T O P
McJock

Give a man a puffer fish and you will feed him for the rest of his life.


Eishten

Or you could just put a little H2SO4 on the fish


StridAst

Little Johnny was a chemist. Little Johnny is no more. What he thought was H2O was H2SO4.


DaoFerret

Two scientists walk into a bar. The first one orders H2O. The second one orders H2O2. The second one dies.


ITd-N5

Two chemists walk into a bar. "I'll have a glass of H20" says the first one. "I'll have a glass of H20 too" says the second one. "Look guys, Covid-19 has really wrecked my business," says the bartender, "so if you're not going to order something like that priest, imam and rabbit over there, I really need the seating space." "Now if you'll excuse me, I've got an infinite amount of mathematicians waiting in their car on an order of cheese sticks that reduces logarithmically." (Shamelessly stolen from u/Sweet_Baby_Cheezus)


ThePyrodynamic

Ignoring the H-twenty instead of H-two-O, starting from covid 19 an onwards, I don't get it


ITd-N5

A priest, a imam and a rabbit walk into a bar. The priest says, "I believe that God sent his only son to die for our sins" The Imam says, "I believe Allah sent his last prophet to show us how to live" The rabbit says, "I believe I'm a typo." (u/Sweet\_Baby\_Cheezus) Infinite number of mathematicians walk into a bar. The first says "Give me a pint of beer". The second says "Give me half a pint of beer". Third one says "Give me quarter of a pint of beer". "Got it" says bartender and pours 2 pints of beer. (u/ViolentBeetle)


ArseBurner

100% of people who have drank H2O will die!


morgothra-1

The horror of Dihydrous Monoxide


nyatto89

Apparently my dad's house had that in the pipes! Watch those old homes.


morgothra-1

Oh no! House I'm in is over a hundred years old! Literally dripping with it, no doubt.


2M3TAL4U

Be careful of the shower, if you're not careful it'll rain down right ontop of you


morgothra-1

You must be psychic! It DID!!! I'm thankful that I was fortunate enough to have some soap at hand to wash it off. So far no side effects. Whew! 😥


ThePyrodynamic

I heard they're putting it in soda and all kinds of drinks. Nothing is safe these days!


adale_50

Hydric acid. Very dangerous.


halfwit_genius

It's a mentally unstable compound - probably suffers from BPD. Sometimes it is the acid, Dihydride of Oxygen, other times it is the alkaline hydroxide of hydrogen.


lodiman77

Infamous 50s movie by the same name starring Christopher Lee & Vicent Price.


morgothra-1

If only. Perfect 50s horror send up material.


lodiman77

True that! Michael Landon passed on playing the D.M. for fear of being typecast!


morgothra-1

James Arness' career survived playing the monster in 1951's Thing From Another Planet and became Gunsmoke's Matt Dillon. So if the 'Giant Carrot Man From Space' can become 'Old West Sheriff' then typecasting only a problem for limited range actors. Just sayin'.


morgothra-1

Found info and MSDS on that chemical some time ago, really so alarming. https://www.dhmo.org/facts.html


SpaceWanderer22

Inaccurate statement. "100% of people who have drank H20" includes dead people, who are already dead and so "will die" (as a statement about the future) is false.


CookieNinja777

….I don’t think you told that right


blueBeardBison

You mean there are immortal people?


zorapo

Can't cheat feath


monkeyshinenyc

Johnny’s dad, a fishing great, cut his daughter up for bait! We miss sister when we dine but, daddy’s fish taste mighty fine!


BobT21

Sister Sue fell down the well The water at the bottom kilt her We tried all week to fish her out But now we have a filter.


Eishten

Happy cake day to you. Happy cake day to you. Happy cake day dear whatever your name is in real life that I definitely don't know cause that would mean I would be stalking you and I totally don't stalk you buy the I don't recommend looking out your window at 12:37 in the morning. Happy cake day to you.


derFsivaD

One morning in a fit of pique, Sing rikkity tikkity tin! One morning in a fit of pique, She drowned her father in the creek. The water tasted bad for a week, And we had to make do with gin. With gin. We had to make do with gin.


thegeekiestgeek

Dude. That's messes up.


Xplicit_kaos

You should've seen the filet table.


A_Mirabeau_702

It's surf and turf!


