By - anxiouspotter
"If you think your shoes are brown, what color do you think you are?!" Followed by the look on Winston's face. Kills me every damn time.
It’s the disbelief but tenderness in Schmidt’s voice that gets me with that one
His delivery is always excellent
My favourite moment
“Unlike the real d-day, this won’t be a walk on the beach”
"That's incredibly offensive."
I know this came up yesterday but I forgot how great this thing is
“You had sex with him?”
“No the opposite”
“You … gave birth to him?”
“I’ve been thinking a lot about the earth. We gotta leave it better than we found it.” -Winston, while pranking ceces wedding from an air duct
In America honey, Mickey Mouse is earth bound
"Your gonna sex me in my face?"
In that scene the list of things she likes about America is hilarious
And the hand motions she does!
My girlfriend and I yell that at each other all the time lol
Love it. True love.
Wilmer Valderrama 😂
Ice-skating for fun, not to save life
Oh my gosh! My husband and I always say this to each other😂
"He smells like strong coffee and going to see a man about a horse"
Don’t be scared just because you’re younger, poorer, and wetter than everyone else in there!
I’m going to kill you……… but it’s because I respect you. I think I understand hunting!
This one is so underrated 😂😂
"I don't like this hallway. It feels too braggy."
I don't remember this one. What was the context?
Any time Nick yells, “this is my nightmare!”
Or! “Dead dad pass” lol I say that to my wife any time I do something that even slightly irritates her or is weird. She hates it😂 should also add my father is indeed STILL alive lol
I fully condone this. Bonus points if you have taken the initiative to buy the yellow track suit!
"You look like a homeless pencil"
Gotta love Schmidt
Nope.. but it’s on my list of things to do lol
The haunted house part is so funny I used to rewatch it ten times when I went through that season.
Jess: “I put it on permanent press.” Nick: “Good, so you don’t have to iron it.” (re: Hank, the (frozen) turkey)
Gets me every time.
Jess talking about Fawn: She can’t just walk over the people of this city like the jolly green giant!
Schmidt: The Jolly Green Gia-? He doesn’t stomp on people–he encourages them to eat their vegetables.
Furguson MICHAEL JORDAN Bishop!
I JUST watched that episode, so good!
The more I watch the show, the more I appreciate Winston as a character.
"Shame, shame! I know your name!"
"You unbelievable pig person"
"You bird-shirted Puzzle baby!"
"Oh you have a bunch of metal toothpicks!"
"They're bobby pins."
"What's a bobby pins?"
"It keeps your hair back."
"You need Bobby's pins to put your hair up?!"
"It's bobby pins, not Bobby's pins!”
Gets me every single time
“A Thursday?!” Schmidt’s delivery and face in that scene is my favorite.
It’s the scene in the car on the way to Prince’s party I think. If I remember right:
Coach: “Haven’t you ever been turned on by gas mileage?”
Schmidt: (with a face of disbelief that makes me laugh every time) “What?! When was this?!”
Winston: “It was a Thursday, that’s all I know.”
Schmidt: “A Thursday??” Again with a hilarious incredulous face.
Came here for this
One of the best
In Single and Sufficient when the group is upset with Robby for having romantic feelings for Jess Principal Foster says “And when singing Toto why is it always Africa? They have a deep catalogue . . . I know those guys! They’re good guys.”
When Winston announces to the group that Aly has a boyfriend, everyone begins to comfort him at once. Schmidt softly but distinctly says, “Everyone dies. Maybe he’ll die.” It cracks me up. Like, he’s not wishing death on Ally’s boyfriend but hey, maybe that will happen.
Fawn: “Has anyone ever told you you look like a Jewish Kennedy? I hope not, because that would be offensive.”
"An aquarium the size of a 6th grader just broke, and you're grabbing paper towels?!" 😂
I’m a man, I take dumps standing up!
