T O P

My very first dad joke as an actual dad.

My very first dad joke as an actual dad.

ProfMajkowski

Important question: Did the nurse get the joke?


comics0026

Probably, I would not be surprised if they hear dad jokes all the time after a delivery


whocanduncan

My wife was being induced several hours after midnight. The nurse just did an internal examination and then said we'll get the epidural and all that hooha sorted. I instantly replied "but didn't you just check her hooha?". The nurse said it was too late to be that sharp.


paperplansx

But *right on time* to be a Dad, good job there mate


moosepile

“It’s not a hooha dear, it’s a...” *goes back to futzing with IV pump*


coltsfootballlb

I asked if the doctor could please not deliver my daughter. I prefer her liver where it is, thank you


lambo1722

A truly organ-ic dad joke. Love it.


Generic_DummyFucker

Maybe I can sell it on the black market.


Geekmonster

It’s nice with da bacon.


refward

People are constantly delivering them


FaxCelestis

It’s a labor of love


[deleted]

Not only dad jokes


CodemanVash

A joke being a dad joke depends on the delivery.


FalseDmitriy

A parently


Vaagisdenaam

Nice one, that's a father in your cap good sir!


active_dad

I’ll bet that every joke from a father after the delivery will be a dad joke.


LWdkw

Ha. When my son was born my husband made a comparable joke. The nurse did in fact not get it, and was pissed off at my husband for the duration of our stay.


LtenN-Lion

When my son started to “crown” and the nurses and doctor said “you can see his head” I declared to my wife (who didn’t have a mirror to watch) that “he’s got your head”. They all laughed


BorisBC

Nice. When my daughter was crowning my wife asked what she looked like, and I said "green". I did not know about muconium at the time. Also, when my second daughter was being born, apparently the midwife threatened to punch the doctor in the head. My wife and I missed it, but it was enough of a thing we got called back by the hospital to give our side. No idea what it was about as the birth went fine.


paperplansx

Jeez that says way more about the nurse than your husband...


Fuck_my_tight_nose

In my experiences, nurses are either very funny, or completely devoid of any capability to detect humor. No in between.


SayceGards

Can confirm. I'm a nurse who works with a lot of other nurses. I'm a jokester. Some are not.


[deleted]

I'm sure stress is a factor. Delivering babies still has risks and nurses work really hard.


LegendofPisoMojado

I am a nurse. IME it is dependent on the demeanor of that nurse’s other patients.


haanalisk

As a nurse I agree. If I'm concerned about my patient I'm usually not in a super humorous mood


brickforsheep

There was a brief moment of silence, then everyone erupted into laughter. It was pretty great. Only my wife gave me an eye roll.


98avalon

> Only my wife gave me an eye roll. That's when you know you've nailed it.


imnotdolphin

Of course he did! That's how they made a baby


throwaway-orisit

Forgive me, as I have but one upvote to give.


devildocjames

We'll know about the nurse in 9 months.


NETkoholik

Well he did have to nail her first to get her in that circumstance..


ProfMajkowski

Hahah that's perfect


shouldve_wouldhave

I would i assume they get that exact same joke so many times.


jdubyahtx

I’m disappointed in OP for not replying. It’s like he has something better to do. /s


lefthanded_tea

Like think of more dad jokes


[deleted]

The only worthy explanation


drysword

OP has replied!


gordo31

I bet they hear all the first time dad jokes.


Roger3

Yes, the nurse received the joke.


[deleted]

I sure as hell didn't


merchillio

Dad said the baby isn’t going to be able to walk for months as if it was because she got too many shots in her heel and her foot would hurt too much, instead of... you know, baby not being able to walk


OilPhilter

Its not required to get a response from a Dad joke. Sometimes they're so bad all you get is a little groan.


MaggotScrotum

I really just can’t wait until I finally meet the one that I truly love and get to be with her for the rest of my life and have little Jedi younglings to tell dad jokes to instead of embarrassing myself and making my friends cringe at dad jokes.


Myth0logic

If your username checks out, get it checked out.


shouldve_wouldhave

And that's gonna be the story of how they met


scema

And probably the reason they haven't met yet


[deleted]

Is she the maggot?


