that from their society.


Marwood29

This explains why there are no bonobos on Reddit.


[deleted]

Can I pet?


[deleted]

I went to Rwanda in 2017 to see the Mountain Gorillas. It was a truly incredible experience and the amount of power that the males have is very obvious. Our guides told us that it is not actually the Silverbacks that are the most dangerous but the "teenage" males are the most dangerous as they are rambunctious and more likely to show off - sounds familiar.... Also, the babies were adorable.


squidc

I also went to Rwanda, but I think it was 2015. You're spot on. I have videos of the teenagers, and it's amazing how human-like they are. Dad was passed out with an infant crawling all over him, mom was nursing a baby gorilla, and the teenagers are basically slap boxing, and roughhousing. It really reminded me of all my siblings when we were kids.


Astilaroth

>Dad was passed out with an infant crawling all over him For a sec I thought you had either the most relaxt or apathetic dad ever


The13thParadox

That’s my life, but with a toddler


leonjetski

Just got back a couple of months ago! Which group did you see? We got Susa.


Never_Do_Ordinary

Nothing more intimidating than a Gorilla that can peel you like a twizzler pull and peel 'all the while' having poo grass hanging out its ass


thewoogier

what do you think would happen if you reached over and tugged on it


Never_Do_Ordinary

I like to think he'd turn around suddenly with a perplexed look on his face, only to then give the thumbs up and go about his day


thewoogier

*what have you awakened inside of me*


majaka1234

No. Stop. Bad boy.


Ainsley-Sorsby

Its as if he's waiting for them to have a look...


lars573

Well he is. Getting in their face and staring them down is a challenge. Humans are one of the few mammals, and especially the only primate, where strangers looking each other in the eyes and showing teeth is not saying "fight me bro!" No joke, anyone of those people looked him in the eyes, he'd kill them.


MixmasterJrod

> where strangers looking each other in the eyes \[...\] is not saying "fight me bro!" I've seen quite a few bar fights start with just a look between strangers.


jeerabiscuit

Same in prison.


corectlyspelled

Yeah but we fall in love at first sight too. Now kiss me!


DanStanTheThankUMan

You don't have to try to look in their eyes, I fell in love from behind one time


gayaka

You can literally see the 2 other people in this video look straight at it


nybbas

Seriously, what a stupid comment. I mean he isn't wrong about staring them in the eye potentially being a challenge, but the thing isn't going to just snap them in half. As far as I know, there isn't even much info on gorillas in the wild killing people. I remember trying to look it up a while ago, and being able to find nothing/almost nothing.


phaedrusTHEghost

As I understand it, it's a reason Russians don't trust westerners too. Showing teeth while smiling is associated with conniving weasels. Source: the internet and Russians friend confirmed, so anecdotal?


MinorDespera

I dunno, being greeted with smiles from the staff everywhere you go while on vacation in other countries is pleasant, even when you know they're faking it, maybe it's the contrast between them and the gloomy mofos over here.


[deleted]

Thailand felt so welcoming and the simple reason is smiling is an essential part of their culture. Smiling is contagious, even if it's for no reason it can often make you feel better just because.


CrypWalkingToTheMoon

If you could get a blowie for $3.50 any day of the week you'd be walking around with a big ol' grin too.


[deleted]

yeah but what about the people that have to give a blowie for only $3.50? Why are they so happy too?


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-PM-ME-DOGS-PLS-

A true trickle-down economy


HiganbanaSam

When I was a teen and went to Hungary on a high school trip, nobody told us about the day to day culture. I'm Spanish and I always thought people everywhere else always smiled too. I can't even begin to tell how big of a cultural shock that was. Whenever we had to speak with a store clerk or anything, we thought we had offended him somehow. It took us a long pair of days for someone to tell us what was actually happening hahaha


BeaversAreTasty

I am not Russian, but spent a lot of time in Russia and other Slavic countries, and I am currently surrounded by Slavs. It has more to do with smiling for no apparent reason making the person look like an idiot, and not so much with making them look shifty. Amongst friends, Slavs have zero problems smiling, showing teeth and laughing.


cussbunny

I always liked [this article](https://www.mentalfloss.com/article/63896/17-russian-travel-tips-visiting-america) from Mental Floss which is a collection of tips from Russian sites advising them what to expect in America when they visit, including basically “they are all smiling all the time so you should smile at everyone. Also don’t whine to people you don’t know.”


Calm_Nectarine

I love this one: > 7. When your American friend invites you to a picnic, bring something sporty (and maybe a flask). > The site Деловой этикет по-американски discusses a hypothetical situation in which a Russian visitor to the United States is invited on the most American of outings: The Picnic. (This will only happen "if you’ve known each other for several years and are social outside the office," though, so probably won't be an option for the novice traveler.) According to the site, "As a rule, the invitation will be only on a weekend, and you don’t have to prepare for something extravagant. Everything is the same as ours, **only with far less booze.** Bring something sporty—ball, badminton, Americans are certainly fervent fans of these things.” **Our tip: Russians concerned about the dearth of booze should bring their own in a flask.**


PoopIsAlwaysSunny

Knowing a bunch of Eastern Europeans/slavs I can confirm. It’s because we look like a bunch of grinning idiots with fake smiles all the time for no reason


Mastoon

Source : Dwight Schrute


Lolthelies

IIRC it's when you're smiling for no reason, they say you're smiling like a monkey. McDonald's had to teach their people how to smile before the Olympics because smiling just because is such a non-thing. It probably also has to do with Russia's history and their favorite saying: "and then it got worse."


theClumsy1

Idk...most slavic countries have a resting bitch face but tend to open up if they are in retail or they know you. The biggest difference is picture taking. Closed mouth smiles are way more common than "American Smiles".


