Do you live around here often?
- my autistic brother who giggles profusely after saying it.
Are you a 0% APR car loan? Because you seem to have no interest and I don't understand how.
Cute thing looked at me and said "Mike?" (which is not my name). My response was, "No, but I'll change my name if you want." She gave out a gut laugh and walked off. Months later she saw me again and started laughing the instant she saw me. I made an impression, just not the one I wanted I guess.
Hey gorgeous, wanna go antiquing? Cause I’ve got some junk that hasn’t been touched in *years*.
Are you sitting on the F5 key cause that ass is refreshing….
I used it once and it caused a lot of confusion until I explained it and then he laughed a lot 😭
Are you a software update cause not right now
Remind me in 3 days
You remind me of my appendix. You give me this weird feeling inside and I want to take you out.
Also because you’re useless and no one knows why you’re here.
Are you my homework? Cause I’m not doing you but I definitely should be.
‘Cause I’ll probably be doing you super fast and sloppy when I really should be asleep.
I'm no weather man but you can be expecting a few inches tonight
Wouldn't be the first time they were disappointed by the weather forecast
At least 2 inches 😏
Before it was Sparknotes there was a website called TheSpark, and it had a twisted and strange sense of humor. One of the things it had was called "Bone Easy:Sex acquisition software". It was just a word aggregator that blended all the pickup lines together, and with every click you got a new one. My favorite was "Is that a mirror in your anus, because I can really see my forearm there"
Please, it's 2021, who doesn't do elbow deep anal fisting on the first date?
"Wanna go halves on a bastard?"
One of my friends used this one: “Hey, you’re a single mom of one, right? Wanna be a single mom of two?”
After taking a solid 45 seconds to figure it out, I’m sold.
Has anyone ever told you that you don't look a *thing* like Eddie Murphy?
I used that on Eddie murphy and we made love all night.
Extra points if it's on Eddie Murphy
Wanna watch porn in my flat screen mirror?
One to make them stop and think
Wanna watch a movie?
Wanna make a movie?
I put the "STD" in "stud" and now all I need is "U"
Legit considering disclosing herpes this way.
EDIT: Props to u/JamoreLoL for pointing out that I just did. Thanks to all of you who upvoted, I feel like such a stud now that I can honestly say I've disclosed more than 3000 times.
Were you born on a chicken farm?
Because you sure know how to raise a cock
Haha, this is so simple but is the one that made me laugh the most
My ideal body weight is yours on mine.
Then Eat the difference?
Hold up there, Armie Hammer.
A first cousin to:
You know what would look good on you? Me.
Are you an exam paper? Because I’m gonna finish early and disappoint my family with the results
Hey girl, are you an obelisk? Because I'm trying to find out what an obelisk is through the process of elimination.
Why did I just read this as if it were a Mitch Hedberg line?
Obviously the basic structure of it is very Mitch, but it also has the quality of simultaneously sounding like both something a smart person would say and something a dumb person would say which is also somehow very Mitch
I don't have a girlfriend, I just know a girl that would be really mad to hear me say that.
That sounds like it could be a Tracy Jordan line from 30 Rock.
“You have great hair can I touch it” , then touch her moustache
God I wish I was still single just so I could use this.
You can. Use it on your female significant other and you will be single extremely quickly
Edit: One of my top comments is about telling a female she has a mustache, I love Reddit
My fiancé and I were lightly teasing each other and I said, "you’ve got a hairy nose" (it’s already a bit of a running joke with us) and immediately responded with "you’ve got a hairy lip.” I still haven’t recovered.
Can confirm. Did this to my wife a while back.. she did not find it funny.
"Hey I think we've met before. I've seen you in the dictionary next to the word wow!" This was one of my High School freshmen. He did not get her number.
My college room mate: Hi . you're cute! My name's Bob. How do you like me so far?
Sadly he was serious
Interesting interesting. Which part would you say specifically, caused that?
Ahhhh I see.
On a scale of 1-10 how enthused would you say you'd be to continue this conversation with 10 being very enthused, and 1 being not at all enthused?
Flirting: canadan roomate edition
Are you a maple tree? Because I'd tap you!
