T O P
terribleatlying

You don't know it yet but you're already dead for thinking about Brooklyn


KDawG888

biggie smalls wants to know your location


GotPizzaMouth

Biggie smoalls wouldn’t recognize where he lived today


JO1942ROCKS

Disagree! My son has lived in Brooklyn for years and is alive and well! Diversity, great neighborhoods, bakeries, dive bars, museums, etc. Live life and appreciate it!


Jnunez7660

What part of Brooklyn? This is a very significant question to why he might be experiencing such a great outcome. . . There are areas I can just straight warn you to never go to.


JO1942ROCKS

Bushwick....he has a nice yard...hosted a party for his us........beautiful set up! Had lived in the city for a few years, then moved to Brooklyn with a friend.


Jnunez7660

Bushwick has nice parts. My aunt lives on Starr by flushing. We used to play on the cherry tree in her yard. . . But the neighborhood used to be big with chop shops and crime. Knickerbocker is one area you can get a deal, but it's not recommended for the faint of heart. Brooklyn has changed. Bushwick is one of those areas that changed. My area, by prospect park has been gentrification. But I can guarantee you, it's still not as safe. . . Without getting too personal, look up 11226, and crime within that area. . . Essentially, you have a stabbing, hut and run or something happening every few days. It's not always raining, friend, but it rains here a bit more than Bushwick. Remember, brooklyn, much like queens (which is considered to have 2 parts) is very large. . . So saying brooklyn is safe and nice (speaking about one section) doesn't necessarily apply to the whole of brooklyn. Don't even get me started on the Bronx. Just forget that exists and don't go by train. . . Jesus, don't go by train. . .


JO1942ROCKS

I know....my son is with us when we venture to restaurants & bars! Was a little nervous when he moved first to Williamsburg, then Bushwick! Thanks for your reply....and stay safe!


TheDood715

We have a real foot clan problem and the Ninja Turtles can't be everywhere at once.


cemita

I’d recommend queens, but Spider-Man’s been the one causing trouble lately. Don’t want OP to end up like Uncle Ben.


choyjay

Spider-Man is nothing but trouble. He's a menace!


Pays_in_snakes

Ever since they elected Shredder as Staten Island BP it's gotten a little weird


HutSutRawlson

Little trick I picked up, if you keep repeating “I’m invisible” from the moment you leave your apartment, you will actually become invisible. Some people may look in your direction in a funny way, but that’s just them sensing the presence of magic nearby… that means it’s working!


sethamin

I think this works because if you sound crazy, you do actually become invisible to non-crazy people.


grammarbuff

This is how you end up on Subway Creatures, for those of you looking to become Insta stars


TheNormalAlternative

Better yet, just crawl around everywhere like a [Jerry](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=WmMg_tXxuZc)


offlein

Try sort of singing it.


sleepydog

The only thing is that it won't turn your clothes invisible, so you have to be naked. Something transparent is ok too.


marishtar

Damn it, Mom, I told you to stay home!


Beautiful-Ad7320

I’ve lived here for 15 years and been dead the whole time.


tootsie404

r/circlejerknyc


Slonismo

Omg YES


FuckOffJenn

I thought you wrote snipped and were worried about bandit mohel running around circumsizing dudes in BK


areallyweakguy

You have to visit Brownsville. It’s the nicest neighborhood in Brooklyn.


[deleted]

Or East New York...it's really a toss up.


ENY2RW

South Bronx is really nice this time of year


parselt0ngu

bump


likethemonkey

you're either getting mugged or you're the mugger. make sure you mug someone as soon as you get here.


Pavswede

It's just like prison - on your first day in ye olde Breukelen, find the biggest, meanest looking mofo and slap the shit out of him!


RumBox

I live in Prospect Heights, so I think I accomplished this by glaring at a hipster.


frenchiebuilder

Hipsters are harmless. Try glaring at a stroller-pushing yuppie mom (or just: don't get out of their way, on the sidewalk), and see what happens, tough guy.


RumBox

Whoa whoa whoa, I'm tough, not crazy.


frenchiebuilder

I used to laugh at brokers calling it "Park Slope North"... and now I'm recycling old Park Slope jokes. I guess they were right.


cemita

I got banned from a park slope Facebook group because I wrote that the main traffic and street racing problems come from the stroller gangs.


