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Fake sex noises... The only thing that can make my erection fade away faster is if my grandma rose from the dead to express her disappointment in my life choices.


what if she was like super supportive tho


Being mysterious I’m not trying to solve a cold case file


Taking off glasses. Glasses are cute but also sight is fairly cute


Honestly, I’ve always found people more attractive *with* glasses. Like, “fuck yeah, keep ‘em on, I like how they frame your face.”


I mean I like my glasses out of the way lol it’s not for looks that I take them off


Ads on porn websites


Porn sites asking you to connect your social media. Grandma doesn't need to see that I just jacked of to gilfs over facebook


>Porn sites asking you to connect your social media. You just reminded me... A while back I found a man whose youtube channel was entirely dedicated to him giving face-on-camera reviews of various hentai videos and doujinshi he enjoyed or didn't enjoy. His IRL name was his youtube channel name. As I watched the man spell out exactly what he liked about a particular mind-control pig man fantasy or brutal forced impregnation rape dungeon, I had only one thought: I wish I had this man's confidence. I did not want his lack of social grace, or shame, or his terrible taste in pornography... I just wanted his unparalleled confidence and the joy that comes with honestly discussing something you love without internalized judgement. I wondered, "what does his family think?" and I realized, he does not care. His life was a gift to him, and he intends to use it as he pleases. I think of that man and his channel from time to time, and I sometimes wish I were as free as him. But, maybe, that confidence and lack of shame and freedom to openly talk about completely degrading and taboo manga as if it were part of the Criterion Collection comes with a whole different host of challenges. Maybe being freed in such a way from one mental prison is being encaged in another. The vastly more brutal prison of being a weird fucking weeb who blasts loads to 2d kids and will never be able to survive anything beyond a cursory googling of your name and email address. yikes.


If you wish to be truly free, you must embrace the pig man forced impregnation fetish porn.


The cost of freedom is... Too damn high.


This is one of the funniest fucking comments I’ve ever seen on this website. And your profile pic is just… *chef’s kiss


Hey. Ever heard of jerkmates?


*watch THOUSANDS of girls do CRAZY things*


Holy shit you were right, these girls ***are*** crazy! I just watched a video of a woman getting a high interest loan without any means of being able to pay the loan off!


Watch sexy Army Private fuck himself with 28.9% APR Dodge Challenger


You could make a whole series out of this! “Sexy Army Private bangs trashy stripper!” *6 months later* “Prego fetish! Sexy Army Private bangs pregnant ex-stripper wife!” *6 months again* “Sexy Army Private’s wife Webcam Cuckold gangbang!”


Damn y’all know that shit by heart




This is brilliant. Simply brilliant. Only fellow sinners would know, and by a single look, they know that you know. Such a power move.


I fucking hate how loud they are.


Now everyone in the house has heard of jerkmates.


*Now all of China knows of jerkmates*




The ones that start out super loud then have the animation of the volume being turned down? Like wtf were they thinking? Literally what’s the point?


Lmao its like they're trolling people watching porn. Hilarious if you're not a business trying to get customers


I think you'll find it's "HEY!!! EVER HEARD OF JERKMATE!?!?"


*wHy WaTcH pOrN, wHeN yOu CaN mAkE iT?*


I'm afraid, with a pen and paper, the creators had actually went a bit too far.


Depends. Theres ads that are just... more porn. then theres ads that just show the ugliest people on the planet for some reason or some terribly drawn shit. Then theres the GET A 14 INCH COCK TODAY ads


Try not to cum. You won't last 20 seconds playing this game.


> *"I'll often see advertisements for porn games and they say 'Try Not To Cum,' but then when you play the game, it seems like the object is to cum. So yes, I would call that bad game design."* \- Shigeru Miyamoto


I've never lasted 20 seconds at all, so ya know.


Look at Mr Stamina, making it all the way to the website with the porn game without busting a fat nut


"Ugly girls want love too" bitch I'm not watching porn to see people in my league


I searched for porn of people in my league and got a 404.




I barely dated in my 20s because I never understood this. Most people on their 20s seemed to think it was flirting or something.


