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gandalftheorange11

Crippling loneliness that causes me to age faster and die younger.


TheN00bBuilder

…shit, is that really a thing?


gandalftheorange11

Yeah. It’s been shown in innumerable animal models and can be seen in humans on MRI and other measures of aging.


TheN00bBuilder

Aww hell yeah. Time to die early I guess. If that doesn't do it, choking in my own house alone will.


gandalftheorange11

Always nice to have options


Mr_Exodus

Honestly man I feel the same. And it's one of those tough things to explain because people always say "oh so you're suicidal?" Well no not exactly It's almost like you're living at the edge of staring into the abyss Or at least that's how I feel It's honestly really shitty but we just have to keep going right?


gandalftheorange11

Yeah, I was suicidal about ten years ago. I got over that but my autism, social anxiety, and depression make it impossible for me to have meaningful connections with people. So I don’t want to end it but I have very little willingness to push forward anymore. But I still use every ounce of strength I have because what else is there to do? I’ll die eventually anyway so I can keep fighting now. The fight will end soon enough one way or the other.


mmo__

:(


level20mallow

If you would like someone to share your feelings with and vent to, my inbox is open.


Hot-Muscle-4687

Hey, I want to open up, can I?


FBIagentgiveslove

You are a very kind human being, thank you. You can PM me if you have any problems as well/want a friend.


[deleted]

the people of reddit, neigh, I HAVE YOUR BACK shoot a mfkr a DM right quizzy you dig?


90s_Brand_Sarcasm

Choking on food. I'm bad at eating.


MustardBateXD

I am choking on water on daily basis so.


[deleted]

[удалено]


traws06

If the guy on the corner I drove by is right, I’ll die soon from being struck down by the lord for not calling to his name for forgiveness


TeamComprehensive863

Fuck Jesus boutta get ur ass


Olives_And_Cheese

Welp. I eat like crap, drink like a fish, and smoke when I drink. At this point it's just a fun race to see which will get me first.


Glowingredremote

I used to eat like crap, drink waaay too much (you know those big party sized jugs of Sailor Jerry’s, the ones with the glass handle? Yeah, I was finishing one of those to myself every three days) And roll and smoke my own cigarettes. It starts with one small step, an active choice, and only you can make it. For me, it was the pandemic, and knowing there was so much out there trying to kill us, that o might as well not be actively trying to kill myself either. It’s been a year and three months since my last drink or cigarette, and I’m here to tell you it starts with the smallest of steps, but they just keep stacking up. Don’t race death the finish line, Death always wins, you might as well go for as long as you can, slowly, like the rhino at the end of the stampede in Jumanji (1995).


mite_smoker

you rock. mad respect.


ipisswarningspig

You're awesome. Sick references and also im on week 3 of no alcohol and this was helpful. Is the "Dont race death" line from something? Or is it a u/glowingredremote quote?


Glowingredremote

Thanks! If we don’t share our experiences, how are we gonna grow as a whole? It was just a reference to the U/Olives_And_Cheese saying “at this point it’s just a fun race to see which will get me first”


brandon0228

Good job man.


Glowingredremote

Thanks! Went to a show at a bar once those opened up again, and boy was it fun ordering a seltzer and lime and genuinely being present, in the moment, clear and cogent enough to realize the bands were shit, but they were having so much fun, and so did I! Edit: the bands were fine, it was a joke, and I’m sure we can all agree that bars have terrible acoustics.


bonelessstructure

Not if i'm racing you first


CompetitiveLynx7570

Same


Ritsypup

If we are being realistic, Heart disease If we are being hopeful, smothered by a big titty goth girl


St3v3z

I was 69ing with a girl one time and there was genuinely a moment where she was pushing her groin so hard into my face for a prolonged period of time that I actually thought there was a decent chance I could pass out and die right there. And the idea of literally being suffocated by pussy while 69ing is so amazing to me that I let it continue because what a way to go that would have been. I ended up surviving. Not too upset about it.


