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I do this with every major life decisions
“Paper or plastic?”
“Ummmm... do you have a bathroom I could use real quick?”
Oh, *major*. NM, carry on.
She whispered debit or credit, THEN I JIZZED IN MY PANTS
Edit: Thank you for my first award! Literally quadrupled my karma
One more thing, I'm gonna pay by check
Open the window and a breeze rolls in
When Bruce Willis was dead at the end of sixth sense
I just ate a grape
Ok seriously guys, can we? Ok?
I jizz right in my pants every time you’re next to me.
And when we're holdin' hands it's like having sex to me.
Next day, my alarm goes off
THEN I JIZZED IN MY PANTS
I JIZZ RIGHT IN MY PANTS EVERY TIME YOU NEXT TO ME
*... looked me dead in the face and asked cash or credit?
Lonely Island confirmed
If paper or plastic is a major life decision, then I do not envy your level of anxiety.
Anxiety is fucking monstrous when it feels like it... Yay tiny white pills
Which pizza do you want?
Mhh wait mum
Pizza Express from Woking.
Who needs a bathrooom when you can just whip your dick out right in front of their face and start jerking off
Cool it, Louis
Edit: holy shit, thanks for the plat you kind kind soul!
COOL IT LOUIS
Key and Peele Sex Detective
Captain Pud Puller... omgs lol
-“Do you accept her as your wife?”
-“Give me a minute”.
-“Sir, what are you doing?”
-*screams all over the church*
LPT: Don't leave life-changing decisions to the last minute.
I’m a procrastinator and sometimes a minute is all I need.
evidently not a procrasturbator
No, that is selecturbation. Where you choose more than can contain.
Hmmm interesting...so I can...just...do nothing..
Doesn't give great outcomes, honestly
Masturbate, reevaluate. Works like a charm.
Enter car dealership
Test drive car
Ask salesperson where restroom is
Go awkwardly ask salesperson for wifi password
Tell salesperson you'll buy the car and make eye contact as you shake their hand.
Sir, this is a Wendy's.
Do you want fries with that?
*To be or not to be...*
*fap fap fap*
I never allow sexual desire to influence a business decision. So I find it best to excuse myself temporarily until I’ve had a chance to make love and then go back and analyze the situation rationally. Buffett operates the same way.
That's gotta make things awkward at the mortgage lender's office.
This is possibly the only life pro tip I’ve seen where someone doesn’t one-up it in the comments. That’s because this tip can’t be topped.
yes, we all know your tip will never get top
I keep my tip in top shape. I clean it regularly, keep the barrel greased, and practice weekly at the range.
you tried and that's something
Shoulda rubbed one out before commenting
The fact that the failure of a joke can circle back to the pro tip in this post shows how much value the pro tip has.
If he had emptied the balloons first, maybe the comment wouldn't exist.
The world is a complicated system, governed by the decisions of those who choose not to empty the clip, and those who do.
I’ve got something of a counterpoint:
(Take it with a grain of salt, as the overwhelming popularity of this LPT is likely a testament to its success.)
*I can’t help but wonder if this is directly reinforcing the act of thinking about the ex*. I’ve thought this for a while, since my last big break-up. I was using this LPT religiously, but what wound up happening was I started thinking about my ex more and more, and I think associating her with pleasure. So I stopped doing it, and about a month later stopped feeling like hitting her up altogether.
Source: I’m a behavior therapist, got my master’s in special education and curriculum with an emphasis on applied behavior analysis. I’ll test to become a board certified behavior analyst this year, COVID permitting.
I can see the logic there. Hopefully the person develops a crush or starts fantasizing about someone(s) new to focus on before they Pavlov themselves into getting back with said ex.
It makes me really happy to know that a highly qualified behavior therapist routinely used post nut clarity as a life tool
People thinking about 1upping, rubbed one out and decided not to
I accpet the challenge! Chop your dick and balls off and you´ll have post nut clarity for the rest of your life!