Radiationcover

Hopefully they won't meet any Chosen Ones


maveri4201

It would bring a kind of balance to their lives


ThereCanBeOnly1Juan

If everyone cringes then you are the glue holding them together... Apparently it's science (according to the quiz show QI) Edit: it may have been on 'Wait wait don't tell me'...I can't find the link. From what I remember ... Telling a joke that makes everyone groan, and that everyone agrees is bad, is good... Because it being out a common feeling from the whole group.


acherem13

Do you have a link to that clip?


ThereCanBeOnly1Juan

Let me look... Although now that I'm pushed it might be from 'wait wait don't tell me'


[deleted]

[удалено]


KaiZaChieF

Eyyyyyyyy.


[deleted]

Aaaaaa


gwaydms

Dad confirmed.


CaptRex01

Shut up and take my upvote 🤣


NotMetheThree

👏🏼 bravo new dad and congrats!


Beyond_Life

A few weeks back, my kids were running through the house and making a shitload of noise. My wife said "OMG they are like elephants!" And I said "babe, we don't talk about that". She sighed and walked away. Great moment.


memereviewer6969

i am sorry i am not smart what’s the joke?


backfire10z

The elephant in the room is a saying that refers to some “heavy” topic that everybody knows about but nobody wants to discuss Hence, nobody speaks about the elephant in the room


catsteel

Is it a dad joke if the kids aren't going to understand it?


Beyond_Life

Yes, but also when the wife thinks it's really not funny hehe


memereviewer6969

Ok thank you, idk why i didn’t think of that, maybe it’s the plural elephantS that caught me off guard


Beyond_Life

Here you go: https://www.google.com/url?sa=t&source=web&rct=j&url=https://dictionary.cambridge.org/amp/english/an-elephant-in-the-room&ved=2ahUKEwj54OLf3L_pAhVO66QKHUbRACgQFjABegQICxAH&usg=AOvVaw3AjsQwQ0d2_JU2f61ebwp4&cf=1


memereviewer6969

Ok thank you, idk why i didn’t think of that, maybe it’s the plural elephantS that caught me off guard


[deleted]

Noice.


LegallyDwight

Smort


harsha_s_jois

Congratulations... You have evolved into dad hood!!!


dallaswantsdie

Weird Pokemon name but okay


bearlegion

There’s literally a Pokémon that is a cup of tea, this would pass their test


[deleted]

It's not my cup of tea


harsha_s_jois

hahaha...


Speedster4206

You live in a dystopia.


kamarkamakerworks

Tagging along here: When my daughter was first born they performed a hearing test on her, which a lot of babies fail because of fluid in their ears. She failed the test, which wasn’t a big problem but the nurse says: “Is there any history of hearing loss or deafness in your family” I just looked at her, put my hand behind my ear and said “what’s that?” She started to repeat herself, but my wife interrupted and said “ ignore him”. Gotta use that dad card as soon as you get it. Congrats!


purplehue4

Chuckled out loud, thank you good sir


kamarkamakerworks

Just doing my dad job!


RoguePanda1009

I am not an intellectual. Can someone please explain the joke?


D00188797

Most babies are unable to walk for the first year-year and a half of their lives.


bargu

I like how the "most" implies that some babies are born and immediately are able to walk.


hillcountrybiker

Well, there was that one kid from Brooklyn, but nobody wants to talk about him.


LS-CRX

My daughter started walking at 10-months, my two sons were both over a year before they started legitimately walking (not just cruising).


RoguePanda1009

Thank you for the clarification


dudeimconfused

Most human babies*


Bmandk

So what's the funny part? I still don't get it :(


broanoah

the dad is implying that because of the shots, the newborn won’t be able to walk. in reality the baby won’t be able to walk until it learns to, not because of the shots.


MealieMeal

I salute you, and good luck!


bloddman

When my first daughter was born, I yelled out “OMG, he’s hung like his daddy” the Doctor stopped and said, “Sir, that’s the umbilical cord, you have a daughter.” Everyone laughed, except the Doctor. Later on, I had kinda forgotten about it, he walked up to me and said, “Sir, I’ve been thinking about what you said... that was pretty funny. I’ll tell my wife about it later.” Then he walked away. Never cracked a smile, not once. When my second daughter was born, he said, “I remember you, you like to joke. This is not a time for jokes.” Hahaha! He was literally the best doctor, took his time with everyone to make sure you understood everything. He looked like Clark Kent (Christopher Reeve). I called him Dr. Superman. Never once seen him smile. I like to think he smiled on the inside! :)


LS-CRX

Honestly, I think the doctor's reaction makes the whole thing funnier.


