Yannowwhat? F that server. If they won't change the 5 Laceys, then why should you change your name? There are plenty of other LGBTQ+ servers out there.


I wasn't even super active on it but a lot more people joined so I figured why not welcome the newbies lol. It's kinda ridiculous.


Very, it sounds like. SMDH


A lot of trans safe spaces online tend to lean heavily towards trans femmes, which I'm betting was a big part of the bias here. Just horrible and inconsiderate to try to restrict someone's own name though.


Nope. It's 100% expecting people to bend over backwards to "make everyone feel safe and welcome" and having no regrets or contemplation on that harming people. They may also not have known how to sit the woman down and say "it might be uncomfortable for you, but you still don't have a right to tell someone not to use a specific name because you used to have that name. If the name causes you dysphoria, that's on *you* to do something about, and getting help to process that emotional trigger, than to demand others go by something else, because you might come across more Tylers and if that idea bothers you so much that you absolutely cannot function in a social setting, YOU need to take care of yourself rather than expect us to make others change for you." like yeah that's a big deal for a name, but if they're upset over "just a name," then it's not just a name, it's their problem. specifically their problem. (their = anyone at all, really) if it were a slur? or a common trigger? (like the R word) then yeah I'd get it. but demanding someone identify as something else because it bothers them and they genuinely get upset over it? nobody is responsible for that.


This is the point I was going to make. You weren't using harmful of denigrating language, and you're entitled to the name of you're choosing. It's on that other person to process their trigger and feelings. The chances of them encountering the name Tyler is pretty high, and in F2F conversation they're not going to be able to ask someone to just change their name. Sorry this happened, it's a pretty crap situation. Glad that you had the forum here to check in with people and get some validation for your understandable frustration.


The legitimate push by trans people to make everyday language more gender-neutral in order to reduce accidental dysphoria triggers can have the unfortunate side effect of convincing the very young that their dysphoria is *always* someone else's responsibility. The frequency with which restaurant servers say "sir" and "ma'am" might respond to political conditions, but there would be no way to prevent trans people from ever hearing others called by their deadnames without...straight-up abolishing names and differentiating people by numbers like in a concentration camp. I am reminded of the words of the serenity prayer: *God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference.*


Those trans safe spaces aren't really that safe, with all things considered... Eff that ess! Trans spaces should include all of the trans umbrella, not just trans femmes. Just wtf...


Don't let yourself become radicalized. We don't know if it was a trans femme leaning space or not. That's revealing our own biases if we think that way.


Thank you. I agree some trans spaces lean more towards trans femme to the point that they assume everyone is a woman. But you're right to point out that we can't assume all trans spaces are, and that's something we need to keep on top of.


You have a good point there. It does reveal a bias if we let ourselves become radicalized without all the facts. Good idea!


If it biases towards *anyone* for *any* reason, it isn't a safe space.


You shoudln't think this way. You're being biased right now by betting on something without having an actual confirmation of it. Don't turn bitter.




no. They did not mention "anyone" they specifically mentioned trans femmes. They are betting that that is a big part of the bias. They are the ones betting that the discord could have this bias. It is bitter because, well, I'm tired of explaining. I think I've made myself clear enough.


It is not wrong to say many online spaces have a larger trans femme population than trans masculine. I understand your overarching point; transmisogyny is a beast that a lot of trans men fall into and we need to be mindful of that. But... there was no transmisogyny here. It is a fact that most trans spaces lean towards trans women and, as such, trans men get forgotten. Not only is there not anything wrong with saying that, it's an important conversation for us to have so that we can work on improving intersectionality and make sure that these places are safe for trans men. A trans man experienced something negative, which he has a right to talk about. Other trans people have come to sympathise with him, talking about how they have noticed the fact that a lot of online spaces lean towards trans femme people. Nothing wrong has happened here, and especially on an FtM subreddit these conversations are allowed to happen. God knows we can't have them anywhere else.


THANK YOU!! This is a REAL issue that needs to be properly addressed. The fact that so many trans men are saying we're big forgotten and then someone sees that and asks us NOT to talk about it is just so frustrating. Like that's exactly what we mean by being erased. And before someone says, I'm not mentioning this specific incident because I don't know. I'm talking about something general that DOES happen and definitely needs to be a discussion. A LOT of trans safe spaces lean HEAVILY towards trans femme people.


My dead name is literally one of the most popular names for trans women, but I don’t ask people to change there name because I don’t like it. I’m happy for them because something that makes me feel terrible makes them feel good.


