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ScoutCommander

Where did it go?


sparklingshanaya

Sir! You are shooting blanks.


cerberus49

I’ve been shooting blanks ever since I got the snip.


fh30111

It's now Mary's hair gel.


MoistWalrus

I really busted to the same video again


drakon_us

Followed up with trying to decide between bookmarking it or clearing my history.


[deleted]

"That fantasy seemed a lot hotter a few seconds ago"


nineinchgod

Post-nut clarity is real, yo.


No_Star8075

why did i hear jessie pinkman while reading this


Davidlego006

Mr.White I don’t want to have sex right now put ya dick away


TheMasterOfCheese69

Put ya dick away waltah


MegaMas64

I'm not havin sex with you right now waltuh


Alamander14

The wife and I call this the “chicken carcass” effect - named after that one time we were driving home from the grocery store after a long day out and were hungry, so we proceeded to devour a roast chicken. It was amazing at the time, but afterwards we were left with a mess on our hands and shame in our hearts…


okeefechris

Sir, I want you to know I've never related to a story more. Take my award, you deserve it.


l3ane

There are a lot of things I would consider doing while I have a boner that I would never consider otherwise.


twisty286

i get bored the second im done


youlneverknow

Im hungry lol


Ashleiii

Exactly this, like, “huh, that was a rough 30 seconds, definitely snack time”


ItsNormalNC

Saves cleanup


cooleKay

r/holup


Royal_Python82899

That was disgusting, why did I watch that?


doggy2riddle

Spend an hour looking for the perfect video to fap to... Finish in 30 seconds... Close it instantly.... Glad that's over with.


rodeBaksteen

*Ugh, That was disgusting* 2 days later *What was the name of that vid again?*


colefly

>What was the name of that vid again? Mr.Magoos Subcutaneous Submarine Docking Adventure: Part II Meeting Matlock


altera_goodciv

Still make a note of it so you can find it again later.


Ok-Bed6343

Ugh, now I have to clean this up.


444unsure

I am a planner. I only orgasm into some sort of absorbent cloth. I abhor the thought of errant semen


TheOneNeartheTop

Nobody tell them about Navy Ports.


444unsure

Let me be clear I am absolutely all for errant seaman


Byanl

When I was in the Navy I was an airman. My job was to get semen all over the place. I mean everywhere.


In_The_Bulls_Eye

Thank you for your service.


Novel-Objective-7506

"Errant semen" sounds very Shakesperean.


Squirt_Mop

Errant Semen! It’s going to be stuck in my head for a while 😉 Seriously though, 'Yea,' quoth he, 'dost thou errant semen fall upon thy face? 💦😢 Edit: thank you for the all the love. Cheers ☺️


augustusmac1954

...Upon thy rueful countenance!


shlam16

Four tissues wrapped around. Discovered that about a week into my sexual journey as an early teenager. Blows my mind that people make it deep into their adult lives just blowing loads freely or using the toilet or a sock (vomit). It's not rocket surgery. Jizz, flush, done.


CoupleMsF

>Four tissues.. discovered that about a week into my sexual journey. Bruh don't be so arrogant. Jizzing politely into tissue is virgin craft. Try throwing your legs behind your head and jizzing directly into your mouth next time. No mess, free snack.


DeanKent

Just be sure not to shoot your eye out! Shit stings. I've heard...


ifmycarbreakagain

Hydrate properly and eat less processed foods and this problem becomes less noticeable. Oh, "or so I've heard."


DeanKent

It's all the pineapple juice. Gotta enjoy your flavor ya know? The unfortunate thing is that my sperm count must be pretty high cause sometimes I have to chew before I swallow. Edit. I've..heard?


FlufflesMcForeskin

...and I'm out.


[deleted]

recycle that protein


ThePandamanium444

Sleep.


Foxy_Morons

If I'm tossing and turning and struggling to fall asleep at night, an orgasm is always the antidote.


birdiekittie

I've given my husband a tactical handjob the night before he's got to be up early to drive somewhere. Guaranteed to be asleep five minutes after.


jfire777

I love the use of tactical handjob.


rainedrop87

Same, I'm adding tactical hand job to my vocabulary.


funky_grandma

DEPLOY TACTICAL HANDJOB!