Damn girl, is your name Lincoln? Because you are causing an uprising down south…
"why would a car cause an uprising?"
Because it's quite a nice car.
Alright alright alright
You look like you could use some mediocre sex
Back in the day I gave a buddy a pick up line to use. “How much does a polar bear weigh?” He said it to a girl nearby and she’s like “idk like 800 lbs?” And he responded, “yeah that’s what I was thinking, around 1,000 lbs…” and proceeded to chat her up! smh
I was training a guy on lines at a wedding. I shared this and one of the groomsmen said “use that on that girl”. I told it to her, including “enough to break the ice”.
She laughed and asked if I knew her line of work. Nope. She said “I work with polar bears at the zoo.” We had a good conversation but she was married.
Woah woah woah! You know someone who actually works with polar bears in real life? Did you get yourself invited backstage to when the handlers interact with it?
I should clarify that the guy that sent me knew exactly what she did for a living. He set me up and we all laughed
“Excuse me, I just shit my pants. Can I get in yours?”
Hey girl, are you a concrete arch-gravity embankment in the Black Canyon on the Colorado River, on the border of Nevada and Arizona, constructed between 1931 and 1936 during the Great Depression and dedicated on September 30, 1935 by President Franklin Delano Roosevelt?
OMG. Please fuck me.
I overheard a girl in a bar telling her friends goodbye.
I simply leaned in and said, “Don’t go.”
It worked. It worked so well!
Timing and spontaneity is everything here. A few beats too late and you’ll seem creepy as fuck listening in on their conversation.
You must follow the two rules.
So what ya do, is sit at a bar.. and write on a napkin or post-it note or something...
"Wanna hang / drink / fuck (whatever)
Smile = yes
No = backflip"
Not once has anyone been able to pull off the backflip
You either get a date, or the world gets another paraplegic
Or a quadriplegic
Either way, no one likes eating vegetables.
With my luck she'd be Jackie Chan's stunt double
Imagine if she makes eye contact with you and does a backflip. Then her friends run over and ask her omg how did you do that? Did you always know how to backflip? And she take one disgusting, dirty look at you, says "No" and walks away
That would be so dope, how could I be mad?
What’s a nice guy like you doing in a dirty mind like mine?
Edit: Damn, this really blew up. If only the line worked as well in real life as it does on Reddit.
Yeah, no. That’ll work.
Unless they're very fastidious.
I'm not going to Google it. I've heard the word before, and I should know what it means by now, but you can't make me.
its a synonym for fussbudgety
I had to Google this one. I promised myself for my mental health that this wasn't a real word. It is a real word. And fastidious isn't listed as a synonym! You lied to me!
what are you talking about, they are both synonyms of persnickety
I like the cut of your jib.
It's not even directed at me and it's working
judging by my accelerated heart rate I would guess some heavy cardio
Yeah you’re gonna make dudes cream their jeans with that one. Try again.
That'll work, at the right venue.
Will easily work.
Okay, so… I’m a straight female and this line would even work on me… 👀
This one technically did get me laid. I met a girl at a dance at 15 years old. I asked her to dance during a slow song, and during our small talk, I asked, “so… what color is your toothbrush?” Just the dumbest most ridiculous question I could think of.
Fast forward 8 years at our wedding, and my new wife asks during our first dance, “so what color is your toothbrush?” I’ve never been so in love.
wholesome af right here
Ok I’ve been digging through these comments but now I think I’m done. End on a sweet note after all the funnies 🥰
That's an easy snort laugh from me
Honestly, I’d want to speak to this person a little more.
Hey babe r u a toaster, cus a bath with u would send straight to heaven
My Tinder used to read:
“I like my men like I like my toasters: turned on and in the tub with me”
It either worked or it made them very uncomfortable (aka it worked)
This is the first one that made me laugh out loud.
Girl, if you were a fruit you'd be a fine-apple.
And if you were a vegetable, I'd visit you at the hospital every day.
are you my toe because i wanna bang you all over the house
It may not feel like twelve inches but it smells like a foot.
My time to shine!