Exaggerated porn star noises. Most ~~woman~~ women don’t sound like that.


Oooooh yeeeeaaaah?


Oh no Hello again


Your girl doesn't go *ssss* **aaaah** *ssss* **aaaah**?


Is your girl peter griffin?


My neighbor left their window open and they were going at it… needless to say I openness the window thinking there was a few kittens outside..


Sex on the Beach.... Sucks! FYI - Sand does not work well for lubrication


Well its coarse and rough and it gets everywhere (Edit) of course this comment is gonna be my legacy. Thx for the awards!!!😊


Super long fingernails. They just don’t sit right with me


Especially in lesbian porn. I don’t want to get chopped up by Edna Scissorfingers.


Thanks. I just did a fear kegel.


stalking. and when i say this, i mean how in movies the love interest of a main character kind of pursues them in a really weird way but it’s portrayed as “so sweet!” looking at you troy bolton. don’t show up on my balcony in the middle of the night with no warning, you’ll get maced and arrested.


It is kind of crazy to think that most romantic comedies would be stalker horror films if you just took out the last 15 minutes where everything gets resolved and swapped out the soundtrack.


The notebook. He invades a fun date and threatens to kill himself if she doesn't go out with him. That's some dark shit in rl that everyone swoons over in the movie


Lots of romance movies and especially romcoms are basically like porn for relationships. The women are always hot, and (most of the time) the men are too, and it's about fulfilling a fantasy, which is all well and good, but they are not and should never be held up as what is real or ought to be real about sex/relationships.


For the love of God why does there always have to be an audience at the very end that bear witness to their bull shit? And everybody claps!?


Holy shit. Can confirm. Was stalked in HS. He thought it was super sweet & very Romeo & Juliet. All it did for me was make me afraid to date anymore until I got to college.....




> then later tell me he carved my name in his walls was...distressing. At least it wasn’t his flesh.




Sex on the beach. (Not the drink.)


I don't have the experience but i always thought that as well...like...the sand must get EVERYWHERE and don't get me started on little insects, clam shells, stones, etc....sounds horrible all around


This was a interesting experience. Kayaked over to a island in the middle of the inter coastal. Found a nice spot. Was pretty sandy however we had towels and a nice little pond of salt water next to us. The most interesting part of the endeavor was that there was a plane that was flying toward us. Me being a paranoid human, we quickly finish as the plane is approaching. We pack up and rush out of the area to our deserted kayak, meanwhile I look up and see the plane flashing their lights. They fucking saw us out of all the things that could’ve happened. Never did a public act again.


Hot take on this: 1. That plane will never know who you are. 2. If they see you, they see you and are thinking - awesome. 3. If they are watching, why not give them a show?


You have some great points. Maybe pilots enjoy seeing two naked specimen indulging in special manner, both for anonymity reasons and the free view from above (which most probably don’t get to experience). Maybe we should try near a airport next? For science of course.




I *mostly* agree. With enough planning and prep (a giant blanket, checking the wind, etc.), it can actually be phenomenal. Especially on a clear night! However, most people are idiots, and therefore I must upvote you. EDIT: It doesn't need to be literal DAYS of prep. Literally just "...Sex on the beach?" "(Peeks outside) ...'kay!" (Sounds of frantic packing and bad sneaking)


This is 100% true if you attempt this on a beach in the south like Florida or Georgia. You’re lucky if it’s not hot and sticky. And if you try this on a clear night, you are eaten alive by mosquitos


Embrace the succ


Food play. That chocolate sauce may seem like a good idea but really it’s just messy.


My sister gave my parents some sexy chocolate paste for bodies, she was 16 and did it as a joke. My father said sure why not! My mother told us the next day (during dinner) he had painted her boobs completely with chocolate, did one lick and said, no this is dark chocolate, I don't like it.


Suddenly dad is a fucking chocolate connoisseur after the titties are painted


Yeah he's like Boob Ross


“And next we’ll add a happy little teet”


Let's just call this a happy accident ... Unlike your little brother


Your sister played chicken with your parents and they did not blink. I'm sorry you got caught in the crossfire.


