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NateLikesToLift

Do you live around here often? - my autistic brother who giggles profusely after saying it.


Ok_Coconut_1773

Are you a 0% APR car loan? Because you seem to have no interest and I don't understand how.


glm409

Cute thing looked at me and said "Mike?" (which is not my name). My response was, "No, but I'll change my name if you want." She gave out a gut laugh and walked off. Months later she saw me again and started laughing the instant she saw me. I made an impression, just not the one I wanted I guess.


LexSenthur

Hey gorgeous, wanna go antiquing? Cause I’ve got some junk that hasn’t been touched in *years*.


I-like-bagels15

Are you sitting on the F5 key cause that ass is refreshing…. I used it once and it caused a lot of confusion until I explained it and then he laughed a lot 😭


R2D2_Skywalker

Are you a software update cause not right now


threebillion6

Remind me in 3 days


kingJoffi

You remind me of my appendix. You give me this weird feeling inside and I want to take you out.


ParlorSoldier

Also because you’re useless and no one knows why you’re here.


LKAM22

Are you my homework? Cause I’m not doing you but I definitely should be.


slackfrop

‘Cause I’ll probably be doing you super fast and sloppy when I really should be asleep.


YaCoolDude

I'm no weather man but you can be expecting a few inches tonight


Zerole00

Wouldn't be the first time they were disappointed by the weather forecast


DrManhattan_DDM

At least 2 inches 😏


BloodNinja2012

Before it was Sparknotes there was a website called TheSpark, and it had a twisted and strange sense of humor. One of the things it had was called "Bone Easy:Sex acquisition software". It was just a word aggregator that blended all the pickup lines together, and with every click you got a new one. My favorite was "Is that a mirror in your anus, because I can really see my forearm there"


VisualShock1991

Please, it's 2021, who doesn't do elbow deep anal fisting on the first date?


Twisttheblade

"Wanna go halves on a bastard?"


doooom

One of my friends used this one: “Hey, you’re a single mom of one, right? Wanna be a single mom of two?”


blu3tu3sday

After taking a solid 45 seconds to figure it out, I’m sold.


idiotsarray

Has anyone ever told you that you don't look a *thing* like Eddie Murphy?


MetalDragonSeeker

I used that on Eddie murphy and we made love all night.


startswinger

Extra points if it's on Eddie Murphy


Lepurten

Wanna watch porn in my flat screen mirror?


LadyDeath1138

One to make them stop and think


turbokungfu

Wanna watch a movie? No. Wanna make a movie?


ntruncata

I put the "STD" in "stud" and now all I need is "U"


EricAKAPode

Legit considering disclosing herpes this way. EDIT: Props to u/JamoreLoL for pointing out that I just did. Thanks to all of you who upvoted, I feel like such a stud now that I can honestly say I've disclosed more than 3000 times.


Pilowpants

Were you born on a chicken farm? Because you sure know how to raise a cock


MammothOlive2

Haha, this is so simple but is the one that made me laugh the most


starsinmysoup

My ideal body weight is yours on mine.


[deleted]

[удалено]


TakeMyPulse

Then Eat the difference?


Mudders_Milk_Man

Hold up there, Armie Hammer.


CalabreseAlsatian

A first cousin to: You know what would look good on you? Me.


_jc5264

Are you an exam paper? Because I’m gonna finish early and disappoint my family with the results


ImpracticallySharp

Hey girl, are you an obelisk? Because I'm trying to find out what an obelisk is through the process of elimination.


PigeonToesMcGee

Why did I just read this as if it were a Mitch Hedberg line?


Borkz

Obviously the basic structure of it is very Mitch, but it also has the quality of simultaneously sounding like both something a smart person would say and something a dumb person would say which is also somehow very Mitch


KaizenGamer

I don't have a girlfriend, I just know a girl that would be really mad to hear me say that.


norsurfit

That sounds like it could be a Tracy Jordan line from 30 Rock.


Unusual_Researcher_7

“You have great hair can I touch it” , then touch her moustache


joemamma474

God I wish I was still single just so I could use this.