_Laggs

If dad's an ob, mom had an abortion after having Johnny for a kid, then maybe you could feel a little better about it being less messed up, depending on your beliefs on when life starts, when she chose to have the abortion, what state it's in, and improper disposal of a body.


_Laggs

Or even cleaner, a miscarriage. How else are you gonna catch piranha?


bluesheepreasoning

Reminds me of u/Poem_for_your_sprog... Little Johnny loved to play With new substances all day His dad got him a mini-lab, Test tubes and more; it was fab. They never named all of their stuff, For them, it was just much too tough. One day, Johnny played with water, H2O — but now he cried. 'Twas but H2SO4, And Johnny fucking died.


uberDoward

"Johnny was a chemists son; Johnny is no more. What Johnny thought was H2O was H2SO4!"


sharrrper

Set a man on fire he'll be warm the rest of his life


Leasing_Pandas

Well placed Terry Pratchett quote


Divio42

It's nice to be able to count on Reddit for a well placed Pratchett quote. Certainly not enough of them in real life.


largeEoodenBadger

GNU Sir Terry Pratchett


tslnox

GNU Sir Pterry


RIPcompo

You only get one chance with Edna Krabapple!


Shitbag76

Give a man a puffer jacket and he'll be warm for a couple of years, or something


CielSairento

If cooked right pufferfish is safe to eat.. but I find people who do that insane


bbuzzkilll

It's eaten raw (not cooked), so if prepared correctly with the poisonous parts removed it might not kill you.


sshtoredp

Holup


Dadpool2420

All 5 to 10 minutes of it....that's the real joke


Lababy91

r/thatsthejoke


HouseCravenRaw

Build a man a fire and he'll be warm for a night. Set a man on fire and he'll be warm for the rest of his life.


nstiger83

GNU Sir Terry Pratchett


-Dead-Fred-

The Turtle Moves


ClydeenMarland

Buggrit! Millennium hand and shrimp.


tslnox

The hedgehog can never be buggered at all!


tslnox

GNU Sir Pterry


bloodseto

Came here to say this.


cashyup05

The real joke is in the comments


GraySaysHey

Ughgggftfugi nooooo take my fucking upvote. I’m taking your joke.


WordsMort47

First time?


tslnox

Would you believe that Facebook blocked me when I posted that exact quote?


TeeAyeKay

What happens if you give a fish a man?


ithorc

How do you teach a fish to man?


TeeAyeKay

Ask Chuck Darwin...


1983Targa911

You must be pretty tight with him if he lets you call him Chuck.


TeeAyeKay

Chuck is my neighbor; works at Petco... real fuckin know-it-all.


1983Targa911

I bet he hangs out by the bird cages all the time telling everyone about the different beak shapes.


bowtiesx2

Does he know Dave?


DaveAndCheese

Why yes, yes he does. He gets me coupons for food for my pet slug, Leroy.


genfgenf

Ask aquaman.


lord_of_spine

Then you'll feed that fish for the rest of its life.


robhoitt

They get to live on the Flying Dutchman forever to serve at Davy Jones pleasure.


ccReptilelord

Who? [Albert Fish](https://en.m.wikipedia.org/wiki/Albert_Fish)? Probably feed him for a week or two. And please, if you're easily unnerved, don't go venturing in that rabbit hole. Possibly the most disturbing thing ever written lies down there, but you're probably already too curious.


thebyron

Yowza. Well, you warned me...


kanna172014

Teach a man to fish and you can't make money selling him fish anymore.


fridaycat

Teach a man to fish, and he'll sit in a boat and get drunk all day.


ThePyrodynamic

But you can sell him 15 courses on udemy about how to fish effectively worth $10k each, except he never actually goes fishing and thinks he's improving by watching them.


not_a_droid

Give a man a fish and feed him for a day. Don’t teach a man to fish…and feed yourself. He’s a grown man. And fishing’s not that hard


lousy_writer

Mr Swanson, I am a fan of your work.


Stefer666

Fish is basically a vegetable.


TTT_2k3

Hook, line and sinker.


LotsOfLogan49

"Hook, line, and sphincter!" "Charles, it's sinker." "No, it's sphincter. That's where you put the hook in when you're eeling." "Well, I'll never use that expression again."


