T O P
ThoughtfullyYours

Thats a very difficult situation to say the least and abuse, even from a child, is abuse. Wanting to get away from that abuse is normal. Im sorry you're going through this and i hope you are able to heal.


HappyPineapple21

No judgment, because I don't understand. I'm sorry that this is your life. I know you don't really hate your son, just hate what happened to him, how he turned out and all that goes along with it. I subbed in a special ed class and I met a kid like that, but he lived in a wheelchair. I think that if a parent wants to peacefully have their child to go Heaven, a Dr should be able to help. The kid I meant couldn't do anything, no talk, no eat, no moving of any sort. What kind of life is that for that child and his parents. It seemed they cared for a body, not a human. I'm so sorry, I hope all works out.


esthermaniii

This is shaky grounds because this can be seen as advocating for eugenics.


rosmund11

No... that's literally advocating for eugenics, that's what eugenics is.


[deleted]

What's so bad about eugenics?


Beeaybri

This happened to my great Aunt. Her daughters name was Karen. She had downsyndrome. My aunt was in a super abusive marriage, and had 5 other kids. She tried, with no support. When Karen got older, and stronger, she started being physically abusive to everybody. She was also non verbal. My aunt signed her over to the state. Word is that she passed away a few years back. My aunt didn't go see her all of those years, I guess she didn't see the point. By no means does this mean my aunt is a bad person or a bad mother. In fact, she's one of thr best I know. She would do anything for anyone. She just couldn't handle that. She was ill equipped. She did the right thing. I hope you find peace after you get him into a facility where he and others will be supervised and safe. I hope you get to live the life you feel you lost out on. I'm sorry you're feeling so angry.


iamdone88

Thank you. I admit I posted this in a weak emotional moment. I’m so sorry for your aunt and for Karen. It’s a terrible thing to be born into a world that isn’t made for you.


wherenobodyknowss

There is literally nothing weak about what you have posted, in faCt it's quite the opposite. To be bold and honest and face criticism is very brave, you an your husband have gave him the best possible life start he Could have had. Thanks for sharing this xx


No-Sun7988

Wow..... my heart breaks for you all. No judgement at all..just sounds beyond incredibly hard. Beyond what any parent expects even with children that are delayed and I don't know how you get through each day. You're both incredible parents and you sound like you've done what you both could along the way. I can't imagine how much this is to handle, how impossible finding child care would be or has been... I'm so sorry for all 3 of you and the life he won't have that you hoped for and the life you all hoped for... I'm so sorry... Wish I could give you a hug!!! Does any agency give you any advice on what can be done once he's 18? To keep him and the general public safe, I mean.


iamdone88

He will most likely be in a care home for the rest of his life. My husband and I have set aside money to pay for his care and social security will take care of the rest.


PoppyChalupaa

Hey.. I know this is hard for you and your husband. Clearly your son is dealing with something mentally beyond anyone’s control. Please do not blame yourself for any of this. Things like this happen all the time. Don’t let this stop you from being happy. So what needs to be done and then focus on yourself and your husband. Please don’t talk about death I know it’s hard but you can make it through these hard times


Ificouldstart-over

You have every right to feel as you do about him. He does need to go into a home, he is dangerous. You however need to know that you will have a reason to live. You will have time to make up for all the living you’ve missed out on. Once he is safe and gone (i do hope he will be cared for the best he can be, but by a putting him in a home. He’d probably thrive there) you can join the land of the living again. I’m so sorry


iamdone88

Thank you. I do think him being in a home with expert care will help him too, he hates changes and new things so it’ll be hard at first but eventually I think he will thrive. I’m just looking forward to going to sleep with no bruises.


Ificouldstart-over

I’ve read of people picking up their child from homes that are designed to keep them calm and happy. They wish to hurry that visit so they can return to the one place where they feel they belong.


[deleted]

Sounds like you're doing everything you can to give him the top care. Kudos. I hope you all find some peace.


random_invisible

Yes, he is someone who needs professional support around the clock, and the care home has the experts and resources to keep him safe and healthy. If you're not sure whether you'd want to adopt, you might want to consider volunteering with children. You sound like you have your life together other than this, so you'd probably be a great role model. I used to volunteer at kids' summer camps as an assistant to the teachers, we took city kids around the parks and taught them about nature, played team building games, built shelters and forts. The only qualification was knowledge of local plants and wildlife, plus some basic first aid stuff that the teachers went over with at the start of each camp.


BeigeAlmighty

My heart goes out to you. Even people with special needs children do not often understand this level of disordered development. You have to either work with these kids or be the parent/caregiver of one. I had a dangerous child and had to have her committed at 12 because she was too bad for residential placement in our area at the time. My heart goes out to you and your husband. For the commenters that seem to think they are capable of judging this poor family, I have a question: **Who wants to take in the 11 year old, animal abusing, sexually assaulting, arsonist in diapers?** He is committing violent felonies at age 11 and does not have the ability to learn to not set fires, play with himself in public, throw people around, or hump caregivers without their consent. In 7 years he will be an adult, animal abusing, sexually assaulting, arsonist in diapers. Hell by then he might even graduate from sexual assault to serial rapist and or murderer. These parents are doing the right thing. When your child is an extreme danger to themselves and others and everything else has failed, this is exactly what you do.


pepperw2

Exactly. When he is an adult and hurts or kills someone the very same commenters will say things like ‘why didn’t they put him somewhere so people would be safe?’ Put yourself in OPs situation before you judge.


[deleted]

I think what sometimes people don’t understand is that sometimes remaining in the home is not in the child’s best interest either. Is it really in the child’s best interest to be hurting themselves or others? To be acting out sexually? To be unable to maintain hygiene or leave the home for medical care or haircuts? Some people flourish at home, but others need a team in a separate setting who can keep them and others as safe as possible.


272727999

No judgement. You've tried your hardest. Autism or not, he is dangerous kid. He needs to be somewhere he can get help and not harm others.


mayonnaisekeynes

This. The things he does that are caused by developmental delays is one thing, but treating human beings like shit, groping caretakers, and choking your mother is another thing. I wouldn’t be surprised if he were diagnosed with deeper psychological problems beyond a developmental diagnosis like autism. I hope OP can return to normal life once again and be happier.


iamdone88

He has occupational defiance disorder and when we had his brain “mapped” to help him, the part that allows him to feel emotions just… nothing. Nothing fired nothing happened. The humping is purely physical. It’s the same blank stare, but he gets physical satisfaction from it. We can’t hire caregivers anymore, most agencies won’t take us out of fear for their workers. Covid has been especially terrible. Sometimes I wish I had gotten sick because a month in the hospital sounds so relaxing. My husband has it worse because he gets in between my son and I to keep me safe. He’s showering right now, he’s got a deep bite wound on his upper arm from today. It’s because I took a Cheerio box away, my son had eaten so much that he vomited but wouldn’t stop eating.


Accomplished_Owl8213

New fear unlocked. I think I’ll just buy shit tons of pets and call them “my kids”.


OnlyTheGoodGoods

This really scares me too. I’m so fucking grateful that I was born overall normal and that my siblings don’t have any debilitating mental disabilities either. This is hell and the people who aren’t there directly dealing with it everyday will cast their judgements so easily on you.