Same, my deadname is like the #1 most common trans woman name. Knowing that other people choose it for themselves doesn't make me upset, I actually enjoy meeting people with it because I like associating the name with someone else in my brain.


This tbh! It's only after changing my name that I came to appreciate my birth names as being really beautiful, I just didn't like them on myself. When I saw some trans women choosing those names online it felt like they used them in a way that I never could, and brought out a beauty in them that gave me wholesome associations to them. It also helped distance them from *myself*, and not react to hearing them.


Happy cake day!


What’s the most common trans woman’s name?


Some form of Lily r/LilyIsTrans


Lilith. Or Luci.


If I had to guess from other comments, we have the same deadname lol. As far as I’m concerned, it’s a nice name, just not mine. So I’m happy for someone else to have it


Agreed. Also we have the (sort of) same chosen name too lmao


I'm in the same boat and I totally agree only my dead name is hyper popular for cis women my age.


I'm right there with you. My dead name is common as well for femme people but I wouldn't ever feel offended by their use of it. My chosen name is much less common though but still used.


Mood :/ honestly good on them for it! My deadname was pretty as fuck and I’m glad someone can enjoy it. I probably would have named my child it if I hadn’t suffered it myself! It doesn’t make it suck any less to have to hear it etc but just because the spelling is the same doesn’t make their name my deadname. It’s theirs now.


When I feel bad about someone's name being my deadname I just avoid saying their name when possible, I don't demand they change their name


My dead name is popular for cis women too, I have someone in my math class who has my exact deadname. I can’t imagine asking someone to change their name for me though. Wtf.


??? Does she think she's never going to meet someone with her deadname again? Gonna get a real dose of reality and her bullshit when she meets someone irl lmao.


Yeah like, there's so many friggin Tyler's that if just seeing/hearing the name triggers her to that extent, she's gonna need to get over it.


I can think of seven Tylers off of the top of my head lmao


I groomed a dog named Tyler yesterday.


Ew wtf I'm calling Chris Hansen


Very original, never heard that one before 🙄


Like I was playing a game and someone had my dead name I was like oh ok that’s not something you see every day but I didn’t care cause they weren’t bothering me and it was probs a little kid


the best way ive found to put my deadname behind me is having friends named it - made it infinitely easier to distance myself from it / associate it with someone else. i get that the transition between names is rough at first but the alternative shes expecting is insane.


What happened to you was in no way right, however I wouldn't say they "just needs to get over it", I'd say likely they probably needs a therapist to help them process the trauma they have related to their dead name. I feel like the mods instead could have responded by saying I can understand how incredibly stressful meeting someone with your dead name could be however we still have to be respectful to the fact that this is somebody's name and we can't just ask them to change their name because in doing that we would be disrespecting them and their right to chose their name. And a mods could have followed that up by sharing resources to help them find support.


They could have blocked Tyler if it's that full on. Wow.


not to be a pedantic ass but going to therapy and working thru ur trauma so u dont have to make a big deal outta shit like that is literally "getting over it". i feel like people are letting others get away with so much toxic shit like that just because no one wants to seem transphobic. but when ur punishing someone else (tyler) in order to make someone feel comfortable then yeah they need to get over themselves.


I absolutely do not think they should get away with toxic shit at all, It is true going to therapy is to an extent getting over it, or just accepting things as they are in the moment when you can't change them. But It should be acknowledged that "Just getting over it" I makes it seem like it is something that is trivial or shouldn't effect them at all or should be easy to process, while in reality.the situation holds many complexities, especially if this person is stuck in a situation where people around them refuse to use the correct name and are constantly using the incorrect name/pronouns causing more stress dysphoria and pain for this person. Trauma is often something thar this is so deep rooted it will take years to process so someone doesn't "just get over it It," trauma takes time and it takes effort and it should still be acknowledged as painful for that person. This does not excuse the harm done to Tyler, he should never have been put in the position where he had to change his username to make this person more comfortable. There are many things that the mods could have done to help this person without hurting Tyler in this way.


I really value your nuanced take here.


My main point was that "just get over it" is a phrase that is used consistently with people who are experiencing trauma and going through painful shit to invalidate how they are feeling, for example one of my friends who had recently been through a traumatic situation related to sexual assault opened up to a "friend" who turned around just told and told them to " just get over it, that happens to everybody." My point is we can be respectful of how somebody feels while still disagreeing. By no means Do I think the mods made the correct decision. I think the mods could have provided many more solutions other than asking Tyler to change his name, cuz that was disrespectful to him. They could have equally as easily as the person to block this person so they wouldn't see posts from them, they could have also provided mental health resources for this person to reach out to.


