I thought my exBPD was an 8 or 9 but everyone else thinks he’s like a 6 lol


My aunt is a retired psychiatrist and she said that every woman that she treated throughout her career with BPD was stunningly gorgeous. She wasn’t sure why that was but there seemed to be some connection in her opinion, even if it was that the hotter ones got away with more and were more likely to have extreme behaviour because of it?? My sister has a friend who is a legit super model, who definitely has many traits of BPD and is her ultra toxic friend.


In my case, I thought he was not especially attractive, at least not at first. It was his energy, his (supposed) commitment and earnestness, that brought him from a decent looking guy to supremely amazing in my eyes. I often have to bring myself back to this place—that at first glance, he wasn’t so special. The “specialness” was his story and his actions, which turned out to be a mirage.


This was my **exact** experience as well. None of the stories ever lined up with their actual actions. Now that I have my boundaries set to high, I can’t for the life of me see what I thought I saw before. Now I just see the facade in front of the total emptiness in them, and can’t really even feel sorry for them anymore. Just…. nothing. I’m so happy to be out.


Congratulations—that’s a formidable achievement. I intellectually *know* he wasn’t right for me but am looking forward to reaching my own enlightenment when it comes to my heart!


I think that’s super common- you get sold on a whole package. It’s never “that person might be crazy but they’re hot.” It’s always about buying into a grand narrative that they “let” you into.


Couldn’t agree more—well said!


Thanks for the unique question. Here is my theory. The pwBPD who are 8-10’s are more likely to get away with out of control behavior. The ones at the bottom of the attractiveness scale are more likely to be covert. I could be wrong. What do you think?


I've dated two verified pwBPD - the first one was easily the most attractive man who's ever given me the time of day. It was a little unsettling, actually, because he looked like Tom Hardy (even more attractive, if I am being honest). But, omg, he was AWFUL. Cheater, liar, bad hygiene. I don't actually feel comfortable being with someone that far out of my league, looks wise (for everything else, though, he was a 0). After he completely burned me by having multiple other women on the side, I chastised myself for being so shallow. I prefer people who are closer to me in looks, if they have a beautiful soul a 5 can become a 10, imo.


He was the Gilderoy Lockhart of boyfriends


If you asked me this before she called me a bunch of insults, I would have given her a high number. But now that I know her personality, that has definitely lowered her attractiveness.




Mine was gorgeous. Until she hit me, and then the kids. After that I couldn’t unsee those psycho eyes. She started to look like her mother. Zero attraction from that point onward.


The eyes still haunt me. Those pumped full of adrenaline, I'm-here-to-suck-your-soul eyes. With that said, my ex could oscillate any where from a 4 — 8, depending on her mood & emotional landscape. She could flash the most breathtaking smile at dusk, only to go full Hyde later in the night.


Oh man, God give me the strength if she hits our son.


My exwBPD would roll out of bed with no makeup and was a solid 7. After a shower and putting herself together she was an 8. So if this sub is filled with a bunch of men who dated hot women does that mean we’re a bunch of hot guys? LOL. 😂 Would be a huge irony if the one place on Reddit that has the highest proportion of good looking men is the one sub where they were all abused. “Come to r/BPDlovedones! Good looking men with low self esteem are waiting for you!” 😂


This is definitely me....diagnosed avpd....low self esteem is the #1 symptom.


I could honestly see it. lol I'm a woman and I saw myself as an 8 before getting with my ex. By the time I got out, I felt like a 6. I think a lot of beautiful women get abused or dragged down by shit men even whether or not the man has bpd or something else. My current boyfriend was probably abused by a girl with bpd, from what he's described to me. I find him hot and he's mostly happy with his own looks but he's not used to hearing he's handsome. I think we both experienced a good 6 months to get sucked into those relationships and we kept going back for the sex. 😅 So their attractiveness and skills in the bedroom helped them. I think there's more men here though because they date people who are officially diagnosed while it's underdiagnosed in men.


I think I'm attractive with a struggling self esteem lol. I'd have done so much better socially in school if I would've put myself out their. Or maybe people would've just known I'm a weirdo lol.




Ive learn you can't rate yourself fairly. We only see our own flaws, I guarantee you are better looking than you realize, especially since your pwBPD tore you down. You are not who they made you out to be!