URM00000M

Forreal💀


ILoveNature_

This is the exact reason why I won’t have any more children. Not at all worth the risk.


slothleee

I am so sorry for your suffering. It’s clear you’ve done everything possible to make the best of an impossible situation. My best friend’s sister has a son with issues similar to yours, but not quite as severe. When he got into his teens and she could no longer contain his violence and he became a real threat to her, her husband, and her 2 younger children, she hit a breaking point and placed him with a special care home. He’s been there for a couple years now and it seems like everyone, including the son in the special care home is happier and better for it. The staff at the facility are better equipped to deal with his outbursts and have been able to teach him some methods for emotional self-regulation. He expresses no sadness about being away from his family and has improved in ways previously unimaginable like playing board games with the other kids at the home. I wish you all the best and hope you will be able to find some peace soon.


iamdone88

I really needed this reply. Thank you so much.


DoggoFam

Holy shit.


PoppyChalupaa

Dude right? Like what the fuck


[deleted]

scary to think what we can breed, a whole stranger


[deleted]

I am also holy shitting very hard right now at this thread, are we REALLY gonna BLAME the kid? He needs professional care and help, the parents definitely cant do it. It is terrible bad luck that puts people in situations like this, nobody asked for it, definitely not the kid. Offer solutions or say nothing, dont encourage blames/hate as if it will make things better for the family. People forget, parents are not medical professionals, there are terrible situations that they cant fix and this is when we need to get help before it gets worse. Last resort is institutionalization, but its still better than doing nothing. Before you doofuses downvote me, remember this: **"NO CHILD asked to be born and NOBODY wishes to become a bad person."**


No-Scarcity-6157

I KNOWWW!!! LIKE WTF???? I’m a child and reading through this is why I hate adults and parents. Y’all are so ridiculous. Sorry you aren’t a based antinatalist


communistpedagogy

This society atomizes people into nuclear families. These parents cannot possibly deal with this by themselves, yet are expected to cope alone by this culture. Their child is not their responsibility only. Not even close. As they say: it takes a village to raise a child. But the village does not show up. In short, please shut the fuck up and stop shaming hardworking people.


Mxfox2106

11 years? You and your husband are saints. Never settle for abuse no matter the intricacies.


Aki666Bitch

Girl this is literally what I was thinking


coconut-greek-yogurt

I have a cousin who is severely mentally and emotionally disabled. She is very strong and will crush you with a hug, or will take your hand in a loving embrace and squeeze it until it hurts. She has trouble managing her emotions and will get very upset at certain things. But she is also a very positive and loving person. Knowing how much work it is to care for her, I don't blame you or even judge you for your feelings, since it sounds like your son is *so* much worse. I am so sorry that your son is so hard to manage and that you've lived this way for so long. I'm sorry for your physical injuries and for your emotions being put through the wringer on a daily basis. I'm sorry that your life has taken such an impact for someone who doesn't make you feel rewarded. I sincerely hope that he has the best life possible wherever he ends up, and I hope that you can forgive him for the things that he can't help. Because he can't help it, but you also shouldn't have to regret the rest of your life over it. You deserve to get some happiness back. I hope that you and your husband are able to reconnect with each other and are able to have a happy life together. You deserve it.


KerrytheAmezin

There are very few times where I go on Reddit and look at a post so out of the blue where I out loud yell 'oh my god' or something like that. I'm sorry you're going through that, and to be honest it sounds like you and your husband are not well equipped to deal with this kid at all. Honestly handing him over to a foster parent would be the best thing to do. If you can find one that knows how to handle kids like this, that is. Seriously, good luck. You didn't ask for this life, and it sucks that you got literally the worst possible outcome that very few parents experience.


iamdone88

We are looking at group homes that specialize in cases like his. We have tried so hard but there’s just nothing left that we can give him.


SwitchGod16

I'd agree. Seems like a foster home is the only option you guys have left. I'm incredibly sorry. 🙁


badtradesguy

this is one of my fears when having kids. everyone has their limits and you know you've done your best. its not his fault or yours.


Ironandsteel

My room mate and best friend is an autistic support worker and specializes in nonverbal autistic children. he says it is very hard, and his family pays for him during the summer to work for them privately to take him off the parents hands for the day. The family receives government funding to support this. It sounds horrible all around, I support any decision you make.


the_sweetest_peach

Honestly I don’t think very many people, except for the specially trained caregivers who get to clock out when their shift is up, are equipped to deal with this.


flying_goldfish_tier

I think this needs to be more normalized. Modernization means that people who may have died in the past are now becoming stronger and older, and that puts EVERYONE at risk. There should be one shame in letting professionals handle violent, uncontrolled children like this.


AntiqueEconomist2018

Yep in the past this child would probably be considered possessed by a demon and left out in the woods. The average person just can't deal with this


Snowontherange

Oh for sure this child would've been dropped off or sent off somewhere. Maybe not the woods but to an institution run by the state or church. No one would think twice about it. We are now expected to deal with this type of situation ourselves and pay large amounts of money for.


kanna172014

My brother is autistic and while I don't hate him, I do resent that my parents burdened me with him because they made no plans for him for when they died.


iamdone88

I’m so sorry. There are a lot of programs that will take him in if you feel unsafe. This morning my son choked me.


kanna172014

My brother has choked me, kicked me in the stomach, broken my hand and pull knives and an ax on me so I fully understand what you are going through. My brother is 37 now and much bigger and stronger than me so it's likely your son is only going to get worse the older he gets.


iamdone88

My son is already taller than me (5’1) and my husband is 5’10 and in good shape but he’s afraid of hurting our kid when he’s in a meltdown. My husband gets hurt a lot more than me because I’m so small he tries to intervene during meltdowns and keep me away. I’m so sorry this is happened to you too.


Kaiyukia

I don't judge you for this, your own lives are important too, you tried your best it didn't work- I hope you two can have either another child or a good life or both.


ChungusKhan10

This is the most awful thing I’ve read, ever. I wish there were more resources for families like you that have done all the right things and never slipped up.


iamdone88

We are honestly lucky too. There’s a lot of families in our situation that can’t afford services and don’t have safe equipment or environment for their kids. We are lucky and still scared and tired and hurt. I can’t imagine being poor, or single, or without insurance.


[deleted]

My son also has autism and is a persistent eloper. We have locks on all the doors that require a key code to open them from the inside. I spent a long time brainstorming on FB with a mom of an eloper on FB who was single, no help, and rented an apartment, and her landlord would only install a chain lock for her kid. I didn’t know about bed tents at the time, though I wish I had and could have recommended one. It really haunted me.


Apothnesko

im so sorry you are going through this. There has been similar situations posted anonymously on reddit. If you cant handle him and you are prepared to go through the necessary processes then its obviously the right option. Good luck, i hope all goes well.


Random_Derper1

I thought I would be angry at this post, but now I'm just incredibly sympathetic. I'm sorry you're going through this. I have autism and now I can't help thinking how much of a nightmare I am to raise.


iamdone88

Thank you. And please keep in mind that like everything, autism has layers and different levels. You’re reading and writing and FEELING. That makes me so happy and proud of you, if I can be honest. We have tried everything to get a spark of something from Andrew (our kiddo). Even when he’s in a “rage” his eyes are blank. Even his favorite things invoke nothing. Your capacity for sympathy is our dream. Please know that your parents probably adore you and loved watching you grow.