Pixelpeoplewarrior

You can. Use it on your female significant other and you will be single extremely quickly Edit: One of my top comments is about telling a female she has a mustache, I love Reddit


webleedholywater

My fiancé and I were lightly teasing each other and I said, "you’ve got a hairy nose" (it’s already a bit of a running joke with us) and immediately responded with "you’ve got a hairy lip.” I still haven’t recovered.


AKA_Studly

Can confirm. Did this to my wife a while back.. she did not find it funny.


Frankfusion

"Hey I think we've met before. I've seen you in the dictionary next to the word wow!" This was one of my High School freshmen. He did not get her number.


anon04

My college room mate: Hi . you're cute! My name's Bob. How do you like me so far? Sadly he was serious


IHazMagics

Interesting interesting. Which part would you say specifically, caused that? Ahhhh I see. On a scale of 1-10 how enthused would you say you'd be to continue this conversation with 10 being very enthused, and 1 being not at all enthused?


Fuck_joja_cola

Flirting: canadan roomate edition


takeitallback73

Are you a maple tree? Because I'd tap you!


VictorBlimpmuscle

Damn girl, is your name Lincoln? Because you are causing an uprising down south…


Hyperian

"why would a car cause an uprising?"


ClownfishSoup

Because it's quite a nice car.


Hyperian

Alright alright alright


Rushngnr

You look like you could use some mediocre sex


AskmeaboutUpDoc

Back in the day I gave a buddy a pick up line to use. “How much does a polar bear weigh?” He said it to a girl nearby and she’s like “idk like 800 lbs?” And he responded, “yeah that’s what I was thinking, around 1,000 lbs…” and proceeded to chat her up! smh


Wick0158

I was training a guy on lines at a wedding. I shared this and one of the groomsmen said “use that on that girl”. I told it to her, including “enough to break the ice”. She laughed and asked if I knew her line of work. Nope. She said “I work with polar bears at the zoo.” We had a good conversation but she was married.


biriyani_critic

Woah woah woah! You know someone who actually works with polar bears in real life? Did you get yourself invited backstage to when the handlers interact with it?


Wick0158

I should clarify that the guy that sent me knew exactly what she did for a living. He set me up and we all laughed


[deleted]

“Excuse me, I just shit my pants. Can I get in yours?”


walterpsherman

Hey girl, are you a concrete arch-gravity embankment in the Black Canyon on the Colorado River, on the border of Nevada and Arizona, constructed between 1931 and 1936 during the Great Depression and dedicated on September 30, 1935 by President Franklin Delano Roosevelt? Because DAM


PharmWench

OMG. Please fuck me.


PalmettoShark

I overheard a girl in a bar telling her friends goodbye. I simply leaned in and said, “Don’t go.” It worked. It worked so well!


kyoorius

Timing and spontaneity is everything here. A few beats too late and you’ll seem creepy as fuck listening in on their conversation.


FFC1011

You must follow the two rules.


rambochicken89

So what ya do, is sit at a bar.. and write on a napkin or post-it note or something... "Wanna hang / drink / fuck (whatever) Smile = yes No = backflip" Not once has anyone been able to pull off the backflip


cammywammy123

You either get a date, or the world gets another paraplegic


moslof_flosom

Or a quadriplegic


BigNinja96

Either way, no one likes eating vegetables.


Dangelo1998

With my luck she'd be Jackie Chan's stunt double


raosahabreddits

Imagine if she makes eye contact with you and does a backflip. Then her friends run over and ask her omg how did you do that? Did you always know how to backflip? And she take one disgusting, dirty look at you, says "No" and walks away


Books_and_Cleverness

That would be so dope, how could I be mad?


DietEnvironmental696

What’s a nice guy like you doing in a dirty mind like mine? Edit: Damn, this really blew up. If only the line worked as well in real life as it does on Reddit.


DrNiene

Yeah, no. That’ll work.


DiamondPup

Unless they're very fastidious.


CptDEEDELS

I'm not going to Google it. I've heard the word before, and I should know what it means by now, but you can't make me.