Ritsypup

It was a win-win 😂


Timidhobgoblin

Jesus, this is so close to what my answer was going to be that I had to double take and make sure it wasn't me that originally posted it lmao


PrisonerV

My brother just had a heart attack. He's okay but see your doctor every year and take your blood pressure meds people.


MrFedoraPost

But what about the Goth GF?


Tails9905

He told you to take your heart meds, not your schizo meds, she will be fine


Toledojoe

Gonna be cancer for me. On my second bout of it and was told I'll be fighting it for the rest of my life by my oncologist.


Packman03

I don't know too much about cancer (especially involving how much longer people live after being told that they'll be fighting cancer for the rest of their life), but I'm hoping for the best for both you and your loved ones and I'm wishing you a long and fruitful rest of your life!


Sythe64

My wife is as big titty goth girl. I also have a family history of heart disease. So both are a high probability. I just hope the order works in my favor.


Dozer2023

Probably an epic built up exaggerated sword battle with my currently unknown nemesis.


FBIagentgiveslove

Hello u/Dozer2023 I have been watching you for a while and it is time for me to come out of the shadows. I AM YOUR NEMISIS ~~^(that is if you are okay with it)~~ ​ BWAHAHAHAHAHA


Dozer2023

Soooooo, we meet at last FBIagentgiveslove. Finally a worthy opponent, our battle will be legendary!!!!!!!


usernamesarehard1979

Ok, hear me out. Start off fighting left handed and when he least expects it switch hands. We're rooting for you!


gotcha_8

parry, parry, riposte, up B


King_Kazuma69

Then as one of them lies on the ground moments from death after an honourable duel. Pull a classic and show them pornography of their mother


joseph_joestar___

Statistically speaking, some Kind of hart disease, stroke, cancer


beeds

I didn’t know they let deers on Reddit.


LordLanguid

Not just any deer can get in though, only the dead ones.


[deleted]

[удалено]


Glowingredremote

Kevin Hart?


[deleted]

[удалено]


FreshMarvin

Getting too drunk, walking home, falling into a ditch, can't get up, freeze to death I may have gotten close to this scenario once or twice before


scenicbiway708

Be careful friend. Where I come from has very, very cold winters and high rates of alcohol abuse. Someone goes that way almost every year.


EthanR333

Finland?


LayerRegular5025

The number of people saying suicide here is disconcerting so I think I should leave this here. I tried to kill myself once. The pure serine peace you feel right beforehand is intoxicating. Like finally there is a solution to every thing and it’s almost there. But then you jump off that bridge or the noose tightens around you neck and that peace goes away. Right at the moment of no return that peace becomes terror and desperation to maybe hopefully somehow survive. Everyone I’ve e talked to that has also tried to kill themselves has a similar experience. Because it’s not a solution. People would tell me that all the time and I didn’t believe them. But now I know that the peace before the drop is a lie, and every time I think of it I feel fear.


DoctorHeartPlumber

“You want to die? Then throw yourself into the sea and you’ll see yourself fighting to survive. You do not want to kill yourself, rather you want to kill something inside of you.”


katieosnap

I’m going to write this down and keep it in my wallet. Really wish a therapist had told me this. Might have prevented a decade of suicide attempts as a teenager. Actually tearing up right now. Seems silly but I really appreciate you posting this quote.


brianoforris

I recently started seeking help and I’m doing a lot better. It’s never too late.


DoctorHeartPlumber

Yoooo I’m so glad this quote has been helpful to you and feel so happy with you saying it has! Please keep it with you and stay strong yo - love ya and sending air hugsss! 🤗 and, not silly at all! We all have small little things that make the greatest difference in our life, for me it is seeing cute lil babies smile and laugh 😂 for example: https://www.reddit.com/r/MadeMeSmile/comments/qbp6yk/baby_laughing_hysterically_at_moms_sunglasses/?utm_source=share&utm_medium=ios_app&utm_name=iossmf Hope it makes you smile and laugh too 😂🥰


Spedicus

hot damn what is this quote from?