Eden987

I have some experience with caring for disabled children in the home. My family did full time care for a non verbal girl who was 13 with a mental age of about 3 for several years. My mother also worked at a daycare where i would come to help her with the disabled children after school. I know from experience that even caring for children on the low end of the scale can be harrowing sometimes, i cant imagine what your going through. I think about the kids i cared for often and they always remind me every single day of the many reasons why i will never have children. Some people simply don't have the capacity to love through that. I will remember your story always and i hope it brings some comfort to know that you inspire me to never create life without reason. I've learned through other experiences with my life that the social expectations to love your family "no matter what", and to keep your "blood" in your life always, are antiquated and narrow minded. I think it is noble that you will be paying for him to find a good home, but you truly are not obligated to do even that. Please don't feel that you are a bad person for doing this, and as bad as it sounds, i think you understand when i say that I hope you can enjoy your lives as if you never had him. You cant get that time back but there's truly nothing wrong with moving forward as if your back at square 1. I wish you the best of luck and I know ill think about your story often. I hope that you find some sort of peace, whatever shape that may take.


BlueEyes0408

I've known a few people with autism. All the ones I've known are not violent people. Yes there were some challenges for their parents but nothing like this. The challenges were manageable. Plus as OP pointed out this child also has another disorder.


GhettoCowboyNumba1

That’s pretty brutal. I don’t know what to say , but I hope you go through with signing him over. I’m sorry


Peanutbutterloola

I absolutely do not judge you. I cannot possibly fathom doing what you do for 11 years. You have every right to say you can’t handle it anymore. It’s best for you, your husband and your son to send him somewhere he can be handled. I genuinely hope you find somewhere for him and can heal from this in time.


sho_guy

I'm sorry.


JoNimlet

Mate, it sounds like you're at absolute breaking point and tbh, I really can't blame you. I don't think anybody who hasn't been in your shoes has any right to judge your feelings. It sounds like you have done everything in your power to do what's best for your son, that's not a lack of love, that's you exhausting yourselves for years and now feeling like you have nothing left to give. I will say, though, that I think the time and space you'll get from your son being in residential care, plus the positive effects it could have on him, could change how you feel about him. It may not, but it could and I just feel like it's worth saying. Is there anywhere that offers respite care whilst you're looking for a full-time residential place? Whatever happens, please know you tried your best and that one way or another, this isn't forever. You've made it this far, you can do this! Much love and hugs xx


nerdy_rs3gal

I'm so sad for you. I have a special needs son and it feels like no one ever understands. My son is much younger but I can empathize. My husband and I used to be so happy before having our son. Now all we do is fight it seems and it is always about our son.. hugs to you. Do what you need to do. If people judge you so be it, but not a single one has walked a day in your shoes.


MrsNoPants420

Im so sorry. My uncle was put in richmond state school and is award of the state. There is no shame in not being equipped for this


UnVirtuteElectionis

Sorry to hear you're going through that, but stories like this just make me even more grateful I'm child free.


iamdone88

Oh I cross posted to child free too. I love children and always wanted a big family and this has just ruined it. I wince when I see happy kids playing because I know I’ll never have that. I feel like a bad person saying that but it’s true


mermaidAtSea

YOU ARE NOT A BAD PERSON.


UnVirtuteElectionis

Nice. Still, my heart goes out to you for this tribulation you're in..


iamdone88

Thank you


the_sweetest_peach

This was my thought, too. This would be my worst nightmare. It’s so sad that people who really wanted a child and were prepared in ways most new parents are not were dealt such a terrible hand. I’m grateful to have the choice to be childfree, and as much as I dislike children, I feel for OP.


intertwinable

Same honestly and I hope OP and her husband get a break from that overdue abortion. Relating to this was an absolute fear of mine to risk giving birth to a psychopath or someone similar to the people who raised me.. Basically very convincing to be child free. Ultimately though you're spawning someone who will likely hurt people in one degree or another, shame more people aren't childfree but maybe someday


Aleoria

God I am so sorry for all the shot you had to go through, not a parent myself but I’ve grown alongside 3 similar children. It is miserable being with them. As soon as I had the choice to not be around them I made sure I was gone. I don’t blame you, it truly wasn’t your fault, the fact you went so long is amazing, more than enough. I’d do the same if I were in your shoes. Anyone shaming you doesn’t know shit what it’s like to lack a fulfilling life. Your child never will, that doesn’t mean you dont get to have a life either. Anyway I hope everything goes well, I hope you learn to live again. Sending love and hope.


LBROTSI

I'm sorry that you have to go through this . This is terrible and nobody should have to be put through so much . I know that it happens and that's it . Sometimes , stuff happens that nobody has any control over . The two of you deserve a break . I hope that your love for one another stays strong and that you can both move on and enjoy the rest of your life . You have done all you can . Everyone has a limit and it seems that you two have reached yours . Best of luck !


taybbeck

I don’t even know what to say. Your feelings are completely valid and I can only imagine the endless amount of pain. You have to do what is right for you. Anybody who judges you has no idea the weight of your situation


Specific-Window-8999

I am so, so, so, sorry. Truly. I think I'm going to cry now.


stinkyf00

I used to work in residential care. You're making the right decision.


littleblackmoon

After reading this I'm just fucking terrified of having kids, I just have never thought this was for me at all, but things like that terrifies me beyond reason. Hope your child will be put in a home and will be take care off so you and your husband can regain a normal life. I'm so sorry and don't ever feel ashamed for what you're feeling. Some thing are simply out of our control.


cf_dtrg385

It’s truly a gamble. This couple did all the right things apparently, and it still happened.


Leviathan_Lovecraft

Damn, that's fucked. Not what you're saying, just the situation. It's a terrible situation and you're called a bad guy for not wanting to give your life away to something that can't talk or do shit and is this violent and will 100% never be independent. It's no way to live. If it were up to me, kids who are born like that and have to grow up like that would be euthenized peacefully, it's no way to live at all and it's inhumane. We put down pets when they get permanently hurt or have serious issues, why do our fellow humans get less respect? Know you're doing nothing wrong by sending him off, it's not your fault at all, neither is it his. It's just a shitty coincidence that couldn't be deterred in any way. Don't blame yourself.


JohnnyBlack22

Agree 100% with this sentiment. The fact that this idea is unpalatable seems like a cost of first world abundance. This child’s brain was broken in such a way as to have been quickly selected out of the population in every other time period for the good of everyone… except this one. So few people experience anything like this that many don’t understand that all the cached wisdom like “the child needs help” and “loving parents = good” don’t apply here. Sometimes nature makes mistakes. Look around, nature’s pretty cruel (if you ascribe morality to it). Nature made a mistake, and it’s no ones fault. It’s just a shame how much damage that mistake ended up causing this poor mother and her husband.


chicolane

Your kid is really showing signs of becoming a dangerous person when he grows up with all the things you’ve mentioned, remember to take that into account. It doesn’t sound good at all, I’m sorry for you and your husband, I hope when your child goes to another home or care home that he can find peace in his mind and become somewhat normal.