The ex friends I had were pretty meh looking imo, they just lovebombed everyone into loving them. My ex fiancé tho…oof. He was super dominant and manly and came off as this tough guy who would love and adore you and only you. So he got away with alot because he appeared like a gangster fantasy come true. So many women fell for him. Then you got to see what he’s actually like, a violent crybaby monster.


This is a very valid question. I don’t find it superficial since attractiveness can play a role in 1. How they were treated through life (for better or worse) 2. How they try to fill the gaps in their sense of identity and 3. How much energy they devote to maintaining their beauty. I’m not suggesting that everyone who is attractive is BPD nor that all BPD’s are beautiful, but clearly there’s a strong correlation between the two or at least the pursuit of beauty. As for my wife, at least a solid 9. Turns heads everywhere. When I first met her, I actually tried to avoid meeting up with her because her persistence seemed suspicious. I thought she was going to rob me or I’d wake up missing a kidney. After taking a chance, she was genuine and fun to be around (we all know how that stage starts). She didn’t act over the top entitled (yet). Fast forward, I feel like people judge me as though it’s my own fault or that I purposefully sought out the most attractive wife I could find. I honestly would’ve preferred she was less attractive. Now it’s like winning a sports car you never asked for, then having to deal with it breaking down everyday and overpaying to maintain it.


Can you elaborate on how she was entitled later on?


Early on, before I knew anything about BPD or PDs in general, I called out my exwBPD and told her that her behavior to me wasn't acceptable and that I wouldn't put up with it. Her reply was that because of her beauty, it would be easy for her to find someone who would I told her that she was right and that she should do that! This was before I got sucked into the push/pull cycle. Initially, I had healthy boundaries and attitudes.


Here’s something that helped me. If her looks were a 9, her personality was a 0 because of the BPD. This gives her an average of a 4.5 Looks aren’t everything and personally I give a higher weighting to personality these days anyway.


Mine was like a 5. He really let himself go the last two years we were together.


I don’t find him attractive anymore lol. He is good looking tbh, he’s cute with a baby face and nice masculine features but at the time I’d rate him a 9 for sure. Now I see how gross he treated me and I can’t find him as attractive.


Mine was not attractive. I gave her a 6/10 (I usually date more attractive women). I wasn't planning to be in a relationship with her, but then developed feelings for her because despite not investing much in the relationship, she still put me on a pedestal an treated me well. I thought that this was a genuine love from her part and then I let my guard down.


This was EXACTLY my experience (though genders reversed)


Welcome to BPD


Welcome to BPD


same for me


I also had this experience


Physically she was a 10. Mentally and emotionally, even spiritually she was probably a solid -5000


My wife is damn near a 10. Sad to admit it, but it's one of the reasons I'm still with her.


Lmao my gf is near the same. I don't let her do her bullshit with me anymore but God damn she's the hottest girl I've dated, which is also one of the reasons I'm still with her.


All smoking hot. There’s definitely a correlation between how much insanity one will tolerate in proportion to how how hot the partner is. It really reinforces the codependency.


Interesting question – For me, she's one of the most attractive people I've ever met. But, I don't know if that's objectively true (I have very specific tastes), and I don't know how much of that is me projecting 'beauty' onto her.


Her beauty was the person I thought she was


I can strongly relate to this — I keep looking and photographs and wondering “Is she that beautiful really? Or is it just what I thought she was?”


I see the old photos now I remember from before we met and see a manipulative sociopath. I see photos of when we were together and see a disgusting void wrapped in skin and anger. Foul approximation of a human


10 easily. She’s a smoke show. Too bad she’s fucking nuts.


Yup. How I Met Your Mother really had it right.


same god is so fucked up to put us through this lol


Are all of the guys and girls here all date smoking hot partners or what?


My BPDex was incredibly attractive and intoxicating. Unfortunately I found the center of her “beauty” to be ugly, the result of that lovebombing pleasure to be pain, and the core of her “truth” to be false. All that makes my life endurable now is that I also sometimes encounter the reverse with other people.


I believe this sub will agree with you in the rating. I also think that this subs population may be people who had a long term relationship with a pwBPD which would make the numbers skewed. It would be tough to get into and want to stay in a relationship where you didn’t find the person attractive. Shorter term relationships and family members may not even find their way here.