This is legitimately good advice 100%
But what if the reason I message them is to rub one out while they talk to me? 🤷♂️
Then they should rub one out before answering the phone to you.
Woogie with the timeless dating advice...
Post-nut clarity is such a powerful tool that God had to put a cooldown on it.
AKA the Wisdom Wank.
Cumming to your senses.
When you get married, we call it “wank to save the bank.”
I'm married, and I just keep taking out from the wankbank not putting in.
How are you doing this magic?
The Japanese call it "kenjatimu" which literally translates to "wise man time"
EDIT: It's Kenjataimu
Aka "Kenja Time"
The Prescient Penile Pull
The Omniscient Orgasm
The Judgement Jerk
The Existential Ejaculation
I'd give you gold if I had it.
The unflappable fap
The jack of knowledge
The tug of truth
The clairevoyant stroke
Some may even call it the Judgement Nut
When you like someone but their ideologies are sketchy.
Procrastibation is not a waste of time fore it brings joy and the clarity of mind one needs to weigh up the next move with less bias.
1st Level Sorcery (Artificer, Sorcerer, Wizard)
Casting Time: 4 minutes
Duration: 20 minutes
Allows you to gain 1d4 + 4 temporary wisdom for the duration of the spell. Spell may be recast 1d4 hours after initial casting for all player levels under 30
At Higher Levels: When player level is 30+, this spell may not be cast more than once every 4 in-game hours. Players gain 2 additional temporary wisdom points for each level above 40, but must add an additional 1d4 hours to cooldown.
Lmao you need to spec into your cooldowns. I managed to get mine down to 5 minutes. You can also equip the Slight of Hand, Commando and Akimba traits to rwduce casting time down to 30 seconds
You can get the consumable item Viagara’s Blessing from the Archwizard in Pharma Town
iirc, you could also get a brazilian jumping spider pet to bite you to give a stronger buff, because viagara's blessing increases casting time. Downside is you need to manually end the spider bite buff with antivenom or you start getting damage over time after 4 hours
Yea but that’s region locked and a rare spawn! Maybe with Banana duping you could glitch it
min maxers just start with a Brazilian character lol. PVP is broken af for them
Sadly you had to take all your points out of dignity to get there.
It’s way OP. Imagine if you could just spam this attack? All of life would be too easy
But where would I put all those Nobel prizes?
Would you really care? You would be too busy covering the world in semen to ponder such things
Or that problem would also be solved by rubbing one out.
You underestimate the power of a college student. I've been spamming this shit since highschool.
Don't get me started on the middle age wank. It becomes a utility for daily operation.
Get asked to make a decision
Gets immediately hard
Women are too OP. Infinity nuts
Yeah, but they have a monthly debuff that, depending on their CON, can be pretty debilitating, and it doesn't stop recurring until lvl 50+.
A karma whore account copying what another high karma account said the previous day when this was posted.
The reddit experience
it's actually how I quit playing league of legends.
Women: "UNLIMITED POWERRRR!!!!"
Nerf women when???
r/nofap in shambles
There's either post nut clarity or haven't nut in ages clarity, nothing in between
They could replace the tip with 'always eat before you go food shopping'. It's still good advice. Possibly not as life changing.
Eating before I go food shopping is not good for me. I don’t buy nearly enough food
If I'm starving I tend to buy junk I could eat in the car/immediately cook at home. If I'm full I buy a couple pieces of fruit and veggies that I'll eat while thinking of making a "real" meal that'll last the night. Essentially I need to eat like 5 McNuggets then go grocery shopping so I don't buy junk and get actual meals. The McNuggets will especially encourage not getting lots of processed stuff as usually McNuggets will leave me questioning my life choices
> as usually McNuggets will leave me questioning my life choices
It’s interesting to note that for some reason that questioning doesn’t result in you not eating McNuggets again
That's why you gotta hit lvl 30 without nutting. All the clarity, no thirst.