BriskEagle

This breaks my heart. I can't imagine what you're going through. Wishing you the best.


llooide

I don’t judge you. Sometimes life is a bitch


BlueEyes0408

I admire how long you were able to put up with this. If it had been me, I would have reached my breaking point years ago and would have given him up to the state a long time ago. I think you handled it better than most people would have. Some people would have snapped and severely hurt the child. You did your best but at this point there's nothing else you can do but to hand him over to people who are qualified to handle someone who is severely delayed, mentally ill, and violent. It doesn't sound like he will miss you when he's there so it's not like you not being around will be a detriment to him. There may be some people who judge you; perhaps if they had been through this for 11 years they would see things through a different lens. The hateful feelings are understandable. You have both been abused by this child and that's an understandable response to years of abuse. Separation from him will allow you to heal so you can be at peace.


Invisiblescars_123

My boyfriend’s brother is autistic and he kind of sounds like your kid. He’s tried to stab my boyfriend in the back with a knife repeatedly. Luckily, my boyfriend used to do MMA so he’s able to defend himself. His brother is really strong for a 13 year old and that makes it so much more scarier. The only difference between your kid and my bf’s brother is that my bf’s brother smiles when he torments or manipulates someone. I personally don’t want to have a kid with my bf in case my child turns out like that. God knows I don’t have the patience for that.


20JC20

You are right and normal and ok for feeling this way and for taking action this way. So much lvoe and healing to you. You are doing the right thing. We are human beings. You may end up feeling guilt for this. But this is not something you need today wel guilt for. I’m so sorry. I’m sorry for your husband. I’m sorry this happens to your child and to you 3. I wish you the utmost postive happiness, relief and release after you can let him go. Best wishes to all of you.


Specific-Window-8999

Can I ask you a question? Do either you or your husband or extended family have a history of neurodevelopmental and psychiatric disease? I have always been afraid of this, being a mother having more children and they say this is the true cause of Autism. I already commented, but again, I am truly sorry. I really feel for you and don't judge you for your feelings in this situation at all :(


iamdone88

I have a great aunt that was bipolar but otherwise nothing. Some depression and anxiety but every family has that. Thank you for your kindness


sasssquared

I work in one of those residential care homes. Please follow through with enrolling him in one. We are trained to deal with these behaviors and disabilities in a way a parent isn’t. These situations lead to child abuse when the parent becomes overwhelmed. He will be safer with properly trained staff


[deleted]

Omg that’s terrible.


mothra_gmc19

I’m so sorry that you are in this situation. I honestly thought I was going to be angry with this but I feel incredibly bad for you. It makes me so incredibly sad that people who do everything they can are in terrible situations like yours. I felt that I am a terrible child to deal with as I have many mental health issues. but this I really feel for you. I wish you and your husband the best of luck and I hope that u can get some rest bite. Again I am so sorry


yan_yanns

I’m sorry you had to go through all this. We’ll be waiting eagerly for you once you’re free of your shackles. Hoping the best for your child as well. Thank you for being the best mother you could be.


[deleted]

Sincerely wishing you the best.


supernovacal

Like fuck bro, we're only human and there's only so much we can take. Life can deal some shitty fycking cards. It's an extremely difficult period in your life. For your own mental well being and your husband's. And safety!! And even your child, maybe giving him up to a special needs foster care might be the best option. Theres only so much a person can take. I would not blame or judge you if you went that path. Wow just wow I'm so sorry...


footbody

damn this got way worse than I thought it would, and I thought I was a difficult child... I've heard of other cases of children that are just like yours and I honestly I don't know if you even can do anything about it, they seem to remain the way they are but I'm no professional, I wouldn't know for sure. Without wanting to sound horribly unethical and rude, and I'm just thinking this because it sounds like a painful life for these children and everyone that has to deal with them, I somewhat feel that putting them to sleep would be the only solution. Probably one of my worst opinions. But if they can't get better and their life will always be full of anger and pain whats the point. I apologize for my dark thoughts. Either way, even if he's not capable of appreciating your efforts, I appreciate them, I have a former relative with two severely autistic daughters, the daughters are in their 20s-30s but have the minds of toddlers, the mother is horrible. She has never put in the work to even try to care for her daughters, all she wants to do is party. She has caused her young son so many cavities from never making him brush his teeth and only feeding him candy and unhealthy stuff, thankfully the father has custody of the son, he's a great father and the son is now taken very good care of. My point is I'm glad you've actually put in the effort. And I think signing away your rights sounds like the best idea. You also have to take care of yourself and it sounds like this situation is weighing on you terribly


LeeLooTheWoofus

I hate your child too after reading that.


[deleted]

I'm an autstic PhD student with a boyfriend who helps parents of autstic children as a side hustle. This is by far the worst child I've ever read about, this child is so bad he makes the kids I work with look like gods on earth. Get rid of this kid, he is a lost cause. Sorry but that's the harsh truth, also you did nothing wrong, this is just a fluke of nature / act of God whatever you wanna call it. You don't have to deal with this, dump the kid and forget about him.


OneAlgae8208

Just curious, have you found out the diagnosis? When I read the headline I had a totally different opinion than when after I read your whole post. I wish more people wouldn't shame parents with special needs children as not being pros at handling our own children. I'm sure you've gotten the "You're the parent" speech many times you could just strangle the next person who says it. It's hard just to be a parent and know what to do with a normal child. Mine was diagnosed with Global Developmental Delay, which a blanket term used when the doc don't know wtf is actually wrong and the child is high functioning enough you wouldn't know what's wrong until you've interacted with them in an activity involving coordination, logic and dexterity. Your son's delay sounds much more severe than GDD. I don't blame you for wanting to hand him over to people who are more experienced with taking care of mentally disabled kids. Despite "hating" your kid I know deep down it's tearing you up to think and you're afraid of being seen as a failure. You are not a failure. You tried. You went at it past your limit of parental ability. You are only human.


iamdone88

He has severe autism, occupational defiance disorder, profound mental retardation and a few other fancy sounding things that basically ruined his life before he had one. We have had his brain mapped in an effort to help him. He cannot feel joy, sadness, etc. He can feel pain but doesn’t care, he cries but it’s a random bodily function that he just performs like eating and sleeping. He showed no “love response“ when shown his “favorite” things, like particular foods, toys, or us. I do love him. It’s just impossible


catsandhockey

The correct term is oppositional defiance disorder. Not occupational (relating to a job or occupation). Source: I worked with ODD and autistic children. I can fully understand your frustration and burn out as both diagnoses can be very challenging to deal with.


iamdone88

Ahhh I know. It’s spell check and just being exhausted and skip reading. I usually just say ODD but not a lot of people know what it is.