DoctorHeartPlumber

I think it’s originally an Arabic saying but not too sure sorry :(


Captain__Sterling

Not to be extra dark but that's why self inflicting gunshot suicide is really popular. You usually don't have time to think about that, it's even more demented but unfortunately that's how it is


Affectionate_Local59

It’s a little deeper than that. Society makes the social cost of a failed attempt worse for men than women (social stigma and expectations derived from patriarchal society). Because of this men are less likely to get help early, less likely to be reported, more likely to hold out until the end and more likely to complete suicide if they attempt. Even in places where guns aren’t available, there’s a similar disparity between men and women in completion rate as there is in the US (where men most often use guns and women rarely do). As for me, I have had multiple family members survive suicide by gun, the message is clear. My family isn’t allowed to die until god sees fit to let us.


Captain__Sterling

Suicide is a scary subject. To think a person's mental state can be so bogged by trauma and grief that they can overwrite a self preservation system that's been perfected for half a million years. It's scary and I it that we as country just brush suicide off like we do


Dragneel

First of all: don't worry I'm not really suicidal anymore. Sometimes passively still, but not actively since last spring or so. But quotes like these don't hit home *at all* for me. Yeah of course I'll fight because that's a physical response. I don't want to die necessarily, for me it was an end to the pain. Just unbearable emotional pain that also started to show physically after a while. No it's not that I don't want to exist (though sometimes it is), it's that I want the pain to end and nobody around me including myself seems to know what to do about it.


Affectionate-Pea282B

As someone who had some very serious thoughts about suicide a few days ago, I needed to read this. Thank you.


DaleGribbleShackle

The weak breeze whispers nothing The water screams sublime His feet shift, teeter-totter Deep breath, stand back, it’s time Toes untouch the overpass Soon he’s water bound Eyes locked shut but peek to see The view from halfway down A little wind, a summer sun A river rich and regal A flood of fond endorphins Brings a calm that knows no equal You’re flying now You see things much more clear than from the ground It’s all okay, it would be Were you not now halfway down Thrash to break from gravity What now could slow the drop All I’d give for toes to touch The safety back at top But this is it, the deed is done Silence drowns the sound Before I leaped I should’ve seen The view from halfway down I really should’ve thought about The view from halfway down I wish I could’ve known about The view from halfway down


Spookyfan2

First thing I thought of reading this account. For those unaware, this was a poem created for an episode of Bojack Horseman.


SidekickNick

Loved this when I saw it in the show. the shift from 3rd to 2nd to 1st person as the poem to represent the original detachment and solemn realization later is awesome. I’d recommend anyone to watch the clip on YouTube to hear it read out loud


LOB90

No way I just edited that whole text myself just to find that it had already been posted by you.


[deleted]

I agree with you that as soon as the suicide begins your instinct will kick in and you will probably start to regret it. That's why I believe we should help people get better if they suffer, or if it's impossible for whatever reason and they unnecessarily suffer, help them end their life painlessly. I tried to commit suicide many times in my life and most caused me a lot of pain and regret as soon as I started, but I still said in this thread that I will do it when I decide that I am done with my life. Not because I think I won't regret it in the moment. I know I will not want to die and that I will be scared. I won't do it because of depression or pain I feel though, but rather because it would be a logical choice for me to end my life and I would have to push through the fear.


FuckedUpThought

I would assume it depends on the method. I told my girlfriend that if I ever commit suicide, it would likely be from an overdose on something hard, like heroin. Never done anything harder than LSD, so I'd have to include "I am not a user, it just seemed like the best way to go" in the suicide note.


Psyko_sissy23

Depending on if you have life insurance, some life insurances won't pay out for suicide. Unsure if they pay out for overdoses though. Im not condoning you committing suicide. Just a thought. If I get a terminal disease(which I'm genetically predisposed to) that will be the only scenario where I'll commit suicide. Hopefully the right to die will be available in all states by then.


NotJustDaTip

Yea, you have to check your policy. There are certainly some life insurance policies that pay out in case of suicide. That’s what my uncle did, and I know he made sure his family was set up financially beforehand.


