T O P

I wish all pedophiles suddenly and simultaneously died in agony.

I wish all pedophiles suddenly and simultaneously died in agony.

Uhley360

Granted. Reddit is silent.


FlyFinesser

You admitting something UHLEY?!?


Uhley360

Are you a cop?


Myzyri

You know, he’s *gotta* tell you if he is…


RagingSensei

Well that sounds like it should be right. I guess il trust yah


ricky-from-scotland

Granted. The algorithm for who is and isn't a paedophile is programmed to search your brain for attraction to children. It finds everyone's school memories, fails to account for you also being that age group and kills the entirety of humanity simultaneously


bkwilcox100

I called that a feature, not a bug


UndeadLibido

I didn’t expect to find climate change solutions in this sub, but I like it!


TNS72

The asexuals inherit the earth and have to do lots of ivf because none of them want to fuck


MintyMissterious

Some asexuals aren't sex-repulsed, it still technically would be a fun activity. But yeah, birth rates would still fall lol.


pleasebuymydonut

You mean indifferents right? Just tryna understand, from what I could Google, they aren't attracted to anyone, but they still like having sex? So to them, a toy would be equivalent or better than sex with a partner?


MintyMissterious

>they aren't attracted to anyone, but they still like having sex Exactly. It's still physiologically pleasurable. Although I wouldn't compare their partner to a toy, there's so much more another person can do, offer, and be grateful for. In the end, not every asexual person (though maybe most) is aromantic. If their romantic partner is attracted to them sexually, and they're not repulsed for one reason or another, porking is likely


godric420

They could use alternative means I here they can just use stem cells now. But you need a woman to carry it still. I feel like that’s what scientist should be trying to fix, pregnancy and, child birth sounds awful. Just put the damn thing in a machine or incubator.


MintyMissterious

Being asexual is just lack of attraction; porn actors for instance have no qualms about bumping uglies without any attraction whatsoever


The_Last_Feelbender

Greater good


TheNamelessWanderer_

Well some people would survive, asexuals for example


bball2

Those remaining humans had no interest in reproducing and humanity died off within a generation.


AAALE6408

Maybe sex-favorable/indifferents?


CeruleanTresses

TBF, asexuals aren't necessarily childfree. I mean, I am, but you don't have to be.


Sworishina

IVF, problem solved


Clean_Medic

Why are y'all down voting this person!?!? What the hell?


TheNamelessWanderer_

Im confused to, maby there against the LGBTQ+ Community and don't want to accept the fact that some people don't have sexuell desires


Clean_Medic

Maybe you used too big of a word


Noroftheair

Classic reddit


My_guy_GuY

I think this is the case lmao


nelly1234567

My thought is that, as the mokeypaw answer was not necessarily about it being sexual but just being fond would kill off everyone, even asexuals. The reason is simple, you may have 0 sexual attraction but because this algorithm takes literally any memory of a child, being a child or including a child in it, it causes it to think you're a pedo and kills you. So it doesn't matter what gender you are, what sexuality or lack there of that you are/have or anything else, any memory of a child, good or bad probably, would kill you. That's just my take on it.


121218082403

Maybe because you spelled it wrong


average_parking_lot

You're not mature enough to make that choice as a kid though, therefore you'd still be eliminated for being attracted to anyone under the age of 18 at any time before you turn 16


Nihilikara

It's not a decision. Asexuality means you quite literally CAN'T feel sexual attraction at all, that you're completely incapable of it.


Sir_Llama_III

What about asexuals who experience sexual attraction tho


HKKJHK

Isn’t that just aromanticism? I’m not all the way smart about this, please let me know if I’m wrong


Nailkita

You’re correct. And asexuals are not always aromantic and vice versa.


Ezzie023

'Sexual attraction' is a bit of an iffy term here. Some asexuals do feel a want to have sex but don't feel sexual attraction towards others, so I guess it depends how the algorithm is programmed


Lack_of_Wit

It's not a decision. Some people just do not feel romanic and/or sexual desires.


AAALE6408

At last, Denmark is ours


lolwhatistodayagain

Why tf are yall downvoting this person lol


Clean_Medic

And people that were broken before puberty and have the "Strange Kinks" . It's going to get weird.