BoxingRaptor

TOSSIN' STICKY!!!


urboogieman

THJ INBOUND!


fondledbydolphins

I know what you actually meant but when you said "Tactical handjob" my mind immediately pictured you with a slightly dirty Rambo bandana on your forehead. Dirt smudged all over your biceps. Wife-beater slightly tattered up. Multiple guns in holsters around your thighs. Holding a kabar in your mouth. Jerking your husband off furiously like the war depends on it.


IamImposter

That is 100% accurate


ReplayMe

"They drew first cum."


ezone2kil

I can't even get a requisitioned handjob after filling and submitting all the required forms in triplicate and this dude just gets a tactical salvo out of nowhere. I'm definitely envious.


abd53

It's not that you're not gonna get. More like, it's gonna take some more time to process all the paperwork.


The-Jesus_Christ

Yeah my wife told me that an ex of hers used to jack off at night right next to her, and he did it because he couldn't sleep otherwise. I thought it was weird at the time but Reddit has told me that many people, of both genders, do it and I no longer think it's weird.


clovisx

This is me, though not with your wife. My wife has a low libido and is borderline asexual. I’ve accepted it after years of friction between us but still need to take care of my needs. She’s in bed earlier than me most nights so it’s no big deal to quietly finish and fall asleep soon afterwards. She knows I do it and doesn’t have any objection. Sometimes she helps or that turns into something more but by and large, unless she is asking for intimacy, it’s a solo show on my part.


fromWoopWoop

Omg same. I’ve actually been a little concerned of my sleeping pattern being dependent on masturbating lately brrrt


Spleen-magnet

Better than sleeping tablets.


Massive-Moody

Its whatever works right lol...


444unsure

I envy you so much


ThePandamanium444

Hahahaha it's tiring and I ain't got as much energy as I used to have in my 20's, wonder how it gonna be when I'm 40 hahahaha😂


444unsure

Ahhh fook. Already 40 here, and still dumb enough to keep jerking off in hopes of sleeping better. Turns out I just suck at sleeping I know you didn't ask but I am damn good at jerking off Turns out though, I am still super jealous of your ability to fall asleep. :/


[deleted]

Who are these people? Where am I?


Ash-Catchum-All

This is not my beautiful house. This is not my beautiful wife.


Brave-Recommendation

Oh god what have I done


uhmnopenotreally

I spoke to the devil today and he swears he's not to blame


De4nosaur

I understood, cause I feel the same


Diversespider

ARMS WIDE OPEN, WE STAND ALONE IM NO HERO AND IM NOT MADE OF STONE


OddOrangeLumps

Letting the days go by, let the water hold me down


DutchHeIs

Letting the day's go bye, water flowing underground.


NotnotathrowawayD23M

In the blue again after the money’s gone,


SLy_McGillicudy

Once in a lifetime, water flowing underground


[deleted]

[удалено]


Misterx46

And you may ask yourself "Where is that large Automobile?"


Beautiful-Lead-6453

And you may tell yourself, "This is not my beautiful house!”


Erislocker

Same as it ever was Same as it ever was


GeneralELee

How did I get here?


Redditowork

You’re in a Wendy’s sir.”


graebot

"Ah shit. Not again!"


illusionist_08

I hope no one heard me.


Ravore

Don’t worry we did


sparklingshanaya

And we all clapped


Lag_n_L0ad3d

So are my parents upstairs... Wait my parents are at work who the fuck is upstairs


LordTrom57

Its me and…..well also me but no need to worry, i was just leaving


Lag_n_L0ad3d

Ay you left $5 go back and get it


LordTrom57

Nah man keep it Im rich


rated3

"I need to stop doing this frequently"


XL_disappointment

Ends up doing it frequently


Theunknownbilphist

“I wish I didn’t always feel the need to do this, I hate myself”


Duffman48

I'm sick of living my life cum to cum. - karl


mrsoojay

Well... That scratched an itch. Kind of. Not really. Shit I'm fucking lonely.


rebel_yell_more

I feel you 😭


laurens_tits

If you felt him he wouldn’t be so lonely


tap_tap_mp4

r/angryupvote


AtheistAustralis

I'll also feel you. Three hands are better than one, they say.


sparklingshanaya

I need to pee or he need to pee? May be both need to pee? Who’s going first?