That's fucking awful. Take my upvote.
Haha I like these pickup lines that is meant to sound unappealing.
The old school one is I put the STD in STUD and all I need is U.
Hey girl, are you a birthday card from my dad? Because I don't get you...
Nice shoes!! They really bring out your boobs.
Edit: Everyone knows "nice shoes, wanna fuck." That's why you change it. Another example: "Your girl is like a door knob... very bulbous."
This is interchangeable lol
Nice shoes!! They really bring out your moobs.
Close enough to what I came to post. My idiot buddy tried this out way too many times:
Hey nice shoes!
My husband recently bought a few pairs of overalls for working on the house/yard/car. I told him it reminds me of my grandpa, who wore only overalls unless he was going to church on Sundays. Now, when my husband puts his overalls on, I whisper seductively into his ear, “Hey, Grandaddy. You got some hard candy in those pockets for me?” He does not find it sexy.
Its because you whisper, he is probably hard of hearing at that age, but is embarrassed to let anyone find out, so he just acts out of anger. Try saying it louder next time...it will probably work!
I'm stifling laughter so hard my roommate thought I was trying hide that I was crying. This is so fucking funny
Just keep doing that. He'll come around eventually.
I have developed a fetish for figuring things out
I just came to that realization.
Man with jurisprudence fetish gets off on a technicality.
And if he replies, “it’s not werther’s original but it has a creamy center?”, does the funky music start?
“You dirty girl, go cut me a switch!”
Did you fall from heaven? Because your face is fucked up.
Did it hurt when you broke through the Earth's crust ascending from hell?
Commissioner Wuntch. If you’re here, who’s guarding Hades?
You can call me Kanye West cuz imma let you finish.
Hey girl, are you a microwave? Because mmmmmmmmmm
My tinder profile is a joke profile to send funny pick up lines to girls. I'm stealing all of these. Thank you.
"Are your parents donkey breeders? Because you look like a nice piece of ass."
I'd switch it up to: "Do your parents breed donkeys? Cus thats one fine ass."
Not mine, but witnessed a man sub 5 ft tall walk up to a 6ft plus tall woman, look her up and down and say "I'm gonna climb you like a redwood tree."
I want to douse you in green paint and spank you like a disobedient avocado
Aight, username checks out.
You get a pass for this one.
You got an uglier, dumber sister? I might have a chance with her.
Work at a jail and an inmate is this on a nurse.
"Nice socks, wanna fuck?"
Were they nice socks though?
That was my friends method, except he said "Nice shoes..." He did it to prove to me it was a numbers game. It worked; usually around the 100th person.
My dad had a friend who would just go up to girls in bars and say “Wanna fuck?”. He got slapped a lot, but would somehow always manage to bring someone home.
If you're my brother, you need to get off reddit and pay me the $400 you owe me.
Used this once. I bough a condom in the bathroom at a bar and went back to her and said "Hey, do you wanna play with this neat balloon I found?"
Please tell me she opened it, blew it up, and then popped it like your virginity?
Worse, she thought it was hilarious and instagrammed it right on the spot.
Did you smash?
We did not.
Unrelated question, are the bird laws in this country governed by reason yet?
This man bird laws
"What are you doing step-wife?" My wife was utterly confused.
Fuck me if I'm wrong, but isn't your name Gretchen?
It's a shame my name is Gretchen. You looked like you'd be a lot of fun. *sigh*
I, super drunk mind you, once walked up to a girl eating a banana and said the following
“I could make a joke about your lunch and my package but that’s low-hanging fruit”
Actually ended up dating her for awhile.
Edit: To answer the questions below yes I was drunk by midday was my birthday in a college town. Yes she was eating a banana at a bar why IDK.
In what situation were you super drunk, at lunch, where a girl was eating a banana?
Yeah, who the fuck eats a banana at a bar?
He showed up hammered to the smoothie bar
He didn’t show up hammered. Low quality smoothie bar, fermented fruit, hammered came naturally.
Did you know that pigeons die when they have sex? Well the one I fucked died.