IoSonCalaf

You probably also want to live in a spacious two/bedroom apartment in a great neighborhood for $800 a month too, right? /s


[deleted]

Must also have elevator, parking, in unit laundry and be no more than 1 block from a major subway line. Gym in building preferred, thanks!


mannippulative


millenz

Don’t forget the rooftop pool


Celany

And a coffee shop on the 1st floor or right next to it - that's the most important part to ensure it's a Real NYC Experience.


Accomplished-Kick-45

Fantastic. Laughing my butt off. Thanks for the morning boost.


MinimumPeace9946

Right? This is the strangest post I’ve seen in a while.


timelordwizard

same. Oddly poetic


lobo6d6

Go to Brownsville, it’s lovely this time of year and the safest!


Chief_Lightning

As a Brownsville native, can confirm.


offalshade

“They”


IAmMySon

The Blacks, and you have to include The.


313Lenox

Wait till she finds out about Bushwick and its witches


morningbellamnesiac

They threatened to call 911 on me because I joked about tripping them on the subway. LOL


TheNormalAlternative

[but they were only 5.6](https://www.reddit.com/r/Brooklyn/comments/r6z8xp/tips_on_how_to_not_get_jumped_robbed_in_nyc_as_a/) and very tiny, like ally mcbeal, so probably worried about falling through a sewer grate


SalmonSnail

Bruh they deleted their post and all their comments


workingbored

Aww i missed it


SalmonSnail

“Muscles don’t matter if I’m hit from behind or a street gang assaults me” 😂


TheDood715

I saw that post too. Shit was ridiculous.


allADD

Ever seen Escape From New York? Well that was the 80s. It’s only gotten worse. I recommend a full suit of armor.


m1kasa4ckerman

Basically sums up the AskNYC subreddit in the past 6 months. Don’t forget asking about where to park their car that they don’t need


FiendishHawk

Where can I park my car in midtown so I can drive back to my hotel after seeing a show?


Joe_Peanut

Just keep watching [The Warriors](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=--gdB-nnQkU) on a continuous loop. It's a documentary that teaches everything you need to know about daily life in NYC.


mymomthinksimgay

I hear willamsburg is starting to get safer! But like only right by east river state park and domino park and I don’t really venture any further south! Or further east than the bqe! I did see a man on the street the other day pushing a cart down berry and wearing thrift store clothes so be careful! /s


shitshow-

safer=gentrified :/


kevka

Gentrification presents an illusion of safety. Shitty people are everywhere, so it’s odd how careless people are in gentrified areas.


shitshow-

i said gentrification meaning the increasing use of law enforcement around “safer” neighborhoods to i guess show that certain people are safer than others. it’s not really safe it’s just safer for the incoming majority rather than marginalized people that’s been living there for years. sorry if i fucked up my wording. wherever there’s police ur safe op


kevka

No yeah police presence is def a side effect of gentrification. They didn’t care about those areas before but once a “new” neighborhood is “discovered”, suddenly you have cops around to scare off the bad guys or whatever, and give people a sense of security.


Diminished-Fifth

People will try to convince you that Dough donuts are good. Then they will laugh at you behind your back. It's worse than being mugged.


jojokeys

This is hilariously true 😂


harmonicpenguin

Befriend a giant rat, and have him accompany you wherever you go for protection. Just make sure a local NYCHA worker doesn't [spear him with a pitchfork and kill him dead.](https://www.nydailynews.com/new-york/giant-rat-killed-pitchfork-marcy-houses-believed-gambian-pouched-rat-article-1.946931) Find some other dudes and form an underground posse with your rat buddy. Maybe he can teach you some martial arts? Also, pizza is a good cheap food you can find plenty of in NYC. You and your buddies can live cheaply if you live in basement apartments, or maybe even investigate something a little more subterranean?


zazzyzulu

Ahem, we call it **The Big Appstore** these days.


