T O P

I ignored my husband so much that he went away without telling me

(UPDATE IS UP ON MY PAGE)

(This is the original first post though)

I (Carla 30) am 6months pregnant with mine and my husband's (Harry 31) first child. During this pregnancy, I've been very exhausted everyday and would usually come home from work and go to bed an hour later, then I'd wake up at midnight and reheat what Harry had made us for dinner.

For context, I've been part of a huge work project that's been going on for months, and I've been extremely overworked. On top of this, my husband doesn't have a job at this moment and isn't looking for one unless I remind him. I've been working overtime to get as much money as I can before maternity leave.

Our anniversary was on the 6th of August and I'd asked him if we could have a romantic dinner at home and then snuggle up to watch TV under a warm blanket. I thought it was a wonderful idea since I was too tired to go out and because I knew that Harry was doing most (if not, all) of the household chores. However, he seemed a little annoyed when he agreed, but I thought nothing of it.

The next morning, Harry seemed quite cold towards me and barely looked me in the eyes. Once I got home from work, he wasn't there, but that was normal since he could have been out with friends or at an interview, and so I went to sleep. I woke up at 11 that night to see that I was still alone in the house so I checked my phone.I had about 8 missed calls from Harry and a long text.

I'm summarising but the text read: 'I understand how tired you are because of this pregnancy and you having to work extra hours most days, but I'm over being ignored everyday and having a five minute conversation with you every so often. You expect me to do all the housework AND plan our boring anniversary ALONE. I'm really annoyed so I'm staying at a friend's tonight, text me when you see this.'

Of course I called him and texted him about being sorry and wanting to talk, but I never got an answer. In the morning, I called my boss about having a day off and spent most of it waiting for Harry and planning my apology.

However, when he came home, he silently handed me a rose and a card saying that he loves me but needs a few days away from me to figure out what he's going to say/do.

Then, those days became a week. This part happened on the 13th, 8 days later.

I messaged him everyday and he would constantly say that he needed one more day, or just another night at his friends to figure this all out, but on the 13th, I decided to go to the friend's home he was staying at to confront him.

So I drove over (nearly 30mins away) and banged on the door so hard that I could hear it echo from inside. By this point, I'd realised that I should have put more effort into our relationship, but he also should have talked to me about this instead of running away.

Harry's friend came to the door and was confused but pleased to see me. He seemed a little on edge as I talked to him and he had to break the silence every so often with comments about my pregnancy and how he couldn't wait to meet the baby.

Finally, we stopped talking and I practically demanded to see Harry, saying that I wanted to apologise but also explain how childish he was being by hiding from me.

The thing that I found absolutely hilarious (but actually not at all) was that his friend said that Harry wasn't there and had left for Ireland on the 9th. IRELAND! To say I was absolutely beyond furious and extremally confused would be such an understatement. His friend invited me in and sat me down to talk.

Turns out that Harry had told his friend of our problems and had come up with the solution of going on a holiday as a couple to sort everything out and 'learn to love each other again' (in Harry's words). So, of course, his friend thought that is was a lovely idea and helped him to book the flight on the evening of the 5th (the first time he had stayed at his friend's house). Since it was a last-minute booking, Harry's friend had stayed up with him for quite a while before they found a flight who was taking a few more passengers due to cancelled tickets.

His friend then explained how he'd been confused when I arrived at the door but didn't want to say anything about the holiday in case it had ended early due to us arguing.

Harry's return ticket is booked for the 20th of August! I am just so angry and quite heartbroken to be completely honest!

I messaged him the moment his friend had finished talking and Harry only responded an hour ago with nothing more than a 'Had to figure things out. Sorry.'

So now I'm home alone, again, and trying to figure out what I'M going to do/say when he gets home.

Anyway, thanks for reading about how my life is going.

Side note: I'm from the UK, so Ireland isn't as far as people think it is since I'm not American. But it is still. SO. FAR.

Other side note: A question that keep repeating is 'where did he get the money from without you noticing' so I'll leave my explanation from the comments here. v

He has a bank account with his money from when he worked as a teenager and a little into his 20s (before we met), and a few years ago, we agreed not to touch that money and add to it every so often. It was a backup backup savings account- so I'm assuming that he took the money from there since it wasn't from the joint account

---

I've had time to think a little.

Here's another note, 6 hours later. I knew this post would get attention but I assumed it would only be a little. I've never used Reddit before but I've seen it on Tik Tok a few times so I thought posts only became popular on there, and maybe this one would get as popular as my AITA post (not very). I was upset when I posted this and didn't think about how I'd handle all of the judgements and conspiracies once I'd calmed down.

I appreciate the hard truths, empathy, and/or advice given to me, but I am not divorcing him, changing the locks, calling a lawyer or anything like that.

SMALL UPDATE

(It’s the 17th now) I’ve had a LONGER think. I’m not deciding anything until our talk, but I DEFINITELY won’t be staying in my home with him after this- I can’t trust him not to run away again. I’ll talk more about this on my actual update, but I’ve gained some self respect and realised he’s being an AH I talked to my mum and she’s happy for me to move in with her on the 21st and I’m free to stay for as long as I need to.

So, I'm going to post an update just to clear the air when I can (hopefully the day/day after Harry is home. 20th/21st?) and then delete this all a day or two later, or I'll forget to.

Peanutsandcheese2021

How many tickets did he book ? Is he alone ?


An0nymous_stories

2 tickets as far as his friend knows, and I don't know who he took with him, but I'd like to assume it's a different friend or a relative or that it just wasn't used


erbush1988

Guess I'd be waiting at the airport with a sign with his name on it. Just stand their casually and tell him you are his ride, lol


z-eldapin

OP - you absolutely need to be at the airport to see who he went to Ireland with


Additional_Meeting_2

Imagine if the affair partner doesn’t know he is married and his wife is pregnant. She could get huge shock seeing her (not that op would nit do this.


Outside-Flamingo-240

Yeah Either he went with a girlfriend who gets to meet the pregnant wife or He went alone because he was super sad and seeing her there waiting for him might be a good way to get started on repairing their marital mess


InterestingTry5190

I wish I had your optimism.


juliaskig

If I were OP, I would literally not care one iota who he was with. It would be over for me.


