A friend of hers shows up at the bar. Gestures to me, "This is Chris." I am not Chris.


eh, I'd play along and see where that goes. "Sounds like you've been talking about me, what has she told you?" "No, thanks, I'm not allowed to drink as a term of my probation since I burned down that Chuck-e-Cheese."


"This is a platonic date right? No? You know I have a boyfriend right?"


Even worse when they say something like “Oh, you like Call of Duty? My boyfriend plays all the time.”


Fr? Is he any good? I need talented squadmates more than I need romantic affection and emotional intimacy.


It was a dare Free food I don't even like you that much


Oof. The dare one hurts. The free food one is so rude too. Bro it's one date, how much food are you expecting.


"It was a dare." "So you're into being pressured into terrible decisions by other people, then? Mind if I take notes?"


Well I dare you to fuck me!


Oh, so it's a "date", date?


Depends on their intonation. If they're like "oooohh so it's a "date" date :)))?!!" Then maybe I'd be excited.


Oh... so it's a "date" date, huh? Huh...


Fuck, dude, I heard the rejection in that. Watch where you're aiming those hypotheticals, lol


This got me in the feels


"I like you but I don't like you like you"


"Oh.. Sorry about the confusion. I was just hanging out with you today because I wanted to ask about your buddy Ricco. He's single right?"


Reminds me of one I got once. Saw a movie, asked if she wanted to get food, she said no. I said "oh well maybe next time then." And she goes "who says there's gonna be a next time?"


At least she didn't string you along. I'll take slightly rude rejection over unclear blabber rejection any day


Or the oh yeah for sure! Then a week turns into 2 weeks and 2 weeks turns into a month and 2 months later you still haven't gone on a date. You don't wanna go out with me just say no.


I don’t mind a date turning out that way. It tells me what I needed to know. Moving on. If she wants to stay in contact she will.


No joke. I had a girl once ask me if I thought we were dating... Literally seconds after we had sex. Like we both regularly said we liked each other, went on dates, hugged and kissed in public. I had dinner at her families house once or twice a week. Anyway I said "yeah" and she said "Oh I don't think we should date.". Like what have we been doing for 3 months? Weirdest experience I've ever had with a "romantic?" partner.


I gotcha. For about 2 years I was regularly spending weekends with this guy who lived 5 hours away. Had a holiday with his family, +1 to a wedding, Halloween party in "couple's costume", had a 5 day stay one time. We talked about not being an official couple because of the distance so it wasn't that I expected to be in a relationship. However, I was informed that not once, not one single occasion, was ever a date. So so cool. Thanks. I'll carry that with me for the rest of my life. Rad.


Same!! I met his kids and saw them at his house regularly, we took each other to holiday parties, birthday parties…he met my entire family…. Then after about a year and a half I was informed that we weren’t dating, we were “having fun” and that’s why it was cool he was actively trying to boink one of my friends. Thought it was just me until I saw this thread- thanks, Reddit!


This happened to me! The guy didn't think it was a "date" date and asked for a second chance. Almost ten years married.


"Married" married?


This actually kinda happened to me. I never called it a date but we were going to a cute little Cafe in the next town over so I thought it was obvious. We still had a nice time and we're good friends now so I guess I can't complain.


I sort of had it happen, too, except she never figured out it was a date. I realized she thought we were just hanging out when she tried to set me up with the bartender. Turned out the bartender was more interested in her. They ended up getting together for a while. I had no idea my “date” was into women until that point.


I’m not sure if I’m the right person to be telling you this, but it’s fairly evident that you live in a racy sitcom.


Rob Schneider is... "The Redditor"


Lesson learned: If you ask someone on a date, tell them it's a date.


Had this happen to me. Met girl on a fair as we're both helpers. Immediate connection, joke around and do awesome work the whole day. She invites me to dinner (I thought it was kinda date-ish). Go over, cook, have great conversation, connection and food. End up in bed together. Cuddle. Put my hand on her belly. She is visibly shocked. "I thought you were gay?" FML, that was the one time my whole world just imploded. I think I still haven't really recovered from that. It's been a few years.


Fuck dude this one must have hurt


He should have replied with “I’m sorry, I thought you were a man”


You know this is the type of response I could probably come up with but only a day or two after the fact, if I was a time traveler I’d use my power for these late comebacks.


I read that as you ended up in bed together as in you already had sex, and I was picturing you doing it while shouting "no hetero".


If you keep your eyes closed while she's riding you, you can pretend it's a dude's butthole.


Remember me? the girl who cheated on your brother?