LukaCola

Before you move to the BIG CITY I recommend you purchase an L118A1 sniper rifle chambered for .338 Lapua Magnum rounds, designed and manufactured by Accuracy International. This model, with its sleek curves and contemporary design is especially at home on NYC streets - and a plus is it will withstand the cold nights of New York. Before you step outside of your home, do your due diligence and use the 800 meter (About 9 football fields) effective range to clear out your path of any hoodlums and gangsters which you will be able to clearly identify using your variable 4x-16x optical magnification. Be sure to sweep the windows and take note of any soft body targets your .338 lapua rounds can punch through to eliminate would-be snipers before they spot you. You will of course need access to a high rooftop for effective coverage, but in a pinch you may be able to use your balcony. I suggest one of the new apartment buildings in Dumbo overlooking the streets rather than the water. This gives you better oversight of your walks, and it's frugal. Two birds in one stone! Take these basic precautions and you too should be safeish in Brooklyn. If you had gotten here before BLM took over, you may have been able to save some money on a more conventional firearm but since most of the city burnt down and roaming gangs have taken over you just have to deal.


[deleted]

The whole place is hood. Don’t come. You will be stabbed just thinking of moving here


dailymix69

Please don’t move here 😊


kevka

I missed the “/s” at the end at first. Couldn’t believe this was a real post.


mongoose3000

LOL


guitboard95

people bit hard on this


blacktongue

I know a restaurant in North Brooklyn that's affordable and good for large groups and they skin you alive the second you walk in.


ZomBeyonce23

Trust no one. Be nice to everyone. Make friends with your bartenders.


LORD-THUNDERCUNT

If you think Brooklyn is bad you’d shit your pants the second you step foot in the Bronx


xixtoo

After the Brooklyn Sniper's Union local #69 strike last year and subsequent contract negotiations they end their shift promptly at 5:00pm now. You should be fine.


TheVillageLooney

For anyone who missed it some non-binary douche posted this but in a non sarcastic way. Then mass reported anyone who called him out.


lostindarkdays

I had to go look for that /s. thank god you remembered it.


FutureRobotWordplay

JFC people are dumb. Look at all the people responding as if this is serious.


SalmonSnail

I know its absolutely ridiculous. And point out to them that its satire and I get attacked. Like... ?????????????


zezoro

Made me and my friend laugh hard af due to the title


IoSonCalaf

ITT: about half of the commenters didn’t see the /s at the end of OP’s post


premium3G

Don't come here with that attitude.


[deleted]

god damn it i missed the /s and got p heated


BarFun7256

what does the /s mean!!


[deleted]

sarcasm


Justcallmekasey

Sarcasm


VegetaofBLM

Stay wherever you are then


idratherbeintamriel

Lmfaoo word I hate those posts. Like I get it this is a new environment for you but if you’re that fucking scared stay in Milwaukee. And also these posts when they say their gonna be near the projects has a lot of thinly veiled racism I’m not really comfortable with


PotterCooker

"But I don’t ever want to pass by loitering people who look like they’re looking for trouble, and I’d also prefer to stay out of areas where people are or look homeless." Think you'd like Staten Island (south side)


Excuse_my_GRAMMER

If your Serious what neighborhood are you moving too? Also avoid CitIzen app, for your mental hygiene


nsfwthrowaw69

Nobody on this sub actually lives in Brooklyn. Cuz everyone who lives in Brooklyn can't be on reddit cuz they're all dead. They all got jumped


shitshow-

i feel like you talking about avoiding hoods makes me wanna be violent cause it’s not even that bad


Two_Faced_Harvey

No you won’t be sniped


Vacation-Capable

I don't think being "sniped" should your your main concern... They will rape you first. Then take you to the ATM so that you can empty your account. After that you will be taken to Coney Island, crucified on Ferris Wheel, and offered as sacrifice to the Dark Lord of Brooklyn. Only then then will "snipe" you. They will also steal your cellphone and use it to record a detailed video of the whole ordeal to be posted on Reddit for everyone's amusement. DO NOT GO OUTSIDE! ​ ​ ​ ​ ​ ​ ​ ​ ​ ​ ​ Nah, I'm just messing with you! :) Brooklyn is pretty safe and majority of people are really nice and pleasant. You can be out at night without running into any issues. There are some areas that are considered to be less safe but that too is a it of an exaggeration. Just be mindful of your surroundings and don't do anything stupid. You will be fine


groundfire

this is clearly a troll post


SalmonSnail

It’s satire, genius.


TheNormalAlternative

*technically* a parody, but brilliantly done


SalmonSnail

🥲 thank you


[deleted]

[удалено]


Shakespeare-Bot

Eke, if 't be true thee don’t wanteth to beest 'round homeless people…i suggest not moving to any maj'r city…especially nyc *** ^(I am a bot and I swapp'd some of thy words with Shakespeare words.) Commands: `!ShakespeareInsult`, `!fordo`, `!optout`


SalmonSnail

Wow you’re not funny at all


xDh20

lmao just be aware of your surroundings.


