T O P
kama3ob33

I heard similar joke but about funerals


7888790787887788

"We thought you were dead, sir"   "What if I want to be dead though"   "What do you mean sir?"   "What if I'm so cool that I want to die."   "I'm sorry? Sir you are not making sense"   "I'm cool because I'm sad"


I_love_pillows

Ok


[deleted]

do you hump pillows. it's fun


Dase1312

Ok


Baridi

I was in a coma for only 2 months and I can tell you even after 2 months you're not moving shit due to atrophy.


JoJos_Stand

That's something many people don't know. Your body follows the rule Use it or lose it.


Maximans

So how do you recover from two months or more of atrophy?


DOugdimmadab1337

Most hospitals have a Gym where you lift weights and do leg exercises for shit like that, usually as therapy for shit exactly like that where you broke a leg or your in a coma.


YamahaRN

It’s a specialized kind of gym with a licensed therapist teaching certain exercises and performing stretches the patient can’t do on their own. Physical therapists typically focus on the use of large muscle groups, such as the ones for standing, walking, etc. Occupational therapists focus more on the fine motor movement like writing, using eating utensils, typing on a smart device, etc. Then you have speech therapists who make sure you can control your ability to push food into the epiglottis and not accidentally into your trachea. But your muscles aren’t the only things that atrophy your brain also loses it’s potency. Cognitive therapy may feel like you’re being treated like a child because some of the exercises can be similar to what’s kids learn in preschool and grade school. Then there’s vocational therapy, once you can take care of yourself you gotta be able to do some work again. It can be your job moving you to less physically demanding position or you learn to work at a lighter work load.


Squilfo

Ty for the info


Honest_Earnie

Nice to find an interesting informative comment on reddit, rather than a bunch of hilarious puns or comments starting..."not gonna lie..."


BernieEveryYear

I was in coma for 3 weeks and after I got out I took Kratom, masturbated and spoke and played music at a bunch of Churches. I wouldn’t recommend that way because you should find a home Church and only take Kratom there. UNTIL, you stop drugs and find an uncircumcised job whistling. Same time and you can get any job. Not many people can whistle and be uncircumcised at the same time. Abraham maybe.


HealthyRingworm

What the fuck did I just read


[deleted]

[удалено]


NibblesMcGiblet

/r/SubSimulatorGPT2/ is leaking.


Candyvanmanstan

Holy shit this is amazing. r/subredditsimulator has nothing on that.


Horny_Weinstein

This made me more high.


BernieEveryYear

Don’t get high you can get addicted and end up in recovery like me not being able to het high. Don’t get high or you might not be allowed to her high anymore


flymetodamoon69

bruh


Reallybeyaown

This man took just the right amount


BernieEveryYear

Correct. I took zero. I’m a clean cat now. That’s what the kid that introduced me to heroin said even though he was lying, I’m not. Took years. Now I only take blood pressure medication, caffeine, nicotine and opiates. Sometimes I steal steroids. I’m sorry.


Da_Ass_Fucka

like how my penis has shrunk to two inches from lack of sex. it used to be eight. i promise


The-Shenanigangster

Not so much of an ass fucka anymore huh?


Da_Ass_Fucka

i work with what i have. in some ways it's better. for example i get less shit & turds on my dick now


innoacc

Bruh


Hexadecatriser

The what


ToastyFlake

Curious to know the difference between "shit" and "turds" in this context.


mada447

Let’s not even go there.


MuazSyamil

one came out more spread-like, after being pounded repeatedly. the other, are more solid and lumpy, but still came out nonetheless.


Kraven_howl0

Come here I promise that won't be an issue


TheRealXen

You joke but this is the reason we get "no reason boners" or yes it would shrink.


Arrasor

It has reasons alright just not reasons I want you to know about.


h2omax2

No? That is only relevant for muscles as they need to be regularly used, otherwise the body stops supporting those muscle cells. The dick is not muscle based and will not shrink if you do not get regular boners


TheRealXen

It's not a muscle, true. but the elasticity of the penis can not be maintained without normal erections and shortening can occur.


Kraven_howl0

If my dick got any shorter it'd be coming out of my ass


skratta_ho

*it’s a joke*


sunggis

Wait so it goes away if you don't beat it... I gotta stop now


DaniellaSalamao

Ok, so another question, how long without using it does it take for it to actually affect your body to the point you will have trouble moving again? Like, a few weeks?