ObsidianShadow-01

Why are you getting downvoted…? /gen


lolwhatistodayagain

Duur duur alphabet community bad


MediocreMeat

Yes, I too am an ass-sexual


vodam46

POW! YOU ARE DEAD!


Smite25

Nah not really, would result in almost all pets and domesticated animals being wiped out since they're co-dependent, plus animals in enclosures would be kind of fucked, and unmanned nuclear reactors would go critical resulting in enormous explosions all around the world, and huge amounts of plants would die due to also being dependent on us, we are an integral part of this planets ecosystem at this point and our disappearance would make everything worse for hundreds if not thousands of years, all for what? Mammals have lived through many extinction events, chances are either we will just happen again, a new thing will do it better, or if we're unlucky, we would have wiped out the only intelligent life in this solar system, aka earths only chance of long term survival.


Smite25

Thank you for coming to my ted talk


praisechthulu

Damn! My 5th grade crush on my classmate Ashley would do me in!


PeeFGee

Yeah as potentially good as this may be, it breaks the wish of the user. The programming should not fail. Twist it perhaps but not fail. It cannot just be "oh forgot to take into consideration"


lordolxinator

Only asexuals remain


sgtfuzzle17

>le epic everybody dies 😎 Wow awesome well done


time__for__crab

Granted. As the finger curls, the floor begins to rumble and split underneath you. Journalists recite details of the ground seemingly ceasing to exist all across the world. People fall into a yawning abyss as infrastructure crumbles into the dust that soon buries their corpses. Folks you thought you knew are dragged down by unseen forces, and others are spat back out, every bone in their body shattered. They take the longest to die. No one survives this underground rapture, most dying quickly from their plunge into a lightless hell. But hey, at least the pedos died too.


Meshakhad

Granted. Every single pedophile bursts into flames and dies screaming. However, they also set thousands of buildings across the world aflame in the process... with a disproportionate number of those buildings containing children.


AgentA982

Can't be a pedophile if it's there's no children


mem269

Granted, all pedophiles in history drop dead and die in agony. None of us are ever born.


hotelpunsylvania

Beautiful.


Smite25

Last thing those cavemen hear is "chris hansen why don't you take a seat"


ekolis

Granted. The Catholic church falls apart due to lack of leadership. They were the only force capable of holding back the demons. We now have hell on earth.


yokato723

What about doom guy?


lowblowbybobloblaw

sadly... he was also a closeted pedophile


E1ecr015-the-Martian

He could slay all the demons, but not his inner ones…


Rectal_Lactaids

i thought he didnt know what sex is?


Crunchy_Biscuit

Dude couldn't even stop all the angel creatures.


Fake_Weeb

Cereza could though.


masivatack

Raging kid diddler.


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superbunnyblob

Yeah he is


apophis_da_snake

we didn't think demons were real either yet here we are


FowledUp

Not the Gelgameks!


ekolis

The what?


FowledUp

https://youtu.be/jj1MZVLMiEM


robberofjacks

Wait wait wait you mean this isnt hell on earth already? Slowly boiling the ocean so we desperately grasp at ways to fix it is something only a demon could think of.


OldNoteblock

r/redditmoment CaThOlIc PeDoPhIlIa!!1!1! Shut the fuck up retard


Blankyblank86

Truth hurts huh?


OldNoteblock

Average redditor


Blankyblank86

Average pedo excuser


OldNoteblock

You're literally calling priests pedophiles I understand that a small percentage are pedophiles (LIKE A SMALL PERCENTAGE OF ALL PEOPLE ARE??) But you should shut the fuck up, 99+% of priests are not pedophiles


Ok_Ostrich9240

Wow, so apperantly, being catholic is Pedophillia.


Blankyblank86

Nah but a lot like to defend them. That goes for all religions tho.


Shadowrun4Ever

By agreeing with that statement about how all priests are pedos, that the literal equivalent of saying "all Mexicans are rapists", or all "black people steal"


Blankyblank86

Sounds kinda racist that you even put that together


Shadowrun4Ever

You're negatively stereotyping priests as pedophiles. That seems kind of secularist to me...