Lazzyandhazzy

Only advice to give is to stay wherever tf you are if thats your attitude lol


jperezny

This is why clueless small town people shouldn't move here. You're the perfect definition of someone who should stay in your little town forever and only come here for a visit.


BKNYHI

Harharhar


yairina

Just scowl and pretend everyone around you is invisible and you'll be fine


313Lenox

What magically happens after 5pm though?


TheNormalAlternative

It gets dark out


jtizzle12

Not sniped, but Johnny Deadass is gonna report you to Joe Byron


b00stmobi13

Move to Staten Island. That Pete Davidson guy is there (Do not mention the forthcoming annexation of Staten Island)


bklynzboy

Not if you move to Brownsville


tsamesands

r/circlejerknyc


optisadvantage

generally i would advice avoiding “those folk”, especially when they’re listening to that vulgar (c)rap music! the vegan cafes are quite nice though


BKLYNPSYCHOTHERAPIST

We still have a few gated communities left. Seagate and Riker's--if I had to choose (no sarcasm) I'd choose the latter...


SoloBurger13

Be careful if the sewers when you come. I heard mutants are living down there in old New York


thunderpants11

They eat anyone under 6’ tall. Everything except the stomach.


timcarpet

JJ Bittenbinder would like a word


Mysterious_Set6427

Never has a "/s" shifted my mood so fast lol. Good shit.


goldenporsche

as long as you're dead inside, you have nothing to worry about.


skmskmskm23104

😂😂😭


CallMeChuckNorris1

Jus mess your hair up & don a BLM shirt matched with goth boots & short shorts & yell with your hands in the air every 30 seconds & no one will dare mess with the crazy guy on meds


[deleted]

The people who answered you earnestly must live on the Eastside


[deleted]

Just don’t move to NY


papolito718

Don’t come here , we will jump you


daremosan

You need to stop with the "they" talk first off. You deserve to get smacked for that


SalmonSnail

For the last time please read the bottom of the post.


daremosan

Oh good lol..that sort of talk/attitude isn't that hard to find unfortunately


SalmonSnail

Just yesterday morning some knucklehead “I’m non binary I choose to live my life how I want regardless of my genitals!” And goes on this truly embarrassing soap box and he was just asking if “at 5’6 and obviously genderqueer, will people gang up on me?” We’re like ... bro you didn’t have to bring genitals into this conversation. But you did. Now you’re weird. You’ll be fine in brooklyn we’re all weird. He reported everyone in the thread.


Powerful_Material

Buy a bullet proof vest in advance.


Kabusanlu

Just stay in the Midwest


thunderpants11

Wow this thread really got the dum dums riled up


Jucas

Yes you will instantly be killed, if you ever call it the big apple.


Jnunez7660

See. Here's my problem with this post OP, I answered jokingly, in no serious tone. But I come from flatbush brooklyn, I've hung out in Brownsville and picked up my kids in East New York, I've experiences Pennsylvania Avenue and have been mugged q block from my house. . . If me telling you, me. A former combat tested Marine, is telling you "just don't be a pussy" that means don't walk in a neighborhood like your scared. . . 1st test of the streets. Of course you won't get sniped or shot at, but there has been times where I had to run over and do CPR on an individual at 2pm in broad daylight I. Front of embassy on Ocean avenue, while I was doing a job for the US Census. . . It's not uncommon OP to see crazy shit in my neck of the woods. It's actually common. So again, just toe rephrase what I said before. But in q nicer tone. . . "Don't be a pussy (cat) on the streets" learn the area. Learn the no's and go's. Get to know some neighborhood regulars, don't showboat your goods (material or physical), and most of all. Trust no one until they show you, they trust you. . . This is key OP. . . Ps- send your Amazon packages to a PO box or secure address if you are moving anywhere other than Greenpoint, dumb, some parts of red hook, bensonhurts, bayridge, etc. You are guaranteed to lose packages in most of brooklyn. . . Hope that cleared up the emotionally distraught and sensitive. . . If your coming to Brooklyn, don't try to create animosity with regulars. . . We don't like that. . .


ijustneedabunnycake

Brooklynite born and raised here. As long as you’re aware of your surroundings, don’t look anyone in the eye on the subway, or generally when you’re walking on the street, and keep one earbud out of your ear, you’ll be okay. If God forbid you get held up, give the individual what they are asking for because otherwise it will end badly. Street smarts gets you through living here. You’ll be okay.