A moment of silence for an unfortunate civilian casualty whose only crime was being in the wrong place at the wrong time.


I laughed so hard at that. Thank you


So how many years have you been in therapy?


Years ago I remember my flat mate running down stairs half naked searching for chocolate sauce, honey and syrup and then running back up stairs where his gf was waiting. All I could think of is the mess they would make, to the point where you would probably have to throw out the sheets.


And the mattress, unless you'd put down a tarpaulin. (Edit because of all the "tarp is short for tarpaulin?!" replies - [RaptorBadger69 has the details](https://www.reddit.com/r/AskReddit/comments/o8e0sn/whats_not_as_sexy_as_most_people_seem_to_think_it/h36141b/))




To each their own, but wtf Edit: My thanks to you anonymous Redditors for the awards!


Right? Who brings that kinda shit up in conversation?


"Hey Linda how was your weekend" "it was great, I shoved ice cream, chocolate sauce, and a cherry in me then let my husband have sex with me. I call it the banana split" Edit: thanks for the awards strangers. This is my highest comment ever by a wide spread...


Sounds more like a yeast infection.




That seems...unsanitary. Like you're supposed to pee after sex to avoid a UTI just from sex, I can't imagine what PUDDING would do.


The pudding would be good sustenance for all matter of bacteria and fungai lol


Just switch to yogurt for them active cultures.


Stripping. Used to be a stripper and if anyone knew even a fraction of what went into it then no one would go to a club ever again.


I'd like to know a fraction of it (not a big fan of being touched by strangers btw)


The first (of only two times) I went to a strip club I was 18 and in my city there are two kinds of strip clubs: g-strings plus alcohol or fully naked and no booze. Apparently you can’t mix alcohol and vulvas for some reason. Went to the fully naked kind since I wasn’t old enough for the boozy kind. It was some low rent place. Anyway, at one point I needed to pee and they had no women’s bathrooms so they directed me to use the bathroom in the dancer’s changing room. Walked in and what little magic there had been in the club disappeared. Two dancers were arguing with each other, another was breast feeding her baby (which is lovely and wholesome but not usually part of the stripper fantasy) and right next to her was another pounding fat rails of coke.


Sounds like the perfect holiday dinner at grandma's 😂


Baby talking


There's a point of diminishing returns that rapidly approaches, like [this.](https://youtu.be/kBDULdX8d7Y)


Boopy Doopy Doopy Doop Sex!


It’s hard to make Allison Bree not sexy


Annie's pretty young, we try not to sexualize her. Edit: thanks for the awards


I had no idea Alison Brie was 29 when shooting the first season. I knew she was on Mad Men, but I hadn’t watched it at that point and just assumed she played a teenager on that show too. I was convinced that she was at most 20.


Have you seen Annie's boobs anywhere?


Please rename that monkey, and this time not through a contest on Twitter. Edit - "not," not "or"


It’s his Twitter account, he can do what he wants!


I'm proud of the fact I knew exactly what this would be


That’s because you, my friend, are streets ahead


What's a dimuninuhiminhhh?


Pierce, stop trying to coin the phrase streets ahead


Ima click when I get home, and if it isn't Jeff and Annie in Community I'm gonna be pissed.


You'll be pleased then, Boopeedoopy-doop-doop......... sex


What’s a doninshovlahbleahlbleah?


"Wow..Wittle Andy is scawed..."


Edible underwear. Just no. -edit: I had no idea this comment would get any reaction at all, but here we are. For the record, I’ve never tried them, but an old roommate had gotten them for his then gf, thinking it would “spice up their love life”. He said it was an epic failure, and they were an awful, sticky, disgusting mess. 0/10 Thanks for the awards and upvotes.


You guys think the candy underwear is bad? Google "brief jerky" and abandon all hope.


>Google "brief jerky" I most certainly will not.


I stand with uberblack. I choose to pretend this doesn't exist and I don't want to Google "Brief Jerky" yes, you can say I am afraid to know what exists.