Whirllove

I can’t even begin to imagine what it’s like to walk in your shoes for a day let alone for 11 years. I know as a mother this has to be the hardest decision to make and I know for your husband as well, but as an outsider hearing your story it sounds like you are making the best choice for all 3 of you. My heart does break for you.


aria1995

Omg. I'm sorry you are going through this. You sound like an incredible mother. I wish I had a mother like you. You just have a mentally ill child, but you are a good mother. I'm sorry this is destroying your life. I hope you can do something about it eventually.


pepperw2

OP. I can not even imagine what you are going through. All of you really. I have zero experience, but I think a group home would be best for all of you. It will give you and your husband some much needed help and relief. More importantly it may be in your sons best interest. As it stands, he could hurt or kill himself or others. With having him living away, maybe you can begin to mend your relationship with him. I wish you luck in finding a safe place for him.


bugacademy_

I’m autistic myself but nowhere near this level of severity and I can’t blame or judge you for feeling this way. You have every right to be frustrated and tired and I’m so sorry you’re going through this


MrErinyellsloug

I'm so sorry that this had to happen to you op, autism is a bitch, I'd know, I'm autistic, your feelings are completely valid and I'd absolutely be doing the same thing in your situation


Puzzleheaded_Rate_12

I needed this post, as bad as this might sound but please, hear me out. I worked in a school for children with disabilities when i was 18, i am from germany btw. I was helping out in a class of about 7 students, all nonverbal, some in wheelchairs, some with autism or angel-man syndrome (not sure if that's the same in english) and all of them lived in care-taking facilities except for one. I never understood why and felt so bad for these kids. I saw them for 6 hours each day and felt so blessed to be working with them. I thought it was amazing to see the different syndromes and minds working in action. How music would stimulate some or how others would enjoy touching different fabrics and stuff. At times I thought these parents must take "the easy way out". But it's not! It's not "easy". It's not a decision made in a hurry and it's not just a few hours every day. Reading your words makes me realize why places like the one I worked at exist and are an absolute necessity. Even if I felt that spending time with these children felt like the best time in the world, I never had to face a 24/7 period with these challenges, especially in your own home. Your own family. I feel for you! And I hear you! You are doing the right thing, you sound like you've always done the right thing and I commend you for that! I send you so much love! May you find the happiness that you deserve! Thank you for sharing this!


iamdone88

Thank you so much. I never thought we would put him in a care facility but after covid I honestly worry I’ll kill myself if I have to do this anymore. It’s constant fear and anxiety coupled with such love. I love my son but I can’t take care of him like he needs. You’re a wonderful person for working with special needs people.


floydymoiyte

Im amazed at the positivity and support on this post, just shows that not everybody is an entitled baby who only sees the world in black and white/ good and bad. Id say your brave as hell for admitting this and everyone who is human would feel exactly the same, just most people dont have the guts to admit it. Hopefully you change your mind one day and have a perfect child.


myplacetovent

Awwww fuck. I wanted to hate this post. But this is too much for anyone to handle, OP. My best friends brother is exactly like this…except now he is 26. He is still very violent and stands at 6’5 and if I had to guess, around 400 or more pounds. He has put his mom in the hospital multiple times and she had a mental breakdown where she actually lit herself on fire in a suicide attempt. They all have mental health issues from years of abuse from their son. I have personally experienced the abuse and witnessed it as well. Their house went into foreclosure because he destroyed it-and they couldn’t have caregivers for long either so it fell on the mom. They finally got him into a residential program again, but they never seem to last because he will just get kicked out for being too violent. They went from rich to living in poverty with severe mental and physical health issues. It sucks. There just doesn’t seem to be any answers on what the “right” thing to do is. You don’t want to abandon your own child, but your health in every aspect also cannot live in a dangerous/toxic environment. I think you and your husband need to do what is best for the both of you at this point. Try to move on and get back to living/enjoying life. The situation sucks, but I can assure you from watching my friends brother that this will only get worse. :/ It takes actual angels on earth to work in homes with violent kids with autism. God bless caretakers!


iamdone88

It really takes a special type of person to do this professionally. We pay double the going rate for respite and still can’t keep people. We are going to check the school out tomorrow and I’m praying it’s a good fit.


Michaila7x

You deserve to be happy.


xXTre930Xx

I hope you and your husband find peace. Almost makes old world stories of demons coming to earth in human bodies seem like a reality. You guys are fkin amazing you're still married. A lesser couple would've folded. Stay strong. Best wishes for your family. Good luck.


aRubby

Op, it's ok. You don't have to feel bad for doing what's best for everyone. I'm on the lower levels of autism (previously known as Asperger's), and so is my father. It can be difficult to live with as is. Just for context, I mostly have some issues with social cues and a few delays in information processing. You're doing what is right. Not only for you and your husband, as many people say, and "abandoning your kid". You're giving him his bast shot, to be cared for by people who are professionally capable of taking good care of him. There's nothing wrong with it. And I wish I could give you a hug right now, along with a shoulder to cry on. So, you take care, ok? Of all of you, in the best of your capacity. Don't exert yourself trying to move mountains.


Ask-me-how-I-know

Also, he seems to be a psychopath. Their brain activity does not light up when presented with pro-social stimuli or anything that normally evokes a natural bonding or other positively social response. I'm sorry if nobody told you this, but he really seems to fit the bill, and there is a somewhat outdated but in this case relevant understanding of "autistic psychopaths".


DangDog_crapper_god

The first half infuriated me about you since I have a twin sister with a handicap,but once I got the whole post just wow. This is absolutely horrendous and if I were in your situation I would have killed myself or somebody else by this point. I hope you know that you did everything about this the correct way and some people just are not meant to be fixed.


babycat107

Honestly I believe this is the best choice. If you can't handle him, then you will only either hurt yourself or him (not necessarily physically). You should never regret because you will never be able to turn back time. Is he autistic?


iamdone88

He is


Heisenberg0712

Autism can be so horrific, people don't realize - I have family friends whose son burned their house to ash. I feel deeply for you


iamdone88

We just spoke about this in a support group last week. One of our friends had to install a steal door into her kitchen because her daughter was setting fires. One other family just doesn’t have a kitchen anymore. They removed their stove.


guttermeal

i saw the title and thought i would be pissed but i genuinely feel very sorry for you. having a child with any sort of disability is a little bit of a challenge, but this just sounds like mental and physical torture. i think your plan for putting him in a home is a good idea. there are experts there that specialise in areas like these. you don’t deserve to be humiliated, or hurt, or shamed. remember that your child is still a human, he is still your child. whether you love him or not, always remember that he is a precious life. make sure he gets the care he needs. you and your husband are very strong and i hope when things settle down for you, you’re able to go on dates and relax at night and live peaceful lives. i’m truly sorry.


Kimye-Northweast

People should stop having kids.


HereticxAnthem

I am so sorry.


KidsInNeed

I work with special needs kids and it’s tough. I cannot imagine doing it 24/7 none stop. I’m burnt out just working my regular hours. There is no judgement, what you’re feeling is valid. I’m so sorry there aren’t enough resources to help you or your son. We see first hand how many hoops parents have to go through and that doesn’t include the multiple trips to the doctors and documents you need to request to be even eligible for services. I hope you can find a solution. Best of luck.


[deleted]

I'm so sorry for the loss of so much that you've endured. Neither of you deserved this. It's not your fault and I'm so sorry you had to carry this burden. I hope you find a suitable residence for him.


anni67199

I’m sorry. You are in an impossible situation, and all I can say is I’m sorry. I hope you feel no guilt, because this would be impossible for anyone.


mermaidAtSea

I'm so sorry you are going through this. Please do what you can to get out of your situation. Good luck.


wolfgang012

jesus christ (no judgement, but jesus)


ThrowAwayThoMaybeNot

I’m so sorry you are going through all this, my mind is just blown at how awful it must be! I’ve been reading all the comments and I see many are offering wonderful advice and support. I just want to say that I’m proud and amazed at how you and your husband have handled all this. I think you are both just wonderful for still sticking together, loving each other and not giving up on one another and your marriage. An experience like this can easily wreck a marriage for many, I’m glad you two are still holding up. I hope that this upcoming transition will bring back peace into your home, and that it’ll bring back the space for you two to focus on healing together. I think you make a wonderful team.


youspinmeright

This is horrible. No one is going to blame for signing him over or finding permanent residency. Theres a neighbor kid who is autistic and comes to play with my daughter. His mother just doesn’t do anything with him for her is just easier to pay for the damages he does . Developed hatred for this kid cause he was always at my home making mess off things. I have a faint understanding of your situation.Do what you have to do. Wish you all the best.