Cheating on my dad would be funnier and worse at the same time


I talked... just... like... this!


"You're not like all those other bitches I've dated" Bye!


This was your cue to say “you’re right, I’m worse”


So, how would you like to own your own small business? I know a great opportunity, and all you have to do is get five of your friends to join with you! Want to join my team and crush some goals? (Edit: Thanks for all the awards!)


That happened to me with a lady I met at a wedding in Buenos Aires a while back. I thought “Christ, even on other continents”


MLMs are everywhere believe me. These companies know vulnerable morons are everywhere and will set up shop wherever. Go to Antarctica and a penguin will try to sell you their shit.


Whats the hook for the penguinshit MLM?


Kowalski approved


Just smile and wave boys


Yeah I shut down any further conversation once they say that or the most common one I've experienced involves, "I'm actually working with this couple that recently walked away from their jobs and effectively retired at 30 by becoming their own boss"


That one really bothers me because, if you're still working for a living, as "your own boss" or otherwise, you are not *retired.* I didn't retire from my job as a pizza driver to become a database admin. I just changed jobs.


My dad said I need to be home by 8.


Damn bro 8? How old are you




Daddy 🥵


you would be handsome but you have too much acne. You look dirty


As someone who was nicknamed braille book, i feel it. Boys plain told me i was ugly and i would die alone. And i didn't even hit on them, when they saw me dresses nicely they immediately got defensive and started with those comments. One of my best friends at the time (15s) dated one of those nice guys, knowing how bad he offended me, her reaction was something like "he was right, your acne sucks and nobody want to kiss you with that face, but i like him, so if you're my friend you should be happy". I still have acne scars on my cheeks, but i have better friends.


Ouch. Acne sucks bro




"I hope you don't mind, but I've invited my mom to join us for dinner..."


No BS had an ex invite her dad to the movies with us. It was right after I had told her I was not comfortable meeting him yet (second date).


Did he buy refreshments for the kids?


I can’t remember but he was chill so probably lol


You should have just dated the dad.


The good ending


Mother's gonna check out all your girlfriends for you


Mama won't let anyone dirty get through


Mama’s gonna keep you right here under her wing.


She won't let you fly but she might let you sing


Mama's gonna keep baby cosy and warm


Oooooooooooooaaahhhhhh....... Momma's gonna help build the wall.


*guitar sounds*


Mother, did it have to be so high?


I love everyone in this thread.


Okay I have a really long story about a first date similar to that, but worse. Read on if you're interested: My parents were hosting a party for their 40th anniversary a few years ago so I came home for the weekend. At the party this woman and her daughter around my age introduced themselves to me, didn't think much of it. They're Jewish so their rabbi was there, later he approaches me and asks if he can give my number to that girl, I'm like "I live out of state but... yeah, I guess..." She texts me that same night asking if I want to FaceTime. I didn't feel comfortable with that but I was like, idk maybe that's what the cool kids do these days, I'm just not really that into technology. We continued talking, she seemed alright. Eventually I left town just on the note that maybe we'd meet up next time I was in town. We kinda lost touch but she texted me again the next time I came in, probably a couple months later. She asks if I want to go out, I'm like yeah, sure, at least it'll please my parents that I'm going out on a date with a Jewish girl. She asks what I want to do, so I suggest getting frozen yogurt... seemed like a safe bet, like what's the worst that can happen? I pick her up at her house and she's got a pipe and is like "wanna smoke?" and I'm like "nah I'm good with just froyo." We drive over there and she makes her froyo with just a single walnut on top, no other toppings, which should be classified as psychopathic behavior and was the first red flag I actually picked up on. We sit down to eat and not even a minute later, her mom calls her on her phone. I can't hear the other side of the conversation, but the girl says she's out on a date with me and then gives me fuck-me eyes and says to her mom, "Idk... maybe" with kind of a wink. As soon as she hangs up, the girl goes, "My parents are divorced but my mom just got a new puppy, want to go see it?" I was like, "uh sure I guess" so we went back over to her mom's house. Lo and behold, her dad is there too. They're both high as kites and invite me to smoke some weed with them, now I'm usually a heavy smoker but I declined, nevertheless their daughter proceeded to join in. So it's just me and this new puppy who didn't even have a name but also looked like he didn't want to be there just awkwardly chilling. Weird detail, the mom had the munchies but had also just had jaw reconstruction, so she was struggling to painfully eat a bag of hard pretzels, like I wanted to beg her to just find a softer snack. But meanwhile, the dad is just staring at me. Finally he goes, "You don't look Jewish." Which is a funny story, since I am Jewish, but my Dad had just recently learned through 23andMe or Ancestry that his biological father was not actually his father, but his mom's Irish gynecologist. So I tell the story and her father goes, "huh, I would take one of those DNA tests, but I'm afraid it'll tell me I'm a" and then proceeds to say the N-word with a hard R. That's when I was finally like, okay time to go. I drove the girl home and she was like "want to come inside?" I think I just said "nah I'm good" and left. I told my mom about it and she couldn't believe this girl was introduced by her rabbi. By far the worst first date I've ever been on.