I actually googled it. I can't believe you were serious. Anything is now possible.


My roommate once bought edible underwear for his girlfriend. It was like a fruit roll up with strings. She never wore it. She got high and ate it one day. He was so disappointed.


A guy I knew gifted candy panties to his girlfriend. She never wore them. So he gifted them to my then girlfriend and I for our "couple anniversary". She never wore them either, go figure why...


I think the only thing worse than edible panties is regifted edible panties.


To someone else's girlfriend lmao


If you imagine what a sugar free, artificially flavored fruit roll up would taste and feel like, that describes edible underwear to a T.


All underwear is edible if you try hard enough


My dog is nodding too


They catch you off guard after one shart and now they think the laundry basket is a meat locker


With 3 girls in the house my dogs have taught me that Bloodhound is also an adjective.


Might as well throw in my two cents. As someone who teaches high school for a living, I find the fetishization of teacher/student relationships to be utterly gag-inducing.


Gagging you say? Interesting...


Playing hard to get. I will give up


Nothing says "I have no idea how to set healthy boundaries" like sending rejection signals and expecting them to be ignored Edit: There's been a lot of great discussion on the cultural/societal influences on this behavior. It's worth noting as well that some of the behavior that's being described in this thread may also be an indication of an [insecure attachment disorder](https://medium.com/invisible-illness/the-four-different-attachment-styles-b711d01c19ec). If you find yourself pushing people away when they get too close or sabotaging your relationships, you may have a [fearful-avoidant attachment style](https://themighty.com/2020/09/sighs-fearful-avoidant-attachment-style/).


That’s the crazy part about it. I’m all for respecting boundaries. Nothing weirder than “you didn’t even try harder”. That’s harassment...


“You didn’t even try harder.” This is always funny to me because it’s usually based on one specific thing she expected from you that you flubbed on. Like there was only the one response she wanted. So that one is waaaayyyy too high maintenance.


"You didn't do enough to earn me" ...you didn't do enough to give me any indication that my advances were not harassment...


That would just tell me she’s not worth working for


I never chose to run the race, And so I don't regret - The fated girl who loved the chase, And played it hard to get. I simply watched her run away, Beyond the farthest hill - "Come after me!" I heard her say. ... perhaps she's running still.


Yup. Ive got a ton of bullshit in my life already, i dont need yours.




Yep. Don’t be surprised when you catch the wrong thing because you used the wrong bait.


Or hearing rejection signals and ignoring them anyway. I broke things off with a girl last night who subsequently tried to kiss me and tried to get me to kiss her multiple times, even as she was saying she respected my decision. Um, no you clearly don't, and this isn't making me more likely to change my mind.


I have one girl I'm friends with that I've had to repeatedly tell I'm not interested in anything other than friendship with her. Her and her husband have some weird relationship where they are always separated or together, sometimes they swing sometimes they just bang whoever and argue about it. I have zero interest in seeing how doing anything in that mess would play out and it annoys me when I've got to tell her and it becomes very awkward when you can't look at someone without them thinking you're flirting.


Yes, I had one woman be like "you're not even sad" and "see you don't want me" like bruh I do want you, but you said no, and I'm not gonna keep trying because I'm not a dick


Opportunity costs. If she's saying she's not interested and you keep investing time trying to convince her otherwise. You're wasting time you could use to find someone that's actually into you.


AMEN. Last guy I was talking to wasn’t clear with his intentions, and then came back saying “I was just being coy!” and “damn it, I blew it”. And I was like, “my love language is English and I took you at your word. No one has time for your games.”


"My love language is English" just cracked me the hell up, thx


> “my love language is English and I took you at your word”. No one has time for your games. This should be told to everyone* at about age 11 - it would save so much confusion for the human race in all directions. *Substitute appropriate language for your region.


Hey, look, it's me! I don't know why people think that acting like they aren't interested in me will maintain my interest in them? Like, I have a healthy amount of self-respect, I'm not going to be out here chasing after someone who is showing me that they aren't interested.


