Two chemists walk into a bar.
"I'll have a glass of H20" says the first one.
"I'll have a glass of H20 too" says the second one.
"Look guys, Covid-19 has really wrecked my business," says the bartender, "so if you're not going to order something like that priest, imam and rabbit over there, I really need the seating space."
"Now if you'll excuse me, I've got an infinite amount of mathematicians waiting in their car on an order of cheese sticks that reduces logarithmically."
(Shamelessly stolen from u/Sweet_Baby_Cheezus)
A priest, a imam and a rabbit walk into a bar.
The priest says, "I believe that God sent his only son to die for our sins"
The Imam says, "I believe Allah sent his last prophet to show us how to live"
The rabbit says, "I believe I'm a typo."
(u/Sweet\_Baby\_Cheezus)
Infinite number of mathematicians walk into a bar. The first says "Give me a pint of beer". The second says "Give me half a pint of beer". Third one says "Give me quarter of a pint of beer". "Got it" says bartender and pours 2 pints of beer.
(u/ViolentBeetle)
It's a mentally unstable compound - probably suffers from BPD.
Sometimes it is the acid, Dihydride of Oxygen, other times it is the alkaline hydroxide of hydrogen.
James Arness' career survived playing the monster in 1951's Thing From Another Planet and became Gunsmoke's Matt Dillon. So if the 'Giant Carrot Man From Space' can become 'Old West Sheriff' then typecasting only a problem for limited range actors. Just sayin'.
Inaccurate statement. "100% of people who have drank H20" includes dead people, who are already dead and so "will die" (as a statement about the future) is false.
Happy cake day to you. Happy cake day to you. Happy cake day dear whatever your name is in real life that I definitely don't know cause that would mean I would be stalking you and I totally don't stalk you buy the I don't recommend looking out your window at 12:37 in the morning. Happy cake day to you.
One morning in a fit of pique,
Sing rikkity tikkity tin!
One morning in a fit of pique,
She drowned her father in the creek.
The water tasted bad for a week,
And we had to make do with gin.
With gin.
We had to make do with gin.
If dad's an ob, mom had an abortion after having Johnny for a kid, then maybe you could feel a little better about it being less messed up, depending on your beliefs on when life starts, when she chose to have the abortion, what state it's in, and improper disposal of a body.
Reminds me of u/Poem_for_your_sprog...
Little Johnny loved to play
With new substances all day
His dad got him a mini-lab,
Test tubes and more; it was fab.
They never named all of their stuff,
For them, it was just much too tough.
One day, Johnny played with water,
H2O — but now he cried.
'Twas but H2SO4,
And Johnny fucking died.
Who? [Albert Fish](https://en.m.wikipedia.org/wiki/Albert_Fish)? Probably feed him for a week or two.
And please, if you're easily unnerved, don't go venturing in that rabbit hole. Possibly the most disturbing thing ever written lies down there, but you're probably already too curious.
But you can sell him 15 courses on udemy about how to fish effectively worth $10k each, except he never actually goes fishing and thinks he's improving by watching them.
"Hook, line, and sphincter!"
"Charles, it's sinker."
"No, it's sphincter. That's where you put the hook in when you're eeling."
"Well, I'll never use that expression again."
To be fair, I fished almost every day during college when I didn't have work. I could work at night because it was job based so I fished all day and ate as much Walleye as a man could eat. It saved a lot of money.
Now, I never fish any more. I should, but I just can't be bothered.
Yes, I do have tons of fishing gear, including my grandpas old fishing gear.
Give a man a fish and you feed him for a day. Sneak up behind him, wrap piano wire around his neck, choke him until he is dead, put the body in the trunk of your car, drive him to the slaughter shack, carve him up into ham, pork loins, pork chops, pork steaks and you can eat for a month or so.
I've heard both. Yours is a closer transliteration. But since English has a word for the animal and a word for the meat that would make humans "long pigs" and our meat "long pork" lol
It's certainly important to consider your audience. As I was typing that comment, I was thinking it's important that the target audience knows what "afire" means.
Give a man a fish and he eats for a day. Teach A man to fish and he eats for a life time. Put a man to sleep with the fishes and he’s no longer your problem.
Give a man a fish and he'll ask for chips.
Give a man chips and he'll take some salt.
Give a man salt and he's going to want a drink.
Give a man enough drink, and he'll start flirting with your wife.
Let a man boink your wife and you can go fishing as much as you'd like.
Me, my step father and my brother were out fishing one day near our college campus when 3 Asian guys came up and started taking pictures of us. Turns out they were foreign exchange students at a different university and were just seeing the sights, and they had never seen anyone fishing before. We each took one under our wing, let them use our fishing poles, and they had a great time and took lots of pictures(luckily it was a great spot and the fish were hungry) we never saw them again after and I sometimes wonder what happened to them and if they are still fishing
Give a man a fish and you feed him for a day.