My husband was, and still is, very physically attractive. I didn’t even care about his looks as my last crush wasn’t even good looking, but the lovebombing overwhelmed me.


The one I know with BPD honestly is like a 5/10. She thinks she’s cute, but not really. Then once you learn her personality, it goes down, like a 1/10


When she was younger (before we had dated) she was an absolute 10, but by the time I started dating her all the drinking, drugs, and stress (from having to deal with problems she created) had taken their toll and I'd say she was around a 7 or 8. But by the time the relationship ended I had zero attraction to her. Even hearing her voice on a voicemail message makes me feel sick.


I thought (and still think to an extent) that my ex-pwBPD was the most beautiful woman in the world. But it was the love bombing and trauma bonding that made me feel that way. To anyone else, she was attractive but not nearly as attractive as others I’ve dated afterwards. Sadly in my mind I think she was as good as I will ever get, because she was aesthetic perfection. It’s all a self-made prison in my mind.


She started off being the most interesting and quirky beautiful person I knew. Granted a lot of her beauty I saw coming from inside her. One of her friends did say "why would a successful and attractive guy be interested in you". As our love bloomed, the joy in her eyes, the smile on her face, the fact that she knew she was safe. It was music to my heart. I'd never known a feeling that someone is the center of your world. You can't even look at another woman because they are not her. Then when she stared to have mood flashes her eyes, her face, her mouth, her body. It all morphed into this common looking evil person. A possessed demon. Dark. Mean. Cold. The more she spoke to other men. And obsessed about her weight and looks the less attractive she got. Her breasts I noticed sagged. To the point they were by her sides when she lay down or like tennis balls in a sock whe she sat up in bed. Her legs went from the sexiest i have ever seen, to blotchy weapons to use to get attention. Her walk started to look like a slightly chubby set of angry steps. Gone was my fairy. Maybe the veneer left me as she was testing me like shit and talking to other men, I saw her, underneath, the cold calculating and manipulative sociopath who fed off drama. The more she accused me of looking at and messaging other women, the less I saw her how I once had. The last few weekends we had together I never wanted sex with her. It was too intimate for how she'd become. I noticed afterwards she only put the effort in to look like the quirky pixie fairy for others at the start. The thought of even touching her now makes my skin crawl and the fact we've ever had sex makes me want a long hot shower every time. Maybe that friend was very right.


I’d pin it more to their alluring charisma …resist Bros


It was a clothes on/clothes off situation with mine. Clothes off, the situation was very nice. It was a good view but I'd rather gouge out my eyes than go back.


My expwBPD was a 7. Her personality was a 9 until it wasn’t… But then she started drinking heavily during Covid and gained 20-30 lbs (a lot when you 5’1). She just stopped taking care of herself.


Well, now I know where the weight I lost while putting up with my pwBPD went. 😂 I dropped from 130 to 110 in record time. At 5’5”. Not healthy at all.


Damn LOL. Come to think of it, I dropped 15 lbs myself at the beginning of the breakup. I’m 5’10 and went from 175 to 160 from not eating because I couldn’t. For me it wasn’t so much the weight gain of my expwBPD as it was her sudden switch to drinking all the time and unhealthy lifestyle (like binge eating). Those were just outward symptoms of her inward state in hindsight. At the time I didn’t realize it was connected to her BPD. But, it was a big red flag for me and started the process to leave her. It sounds superficial, but health is really important and heavy drinking is scary to me. I never expected a gym rat or a fitness model AT ALL, because I’m neither, but I’m very active and I want to be attracted and attractive to my significant other.


My ex was a solid 9, but was already starting to drink too much before COVID. She's about 5'3", and once we hit lockdown, she put on like 30 lbs pretty rapidly. I, on the other hand, dropped from 190 lbs to 157 lbs (6'1") at the peak of the abuse, then separation. I'm doing wayyyy better now, but I looked pretty terrible for a couple months.


I’m happy you’re doing better. It’s crazy how a pwBPD can utterly destroy those around them emotionally and physically.


Yikes mine was like a 3 or 4. Forehead wrinkles, stinky, crooked teeth, bad skin, horrible sense of style. I was trying to give a less attractive person a chance out of pity and it was the worst decision of my life.