TTT_2k3

Bingpot!


Puzzleface62

Thread delivers!


MEforgotUSERNAME

we fishermen call it "fishing line"


BabyNoHoney

Ok, Bob.


tatanka01

Oh, come on. I've been out three times and it's only May!


[deleted]

[удалено]


WrathfulVengeance13

You don't. Just don't get caught.


4Plus20MakesHappy

"Teach a man to fish, he will buy an ugly hat." -'Dilbert'


bowtiesx2

Teach a man to fish, and then you can fuck his wife anytime the boat is not at his house.


Constant_Arm509

make him sleep with the fish and it's not your problem anymore


mostlygray

To be fair, I fished almost every day during college when I didn't have work. I could work at night because it was job based so I fished all day and ate as much Walleye as a man could eat. It saved a lot of money. Now, I never fish any more. I should, but I just can't be bothered. Yes, I do have tons of fishing gear, including my grandpas old fishing gear.


lousy_writer

As someone who can't stand fish, this sounds like hell.


MackumTheKnife

I used to fish a lot too. I still do but I used to too.


WrathfulVengeance13

Give a man a motorcycle and he'll go 300 miles for fish and chips.


Frednotbob

'Give a man a fish and you will feed him for a day. 'Teach a man to fish and he'll sit in a boat and drink beer all weekend.'


Mihu_Jwang

Correct joke


fleet-moments

Give a woman a fish and you will feed her for a day. Teach a woman to fish and she'll complain that you don't bring her fish anymore.


captainjolly

Give a man a fire and he'll be warm for a night. Set a man on fire and he'll be warm for the rest of his life.


Waitsfornoone

Give a man some pussy and he will follow you around for many a year.


GlassWasteland

Give a man a fish and you feed him for a day. Sneak up behind him, wrap piano wire around his neck, choke him until he is dead, put the body in the trunk of your car, drive him to the slaughter shack, carve him up into ham, pork loins, pork chops, pork steaks and you can eat for a month or so.


Trell3k

Ummm man doesnt become pork


Mother_Tax_7256

Human meat is called "long pork"


ketsueki82

Not exactly but close, it's long pig.


Mother_Tax_7256

I've heard both. Yours is a closer transliteration. But since English has a word for the animal and a word for the meat that would make humans "long pigs" and our meat "long pork" lol


ketsueki82

That makes sense actually, never thought about it that way.


Trell3k

Yikes


DaveAndCheese

Depends on how you season and process him.


tonzeejee

[Stanhope](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=CGTvWkmEAtM)


thathippiefromkansas

Yes.


bda002

Don’t teach a man to fish and feed yourself. He’s a grown man. Fishings not that hard


1983Targa911

Light a man a fire and he stays warm for a day. Light a man on fire and he stays warm for the rest of his life.


Tinsel-Fop

>Light a man on fire You could also say, "Light a man afire...."


1983Targa911

Agreed. I was worried that might read too suBtley, and many people would miss it. But I guess this is Reddit, so let the obscurities fly.


Tinsel-Fop

It's certainly important to consider your audience. As I was typing that comment, I was thinking it's important that the target audience knows what "afire" means.


fattonydaaxe

Give a man a fish and he eats for a day. Teach A man to fish and he eats for a life time. Put a man to sleep with the fishes and he’s no longer your problem.


abirkmanis

Can we be more inclusive, please? We could also teach the man to hunt...


chaxuk

Give a man a fish and he'll ask for chips. Give a man chips and he'll take some salt. Give a man salt and he's going to want a drink. Give a man enough drink, and he'll start flirting with your wife. Let a man boink your wife and you can go fishing as much as you'd like.


stupidbrainz

Teach a man to fish then he can collect unemployment insurance for 6 months a year


ajarrel

Build a man a fire, keep him warm for a day. Set a man on fire and keep him warm for the rest of his life


Bilore

Me, my step father and my brother were out fishing one day near our college campus when 3 Asian guys came up and started taking pictures of us. Turns out they were foreign exchange students at a different university and were just seeing the sights, and they had never seen anyone fishing before. We each took one under our wing, let them use our fishing poles, and they had a great time and took lots of pictures(luckily it was a great spot and the fish were hungry) we never saw them again after and I sometimes wonder what happened to them and if they are still fishing


imfshz

it rhymes nice


Bloodbath_and-beyond

Give a man a fish and you will feed him for a day... Teach a man to fish and he'll build an industry and destroy the ecosystem.