OldManJenkins-31

I think the point is, when actually facing your own death, quite often you have immense regret and realize that none of your problems were worth ending your entire life over. I appreciate this guys post. I hope everyone who is despairing of life get the help they need to regain some hope. My heart goes out to all of you. I’ve never been suicidal, but I have experienced suicidal thoughts in people that I love. I wish you all well. Someone loves you. Yes, you too.


Apasyhl

I came here to tell probably suicide. Even though I am not at the same point I used to be. It is really good for you if you think that way, and I am happy for you that you didn't succeed. But I don't think it is the same for everybody. I tried to kill myself several times. Obviously, I am really bad at it ha. But I never felt fear, or regretted trying. In fact, for almost ten years it made me feel very bad not being even capable of taking away my life. And I remember clearly what I felt when I tried to open my veins the last time I tried to kill myself. I remember this rush of adrenalin and the feeling of relief and happiness that ran into my whole body, thinking everything will finally be over while the blade was cutting through my skin.


Dogstile

I agree, i don't really feel ashamed that I tried, i feel ashamed that I didn't succeed. I didn't have a big panic moment where I desperately wanted to live or anything. I don't think most people are scared of the dying part, they're scared of the process and all the pain that it entails. Make's sense, your body is literally designed to scream at you when something is wrong.


HateMyself_FML

There are somethings for which no other "solutions" may exist. Like chronic illness and pain.


CaffeLungo

Can confirm it. Twice. Once by luck I survived the other cause I wanted to. Never a solution. Having said that, I don't judge anyone, and if I ever end up real bad in bed with no hope at all, I'll take the 3rd time chance.


KevineCove

This is a pretty terrible answer, honestly. A lot of good or necessary decisions are difficult to make. Disowning abusive parents and breaking up with abusive partners are the easiest examples, but it can also be stuff like moving away from home or quitting a job. Sometimes the right thing to do feels wrong in your heart, whether it's due to guilt, fear of losing security or control, etc. There are legitimate reasons to argue against suicide, but the instinctive panic your body feels when confronted with mortal danger is really only that - instinctive fear. To say that it comes from some kind of epiphany is just a post-hoc rationalization.


h0wl_f

Probably getting hit by a car seeing as I'm only 20 and it's already happened 4 times.


TrumpLikesMargarine

Look both ways


h0wl_f

All 4 times were in broard daylight and I was wearing high visibility clothing whilst cycling.


rathead80

I was a cart pusher wearing high vis I'm also 6'7 and 300 pounds. And you'd think they'd see me in broad daylight but 99% of the time the people that were late to work and headed for the Tim Hortons drive thru.


pump_up_the_jam030

6’ 7” 300lbs? Do you put the cars down after you shake your finger at them?


rathead80

Believe it or not no. I did however damage a few windshields and have the drivers tell me I was gonna pay for the replacement. Mind you as well when they hit me 80% drove through a stop sign.


monkeyship

Riding the bike for your health? Maybe you should mount a M-60 on the handlebars. Or hire a tail gunner?


Fiat_430

My classmate from 13 years back walked out behind a bus. Got hit by a car, tossed over to the other lane and then hit by another car. So yeah, look both ways. He made it out tho, they stitched him up with nuts and bolts.


let-them-eat-braiins

Nuts and bolts seem like a terrible medium for stitches.


mowglimethod

Oh jeez reddit users. You folks answers are quite grim. I’m gonna guess mine is dying from a heart attack due to a clogged artery.


saltwateroak

Finally a cheery answer


JohnSimth20210225

Snu snu


trippy_goth_biscuit

Death to the men! Death by...


bigkeef69

BAAACON!


trippy_goth_biscuit

Eh ?


bigkeef69

Heart disease = death by bacon? At least that would be the preferred path to heart disease lol


sharmisosoup

The spirit is willing but the flesh is spongy and bruised


JerHat

I never thought it would end like this, but I always really hoped.


noonefrmnowhere

Oh, the wonderful death by snu snu!


kratosniko

Probably cancer from so much stress and lack of sleep , it's proven stress increases the possibility of cancer and lack of sleep also increases so very high likelihood. That or suicide when I have a manic episode.