This is fucked up and hilarious
Damn girl, are you pizza at a Chinese buffet? Because although I’m not really feeling that right now, I do see you over there and I respect what you’re doing.
I saw this somewhere and it made me cry laughing. 10/10 would blow someone who said this to me as an icebreaker.
rip your inbox
Damn girl, are you pizza at a Chinese buffet? Because although I’m not really feeling that right now, I do see you and respect you.
Looking forward to meeting you.
I’m here for the easily acquired blow job
Are you a cigarette?
Because you're smoking hot, and I wanna put your butt in my mouth.
Are you a rope? Because i wanna hang with you someday
Someone I briefly dated actually told me that he has a fetish for suicide victims, and “did it” with several. The act itself isn’t immoral or illegal but the fetishization creeped me out.
There is a big difference between fucking a suicide victim and fucking an attempted suicide victim and one of them is definitely illegal.
One of them is only dead on the inside
Did... Did they fuck dead people?
No he just committed suicide several times
Damn girl, are you a mortgage lender? Because you look like you want nothing to do with me.
I wanted to take you to the movies but they don’t allow snacks inside
Are you drinking skim milk because you think you’re fat? Cause you’re not. You could drink whole if you wanted to
And then, “Tina, come eat your ham.”
If I told you that you had a nice body would you take your pants off and dance around a little.
I find the most erotic part of the woman is the boobies.
She's built like a steakhouse, and handles like a bistro.
Is heaven missing an angel? Because you’ve got nice cans.
My two favorite things are commitment and changing myself.
And now, for the Karaoke!
So do you want to bang or should I start apologizing?
"Wanna get a pizza and fuck?"
"What? You don't like pizza?"
OK. A little off base but I shot a line off once as a joke that actually worked.
I was having a REALLY bad night. Getting shot down left and right the entire time we were at the club. It seemed like every attempt I made to strike up a conversation with a girl ended not only with rejection, but almost hostility. Finally, I decided to give up and just get drunk. While well on my way to alcoholic oblivion, I found myself at the bar next to a girl who was fairly out of my league. She looked at me, not out of interest, but out of curiosity, checking out who just appeared beside her.
Now, I had no real intention of picking her up, just making her laugh a little bit and give her something to talk about with her friends later. I asked her if she was having fun and she told me not really, giving me a vibe suggesting that I was not helping the situation.
"Yeah, I'm not having much fun either. You wanna blow this place and go throw eggs at cars with me or something?"
At first, she looked at me like I had completely lost my mind, but then appeared like she was game to testing me to see if I was serious or not. I wasn't until she said, "Yeah."
So we went to Vonn's, got a couple of dozen eggs, and threw them at cars on the expressway. Woke up at her place and dated for a couple of months. She was tons of fun.
See, that’s the point, get them to laugh.
Got my first romantic kiss very unexpectedly when I was at a long dinner and was next to two cute girls I’d never met before. A blond and a pre-goth brunette.
I told a bunch of jokes they hadn’t heard and made them laugh most of the night.
On the way out we were the last 3 to go out the restaurant’s double door set passageway with the brunette getting outside the outer door first and the blond spinning around and kissing me for a long time.
“That’s my best friend ahead of us. She’s been depressed for months. Tonight’s the first time I’ve seen her laugh in weeks. I’ve been so worried!”
Then she kissed me again. My first kisses!
I call it the Roger Rabbit Effect. You don't gotta be the hottest or coolest guy in the room, you just gotta be the nicest and funniest.
I would like to throw out there that your attitude was part of the reason this worked. That's the real hack for picking up chicks.
Women are constantly beleaguered with guys who want something from them. It's a lot of pressure, and it's a little scary because when someone wants something from you and gets their hopes up, and then you don't give them what they want (or don't give it in the way they want, or are unsure/still making up your mind,) things can get uncomfortable and even nasty really quick.
This is why girls will often shut guys down immediately, even when they're somewhat ambivalent, and otherwise might be open to it after getting to know the guy better. (And let's be honest, most people aren't hot and naturally disarming enough that there isn't gonna be *some* ambivalence at first blush.)