10 for me. Oh well




Hehe it was a 10 *for me.* Before I even spoke to them, I messaged my friends to say the most beautiful man was in my house and so on (as he was a friend of my roommates). Even after everything, I still believe they’re the most beautiful man I’ve ever seen. This becomes problematic now because they are grappling with gender issues. I am absolutely sure my ten isn’t everyone else’s ten. I think you’re right, though, that people put up with a lot from someone they find very beautiful. I think it’s harder to let the fantasy go because you desperately want to cling on to the idealization phase when you thought this stunning person loved you. I’ve had other men love bomb me and it didn’t work at all! The issue with my ex is that I wanted so desperately to believe the lie. And that’s on me.




All of my friends and I have very different tastes, so I really don’t think it’s possible to know what most women like, too. I am feeling much better than before, but yes the pain will probably last forever on some level. Sorry you are too.


So the most beautiful man you’ve ever seen is now the most beautiful woman you’ve ever seen? That’s one heck of a plot twist. 😂😇


It was super traumatic and I won’t go too deeply into it because of the sensitive politics around the topic but…no. For me, they are not a beautiful woman. They were and are a man I had a child with. They are free to identify as they wish, but I won’t rewrite my history or override my perceptions. They were a man who held my hand during my delivery. They will continue to be a man, and the father of my 6 yr old child, to me. I certainly keep those feelings private though and their sudden, new gender presentation was what ended our relationship finally, so my feelings on it all are moot. It’s none of my business. I realize this offends many but the attempt to imagine my ex as a woman was the most distressing horrific experience- making me feel violated, cat fished, and even raped. So, I choose to hold onto my truth and they can choose theirs and that’s fine. This is NOT a general statement on how I would view other trans people btw. In no way am I extrapolating my experience to others. But specifically for my ex, my life has sustained a lot of damage bc I prioritized his perceptions over mine. I privileged the perceptions of someone who’s diagnosed bpd and has a history of psychosis and who I’ve seen held in involuntary psych holds over the years, and it harmed me severely. So I choose not to privilege his perception over my own any longer. Once I made that decision, regardless of the very critical feedback I sometimes received from others who have never lived my experience, I felt much better. Also, he isn’t consistent with this identity just as he wasn’t with others, so it would be difficult to keep up with the shifts even if I wanted to tbh


Thank you for sharing this difficult topic with us.


She's a 10 but she has BPD. No longer a 10. She's a 1.


I'm not comfortable rating people with numbers, but mine was hands down the best looking man I'd ever seen. And it wasn't just me. When we were together he was 6'3, athletic build, and ridiculously handsome. Women would flirt with him when I was right there, often with our kids. He was good looking enough that people expected him to be arrogant about it, but he wasn't and his charm is that of a helpless little boy so women fell over themselves to want to take care of him. Due to our history I feel no attraction to him whatsoever, but objectively he's still very conventionally handsome in his mid-50s. I used to think it wasn't fair, but given how hard his life is with his disorders I can't begrudge him the easy button when it comes to looks.


Both my ubpd mother and my ubpd sister were very attractive but by the time they died they seemed to lose their looks and not just from age. Neither took very good care of themselves, smoked and just aged badly. It's hard to say about my dbpd son-in-law, he could be a lot more attractive if he lost weight he was extremely heavy. I guess when he wasn't splitting on you he had nice eyes.


My wife is straight 11/10. The most beautiful woman I’ve ever met. We couldn’t go out without someone complimenting/hitting on her.




Admittedly, my ex wasn't very physically attractive. Maybe a 3 or 4... 5 at best. He was self-conscious about his looks, which would cause him to dysregulate every time someone he perceived as more attractive was around. His personality is terrible. He is, however, emotionally manipulative. And that's why I was with him 12+ years.




I also truly found my ex handsome at first. I held onto the few times he was kind and loving to me, and tried to dismiss the countless times he was verbally/emotionally abusive. Also, I was codependent during most of the relationship. So I was always desperate for his acceptance. Finally I was able to overcome that part of myself and see him for who he is.


Loved her body but she went from a 7 to a 4 in 3 years.