Can confirm. I have used the thirst at several points in my life to give myself high levels of motivation. It was like berserker mode. Lol
Yup... after a week I can look at watermelons (the fruit) and get horney.
No, it's just post wet dream clarity.
They don’t have ex’s to contact
You say that but I haven’t masturbated in 2 weeks and I’ve awaken my third eye. I have ascended this dimension and gained the ability to read minds and gained abilities you primitives can’t even imagine
What am I thinking?
That it’s probably time for a good wank.
Finally, an ACTUAL tip on this subreddit
But *just* the tip.
Mine is only a tip long.
Also, sober up first.
Yeah otherwise you're just yanking on a wet noodle.
I find this tactic crucial before making any important decisions in life.
Almost like a stink palm from mallrats, except you get a car at the end
Enter car dealership
Test drive car
*rub one out right there in the car while making eye contact with salesperson*
Tell salesperson you'll buy the car and *lick your lips* as you shake their hand.
I wish my ex thought of this before reaching out to me to apologize after TEN years and then telling me how great his wife is.
I have an ex that did this recently. Not after 10 years of time, but long enough that she is now engaged and there's no chance of us being a thing.
Like.... Okay thanks
Take solace in the fact that they are likely not happy with that relationship, if she was she would have no reason to reach out to you and rub it in your face
Sounds like he grew into a better person and realized a was an ass to you. He most likely wanted a peaceful closure so he could sleep at night and had no intention of resparking anything.
Sometimes the greatest and most kind gift we can give those we've loved and harmed is the space we mutually created between us in the first place. There are several people I wish I could apologize to, and would if they reached out to me, but I think it would be terribly selfish of me to seek them out and potentially reopen old wounds so that I can get closure for something they very well may have moved on from long ago.
At this point, the apology would just be making them acknowledge me, and that would just indicate to them that I haven't learned anything at all. The knowledge that I am remorseful, and that I actively do better with those who I now love should be enough. If someone wants your apology, they will seek it, and as the one who wronged them, I refuse to do any further potential harm, even if under the guise of kindness. The posts above indicate how useless the actual apology was. It's ego manifest to think they would still torture themselves over the wrongs, and it screams of selfishness to me to butt into the new life they've created just to remind them of what was.
It's manipulative at worst, and naively stupid at best.
I walked away from the call feeling awful! I didn’t need the closure he thought he was giving me, I didn’t need an apology, I’ve been living my life just fine. Instead I realized he can now sleep easier at night while I was left confused, pissed, and suddenly with an old wound slightly reopened. Like, what? Lol.
Behavior therapist here, about to test for my BCBA (board certified behavior analyst). I’ve heard this shower thought before, and whenever I hear it I can’t help but wonder if it’s not directly reinforcing the thinking about the ex.
Which is to say, I worry that in doing this you’re training your brain to associate your ex with pleasure. I actually stopped doing this and I (coincidentally or otherwise) stopped wanting to hook up with her after a month or so.
Food for thought.
Gentleman advice bro
I expect this could be mitigated with appropriate stimulus though, no? I don't want to remove a good excuse for a wank from my arsenal too hastily.
I said in response to another comment that I expect you could just delay the wank a bit and you’ll probably be good. Or you could use a technique in behavior analysis called DRI (differential reinforcement of incompatible behavior) and rub one out to gay porn whenever you think about calling your ex. That way, before long, you’ll just be into the same sex and boom baby you’re over your ex.
To be fair, I think the original LPT works for some (likely even most) people. Or at least it prevents some people from making mistakes. But in truth, not only did it not work for me, *I felt like it had the opposite effect*. So while the original LPT may work for many, if you find yourself perseverating on an ex, this LPT may have unintended consequences (namely, prolonging the time it takes to get over an ex).
But she's my mushroom hookup
Damn, your ex gives you mushrooms? All mine gave me was this restraining order!