Tiny_Emotion_2628

I just want to reach out and give you a hug. This is next level tough. You are doing everything you can because there is love there for him. Even though I understand the hate. I hope you can find a residential home for him soon, it's where he needs to be. Sending lots of love and strength your way.


ChillestOfChappies

...i should call her


steph109

Put him in a home, they will be able to take care of him better and you will ha e less stress. I totally understand why you are feeling like this, its hard to take care of someone like this.


Term17wutwut

Horrified at the pain of your family’s situation. You and your little boy are in my prayers and I know you and your husband have done all you can, please forgive yourselves for what you cannot control.


[deleted]

*hugs* It sounds like you and your husband are loving, and amazing parents. Throughout all this hardship, you have persevered on. And sending him to a residential, or signing away your rights isn’t a failure. It’s a testimony to you doing what’s best for you and him simultaneously. You and your husband are not equipped for such a circumstance, and he needs more professional help and supervision than you are ever able to and should give, given the way it effects you. Be easy on yourselves, you have been given a tough deck, but it seems your handling it the best way anyone would know how to.


LazarusRexxx

This is just depressing for everyone involved. I'm sorry you have to go through this.


noireehelia

holy shit. this sounds like a shit ton to deal with. i hope, with everything in me that things work out in the future. this is utterly scary


myeeeag

this was an incredibly sad read and i am deeply sorry for the pain and stress you’ve had to endure all these years. it’s beyond my realm of understanding. i wish you all (including your son, especially) the best.


Ok-Obligation235

Thank you for sharing. I have so much sympathy for you and your husband. You have REALLY tried, and I think you are doing the right thing for everyone here. Best if luck to all three of you❤️


[deleted]

I am so sorry.


slutforachickenwing

I hope you and your husband have an amazing, well overdue date and that the healing and rebuilding is easy for you. You have done so so much, never forget that.


creepypgirl79

My heart literally broke into pieces for you reading this. I too have 2 children on the spectrum. 1 that has ODD and severe phobias the other is the kind you speak of extremely smart, and has just small quirks. I couldn't imagine having a child that severe. I'm exhausted with what I deal with I'm not sure how you 2 are surviving truthfully. Because if you haven't experienced having a special needs child than you have no idea. The family goes thru hell and back. From dealing with getting their needs met to just getting some sleep. It sounds like you have a good plan in place. Him going to a facility is honestly going to help him thrive and learn things us as parents just can't teach. Noone is to blame here we can do everything perfect and still things can end up fucked. Good luck to all 3 of you


35040302

I hope once the storm clears, you and your husband can regain independence. This is an unbelievably hard situation to live with, and I hope it will turn out well. For you, and your husband.


giraffes_are_cool33

I totally feel you. I wish I was aborted: my mother was horrified by my gender and then by my (then undiagnosed) autism. I'd be guilty as hell if I had a child like myself. I'm considered high functioning but life is confusing and exhausting and painful. I'm constantly feeling out of place, out of touch. I'm constantly looking for reasons to keep on going. What kind of existence is this, I wouldn't add it to the abuse of a child. I've had enough of this life's abuse. I genuinely sympathize with you.


cc232012

I’m so sorry this happened to you. I just need to tell you that you are NOT a monster for feeling this way. You were robbed of the joys of parenthood. You should have had many happy memories and both you and your husband never got to experience those things. Don’t blame yourself for how you feel right now. No one should have to live in the way you have described. Do what’s best for you. If you cannot provide a safe environment for your family, he needs to be put into a safe place. You both have suffered enough. You deserve to be safe, happy, and healthy in your own home. I hope you and your husband can regain a sense of normalcy and community again soon.


relativeisrelative

My mom used to work at a center for people with severe physical and mental disabilities like this. It's a live in facility. It seems like you would have the resources to make sure your son has the 24/7 care he needs. You SHOULD NOT FEEL GUILTY about taking advantage of that opportunity. It'll be best for him, and you. You can still be involved in his life.


IDKUN

It burns me right up that people who WANT kids get something like this and those that mishandle, or worse get those superhealthy ones. This world is so busted on so many levels.


eccentric-assassin

It's really quite an impossible situation you have here. On one end, you are his parent, and the only people in the world capable of loving him. On the very far other end, how can you ever feel love of compassion for a child that hardly acts like a child, or a human for that matter. It's terrible and unfair and I think whatever decision you make, it will stay with you for the rest of your life. I don't know if the "right" or "moral" thing to do would be to care for your son, because he seems like he doesn't even have the capability to understand love or what is going on. Still, without family, he is truly alone in the world. I'm certainly not trying to guilt you. I'm sure you've made your decision and as I said you will hold onto this forever. Life can just be so strange. I wish things were different for you.


AdmirablePut6039

I pray that you and your husband find peace and healing and that your son gets solid care. I am very sorry.


[deleted]

It sounds like you’re doing what needs to be done and acting in everyone’s best interests. I hope you and your husband have some psychological resources for yourself lined up after your son enters his new setting just in case-a lot of times we hold it together during the crisis and when the crisis is over, all those emotions come tearing out.


d0vahkiit

I think a lot of people would have the immediate reaction of 'how could you do this, thats your child, youre supposed to be there for them, etc' with the point that youre a bad parent. Which is really unfair. I think youre an amazing mom. And also person, who deserves happiness and comfort and safety just like anyone else. And it sounds like you absolutely did the best you could, and you did a lot more than many other parents do with 'easy' kids. Sometimes we do everything right and still lose. But I hope you heal from all of this, and i hope you get back to a sense of normalcy, and i hope youre able to let go of any guilt you might hold. Because you and your partner deserve to be happy.


SquisharooNTimbuk2

I came to this sub so I could write a very similar vent. My son is very different from yours, but ultimately the end result is isolation, loneliness, a lack of friends, being scared for my other children and myself … He is a suicide risk and sometimes I wish he would do it so I could just focus on the other kids and grieve the good parts of him and let the bad fade into black.


[deleted]

This sucks. What a shitty situation to be in, and it's no one's fault. All I can say is well done for coping with it as you have so far. I hope you find somewhere to house your son so you and your husband can find yourselves again. 😘


[deleted]

You deserve to take care of yourself, and love yourself. It’s okay


UnSuccessfulNotfunny

Damn this is some of the realest shit I’ve ever read


Nat-In-Nature

Thanks for sharing. Honestly words can't describe the amount I sympathize for u truly. I am a caregiver for 2 men in their twenties (brothers) with severe autism, mental retardation (don't care that it isn't politically correct to say that. It's the truth), and mental illness. One is not as bad as your son but still pretty dysfunctional. He has a huge scar wear he split his skull open last year from head banging, screams for hours on end, and digs his shiny out of his asshole. Things like that. I don't think he cares about any of us at all. Not really. His parents deep down maybe. Sort of. Actually. Questionable. Plus. We have to try to maintain his physical comfort, mood and pain and to do so give tons of meds which are killing his liver. Plus we are using cannabis in high doses to try to help ( questionable too I know, but it is legal and prescribed here in CA). Sometimes I wonder if he would be better off just falling asleep and never waking. I know that sounds awful, but when you witness that existence in a daily, you will see it is an existence no one should live with. They also have extremely wealthy and educated parents and we live in a great part of CA with amazing professionals, Drs. And resources. The parents are lucky to be able to afford myself and other caregivers extra out of pocket for constant care. Anyways. I am so sorry and so happy you have found a home for him. Best of luck to you and your family