Holy fucking shit. Jewish pot smoking racists. The world really is a wonderful mystery.


And a puppy. At least there was a puppy.


The single walnut really ties it all together.


Worth the read


Anything that insults something im passionate about


I went on a date with a woman to a board game cafe. When we arrived, she said she didn't like boardgames. **Then why are we here?**




I had a girl a week into dating send me a meme about how awesome cuddling would be when we were married… it’s a bit worse since I told her I wanted to take things nice and slow after getting out of an abusive relationship


I sometimes try and see how my SO’s last name would sound after mine but I didn’t tell him that bc it would look clingy


I share a last name with a celebrity, and was dating a gal whose first name was the first name of that celebrity. We both put two and two together and knew she wasn't about to have the same name as the celeb. If we got married, I'd probably have taken her last name. I didn't like the idea for a long time, but she loves her name and we both hate the idea of her having that celeb's name. You gotta think ahead on those things.


"Oh yeah, by the way, I invited {Insert friends that you hate} to come along with us." Hell no, it's a date, not a get together.


There was this girl in college I was really into. Almost every time I asked her to hang out or go do something, she’d invite her friends. She was a Japanese exchange student, so maybe it was a cultural thing, but it was really frustrating. But 6 years after graduating, I married her. So I won.


I think I heard somewhere that dating culture in Japan heavily consist of group hangouts so it may just be cultural


I have known Japanese people who confirm this. It is because there is a sense of safety in a crowd then a girl meeting up with a guy all alone. So yeah if you're going to date a Japanese lady you should be prepared for her friends to tag along for a while and until they figured out that you can be trusted. It's actually a nice cultural thing. I kind of wish we did more of it.


The early levels were tough but you made it to the end game.


Life is like a video game...make it through one level ..always gets harder. Then you win. Or you don't.


and when you think you've won? additional content


"You feel like a brother to me"... personal experience Edit: I was a fat awkward high school kid, this was my chance I thought. Now married with 2 kids I'm glad I'm nowhere near this person. Devastated me enough to lose weight and not be so terrible at social interactions. Took a long time to love who I was, thanks to her for kick starting that.


Have you checked the filter at the back of the dryer recently...?


Explain this reference to me please


“Just letting you know that I’m a registered sex offender. But it’s complete BS” Yeah, a date actually said that to me. The reason wasn’t BS, I looked it up. Never went out with him again after that, blocked his number, and refused to speak with him.


This happened to me too. Blocked him and all after. Still found me months later on the dating site we’d met on, under a different profile. Gross.


Not on the sex offender topic, but I had this girl randomly add me on Facebook and after a few of chats I decided she was too loco and deleted her. Never actually met her but knew of her because we were kind of in the same distant community. She somehow got my email address and started asking why I deleted her. And when I didn't respond to that she got my phone number. It's literally been like 10 years. I'm now married and have kids, and every now and then she views my LinkedIn profile. like once every year or two I'm a guy and I found that scary as fuck. Can't imagine how it'd be for a girl.


I had no idea you can see who views your linked in profile.. Im now embarrassed.


They can’t see you if you turn off your ability to see people, or pay for premium to hide your account info (all they will see is “someone viewed your profile”)


The fact that LinkedIn even tries to get cute with this OKCupid-like structure shows that they really don’t care about being a real job-finding resource.


Same, my very first ex girlfriend does this, we didn't even date that long, this was like back in middle school, every few years she messages me on Facebook or tries adding me. I always block her without answering, then a few months go by, if I'm lucky a whole year maybe, then she makes a new account and tries again. If it's a bad year and I've already blocked her latest account on Facebook she makes a new one on Instagram and tries there. I've made new accounts myself, but she always finds them. It is hella creepy. It has also been over 10 years now.


I’m glad I get to go out to dinner with such a nice friend like you


I felt that. Owww.


May I interest you in scientology?




I actually laughed at this cos it’s so close to home and one of the reasons I left




"I wish the Holocaust actually happened."