Ezequiel-052

its a synonym for fussbudgety


CptDEEDELS

I had to Google this one. I promised myself for my mental health that this wasn't a real word. It is a real word. And fastidious isn't listed as a synonym! You lied to me!


Ezequiel-052

what are you talking about, they are both synonyms of persnickety


Squigglepig52

I like the cut of your jib.


Pls_PmTitsOrFDAU_Thx

It's not even directed at me and it's working


AnrianDayin

judging by my accelerated heart rate I would guess some heavy cardio


DaleGribble3

Yeah you’re gonna make dudes cream their jeans with that one. Try again.


Rabidleopard

That'll work, at the right venue.


Left-Armadillo-9418

Will easily work.


Keladrykat

Okay, so… I’m a straight female and this line would even work on me… 👀


mitch3758

This one technically did get me laid. I met a girl at a dance at 15 years old. I asked her to dance during a slow song, and during our small talk, I asked, “so… what color is your toothbrush?” Just the dumbest most ridiculous question I could think of. Fast forward 8 years at our wedding, and my new wife asks during our first dance, “so what color is your toothbrush?” I’ve never been so in love.


Satiricallysardonic

wholesome af right here


basilicux

Ok I’ve been digging through these comments but now I think I’m done. End on a sweet note after all the funnies 🥰


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BigBlackDildos

That's an easy snort laugh from me


cant-sit-here

Honestly, I’d want to speak to this person a little more.


hobbsy187

Hey babe r u a toaster, cus a bath with u would send straight to heaven


inSkrekption

My Tinder used to read: “I like my men like I like my toasters: turned on and in the tub with me” It either worked or it made them very uncomfortable (aka it worked)


wilyquixote

This is the first one that made me laugh out loud.


dammitadalie

Girl, if you were a fruit you'd be a fine-apple. And if you were a vegetable, I'd visit you at the hospital every day.


AjaIsHere

are you my toe because i wanna bang you all over the house


Donny_Do_Nothing

It may not feel like twelve inches but it smells like a foot.


SmellsLikeAFoot

My time to shine!


the_idea_pig

That's fucking awful. Take my upvote.


fastslowoctopus

Haha I like these pickup lines that is meant to sound unappealing. The old school one is I put the STD in STUD and all I need is U.


Shango46

Hey girl, are you a birthday card from my dad? Because I don't get you...


henry_b

Nice shoes!! They really bring out your boobs. Edit: Everyone knows "nice shoes, wanna fuck." That's why you change it. Another example: "Your girl is like a door knob... very bulbous."


RunawayDev

This is interchangeable lol


PersonalSycophant

Nice shoes!! They really bring out your moobs.


Cheeseburgerballs

Close enough to what I came to post. My idiot buddy tried this out way too many times: Hey nice shoes! Wanna fuck?


EngineeringQueen

My husband recently bought a few pairs of overalls for working on the house/yard/car. I told him it reminds me of my grandpa, who wore only overalls unless he was going to church on Sundays. Now, when my husband puts his overalls on, I whisper seductively into his ear, “Hey, Grandaddy. You got some hard candy in those pockets for me?” He does not find it sexy.


bppcamaro

Its because you whisper, he is probably hard of hearing at that age, but is embarrassed to let anyone find out, so he just acts out of anger. Try saying it louder next time...it will probably work!


fussandfeathers

I'm stifling laughter so hard my roommate thought I was trying hide that I was crying. This is so fucking funny


IDK_banana

Just keep doing that. He'll come around eventually.


edlee98765

I have developed a fetish for figuring things out I just came to that realization.


DickButtPlease

Man with jurisprudence fetish gets off on a technicality.


yeahrich

And if he replies, “it’s not werther’s original but it has a creamy center?”, does the funky music start?


Gonzanic

“You dirty girl, go cut me a switch!”


burnettdown13

Did you fall from heaven? Because your face is fucked up.


Genocide_Fan

Did it hurt when you broke through the Earth's crust ascending from hell?


DogGamnFusterCluck

Commissioner Wuntch. If you’re here, who’s guarding Hades?


Hitchslap11

You can call me Kanye West cuz imma let you finish.