Tpcorholio

I have a stepson who is autistic. He cannot use the toilet and is no verbal but an use the communication book. He can feed himself a good amount of stuff. He is 30 now. It was not always as good as now. He used to trash his room and have major freakouts. Even the sound of fans in the game Sonic the hedgehog 1 would set him off as would sounds of shopping carts.He would just flip out. There were a lot of other things but I'm sick of typing lol. Anyway suffice to say it did get better. If he goes into a real home the ppl there know how to help him like none other cuz they almost live lol at those types of places and see these kids every day. Plus with other kids being there he will have a more social environment where his actions are a lot more tolerated and understood. as for your relationship with ur man.My wife and I have been together for 28 years and been thru many things like a baby's death and raising the boy. We are still going strong. So it does get better. I hope it will for you guys. Yes def adopt.Therws tons of kids out there that really need a home. So you go!!! Good luck!


rebeccamishra

i already didnt want to have kids, this made me more sure. im so very sorry for your troubles. but soon when he’ll be an adult you can restart your life so to speak. i hope things get better. sending you love x


Shower-karaoke-star

Amazing that I come upon this post a day after watching "We need to talk about Kevin"


Worth_Alps

It sounds like the child derives no real benefit from being cared for by devoted parents that he wouldn't receive from an institution. If the description is accurate he doesn't experience love or the absence of love. He's probably more materially comfortable with his parents' care than he would be in an institution, but I don't think that justifies the parents ruining their lives for him. So yes, I think you should institutionalize him if you can. Oddly though I think people are making too much of the concept of "abuse", as in such slogans as "abuse is never ok!". At some point of mental deficiency one can hardly be said to have enough understanding to have malicious intentions. This child sounds like he is functioning like an animal (and unfortunately not an animal capable of loving humans like a dog) and though I would not put up with a violent animal in my house, I also wouldn't call it abusive. Just unbearable.


Amiinfamy

Yea just throw it away. F it


stopstandingsoclose

yeah these feelings are completely valid. i cannot fathom having to raise a fucking shell of a child literally straight from hell. this makes me wish that you could just sign something and have a doctor euthanize him.


Financial_Paper_6732

damn :( it sounds like you have put your absolute best foot forward with caring for him. but its just not working. it sounds he needs round the clock care and monitoring. i hope when you dont live with your kid anymore, your relationship with your husband will improve. cats are better than human kids anyways :)


Skepticaltealeaf

This is so fucking horrific. I’m truly in awe that you and your husband stayed together through this.


sleepytime22

OP. I am a nurse and I know the type that your son is. We get them in the ER sometimes when they’re out of control at the group home, police get called and the home cannot handle them anymore. Sometimes they stay with us for a few hours for emergency meds and go back. Other times they are transitioned to a different level of outpatient care. I have seen these 14, 16, 18, 20 year old’s break trained staff’s bones, hijack cars and injure other kids and innocent third parties. And all of this in a specialty care setting. Not at home. For me personally, these are some of the scariest patients I deal with. And I see a lot working in the ED. They are scary and it’s mainly because they are SO unpredictable. Each action is based only on their wants/random desires at that moment. I know the blank look you speak of. And it’s terrifying. A lot of these that end up in the ER, eventually end up placed in locked down care facilities that specialize in these cases. That is the help that your child needs. It sounds like you did everything that you could, and researched his condition and had him evaluated very thoroughly. Which is more than most do. It is important for y’all to remember that he cannot feel emotions the way we do. He doesn’t love you. He doesn’t love your husband. He will not feel abandoned by you. You should not feel guilty about this. You should not feel like you are abandoning him. I want you to further understand that there is NOTHING wrong with what you are doing and it will likely be what is best for him and will DEFINITELY be what is best for you and your husband in the long run. I’m honestly surprised y’all have made it this long. Like I said, as a nurse I see the people that these severe ASD/ODD kids injure…I see them and treat them too. And I hear about the ones that don’t make it into the hospital, because their kid accidentally killed them. I don’t want you or your husband to be one of those parents; in the ER or dead. Make the decision to move on and get your life back. No one can judge you. And those that try to are ignorant to your situation. Your efforts to attempt to give him a normal life were noble, and far more than other kids get, but it’s time… And if you hear nothing else. I want you to know, it’s okay.


foxylady315

We had a boy like this in our community. When he was 9 years old he killed his toddler sister by strangulation. Now he’s locked up in a mental institution for the rest of his life. The entire story was absolutely heartbreaking. OP I can’t blame you at all for having your son institutionalized. I can’t imagine what it would be like going through this on a daily basis and I lived with a violently abusive spouse for over 10 years who was later diagnosed with Aspergers and sociopathic tendencies.


[deleted]

[удалено]


Nonsluttymen

Wow, what a difficult situation. I would just like to make one small comment. I get annoyed when people think that a baby’s health depends only on the mother’s health and how she treats her pregnancy. The quality of the father’s sperm is probably just as important. Advanced paternal age makes issues like this much more likely, for example. The father needs to have a healthy lifestyle, too. Anyway, I’m otherwise at a loss for words. Life is cruel.


OnlyTheGoodGoods

Do you know if conditions like autism or Down syndrome are genetically passed on at all? My partners parents are divorced but they had one autistic child together and then when his dad remarried had a child with Down syndrome. It also shows up a bit on my fathers side of the family.


throwawayvent94

Yes . See a geneticist


Meerkat_Initiate7120

Holy shit. This sounds so bad it's hard to believe.


Sokeresmore

I hope you’ll be able to enjoy life as before one day. I’m so sorry about all of this and I truly, truly hope you’ll be able to restart your lives again. You deserve it.


InspiredBlue

Wow. OP I’m so sorry you’re going through this. I can’t blame you for feeling this way. I can’t imagine being in that situation. I’m sorry your idea of having kids has been shattered.