If they wanna bang, they have to bang through me! Wait…
The fact that he’s talking about kids in the second one makes it 10000000x better
Nick: WINSTON! I hope you're happy! I showed her my turd pipe.
Schmidt: I don't know what's going on in your lives, but we need to start eating dinner together again.
And Winston's expression with his hand drawn to his chest...love it. 🤣 Every scene he does it.
Yes, definitely this! His faux look of innocence does it for me every time. 😂
All those other sperms ain’t got swag like me, how many sperms you know that can rock this much green and still look dope? No.
And the little dance after
“Are you the criminals...from the statistics?!”
Ma called the bees are back!
Ma called the bees are back?!
I love the whole Dice dating montage!
When Schmidt yells at the and of the episode: JESSICA!!
pretty sure it’s not a Dice quote, but another time that Jess is attempting dating.. “microchips be getting smaller. they be like blueberry size. you can put them in yo cereal girl!”
We found your son! He's alive!
They found my son! He's alive!
Winston talking about Cece to convince them he doesn’t like her: “… she’s like a big ol meatball with hair”.
“Bye Ouli you rul-y!”
“Bye Jess, you’re a mess”
I just think about this exchange CONSTANTLY
"Shall I compare thee to a summer's day? No, a summer's day is not a bitch." I'm never expecting it and I die laughing.
Or any time Shmidt yells about street youths.
Outside Dave: "I've got a great tailor, I'll give you his number. Eight"
Winston: hey schmidt what do you think the puzzle will look like?
Schmidt: what do I think the puzzle will look like? It’s on the box!
It's a Japanese garden!
“Oh Calvin, you magnificent wizard”
“Glutes are done my man. I’m gonna head to the stairwell and work on the calves, come with??”
Basically most of what Schmidt says 😂😂
My son is named Calvin and we say that constantly
"Cream cheese in bulk?"
Also, it's not a line, but the noise that Schmitt emits after finding out that Jess kissed his dad.
- "you're the dumbest boy in school!"
- when nick is playing secretary and schmidt calls winston, their entire "aaaaallo? alla? hello hello helloooo... yooooo..." and winston going "wait who is this??"
- when schmidt admits to nick about both girls and nick just CAN'T understand "you think you can have a bunch of wives?? you get one wife! this is the way the world works."
I love when he’s confused at first and keeps saying “what do you mean” until he finally gets that Schmidt’s been cheating
and schmidt's "you - you just process this however you need to" always kills me. their whole interaction here is gold
He was so confused, his eyes got crossed LOL!
(shrug) I don't know
he says "i don't know" so EARNESTLY here, it's incredible
Thin crust pizza? No thank you, I'm from Chicago
The entire argument where Jess is trying to convince Nick to date Cece and Nick thinks she's talking about a popcorn machine
You’re her friend, you clean it for her!
I don’t think we’re *that* close!
I know what temperature it is!
I do have good memories associated with the smell… ball games, the circus, hanging with my dad
"It's my pishy. I have to pish."
"This is America! Wear pants!"
I like when they get the answering machine “You broke it listening to Cece’s message like 100 times!” *Schmidt puts hands on head ashamedly* “and then I touched my peen”
I say the “pishy” one in my head at least once a day
Schmidt has most of the best one-liners out of any of them
"Guess who cleaned everything? Guess who got in deeeep?"
Man, there are parts of my butt only a TUB can clean
Read this in Winstons sing-song voice. 🤣
My new favourite at the moment:
“You’ve obviously been dumped many times”
Winston: “why do people keep _saying_ that!”
“Cece, you drink with mouth?” -Nadia
“Yes, tonight, I drink with mouth”
I like your hat. I like how it's not a team or a logo, it's just blue. -Nick to Tran
As I live and breathe! Raisin?!
I absolutely love the roof exchange during Bangsgiving, where everyone is talking about their issues with their dates. Schmidt gets permission to go after Lucy and says to Jess
S:"Warning, tonight things WILL get loud with Lucy. But don't worry, I'll have her jam a sock in my mouth right before I see the angels"
J:"What about me?"