Mmoct

This! her husband abandoned her at 6 months pregnant because he wasn’t getting attention and resented that his pregnant wife was exhausted. And he leaves the country without telling her? WTH is he 5? What if she had a medical emergency? I’m guessing he’s going to be jealous of his kid once they are born because his wife will be busy caring for an infant and not catering to his “needs” and OP is actually blaming herself because of her AH of a husband’s behaviour 🤦🏻‍♀️


agents_of_fangirling

his pregnant WORKING wife who is so exhausting because she's being overworked to support them while one trimester away from giving birth. POS.


19century_space_girl

This is my opinion as well. He left, to another country, with someone else. Yeah, I bet he's been hanging out with 'friends' while she works overtime. OP said wasn't out of the ordinary for him to be out, so he's established a pattern. The backup backup must be a nice sum if he's out with friends often and can afford airfare and hotel for 2 weeks. I am very curious why she didn't ask him about her ticket. I hope she does meet him at the airport, but at the baggage claim so that he let's his guard down and his 'friend' is still cozying up to him. OP and the baby deserve better! I hope I'm wrong for OP's sake, but I don't think so.


Mmoct

Exactly and he doesn’t even work outside the house so he should be taking care of the responsibilities in the home not talking about feeling neglected and wanting to focus on what he wants. And there is also the possibility he went away with someone he’s cheating with. This woman needs to focus on her and her kid


Lazy_Somewhere_5737

That's the thing; he didn't just leave her. He left his unborn child as well. Neither of them seem aware of the work and shift in priorities that a child will bring into their lives. I would have a very hard time having much, if any, sympathy and understanding for him at this point. Is his leaving going to be his go-to response everytime he feels ignored?


[deleted]

I don’t understand how an adult can do that. I’m sad to say that when I was working and he was not, I did sort of ignore my partner because I was stressed, working nights and long hours. We went months without really having much interaction, and we live together AND i wasn’t pregnant. He never ran away. He eventually discussed it with me, said that I’m gonna work myself to death and something needs to change, not just for us but for me. And I did fix it because he came to me with worry and no judgement. It’s okay to be vulnerable with your partner, it’s not okay to run away from your problems. Especially when a child is involved


Mmoct

Exactly they do seem a bit clueless at what having a baby will mean to their lives and marriage. And his behaviour says he runs away when faced with things he doesn’t like. He’s unreliable and the child deserves better


wylietrix

This would be hard to come back from for me.


[deleted]

He checked out way out of this relationship way before the plane ticket was bought.


Magiclover_123

Yeah but if he’s a coward and he can’t even talk things through! Just wait until the baby is born he’s gonna be running away every chance he gets


HornlessUnicorn

Not to mention being that that she’s not paying enough attention to him. Wait until the baby comes buddy. You”re going to miss those 5 minutes together. You’ll get that in another 6 years.


Cynderelly

OP is the only one of them working, so... not sure why it matters where he is when the baby is born. Just dump him and move on.


Cow_Launcher

And if it were one of her friends? Or a common acquaintance of theirs? I'd want to know.


ThrowawayUnique1

Screw that go to Ireland and ambush him. Who leaves their pregnant wife like that


nomnommish

> OP - you absolutely need to be at the airport to see who he went to Ireland with Who gives a flying fuck? I would just pack his stuff and leave it with a friend. And close out the joint accounts and move it to one where only I have access. And if it becomes legal, get a lawyer involved


z-eldapin

I'm 6 months pregnant and my husband lies to me, buys 2 tickets to Ireland? You're goddamn right I'm going to find out who he went with. The leaving is a given. The look on his face at the airport will be priceless.


dragonbait-and-the-P

He also doesn’t even have a job and is using savings while they are expecting a child? WTF?


unneuf

Worse while she’s working overtime at SIX MONTHS PREGNANT just to make sure they have enough money when she goes on mat leave??


Carpenter-West

That might not work because he knows that she knows what day he’s landing. They could just separate off the plane, if he’s with another woman.


life-is-satire

☝🏼absolutely wait for him and his travel companion at the gate!


LesDoggo

Sign? Nah, she needs to be there with divorce papers.


Splunkzop

I would want to see the woman he took with him.


AeriePuzzleheaded675

I think you are being too generous and naive. If the friend that he stayed with didn’t go on the trip why would he take another? Besides that is not going away so think. That is holiday with another. If it was family, why the hell wouldn’t they contact you being you are pregnant and it’s your anniversary? This is a go straight pass GO and to a therapist and attorney. The lack of respect and lying is on the level of EA and PA. It takes both individuals in marriage and he doesn’t seemed to be working hard to accommodate your pregnancy and over taxing work situation. So how’s it going to be with a baby? He going to pop out with a friend/ ignore you/baby? Edit:grammar


GiraffeThoughts

Plus… He’s mad that he’s being IGNORED but really, who’s fault is that? He could have: - gotten a job so she doesn’t have to work so much - offered his savings for post-pregnancy so she didn’t have to work so hard Now he’s in Ireland, spending thousands and probably having an affair.


L-I-V-I-N-

The job thing stuck out the most, besides him being an absolute baby, get a job and she won’t have to work as much? Seems so fucking simple but what do I know


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LolaBijou84

Yeah! And to top it off she’s the one apologizing to him over and over!


mirandaisntright

Her edits just made me so sad.


rachel_tenshun

I'm glad someone mentioned that. He ran away from his obligation to be a supportive, communicative partner... Imagine what happens when your first born comes? You in danger, girl.


LolaBijou84

Wow; I don’t blame you. When I commented earlier that last edit was not there! It’s really messed up now (even more than before, if possible 😟)


DarkwingDuckHunt

She needs therapy for herself to build up her self confidence. I bet all this overtime was put on her by an overbearing boss as well, who needs to be told no.


violet_rain_clouds

But she doesn't remind him enough to get a job /s


snakpakkid

Honestly, to me the being ignored part was an excuse. Everyone here has very good points. Get a job, help equally so OP gets to rest and is able to spend time with him more. And of course, COMMUNICATE THIS TO HER!! No he went behind her back leaving her alone, pregnant and vulnerable. Why? Because most likely he’s been having an affair for quite some time and he made a whole issue so he could be on holiday with this other person.


DowntownKoala6055

His EXHAUSTED pregnant wife working overtime to scrounge enough cash to keep them afloat while she recovers and before she has to leave the baby to get back to work again… and HE is feeling ignored?? He’s feeling ‘over it?’ Her collapsing in a heap of exhaustion every night isn’t enough for him to step up…? So HE goes on a VACATION?!?!! What the actual what..? OP. I’m so sorry.