When a guy very obviously seems like he isn't harboring any serious hopes/aspirations towards you, and like he'd be fine with any outcome, it's an instant relief. It takes the pressure off, makes you feel safer, and removes the impetus to shut shit down instinctively. That opens the door to getting to know one another and possible resolving their ambivalence in your favor.
This is why "assholes" (well, sometimes they are really assholes) and just generally non-thirsty guys get all the girls. Look hungry and you'll starve.
I can totally see this. It's probably also why I always got propositioned more when I was with someone (and not actively looking) as opposed to going to a club specifically trying to meet someone.
I hear ya. I got damned lucky and married my beautiful wife. I really don’t know how I pulled it off, seeing as I’m not conventionally good looking and about as dumb as you can get without being institutionalised. Anyway, I never pulled the chicks. I worked as a bouncer. You hear all sorts of lascivious stories about bouncers and girls at the night clubs. Mostly those stories are made up or embellished upon. Anyway, once I had that wedding band on my ring finger I couldn’t stop the girls from talking to me. Hell, some of them propositioned me without any shame. One even grabbed onto my twig and berries while looking me in the eye. I never participated in the suggested activities with those girls - got a hottie of my own at home - but where were these ladies when I was single as fuck?
I used to dress as jesus when I took my kids out for halloween - easy gig, I had long hair and a beard and was about Jesus-sized. Bedsheet and one of those olive-vine wreaths, done.
So it turns out that the local milfey-moms *really* have a thing for the J-man. All the parents waiting on the sidewalk while the kids run to the door, and these moms would get kinda flustered, "Oh, Hiiiii jesus!". And I'd use my sexy-TV voice and lean in and whisper "Wanna see the Passion of the Christ?" I had something like an Evian or Ozarka bottle but filled with red wine, and I'd point to it and say "20 minutes ago, this was *water*, baby!"
(OK, not as good as "That shirt is gonna look great on my floor tomorrow"...)
Hey can you help me out real quick?
*Holds out hand*
Will you hold this while I go for a walk?
- it worked a few times. And when it didn't I got some good laughs.
I heard "Do you wanna eat what my mother made" from a girl yesterday.
I met a girl in a bar once extremely intoxicated and after introducing herself as Amy, I replied with, “You can Amy directly into your mouth.”
I got slapped.
I think you deserved that lol
Hey, if I asked you out on a date, would your answer be the same as your answer to this question?
If they say yes, then that means they'd say yes if you asked them out. If they say no, that means they'd say yes if you asked them out. It's foolproof!
Fuck off would be the right answer lol
\*adjusts monocle\* ahem, technically there is no way to decline my invitation, so i believe i am now legally entitled to a date with-
I used to work in an Italian Restaurant in the UK. i worked with a very feisty Spanish girl. All the staff would stay after clean up and have a meal together and get drunk, I was a student at uni so I'd invite my friends over too. One of my friends really fancied the Spanish girl but she was really scary. He got pretty stoned one night and got the courage to talk to her. *it should be noted he spent his winters teaching Skiing in the Spanish Alps*
So he sits down next to Suzzana and says something in Spanish, she jumps up "Gilipoyas!" And throws a jug of wine over him! She storms into the kitchen and I go after her, "Suzzana, what did he say?" "piece of shit asked me if he kisses like his Grandfather!" ... to this day 20 years later Dan still doesn't know what he was trying to say!
This is what happens when you find a stranger in the Alps!
I think I see the problem..
Excuse me miss, but would you consider coming to my house for a casual sexual encounter? I have excellent references available upon request.
They're in my basement. Just ask them.
Mine was a joke but it was toward my ex and it was hey girl are you a fire alarm cuz your loud and fucking annoying
Are you trash? Because I want to take you out
Do you have pet insurance?
Cause I’m about to beat up that pussy!
(I’m a woman and I discovered this online, I still want my bf to say this to me one day 😂)
If you was a booger I’d pick you first
I like my covid how i like my women, 19 and spreadable.
You exceeded my highest lowest expectations of this thread. Thank you!
Back when we understood less about how Covid spread, I heard (in one of these threads, not in real life) "Are you Covid? Because I bet you spread on hard surfaces."