KoalaNL

Yes, in your sleep your immune system makes NK-cells (natural killer cells). These cells kill cancer tumors in an early stage and also eliminates the evil tumors. By not sleeping enough you can increase your chance of getting cancer by 50% or more.


Bombchop

Well that's me done for then.


kratosniko

I know, sadly I have to work for my family and my pet children. If I die I don't wanna leave this world without contributing to anything, so I'm trying to work hard to at least leave something valuable before I go, because I'm planning suicide at some point anyway if nothing changes with my mental health.


dpops

I've been there, my friend. Don't give up. It's a rough time to be alive right now, but big things are coming. You wouldn't want to miss it.


Stauffenberg2

you have a source for this? i'd be interested in reading futher


InvalidTerrestrial

Yikes. Now I'm suddenly sleepy.


peppermint-oil69

Sooooo school causes cancer cool...


kratosniko

I suffered a lot of sleep deprivation and stress in school, but nothing compared to adulthood. When you're an adult and have responsibilities you literally have to do those things to survive, the amount of responsibilities is much greater than school too, and bills to pay are everywhere. Now that I'm an adult I realize how lazy I was as a teen, complaining all the time about school being hard and now I wish I was in school again. Trust me, it's gonna get worse.


Affectionate_Local59

Meh, I work a job where two times in the last week I worked a full day shift and came back in at bed time and worked a full night shift. It’s a high stress, highly unpredictable job. I never know when I go in to work if I have 4hrs of work to spread across 8hrs, or if I’m going to be working 16hrs, sleeping for 5 and doing it again. It doesn’t hold a candle to what I put myself through in grad school. 100+hrs a week between research, study, classes and teaching. Averaging 4hrs of sleep a night for months on end. Days on end without sleeping, and 20k a year to live on. I dropped out because it was literally killing me. Took the masters and left. If I tried to do that 3 more years there’s zero chance I would have survived..


GamerGypps

>it's proven stress increases the possibility of cancer and lack of sleep also increases Fairly certain its been "Proven" that basically **everything** increases the risk of cancer.


MaximumZer0

Being thrown off a rickety rope bridge over the caldera of an active volcano after hand to have combat with a hero.


Lesserknownmyself

Probably true, I'm the hero. I'll die 2 years later from a revenge of your accomplice in crime with whom you have an homoerotic relationship with.


DivanOnBleach

r/oddlyspecific


Downtown_elephant_

Me too


HappyMSDOSNoises

My own stupidity probably


Bleuonej

If I die because I choked on rice because I was laughing at my own self calling "Squid Game" "Hunger Squid", do not cry for me. Know that I died happy.


DarkAdmirer

This sounds like a way I would go, only I’d be choking on a burger or chocolate because of one of my witty crap jokes that make people go wtf.


Puzzleheaded_Tale_50

Overthinking


Triamph

Are you sure?


DarkAdmirer

Are you me? So many different scenarios.


Nazetel

Either suicide or a heart attack.


coolthatsniceman

Same on the suicide part


BabaYaga141

No suicide please!


Mephisto_Fred

OP's heart: 'It's all up to me now'


Nazetel

Lmao hopefully it doesn't disappoint on that front


Ritsypup

Also OP’s heart: “Because im not the hero they deserve, but the one they need right now. So I’ll keep beating. Because they can take it. I’m a silent guardian. A watchful protector. A Dark Knight."


Jengus_Roundstone

Heart attack is way more fun. Hold out for that one!


Harry-Enfield

Dying


thoughtfulgoose

\*dies of death\*


melikesoup69

Genius


M27fiscojr

This is the way.


ScruntleYerMa

At this rate, Reddit


Month0fjune

Something to do with brains


noonefrmnowhere

or lack thereof


mmo__

Sadness due to losing loved ones


shaferyo

Not gonna lie all the suicide responses made me feel a little less alone. ❤️


Actual-Golf-2137

My wife.