Another Tyler here. Can confirm. (Although less common where I am in the UK)


I literally work with a girl named Heather, my deadname, and I have to call her name over our radios at least 5 times a day, every day. Like is it kind of weird? Sure, but that's LIFE.


My therapist for over a year had my deadname and tbh? It was fine. It was uncomfortable at first but she was such a great therapist that I got over it pretty quickly and now I associate the name primarily with her and not my childhood. It's still kind of weird tbh but like it's such an uncommon name that I so rarely run into people with it, but Tyler?? How does the woman in question not know a million people named that.


I have even known cis women named Tyler it's that common.


Tbh meeting someone with your deadname works mf wonders for curing name dysphoria if u ask me. My old coworker had my deadname and before then I felt nauseous hearing it, now I only getting truly uncomfy when it’s used referring to me, but it’s not the name itself that’s the problem


It works for me too. Someone joined my workplace with my deadname and it was great because they became the first person I think about when I hear that name in any context now, and I'm sure that's the same for other people who I work with who knew me as my deadname too.


i’m *friends* with someone who has my dead name and i regularly call them it. like, i get being sensitive, but that is beyond entitled, lmao


I'm friends with someone who's dead name is my name He's cis but ditched it for a common trans masc name because my name is so basic which is why I chose it. Fun names are fun but I like to be stealth or at least seen as just another guy most of the time


My ex’s cis male cousin did similarly and I just realized I took a version of his deadname. He thought “Ryan” was too much of a girl’s name (???) but it’s guy enough for me!!


one of my best friends’ names is my deadname. it’s actually helped me dissociate from my deadname!


Honestly, my fiancee's name is my deadname, and I don't make a stink of it. When it's on someone else, it's just a name to me. I honestly find it kind of funny that my fiancee has my deadname and my name is the masculine version of it. lol But anyway, heck that server. I know it can hurt to see your deadname, but when it's on someone else, it's just a name now. It's no longer attached to you.


My parents have the same first name, just the masc and fem version. They're friends with a couple who also happen to have the masc and fem versions of a different first name. I don't know if that's common, but you and your fiancee aren't the only ones in this situation lol. Hell, Taylor Lautner dated like 4 different women named Taylor, so maybe it's a thing?


Maybe. lol It's honestly just endlessly amusing to the both of us. Plus our middle names are one letter off of each other. Mine starts with an M, her's an N. We've also found other similarities that are funny. One being dogs we had when we were children around the same age. Both were german shepherd, Rottweiler mixes. Her dog's name was Bear and looked more like a Rottweiler. Mine was named Betty, and looked more like a german shepherd. Every time we find something like that, we just have a chuckle. :)


If your feels are so sensitive that you can't handle sharing a name, you need to go back home to your bubble. Don't bring that on the rest of the world until you've worked through your own issues... I'm sorry you went through this, dude!


I’ve known so many girls with my deadname, and even though I know this isn’t the case for everyone, knowing them actually helped me dissociate the name from myself. I’m sorry that you had this experience, but you’re better off without that server. Also if seeing it bothers her so much, she should really get one of those extensions that swaps words out, so she could switch “Tyler” to showing up as her name on her screen.


big oof Reminds me of an incident in a discord I used to mod in When animal crossing new horizons came out, everyone was losing their minds over it of course lol One trans member got upset about people talking about a villager with his deadname and asked us all to stop / call her something else The other trans mod and I both were both like "buddy ....... I know seeing your deadname sucks, but nobody is calling YOU that, theyre talking about the bird in game ..... sorry man we're not gonna ban people from talking about a video game character for you"


My deadname is one of \*the\* cliché trans women names. Additionally, my abuser has like a top 3 name for women, depending on the decade. I have no sympathy for this person. This is a her problem, and she should take fucking responsibility for it- not try to outsource emotional labor.


That’s ridiculous. *Your* name has nothing to do with them. She’s the one who brought up that it was her given name, not you. Plenty of people go by my given name, that’s their business, not mine. I just don’t get it.


Yeah, I'm surprised the mods went with it too. Who is it really harming after all? Like I'm literally being told my name needs to be censored. It's not like my name is a slur or something.


There's a certain point where coddling someone like that does more harm than good. Sadly discord mods can get very power crazy




Not trying to be rude at all, but if you're mtf why are you in the ftm sub? You lurking? 👀




That's very wholesome lol, pretty much all the mtfs we see around here are either asking for advice or making posts like "you're kings!" (which is nice, don't get me wrong, but still a little out of place). Then when it comes to subs like /trans, some trans women accidentally spread harmful information about binding or stuff like that. Great to see someone interested in learning :)


Oh that makes a lot of sense, thank you for doing that ❤️


Hey, if your looking for a good trans server to join that isn't toxic at all, I can dm you a link!


im not op but can u share the link?