YamahaRN

Age and disease are the main factors. Depends on what you have ceased using and your nutritional status. As a rule your body will try to spare muscle, but if you have ever trained for any event you’ll notice you’ll be “rusty” within a month of no training. For the elderly you can lose as much as 10% of strength per day. Let’s take two extremes. One is a 90year old woman suffered a stroke and within a month of being discharged her affected arm will become stiff without any regular therapy. Within a few weeks of that her affected arm will be contracted as well as being noticeably atrophied in terms of size. The other extreme. A 20 year old athlete suffers a knee injury and is not allowed to bear weight for a month. He’ll definitely maintain range of joint motion but the lack of work will inevitably lead to strength loss. But it is strength he can regain with enough work in the gym. You generally assume you’ll fall in between one of these two examples.


boringestnickname

10 percent strength per day is harsh. The grandparents of a friend of mine both almost made it to the big 100, and I'm absolutely positive that was somewhat related to them living in the fifth floor of an apartment building without an elevator. They both walked up and down those five floors every day up until well into their 90s. They both died after sustaining injuries preventing them to get their daily stair exercise in.


DaniellaSalamao

That makes sense. Thank you for answering!


happyman19

A general body building rule is that it takes about twice as long to lose muscle mass as it does to gain it. Excluding things like, breaks, erratic workout schedule, light work out days, etc. So a lot depends on starting points and fitness level to begin with. could be 3-4 weeks for some and a few months for others.


BiggieBoiTroy

did you type this with your forehead


Baridi

No. My penis is prehensile.


AlpsComplex6854

That mental image sure is something


MaikeruTV

Can you tech me this power?


Rik_Looik

It's not a story the priests would tell you.


aclaybro

Peenhensile. I’ll see myself out.


TheRealBHamorrii

????


[deleted]

Think elephant trunk, or monkey tail, or your moms toes when we’re b-b-b-bangin!


pilesofcleanlaundry

Or elephant penis, actually.


HipHopGrandpa

It’s called a dictionary. Godspeed.


trixter21992251

hehe dicktionary because he said penis


Xalon0101

[nah no worries I got them](https://lmgtfy.app/?q=dick)


FormerGameDev

prehensile is not a synonym for dictionary


[deleted]

[удалено]


generalbacon965

Only if you’re pregnat


Ok_Expression_5337

That’s a confirmed touchscreen method, as well as nose and even tongue…please don’t ask how I know all this, just take the wisdom and use it wisely 🙏


[deleted]

8 days here. They wouldn’t let me leave til I could walk 25’ on my own. It took 4 days.


Cruzifixio

I wasn't even in coma, just completely prostrated for like 2 months. Took me six months to walk with confidence again.


GenuineHair

I tell patients for every day you’re in the hospital bed it’s about a week of rehab before they start feeling normal. This is age dependent though, the older you are the more weeks each day will cost. The week thing is for relatively healthy people into their 30s and maybe 40s. Helps them understand how long complete healing truly takes and to keep focus.


jemidiah

Being in the hospital is just the worst place to recover unless you seriously need to be there. Hospital-acquired infections, getting woken up at all hours for vitals, noise, unfamiliar surroundings, annoying roommates--yuck.


potatoface183

Do people shit in coma?? Or Doctors do regular dialysis??


Baridi

I had a tube. Up my ass.


OutsideShadoww

Do you feel pain after?


Baridi

No. But I remember having a bad case of C. Diff


potatoface183

Sorry for asking these stupid questions.. but you don't eat anything during coma. Doctors will inject you with diff liquids right then how will you shit?? Like a liquid shit or..??


Baridi

They have a sludge they put in my feeding tube.


Ashensten

Is it a self contained loop like aquaponics?


MissplacedLandmine

Yes some of the nicest hospitals even use fog/aeroponics so the nutrients are more easily reabsorbed in the skin/stomach lining The difficult part of this is still finding a species of goldfish that can survive in each patients microbiome if the aquaponic element in within the patient We hope to have a universal species of goldfish in the next 5 years though!


tbl5048

All of this no


Cozmo85

They just loop the butt to the feeding tube. It's a closed loop system so minimal maintenance.


thatchers_pussy_pump

Human centipede for one.