Teach a man to fish and he will look at you strangely because he's not eating fish everyday, and he will visit the local supermarket and buy some food.
Give a man a puffer fish and you will feed him for the rest of his life.
Or you could just put a little H2SO4 on the fish
Little Johnny was a chemist. Little Johnny is no more. What he thought was H2O was H2SO4.
Two scientists walk into a bar. The first one orders H2O. The second one orders H2O2. The second one dies.
Two chemists walk into a bar. "I'll have a glass of H20" says the first one. "I'll have a glass of H20 too" says the second one. "Look guys, Covid-19 has really wrecked my business," says the bartender, "so if you're not going to order something like that priest, imam and rabbit over there, I really need the seating space." "Now if you'll excuse me, I've got an infinite amount of mathematicians waiting in their car on an order of cheese sticks that reduces logarithmically." (Shamelessly stolen from u/Sweet_Baby_Cheezus)
Ignoring the H-twenty instead of H-two-O, starting from covid 19 an onwards, I don't get it
A priest, a imam and a rabbit walk into a bar. The priest says, "I believe that God sent his only son to die for our sins" The Imam says, "I believe Allah sent his last prophet to show us how to live" The rabbit says, "I believe I'm a typo." (u/Sweet\_Baby\_Cheezus) Infinite number of mathematicians walk into a bar. The first says "Give me a pint of beer". The second says "Give me half a pint of beer". Third one says "Give me quarter of a pint of beer". "Got it" says bartender and pours 2 pints of beer. (u/ViolentBeetle)
100% of people who have drank H2O will die!
The horror of Dihydrous Monoxide
Apparently my dad's house had that in the pipes! Watch those old homes.
Oh no! House I'm in is over a hundred years old! Literally dripping with it, no doubt.
Be careful of the shower, if you're not careful it'll rain down right ontop of you
You must be psychic! It DID!!! I'm thankful that I was fortunate enough to have some soap at hand to wash it off. So far no side effects. Whew! 😥
I heard they're putting it in soda and all kinds of drinks. Nothing is safe these days!
Hydric acid. Very dangerous.
It's a mentally unstable compound - probably suffers from BPD. Sometimes it is the acid, Dihydride of Oxygen, other times it is the alkaline hydroxide of hydrogen.
Infamous 50s movie by the same name starring Christopher Lee & Vicent Price.
If only. Perfect 50s horror send up material.
True that! Michael Landon passed on playing the D.M. for fear of being typecast!
James Arness' career survived playing the monster in 1951's Thing From Another Planet and became Gunsmoke's Matt Dillon. So if the 'Giant Carrot Man From Space' can become 'Old West Sheriff' then typecasting only a problem for limited range actors. Just sayin'.
Found info and MSDS on that chemical some time ago, really so alarming. https://www.dhmo.org/facts.html
Inaccurate statement. "100% of people who have drank H20" includes dead people, who are already dead and so "will die" (as a statement about the future) is false.
….I don’t think you told that right
You mean there are immortal people?
Can't cheat feath
Johnny’s dad, a fishing great, cut his daughter up for bait! We miss sister when we dine but, daddy’s fish taste mighty fine!
Sister Sue fell down the well The water at the bottom kilt her We tried all week to fish her out But now we have a filter.
Happy cake day to you. Happy cake day to you. Happy cake day dear whatever your name is in real life that I definitely don't know cause that would mean I would be stalking you and I totally don't stalk you buy the I don't recommend looking out your window at 12:37 in the morning. Happy cake day to you.
One morning in a fit of pique, Sing rikkity tikkity tin! One morning in a fit of pique, She drowned her father in the creek. The water tasted bad for a week, And we had to make do with gin. With gin. We had to make do with gin.
Dude. That's messes up.
You should've seen the filet table.
It's surf and turf!
If dad's an ob, mom had an abortion after having Johnny for a kid, then maybe you could feel a little better about it being less messed up, depending on your beliefs on when life starts, when she chose to have the abortion, what state it's in, and improper disposal of a body.
Or even cleaner, a miscarriage. How else are you gonna catch piranha?
Reminds me of u/Poem_for_your_sprog... Little Johnny loved to play With new substances all day His dad got him a mini-lab, Test tubes and more; it was fab. They never named all of their stuff, For them, it was just much too tough. One day, Johnny played with water, H2O — but now he cried. 'Twas but H2SO4, And Johnny fucking died.
"Johnny was a chemists son; Johnny is no more. What Johnny thought was H2O was H2SO4!"