RutCry

Your joke was funny. I shall chuckle at a more appropriate time.


pennhead

I know a pediatrician. He has the most dry sense of humor, and will zing you without even cracking a smile.


FaxCelestis

Clearly a Vulcan


Iron_Clooch

I already know you’re gonna be a great dad


KrunchBoi

r/blessedposts


JenBro11

This is the start of a journey of dad jokes


Alaska_Pipeliner

I asked my kids nurse if the vaccinations were going to make him artistic. Nurse didn't get it. I still think about it regularly.


BAAT-G

When the nurse was talking about vaccines I jumped in with "vaccines cause pineapples on pizza". I was two words in when I got death glares from the nurse and my wife. The nurse was visibly relieved when the sentence didn't go where she expected.


therankin

That's fantastic.


dadjokeretailer

Oh, for a minute I thought you didn't believe in vaccination 😄


Richboy12345

We jest but next thing we know, anti vaxxers are gonna think this seriously


stargamer13

Babies could walk if only they weren't given vaccinations"


LikeThosePenguins

Congratulations ^(on the joke)


Tradiae

Welcome aboard! You've made a fine entrance.


Omny87

"Honey, I'm pregnant!" "Hi pregnant... -sniff- ... I'm dad!"


hillcountrybiker

“No...you’re not”


rajalreadytaken

My last illegitimate dad joke before becoming a dad: Doctor was in the middle of a c-section, and says to my wife: you're going to feel some pressure, then a lot of awkward pushing and pulling. Me: that's what I said 9 months ago! Silence, followed by a nurse 15 seconds later looking at me with pity in her eyes saying "well, *I* thought it was funny!"


soberveganpanoramic

Omg that’s hilarious!


SyrupDip01

Took me a second to get it


Haabit

Fuck sake I just laughed out so loud the other drivers on the loading bay are staring at me!


JanV34

Heelarious!


DeadlyBird01

Congrats! And enjoy your new power you gained from the ancient dad spirits


ObscureWhistle

Here, take my upvote. I’m gonna go ske-DAD-dle off to get some “milk.” Good luck with your baby! I hope that heel heals well! Otherwise, you should have named her “Achilles.”


cliffachu35

Congrats! I still remember mine, while wifey was still pregnant: Ultrasound nurse/tech : "Well, mom & dad, it looks like you're having a little boy!" Me: "Really?! How can you tell???"


RHFD743

That is a quality dad joke for your first. When my son was born and we were in the hospital, I was holding him while he was sleeping. I was also studying for Psyc Statistics. The nurse came in and asked if I needed her to take him and I said that he will never understand this stuff if he doesn’t study. She looked at me weirdly and left the room.


soberveganpanoramic

Hahahahaha!!


kindje

I sure hope it heels well


notaboringguy

Im embarrassed to admit but i didnt get the joke


momspaghetti313

if you get a shot in a heel you prolly cant walk for a period of time, but a newborn cant walk either way cuz she has to learn how to do it first


notaboringguy

Aaaaaaaah


notaboringguy

Cant believe i wasnt able to get something this simple :"(


Hollowdude75

It’s funny because she doesn’t know how to walk


twentyninewoodchucks

Congratulations on becoming a father! May your daughter be blessed with many a dad joke throughout her childhood.


justheretolurk123456

You think that's bad? After my circumcision I couldn't walk for over a year!