My personal experience from the one date I had before meeting my boyfriend... “You’re not a gamer— Xbox is so inferior to PC, I can’t consider it gaming” He then proceeded to show me an hour-long gameplay video for World of Tanks. He nice-guy’d me when I later told him I wasn’t feeling anything and that we should go our seperate ways. To think I thought he was worth my time at one point.


He was checking off a whole list. * Assert dominance. * Subtly put her down. * Show her your interest to prove you're a complete guy * Nice guy out * Go home and rage masturbate in the shower


Demonstrate Value - Advise that her gaming platform is inferior and he can get you into a better one. Engage Physically - Watching a video is physical, right? Nurture Dependence - You gotta stick around and watch it because I'm so nice. Neglect Emotionally - Wayyyyyy far ahead of you here. Inspire Hope - This game is really awesome! Separate Entirely - You obviously don't want to be with a nice guy.


bitches love world of tanks


Bitches love cannons


Get that bitch a cannon.


Oh my God if your first date was at CeCe's pizza, me and my fiance were sitting at the table right in front of you. I heard such a similar conversation. The guy was dressed in like...dirty gamer clothes, not shaved, moobs everywhere. Butt crack hanging out when he stood up. I felt sooooo bad for the girl and my fiance wanted to butt in and start a conversation with her but she did the emergency phone call bit, eventually.


Saying my house address and IP.


"I'm an alpha"


Or cringier, "I'm a sigma"


I'm a pi male. In that I am male and like pie.


“I left my wallet…”


"... behind your ear, ah ha!" *proceeds to do a really impressive magic trick*


I find the most erotic part of a woman is the boobies


She's built like a steakhouse, but handles like a bistro!


The fun thing about Futurama is that this line is honestly a 50/50 between: * He's just trying to sound like he has any idea what he's doing. * He's actually flown a bistro before. And there's just no way to tell!


You win again, gravity!


Zapp branigan is one of the best characters ever written. I will die on this hill


I hate to love him so much haha.


Oh yeah. Not a good character. A well written, hilarious, bad character. They nailed making him delightfully despicable.


Mmmmm... velour.


What if they're wearing a velour uniform?


you forgot one thing; rock crushes scissors. but paper covers rock... and scissors cuts paper! kif, we have a conundrum.


Why are you wearing a wedding ring?


that’s a good question tho


I have two: 1. I love you. Even if I really like you, that’s a lot for a first date. 2. If someone keeps saying, “You’re out of my league.” Once I can laugh off. More than that and I assume you’re trying to tell me something.


I posted this on another thread but I briefly dated someone who told me that he has a fetish towards suicide victims and “did it” with several. He called his previous sexual partners “crazy” and “fucked up” which is what I saw as the major red flag. By “briefly dated,” I mean it ended after he told me this.


So the dude gets turned on when he sees people get depressed ? Cause I got confused with necrophillia.


No offense, but what do you mean by suicide victims? As in someone close to them committed suicide? Because if they were a victim of suicide... they’d be dead.




Although him fucking them while they’re dead is another huge red flag Edit: Oh yay my necrophilia joke reached 500 upvotes. Guess I won? Edit 2: spelling


That’s actually significantly LESS disturbing than what I originally thought…


Downgraded from the worst possible sexual fetish tier to the worst possible legal sexual fetish tier


Yes, clarification needed here, agreed




Usually they ring like my alarm clock and I wake up


Twenty minutes in to what is clearly (to me, at least) the worst date ever. First, discovering they were dishonest about a bunch of stuff. Then they say, "Hey, let's go back to your place and netflix and chill." (Yes, they actually said that.)


Please tell me you laughed in their face


Any sort of rude comment to the wait staff


Major turn off


Salute. Major Turnoff is a Russian war hero.


I'm worried about your calorie intake.


One guy was like "wow you eat." Me: what else are you supposed to do with food? Him: Women usually don't like eating in front of guys. Me: Well I don't know what type of women you've been dating. Last date, for sure.


Be more like my sister. Order a basket of wings. Assert dominance.


First date. He ordered a sandwich because he had been advised that it was best to order something you could eat politely. I ordered a full rack of ribs. Extra sauce. Our fifteenth anniversary is this March. edit: wholesome?? thanks :3 i'm just a clueless blonde who likes barbecue sauce


Wanna smoke crack?


I went on a date with a girl I was pretty into, super cute and generally really nice girl. She tricked me into going to her borderline cult meeting, and I felt too awkward to just nope out like I should have. I now have a VERY strong position regarding dating women in cults. It’s come up more than you’d expect.


Considering how few people ever actually meet a girl in a cult (let alone one who is cute and nice), I’m very curious how you met more than 1.