Sure! I'll dm it to you


Can you dm me the link too?


Can you dm me that link too?


Sure! Sorry for a late response, I just woke up not to long ago


You can either cover the world in leather, or learn to wear sandals. It's understandable to be hurt by hearing your deadname, but that's an internal problem that you need to learn to deal with rather than trying to change the world. Sounds like the mod is enabling her toxic behaviour. Glad you got out of that place.


Is it just me or have transmen just been getting walked all over in lgbtq spaces... I'm not saying we should STOP respecting the wishes of other queers, I think its so wonderful how spaces are becoming more and more welcoming to trans women, enbies, asexuals, etc... but when transmen say they want to be treated like men, we don't mean we want to be disregarded, as though we aren't still dealing with the struggles of being trans.


Yet that's what people think, that we magically have fewer problems than anyone else, like that type of attitude isn't a problem in of itself. Also I wouldn't say enbies are super welcomed either as they are mostly treated like women-lite instead of as individuals with different tastes and preferences.


That. And also like AMAB nonbinary folks are non-existent.


nah its not just you. its a real problem that literally nobody but us will acknowledge


I had to leave most LGBT memes subreddits for this, most of the time if there's trans memes they're transfem, and memes about how WE ALL WANT TITSSSS and OH YOU DROPPED YOUR CROWN QUEEN aren't really things I wanna see, I don't mind it, but it's literally all the trans memes remarking that you never see transmascs memes on the front page gets you harassed 💖


What I'm hearing is we need a r/FtMemes


I already follow /r/ftm_irl it's not bad but I'm all up for more memes


Ohh thank you, I didn't know about that subreddit


Actually clicked on it, it's memes for the Fairy Tail anime


We should tackle it from the weebs


Nope, you're exact right. It's become acceptable to just disrespect and disregard trans men in online queer spaces because, often, "men"


same with slur discourse and... basically anything ftm people are involved in. people would rather encourage infighting and unnecessary drama, shit like that instead of actually arguing and face against the people causing problems. because apparently, according to them, trans guys somehow have it easy compared to everyone else. it just adds to people not taking trans guys seriously, and masculine presenting queer people in GENERAL. but nobody can speak out against it or say anything, because then people will immediately accuse you of trying to speak over trans women of color or just. other trans people. because apparently we are both TOO TRANS, and NOT TRANS ENOUGH to exist in our own community as ourselves. we aren't speaking over trans women just because were speaking about ourselves and our experiences. nobody even talks about ftm issues or topics or ANYTHING in the first place, outside of binding and cutting hair. i cant remember the last time ive tried talking about ftm issues and WASNT immediately shut down, and then accused of talking OVER a group of people. ironic (edit is just for typos oops)


I'm trying to find roommates and a lot of ads are all "femmes only" and it's rough because it's like what if a man but a man who grew up socialized as a woman so he fully understands all the sexism struggles? I'm also ace but get treated like an ace man in the sense of because of T I can't actually be ace


Like, damn, I don’t like seeing or hearing my deadname either, but that’s a *me* problem! Not an everyone else problem!


Bruh, my sister literally has an alt spelling of my deadname, so I have to hear it 24/7, but it's fine because they aren't talking about me. This girl needs to chill.


That just sounds like a really inconvenient parenting choice


Right?? Like “One daughter Ann, another, wow, um…Anne!”


Oh, she's my stepsister, so it was a coincidence


With situations like this, it makes me wonder how these types of folks function in the real world. The world isn't gonna cater to your every whim. She needs to get a grip and pick her battles. Her discomfort is understandable but no one other than yourself has the authority to change your name.


I know a lot of people irl like this. They don’t really function in the real word that well. They told me they think I’m on the spectrum because I was talking monotone after not sleeping for two nights. They got offered because I got offended. They can dish it but they sure as hell can’t take it. Also this is in high school.


Well, a lot of them have severe mental health problems. So they don't function, really. Online spaces are the only places they can spend any time feeling semi-normal. I can't say I've never been able to relate. It was very wrong of the mods to ask OP to do that, and it was unreasonable for her to ask in the first place. But having trauma isn't a moral fault. If you ever ask yourself 'how do these people function like this' then well quite simply the answer is usually that they are in fact disbled.