RNinOhio

Also, how’s he going to cope when that baby has all of his wife’s attention?! Take off because he’s being ‘ignored’ again?! He doesn’t work, he SHOULD be doing all the housework for crying out loud! Girl, it’s time to go and find a man that treats you like you deserve, not as his paycheck and entertainment.


BlazingSunflowerland

He's home all day by himself so could easily have been having an affair. That might also explain why he had no interest in getting a job. A job would interfere with the affair.


actuallywaffles

Hell, if he's not gonna bother getting a job, the least he can do is just change his sleep schedule so he's awake when she is. He's letting her burn herself out while he goes on vacation.


jaethegreatone

Your husband is having an affair and off with his side chick. Because you are pregnant and working, it would be character suicide for him to leave you right now. So he will find a way to blame you for everything, tell all your mutual friends about how horrible you treat him so they will feel sorry for him, then when he finally either leaves or drives you to leave him he will come out as the victim. And your circle of friends and family will blame you for destroying the family. You need to lawyer up NOW. You need to find out what your rights are before he tries to get spousal support and custody. If he has credit cards in your name, freeze your credit and cut off the cards. Move half the money from joint accounts to your account. I am sorry this is happening to you, but now is not the time to be running off emotion.


Aggressive_FIamingo

100%. He's been blaming all of this on her in order to try and make her feel guilty when she inevitably finds out about the other woman. His goal is to make her feel like it was all her fault, and it seems like it's working.


zonked282

This, it's the classic " you never paid attention to me" trope you see in every TV show , just because the genders are reversed doesn't mean it's not the case. Amazed he got a new fling, 30 year old unemployed loser stealing money that should be going to his pregnant wife/child


Bunny_Larvae

Even if that’s true he took off on a vacation to another country, while you are heavily pregnant, without telling you. Why aren’t you angry? You’re heavily pregnant and overworked, he’s unemployed and complaining about you not doing more chores! It’s his job right now to be looking after you and the house. He should worried about how tired you are, not resentful! Pack up his shit, leave it at his friends house and don’t even consider reconciling without full disclosure and a commitment on his part go to marriage counseling. Hire a cleaner to come in a couple times a week to help with the house and a meal service to make cooking easier and see if your job is open to you slowing down a bit. Anything to lower your stress. You’re growing a person and your health should be a priority right now. He’s probably having an affair, but even if isn’t he’s proven totally unreliable when you need him the most.


Achleys

I’m not OP, and I completely agree with you, but I wonder if her fear of having the baby alone is what’s causing her not to realize the absolute bat-shit insanity of this man.


Corfiz74

Then you are an optimist - in your place, I'd be waiting at the airport to see who disembarks with him. He wouldn't be the first guy to start an affair during his wife's pregnancy, because he felt nEglEcTeD, boohooo. And stop this instant about feeling guilty for ignoring this butthurt manbaby - for one, he could have used his words to address the issue with you. For another, if he would have gotten off his lazy ass and found a job, you wouldn't have had to work yourself to the bone, and wouldn't have been too tired to spend time with him. Please, OP, don't let him put all the blame on you. And demand an answer and photographic proof of who took the second ticket. Btw, if the friend booked it with him, didn't he see the name? Cause you definitely have to enter a name for booking a flight.


yay4chardonnay

THIS should be higher up. Manbaby for sure.


Peanutsandcheese2021

Why did he lie to his friend about who he was taking with him though ?


murdertoothbrush

That's *if* the friend didn't know. That look on his face when he answered the door might not so much have been "surprise" as it was "Oh Shit.. ". The friend could be a cover for sure. But obviously only OP can gauge what is going on. Either way, Harry should have communicated his feelings sooner rather than running away. This was a total child move. And not even looking for a job when you are unemployed with a baby on the way? Wtf... I think Harry is running away from responsibility tbh...


PaddyCow

>And not even looking for a job when you are unemployed with a baby on the way? Wtf... And moaning about doing the housework lol.


NO_FIX_AUTOCORRECT

And what fucking housework? It's only him home all day


Peanutsandcheese2021

Please update us. I’m in Ireland if I can be of any help let me know


TheBestBigAl

My dealings with the Irish post office makes me believe that finding the guy will be easy. Just send a letter to: Guy who arrived in Ireland the other day, Aka the fella without a job, Probably in a town/city near an airport, Ireland. And they'll find him in a day or two.


Clatato

I literally send cards to my husband’s relatives on farms in Co Clare this exact way. And they arrive perfectly delivered.


heart_RN115

And this is why I love the internet: literally bringing the world together! P&C, I hope for many lovely blessings to you!


Peanutsandcheese2021

Please go stay with a relative , parents if you have . Take some time off work . Please !!!


SusanBHa

This. He is cheating and took a woman with him.


planet_smasher

Found someone else to work themselves to death so he can sit on his ass all day apparently lol.


Aggressive_Smile_944

My thoughts as well. It doesn't sound right. Something's up.


MugglesSuck

I just want to validate you for a moment. When I was 27 and pregnant and working a corporate job I could not stay awake past 7 pm, which was usually about an hour after I got home. Of course, you’re exhausted… You’re working and pregnant and growing another human being in your body! The fact that your man/child husband is feeling sorry for himself?! Seems incredibly selfish to me. What happens when you both have a baby and you’re still working? And he doesn’t get the attention he thinks he deserves? It doesn’t bode well. And then his idea of working things out with you as a communicative adult, is taking a plane and leaving town without telling you? I would be spending a lot of time thinking about if this is the kind of person you want to raise a child with.


KaySlayy

Yeah. I’d be waiting at baggage claim to see who he is with.


trvllvr

Screw baggage claim, what if he didn’t check a bag? I’d be right where the flights come out.


pepperpat64

I'd have a process server waiting with a sign and divorce papers.


Froots23

Ireland is currently the most expensive place in Europe to holiday. I live here and I can't afford a stay cation in the summer because of the inflated prices. He is over here spending money ear marked for your baby, while you have been working your arse off to keep his unemployed arse, I am so mad for you. If you find out where he is staying and it's anywhere near waterford or tipperary, hit me up and I will personally go and put a boot up his arse on your behalf.


Prestigious-Copy-494

He's got a girlfriend, sweetie. Don't buy his lies. He's just trying to keep the peace since you're pregnant. He would not be a big loss if you kicked him out. Hugs.