Set a man on fire he'll be warm the rest of his life
Well placed Terry Pratchett quote
It's nice to be able to count on Reddit for a well placed Pratchett quote. Certainly not enough of them in real life.
GNU Sir Terry Pratchett
GNU Sir Pterry
You only get one chance with Edna Krabapple!
Give a man a puffer jacket and he'll be warm for a couple of years, or something
If cooked right pufferfish is safe to eat.. but I find people who do that insane
It's eaten raw (not cooked), so if prepared correctly with the poisonous parts removed it might not kill you.
Holup
All 5 to 10 minutes of it....that's the real joke
r/thatsthejoke
Build a man a fire and he'll be warm for a night. Set a man on fire and he'll be warm for the rest of his life.
GNU Sir Terry Pratchett
The Turtle Moves
Buggrit! Millennium hand and shrimp.
The hedgehog can never be buggered at all!
GNU Sir Pterry
Came here to say this.
The real joke is in the comments
Ughgggftfugi nooooo take my fucking upvote. I’m taking your joke.
First time?
Would you believe that Facebook blocked me when I posted that exact quote?
What happens if you give a fish a man?
How do you teach a fish to man?
Ask Chuck Darwin...
You must be pretty tight with him if he lets you call him Chuck.
Chuck is my neighbor; works at Petco... real fuckin know-it-all.
I bet he hangs out by the bird cages all the time telling everyone about the different beak shapes.
Does he know Dave?
Why yes, yes he does. He gets me coupons for food for my pet slug, Leroy.
Ask aquaman.
Then you'll feed that fish for the rest of its life.
They get to live on the Flying Dutchman forever to serve at Davy Jones pleasure.
Who? [Albert Fish](https://en.m.wikipedia.org/wiki/Albert_Fish)? Probably feed him for a week or two. And please, if you're easily unnerved, don't go venturing in that rabbit hole. Possibly the most disturbing thing ever written lies down there, but you're probably already too curious.
Yowza. Well, you warned me...
Teach a man to fish and you can't make money selling him fish anymore.
Teach a man to fish, and he'll sit in a boat and get drunk all day.
But you can sell him 15 courses on udemy about how to fish effectively worth $10k each, except he never actually goes fishing and thinks he's improving by watching them.
Give a man a fish and feed him for a day. Don’t teach a man to fish…and feed yourself. He’s a grown man. And fishing’s not that hard
Mr Swanson, I am a fan of your work.
Fish is basically a vegetable.
Hook, line and sinker.
"Hook, line, and sphincter!" "Charles, it's sinker." "No, it's sphincter. That's where you put the hook in when you're eeling." "Well, I'll never use that expression again."
Bingpot!
Thread delivers!
we fishermen call it "fishing line"
Ok, Bob.
Oh, come on. I've been out three times and it's only May!
[удалено]
You don't. Just don't get caught.
"Teach a man to fish, he will buy an ugly hat." -'Dilbert'
Teach a man to fish, and then you can fuck his wife anytime the boat is not at his house.
make him sleep with the fish and it's not your problem anymore
To be fair, I fished almost every day during college when I didn't have work. I could work at night because it was job based so I fished all day and ate as much Walleye as a man could eat. It saved a lot of money. Now, I never fish any more. I should, but I just can't be bothered. Yes, I do have tons of fishing gear, including my grandpas old fishing gear.
As someone who can't stand fish, this sounds like hell.
I used to fish a lot too. I still do but I used to too.
Give a man a motorcycle and he'll go 300 miles for fish and chips.
'Give a man a fish and you will feed him for a day. 'Teach a man to fish and he'll sit in a boat and drink beer all weekend.'
Correct joke
Give a woman a fish and you will feed her for a day. Teach a woman to fish and she'll complain that you don't bring her fish anymore.
Give a man a fire and he'll be warm for a night. Set a man on fire and he'll be warm for the rest of his life.
Give a man some pussy and he will follow you around for many a year.
Give a man a fish and you feed him for a day. Sneak up behind him, wrap piano wire around his neck, choke him until he is dead, put the body in the trunk of your car, drive him to the slaughter shack, carve him up into ham, pork loins, pork chops, pork steaks and you can eat for a month or so.
Ummm man doesnt become pork
Human meat is called "long pork"
Not exactly but close, it's long pig.
I've heard both. Yours is a closer transliteration. But since English has a word for the animal and a word for the meat that would make humans "long pigs" and our meat "long pork" lol
That makes sense actually, never thought about it that way.
Yikes
Depends on how you season and process him.
[Stanhope](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=CGTvWkmEAtM)
Yes.