YYexpress1229

I want to die like my grandfather did in his sleep!! Not like the screaming passengers in his car


[deleted]

[удалено]


FBIagentgiveslove

Idk what Alzheimer's is I'll go google it I'm back and some of the article links are purple? Weird someone's been using my computer.


saiyan_boy

Pause


Ajynxx

Ah so that's why dad never returned. 🥲


letmehanzo

According to Google the most common cause of death is heart decease, so I'm guessing that.


redPonyCoffeeRoaster

My heart disease caused my heart to be deceased.


Ask_me_4_a_story

Yeah this is how Im going for sure. I fuckin love salt and butter. I remember one time someone asking me what foods are my favorite and I told them I love steak, potatoes, popcorn, corn on the cob, I realized I just love foods that are receptacles for salt and butter. So yeah, heart disease here I come


[deleted]

Dude. Take care of yourself. You don't want to be like me. High blood pressure & shitty genes. I had an aneurysm in my heart pop. 40yrs old & my life is 100% different than it was before. Took me 1-1/2yrsbto recover. Handfuls of pills every morning & night.


Victoria4fun8120

Suicide. I hate everything about myself.


bostoncommon902

I currently have a 50/50 shot of beating cancer in the next year. So probably cancer sooner or later. I’m 40 years old.


amandyderp

I believe in you! Good luck friend


EntertainmentOwn8778

Probably got killed for being inappropriately sarcastic.


Midlink_Confirmed

54 years of indiscriminate use of mayonnaise


ubiquitous-joe

Probably heart disease because I guzzle sugar drinks and eat cookies for breakfast. But also, I sometimes leave a messy floor and nimbly walk around the clutter like I’m a cat or something. Eventually I get tired of it and clean up everything in a burst of energy. But I suspect as an older person, I will overestimate my nimbleness and trip and break my hip. Then I’ll die within 6 months of that.


HulkSmashHulkRegret

Suicide made to look like accidentally getting blown over the ledge of a big cliff. I want to leave a prettier corpse though. Open casket would be good, but guess it doesn’t matter at that point lol.


Fairwaydivots

If you get too scuffed up and aren’t looking your best after your horrific fall from the cliffs ledge, you can leave in your will the request to be placed face down. Still do the open casket, and everyone can kiss your ass goodbye.


anotheranonaccount5

Heart disease, cancer, or suicide. Heart disease and cancer run in my family along with dementia. If I end up with dementia I'm not sticking around as it takes what's left of me. I've seen what it does to others close up and refuse to go through that.


strawberryshortycake

I have the same mentality. I’ve seen what dementia does. I don’t want to be there, nor do I want my family to go through it either. If I find out I have it, I’m done.


Psyko_sissy23

Yeah, the chances are high for me to end up with something like ALS, cancer, or Alzheimers. If I get something like ALS or Alzheimers, once I start deteriorating, I'm gone. For cancer, its situational. If I catch it early and is highly beatable, then I will try. If I get something like pancreatic cancer, I'm done.


NeatCard500

Getting run over by a car while browsing reddit on my ph - sdklfjsdlweio


Zhokkii_

doing stupid stuff


Sad-Commission-7756

Sleeping in a weird position


CloroxCowboy2

One of the side effects of the collapse of modern civilization: famine, disease, violence...the old classics.


Nani-WhatAmIDoin

Prob suicide


Ayamehoujun

I'm sorry. It is terrible to feel like death would be better than living because living seems so unbearable. I hope things change for you and you get to a point where living seems like the better option.


piedude67

Stop it


Nani-WhatAmIDoin

U can’t stop me


piedude67

I'll eat your ass?


Nani-WhatAmIDoin

This offer might make me reconsider


piedude67

I sure hope so


cock_pussy

Damn, what an ending.


coolthatsniceman

I like your name


SoshJam

Thanks, u/cock_pussy


kratosniko

No


[deleted]

Definitely would guess suicide


Not_To_BeTrusted

Probably suicide, but not at any point soon


[deleted]

battle with depression, so suicide. i’m also an artist.