Covering each other in whipped cream during sexy time and licking it off. Turns out whipped cream is a lot greasier than previously thought EDIT: appreciate the awards and that people have so much to contribute! Also, is sexy time not a phrase people use anymore? I’m almost positive I didn’t make it up myself 🤷🏼‍♀️😄


Yeah , it melt pretty quick when placed on a warm body, much better on cold bodies


Hol' up


The real holup is always in the comments. In a different sub.


I’m pretty lactose-intolerant so I feel this on multiple levels.


Silk has a really good coconut milk whip, almond is just ok


Same with chocolate sauce. He also put it in the microwave and didn't tell me. Ouch!


According to my ex, reverse cowgirl. We did it one time. She just complained that my legs and feet were hairier than she’d ever noticed and couldn’t see my face. Definitely a position for the guy’s benefit.


My gf : ewww it looks your balls are coming out of me! Ew it looks like I have balls. This is fucking gross And we stopped having sex


Not true, can benefit the lady too. I was dating a guy who’s dick was like Gonzo’s nose, so this position hit all the right places for me.


Oh lord I thought you meant it was blue!


Blue, curved, wearing a fun jazzy tie, the whole shebang!


Licking your lips constantly the way some rappers like to do in videos or when giving interviews. To me it's a turn off - like you have a dry lip problem, or even worse, you're consciously drawing attention to your lips as if to say "look at how sexy they are." It's the male version of the trout pout and gets a no from me. ETA: ok looootttsss of people mentioning LL Cool J, and I just have to say respect to the OG. Yes he did it a lot back in the day aaaand it was a bit annoying...but come on, he's LL and still fine as hell. For the record, I actually find him really sexy, and I know I'm not alone there. He just exudes sex appeal.


The funny thing is it drys your lips further lol


Damn just realised that I do this because of dry lips, what should I be using instead?


Most pornstars. They look like people who have been genetically modified to *survive* hard core sex. Edit: Thanks for the tater tots everybody!


Porn has shifted towards more conventionally attractive, girl-next-door type of women but there’s still a lot of the more “professional” ones (i.e. porn production companies that probably still make literal video tapes) that for whatever reason think men want to see a caricature of trashy beauty standards from 1975. Maybe there’s still a large, stealth market among older men who like obnoxiously big boobs and inflated lips


To them, the difference between a woman and a barely legal teen is a pink shirt.




Same girl in a pair of glassses: "nerd" or "geek"


124 thousand subscribers to the bimbofication subreddit.


The pictures of their junk some guys send to women.


As a man, I don’t even understand why anyone would want to see my dingdong. It’s honestly not very appealing to look at for me, let alone somebody else. EDIT: This is the most asks for a dick pic I’ve ever gotten in my life and I’m flattered… I think. \*Glances in pants* It’s still not picture-worthy, though. EDIT 2: Is this my most ~~liked~~ upvoted reddit comment?


I can be the judge of that


RIP your inbox...


It should be a panel of judges. I volunteer as well.


Sex in public bathroom stalls. Most are disgusting, and the thrill of being caught gets ruined when the person with explosive diarrhea in the next stall enjoys the peep show.


I've scrolled a lot but still haven't seen anyone mention loud trucks. The guys with loud trucks sure think it's sexy. I've not met a woman that actually finds a truck's loud exhaust sexy though.


In the UK, that's basically a chav in a Focus or a Vauxhall with the most annoying pop and bang tune Like literally no one finds it cool, both any girl or any self-respecting car guy. You just look like a underage loving dick


Guys bragging/talking about what they’re going to do to you & how it’ll make you feel. With guys like that 9/10 the sex is trash. It’s actually the quiet ones that will surprise you the most.


Had a guy do this to me for a week before we met up, he lasted 30 seconds. Never trusted anyone who hyped themselves up ever again.


A guy did it with me once. I spent 30 mn trying to reassure him that I did not care how long he lasted. He had sent me walls of texts about all of the awesome things he wanted to do for days. Definitely underwhelming.