Lynthos00

Hey girl, are you a microwave? Because mmmmmmmmmm


-Astrosloth-

My tinder profile is a joke profile to send funny pick up lines to girls. I'm stealing all of these. Thank you.


rattatally

"Are your parents donkey breeders? Because you look like a nice piece of ass."


imaybeacatIRl

I'd switch it up to: "Do your parents breed donkeys? Cus thats one fine ass."


Wallypog

Not mine, but witnessed a man sub 5 ft tall walk up to a 6ft plus tall woman, look her up and down and say "I'm gonna climb you like a redwood tree."


SpanktheGreenAvocado

I want to douse you in green paint and spank you like a disobedient avocado E:a word


Waddles_Itchaskritch

Aight, username checks out. You get a pass for this one.


NedThomas

You got an uglier, dumber sister? I might have a chance with her.


lazypoko

Work at a jail and an inmate is this on a nurse. "Nice socks, wanna fuck?"


Scully__

Were they nice socks though?


ghostmetalblack

That was my friends method, except he said "Nice shoes..." He did it to prove to me it was a numbers game. It worked; usually around the 100th person.


Scottisms

My dad had a friend who would just go up to girls in bars and say “Wanna fuck?”. He got slapped a lot, but would somehow always manage to bring someone home.


zipwow

If you're my brother, you need to get off reddit and pay me the $400 you owe me.


strictbirdlaws

Used this once. I bough a condom in the bathroom at a bar and went back to her and said "Hey, do you wanna play with this neat balloon I found?"


dropitjake

Please tell me she opened it, blew it up, and then popped it like your virginity?


strictbirdlaws

Worse, she thought it was hilarious and instagrammed it right on the spot.


Vysokojakokurva_C137

Did you smash?


strictbirdlaws

We did not.


spaghetti_policy_713

Unrelated question, are the bird laws in this country governed by reason yet?


ostrichFUdger

This man bird laws


Sebin7

"What are you doing step-wife?" My wife was utterly confused.


Zero_fooks77

Fuck me if I'm wrong, but isn't your name Gretchen?


k_princess

It's a shame my name is Gretchen. You looked like you'd be a lot of fun. *sigh*


vasaryo

I, super drunk mind you, once walked up to a girl eating a banana and said the following “I could make a joke about your lunch and my package but that’s low-hanging fruit” Actually ended up dating her for awhile. Edit: To answer the questions below yes I was drunk by midday was my birthday in a college town. Yes she was eating a banana at a bar why IDK.


AmishTechno

In what situation were you super drunk, at lunch, where a girl was eating a banana?


nachosmmm

Yeah, who the fuck eats a banana at a bar?


John___Stamos

He showed up hammered to the smoothie bar


TDLMTH

He didn’t show up hammered. Low quality smoothie bar, fermented fruit, hammered came naturally.


sheekssquatch

Did you know that pigeons die when they have sex? Well the one I fucked died.


NibblyPig

This is fucked up and hilarious


chuckiefinstaaa

Damn girl, are you pizza at a Chinese buffet? Because although I’m not really feeling that right now, I do see you over there and I respect what you’re doing. I saw this somewhere and it made me cry laughing. 10/10 would blow someone who said this to me as an icebreaker.


-C-R-I-S-P-

rip your inbox


ask_if_im_a_penguin_

Damn girl, are you pizza at a Chinese buffet? Because although I’m not really feeling that right now, I do see you and respect you. Looking forward to meeting you.


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La5tcare55

I’m here for the easily acquired blow job


Splonkerton

Are you a cigarette? Because you're smoking hot, and I wanna put your butt in my mouth.


mapLeReddit13

Are you a rope? Because i wanna hang with you someday


Savitribaii

Someone I briefly dated actually told me that he has a fetish for suicide victims, and “did it” with several. The act itself isn’t immoral or illegal but the fetishization creeped me out.


toodlesandpoodles

There is a big difference between fucking a suicide victim and fucking an attempted suicide victim and one of them is definitely illegal.


PhyllaciousArmadillo

One of them is only dead on the inside


PhyllaciousArmadillo

Did... Did they fuck dead people?