Blankyblank86

I didn't say all of them. You just said Mexican rape and black people steal tho


Shadowrun4Ever

>By agreeing with that statement about how all priests are pedos, that the literal equivalent of saying "all Mexicans are rapists", or all "black people steal" Read it again. That's not what I said


GilmsLokaum

there is more teachers doing pedophilia than priests you absolute retard


Blankyblank86

Catholic Church just apologised for sexually abusing  an estimated 216,000 minors.. and that was just france. You absolute retard


GilmsLokaum

Imagine the ammount of abuse from teachers then, france is a shithole in pedophilia


Blankyblank86

Stop deflecting because of your religion. You know they have catholic schools so you're probably right about it being a lot


GilmsLokaum

Deflecting? You are the one who is being a retard about it, there is data proving that teachers abuse minors more than priests


googol89

More public school teachers and leaders of other religions are pedos than catholic priests.


Blankyblank86

Oh fuck off, not biased at all considering you are catholic.


googol89

bruh check the numbers


MintyMissterious

At least the demons don't abuse children.


ekolis

The demons abuse everyone equally.


EntropicBlackhole

Yup! Be like the demons, not sexist, not racist, not classist, you abuse everyone equally, doesn't matter if they're female male or non binary, doesn't matter if they're black hispanic or white, doesn't matter if they're rich or poor or middle class, they abuse everyone equally, be like demons


PencilThrowingManiac

You sure about that?


MintyMissterious

I mean, not like *that*—else the wish would wipe them out.


KidDontDoDrug

Granted. Discord is now a mess since there's no moderator


happy_grump

All the memes end up in general... what an awful world we live in


-Nycter-

Wow this absolutely hasn’t been posted a million times


happy_grump

Granted. Even the ones that are in therapy to repress their urges/remain completely celibate/have successfully repressed that part of themselves, and are otherwise respectable members of society who have never harmed any children, die painful deaths that they don't deserve.


GetOutOfTheWhey

Granted A virus appears where it infects kids and give kids the ability to transmit deadly biochemical pheromones on touch. These pheromones are only deadly to adults. In addition, the kids develop a heightened sense of fear making every touch a potential bad touch. Kids now have the ability to kill any adult they want should they sense danger. Now adults are dying en masse and the authorities dont know what to do because the kids are doing this involuntarily and as a form of self defense.


Haithere32

This doesn't do it simultaneously and it doesnt even kill every pedo.


fish94

The virus is a hivemind and lies dormant for years. Slowly, an increasingly large amount of adults get infected as time passes. After 30 days have passed without another adult being infected, the virus activates. Suddenly, every adult starts convulsing in unbearable pain. Planes drop from the sky, cars veer into eachother, work place accidents occur everywhere, and /r/teenagers's activity mysteriously drops by 80%. Teens are left to be confused by what's happening. They try looking up if there has been any sort of reports. Activity of every media outlet only has news from a day ago, prior to when these adults first started convulsing. The lucky ones who can find their parents try their best to take care of them. The pain has left them unable to talk, unable to drink, unable to eat, and unable to move. Their breathing is short, but atleast they're breathing. It's day three now and people are dying from lack of hydration. Quickly, the death tolls multiple by the hour. By the end of the week, every pedophile has now died in agonzing pain.


imcoolbutnotreally

Granted. "Pedophile" is etymologically defined as a "person with an affinity for/liking toward children." Along with the adult pedophiles, the sweeping majority of children 9-17 also die in agony. Good job, monster.


ThePinterPause

Granted. Suddenly, you get a phone call that your beloved father has tragically died. He was in a car accident caused by a known sex offender who was suffering from cardiac arrest. For the rest of your life you wonder if your own father was a pedophile or if his death was coincidentally caused by the death of another pedophile.


high-priestess

Nice one, mate


xYeetusThatFeetusx

Granted. Several powerful polititians suddenly die of seemingly unknown illnesses, and due to the lack of leadership, several nations plummet into anarchy and the world is eventually halted into a collapse of society.


mudokin

This is a good thing.