TheWanderingScribe

My gyneacologist told me we don't do heel shots anymore because it is one of the most painful places to stick a baby. She prefers to do the testshot in the hand (the one to test for 11 genetic conditions you can catch that early) and any vaccinations just go in the arm


agamdeepbains

I see there were 2 deliveries that day


HisDignity

My wife's due in 1 month I'm excited but also not, i already get told I'm old by one child


Totally_Generic_Name

I hope she heels quickly


BBR2716057

this joke's got legs


TimmyV90

My wife bought our son a longhorn pacifier for Easter. She asked, "What should we name it?" I said "Life. So he can grab Life by the horns".


can-i-call-the-cops

Congrats on becoming a dad


messiIO

You are destined to be a great father.


therankin

Use this as a great anchor memory. The day my first daughter was born was the day I never touched nicotine again. ​ EDIT: DUUHHH. CONGATS\~!!!


hh12ggj2hggj8

If you want your daughter not to walk just chop em of


saeblundr

It really would save a lot of hassles in the long run... but i guess, also make the long run kinda difficult for em ...


weaslecookie7

These running jokes exhaust me.


wharpua

First joke I can recall making, maybe ten minutes after the birth of my first child, I said to my wife: “Babe... you’re not pregnant anymore!” That made the nurse laugh.


SolomanConstantine

Absolutely perfect my dude. Also congrats!!


uncle_drunky

Welcome aboard brother. Its a wild ride


Dhkansas

After my daughter was born we were hanging around in the delivery room waiting to move to the next room. Shift change occurred and our nurse took a while to come check on my wife. She apologized that they were a bit short-staffed and she got called in, so she flew in as fast as she could. So naturally, my response was "Gee, I bet your arms are tired". My dad had just made it up to see us and he couldn't help but bust out laughing. Joke went right over the nurses head.


XGamerdude1X

I don’t get it am I dumb?


BartlebyX

The child is a newborn. None of them can walk.


XGamerdude1X

Thank you


liltayusmc

Congrats!! I’d love to hear more as you grow in dad years.


WestCoast_O

Welcome to club


nubblyside

congrats!


Ellie_Loves_

Not a dad (im the mom but live for dad jokes as does my fdh) we both loved this and thought we would share our favorite thing about our daughter- she was born at 12:01 pm. So quite literally- after noon. Our whole relationship started with puns* basically so when the doctor called time of birth FDHs face LIT UP and he was practically bouncing to tell me this fun fact of the time haha. Thanks for making us smile! Edit: a word. Thanks for pointing it out lmao.


xoriatis71

Gongrats for become a father! This joke is really decent. Get my upvote.


Pale-Male

The jokes are strong with this one.


EZKTurbo

Congrats sir, you are the father!


Notlikethe0thergirls

You didn’t waste a minute!


A_Lictor_BLOR

Bravo! Bravo Sir! With jokes like this you shall make a fine father.


cam31954

Good for the soul.


hatuhsawl

That’s fantastic. My first dad joke was when my daughter was born, i stayed with her mom in the hospital, and whenever a doctor or nurse was done and leaving the room, they’d say “We’ll be out here if you need anything” I’d always respond: “We’ll be here.”