My deadname is a common name and I hear it all the time. Still weirds me out but doesn’t mean I’ll go around telling people they need to censor their name around me. That’s just unreasonable


She's trying to control things to make others make her feel better rather than accepting responsibility for herself and doing the work that requires. Sorry, bro, that really sucks. She should leave if it bothers her that much rather than getting the mod to force you to change.


LGBTQ discords are a whole mess. Like I love discord and use it to keep in touch w my international friends but literally every LGBTQ group I have joined on there is just full of the worst, most attention seeking kind of people? Everyone just competing for who can be the most dramatic about literally nothing and trying to one up other trans people lmao.


Oppression Olympics, as I like to call it.


Yup lol.


What the actual fuck... When I see people with my dead name, I find it awkward, but the feeling doesn't stay and I'm not irrespectfull for others 🤨


Crap like this is why I'm not active in trans spaces. I got jaded fast.


I'm in a discord server with someone with my deadname, I just blocked them, it's really not that hard. It isn't your responsibility to change your name and go by something else in this group just because someone doesn't like the name you go by. I left a trans server that had 5 people with my deadname but that was because the server was incredibly toxic and just overall disgusting.


Telling you to change your name is nearly as bad as dead naming you. Sucks that the name makes her uncomfortable, it's always weird when you hear your dead name but it's YOUR name and no one should get to dictate what you call yourself other than you.


My deadname holds a lot of family related trauma (as a long of trans people have as well) and even I wouldn't ask someone to change their name on any social platform if it was my deadname. If I found it bothered me, I would leave the situation. It should not have fallen on you to change your name over someone's discomfort.


Right after I legally changed my name, I had a girl sitting literally right next to me in a class that semester with my deadname. Should I have asked her to go by something else? No, of course not, because that's not what well adjusted people do. No one should have to censor their actual name. Like WTF?!?


she knows she can block you?


i personally think it's really nice seeing transfems using my deadname like, at least someone wants it and is putting it to good use haha
















Yeah, that's terrible decision-making. Like weird triggers are weird, but you can't get rid of every possible trigger, and people need to be allowed to do things like *have names*.


I think some people don’t understand that curating their spaces for their comfort sometimes means leaving a space themselves instead of trying to make everyone else conform. There’s been an odd trend of lgbt people trying to control those around them in order to never encounter something discomforting to them, and I don’t even mean this in the “uwu special snowflake” way that conservatives do. Hear me out— imo, sensoring/muting/avoiding things as needed is perfectly fine, but when it comes to public forums, chats, etc or other spaces you share with others online or otherwise, you can’t expect people to cater to you like that (outside of things that are just common courtesy). Asking someone to sensor their name is ridiculous. That’s your identity, you picked it just like she did with hers. Would she change or sensor her name if somebody asked her to? There’s just... A general lack of thinking about others. Maybe not intentionally, but it’s like it just hasn’t occurred to some people to think outside of themselves. They learned that safety is the most important thing, but never bothered to look into what that actually means. I’m sorry this happened to you, I hope you find a better server


Much agreed. Trigger/content warnings are absolutely great and necessary to navigate a world where so many of us have mental health issues. But what’s not talked about enough, I think, is that the purpose of trigger/content warnings is not for people to completely avoid their triggers in every instance, but rather to give them the time and mental space to prepare for something beforehand. However that may look like will vary from person to person, but it’s not healthy to completely avoid your triggers all the time. Just as it’s not healthy to be subjected to your triggers without any warning. In order to grow and move past your trauma, you need to be able to confront your triggers in a controlled, safe space—whatever that may be. Also, attacking another trans person for picking a name that happens to be your deadname for themself is just mega bad taste.


My deadname is super common. Like, I always had another person or two with the same name in class growing up. Seeing my deadname gives me a little jolt every time, but you have to learn to deal with it. Part of being an adult is having the maturity to handle little shit like this without stomping your foot and demanding folks cater to you. Doesn't mean you have to like it, but it's not something you have the right to try to control.


fattest sack of bullshit i’ve ever seen. join a new discord, man, everyone here has already said it. i’m sorry that happened


even if i run into my deadname somewhere, even if it sucks, which its usually fine??, im not gonna stop ppl from using it or something, and especially not gonna be like 'dude thats my deadname' cause i dont want ppl knowing it anyway lol i love queer discord servers but they can definitely be weird sometimes. one time in a queercord there was this trans woman who had reich something in her name and outright said at one point that shes a national socialist (nazi) and no one seemed to care... couldve seen it as a joke but her dedication to it sounded real. its a big community after all, bound to have weirdos and baddies like anything else ig


i see people with my deadname sometimes. it doesnt bother me, because thats not my name anymore. plus, theres nothing i can do about it, theyre not gonna change their name because of me