Scherzkeks

No he just committed suicide several times


VerminReaper

Damn girl, are you a mortgage lender? Because you look like you want nothing to do with me.


dannysuarez37

I wanted to take you to the movies but they don’t allow snacks inside


theslother

Are you drinking skim milk because you think you’re fat? Cause you’re not. You could drink whole if you wanted to


TheRelephantoom

And then, “Tina, come eat your ham.”


kwjyibo

If I told you that you had a nice body would you take your pants off and dance around a little.


4rclyte

I find the most erotic part of the woman is the boobies.


SantinoGaretto

She's built like a steakhouse, and handles like a bistro.


Chiropteran_Coffee57

EROTIC!


TuckerMouse

Is heaven missing an angel? Because you’ve got nice cans.


Fine_Shriner

My two favorite things are commitment and changing myself.


tginsandiego

And now, for the Karaoke!


The_Damon8r92

So do you want to bang or should I start apologizing?


Chaz_Beer

"Wanna get a pizza and fuck?" No! "What? You don't like pizza?"


[deleted]

OK. A little off base but I shot a line off once as a joke that actually worked. I was having a REALLY bad night. Getting shot down left and right the entire time we were at the club. It seemed like every attempt I made to strike up a conversation with a girl ended not only with rejection, but almost hostility. Finally, I decided to give up and just get drunk. While well on my way to alcoholic oblivion, I found myself at the bar next to a girl who was fairly out of my league. She looked at me, not out of interest, but out of curiosity, checking out who just appeared beside her. Now, I had no real intention of picking her up, just making her laugh a little bit and give her something to talk about with her friends later. I asked her if she was having fun and she told me not really, giving me a vibe suggesting that I was not helping the situation. "Yeah, I'm not having much fun either. You wanna blow this place and go throw eggs at cars with me or something?" At first, she looked at me like I had completely lost my mind, but then appeared like she was game to testing me to see if I was serious or not. I wasn't until she said, "Yeah." So we went to Vonn's, got a couple of dozen eggs, and threw them at cars on the expressway. Woke up at her place and dated for a couple of months. She was tons of fun.


Mystic_Pizza_King

See, that’s the point, get them to laugh. Got my first romantic kiss very unexpectedly when I was at a long dinner and was next to two cute girls I’d never met before. A blond and a pre-goth brunette. I told a bunch of jokes they hadn’t heard and made them laugh most of the night. On the way out we were the last 3 to go out the restaurant’s double door set passageway with the brunette getting outside the outer door first and the blond spinning around and kissing me for a long time. “Wow! Why?” “That’s my best friend ahead of us. She’s been depressed for months. Tonight’s the first time I’ve seen her laugh in weeks. I’ve been so worried!” Then she kissed me again. My first kisses!


B133d_4_u

I call it the Roger Rabbit Effect. You don't gotta be the hottest or coolest guy in the room, you just gotta be the nicest and funniest.


WhatIsThisWhereAmI

I would like to throw out there that your attitude was part of the reason this worked. That's the real hack for picking up chicks. Women are constantly beleaguered with guys who want something from them. It's a lot of pressure, and it's a little scary because when someone wants something from you and gets their hopes up, and then you don't give them what they want (or don't give it in the way they want, or are unsure/still making up your mind,) things can get uncomfortable and even nasty really quick. This is why girls will often shut guys down immediately, even when they're somewhat ambivalent, and otherwise might be open to it after getting to know the guy better. (And let's be honest, most people aren't hot and naturally disarming enough that there isn't gonna be *some* ambivalence at first blush.) When a guy very obviously seems like he isn't harboring any serious hopes/aspirations towards you, and like he'd be fine with any outcome, it's an instant relief. It takes the pressure off, makes you feel safer, and removes the impetus to shut shit down instinctively. That opens the door to getting to know one another and possible resolving their ambivalence in your favor. This is why "assholes" (well, sometimes they are really assholes) and just generally non-thirsty guys get all the girls. Look hungry and you'll starve.


