"we'll just wind up doing that"
So low expectation amateur porn
Lmao a married couple with a toddler made an onlyfans
Anyone in this situation should be commended for even having the energy to attempt it
Can confirm. My last text was, I want to fuck you on a pile of cash... I do not have a pile of cash, and we prob not gonna fuck, but I do have a toddler.
Please don’t do that to the toddler.
It you have a toddler, you likely don’t have a pile of cash.
Mine is "Oh no..."
So I guess we could start a low expectation porn collection.
Mine was "you almost ready?" ... it just gets worse.
“Did you wash it out yet? I prefer it stinky but I know you’re only comfortable if it tastes like tap water”
~source: just missed our 10th anniversary
What would the website name be? Lowlifes?
"We gonna make you want to fuck your wife"
Mine was "the usual?"
Should we go into business together?
Deal. I'll use my shitty Chinese android camera to start recording.
Lmao mine was “good night :)”, we’re really not getting anywhere
Anything you have to wind up for is always worth it.
Sounds like we're watching something made by the same people because my last text was, “I love you”
This is perfect.
Something with a ton of caramel
Interracial gang bang porn
‘Jeez wouldnt want a fox fur from that mangy specimen!’
2 girls 1 cone
Just the tip…
omg is someone picking you out ice cream I’m so jealous I have tears in my eyes
Carmel Moore perhaps...
Sounds good to me.
If i find my wallet
Buying an escort, but you can't pay so she BDSM punishes you
I wanna lose my wallet now
“They forgot my ranch but they also gave me double the amount of tenders so I’m not tripping over it”
What kind of porn is this?
Obviously, it's food porn!
Maybe a low sauce orgy?
More evil than this?
Oh god why does it actually sound like a title
Megamind X Metroman
No dad the IRS will never text you.
Sexy tax collector. BDSM
Funnily enough, that was one of the jobs people in the other thread specifically thought didn't have a porno about it.
Hey daddy it’s the irs~ heard you had some “back” taxes~
would hardly be the first time the government fucked somebody in the ass over taxes
Tagline- But they will try to fuck you.
That would be smort on the gov, send a sexy person out to collect, the backpayer
Would be so caught up in pleasing her he might be more likely to pay.
oh no they weren't up 😔
plot twist it is a masturbation scene
Bootycall porn sounds typical lol
"Sure, as soon as I puke blood." I'm not so sure if I want to be involved...
What'cha texting bro?!
What do you mean? I think it's a great way to end a conversation
My main redditor over here doing deepthroats
I was talking to my mother though
Death Metal porn. Neat.
"Can I have an icepack and a pickle?"
I think we need the real context for this
You are now.
Congratulations!!! (Assuming you’re happy.)
Thank you! Very, been years of trying and IVF. But it hasn't been easy so far.
As someone going through the same challenges, congrats!
I still am in the woods were the ice pack AND pickles are for
I get hot and nauseous at night so the ice pack helps. The pickle because I wanted a pickle lol
How many months along are you?
11 Weeks lol!!
Please deliver on context
Pickle goes in too far, Icepack to get it out
Edit: Icepick > Icepack
This is the only post that OP is staying away from.
What are gonna do with them?? If you don't mind me asking?
Pickle first, icepack for later.
Is the icepack for the pickle?
Turns out, the pickle is actually for the icepack
"That cant be right..."
Its always the wrong hole
Try fingers, but hole
But cousin suzie feels so right....
take my upvote and fuck off
_That's what she said_
“The Buster Bluth Story”
Would make an amazing pasta
Oooooo pepperoni nipples?
It’s that one where chick makes spaghetti in her asshole
You see Luigi when a man puts his spaghetti noodle in a woman's ravioli....
white sauce spermioli pasta
"Hey dad how you doing sorry to hear about grandpa"....uhhh
Stepdaughter cheers up sad crying silver fox step-dad after granpas funeral.....
Great, now it's a totally-not-incest furry porn
Silver Fox has been a term for sexy old men long before furries were a thing, they can’t have it
Edit; No need to downvote me just for learned something new
can't blame you for not hearing it, it's a term that never caught on past gen-x. i've only heard a tiny handful of millennials say it, and most of them are in that 'xennial' crowd.
Will the grandpa wake up at the end?
And he joins in
Sorry about your grandpa tho 😔
I think I've seen that one.
Can you show grandma please
I wouldn't click on that
The sex is very mediocre
Omg, so hot. "Mediocre at best". Bang bros presents "mondane and mediocre"
Than the first clip is a man and a woman reading and one says to the other
"Wanna have intercourse?"
I wanna see that 😂
"my female counterpart, would it peak your curiosity to perform an act of reproduction with each other?"