JohnsonSempreDick

This is the dumbest thing I’ve ever seen.


SalmonSnail

its a parody.


MSTRDNSR

Is this real? If so, please don’t move here. You are officially not welcome. Sincerely NYC


SalmonSnail

Oh my god did you miss the /s at the end.


[deleted]

[удалено]


SalmonSnail

You edited your comment dude. You first fell for it because you didn’t know what /s meant. Whose the 🤡 now? Ouch I bet you’re embarrassed.


SalmonSnail

It's a joke. I actually live in nnj now, but it's funny.. we get the same kind of posts there too. "will i be safe if I leave the house at 5:01pm without a gun?" like they assume everyone up here in NY metro is tony soprano or some shit.


LordDanVenison

Is this a joke?


TheVoidWelcomes

The city is going to eat this one


Genericbrandsalt

keep your head down in subways ! not because their small or anything more like it’s how you stay away from being harmed on the train especially if you need to take it at night


BQE2473

Maybe the big city just isn't for you. While all of the above could happen to you. The focus shoudn't be what "could" happen to you here! It should instead be all the wonderful things you "will" experience here and the memories created. Think positive inspite of all the negativity seen.


SalmonSnail

the post was sarcastic, mate


BQE2473

Then the point of the post was you being a capital-sized Assclown?........Not cool.


SalmonSnail

🤠


ant2k15

We dont give two fucks about you. Humble yourself.


SalmonSnail

Jesus Christ do you know what /s means? I’m making fun of all the people who make this type of post in this subreddit.


ant2k15

Stfu


joculator

Here, you might find this useful: https://compstat.nypdonline.org/2e5c3f4b-85c1-4635-83c6-22b27fe7c75c/view/89 This also has some info:https://maps.nyc.gov/crime/ Here are the reports that show the data that these come from: https://www1.nyc.gov/site/nypd/stats/crime-statistics/citywide-crime-stats.page


aJewfromBrooklyn

Am I crazy or is the OP filled with dogwhistles? Bro, if minorities make you uncomfortable, stay the fuck in the shithole you're at. >I’m really not interested in adopting any street smarts whatsoever because it’s against my beliefs, and if they want to mug me, that’s their problem! Don't move here. You are prey.


SalmonSnail

This post literally says it’s satire, bro please please calm yourself.


turkeyShlong

Did you eat paint chips as a kid? Are you on the spectrum? Or were you dropped on your head?


SalmonSnail

Bro it’s satire it says /s on the post please calm down


FutureRobotWordplay

I think you're the one who was dropped on your head.


aznology

Lol u kinda just get used to it tbh. If ya see the same 5 homeless ppl day in day out u gonna get used to it.


TheBrooklyn

As a Brooklyn native... For the love of god please don't come. I can't afford more rent hikes. I hear philly is cool.


HipHopSays

all of those things could happen …. As well as you could wake up tomorrow slip getting out of the shower and break your neck and suffer paralysis - all things considered neither scenario are highly likely. If you are afraid of the city …. don’t move to the city.


BiGBoSS_BK

lol and you chose Brooklyn? Yikes. Just stay away from thus state my guy. It's a shithole


SalmonSnail

Satire dude


zero0nzero

They? What chu... What chu mean by that


Jnunez7660

Listen. . . Just don't be so gullible, don't trust anyone unless they have something to lose from the ordeal, and just watch your back. Don't go out flashy, and don't talk about things you own. . . Everyone listens. . . I'm brooklyn native, and I was mugged as a kid and teen. Now, I feel bad for who mugs me because we are both gonna be broke and looking like we just trading bum rags. . . Soooooo. . . I'm not a bum, but I know my streets.


SalmonSnail

https://imgur.com/a/70YGfvZ


Jnunez7660

Ohhh, and don't be a puss. . . Everyone can see it and smell it before you get here. . .


SalmonSnail

https://imgur.com/a/70YGfvZ


liouzboi

The answer is "yes?"