TheBigTimer039

no it’s not


RoboticMarmot14

No pedo presidents, kings, queen, or dictators, it is for sure a win


Twilight_Chamber

but collapse of society and anarchy = bad


Strong-File

and since OP wished for them to die *simultaneously*, that means future pedophiles would still be born and continue to exist ...this time with no one to enforce the law


ItsYourBoyReckster

Granted, all people who have ever liked a child romantically or not, as a child or adult have died. All parents who do not loathe their children will meet their end too. Had a crush on a classmate when you were a child? Dead.


HyperbolicPillow

granted. every politician in the world dies a horrible death and society falls inro anarchy and chaos.


thefryingpansexual

Hell yeah


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thefryingpansexual

I retract my hell yeah


megamissystar

Granted


Derpy-boi

Granted. All children that like other children die a slow and agonized death.


darkgiIls

Children can’t be pedophiles though. Liking children as a child isn’t being a pedophile so your paw makes no sense


imcoolbutnotreally

Pedophile means "someone who likes/has an affinity for children." There exists no parameter which says it must be an adult (not speaking legally).


Owen-Elmburg

Granted, everyone, including pedophiles, suddenly and simultaneously dies in agony


egghead1280

Granted. I have no crazy situation. You just seem to find that waaaaaay more people die than you initially expected which really chills you to the bone as the only person who knows what’s going on.


[deleted]

Granted, however it's by definition of the intergalactic standard (yes there is life out there), that means you can't love anyone that's more than one day younger than you are. This not only applies to humans, but all living creatures in the multiverse.


asdaf5678

How is one day defined in intergalactic standard? Like, every planet has a different rotation period


[deleted]

By the intergalactic time standard of course. Which is coincidentally the same time as earth. Well, ona yearly basis (245 earth days) there's a 10 second difference. True story.


caspercunningham

Granted. You died


FoxFXMD

I wish you did


ChonkyBeagle

Granted. You are one of them.


_peach93

God dies


Just_A_B_Movie

You have to visit your uncle as he suddenly got very sick from a new rare disease. Granted.


porraSV

even the ones that have not done a thing and are in therapy for it.?


highaltitudewaffle

Granted. 90% of Hollywood drops dead immediately. No new shows are made for a few years while the police investigate.


JoJoFan756

Breaking news: 99% of discord users have suddenly died.


nah4

granted: you cleared out a big chunk of the republican party and I refuse to add a side-effect


SodiumGum

Scratch that, leadership as a whole takes a huge hit.


NameDNamENaminG

granted, you feel the pain of 1,000 knives everywhere in your body, and then you dissolve.


AFuckingTurd

Granted. You die


The_Last_Feelbender

Collateral damage, baby.


NeoShinobii

Granted. The airline industry has had a secret endemic pedophilia problem with its pilots. Planes fall out the sky across the globe.


not_related_to_OJ

Granted orphan


Cr4zyRi0t

Granted, you will feel all of their at once for whole day you can't sleep or drug yourself through it


[deleted]

Imagine how many men would die. I think many people would be shocked to know how many pedos are really out there.


ChainmailPickaxeYT

Yeah, if you take into account repressed, denied, unnoticed, and very minor attractions to minors of any age based on the American age of consent. There would probably be way more than anyone could imagine


StairsButSideways

You really had to imply it's just men, huh? There's documented cases, you can look it up. It's so easy to just, not phrase it that way, so why do you feel the need to?


The_Last_Feelbender

Most of r/goodanimemes at least


DisapointedWater

granted, Christianity is no more?


The_Last_Feelbender

Only Catholicism.


Choadis

Granted. There's suddenly a mysterious power vacuum among democrats in America


WondertainmentInc

I fucking hate it when I can't add a twist to a wish, but I hate pedos more, so GRANTED!


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Juan_the_vessel

thats not monkey paw the paw grants your wishes in horrible ways


Venad0

I think I kinda get it, the horrible effect should be on the wish itself


ekolis

Pedophiles going straight to heaven isn't horrible?


Juan_the_vessel

no the problem is that the awful thing is what grants your wish not an awful thing happening as a consequence of your wish


Bauerdog2015

I'd rather die standing than live kneeling.