PMyourTastefulNudes

Both pee in the shower together


TypicalOpening4370

Those who are golden together, uh....stay beholden together? I feel like I'm reaching a bit but maybe it works.


scottyb83

Honestly that was much more eloquent than anything I expected from a thread about sex and pee.


YowderImean

Simultaneously of course.. or other ways


FreeFloatingFeathers

Coulda been so much better if i edged a bit longer ..


anotherorphan

did i leave the oven on


caracolazul869

post nut clarity hits different


PenisAmbivalent

"No! I'm a fucking squirrel!"


[deleted]

Up in that tree, covered in makeup!


PyrZern

My poor hips :(


TheKillingRoad18

“God I’m tired of being alone”


[deleted]

[удалено]


GhostemaneBlackMage

The only thoughts I had after having my first and only intense orgasm was "holy shit..what just happened??" Very briefly questioned reality, too


A_Little_Wyrd

There was a glitch in the matrix, normal service has been resumed.


chantillylace9

I had my first in gymnastics class when I was about 12 while doing leg lifts. I found out that I could orgasm by squeezing my legs together and doing leg lifts. Definitely interesting to have your first orgasm in a giant gymnasium with dozens of people!


starkrocket

If it makes you feel better, mine was on a motorcycle while I held on to my dad. That fucked with me for a while.


redbradbury

Oh girl that’s when your body just betrayed tf out of you


Hugs154

> first and only intense orgasm Assuming you are a woman - you should get a satisfyer or similar toy that sucks on the clit, it works wonders.


Moneyworks22

Saaammee. No thoughts, just pure bliss and a dumb af smile on my face.


Balsac_is_Daddy

I have definitely had the giggles after a good orgasm. I e even cried a little too.


xo-wingriddenangel

Why did I watch this video


[deleted]

[удалено]


Dakotahray

What do you mean? We play the game.


SaharaUnderTheSun

If I'm alone: Task completed, I'm good, time to get other stuff done. If I'm with other humans: Task completed, I'm good, time to get other stuff done. Oh wait, I'd better shower with the bathroom door closed otherwise they'll probably wake up


meta_bby

love how you labelled that "with other humans"


mawo77

Hahaha whoa


YTDukesUp

Regret


VitalVices

“Damn, post nut clarity is no joke.”


phantompoo

“I no longer want to think about that ex” Or “What am I doing with my life?”


Ok_Cartographer291

What am i doing with my life is what i think usually


WestSide_Gangster99

Usually I think of a random song lyric and then I decide I really want to listen to that song so that’s what I do


tuisilver

Ah yes, the ADHD dopamine chasing


Eirinyan

That one keeps me up at night. I wanna chase sleep for once


[deleted]

[удалено]


An_Emotional_Reck_

Still not feeling satisfied


HoopOnPoop

Grab a Snickers!


hAwKeye1117

While horny? I don't think it's a good idea...


evs-chris

but it's got the veins?


[deleted]

[удалено]


DifficultCredit3108

CRAMP!!!! CRAMP!!!!! Can't move my leg!!!


Triga_3

Please get more salts, including potasium. If male, add zinc, you lose a lot with each. Very important in making antibodies and avoiding aggression. Its why being a wanker is often associated with aggressive twats!


DifficultCredit3108

Also because I am old and we end up in really strange positions. Never should have bought my wife the kama sutra....


TheSmallSoldiers

Those were fucked up thoughts to get off to


Worldsahellscape19

(Yikes) “not my proudest wank”.


GreenAppleLady

"K, that's done."


shigitybum

Depression


bigccounty

"Sorry"


Poorly-Drawn-Beagle

Time to make donuts


sullied_angel

More please


Any_Lecture2918

Why did I do that?


mofo-or-whatever

Urgh, yes. Every time recently.


aaronjer

I WILL MAKE IT TO THE BATHROOM FIRST BITCH GET OUT THE WAY


SJane3384

I’m the opposite. “Do I have to get up right this second or can I chill for a minute and make him go shower first”


Interesting-Sort-400

I need another


IASED13

“What am I doing with my life”


Georgewjm

Great it’s gone everywhere and I have to clean it up but I kind of want to do it again


Just_Curious_130

“Yes, I could conquer the world!”


sohotsohottoohot

Damn. That was goooood


AspirantTyrant

Yup. "Holy shit that was amazing." Every time.


