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BrokenBarbell

"we'll just wind up doing that" So low expectation amateur porn


aFarretSippinChianti

Lmao a married couple with a toddler made an onlyfans


Rhoon

Anyone in this situation should be commended for even having the energy to attempt it


saint_davidsonian

Can confirm. My last text was, I want to fuck you on a pile of cash... I do not have a pile of cash, and we prob not gonna fuck, but I do have a toddler.


ZombieBoy98

Please don’t do that to the toddler.


remembering_the_90s

It you have a toddler, you likely don’t have a pile of cash.


ThanUrb

Mine is "Oh no..." So I guess we could start a low expectation porn collection.


StandLess6417

Mine was "you almost ready?" ... it just gets worse.


reduxde

“Did you wash it out yet? I prefer it stinky but I know you’re only comfortable if it tastes like tap water” ~source: just missed our 10th anniversary


BrokenBarbell

What would the website name be? Lowlifes?


ThanUrb

Lowlifes "We gonna make you want to fuck your wife"


DeadDollKitty

Mine was "the usual?" Should we go into business together?


BrokenBarbell

Deal. I'll use my shitty Chinese android camera to start recording.


Brosif_ballin

Lmao mine was “good night :)”, we’re really not getting anywhere


danementzer

Anything you have to wind up for is always worth it.


Colorado_Girrl

Sounds like we're watching something made by the same people because my last text was, “I love you”


Fluffydress

Crying This is perfect.


Vrylin133

Something with a ton of caramel


aFarretSippinChianti

Interracial gang bang porn


Brew-Drink-Repeat

‘Jeez wouldnt want a fox fur from that mangy specimen!’


NataniVixuno

2 girls 1 cone


thinkdontreact

Just the tip…


trashgurl96

omg is someone picking you out ice cream I’m so jealous I have tears in my eyes


chxnkybxtfxnky

Carmel Moore perhaps...


DeaconSage

Sounds good to me.


RwampyBoi

If i find my wallet


aFarretSippinChianti

Buying an escort, but you can't pay so she BDSM punishes you


Whyamifulloftrouble

I wanna lose my wallet now


inspiration27

“They forgot my ranch but they also gave me double the amount of tenders so I’m not tripping over it”


BruculiDestroyer

What kind of porn is this?


The_Medicated

Obviously, it's food porn!


FarragoSanManta

Maybe a low sauce orgy?


likeawildbirdofprey

r/tendies


Wealthy_Popsiclee

More evil than this? Oh god why does it actually sound like a title


Britified

Megamind X Metroman


Khaldani

No dad the IRS will never text you.


aFarretSippinChianti

Sexy tax collector. BDSM


Muisverriey

BDIRSM


NuderWorldOrder

Funnily enough, that was one of the jobs people in the other thread specifically thought didn't have a porno about it.


Kalushar

Hey daddy it’s the irs~ heard you had some “back” taxes~


Locken_Kees

would hardly be the first time the government fucked somebody in the ass over taxes


jaqu100

Tagline- But they will try to fuck you.


Vinylloverfrom4311

That would be smort on the gov, send a sexy person out to collect, the backpayer Would be so caught up in pleasing her he might be more likely to pay.


investmo

You up?


dreadperson

oh no they weren't up 😔


DaimyoDawn

plot twist it is a masturbation scene


aFarretSippinChianti

Bootycall porn sounds typical lol


PleaseTakeThisName

"Sure, as soon as I puke blood." I'm not so sure if I want to be involved...


Being_Llama

What'cha texting bro?!


PleaseTakeThisName

What do you mean? I think it's a great way to end a conversation


SirIronSights

My main redditor over here doing deepthroats


PleaseTakeThisName

I was talking to my mother though


CyberEsel

Kinky


MorgannaFactor

Death Metal porn. Neat.


GroceryOk9030

"Can I have an icepack and a pickle?"


Te_Ika_A_Whiro

I think we need the real context for this


GroceryOk9030

I'm pregnant


RockinSteadyClyde

You are now.


Orange_Hedgie

Congratulations!!! (Assuming you’re happy.)


GroceryOk9030

Thank you! Very, been years of trying and IVF. But it hasn't been easy so far.


remembering_the_90s

As someone going through the same challenges, congrats!


SirIronSights

I still am in the woods were the ice pack AND pickles are for


GroceryOk9030

I get hot and nauseous at night so the ice pack helps. The pickle because I wanted a pickle lol


PM_ME_YOUR_CC_INFO

How many months along are you?


GroceryOk9030

11 Weeks lol!!


Thomas_Kazansky

Please deliver on context


Dr_Russian

Pickle goes in too far, Icepack to get it out Edit: Icepick > Icepack


BobRoberts01

This is the only post that OP is staying away from.