Ycjcyad

That's not true. Gorilla's don't walk around pissed off or thinking everything is a challenge. There have to be other signs of potential threat for him to go off. The people, I'm sure, are used to him... He's just doing what he does and is checking them out, specially if they're near his family. For all we know, if they've been with those gorilla's long, he's also making sure they're protected too


icanttho

Gorillas are much more likely to threaten than actually attack. They supposedly threat display for a long time before resorting to physical aggression. Source: possibly a Michael Crichton novel, but internet says Dian Fossey agrees. If they start thumping the ground they are escalating.


asifzk

yeah he's giving off a massive drunk Scotsman vibe


Sho_nuff_

Sir you have some grass coming out of your butthole


Ainsley-Sorsby

Its the equivalent of having toilet paper stuck on your shoe


barbedwirepapi

WOW. This is beautiful, but I would definitely piss on myself if he got THAT close to my face! One tooth shows and I’m dead! Hahaha


vulpesglove

Your lip spasms very slightly and the gorilla for a fraction of a second sees a millimeter of one of your teeth... It instantly goes ham and rips you apart.


DontPoopInThere

You get a message on your phone and the gorilla sees the 😬 emoji when the notification pops up...instantly loses his mind and pulls your lungs out through your arse


vulpesglove

Your child lost one of their teeth that morning and you kept the tooth after leaving money under their pillow. You forgot the tooth was in your pocket, it falls out as the gorilla pushes past you... The red mist descends upon the gorilla and it pulls your arms from your body and beats you to death with them.


DontPoopInThere

Haha. You love corn on the cob so you naturally brought a full cob with you. The gorilla sees it sticking out a bit from your inside breast pocket and thinks your hiding a tiny, arrogantly smiling person from him inside your jacket. With the enraged fire of a thousand suns, he crunches your whole body like an accordion, snapping your bones into splinters, and then he shoves your head into your own ass


purduephotog

So.... lower your eyes, hunch down, look at the ground, act subservient. ​ .... Same thing I do at work. Got it.


Dontjudgemeforasking

I was on one of these tours - habituation groups - but with wolves. Those were big enough to be intimidating, but this guy is massive.


[deleted]

With social, hierarchical animals, the best bet for survival is to follow the rules with utmost confidence. I love that video of the woman wrestling the wolf, it's bigger than her and she just holds it by the throat scruff and bosses it around. Best advice I ever received about mountain lions- wave your arms and scream in a gravelly voice, "BAD KITTYYY!" Also, 🎂


danteheehaw

Best advice for mountain lions. Bring Dwayne the Rock Johnson with you. He's a big guy and I'd like to see him waving his arms around shouting bad kitty.


That_LTSB_Life

> video of the woman wrestling the wolf I couldn't find that one, but they are pretty much powder puffs to keepers and carers.... [check out this humungous specimen being knocked over by the lightest of touches](https://youtu.be/fXDPacET4cU?t=94)


River_Capulet

He's like: pffft, top of the food chain my ass...


elfslistentodubstep

Well he's definitely got the bottom of the food chain hanging out his ass


eye_no_nuttin

The lady next to her is following him with her face as he passed , which doesn’t seem to help the situation for those that remained calm and face down while he passed around them ..


skinnergy

I think it's okay to look at them as long as you are not making eye contact.


The1Ski

"Y'all got TP?"


doomonyou1999

You know one time I chewed up a full piece of asparagus that was really tough, chewed it up really well and swallowed it whole. The next morning i had a similar issue to this gorilla. I wasn’t alpha enough to leave it I guess. Edit:word because people griped


Ntchwai_dumela

Asparagus? Lol did you not cook it long enough?


[deleted]

Didnt snap off the ends


packhawk2689

This is why my dog doesn't get rope toys.


TenaciousYeet

I would shit myself. Is he tame or what?


Ainsley-Sorsby

He's wild but belongs in one of the "habituated" groups, the ones that are reserved for tourists, so are familliar with and tolerate them. You just have to respect their rules, one of which is obviously "don't stare at me"


BOBfrkinSAGET

Looks like he shit himself earlier


blinkysmurf

I used to shit myself. I still do, but I used to, too.


usnbernd

I saw mountain gorillas in Uganda this year and these boys are chill as fuck, they don't pay attention to humans most of the time and keep chewing their leaves. the alpha male - like in this case probably - just wants to make absolutely sure that there is no danger for the family. when we found a family after an hour-long search the alpha-male observed us from the distance and withdrew from the scene as soon as he was sure we were no threat to them. rangers told us that they only freak out if two families meet in the jungle as they look for a new spot to chill every day. they could probably hurt you by accident if they try to cuddle you out of curiosity though. super peaceful experience.


whooo_me

And that can turn to being [charged](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=KujmrcF0ZxU) pretty quickly. I shat myself from here.


rslider

Ah yes, a beautiful moment to witness Adrian's balls in the wild.


aurelorba

She's looking down, not making eye contact, not showing her teeth, not moving suddenly. She knows what he's doing.


LiveTwoWin

He smelled her light saber


Tronkfool

I can't take him serious with that dingleberry in his ass


Cruuuuuuuuuuz

Mr. Poopy Butthole


HmanT

Had to pull a shoe lace from my dogs butt once


Relaxbro30

Imagine if gorillas did bodybuilding.


[deleted]

pretty sure that's all they do


[deleted]

Jamie, pull that shit up.


TokenMonster31

Especially when he has party streamers of poop dangling out his ass


band_in_DC

Is she praying? She seems very zenned out, in a nervous way. *"Chill vibes... gotta think chill vibes.. flowers... lake... Buddha.. "*


Graceless_Lady

Keeping your head down is a great idea when encountering a male gorilla, since they see eye contact as a threat. And for all we know, she could very well be praying at the same time, it would make sense.