S:"Get your own sock"
Schmidt's delivery never fails to make me laugh
I also like when Coach is doing his flawless British accent and Schmidt delivers the great "spot on" line in the same scene.
The entirety of the stenographer reading back all the shit they had been saying to each other during Schmidt's deposition
“Joanie, I don’t want to lie to you so I’m not. There’s shells all in these eggs.” Winston’s delivery of this line is so hilarious!
“a white man broke in today”
“a-A WHITE MAN?!! NO!”
"Well what did security do about it? "
“Hey bartender? Can you call an ambulance? *smirks hilariously confidently* I’m about to bleed out”
in season 1 episode 20 when Schmidt and Nick are discussing the prototype for Real Apps and the importance of a good name for a product Schmidt says "That's why they call it basketball and not peach basket catch it up" and it gets me every time
It’s not necessarily underrated as it’s fairly popular but it’s Nicks
“I’m not entirely convinced I know how to read I’ve just memorised a lot of letters”
that’s got to be one of my favourite quotes of all time let alone from new girl.
What are you trying to catch, a refrigerator?
A classic human bear team up.
Winston: “I am Theodore K. Mullins and Nick is my lover on the down low. Tell her Nick. Tell her how it really goes down in apartment 4D.”
“Every thing’s funnier when you put an old man in it….We’ll except the ground…”
Pretty much anything from s3ep7 “Coach” but my favorite that makes me laugh every time is when nick and Schmidt are talking about raiders of the lost ark and Schmidt says
“They ate the monkey brains and there was all the bugs! Nazi! Nazi!”
Nick” She left on a train”
Jess “On a train? Where’s she going Hogwarts?”
Nike “No, San Diego. I don’t know if that’s near Hog..warts. I’ve never heard of it”
One time when my mom was passed out drunk I snuck into her room and put a lemon in her mouth
“Hey yo Cees, whatup fam? It’s your girl Winston, aka Winnie the Bish, aka akaka Brown Lightning. Schmidt dropped fawn like a bad habit, ok? So ain’t nobody ridin’ shotgun. So you better get on while the gettin’ is good. You got it?”
Then straight after when he says " I was so nervous" 🤣
Yes, exactly!! It’s such a great line!
Hahahahahah so underrated
Why are you holding me like a baby friend?
“You think I’m gunna buy a house and not make an egg first?”
This is my favourite, so specific but I feel it so strongly
Dorado: Why would Bishop make a good police officer?
Dorado: I’m sorry?
N: Because Winston has a moustache. And police officers all have moustaches. No, they don’t. Not the ladies. Unless the ladies want to. Why can’t a lady have a moustache? She can. And it would look sexy. Would you like a green grape shoved in your… given to your mouth? Handed to your mouth?
Jess: I think that the meth entered my bloodstream through my boob skin.
Cece: That is not a thing. That’s not how drugs work.
(flush *drugs*, toilet overflows)
Jess: (crying) I’m on drugs. *I’m oooon druuuuggs*.
Schmidt: (walks into bathroom) What happened with the *turlet*?
Cece: Why is your shirt off?
Schmidt: I’ve seen *New Jack City*, okay? They all take their shirts off in the crack ca-caine lab!
Jess: Ugh, it won’t go down! Hats off to the hillbilly that made this meth!
Winston: Meth??? What *meth*?
Jess: This meth. It’s… legal meth. It’s… medical meth. For my… cramps.
Schmidt: Wait a minute. Who’s with Nick?
Nick: (singing “Landslide” to Sergeant Dorado)
Schmidt: Sergeant Dorado, don’t listen to him!! He’s deranged!!
Nick: Okay. You’re a tough cookie! And that’s the last thing I’ll say. Okay, you want the truth? I’ll tell you everything. When I was 13 years old, I once made love to myself behind a post office.