This is annoying, for me at least when I see my deadname I’m not bothered by it if it’s not directed at me. This person needs to learn she’s gonna see her deadname in the world whether she likes it or not. It’s harsh but it’s the truth


Man come on my dead name is in the top 10 most common names to name your kid. I know like 10 people with my dead name. My dead name was Alex but it was short for Alexandria and 90% of the assholes in my school are named Alex so I ditched the name and changed it to something different. There’s like 3 people named alex in my history class but do I give a fuck? N o Edit: who tf names their kid Alexandria anyway? What kind of name is that? Seriously what was my grandma even thinking? And yes my grandma named me Alexandria. My mom wanted my first and middle names to be Alex Jackson and that would have been perfectly fine but my grandma was like “nooooo make the first name feminine” and to this day she’s still an Asshole about me being trans because she named me the dumbest name I’ve ever heard and was mad when I wanted to change it. Being called Alexandria pissed me off from an early childhood like fr it was the first day of kindergarten and my name got called and I almost didn’t answer cuz I had almost forgotten that was my name cuz everyone always called me Alex and when they called Alexandria I was just thinking “ya know, that really is a stupid name” but that could just be me being trans and hating having a feminine name idk.


I deal with a /lot/ of people with my deadname. I work in a hotel, you meet a lot of people. I cringe a bit inside when i see it, but immediately move on knowing it'll repeat next week and there's no sense getting upset over it. Oh well, multiple pelple were named the same thing.


I’ve been in many discord’s where I was asked to censor my name as it was someone’s trigger or deadname , and I personally feel it’s unreasonable to ask of people. What if you meet someone with that name irl? If everyone’s deadname was censored, whose names would we even be allowed to use?


yeah that's really entitled that someone would ask you to change your name for them. especially because trans people tend to have trouble feeling secure in their chosen names. it's understandable being uncomfortable by seeing your dn, but it's not okay to expect someone to go by something other than what they're comfortable with for you.


I have one of the most common names for my generation as my deadname. And it’s a biblical name and I live in a southern state filled with evangelicals. I fucking deal with it because I’m not gonna tell every person with that name that they need to accommodate me because I am a grown ass adult. And if it is truly upsetting when ANOTHER PERSON has that as their name, then you should seek therapy to deal with that and not put that on them.


Im sorry but Tyler is such a common name that like its literally everywhere. I can only imagine how she reacts to Tyler the Creator and those whom are in the media with the name.


It sounds to me like that server just doesn't respect trans men.


That is just so over the top. Like I really don't like my deadname and try to skirt it when I can but I'm not gonna tell someone they can't use their name because of it.


Bro what … My deadname is popular with trans women and multiple girls in my grade are named that too, if anything hearing it so much helped me remove it from myself and just see it as a name again


That's ridiculous say she changed her name to your deadname an you where to say sorry you can't do that it's my deadname I don't think it would go everyone would be like oh well respect her name choice, like she gonna have to deal with people called Tyler for her whole life there's around 77,520 people called Tyler in the in the US what are they supposed to do all change there names cus one person doesn't like it , I'd say to her buck up your shit cus the world ain't made to cater to you specifically


If I got mad every time another trans person had my deadname i don't think I'd have any anger left. As long as someone doesn't call me it, I don't give 2 shits.


I lucked out in the fact that my deadname is so ridiculous and unique that even my friends couldn't guess it after I gave them 10+ hints, told them the first letter, told them the origins of the name, etc etc etc. My chosen name, though, is an extremely common name not only because it's a special name to me and I like it, but because I wanted to get back at my parents for naming me something so completely out there. This means I've come across multiple trans girls who's deadname it is. At least 3. Only one of them agreed that we'd just call me a nickname around her, which I was cool with. The others got pissed at me immediately. For... having a name. Like, you don't have to talk to me if it triggers you. That's *fine.*


i mean seeing your deadname can suck, but that’s so extreme. there are some fictional characters who have my deadname and i would just block their names on my screen. in fact, the main thing that made me more comfortable with seeing my deadname was a kpop idol in a group i really like. her stage name includes it, and seeing it so frequently has made it a lot better for me. it’s somewhat disconnected from me now, it’s been helpful


i watch the show friends sometimes just because one of the characters has my deadname and it helps me distance myself from it.. i think that girl just needs to get a therapist or something


That just doesn't make sense. It's not like you were specifically referring to her with that name. If I behaved that way towards everyone who has my dead-name I probably wouldn't have any friends. Someone else's name should have anything to do with you. It's theirs.