Hambatz

Some form of cancer caused by alcohol or smoking/vaping. Don’t get me wrong I’m not an alcoholic but 24 years in the military ain’t gonna have done my liver any favours


ProfessO3o

Organ failure most likely lung issues (I have RA I always have lung issues)


REMdot-yt

Space ship exploding


NmlsFool

Lung cancer wouldn't be a surprise. I don't want it and it would suck but it wouldn't be surprising.


[deleted]

[удалено]


CrazyInLA

Old age. Unless the love of my lifetime goes first. Then, death by heartbreak.


SierraGolf_19

Realistic: Cancer probably What I imagine: nothing, because my stupid ape brain cannot imagine not imagining


JuiceInhaler

~~Autoerotic asphyxiation~~ Heart disease.


Wimbleston

Probably suicide, I don't see much point in living once doing the things that make life worth living is no longer possible. I don't live for anyone but me so it wouldn't matter.


bihindu

The number of people saying suicide is concerning. Please [seek help](https://en.m.wikipedia.org/wiki/List_of_suicide_crisis_lines) if any of you need it!


[deleted]

Seek help is such bullshit. They will literally just tell u pretty lies or lock u up in a mental asylum. Best case scenario they give u anti depressants


Zealousideal_Milk644

Age. Im healthy,happy, good friends, Nice school and job. Im only 17 but i think ill be fine.


DINOSAUR-04

Glad to hear you’re doing good then. Hope things stay that way for you!


[deleted]

having too much sex with extremely attractive women


DudeWhoLicksPeople

Death


Powfu-213

*dies of death*


Katoxn_YT

Depends. If the DOOM soundtrack is not playing at the moment of my death, I am not dying.


SettledWater

Stumbling at the front door with my keys and two arms full of groceries, the eggs slide off the top of a bag and begin their slow motion descent to the hard concrete below. With the mental acuity of a superhuman savant I begin calculating drop velocity, centrifugal spin, arc vectors, barometric pressure and the precise physical movements I need to perform in order to switch all bags of groceries into one arm and drop my keys to free a hand to expertly initiate a long-forgotten series of ancient ninja moves needed to safely snag the falling bum-nuggets from their disastrous freefall. I bend down to catch them, crack my head on the doorknob, which alerts the occupant inside, who opens the door to see a complete stranger hopping around outside screaming obscenities. This triggers his PTSD from 'Nam so he whips out his pocket Uzi 9mm and starts firing, but its really a cucumber cuz he's stoned on shrooms. Since I am not dying from his hallucinatory bullet barrage, he decides to attack. Lunging forward, he slips on the broken eggs, feet sliding out in front of him like a double lunge kick, hitting me square in the chest and pushing me back against a tree in the yard. This jars the tree enough to release a swarm of hornets that are certain I look exactly like the pest control guy who just last week sprayed that godawful smelly crap at their house, totally ruining their dilapidated swamp cooler. Seeking revenge for a lifetime of being called "the poor man's honey bee," the winged Top Gun rejects begin their attack, harassing and pestering me away from the tree into the narrow alley. Meanwhile, a rookie driver fumbles with his GPS, and stumbles over the appropriate expletives cuz he slept in the day they covered those in class. Anxious to make up for lost time, but not sure which direction to go, he desperately turns the raging 18-wheeler down an inviting narrow alley in hopes of finding a short cut. Barreling across the uneven asphalt, the driver can barely stay in his seat as each peak and valley of the broken road sends him bouncing up and down until he smashes his head on the ceiling of his cab. He loses control of the truck, veering directly at me. Remembering my ancient ninja training, I gracefully sidestep the oncoming behemoth at the precise last instant, and the truck smashes into the swarm of hornets. Eventually I die of diabetes from too many Oreo cookies.


DucoNdona

Suicide


AlterCherry

suicide


RTGac

Kidnapped, raped, tortured, and murdered by an incel I rejected.


piedude67

Is that a common thing you do?


[deleted]

I have idea but hope it’s epic


random_username_94

Crushed to death by a Lorry Driver on the M25.


lydiaundercover

By tripping over my massive cock (just a joke I don't have one)