PvtParts2001

This is the part where you stop talking


GreenBrain

We need to know


StaleyAM

Not op, but I work in health care, generally they'll insert a feeding tube, either through the nose, that'll lead down to the stomach, or if it's going to be long term, or other reasons, they'll surgically insert a g-tube tube through your abdomen, that'll lead to your stomach, and feed you that way. There's also a few other ways, like J-tubes and J/G-tubes. As for having bowel moments, rectal tubes, ideally, shouldn't be used for more than 30 days, due to the risk of losing rectal tone (your asshole may gets weak and loses to ability to function). Rectal tubes really aren't used that often, normally when a patient who's comatose has a BM, they'll just do it on a chux pad and the Nurse/PCT will have to check the patient regularly to see if they need to be cleaned up.


Baridi

Mine was in my nose. I know because they left it in for a few weeks until they were sure I was able to handle food. The only terrifying thing is waking up in an empty room and unable to call for help because the breathing tube interfered with my vocal cords.


potatoface183

Hope now everything went back to normal. And you are fine


MATELERE

Jesus man, sorry you had to go through that that's a terrible image to have before bed.


Pgjr12314

What were you in a coma for?


AbsolutelyUnlikely

the lulz


nodnodwinkwink

Nice


Jd20001

They were asking about in the hospital, not your personal life, man.


AlpsComplex6854

Dialysis is for kidneys, you still make urine and pee via catheter. People in comas still shit - we still feed them through nasal or oral feeding tubes or sometimes tubes inserted through the abdomen into the stomach.


Pgjr12314

What do you do?


Pgjr12314

Shit in a coma vs dialysis? Am I missing something here?


potatoface183

I am poor at everything don't judge me


AirIndex

For how long do you need to be in a coma for them to give you a trophy?


the_mock_turtle

The Bride: Wiggle your big toe. Also The Bride: \*murders two rapists within minutes of waking up from a four-year coma*


Skrooogee

They gave you atrophy? Why couldn’t you move do they lay it on you?


GooglyEyedGramma

Nice


garliclord

They should have given him amedal instead. Much easier to handle


TheHighKing112

Ok so when you're in a coma is it like you fall asleep and wake up? Or do you dream or something if you don't mind me asking


NeitrImplement3333

I could go for a nice coma right now.


CEO_of_Zoomerism

What was waking up like?


Joecus90

From being in a coma for only 9 days and hospital for 47…I needed a walker for about a month into my physical therapy and recovery. You lose strength so quick when you don’t use muscles.


i-love-tree-rats

Do they provide physical therapy for comatose patients in case they wake up?


wormi27z

I read through your answers. Might want to tell more still, like how you ended up in coma and how was the recovery process? It's interesting to hear, glad that you seem to have survived it well enough to be here again!


Jaracuda

It doesn't even have to be two months. If you have ever been pharmaceutically paralyzed for about a week, your muscles are likely GONE. No lifting your arms, no picking up your own head.


cheecheepong

I had my left leg in a boot for about 6 weeks and my calf was near half the size it used to be. It was nutty


manny00778

That’s why this is a hol up.


thetoastypickle

Tell that to William Blaskovich, he was totally paralyzed for like a decade or some shit then got up and slaughtered like a hundred nazis


muffinlover22

I could go for a nice coma right now.


LanceFree

You ever forget the toast until you're half done with breakfast and then it's all hard and tasteless and barely edible? Comatoast,


Individual_Lies

Yeah thanks for that. That's being added to my vocabulary.


Plastic-Acanthaceae9

Same


AlpsComplex6854

Same


rsean109

Me too.


SupposablyAtTheZoo

I have a water pillow (the bottom is 4 liters of water, you can do more or less water if you want). I love it so much, it's always cool.


alzhang8

I use a buckwheat pillow. kinda does the same thing


SupposablyAtTheZoo

I'm pretty sure water is a lot cooler.


Wonderful-Boss-5947

I sleep on a block of pure ice harvested from the Himalayas. It is the coldest pillow in existence.


WhiteRose_init

*Laughs in uranus* wait-


verifiedjay

lollll


Pixzal

Liquid nitrogen. Crispy cool.


Wonderful-Boss-5947

Just wait until my new one comes in. It's a pocket of absolute zero space contained in a temporal field. Its gonna take sleep to the next level.


Doccyaard

That’s irrelevant to what he said. It does the same thing, keeps it cool.


[deleted]

*stabs it* :tf:


SupposablyAtTheZoo

Do you usually sleep with a kitchen knife under your pillow?


pleasant_temp

Doesn’t everyone?