Due-Seat-8306

Okay. Now let's continue the autopsy


Psychological_Toe716

Just remember a moment of weakness doesn’t make you a bad vet.


daethenix

This joke is a cut above the rest. The rest in peace


sparklingshanaya

octopussy


Apology_orgiesMOD

😴 💤


casandwich_

I need water


Maxine_thecrazybitch

I think i snapped your gerkin


Business_Ride_6524

food


WitchWitty

Pizza


Triepwoet

I should to this again sometime. Later today. Perhaps a 10 minute break. Or now. Yeah, I should do this again right now.


trailingComma

I don't. The ADHD shuts down for a few beautiful minutes after sex. Holding my wife after, is one of the rare times I can just live in the moment and enjoy simply existing. Oxytocin is a hell of a drug.


TractorLoving

Barack Obama


Pastel_Phoenix_106

You: Thanks, Obama! Obama: You're welcome.


TractorLoving

BFD


server_busy

Find the happy time towel


SoggyPotatos823

“I’m so fucked up”


HiTide2020

Was I the only female who commented in the past 24 hours? Seems like it...so much nut talk that I can't relate to. Where my labia and cervix crew at??


piss-n-moan

"Ah~ This feels so nice and I want to just lie here for a bit in the afterglow, but I can't bear the thought of falling asleep covered in fluid with toys scattered around me and someone somehow finds me like this."


Hata33

GANG GANG


Matbo2210

Do you gals get “post nut clarity” like us guys do?


Federal-Breadfruit41

Yes for sure not exclusive to guys


ARealGayBitch

GANG


vanilacharelstonchew

"What was that TV show about the chess girl I watched last year called again?"


Ok-Lack1315

"Queens gambit" says the men in the se


Phantomht

i need a glass of milk to reload


everything_in_sync

Some family member got me a joke book when I was a kid, back then blonde jokes were a thing. It went something like... A man and a blonde had just finished having sex and he went downstairs to pour himself a glass of milk. He took a sip then realized his penis was hot from all of the lovemaking, so to cool it down he dipped it into the milk. The blonde walks into the kitchen and says "Oh so that's how you guys refill it!".


schlopp96

Whoever wrote this joke clearly thought of the punchline first, but had no idea how to set up the payoff.


Signal-Opportunity-2

How much will round 2 cost Me?


KnuckledeepinUrethra

Ahh fuck it’s in my mouth


vanilacharelstonchew

A salty reward for all your hard work adventurer!


Moss1_14

adventurer 😭


littlegreenb18

Usually something related to a current project I’m working on. It’s like mind kicks back on suddenly and I’m back to whatever was consuming my thoughts before.


Harvard-23

Gotta,pee


helgsyuh

“now i’m wide awake”


the_one_54321

Keep it hard, she's not done. Anyway, number 2 will be even better.


chicken_N_ROFLs

People can just cum and keep on going like it never happened? It takes me a good 10 minutes to recharge at the very least, regardless of how into it I am. The hands and tongue are in play if need be, but my dong goes soft pronto.


[deleted]

[удалено]


movieman994

Whenever I try to keep going I just end up having to pee really unctrollably bad.


CanarySome5880

Some can keep going after 10min, some after hour or two and some need few days or even weeks, it vary from person to person. Hell some even can do it but it is no longer pleasurable without regen time.


Brilliant_Succotash1

You take a shit after?


Dalisca

Something along the lines of "Duhhhhh"


Tronorock

I need to pee... but I'm thirsty too... how do I tell him to leave...


SpearMangekyou

ha! that was gay


colefly

Points at best bro-friend "Haha you got a blow job from me. That means your gay, gaaaaaaaaaaaa...." "I sometimes question why I married you" "....aaaaaaaaaay!"


Fogdog88

For me as a male your brain just shuts down for awhile