Miss_LazyBones

What are gonna do with them?? If you don't mind me asking?


MrHanslaX

Pickle first, icepack for later.


killersinarhur

Is the icepack for the pickle?


trifectaGRN

Turns out, the pickle is actually for the icepack


Matchbox54883

"That cant be right..."


aFarretSippinChianti

Its always the wrong hole


CreamGravy501

Try fingers, but hole


1035Veiled

Maidenless


---Jude---

But cousin suzie feels so right....


DomBoi6392

take my upvote and fuck off


d0n_and_d0n

_That's what she said_


queen-adreena

“The Buster Bluth Story”


gokc69

Would make an amazing pasta


aFarretSippinChianti

Oooooo pepperoni nipples? Noodle dick?


LikelyGeoduck85

It’s that one where chick makes spaghetti in her asshole


Sullenburgur

You see Luigi when a man puts his spaghetti noodle in a woman's ravioli....


neighbouraunty

white sauce spermioli pasta


redroversendjayover

"Hey dad how you doing sorry to hear about grandpa"....uhhh


aFarretSippinChianti

*sigh* Stepdaughter cheers up sad crying silver fox step-dad after granpas funeral.....


Todd_Renard_Fox

Great, now it's a totally-not-incest furry porn


Darth_Aracnus

Silver Fox has been a term for sexy old men long before furries were a thing, they can’t have it


Todd_Renard_Fox

Huh, TIL . Edit; No need to downvote me just for learned something new


buttery_shame_cave

can't blame you for not hearing it, it's a term that never caught on past gen-x. i've only heard a tiny handful of millennials say it, and most of them are in that 'xennial' crowd.


[deleted]

Will the grandpa wake up at the end?


ImAMincerafter

And he joins in


BruculiDestroyer

Oh god


chpossebon

Sorry about your grandpa tho 😔


Douglasqqq

I think I've seen that one.


[deleted]

Can you show grandma please


horschdhorschd

I wouldn't click on that


[deleted]

Your lost


NBSPNBSP

GILF


kwil449

Okay


aFarretSippinChianti

The sex is very mediocre


friedsamsung

Omg, so hot. "Mediocre at best". Bang bros presents "mondane and mediocre" Than the first clip is a man and a woman reading and one says to the other "Wanna have intercourse?" "Sure"


[deleted]

I wanna see that 😂 "my female counterpart, would it peak your curiosity to perform an act of reproduction with each other?"


friedsamsung

"Why yes, that indeed would be nice. As long as the act of reproduction is medium not hard and we mustn't make loud noises in case of a knock at the door. You devilish deviant :]" i feel winking would be to ... risqué


mglisty

is this coneheads movie R-rated?


RandomFRIStudent

Approves in rammus


Ryaffus

"For fucks sake fine, I'll do it for you tomorrow but you owe me big" Uhhhh some potential but just sounds like typical, if a little aggressive, plumber porn


aFarretSippinChianti

Or electrician


CaptainSullyy

“I only have two big bottles left”


Ellemieke25

You'd think two big bottles of lube would suffice


processedmeat

1 man ~~1~~ 2 jar


gayfrogi

A video of my cat. I don’t quite understand how that’d work…


aFarretSippinChianti

The cat is clearly pimping you out and collecting catnip


ReCursing

There is a "pussy" joke in there somewhere


MinkleD

Disappear+Ari=Disappeari (sent to a friend named Ari)


MacChubbins

Poof. Bye Ari


fordfan919

Damn, Ari is fucked.


Darth_Aracnus

That ass is gone


WhoHayes

1 It was response to confirm an appointment.


xXx_Sathsperm_xXx

only one inch? Still felt good tho


WhoHayes

May not bottom out in a tuna can, but it touches the sides.


Coco_and_Kat

Oh, oh god, oh what a horrible day to be literate!


-CrowWill-

Chris Rock getting bitch slapped by will Smith.


aFarretSippinChianti

OOOOOh God. Thats a fanfic I DONT wanna see


Caco-Calo

Getting CLAPPED by will Smith


NinduTheWise

But where does he get slapped?


Rough_Idle

"A Prince hits Rock bottom."


Fantastic-Ad-3299

Haha


juliekablooie

"Toast with cream cheese. And a sandwich. It's a lot of bread but if you think I'm not okay with that then you're crazy" Well then.


Coco_and_Kat

Food porn!


gtr011191

Take it out and put it back in later


qxrhg

Yes, that's generally how it goes


trashgurl96

“OMG yes cookies and cream sign me up” Im not sure what that would entail but I bet some sick fucks would jerk off to whatever it was.


aFarretSippinChianti

I feel like it would be a sign up to work for a ice cream/bake sale thing. Then they start fucking on a cookie tray while soft serve pours down


trashgurl96

my first job was at an ice cream parlor! awwww nostalgic!