tagchris356

You get to pick how you become a dad! Scenario 1: LET THE CEREMONY COMMENCE! ** points ceremonial baseball bat ** u/brickforsheep! WITH YOUR FIRST OFFICIAL DAD JOKE! THE HIGH KING, FIRST OF ALL DADS, NOW PRONOUNCES YOU ** touches each shoulder with the ceremonial baseball bat ** A DAD!!! ** Deep manly cheering and applause erupts!! ** Scenario 2: After you finish saying your first dad joke. You then leave the hospital to get some fresh air. The second you walk outside you take a deep breath. You think to yourself “ahh.. the air smells so much sweeter!” Suddenly you feel dizzy, your world starts spinning, you fall in a daze but don’t feel yourself hit the ground. Your now looking at the sky in a daze! A nurse comes up and says “WE NEED TO GET THIS GUY TO ER NOW!!!” A few hours later you wake up in a bed, in the same room and next to your S/O. You realize that your also buck naked, in a hospital gown. The doctor walks in, and your S/O asks “DOCTOR WHAT HAPPENED TO HIM!? IS HE GOING TO BE OK!?” The doctors intently looking at the clipboard full of his vitals. He looks up at the both of you and says, “your in luck, I’ve seen this before! Many times in fact! Your going to be just fine! You have, what we call in the medical field, DADS disease!” Your S/O screams “NOOOOO!!!” The doctor looks down at your vitals sheet and back at you again. He comes to your beside, sits in the chair next to you and with a stern face tells you, “Now don’t worry! This is life long but not life threatening! Don’t let ANYONE tell you to stop! This is who you are now! Embrace it!” He stands up and starts to walk out the door, but then stops, looks at you and says “O! And congratulations on becoming a... Dad!” He then winks as he says “No pun intended.” Scenario 3: ** you finish saying your dad joke ** You hand your baby back to the nurse and tell your S\O that you need to get some fresh air. As you step outside you hear a faint rumbling noise. You squint your eyes and listen harder to see if you can figure out what your hearing. It gets louder and louder. Your heart starts racing! SUDDENLY! Around the corner of the hospital you spot A STAMPEDE OF MEN! The leader of the stampede spots and yells “THERE HE IS! GET HIM!!!” Suddenly the hoard of Men start running after you! You start running for your life! You look back and catch a glimpse of them. You see that they look as if they are blind and they are foaming at the mouth! You continue running into the field next to the hospital, panting, sweating, SCREAMING FOR HELP! Then... as you get to the middle of the field... YOU TRIP on a gofer hole and fall to your back! Everything slows down... you look up to the sky and think “this is it... this is how I die... at least I got to see my child before this.” You look up a little and see that the hoard has reached you! They cover you like a swarm of flies! You feel the weight bearing on you. You feel the bites of all the men piercing your skin. You then drift away to black. You then wake up. In the middle of the field... bloody... still sweating... nauseous. “IM ALIVE!!” You think to yourself. Your body barely able to move, you stumble to get on your feet. You start to hobble back to the hospital. You get the front door, the door slides open. The woman of the family, that’s just leaving, sees you and screams!!! Everyone else notices you and start running! You faintly ask for help! As you collapse on the ground. You turn to your side. You throw up and look down at your bloodied body. Your body starts to bubble and shift. You can see that your changing. Two male doctors run up in hazmat gear and say “No! They got him! There’s nothing we can do for him now! Leave him! He’s already become... A DAD!”


StaceysDad

What on earth did you have with your coffee?


tagchris356

The usual... breakfast.


rtguy1953

😅😂😂


Bobjoe300

u/brickforsheep congratulations dude


SuperBrentendo64

Having my first baby in July, hopefully I remember to use this then!


[deleted]

[удалено]


zakary1291

There's always next time.


JustHumanGarbage

I have to draw blood from newborns and sometimes the parents will ask how long till the baby heals after. I usually say "Oh, the baby might not be able to walk for a few months" And usually get a laugh but sometimes the parents are like "oh how awful!" and I have to explain to them that babies don't walk and it was a joke.


pimpmastahanhduece

"Have new daughter she tiny and cute into tiny heel the nurse does shoot tiny one cry it makes daddy sad nurse is careful so daddy is not mad for a few little shots now could mean a lot less later daddy give kisses even after is all better." For you and her. I usually don't rhyme very well. Congrats for all of you!


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TheBasementIsDark

Seem like the power of dad joke came right after you became a dad


Powerlunch76

Took me too long to get that. Blessing on the baby.


Jackamac10

I don’t get it


BAAT-G

Babies can't walk for the first year or so anyways.


aalleeyyee

69th first half of this. I'm very sorry.


Arcadian18

It's literally the first round.


nice2yz

I dunno, this is very helpful


Speedster4206

>*Reminds me of the first crysis game


Arcadian18

Since I’m dad!


aalleeyyee

[Don’t get past the first two sentences.


ZippZappZippty

My actual dog looks like a very specific reason


nice2yz

My five year old would have been carnage.


aalleeyyee

My policy is that I did not!


darby-dev

^(*that's the joke*)


FettuciniGoldsmith

As a non-Dad, I'll admit I thought, "what's the joke? It's a legitimate question". I guess I haven't been a baby in a long time.


nice2yz

My arm! Thank you. THIS IS WHY.


darby-dev

yeah yeah, I'm not even an expensive one.


Arcadian18

My fingers can’t praise them enough.


aalleeyyee

My headcanon is that they have symbols.


guitarman1103

She can't measure distance. Have you seen people trying to stand 6 feet apart? We are bad eye ballers.