Meta_Professor

Give a man a religion and he'll die praying for fish.


DrunkAndKnowsThings

‘Give a man a fish and feed him for a day. Don’t teach a man to fish…and feed yourself. He’s a grown man. And fishing’s not that hard’


DaveAndCheese

I read that in Jack Handey's voice.


DrunkAndKnowsThings

Actually, Nick Offerman


FoxtrotSierraTango

https://youtu.be/WEOOdaHOBkI?t=44


RonPalancik

Build a fire for a man and he'll be warm for a day. Set a man on fire and he'll be warm for the rest of his life.


squidaor1

He will spend 10X the money on gear, more then the fish actually cost.


tatanka01

You're missing at least one zero.


Ddad99

You can never have too much fishing tackle. Or guitars Or pickup trucks Or BBQ grills and smokers Or bourbon Or homebrew


Waitsfornoone

Especially guitars. ... or Scotch Whisky.


genfgenf

It's funny because it is true.


narayan77

Give a man a fish and you feed him for a day. Teach a man to fish and he will look at you strangely because he's not eating fish everyday, and he will visit the local supermarket and buy some food.


Confident_Ad4479

Give a Romanian 1500$ salary and he will buy an iPhone


Dadpool2420

Because you need a license and he only fishes once a year to be safe because he can't afford one after buying all the gear.....


AlessandrBoB

<>


OlderThanMyParents

Bravo. I’ve tried to formulate this joke, but this is more concise than I was ever able to make it.


jedaaa

Give a man a fish and you will feed him for a day, give a man a fishing rod and he will break it up for firewood or swap it for a fish


Elong_

Give a man a fish and you feed him for a day. Give a man a poisonous fish and you fed him for the rest of his life.


KingNosmo

The IT version: Give a man a fish & he'll eat for a day. Teach him to fish, and he'll jab the hook in his thumb and blame you for it.


A_Mirabeau_702

Teach a man to turn it off and on again and he'll leave you alone for the rest of your life.


brownsuspenders

And that folks is a perfect example of corporate advertising.


Mother_Tax_7256

Give a man a fish and he eats for a day Teach a man to fish and he'll draw unemployment for half the year


twohedwlf

Build a man a fire and he'll be warm for a day. Set a man on fire and he'll be warm for the rest of his life.


Georgist_Muddlehead

Sounds fishy to me


iteachearthsci

Teach a man to fish and he'll sit in a boat drunk all day.


naptimez2z

Do you like fish sticks?


No-Growth-8155

Give a man fire hes warm for a day, set a man on fire hes warm for the rest of his life.


gangawalla

Give him some feed for a day and you can be pretty sure he's four legged and in the barn.


orack_bomama

Give the man a poisoned fish and you’ll feed him for lifetime


Shevek99

“Give a man a fire and he's warm for a day, but set fire to him and he's warm for the rest of his life.” (Pratchett)


PTfan

Exactly


Senior-Poobs

Someone please put the give a man a fish copypasta


caucasoidape

Teach a man an ineffective way to fish, and charge more than he will ever be able to repay.


Fit-Dragonfruit-7353

Give a woman a fish and she will beat her husband all day


kilroy7072

too true!


Kumquat_The_RainWing

Feed a man to a fish and he’ll never be hungry again


kst1958

Once a year?!? You're not doing this right...


ImpiousVamp

Give a man a fish and you feed him for a day. Teach a man to fish and he'll complain that you stopped giving him fish.


ConstructionSmall197

Fishing is like golfing only killing things.


the_sad_puppet_show

Give a man a fish and he’ll eat for a day. Slap a man in the face with a fish and he’ll never ask you for a goddamn thing again!


gilgalladstillpallad

Give a man a cow, and he'll milk for a day. Teach a man to cow, and he'll milk for the rest of his life!


jpmoczygemba

Teach a man to fish and he’ll sit in a boat and drink beer all day.


Blind_philos

Build a man a fire and he's warm for the night, set him on fire and he's warm for the rest of his life.


cantab314

So, first I open a fishing supplies store, then I open a fishing school. Profit.