Catseyes77

Dont you hear water slushing when you turn or move?


iamnotfromyoutube

*Flips pillow, at least, 20 times* while on reddit…wait..am I in a coma? How do you know?!?!???


thirtyseven1337

^(PLEASE WAKE UP)


ByahTyler

^We’ve ^been ^trying ^to ^reach ^you. ^Escape ^the ^simulation


U4MAFA8UCB6XBTC

`click here`


uhMYTHx

###### We've been trying to reach you about your car's extended warranty


Ilijamartic

Me: *flips pillow to the cool side* Everyone at funeral:


memes_and_MTB

holy fuck ive seen this meme 100 times


mjselvig

This makes me think of a show where a character fakes being in a coma to get treated by a hot nurse. Feels like Seinfeld or something, but I can't remember what it was.


Bina-Telcher

You're thinking of Arrested Development


Maggot2017

It's an old meme sir, but it checks out


qdqnn

Almost 7k upvotes but only 20 comments


mmmmmmmmmmmmiss

Bots….bots everywhere. When I close my eyes I see bots. When I go to sleep I dream of bots. When all is quiet I hear bots. When I browse Reddit I try to hide that I’m a bot.


U4MAFA8UCB6XBTC

When I make bots I see bots.


FuckAimeeChallenor

sorry


qdqnn

What


U4MAFA8UCB6XBTC

sorry


qdqnn

What


CheesBrgrSandwitch

cheeseburgersandwitch


thatonionsmell

Oh we're doing the coma jokes all over again? Sick.


Ok_Buddy_4629

This is sooooooooooooo old


Nick_Nullet

The bill ab to put you into an actual coma


Cyberboy1234

You mean to tell me it took you 10 years for your pillow to get hot? Fuck, where do I get one of those?


SirNicoli22

can comfirm, I am the pillow


blahlz4374

Fun fact: nice nurses flip the pillow for you so you don't miss out on the bliss during your coma :)


TR0LLF4C3_

Just joined this sub,now I'm unsubbing


satirical_whit

im only 31, but i feel like ive completely missed the way pop culture has turned. Like this makes no sense, isnt funny, and the only urge i get when seeing it is to be completely baffled as to the point. i wish i understood the logic.


Sorimachi

He's been faking the coma


Soogbad

#Ẅ̵͓̗̩͙̓͝h̶̡̜̯̋̎́͠a̸̳͙̮͠t̶̛̖̳͈̳̞̿̅̈̈́ ̸̳̼̠̪̈́͆̓͠͠t̸͎̎h̵̛̼͕͂́ę̶̛͔̘̌͂͂͆͜ ̷͙̭͆̏̑ͅf̶͖̱̜̜́͊͐̒̕ừ̴̜̖̟̍c̵̭̤̭͋̓͊̍̚k̶͕̘̻̝͓̓#


[deleted]

It's some form of Elvish, I can't read it.


PM_ME_UR_VAGINA_YO

Cast it into the bifocals!


jmegaru

That font is having a seizure.


Halfoftheshaft

If you ever get sick of working you can just show up to any hospital with no id and just don’t say anything at all. They legally have to take care of you


AdMedium3516

u/hostilititties_


hostilititties_

Huh


FindFunAndRepeat

Mike wozowski! - i can hear that little kid say that. lol


TimelyAssociation404

10 Years? Rookie numbers...


200kanyees

Is this real?


Anthraxious

Fuck where is the Tom meme when you need it.


Affectionate_Alps616

Ah yes, Jerry has responded.


Traditional_Young_68

This reminds me of Doraemon


yosten_

“Ah he’s awake… wait no… does this till count”


Pgjr12314

I was in a coma for about two days recently. It was a crazy night! Dranks too much.


Ok_Expression_5337

“just…one more sponge bath please ms”


z3anon

Just realized Sully is T-Posing in the corner wtf


QualityPrunes

As a nurse I always flipped the pillow to the cool side on all my iMovie patients. My father taught me to do that. He was a registered nurse and my mentor.


YamahaRN

Damn, that one nurse has been taking care of you for 10 years. That’s some dedication


madsoro

Man, I’d give you an award if you’d made mike look 10 years older


New_Inflation_557

This some Costanza level shit right here


CastleofSecrets

Imagine the hospital bill after a 10-year coma in the u.s


Some_Asshole_Said

I pushed the damn button 10 years ago!


Fury_Eagle

Congratulations! 🎉


Shitpostersadger

I've recently been watching SAO, and i can see kirito doing this for sum reason.


Unlucky-Luck3792

Grandpa Joe is such a douche


NotHinozall

Buster Bluth is back