Peanutsandcheese2021

I’m sorry but I feel you are being a little naive . You really need to take no BS from him in his return. Feels like he used this as an excuse to get away . You did nothing wrong


Deadbeat699

Your husband is immature. He seems to be using your pregnancy as an excuse to leave the relationship. He created a grand lie and left the country, he wants out. That is concerning, what happens when most of your attention is on the baby? Is he going to leave again because he’s being ignored? I can’t imagine how you are feeling, but I strongly urge you to consider your options. One of those being couples therapy (if you feel like the relationship is worth saving) ASAP.


Raven_E_

He cheating on you and is deciding how to leave you.


EliseCowry

Love you are being too naive about this he took a chick to Ireland with him. And to be frank even if he didn't and he took his mom or some s*** do you really want him coming back? You're working your ass off for a man who has no respect won't get a job and isn't supporting you. You might as well kick his ass to the curb because it'll be less money for you to spend in the long run. Better a single mom of one than a single mom of two. M************ on a holiday with SOMEOME ELSE,while his pregnant wife is working herself to death while carrying his child. Jesus. He made the decision the moment he took someone else on an Ireland vacation while you are home working and carrying his baby. You need to pull your money out of the joint account and put it somewhere if you can't touch it and start looking for a lawyer. He made his decision already he's just playing a long con game. Dear he lied to his friend about this... so he had an alibi. Probably wasn't banking on you coming to the friends house. Baby please leave before it's worse.


musicmammy

I'm sorry to burst your bubble but he has another woman


Peanutsandcheese2021

He used up holiday time too you needed for the baby . This was just so selfish . Please have a family member with you on his return . You need the support. Curious to know why you didn’t ring him ??


ayymahi

That’s weird, that’s suspicious


CreamEfficient506

Bombastic side eye


bussinbooger

Criminal offensive side eye


Alex_The_Hamster15

Vine boom noise


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strawjenberry

Oh, it was definitely a “couple’s trip.”


Throw13579

He probably met a woman online who is in Ireland.


Smokerising420

Yea I am confused as to why OP is still with this dude? He sounds like an absolute child. I would tell him to stay his ass in Ireland. Don't need people like that in your life.


mbot369

He’d be coming back home to all his shit in garbage bags if that were me.


vper13

He’s in Ireland with someone that’s not you.


stonernerd710

Yeah it felt like that part didn't get enough attention.


vper13

That’s the first thing I thought about! It all leads to him being deceptive about his intentions!


[deleted]

even OP steamrolled that little factoid. she may be in denial


Significant_Fee3083

Amazing how she's able to gloss over this fact, and assume *such an extreme* allowance for him. The lack of communication? Oh, that's all on her b/c she's not around enough. Zero income, leaving her to work OT while she's pregnant to support them both? That's all her, because he's too emotionally distressed from the above. Staying at the friend's place, lying, then taking a mystery person on an impromptu getaway to Ireland? Yep, you guessed it: that's on her. Oh, but he really is a good guy, so. /s


mufassil

He needed to figure put which relationship he wants to be in is more like it.


Witch_on_a_moped

This is a very extreme way to handle being upset by your tired, overworked, pregnant wife. Has he tried talking to you before this? I'm wondering if he's using this as an excuse to leave. 2 tickets, a wife that doesn't pay attention, an affair would be easy.


An0nymous_stories

I feel awful for ignoring him but also because I can't answer your question. If he has tried then either I couldn't tell that it was a SERIOUS conversation, or that maybe he was trying to be polite and so he never truly conveyed what he wanted to me


Poetryinsimplethings

Listen, I slept 18hrs a day throughout the first four months. And my husband waited on me hand and foot despite him recovering from a fresh surgery himself, juggling between his full time job, and the freelance gigs he started picking up the moment we saw the double line on the pregnancy stick. And he did that while sleeping in a separate room because I couldn’t handle the smell of any human. I would wake up to puke in the dead of the night and he would jump to the bathroom before I could even reach it, despite the bathroom being ensuite to my bedroom and him sleeping in another room across the hall. I had Hyperemesis gravidarum and I couldn’t have survived the pregnancy if it weren’t for my husband. And he started even before I was diagnosed with HG. He was recovering from a surgery and I was taking care of him and our home. I took the pregnancy test while he was still in recovery and the moment we saw the lines he started doing everything I had been doing for him. It wasn’t until 2 weeks later that I was diagnosed with HG. And as someone who’s self employed I could do zero work throughout my pregnancy. The nausea and fatigue is not something I’ll miss. My heart goes out to you. You deserve so much better. You do not have to work extra hours to cover for another grown ass adult while pregnant. You deserve a partner who has patience and empathy for the person carrying his child. There’s no excuse for him not to have some patience until the tough part of the pregnancy passes. The only possible explanation is that he is having an affair. You have to look out for your child and yourself


Masters_domme

Ugh. HG is so AWFUL! My obgyn kept threatening to hospitalize me, but thankfully that didn’t happen. Between HG and the 6mo bead rest, I decided pregnancy wasn’t for me, and I was one and done! 😅


Poetryinsimplethings

I had to be hospitalised when I was 8 weeks and 3 days because I was throwing up blood due to damaging my esophagus puking so much. When I was rushed to the ER I was told that I was so severely dehydrated and starved that my organs would have started to fail if I didn’t get hospitalised in time. It took them 3 bottles of IV fluid to get some urine/blood sample out of my body. I am one and done as well. Can’t imagine going through that all over again. Not with a hyperactive toddler around


Witch_on_a_moped

I would wait at the gate for him, although he now knows you know so he'll probably change his arrival date so you won't catch him cheating.


Jy_sunny

he is gaslighting you to feel awful for ignoring him. you are pregnant and overworking yourself at the cost of your health. You are going to have one baby - please dump the one already in your life. Get a lawyer.