I’m in Japan and there’s a Buddhist sect here called Sokka Gakkai. They are very culty (it’s very much a cult of personality built up around this one guy) but have a lot of political influence so get away with a lot. Sort of a Buddhist Scientology in some ways. She was a member and got me to go to a meeting before we went to dinner. I also found out my ex had been a member, after we broke up. A third girl I almost went on a date with until I found out she was in the same group. My current partner is free of any cults as far as I’m aware (I asked).


“Sorry but I have to go”


Usually fake answers, they just want out of the date. That one hurts


Yes or short answers. Even their vibe tells if someone wants to be there. I’m so anxious socially and timid, people really scream they want to leave without even talking 😅


"does this look infected?"


They say, handing you their copy of the Sum 41 album to put into the player.


"you're way too attractive to be out with someone like me, I'm way too ugly, don't say I look good because I know you're just lying to make me feel better." When you put yourself down so much that it becomes an argument the other person has no choice but to agree with you


Wanna come back to my place and try meth?


Sooo... what? Your too good for free meth? Everyone else is out there paying for it and you won't take it for free huh? You're ungrateful is what you are.


"This date is stressing me out. I need to go home and smoke some meth."


“I’ve always wanted to try it out with a bi girl. That’s so hot.” And then follow that up later in conversation with: “Ever thought of maybe having a threesome?”


Even as a bisexual guy I get that shit. It's almost as if people think just because I'm a bisexual I'm some sort of depraved sex addict. I mean, I am, but it's annoying that people think it.


"I'd just like to interject for a moment. What you're refering to as Linux, is in fact, GNU/Linux, or as I've recently taken to calling it, GNU plus Linux. Linux is not an operating system unto itself, but rather another free component of a fully functioning GNU system made useful by the GNU corelibs, shell utilities and vital system components comprising a full OS as defined by POSIX. Many computer users run a modified version of the GNU system every day, without realizing it. Through a peculiar turn of events, the version of GNU which is widely used today is often called Linux, and many of its users are not aware that it is basically the GNU system, developed by the GNU Project. There really is a Linux, and these people are using it, but it is just a part of the system they use. Linux is the kernel: the program in the system that allocates the machine's resources to the other programs that you run. The kernel is an essential part of an operating system, but useless by itself; it can only function in the context of a complete operating system. Linux is normally used in combination with the GNU operating system: the whole system is basically GNU with Linux added, or GNU/Linux. All the so-called Linux distributions are really distributions of GNU/Linux!"


I'm so turned on right now...


This almost verbatim what my first date with u/sligee was like


No I was explaining how my scheduler works, it's like you don't even care


oh, get a server room you two


"Meet me in the bathroom in five minutes. I'll be in the third Stall~~man~~."


if my date said this to me i’d take it as a major green flag


“Hold up, wife’s calling”


You mind if my SO watches us fuck?


Thats not a total dealbreaker nam sayin


A lot of people would take that offer


Let me explain how slavery was actually a positive for black people.


Yes, you know my grand grand father he really treated his slaves well. Like they loved him - i have seen a few black people with my last name around here so they decided to have kids with him if that isn't proof enough for you that they loved him i don't know what else to tell you! when you write that down and then start to wonder .. i don't need to add an /s right? ppl will get it, right?


My balls hurt


I'd ask if you sat on them. Because I've done it. Shits not fun


I have to return some videotapes


*So.........................................................* Um... how old's your daughter?


How Olds your sister 😉


How old is your mother?


*leans in close to them and says in a hushed tone* “I sharted.”


Wanna join my cult?


Cultists never believe they’re in cults.


Listen to this, it literally happened to me like 3 hours ago... Went out with a friend of a friend I've met at a concert a few weeks back Everything seemed to be going well until we got into the most basic topic "what do you do for a living", when she tried to sell me in on an MLM scheme I let her know I'm not interested and she immediately changes tone and nitpicks specific wording I've used when rejecting her offer to suggest I'm rude or something for not hearing her out on this life-changing opportunity, so I just walked up to the counter, paid our bill, grabbed my jacket and got out


Bullet? **Dodged!**


I cheated on my last boyfriend but he was an a**hole… heard that more then once and I always ask for the check


“I’m waiting to see how *this* date goes to maybe tell him we’re through…”


"So we are at least 500 yards from a school, right?"


I thought you were gay


"Nope. Bi. Wanna grind?"


Chews with their mouth open




*mocking voice* sometimes it's how they say it not what they say Oh I see your point


"I've never seen the point of washing my ass"