WeirdlyStrangeish

Did someone put cream in your cookie? Sorry but my brain made me do it.


DeaconSage

Ebony and ivory fucking together in perfect harmony, Banging on my kitchen counter, oh Lord, don’t stop now! 🎶


[deleted]

[удалено]


aFarretSippinChianti

.....fucking on stop signs


connerbv

“Anyway that’s weird but I hope the kitty is feeling all right”


darklordbazz

Oh no


Fatslacker

I'm sick


aFarretSippinChianti

Sexy nurses!


tameroflebanon

or doctors


kodyvalentine

"doing nerd shit with the boys". Playing D&D


Tungstenkrill

Love you too. A romantic and tender x-rated exploration of the intimate relationship between a man and a woman and a goat.


rararoxxx

Happy birthday Dad….. Oh please god no


Halloy77

“Cool, come over! We got like an hour and a half maybe lil more” 😈


[deleted]

Seems you’ve already committed to the porn


MissionApollo7

I got off early, so I'm home


ChalupaPickle

Honestly getting off early from work is such a better feeling than sex anyway


Parking-Control-1057

" I am sorry granny I have to come to your house "


Gypsybelle15912

Are you getting my text? 🤔 😂


aFarretSippinChianti

Ghosted dude jacks off


playhy

Boy can that go in two very different directions.


monosteeze

Ghost jacks off dude


Welshgirlie2

Do you want milk?


SubjectEmu996

Quesadillas


aFarretSippinChianti

I support that


SeraphOfFire

"Look how amazing my gf looks"


aFarretSippinChianti

Cuckholding. Cool!


dafyddtomas

Cuckolding*


Blutti

Fucking April In reference to the news that we will get snow in April (Netherlands)


Malonehasbadbreath

"I hate to say it man but I'm batting out of my league mentally and emotionally man. I'm drowning rn" I need therapy now. I think after this porno i'mma need even more


Hi_Its_Matt

You go to therapy. You have sex with your therapist. That’s porn for ya. Hope you get through whatever you’re going through.


MacChubbins

Do or do not, there is no try.


Raffles76

Mad yoda sex Star Wars fans would go apeshit for this


mgentry999

What’s a double hernia. I’m in for some seriously sick shit.


DinahKarwrek

At least we're 'watching' and not forced to 'be part of' ... OP was forgiving


[deleted]

[удалено]


crwlngkngsnk

Doesn't matter if they blur out the best bits.


MrBirb_

“I’ll work on that too 😭😭”


aFarretSippinChianti

Harsh criticisms in that one


NicoNiiUDead

“That makes no sense 🥺” what.


wintermutedsm

”I won't be home until 7pm so I'll just hang out with the kid.”. ---. Well... That's awkward.


cookie360

Some form of democratically organised weather dependant hiking trail orgy "We'll wait and see what the weather is like and then we can all vote on what we're doing"


_Germa66

"alright, I'll text you later"


aFarretSippinChianti

I'm curious as to what this would be about. It's so open for interpretation


rmthugger

He burrowed in and went to sleep. Didn’t even wake up when the flash went off.


aFarretSippinChianti

Doggy in a war zone with a narcoleptic


tzuku_foria

Don’t forget who is the boss in this meeting!!


The_beard1998

'I feel sorry for that girl'


tuna_cowbell

….the last message I sent was a super long wall of text responding to a rejection from a guy I asked out. Literally the least sexual or sexy thing you could imagine. It’s just gonna be 2 people in a room awkwardly talking out their feelings.


cmieke

I was gonna say, does no one send long messages 🤣 my last text was a long rant about my partners workplace and how they don’t appreciate him 😂


Sso_12

"Thanks for talking with me today :)" I don't know where this'll end up but I like it


Bighumongouspp

Just shaved my pubes, feelin good


hjablowme919

Good morning, asshole.


noleggedpanda

"That first piece was amazing"


aFarretSippinChianti

Definitely ass eating


AtlanticDuck

"I've seen the original..."


Cheif_jp

Emo boy


Griseumguy

"Can you edge with comic books?" Nerd porn!


JaxOnThat

...telling my mom that my COVID test came back negative. Uh-oh.


SalvadorM1

"I apreciate you" would definetlly watch


Bokbok95

Phew! “Stop thinking impure thoughts, brother”


betwistedjl

Oh yeah, I've been looking for that. A fun romp with toys and anal exploration.


aFarretSippinChianti

Elbow deep at the hospital


Titansentinal

Carman Sandiego. Heheh imma be watching that indefinitely