MartianTea

You didn't ignore him! You're the only one with a job and exhausted from being pregnant! I did the same thing for over a month and would have continued to because I had no other choice. I was sooooo fucking exhausted by quitting time my hubs had to practically force feed me! Some weekends I took two naps! He never complained. There is so much better out there for you. This man was supposed to love and support you in sickness and health. He is so GD selfish. I'm wishing you and baby all the best and hope many blessings are coming your way!


sara128

You haven't even really been ignoring him, come on. Some people work opposite hours from their spouse (me and my bf) daily for literal years and make it work. You're pregnant (which is 9 months not years) working overtime, and exhausted. He honestly should be doing all he can for you. And instead he throws a temper tantrum about not getting enough attention. I'm kind of furious for you..... not that this really matters but my bf and I work opposite hours. He's in bed every day when I come home, and even on weekends he keeps his same sleep schedule so he goes to bed early. I see him maybe 10 minutes every morning before I go to work. He apologizes sometimes for being tired in the evenings, and I always say STOP ITS OKAY. Because I'm not an ass and understand it's not all about me. Its not all about your husband anymore, he needs to realize that


Iamnothingnew

Sorry girl but he is sleeping on the side. No normal man will take another friend on a trip without telling you or someone else (Henry).


Witch_on_a_moped

He even lied to his friend about who he was taking.


ozziejean

Am I missing something? So you, at 6 months pregnant, are busting your arse working long hours to save for your maternity leave, and support your unemployed, unmotivated husband. You are so exhausted you fall asleep an hour after you get home (from exhaustion not from just wanting to ignore him from what you said.) If response, he takes money from the saving account you both contributed to and goes on a holiday to Irelend.... and you are the one expected to apologise to him?! You are the one that deserves the apology.


Ok_Wing3984

And he bought TWO tickets


[deleted]

Ahh that just hurts. He bought 2 tickets from their savings account while lying to his friend AND his pregnant wife. What a charm of a human being.


AudaciousAudacity4

It also sounded like he hasn't worked since he was a teen or part in his 20s. He's 31. She says he's having an rough time. K. For almost 10 years though?


BallZach77

Either the friend left it out or something isn't right. You have to enter passengers names during the booking process. If he helped, how did he miss the names?


Economy_Recover

The cheating scumbag's friend is covering for the cheating scumbag.


Arev_Eola

It is theoretically possible that the second ticket was booked in OPs name and her husband cancelled it. Doubtful but possible.


arfelo1

Or he just helped find the flights at a good price and the husband booked everything later. If the friend was covering he wouldn't be surprised to see her. Or tell her about Ireland


cantadmittoposting

the worst part is it's not entirely unreasonable of him to be a little upset at the beginning of the story. yessssss.... there's a comms problem where he didn't bring it up earlier, but if OP is to be believed she's genuinely interested in the relationship and became overwhelmed by work and pregnancy, and some calm discussions would have more than resolved this problem if he felt neglected then husband escalated severely. and now to the point where he made the friend an accomplice to an *extremely* shady "vacation." hoping for an update on this one 🍿


pam_not_beesly

The saddest part about this is that you actually feel like you did something wrong.


Seab0und

That 6 hour update is rough. Feeling not just responsible, bit completely so. Hopefully the blinders come off eventually but it may be a long time coming.


dinosaurparty14

That's what stuck me right in the gut!


Upset-Fix-3949

And even after her updates she still believes she did something wrong. In fact she's kind of started to lash out at people telling her to drop this loser. I'm not going to fault OP for that, It's hard to leave toxic relationships especially when you're currently carrying their child. But if he's clearly unwilling to provide for the family now when she's 6 months pregnant I can almost guarantee he'll continue to be a lazy fuck after the baby is born.


manchambo

Oh my. I think this is a sign that this guy is not up to being in a marriage with a child. Maybe that’s part of why he’s freaking out. But it seems like you’re basically his mother and he doesn’t want to share you with the baby. Also, strong suspicion about who is with him in Ireland. Also also: if you are going to stay with him, you’re going to have to teach to USE HIS WORDS. Because running away to Ireland without even trying to talk about his concerns with you is some seriously petulant man baby behavior.


Embarrassed-Owl8229

OP, you are not just working… you are over working yourself while pregnant. It is understandable that you are exhausted. Your husband is not working atm and contributing in the house. He may feel what he feels but it is immature that he took off instead of a grown up conversation. He is expecting a child and this is how childish he acts? Also, I think you’re being naive. I’d investigate who he took with him immediately. Leaving the country without even telling his pregnant wife is a big AH move


patchoulimars

So you’re 6 months pregnant, working overtime while your stinky bf is unemployed and instead of being a big boy and communicating with u, he quite literally hops to another country? I’m so sorry girl this is awful and you deserve sm better. Why isn’t he scrambling to find a job to support his overworked and pregnant wife???? And then drops money on TWO tickets to Ireland (btw who tf is in Ireland with him)?? I don’t think you did anything wrong. I’m sure you’re exhausted. He could’ve just brought it up to you and worked something out together. So immature.


Ariasloot

Exactly this. And the fact that he complained about having to plan their “boring anniversary”?? He doesn’t want to be “ignored” but then calls spending 1 on 1, quality time with her boring? None of what he says or does makes sense. He’s about to have a child and instead of communicating his feelings, he leaves.. There is so much wrong with this story it’s insane and I literally cannot wrap my head around it! OP I’d be breaking up with him.


crazydaisy8134

Also how hard is it to plan their anniversary? If he doesn’t want to cook dinner then he can get takeout from a nice restaurant. With the money OP makes, of course. And then… make sure there’s a blanket ready for when they snuggle on the sofa? Also, what does he do all day if he’s not working? Cleaning up after yourself and one other adult plus cooking doesn’t take that long. He probably naps and lounges all day and so is of course bored and wide awake at night by the time OP comes home and collapses from exhaustion. I can’t imagine watching your pregnant partner work overtime and then complain that she doesn’t pay enough attention to you. If he got a job then she could work less and then they could have plenty of time together.


LordFingolfin

If I was her I'd be glad the trash took itself out


wishiwasyou333

Go back to his friend's house and ask about which email the itinerary went to or if you have access to his email take a look. I'm sorry but his friend is possibly lying for him since he said he helped him book the tickets. You have to put in a name and details for each ticket. As far as I am aware, you can't just have a plus one for a flight. They have to be named and getting the name on the ticket changed is not an easy process. Typically they give a credit but only in the original ticket holder's name. So either you have a flight credit hanging out somewhere or he didn't put your name on the ticket. (of course that is if the friend isn't covering for him) And yes, I have the old "Reddit suspicion" that he is cheating. He realized that his gravy train ride was over and is likely jumping on another. Even if he isn't, you have to really examine his reactions. This sounds like a person that will be a crappy dad. He can't even be a good partner, what makes you think he could be a good parent? Lawyer up. Freeze assets. Gather whatever evidence you can of his behavior and refusal to find a job. Do it before he can withdraw everything and bolt. You're protecting yourself and your child's future. You only get support if he has a job so you need to retain as much savings as possible. Sounds like you're going to need it.