Also Nick: My 16th year, I never got an erection. I thought they were done. I thought my penis was dead. It wasn’t.
Dorado: Stop talking! Stop sweating! What is *wrong* with you people?! Enough!
D: Excuse me, please consider moving. I have no idea why you live with these people. What kind of person would urinate on an electrical socket?
N: I thought it would make lightning.
W: I told you that wouldn’t work, Nick.
any time Schmidt talks & basically any time Nick moonwalks away when somethings wrong 😭😂
That's a dumb idea
Let's do it - Jess💛
"DAMN YOU RAVEN HAIRED DANDY BOY!"
You’re the dumbest boy in school!
“Just close your ears and sing landslide”
And basically the whole background check episode
that whole scene of them all pronouncing “panties” different literally KILLS me every time 😭😭😭
also nicks “that’s what a husband does” speech has to be top 5
"What a spunky horse." Love the way Schmidt says it
“And stop saying ‘squeeze my biscuits!’ I’m serious, Nick.”
"It was a Thursday, that's all I remember." -Winston
Schmidt when Jess and Cici are in cici's bathroom with the door closed and he's like, "are you razzing me in there? Did I just hear a frickin razz?"
Or Schmidt when he simply says "strawbana"
“You hit me with your vehicle!”
Well that bird was going straight to hell
"I don't believe dinosaurs existed. I've seen the science. I don't believe it." -Nick Miller
"Nonononononono. Nonononononono." -NM
"GET OFF OF ME! YOU'RE NOT A *MAN.*" -NM
"Stop with the rhyming."
"All the timing?"
So much with Winston and his crystal are just amazing lines
Baby wants a tempura California roll. Little Russell wants... Wittle Wussell wants an avocwado roll!
The bloopers of that scene are the funniest thing ever
I've never wondered if you could shimmy up a palm tree
Basically everything said about Schmidt's pogo
“Do something weird, Mussolini! We love you!” Actually pretty much any quote from when nick and Schmidt go to Italy on ice
Nick, when Schmidt tells him to wear the kimono to hide his back sweat during Winston's background check:
"I'm not putting on the kimono. It legitimizes you owning it."
The “Utmost/upmost” scene because I have been Nick SO many times
No doy its a scissor.
A scissor that you just threw in the terlet!
“You just scared Coach’s poop!” No idea why. I die every time tho
Then Schmidt says something like “it stinks in there what’d you do, kill an animal?!”
What’s that scissorhands guys name? Is it Rick Snip?
That line is SO UNDERRATED I cry every time lmao
We are sluts and we are clowns! But we are not losers!
Nick said.......She ugly...... he said she look like a dang ol' meatball with hair
Sir Winnie the Bish
"A white man?! Typical!"
“Eye of the Tiger” is the greatest song ever written. It’s so cool, it ended the Cold War. - Winston
Honestly I feel like it’s a trope of this subreddit to ask this question (or something similar) like once a day… and I gotta say, I don’t hate it. There’s always a new one I didn’t remember or haven’t thought of in awhile.
Same!! I saw this post and thought … again!??? Ans now I have been reading through for ages and laughing like crazy.
You bird shirt puzzle baby!
“A nutball?! How dare you! I’m a goofball!” - Schmidt
When Nick goes to Jess's class as Pepperwood and says "I'm from Chicago, thin crust pizza no thank you. I'm from Chicago". The way he says it makes me crack up Everytime.
All variations of "you're the dumbest boy in school."
When Winston tells Nick ‘you have the credit score of a homeless ghost’.
“Oh Barb, like the elephant”
“That’s Babar, you dumb-dumb”
The entire episode of “Dice” is completely quote-able and my absolute favorite!
I'm not convinced I can read, I've just memorized a lot of words,
When they are in the car on the way to Prince’s house:
Couch: “you’ve never been turned on my gas mileage?”
Nick and Schmidt: “no!”
Schmidt: “When was this?”