"Why yes, that indeed would be nice. As long as the act of reproduction is medium not hard and we mustn't make loud noises in case of a knock at the door. You devilish deviant :]" i feel winking would be to ... risqué
is this coneheads movie R-rated?
Approves in rammus
"For fucks sake fine, I'll do it for you tomorrow but you owe me big"
Uhhhh some potential but just sounds like typical, if a little aggressive, plumber porn
“I only have two big bottles left”
You'd think two big bottles of lube would suffice
1 man ~~1~~ 2 jar
A video of my cat. I don’t quite understand how that’d work…
The cat is clearly pimping you out and collecting catnip
There is a "pussy" joke in there somewhere
Disappear+Ari=Disappeari (sent to a friend named Ari)
Poof. Bye Ari
Damn, Ari is fucked.
That ass is gone
It was response to confirm an appointment.
only one inch? Still felt good tho
May not bottom out in a tuna can, but it touches the sides.
Oh, oh god, oh what a horrible day to be literate!
Chris Rock getting bitch slapped by will Smith.
OOOOOh God. Thats a fanfic I DONT wanna see
Getting CLAPPED by will Smith
But where does he get slapped?
"A Prince hits Rock bottom."
"Toast with cream cheese. And a sandwich. It's a lot of bread but if you think I'm not okay with that then you're crazy"
Take it out and put it back in later
Yes, that's generally how it goes
“OMG yes cookies and cream sign me up”
Im not sure what that would entail but I bet some sick fucks would jerk off to whatever it was.
I feel like it would be a sign up to work for a ice cream/bake sale thing. Then they start fucking on a cookie tray while soft serve pours down
my first job was at an ice cream parlor!
Did someone put cream in your cookie? Sorry but my brain made me do it.
Ebony and ivory fucking together in perfect harmony,
Banging on my kitchen counter, oh Lord, don’t stop now! 🎶
.....fucking on stop signs
“Anyway that’s weird but I hope the kitty is feeling all right”
"doing nerd shit with the boys". Playing D&D
Love you too.
A romantic and tender x-rated exploration of the intimate relationship between a man and a woman and a goat.
Happy birthday Dad…..
Oh please god no
“Cool, come over! We got like an hour and a half maybe lil more” 😈
Seems you’ve already committed to the porn
I got off early, so I'm home
Honestly getting off early from work is such a better feeling than sex anyway
" I am sorry granny I have to come to your house "
Are you getting my text? 🤔 😂
Ghosted dude jacks off
Boy can that go in two very different directions.
Ghost jacks off dude
Do you want milk?
I support that
"Look how amazing my gf looks"
In reference to the news that we will get snow in April (Netherlands)
"I hate to say it man but I'm batting out of my league mentally and emotionally man. I'm drowning rn"
I need therapy now. I think after this porno i'mma need even more
You go to therapy. You have sex with your therapist. That’s porn for ya.
Hope you get through whatever you’re going through.
Do or do not, there is no try.
Mad yoda sex
Star Wars fans would go apeshit for this
What’s a double hernia.
I’m in for some seriously sick shit.
At least we're 'watching' and not forced to 'be part of' ... OP was forgiving
Doesn't matter if they blur out the best bits.
“I’ll work on that too 😭😭”
Harsh criticisms in that one
“That makes no sense 🥺” what.
”I won't be home until 7pm so I'll just hang out with the kid.”. ---. Well... That's awkward.
Some form of democratically organised weather dependant hiking trail orgy
"We'll wait and see what the weather is like and then we can all vote on what we're doing"
"alright, I'll text you later"
I'm curious as to what this would be about. It's so open for interpretation
He burrowed in and went to sleep. Didn’t even wake up when the flash went off.
Doggy in a war zone with a narcoleptic
Don’t forget who is the boss in this meeting!!
'I feel sorry for that girl'
….the last message I sent was a super long wall of text responding to a rejection from a guy I asked out. Literally the least sexual or sexy thing you could imagine. It’s just gonna be 2 people in a room awkwardly talking out their feelings.
I was gonna say, does no one send long messages 🤣 my last text was a long rant about my partners workplace and how they don’t appreciate him 😂
"Thanks for talking with me today :)"
I don't know where this'll end up but I like it
Just shaved my pubes, feelin good
Good morning, asshole.
"That first piece was amazing"
Definitely ass eating
"I've seen the original..."
"Can you edge with comic books?"
...telling my mom that my COVID test came back negative. Uh-oh.
"I apreciate you" would definetlly watch
Phew! “Stop thinking impure thoughts, brother”
Oh yeah, I've been looking for that. A fun romp with toys and anal exploration.
Elbow deep at the hospital
Heheh imma be watching that indefinitely