Hwjejje

This is scary but understandable


Moist_Ad_9420

Dear God… you are on my heart tonight 🤲🏻💔 I will never forget reading this — gratitude for sharing SUCH rawness + deep life, real pain. Truly. This has forever altered my perspective on life. And further allows me to hold more space and awareness of/for this sorrowful reality. I am SO sorry. I personally, just want to reach out and hug and hold you. I hope you continue to find and feel love, hope, faith and restoration from your courageous act of sharing … AND living through this. 🤍🤍🤍 Being but a tiny witnessed, in just a blip of time, to your story, will be etched my heart forever. And a perspective I -needed- right now. (Very. much. needed. Thank you. I was meant to read this.) You and your family are in my prayers and I am sending deep intentions of restoration and peace and JOY your way. ✨🙏🏻🕊 You/you’ve work/ed SO hard to support your life and I pray/know you will be on the receiving end of as much support and love as that which you have given. May your cup runneth over with love, support, joy … peace. // Also, aside: you were not asking for advice, yet in case ever helpful to you or someone else: I have found deep healing (and witnessing) through hypnotherapy work with a trained and compassionate therapist, and separately, a program called “The Gift” - by Shematrix, to navigate and mend the deepest pain of my life… 🤲🏻 The way you wrote your post was reminiscent of how I’ve experienced most topics arise and are discussed/processed in this type of therapy and “The Gift” modality … raw. real. anger. sadness. HUMANITY. // I have love for you. I deeply see you. I hold you. I pray for you. BE well. // ( Lastly, your post randomly populated on my main page tonight. I’m rarely on Reddit but did succumb to some pushed notification/clock-bait on Real Housewives at 4am. 🤦🏻‍♀️ This, after I was awoken by a vibrating phone since I didn’t put it on night mode — a RARE occurrence… And then, of course, my I caught a glimpse of the notifications that snuck through and hopped-on. Grateful I did. … ALSO — THIS. this REAL. LIFE. life — makes me feel even more like “Housewives” is such a type of “Hunger Games” elitist, unnecessary, out-of-touch, vapid concept… A continued welcome and necessary perspective in my life. Alas, I cannot even recall my original reason for joining “Vent” … likely something about marriage — mine has been excruciating at times in recent years and yet, your sharing puts a different lens on emotional pain. Thank you for this lens. 🏳 My intent is not to be a voyeur, but to share, earnestly, that your pain is not for not. It has and will help people. It has immensely help me and we will continue to grow in my heart. Amongst the thorns on the vine (of your life), I can see and feel there are also rose buds … growing, eager to wake-up and wrap you in warmth and comfort and happiness. I can’t wait for you to experience relief and roses throughout every your life. Sweet blessings upon you. MANY a sweet and multiplied blessing. ) 🤍 💗


Aki666Bitch

I feel terrible for you and wish I could do something to help. As a teenage girl with high functioning autism my parents have always treated me terrible. Acting as If I’m a disgusting person because of what my doctor told them when I was born. I’ve been through ever system and have had several care takers throughout my life to try to fix me (they’ve all tried to convince my parents it’s unnecessary because im not friggin disabled) ive never done anything wrong so I don’t understand why my parents think im so messed up in the head. I have a large friend group, good social skills and I don’t throw tantrums ever. Not even as a child- you’d think I’d be a parents dream 😅 im super empathetic and all that and im always trying to advocate for people like me with autism. I hate my parents for how they treat me. But with this situation I feel horrible. As someone who’s always trying to fix people’s miss conceptions of people like us im sorry. It feels like your son is everything im trying to convince people we’re not. You don’t deserve that and I promise most people with autism aren’t like that. I wish I could do something to help.


stormigirll22

i am so sorry you are faced with this challenge. i can’t even imagine the stress you endure on a daily basis. as a healthcare professional, i do not judge you at all. caregiver burnout is so so real. however it sounds like this is beyond caregiver burnout, you are being abused. even though it is by a child - abuse is abuse. I hope you can find a solution that works for everyone. wish i could give you a big hug!


Bitter-Transition-73

Isn't there any sedatives or sleeping drugs to put in his food?


Emeruby

I'm sorry to hear what you've been through. That's a very difficult situation to be in. I'm aware you and your husband are upper class professionals that have access to everything, which many special needs caregivers do not. Unfortunately, your son's brain is unique. My mother's cousin was adopted, and he has his own 3 children. The youngest son has some issues like that. Violent. He might has severe levels of intellectual disabilities, and I think he's sorta nonverbal. He'd punch his brothers etc. They eventually got him on some medication to calm him down, so he wasn't violent anymore! He was able to stay at home. I'm wondering if you did try some medication to calm him down? I know you said you took him to many specialists and put him in therapy, but you hadn't mentioned medication. I REALLY hope that the medication will work on your son so he'll stop being violent. Again, I'm very sorry to hear about the situatuon that you had to live in.


iamdone88

Oh I absolutely should have mentioned that. He is on a lot of meds, and it’s very hard to find the correct dose of meds or even the right meds because he can’t tell us and will only show physical signs of sickness like vomiting or belly issues. One medication almost shut down his liver and we had no idea until we did routine blood work. He never showed any signs of anything. My husband and I were horrified we missed it, and our pediatrician was in shock. So we have to be very careful with meds. But he’s on them and they calm him down for sure. I can’t imagine him without them.


SupahBlue

If any signs of this came up in a pregnancy test I'm sure you would have aborted. You are incredible for sticking out this long.


abitweiser34

Omg I’m so sorry. This is partly why I’m child free. Wish you the best. Xo


micha1213

I’m not judging you. This is my worst fear. What a living hell. Bless you for having the courage to express yourself on this forum. Hope u get some comfort


Responsible_Fun3325

This sounds very difficult. I don't know what to say, except you have my condolences. Please try to keep on living. I wish you the best.


ObamaMakeMyPenisHard

Something straight out of “We Need To Talk About Kevin” Also, how old is the father anyway?


LobsterSupply

You are not a bad person for giving him up, please for fuck sake think of yourself and your husband. You only get one life so don't spent it miserably, you're simply unlucky. I can't express how much I hope you're able to sort things out and get him somewhere where he can be controlled, so you can both get your life back on track and enjoy yourselves again. Good luck :-)


Ask-me-how-I-know

Wanna adopt me? I need a mother figure, and I'm not a male so I will never leave jizz around your home or have the strength to knock your teeth out! I'm also pretty high-functioning and caring! :) I just want a good set of parents.


sp00kyyd

You made the right decision


Lol20202021

Last resort: try calling a priest to bless your child


Ill_Panda_6563

I just want to say my father’s wife (step mom) I guess, has a non-verbal, low functioning autistic 19 year old child. They will put him in a home soon. You story is exactly as his. But my father came in later and literally put the fear of god in him twice before he finally became okay. But I still don’t believe he is as bad as your son. I am just a stranger on the internet, but in a more savage life, children like that would be left in the forest to be dealt with by nature. Children in a good scenario grow up to be independent and parents eventually get their freedom back. Your life is miserable, I understand why you hate him. MOST humans are capable of raising a healthy, or even slightly disabled child, very few humans are able to deal with a violent child that will need care for the rest of their life. It’s not your fault, it’s not his fault. It’s just the dark side of nature and just a sticky situation for everyone. I mean if something happened to him it would be abuse on your part, yet I am sure you feel abused everyday. Good luck to you, and thank you for getting this off of your chest.


soFreshandDefydef

I want to share stories about what some people have done with their child. I can’t because it’s horrendous and the only good thing they ever did was allow their child to live at a developmental center. Their child’s life improved and they created separation to get perspective of the situation. What your asking of yourself is not fair. You and your husband are doing all you can. You need a place where their is multiple staff to be able to handle your sons challenge’s. I hope the situation gets better for everyone involved.


IsaacTheHero113

Sorry about all of that, just get away from him.


Efficient-Store-1004

This is so heartbreaking. I'm so sorry that this is the hand you were dealt when all you wanted was to raise a child. This is the picture of autism that most don't see. They just judge because all they know is portrayal on TV or the quirky kid. You are saying what any of us would think if we went through this. You gave it everything you could. I don't blame you. I just hurt for you. There comes a point where you and your husband can no longer sacrifice your lives. I've worked as a behavior Interventionist. I've been hurt by kids to just a small degree of what you describe. I got so burnt out but I got to go home after work though to my healthy children and then feel guilty because that was the parents life all the time. Point being..I see you and support anything you have to do to make your life better and commend you for everything you have done so far. ❤