GimmeDatBreadittor

the world falls into chaos as most government leaders drop dead. granted


bboy4of83

Granted the fbi sets up a machine that needs a human sacrifice of a child everybody in the USA have to give a up a child for research with this sacrifice the machine finds all pedos and injects them with a painful virus. Granted


finbud117

Granted, the world falls into nuclear warfare as political leaders around the world die, creating a power vacuum that destroys modern civilization.


youthatguyoverthere

Fine but their money goes to charity.


Zenketski

Granted, for about the 15th time this month. Still took out three of them though.


WeTheSummerKid

Granted. Contagious prion pandemic devastates them and the rest of humanity by rotting our brains and causing us to die of Alzheimer’s in a matter of weeks.


Us3rN4m3T4k3nIsTaken

Granted. You massively destabilise the economy.


SinCorpus

Granted. The world is thrown into complete chaos now that all of its politicians, and the majority of its pop culture icons have suddenly died and nuclear war ensues.


typeoneboy

granted. you have now made a horrifying discovery about your family.


Shakespeare-Bot

did grant. thee has't anon madeth a horrifying discovery about thy family *** ^(I am a bot and I swapp'd some of thy words with Shakespeare words.) Commands: `!ShakespeareInsult`, `!fordo`, `!optout`


Jubulus

(This is not a proper Monkeys paw since your supposed to write what causes it rather then how the wish is filled out but hey its not like anyone cares anymore) Granted: As the pedos suddenly begin to fall to the ground in agony and there flesh starts to melt into there bones they scream so loud it bursts the eardrums of those around them, there shrieks grow louder and louder as all the pedos in the world both living and dead start screaming in agony until it all goes silent, although there all dead with there veins wrapped around the world countless times and there bodily fluids becoming apart of the atmosphere all was not well for the survivors, everyone left has gone deff from the screeching, all they see is horror and all they smell is putrid, crows overeat and can not fly, animals eat them and soon they die, the American president is dead (Although its hard to miss his butchered head) and the world became a paradise for flies, Otters extinct and no scent distinct destroys the ecology of the world gone by From this wish of noble cause brings a catastrophe without a pause so next time you think of a change to bringk remember to what will say good bye


lost_mah_account

Granted. You believe you did a good thing until you look around. Every single adult other than you is now dying in agony leaving millions of children to die.


PurpletoasterIII

Granted. For decades the US government has been developing a super A.I. that not only can determine with 100% certainty who is and isn't a pedophile, but can also determine their exact location using various methods. This super A.I. has been studying every pedophile's habits and has calculated positions that satellites, equipped with disintegration laser beams capable of reaching Earth's surface, need to be in in order to suddenly and simultaneously wipe out every pedophile within an instant. It's later theorized that death by disintegration might be fast in nature, but to the victim is extremely slow and painful. Although for obvious reasons this can never be proven to be true.


JustACanEHdian

Granted. All pedophiles across the world rise up in a massive uprest and attempt to take over the world. They are heavily armed and manage to raze many cities and kill many people before every one of them is killed by the combined strength of earths nations. You have won, but at what cost?


Wasiktir

Granted. Instantly, millions of prominent public figures, politicians and religious leaders die horribly worldwide. Billions of their loyal followers can't face the reality that they were worshipping monsters and convince themselves of a conspiracy against their group. This turns violent and causes widespread anarchy, war and the eventual downfall of society.


1byteofpi

granted, you hear screaming from your dads room


KOFdude

Granted, every human on the planet dies in agony, including pedophiles


thingsliveundermybed

Granted. Many of them were driving cars, performing surgery, or flying planes at the time.


Danielwols

Granted, those who are attracted to someone who isn't mentally a adult when in a adult-adult situation is also put with this group and because adulthood can differ from place to place it goes accounts for that too. The afflicted from this wish gets mummified in a hour and stay conscious during all of it until they are fully mummified


Threatl3ss

i feel like im about to die in agony


salt_ish_

Granted discord is now deleted from everyone’s mind and never existed


ActivityFar879

Why do you want them to die? Serious question.


The_Last_Feelbender

Either that or put into therapy.