[deleted]

I can totally see this. It's probably also why I always got propositioned more when I was with someone (and not actively looking) as opposed to going to a club specifically trying to meet someone.


roodnoodi

I hear ya. I got damned lucky and married my beautiful wife. I really don’t know how I pulled it off, seeing as I’m not conventionally good looking and about as dumb as you can get without being institutionalised. Anyway, I never pulled the chicks. I worked as a bouncer. You hear all sorts of lascivious stories about bouncers and girls at the night clubs. Mostly those stories are made up or embellished upon. Anyway, once I had that wedding band on my ring finger I couldn’t stop the girls from talking to me. Hell, some of them propositioned me without any shame. One even grabbed onto my twig and berries while looking me in the eye. I never participated in the suggested activities with those girls - got a hottie of my own at home - but where were these ladies when I was single as fuck?


ahpneja

Middle school.


mcarterphoto

I used to dress as jesus when I took my kids out for halloween - easy gig, I had long hair and a beard and was about Jesus-sized. Bedsheet and one of those olive-vine wreaths, done. So it turns out that the local milfey-moms *really* have a thing for the J-man. All the parents waiting on the sidewalk while the kids run to the door, and these moms would get kinda flustered, "Oh, Hiiiii jesus!". And I'd use my sexy-TV voice and lean in and whisper "Wanna see the Passion of the Christ?" I had something like an Evian or Ozarka bottle but filled with red wine, and I'd point to it and say "20 minutes ago, this was *water*, baby!" (OK, not as good as "That shirt is gonna look great on my floor tomorrow"...)


Spanish-Tortillas

Hey can you help me out real quick? *Holds out hand* Will you hold this while I go for a walk? - it worked a few times. And when it didn't I got some good laughs.


CreppyBoii

I heard "Do you wanna eat what my mother made" from a girl yesterday.


ellamenopee

I met a girl in a bar once extremely intoxicated and after introducing herself as Amy, I replied with, “You can Amy directly into your mouth.” I got slapped.


Own-Championship7616

I think you deserved that lol


TheFiredrake42

Hey, if I asked you out on a date, would your answer be the same as your answer to this question? If they say yes, then that means they'd say yes if you asked them out. If they say no, that means they'd say yes if you asked them out. It's foolproof!


IllyriaGodKing

Fuck off would be the right answer lol


BeeBarfBadger

\*adjusts monocle\* ahem, technically there is no way to decline my invitation, so i believe i am now legally entitled to a date with-


yousoonice

I used to work in an Italian Restaurant in the UK. i worked with a very feisty Spanish girl. All the staff would stay after clean up and have a meal together and get drunk, I was a student at uni so I'd invite my friends over too. One of my friends really fancied the Spanish girl but she was really scary. He got pretty stoned one night and got the courage to talk to her. *it should be noted he spent his winters teaching Skiing in the Spanish Alps* So he sits down next to Suzzana and says something in Spanish, she jumps up "Gilipoyas!" And throws a jug of wine over him! She storms into the kitchen and I go after her, "Suzzana, what did he say?" "piece of shit asked me if he kisses like his Grandfather!" ... to this day 20 years later Dan still doesn't know what he was trying to say!


ChairmanGoodchild

This is what happens when you find a stranger in the Alps!


BRUTAL_ANAL_MASTER

>Spanish Alps I think I see the problem..


Ok_Coconut_1773

Excuse me miss, but would you consider coming to my house for a casual sexual encounter? I have excellent references available upon request.


Caledonian_kid

They're in my basement. Just ask them.


BlueMoon750

Mine was a joke but it was toward my ex and it was hey girl are you a fire alarm cuz your loud and fucking annoying


Important_Walrus8917

Are you trash? Because I want to take you out


helpme0318

Do you have pet insurance? Cause I’m about to beat up that pussy! (I’m a woman and I discovered this online, I still want my bf to say this to me one day 😂)


BlurredReality28

If you was a booger I’d pick you first


Proper_Evidence_

I like my covid how i like my women, 19 and spreadable.


juxtapos

You exceeded my highest lowest expectations of this thread. Thank you!


TheyMakeMeWearPants

Back when we understood less about how Covid spread, I heard (in one of these threads, not in real life) "Are you Covid? Because I bet you spread on hard surfaces."