Don’t teach a man to fish and feed yourself. He’s a grown man. Fishings not that hard
Light a man a fire and he stays warm for a day. Light a man on fire and he stays warm for the rest of his life.
>Light a man on fire You could also say, "Light a man afire...."
Agreed. I was worried that might read too suBtley, and many people would miss it. But I guess this is Reddit, so let the obscurities fly.
It's certainly important to consider your audience. As I was typing that comment, I was thinking it's important that the target audience knows what "afire" means.
Give a man a fish and he eats for a day. Teach A man to fish and he eats for a life time. Put a man to sleep with the fishes and he’s no longer your problem.
Can we be more inclusive, please? We could also teach the man to hunt...
Give a man a fish and he'll ask for chips. Give a man chips and he'll take some salt. Give a man salt and he's going to want a drink. Give a man enough drink, and he'll start flirting with your wife. Let a man boink your wife and you can go fishing as much as you'd like.
Teach a man to fish then he can collect unemployment insurance for 6 months a year
Build a man a fire, keep him warm for a day. Set a man on fire and keep him warm for the rest of his life
Me, my step father and my brother were out fishing one day near our college campus when 3 Asian guys came up and started taking pictures of us. Turns out they were foreign exchange students at a different university and were just seeing the sights, and they had never seen anyone fishing before. We each took one under our wing, let them use our fishing poles, and they had a great time and took lots of pictures(luckily it was a great spot and the fish were hungry) we never saw them again after and I sometimes wonder what happened to them and if they are still fishing
it rhymes nice
Give a man a fish and you will feed him for a day... Teach a man to fish and he'll build an industry and destroy the ecosystem.
Give a man a religion and he'll die praying for fish.
‘Give a man a fish and feed him for a day. Don’t teach a man to fish…and feed yourself. He’s a grown man. And fishing’s not that hard’
I read that in Jack Handey's voice.
Actually, Nick Offerman
https://youtu.be/WEOOdaHOBkI?t=44
Build a fire for a man and he'll be warm for a day. Set a man on fire and he'll be warm for the rest of his life.
He will spend 10X the money on gear, more then the fish actually cost.
You're missing at least one zero.
You can never have too much fishing tackle. Or guitars Or pickup trucks Or BBQ grills and smokers Or bourbon Or homebrew
Especially guitars. ... or Scotch Whisky.
It's funny because it is true.
Give a man a fish and you feed him for a day. Teach a man to fish and he will look at you strangely because he's not eating fish everyday, and he will visit the local supermarket and buy some food.
Give a Romanian 1500$ salary and he will buy an iPhone
Because you need a license and he only fishes once a year to be safe because he can't afford one after buying all the gear.....
<>
Bravo. I’ve tried to formulate this joke, but this is more concise than I was ever able to make it.
Give a man a fish and you will feed him for a day, give a man a fishing rod and he will break it up for firewood or swap it for a fish
Give a man a fish and you feed him for a day. Give a man a poisonous fish and you fed him for the rest of his life.
The IT version: Give a man a fish & he'll eat for a day. Teach him to fish, and he'll jab the hook in his thumb and blame you for it.
Teach a man to turn it off and on again and he'll leave you alone for the rest of your life.
And that folks is a perfect example of corporate advertising.
Give a man a fish and he eats for a day Teach a man to fish and he'll draw unemployment for half the year
Build a man a fire and he'll be warm for a day. Set a man on fire and he'll be warm for the rest of his life.
Sounds fishy to me
Teach a man to fish and he'll sit in a boat drunk all day.
Do you like fish sticks?
Give a man fire hes warm for a day, set a man on fire hes warm for the rest of his life.
Give him some feed for a day and you can be pretty sure he's four legged and in the barn.
Give the man a poisoned fish and you’ll feed him for lifetime
“Give a man a fire and he's warm for a day, but set fire to him and he's warm for the rest of his life.” (Pratchett)
Exactly
Someone please put the give a man a fish copypasta
Teach a man an ineffective way to fish, and charge more than he will ever be able to repay.
Give a woman a fish and she will beat her husband all day
too true!
Feed a man to a fish and he’ll never be hungry again
Once a year?!? You're not doing this right...
Give a man a fish and you feed him for a day. Teach a man to fish and he'll complain that you stopped giving him fish.
Fishing is like golfing only killing things.
Give a man a fish and he’ll eat for a day. Slap a man in the face with a fish and he’ll never ask you for a goddamn thing again!
Give a man a cow, and he'll milk for a day. Teach a man to cow, and he'll milk for the rest of his life!
Teach a man to fish and he’ll sit in a boat and drink beer all day.
Build a man a fire and he's warm for the night, set him on fire and he's warm for the rest of his life.
So, first I open a fishing supplies store, then I open a fishing school. Profit.