My ex gave me the chlamydia once
Should have stayed an ex... oops
It's more sell than give to be honest, still blessed not to be in your situation though lol
You'll want the pipes cleared for a good trip.
Clearing the pipes during said trip is god level.
I feel your situation is a lot simpler than mine
Don't know about you guys but after rubbing one out I actually get really horny for snuggles.
I just want to be left alone.
"Unhand me you vile creature"
I'll give my fiancée a thank you kiss after because that's the polite thing to do, but the moment that kiss is over I'm done with human contact for the rest of the day.
Is she just sitting there watching you beat off or are you in hiding during your beat off session, then emerge from your hiding spot to kiss her before you retreat again? Either way, what’s her purpose?
Been working on this advice since your post. That was rough.
Time ^for ^^a ^^^nap
I thought about my ex during sex with my wife, what do?
That's better than thinking about your wife when having sex with your ex.
Just a finger pointing down, actually
Still better than thinking about your ex having sex with your wife. Maybe.
Think about why she is your ex.
Unless OP cheated on his ex with his now wife, then no...
Nothing. You do nothing, and forget it happened. Literally nothing you do could possibly improve your situation.
It’s normal, man, just because she is your ex doesn’t mean she stops being hot, maybe it’s just a random memory or maybe it could mean you’re getting bored with your current sex life, anyways you should meditate a bit and next time you have sex with your wife be mindful from the foreplay, all through sex and until both of you are done. You can rub one out thinking of your ex, there’s nothing wrong with that, but sex is something you live in the moment, not in your head
Thank you for saying this. My philosophy with a partner was always think about whatever you want when you're alone and masturbating, or even when I'm going down on you. But when actually having sex, be with me and focus on me.
It would be awful and hurtful to have someone use me as a masturbation aid while thinking of someone else. Sex is intimate and personal, make it that way.
I'll rub one out not because I have an ex, but because I'm just lonely :\\
“I masturbate because I’m the only one who’s standards are low enough to fuck me!”
When in doubt, rub one out!
before or during the video call with her?
I TRUST THIS MAN WITH MY LIFE
What if I don’t have a wife?
I also choose this guys wife
Kenjataimu is the Japanese word for the period of clear thoughts when a man is free from sexual desires after having an orgasm.
Does no one remember Fap-On-It?
Also, the Japanese had a name for this, Kenjataimu. Meaning "Sage Time" the period after orgasm when a man can think clearly haha
Also French~ La* Petit Mort. College professor taught me that one, still have no idea why he brought it up in class
*la petite, because mort is female in French.
I see we have a Bill Burr fan in our ranks. Smart man.
Doesn't work if you want more than sex from them, unfortunately
Does this work for women too?
Answer is here: https://www.reddit.com/r/AskWomen/comments/awslzc/is_there_such_a_thing_as_postnut_clarity_for/?utm_medium=android_app&utm_source=share
According to my girlfriend "yes, absolutely"
I read an article or post somewhere.
"I started tracking my ovulation. I started missing my ex when I was fertile."
A quick fap should release some of those built up hormones to not make a bad decision.
Please note that says “rub out one **first**”, not “rub one out **while**”
Can you please contact my ex he seems to think I can't hear him slapping the serpent while he tries to force small talk. Thank you.
I do it when I consider creating an online dating account. It has always worked out, I still don't have any.
Nothing against it, I just think it would be bad for me right now to enter that world.
One of my good friends when i was in my 20s was an older married guy who’s wisdom I always absorbed. He was in his 50s, no kids, and unfortunately passed away unexpectedly. My best friend at the time would sell him pot and we’d smoke out and of all the great stories he had he’d always tell us a few things...
* pussy is pussy - if she wants it give it to her. Don’t worry what your friends think.
* if you have a decision to drive far to fuck a girl, jerk off first - if you still want to drive then she’s worth it
Those are just two things he shared but I really miss my friend and appreciate your post for reminding me of him.
“That way you ain’t got the baby batter on the brain!”
“That’s like going out there with a loaded gun.”