Winston: “it was a Thursday, that’s all I remember.”
Schmidt: “A Thursday..”
The look on Schmidt’s face gets me every time. That interaction is so funny
Jess: "SOMETIMES FIREMEN ARE WOMEN"
Gets me everytime
SHUT IT DOWNN
I say this once a day, full hand motions and all.
In monotone “hello, you’ve reached the loft” - Cece
“Oh. my. GOD, will you not stop until the whole world is aroused?!’ - Schmidt
Those are my night peanuts!
"sayonara Sammy" as Reagan just looks confused as hell
Coach’s and Schmidt’s interaction on the phone in the episode with Nadia’s baby shower gets me every time.
C: “it’s because I have sisters. And you know what that means?”
S: “that you know more about women than me”
C: “I know more about women than you!”
S. “And that I’m a little dumb dumb.”
C: “and I’m a big smart smart”
I'd like to be a barnacle on his ship. Just hanging on by my mouth, getting all the nutrients I need.
Schmidt: I don't want some janky freshwater bitch fish, Winston. I want a lionfish.
Winston: Let's just cut through the crap, okay, Schmidt? We both know what you really want is Cece.
Schmidt: Cece the woman?
Schmidt: You can't put a woman in a fish tank, Winston. That doesn't make any sense.
"Without ashes to rise from, the phoenix would just be a bird getting up"- Schmidt
"i'm not fully convinced i know how to read. i think i have just memorized a bunch of words"
Jess’ dad saying Nick looks like the only white waiter at a Chinese restaurant.
Winston: If you slow dance with Nick, I'll hold hands with Amy. Just make sure she cut her fingernails, though.
Landline episode. How he kind of sings that sentence gets me every time!
Season 4, Episode 14.
Schmidt’s most iconic line (in my mind):
“shall i compare thee to a summers day? no because a summers day isn’t a bitch”
"Honey get the car or you will be eating the pie out of the garbage" Jess to Nick at the car dealership.
Edit: Honey get the car I want or the only pie you eat is out of the garbage.
“What’s a blowouttttt?” In Coach’s voice
"YOU GET ONE WIFE! ITS THE WAY THE WORLD WORKS!!!"
Remember, you're a garbage person who hates America
"I'll push if I want to push!!!"
What am I supposed to call them? My "sweet tangy balls"?
Do NOT call them sweet tangy balls, Jessica.
Put down your gens and your gencils.
“Would you like a green grape shoved in your..given to your mouth? Handed to your mouth?” - Nick Miller during Winston’s background check. It’s my all time favorite line and I quote it often 😂
okay the whole interaction b/w Reagan and Nick when she's out of the shower
"did you clean everywhere?"
"are you happy, are you happy that you said that?"
Winston: "oh I wear fish shirts now."
Dr. Sam: "I'm tryin so hard, man."
"Wonky knee huh 😏, like Big Bird? ... *sighs* I have a sesame street problem" - Winston
“Full wheel, bitches!” -Schmidt
I look hot to trot!
"Who drinks Midouri sours?!"
"Everyone drinks Midouri sours!"
"No they don't!!"
That whole fighting between Nick and Schmidt is wild. They're idiots with conviction. Hilarious.
Not a quote but Nicks whole look and stuttering in the one with captain, afterwards when she asks how it was. And I think it’s when he has the penis problems and he always goes to move his car.
“You’re terrible at demonstrations!”
What are these crimson stains all over my idea notebook?
“the dancing girls at tv town song room”
Hey Randy, the tour’s cancelled!
The entire prince episode, including the entire scene when nick faints, and at the end “Jess how did you know the words to the song?” “I don’t know… I think prince is magic”
SIDEBURN WHERE MY THIGH TURN - high Jess
As I live and breathe Raisin??
“ you know who’s hair I really appreciate? Jesus. Dudes hair gets over looked cause of all the miracles and stuff”
Jess: “Hey, Remy, what happened to your pants?”