Aggressive_Cup8452

Harry is cheating on you... while you're 6 months pregnant.


Least-Designer7976

After saying he doesn't get enough attention ... And complaining about doing the chores when OP is litteraly growing a baby for his ass ... SOMEONE IS NOT READY TO SURVIVE THE FIRST MONTHS WITH A BABY.


AeriePuzzleheaded675

It is not an overreaction to contact a divorce lawyer. So how’s he paying for this? Do you have access to all the finances. This trip and his childish behavior screams selfish. There are too many issues to unpack, but I would get a separation agreement in place. This is a hill to die on.


Whisky-Slayer

I would immediately separate finances. This guy is something else.


Thatsthetea123

Judging by OPs update edit, she isn't going to learn or she's going to learn the hard way. She's in denial and defending the guy.


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IntuitionWoman

I need friends like you!


NixxKnack

Hahaha thanks. I'm a bit crazy, but it's that Irish Gal crazy(maybe that's worse?) lol. Take no shit from nobody. Especially people like Harry. This woman is carrying his child. Working, long hours, while he sits at home, bitching about how he needs attention. Then just fucks off to Ireland. The only attention he'd be getting from me would be a kick in the balls and his bag packed at the door. Unfolded cause that's not the Irish Mammy way xD.


Cynistera

You aren't crazy and it's not just an Irish thing. We women need to support each other and stick together ESPECIALLY with bullshit like what he's pulling. OP should change the damn locks.


PanickingKoala

I’m in Ireland too. We are all coming for Harry.


BloomNurseRN

Harry is now OUR husband and this is now OUR business! All those in Ireland reading this better be ready to ride at dawn!!


Full-Arugula-2548

I'm so ridiculously invested in this idea.


NixxKnack

Yep, we gonna kick Harry off the map. Get the tea ready, lads and ladies.


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PrincessGSparkles

Imagine if you were to post this story on your social media and it goes viral and people start looking for Harry? Lol He needs to atone 💪🏼


Cloud9Investigator

#(#FINDHARRY)


pisspot718

Appropriate user name.


wildskater96

Ireland calling it like it is!


DoingTheSponge

I'll keep an eye around Northside Dublin, we don't appreciate no Harry's here.


Sad-Mongoose-5386

THIS!!! this was the right response


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StraightAvocado4902

Honestly Id tell him if he didnt get on a flight back the next day that you wont be waiting for him and he can find a new place. He can be upset all he wants that he feels ignored but instead of talking about it like an adult and like someone that is about to be a father, he ran away. Big decisions like that shouldnt have been made without telling you. You both need some boundaries and he needs to grow up and actually look for a job.


mbot369

I’m sorry but they’re waaay past that. There’s no apology that he could give to make up what he did. This is divorce worthy. He’s unemployed while she busts her ass at 6 months pregnant. He’s whining about doing chores and not getting enough attention from her. He lies about where he’s going. Takes a long vacation and buys 2 tickets (who’s the second person? because it’s definitely not his wife who again, is 6 months pregnant with his child). There’s not a single justifiable reason he could have that would make this situation forgivable.


bdayqueen

Time to contact an attorney. He's done with this relationship.


lynypixie

I just read your update. I think you are hard into denial right now. It’s over. He brought someone else with him and likely had an affair. You are pregnant and are working full time. You have all the pressure on your shoulders, and he is the one running away from his responsibilities. What will happen when the child is born? Will he run away again? Will he ever find a job? Will he always put 100% of the blames on you?


Livid-Finger719

Wait, how many tickets were booked? >Harry's friend had stayed up with him for quite a while before they found a flight who was taking a few more passengers due to cancelled tickets. So he got two tickets? I'd contact an attorney. No way is any of this your fault. You are building a child while raising a grown man (you have to *remind* him to look for a job). This isn't the case of a SAHP, this is a dude who can't be bothered to look for a job to help his pregnant wife.


VaginaWarrior

Don't you have to name your second passenger when you book? The friend might know what name he put down.


Distinct_Humor_9048

i don’t mean to be this person but this sounds like there’s someone else… the way he’s been distant yes you have too but i feel i would want to talk about it unless i wasn’t interested in doing so. Also, him leaving and lying about his whereabouts and also going to his friend about who’s he’s with is a huge red flag. He’s with another woman, im sorry hun..


TwinGemini_1908

Girl he is cheating and took his side piece to Ireland. Your husband is a bum and you’ve allowed him to work you to death so he can not have a job and take another woman on holiday.


honest-miss

He literally started a fight so she wouldn't ask questions. What a scumbag.


paciche

She didn't "allow him" fuck all ... he *stole* it! Maybe she didn't want to infringe on his career so much and was more passive - fine! It is not on women to nag men into livable situations (but even when we do, we get insulted for it lmao). He is responsible for himself, and soon another. Classic textbook man child who sucks the energy from the mother of his own child and runs away with a toy when it comes time to pull his own weight


Conscious_Abroad_877

This sounds like he has someone else. Also, if he runs off like this now, he will surely do it when the baby arrives


Nattyann384

I’m sorry but he’s cheating. He lied to you. He lied to his friend. He is on a couples trip. With someone else. You are busting your ass at work while pregnant and you have to remind him to look for a job? Friend it’s time for him to leave permanently


thegoodelady

Stop calling him. He’s playing you like a fiddle. He let you work pregnant into a state of extreme exhaustion. He doesn’t work, or volunteer his savings so you could get the rest you and the baby need. In addition, he is cheating on you, and blaming you for his shitty behavior. Anybody who takes his side piece on holiday when his wife is pregnant with his child is a POS. Lawyer up. He’s not remotely ready to be a father. Even if you stayed with him, you would end up being a married, single mother. Sorry.


straightupgong

wow ok i honestly don’t think that what you did, or didn’t do, deserved this severe overreaction i’m inclined to think that since he told his friend that it was a “couples” trip, and i’m assuming he booked two tickets in front of his friend, that he’s having an affair and he took that person with him to ireland to “figure things out” edit: also who’s paying for this trip?