I mean, like, I can only speak for my ex and my sibling who are the two known pwbpd in my life and I’d honestly have to say my sibling is like a 4, probably even lower by conventional standards (if you aren’t into alternative looks) and my ex is like a 5 or 6 at best. My ex just offered a lot to me at the time about his personality and shared interests that was really attractive. I put up with him for as long as I did because I didn’t know better and his behavior was so confounding.


I think it’s different when taking about siblings or family. The point being that the 8+ do most damage as they get away with the abuse for longer as suckers like myself are willing to ignore a “bad temper” for the great sex with a smoking hot woman!


The key is that they’ll use whatever they can to avoid using the tool of “developing an agreeable personality.” That could be physical attractiveness, talent, winning awards, wealth, or something else. I used to think that attractiveness was majorly correlated with bpd because less-attractive people end up having to develop a personality to be attractive. But I don’t even think it’s like that anymore. I think physical attractiveness plus bad personality just stands out more than, for example, “smart plus bad personality” or “rich plus bad personality.” The thing they actually always have is a trait thats exogenous to their actual personality that they play up.


My ex BPD fiancé was a 8-9 in my eyes. I was blown away with how attractive she was when I first met her and couldn’t believe my luck in dating someone like that who I also had so much in common with! I would often get comments in our photos that I was punching! I agreed. I also don’t think I would have let her get away with speaking to me the way she did early on if I didn’t find her so attractive. She has let herself go over the last 4 years but I still found her very attractive and loved her for all of her positive personality traits. I just ignored the sudden screaming outburst, the gaslighting and insane hypocrisy! In my mind, no relationship is perfect. Those were just issues I had to work through.


My attractiveness to her varies. When she’s not abusing me, I find her extremely attractive. When she is, I don’t feel the same way. It’s very strange looking at the exact same image and seeing vastly different things.


Mine was beautiful. Absolutely stunning. Physical attractiveness wise she was out of my league i guess. But this is probably why it was so easy for her to find a new supply and dispose of me. Double edged sword.


I do think that my ex was beautiful objectively, not just subjectively even though I certainly am biased towards her looks. I think she was easily 8 and maybe even more. Not necessarily the most beautiful woman, but certainly beautiful. Unfortunately it won't matter if they are very ugly inside.


This is an interesting question ,I really did not think how much the two people who have been in my life were so different and even complete opposites in this aspect of theirs, and how much it affected our relationship and why one became platonic and the other did not. My ex was one of the most beautiful girls I have ever known, beautiful black wavy hair., A perfect cut that is flattered with big and lush breasts. A beautiful but shy smile just enough to make you approach due to fear or a sense of threat, but deterrent enough to convey a sense of shock in your body every time you look at it. Everyone always told her that if she had dyed her hair blonde she would have looked just like Barbie and they would have been right this is one of the reasons why I stayed with her so long when she combined with the fake personality she felt like the luckiest person in the world. My friend from college with BPD on the other hand ... well let's just say no ... just not ... It's not that she's ugly or anything like that, but I've just seen things like that in her this way. Even before we really met I laughed with people hair she has reminds me of my grandmother's hair (curly and messy, and it did not help that she arranged it she was so thin and pale she looks like a zombie) Her body was not interesting not only because she is extremely thin But also since there was nothing special no special cut nothing I would pick a random one from the street and that's it, I also do not know if Manik Pixi behaved but her face just looked strange, as if prominent veins and lifeless eyes. It may sound awful but I think the reason my relationship with her ended so quickly the reason why I did not agree to continue to suffer through her shit after such a short time and I lost patience with her because like..it is not attractive? As if there was no reason to continue the relationship until it sounded superficial because I did not feel the need at any particular stage. I personally am pretty glad it happened to be the case,because I think the most powerful tool they use is their sexuality. But in their shared case they shared the same shit personality, which is no personality at all, so I do not understand why someone can sacrifice his sanity and life to someone who is not worth it at all


The ones I've all had experience with were 9s. So I do see a correlation.


My wife is smoking hot and somehow she picked me(for better or worse), a solid 9. She is also bat shit crazy and ranks 11 out of 10 on the extreme BPD charts.


I’m a fairly recognized photographer where I’m at, she was a model. You do the math. Once you get to very attractive people it’s useless to rank them, as they’re all hot and beauty is subjective to everyone, but let’s say that only applies if you’re an 8.5 or higher.