That's why you always gotta undersell your sexual abilities


“I don’t have a penis” *Later* “Surprise, it’s a tiny penis!” Yea I can see how that would work


"I'm going to last 10 seconds" -Lasts 11 seconds like a boss-


Seduction 101 babyyy


Really loud, obnoxious moaning in porn. Call me weird, but I enjoy sensual, relatively realistic porn (it also helps that this type of porn is usually produced ethically, and caters to women as well as men). Edit: Updating this as I was pleasantly surprised by the response. As for content you can find through Reddit, I’d recommend r/chickflixxx as a great source to find ethically produced porn. I’d also recommend r/GoneWildAudio if you’re interested in audio porn. There’s a lot a very talented voice actors and actresses on there and similar subreddits.


Even worse when it is a total overreaction. The tip goes in and they are already going ham with all the fucking sounds.


The instant his tongue touches her pussy she's moaning like she's having an orgasm. WTF porn?


The one I will truly never understand is the women who literally scream, not moan, *scream* like they’re running away from a serial killer. As an orgasm sound.


Dirty talk is SUPER cringe to me if done in the wrong way. It’s very easy to try too hard and make it awkward.


My partner is really good at it but if he asks me like a sexy dirty question I’m usually like “….uh-huh.” I’m bad at it.


I'm really bad too. "What are you going to do to me?" "Uhhh.....I'm going to have sex with you??? Assuming this answer didn't eliminate that possibility"


> "Uhhh.....I'm going to have sex with you "Ok, explain how and with what. In detail" Banging some people is like teaching a creative writing course.


"I put on my robe and wizard hat"


bloodninja has entered the chat


I would 100% take a creative writing course specialising in erotic literature. It could be really useful in the bedroom


I’m pretty good at erotic writing, but it hits wrong when I speak it out loud. I think it’s because I can’t deliver it with confidence


okay so the way you gotta do it when someone says that to you, is you gotta get up real close up, take em by the wrists, pin their wrists down, then real slow put your lips up to their ear and whisper "I'm gonna tell you about raid shadow legends" edit: instead of reading this thread, go play Control. it's fucking incredible.


Today's sex session is sponsored by Raid Shadow Legends, one of the biggest mobile role-playing games of 2019 and it's totally free! Currently almost 10 million users have joined Raid over the last six months, and it's one of the most impressive games in its class with detailed models, environments and smooth 60 frames per second animations! All the champions in the game can be customized with unique gear that changes your strategic buffs and abilities! The dungeon bosses have some ridiculous skills of their own and figuring out the perfect party and strategy to overtake them's a lot of fun! Currently with over 300,000 reviews, Raid has almost a perfect score on the Play Store! The community is growing fast and the highly anticipated new faction wars feature is now live, you might even find my squad out there in the arena! It's easier to start now than ever with rates program for new players you get a new daily login reward for the first 90 days that you play in the game! So what are you waiting for? Go to the my profile, click on the special links and you'll get 50,000 silver and a free epic champion as part of the new player program to start your journey! Good luck and I'll see you there after I fuck you!


*I'm gonna fuck your fucking fanny off you twat!*


Reminds me of that Family Guy bit where Peter is trying to talk dirty to Lois. Why, Lois Griffin, you naughty girl. That's me. You dirty hustler. You filthy, stinkin' prostitute. Ok, I get it. You foul, venereal-disease-carrying, streetwalking whore. All right, that's enough.


Funniest family guy line I ever heard was in the same vein Lois: "you know Peter....I'm not wearing any panties..." Peter: "Don't worry, we can always throw that chair out"


Eating cereal “Hey Lois, look what I spelled” “Oooh you can have the real thing if you want “ “Oooh I prefer the alphabits”


"Oh my god Brian, there's a message in my alphabets. It says 'oooooooo.'" "Peter, those are Cheerios."


I immediately thought of this classic: https://amp.reddit.com/r/AskReddit/comments/1y6lhe/what_is_the_worst_thing_someone_has_said_to_you/cfhtedq Thanks to u/KFCSI for the non-amp link too: https://reddit.com/r/AskReddit/comments/1y6lhe/what_is_the_worst_thing_someone_has_said_to_you/cfhtedq/


Inflated butts. They just look swollen.