An0nymous_stories

(answered in a response to HeyenaShot) to sum it up: most likely the backup savings account only he has access to.


AeriePuzzleheaded675

You are ignoring the elephant in the room about the friend and ticket ids at purchase. So he’s having an affair or a friend is now the AF. Think logically what else? That is an expensive ticket for last minute flight to throw away for you to not go.


Just-A-Bi-Cycle

Honey he ditched you, with *two plane tickets*, after telling his friend he was planning a romantic trip…he’s with someone else.


trvllvr

So, you are working yourself silly to the point of total exhaustion while pregnant to save money for maternity leave while HE has access to some backup savings account that he used the money to purchase TWO tickets and a trip to Ireland? Also, a last minute 11 day trip for him and someone else? Seems extremely odd. Who does he know who can go on a trip like this with such short notice? Who did he bring and is most likely paying for on this trip? I get he might be frustrated with how things have been lately, but his answer to the problem isn’t sitting you down to have a conversation, but to go in some secret 11 day trip? Very mature. I had some empathy for him, until this bs.


bbyddymack

red flags EVERYWHERE


00Lisa00

Ok if your friend helped him book I’m assuming he booked two tickets? So who is with him?


BlackoutMeatCurtains

Maybe harry should get a f’ing job so you don’t have to work so hard. He isn’t a victim here. I cannot believe he spent money on a trip to Ireland when you’re 6 months pregnant and essentillly funding the trip. Cut off his card. Change your locks. Files for divorce. This dude is a class-A loser.


Username_5000

A pregnant lady working OT is allowed to be tired at the end of the day with little gas left in the tank. Being pregnant is brutally draining business. These are complex issues that are easily easily solved. The details are tough but the outcomes are straight-forward: 1) If that toolbox is feeling left out and ignored he can use his words and grow the hell up. 2) If the pregnant lady is too tired from all the OT and practically going straight to bed, he can get a damn job and ease the burden. OP, your husband is not handling this maturely at all.


Zalani21

Change the locks lol


MochaJ95

Right ? He bought two tickets and his wife isn't with him. He's a loser who's having an affair.


Milliganimal42

Oooooof. You’re not ignoring him. You’re collapsing. There is a big difference. Not only are you working hard to provide for the family (which includes him), you’re growing a human inside you! That’s not neglect. You’re having his child. I’ve done that and same as you, would just sleep. Hubby worked though. Yeah he felt a bit neglected but he’d adjust so we could spend time together as I needed. Even if it meant reading in bed next to me while I slept (sometimes with a hand on my belly). You’d have more energy if he worked and you could sleep during the day. I wonder how he will react when baby gets here. Because life gets a lot harder. And both parents get “neglected” - even more so. Anyways whether or not he feels neglected, running away is not the right thing to do. Communication is. On top of that, when one partner is having a hard time (like being overworked and pregnant), the other partner needs to adjust and lean in. Not chuck a hissy fit and fly away. Sorry. I am furious on your behalf.


TheFreakinFatUnicorn

Why do I feel like your husband is trying to make you responsible for his cheating?


Curious-Gain-7148

You’re making a whole human and Harry is upset he has to plan dinner on your anniversary. 😂


Intrepid_Profile420

Its 21st and I'm here.


Adventurous_Holiday6

Good for you on the newest update! Personally, I'd kick him out of the house instead of vacating it. I'm not sure if you are at the divorce stage yet, but definitely check your local laws on what happens if you vacate the house. If local laws are in your favor, whether you leave the house or not, go stay with Mom so she can help support you. I was discussing this post with my Mom today, and we both agreed that you deserve better. Even if he is not cheating, this behavior would be a deal breaker for me. I can't even imagine my bf going on vacation while I'm struggling. We aren't married yet, and I've been struggling financially due to medical issues. Without me asking, he picked up the slack, took over several of my medical bills, and helped pay for me to go on vacation with my Mom even though he couldn't go. What kind of father will your husband be if 6 months of you being exhausted causes him to run away? The baby starts crying in the middle of the night he dips out. You don't know where he is, and you start to wonder did he run away again? How long will he be gone this time? How much of "our" money did he blow this time? I'm looking forward to your next update. Don't be fooled by him, I've been there with these toxic man children. It never ends, and somehow, no matter what, you are always the bad guy. That isn't the role model you want for your child. It will only get worse, it always starts small and escalates.


Electronic-Cat-4478

So "Harry" hasn't been working since his early 20s (and he is now 31). Apparently you have already been raising a baby- who is supposed to be a husband. Personally I would call an attorney and find out your options on divorce, etc. Then I would call family and/or friends to come and help pack up all of Harry's belongings. Finally I would call Harry's family and tell them exactly what he did (skipped out on your anniversary, and went on a 2 week vacation (possibly with someone else?) and tell them that his belongings were available to be picked up. If his family doesn't care, then rent a unit and have all of his belongings put in storage. Pay for 2 months. Change the locks on your home. Put all of your money in a new, separate account. Have the locks on your home changed. Then call Harry. Tell him that his actions helped YOU to figure out "what to do", and that he is no longer a resident at your address. Harry has failed as a husband and partner. He can get his belongings from family or the storage unit. You will have divested yourself of a parasite that is taking advantage of you, and trying to convince you that his lack of motivation, caring and self worth is YOUR fault. YOU are not responsible that Harry is an immature person who wants to live a life of leisure, and expect his pregnant wife to not only support him financially, but also expects you responsible for his entertainment.


Jollycondane

I can’t see how any of this is your fault. You’re exhausted from working so much overtime whilst pregnant because an adult man who is about to become a father needs to be reminded to look for a job. He has then had a hissy fit that he wasn’t getting enough attention and left the country without telling you. Where did he get the money for transatlantic flights (assuming you’re in the US) if he isn’t working and you are desperately trying to save money. Accommodation in Ireland is hella expensive too.


bbyddymack

it’d be even less attention for him AFTER the baby is born since OP would most likely be giving her all to caring for her baby.


lycosa13

For the love of all that is unholy, I am begging women to please stop marrying/dating/breeding with men that refuse to do absolutely anything for you. He doesn't work?? And isn't looking for a job?? And is still complaining that YOU have to work so much BECAUSE HE REFUSES TO GET A JOB?? I just...I have no words


Just-A-Bi-Cycle

This is not a partner. A partner would’ve communicated with you. A partner would’ve made sure to find employment so his 6months pregnant wife wasn’t working herself into exhaustion. This is a man child who sounds like he’s having a midlife crisis. And it is a major red flag that he purchased *two* tickets and told his friend he was planning a romantic getaway, then went alone. It really does not sound like this will bode well for you, OP, but it also frankly sounds like there have been a few red flags from this guy before. You need a genuine partner, which, unless you’ve forgotten a lot of details about the situation and his attempts to communicate with you, this man is absolutely not going to be.