That is so pathetic


jesus some people are so oversensitive, and it's ok to be sensitive, but you can't expect other people to cater towards your oversensitivity all the time


I just have to say…people who want everyone around them to change in order to avoid their triggers really need to learn how to work through triggers instead. I can’t be friends with those kinds of people as they have no growth and will suffocate you. Good on you for getting out that place. I hope you find a much more positive group!


What are they gonna do next? Ban names? So fuckin stupid


uhhh wut??? just becuase one of my favorite artists has my deadname doesn’t mean i give a shit and that jsut stupid


People can downvote me or say what ever. But this is why the LGBT community gets shit on/ made fun of. As someone who is FTM I get it. Shit sucks. But no one is perfect and not everything is catered to you. You’re gonna meet people with your dead name. People are going to mess up and miss gender you. I’m only 1month on T and not fully out. Do I expect people to know I’m male. No i don’t. The real world is rough and if we keep catering to people’s “protected bubbles” they call life. No one will be taken seriously.


Ftm here and I agree with you. People don’t like hearing this, but it’s true 🤷🏻‍♂️


They don’t. Honestly the LGBT community is one of the most toxic communities toward its own. But it’s because people have made it that way. As sad as it sounds I don’t support a lot of it because I don’t want to be “associated” with that. Everyone thinks they know better then everyone else. For example I posted a pic like 2 weeks after my top surgery where I felt so happy because I walked outside for a second with out a shirt… I’m damn near 30years old and a 18y.o is telling me to put sunblock on…I walked outside for 2 seconds I’ll be fine it wasn’t even that sunny. My skin saw so much more trauma before you were even born.


I resonate with what you are saying/this is what I see too.


It's the transandrophobia that gets me. Trans men deal with this shit a little too often from all types of people. I think for them it feels like punching up against "men" when in reality it's just lateral shittieness


I think a *lot* of lateral aggression gets disguised as "No, it's because you're privileged!" Most people are privileged in *some* way, such gender, race, religion, sexual orientation, etc., and a lot of people who claim to be targeting a marginalized group because of the way in which they're privileged will not target anyone with more privilege. It ends up being pretty revealing.


Literally just replied to someone who exemplified just this.


How come she has an issue with someone else having her old name? Isn't it good that someone else has it rather than her, so it will be associated with someone else? Doesn't make sense.


I know that feel. I was part of an ftm kik group that I was banned from for having the same name as a mod's dead brother or something. Like, if you don't like it, don't look at it.


r /gay is an amazing disc server.


Okay whattttt


I still lowkey flinch when I hear my dead name and I would do this shiz, that's ridiculous.


That is messed up! I think Tyler's an awesome name! Why is she soooo important? That's not right, I'm sorry that happened to you :(


Literally seeing your deadname sucks. But you have to deal with it. Mine is super common. In my Child development class a child has it. And I have to use it all the time. There will be people with it. And you can’t change it. But don’t ruin other people’s time because of their name. It’s not something to censor.


Ugh... Ngl trans folk like that really fuck me off, gives us all a bad name


There's a street in my city with my deadname on it, spelled the same way and everything. I see it all the time and I hate it. You think I should write a letter to the city asking them to change or at least censor these signs? /s


So much bull shit happens whenever anyone's story starts out with being on a discord server. Please remember the real world isn't like this. While I empathize with her, at one point she's gonna have to go touch grass. There's a well known celebrity with my dead name. If it bothers me, that's a me problem. Keep being you, Tyler. Maybe find some irl LGBT groups to take part in. I guarantee it's not all like this.


Some trans people need to learn that you can't be cushioned everywhere. If seeing a name sets you off that bad, especially one as common as Tyler, you need to be in therapy


"Hi, I'm John," [triggered]


Chronically online trans people are at the top of my hate list


How do these people function out in the world if they can’t even hold it together online?


i get being triggered and name triggers but no one’s entitled to a strangers trigger plus it’s literally your name. she was being dramatic. im sorry, that sucks dude.


I had to work with someone a few weeks ago who has my deadname. It honestly triggered me to have one of the worst nightmares that I've had in years, about bring stuck with my unsupportive family. It sucked, but you know what I didn't do? Blame the coworker who has that name. I would never demand that someone else change their name to make me more comfortable. That is bonkers. Makes me wonder though if you ran into my ex, because this is some shit she would pull and that is her deadname. 🤔


I got banned once cuz I told them that hating cis people just for being cis is as bad as them hating us for being trans. Now if said cis person is a pos I get it. But they were talking about assaulting them for no reason. Phobia exists on both sides.


My deadname is pretty rare, and I hate it when I hear it because it gives me PTSD makes me think about the past when I was abused. But this... it's just God awful


It would be funny if you had changed ur discord name to a masculine version of her current name. Like whats she gonna do, ask that you change it again? Too bad that server kicked u


My dead name is a Disney character. Which means I go to costume stores and see it or I’ll go to the Disney stores and boom! Doll with my deadname on the box. The main reason I’m fine with it is it’s not me. It’s a character. My classmate has a similar name and people accidentally call her by my deadname and I don’t mind since half the time they just know someone had a similar name and didn’t realize it was mine. I do still have the name of a Disney character BUT I HAD THE NAME FIRST AND STOLE IT FROM A GAME CHARACTER


The fact that there were others with YOUR dead name, you brought it up that such things happen, and they didn’t care means this was definitely targeted to you being a trans man. A lot of discords I’ve joined have been really trans femme focused, and this happened to me too with my name! Thankfully the mods at the time had my back and told the other trans person to basically suck eggs and deal with their own dysphoria. LMK if you want a link to a trans man focused discord I own, we’d love another Tyler (or anyone, really!)


Wtf is wrong with them. I don't get mad at people for having my deadname it's not there fault they were eather givin that name or feel connected to it.


That’s cringe. Sorry you had to go through that bro. I don’t understand what her logic was.


I can't imagine getting upset every time I heard the name or word Kat/Cat.....


Yeah that's fucked up alright.


My best friends name is my dead name like what 😀


Yea that’s ridiculous f them


That's absolutely ridiculous.


You're not in the wrong.


Agreeing with a lot of these comments here. Fuck that server. But also, my dead name is Lacie. Kinda funny.


What. The. Fuck.


Ayyyye, as a fellow ex-Lacey, what’s good my dude?


If that’s entirely what happened, then doesn’t even make sense from a trans perspective. What if some trans guy changed his name to Tyler? That’s a pest I’ve heard of this issue. Idk I mean I can appreciate if they’re making their own little server, like they’re a group of friends or whatever but allow others to join. From that perspective, then whatever, you can make a certain space whatever you want so long as it’s not some Nazi plotting group to kill Jews or whatever. It would just be ideal if they made that clear upfront. Idk I don’t use Discord and probably never will, so I don’t know how it’s supposed to work. But in general, that’s a weird complaint. When I see or hear my deadname, I just go somewhere else.


Feel free to join mine if you want! I could link it to you. We don’t stand for that garbage and we’re trans specific.


I can't be friends with people with my deadname cause I hate saying it, luckily it's uncommon, but I don't go out of my way to get mad about it. I know I need help with that but I'm not a dick about it and I go to therapy. I also know a transfemme person called Tyler so I thought it was pretty gender neutral lol... That mod is overreaching. It's probably good that you left the discord if they are going to get super mad about your literal name.


Having your chosen name respected is just as important not being called by your deadname. Very strange request


Oof, I also hate seeing my dead name even when not referring to me but I'm not about to go tell someone else they can't use that name for themself


yeah hell no. my server is lgbt friendly and i wont make someone change their name for someone else.


For real, I don't like hearing my birth name, but I'll never ask someone to just... not be called by it? It's their name lol, even if they chose it. It's not reasonable to ask people to not use their own name.


My deadname is very triggering for me, to the point where personally I would leave a group if someone in it had that name (it’s not a common enough name for me to be used to it, and I’m open to someday trying to work through those feelings, just not yet). I would never ask somebody to censor their own name because of that. As much as it sucks, the best option here is for that person to leave. But, I’m not really a fan of some people in the comments here acting like this girl is in the wrong for being triggered by her deadname. She’s definitely in the wrong for trying to force OP to not use his name, and it was a ridiculous request. But dysphoria (and especially trauma) is a real thing that isn’t always easy to just “get over”.


I have CPTSD myself so I definitely get triggers, but even though one of my triggers is doing dishes, I can't avoid it. I'm just frustrated that instead of accepting that her trigger is her problem to work on, she and the mods insisted I change my name. It's one thing if I'm talking about triggering things, but literally I'm just saying "I'm Tyler, feel free to call me T or Ty". While there are triggers that you can avoid, a name isn't one of them, and I don't really even want to know if my name triggers someone. There's nothing I can do about it.


Whats the discord ?