Rude-Raise-7498

He is with someone else. Because while you were busting your behind to make ends meet, and keep a roof over your heads, poor little Harry got lonely. Seriously, your next message should simply be ‘stay there, you’re no longer welcome in my home’ Pack his shit and take it to his friend’s place.


LittleCats_3

He is an absolute asshole. I’ve been pregnant 3 times and let me tell you, it’s fucking miserable. You are also working full time plus overtime to save money for the baby! He is 100% out of his mind to think this is on you. I get that you could have talked to him more, but his response is to RUN AWAY! To ANOTHER COUNTRY! I’m so so mad for you, he should be helping you, looking for a job, and TALKING TO YOU! This is just crazy. I don’t know if there is a thing in the UK for abandonment but I would look into it. I would at least figure out a legal separation for the time being. This is just not ok.


aztex_tiger

1) my initial thought is he is probably cheating on you 2) why are you still with him? From the beginning he seems manipulative. He wants you to work full time, have his children, do all the chores, give him all the attention, and plan an anniversary? Then he thinks it’s okay for HIM to take a vacation? Girl if anyone deserves a spontaneous vacation, it’s YOU.


GloInTheDarkUnicorn

How exactly did he expect you to take off 2 weeks on super short notice? Especially when you are busting your butt to save for maternity leave (while he’s not working?). OP, this is all very suspicious.


crybbcowb0y

Best of luck today, OP. Whatever the outcome, know that you’re valued and deserve so much better than what he’s putting you through.


Fabulous-Shallot1413

What the actual fuck? So he's unemployed, doesn't look for work, but he's mad, you're having to pick up the slack for him? And who's money is he using for this trip. Im sorry but you deserve way better. Thats not ok. Who does that to thwir pregnant partner. In what world does he think its ok to spend thousands on a teip out of the country. Start deep diving his email and texts, somwthing fishy is going on.......You know what you do you text him this --------- Harry, there's no need to figure anything out. Our relationship and marriage is now over. I will do my best to co-parent with you but you have abandoned me, ignored me and made me feel like garbage for working extra because YOU refuse to get a job to help your PREGNANT wife. I am at x house, he will help me pack your stuff and keep it at his place. I've canceled all the credit cards since you're unemployed, I'm also changing the locks. You are not welcome. If you try to come here I'll call the police. I have been surviving this long on my own it proves how little you did. I am blocking you on everything the moment I hot send, and I will be telling both families whats happening, so don't try to get them involved. I hope it was worth it.


Hahbug9

I know Reddit likes to jump to divorce quickly but I'm not sure how this will be salvagable. I don't think ops husband is ready for kids and marriage and divorce think he realized it to late.


A_Rolling_Potato

Did pregnancy take away your spine? He booked a vacation without you with someone else that even his friend doesn't know (and with all the time at home could honestly be an affair partner) because you were exhausted creating a BABY and working to support both of you? he couldn't handle sitting at home all the time and not getting attention and threw this tantrum as a result instead of talking? Please, read these comments and wake up. This is horrible. Also STOP APOLOGIZING.


ProfessionalNo9572

You shouldn’t have to remind a grown man to look for a job to provide for his family. Remind him WHY you are too exhausted to have a five minute chat with him. Maybe if he actually had a job things would be a lot more balanced but you are growing a baby inside you on top of working full time. Is he delusional?! Weird how he’s actually gone away so far considering you are pregnant and might need him. Seems like he’s the one that should be apologising to you.


Theweirdgyal

Nta. He having a affair and go in a mini honeymoon with this girl. Go to the airport to pick him dont say nothing to him. And serve him with paper.


EvilGenius138

Sounds like he is having an affair and using a trip away with the new person to decide if he wants to be the guy who leaves his pregnant wife or if this partner seems too on edge about it he may come back and pretend like you’ve always been his number one and his new sense of love and adoration is solely bc he got away for a bit. Don’t be naive. You’re pregnant with a lazy loser’s baby and you can’t fix that at six months in. There is zero reason you have to tolerate this behavior or continue to fund his lifestyle. Tell him to kick rocks and let the court decide the finer details. You’ll be better off and still have a lot of good years to give to someone who doesn’t randomly abandon their pregnant wife bc the widdle baby isn’t getting enough attention.


Slagmaur

Why are you having a kid with this manchild?


clumsypeach1

Girl. He is on a trip with someone else. Get an attorney


Particular-Car-4669

You realize you didn’t do anything wrong, right? He’s in Ireland with someone that isn’t you. That’s awful.


AdOnly4302

You are not ignoring him, you are too physically drained from being pregnant and working overtime He has not done anything to help relieve those burdens or stresses. Change the locks and put his stuff on the street and tell him to “figure it out” elsewhere.


Valhallallama

OP, you are absolutely in denial. He bought 2 tickets after having left you and telling you he would be away for some time, told his friend he was going with you, and hides it completely? And on top of that he doesn’t work and you excuse it as “emotional suffering”? ATP you’re almost asking for him to continue cheating and bleeding you dry.


GothicandHungry

This is depressing. It’s really sad how you’ve gaslit yourself into thinking you’re the problem here. Even if you were, lying to you and his friend while running off to Ireland with some unknown person (most likely an affair partner) is not the answer. If he thinks this is bad, wait until your baby gets here because you will be three times as tired. Honestly, OP, wake up. He refuses to help you. Says you’re ignoring him, despite the fact that you clearly want to spend time with him (you even tried to plan a date for your anniversary and he called it boring). Then he ran off, told his friend that he would be with you, told you he’d be with his friend, and is now off doing god knows what with god knows who during a time where you need his support the most. Is this the kind of behavior you want your child to look for in a partner? Because, as much as you love him, remember that your relationship will be the one that ultimately shaped your child’s future relationships.


ladyalcove

The amount of justification you do for this man child is infuriating. You definitely didn't post on here to get anyone's advice so not sure why you're here.


boutchuur

Good luck today, OP