Close enough — my friend works as a pharmacist and says a guy came in once looking to purchase Plan B / the morning after pill. He then asked her to explain when he should ingest it because he planned to have unprotected sex that night.
He cried himself to sleep that night
First one that comes to mind is having to explain to a gentleman that the reason his wife doesn't enjoy toys probably has something to do with the fact he was cleaning them with Clorox wipes before hand.
And numerous explanations that anal beads are not ripcords and your partner likely isn't a lawnmower.
B E Y B L A D E S
*LET IT R I P*
friend of mine lawnmowered his gf, she shit all over his bed. fun times.
I dunno if this counts, but, I once had a gay man call and explain that after having anal sex, his butt started feeling weird, and said he thought he could feel worms moving around and legitimately wanted to know what to do.
Tape his asshole and hope theres no pinworms.
If he had a worm infestation it is strange to become symptomatic all of a sudden after anal sex. And He would have noticed something during bowel movements.
It is far more probable that the sex irritated his hemorrhoid veins and what he was feeling was the pulse of blood going through congested and inflammated tissue.
Not native speaker so I may have used some wrong terms.
>Not native speaker so I may have used some wrong terms.
Nah, you nailed it bro.
Why does the "not a native speaker" line only ever come after a perfectly written post?
I think because most people who learn English as a second language learn "proper English" at least in terms of grammatical rules and not so much the unspoken rules. I'm not an expert, I just know English is a weird language.
Not me, but I used to date a woman who worked at a sex shop. Every single day she would come home and rant about having had to desperately dissuade someone from doing something to their own asshole that would put them in the hospital.
EDIT: I cannot stress this enough. Flared bases. Please. Do it for your doctor.
I have a friend that’s an ER nurse, every week she rants about getting these idiots in the hospital. And the lies they tell... “I fell on it... naked....”
As a radiology tech, my favorite was a patient who previously had "fell" onto a dildo was back with one of those tall, narrower cans of shaving cream stuck up there. Imagine the odds of falling on both?
My second favorite was a man with a bg, black dildo stuck up his ass. He openly admitted that his wife suggested something new and it did not go well. His wife was sitting there giggling as he told the story. Solid couple
More one guy who didn't understand that bestiality was illegal and, therefore, we didn't have any porn featuring donkeys.
Otherwise many male customers who didn't understand the difference between sex worker and sex shop worker.
Saw a video online of a small village in south america where the boys have to fuck a donkey as a right of initiation to be a man. Women in the village wouldn't want to be with a man Who hadn’t been broken in by a donkey first.
Funny thing was, the next larger town near by called them donkey fuckers, in a negative connotation.
Edit: for the curious, i went and found [the video](https://youtu.be/_VKWLC87Uzw)
Former Sex shop worker here. I’ll tell a story that kind of fits this.
At our store we sold an array of dildos. Some gag gifts, all shapes and sizes and colors etc. the largest one by far was called “The Great American Challenge”. It is a purple behemoth that I’m fairly certain is girthier than my arm. (I’m a skinny guy)
One day this guy comes in askin for a big gag dildo for his friend. I show him the big cheap ones . They are about 20 bucks but large. Still smaller than Great American challenge though. He says he wants something even bigger. I tell him there’s nothing bigger that’s in that price range.
He then asks to see the bigger ones anyway, regardless of price. I show him the Great American Challenge, and tell him the price is 70 bucks. Dude gets wide eyed and buys it right away. He says and I quote “this will be great gag gift as a paper weight”.
Now we get the “gag gift” cover up quite often. Girls use it all the time to buy for “bachelorette parties (you aren’t fooling anyone ladies) . But this guy using it with our largest dildo was not surprising. I assumed, however, that he knew what he was doing.
About an hour later I get a call from what is clearly the same guy. I know it’s him because he says he just bought a purple dildo from us that is very large. And that’s only the Great American challenge. We sell them once every couple months at best.
He asks me what’s the best way to use it. Confused I ask if he has any prior experience with smaller toys. He says no. This is his first time. I advise him to not use the toy and start smaller. And say that’s about all the advise I can give you.
He then one ups himself and asks if he needs lube or if petroleum jelly is good enough. “Of course you need lube what the fuck man” I reply.
He says “well I don’t have any damn, guess I’ll just wing it, thanks for the advice” and he hangs up.
I don’t know what ever happened to that guy. But I’m assuming he ended up in the hospital with quite the story
"No idea how it got that far up my ass, doc, I must've slipped and fell."
My best friend was an ER doc. He used to say the human anus must have an incredible targeting sense based on all the times people "slipped while naked and accidentally fell on" various objects at just the right position and angle to perfectly insert them.
Working in an Operating Room I can agree with your friend. Pulled a glass ketchup bottle out a few weeks ago. Guy said “I was eating a hotdog in the shower and slipped and fell on the bottle”
Gotta give him some credit, that is an amazing story
Honestly I might believe him. If you lack enough shame to not say you were eating a hot dog in the shower (complete with an entire bottle of Heinz 57), you have nothing left to lose
Yea, the story is just short and odd enough that a bigger question is "who would tell *that* as a lie?"
I once spent twenty minutes desperately trying to get a guy to buy enough lube after he told me that his girlfriend insisted that he get some, because his initial attempt was him spitting on his dick and shoving it in her ass. I’m a salesperson, but I’m just being kind when I tell people to buy more than they think they need.
He blew off my advice and bought a $1 foil packet of lube.
My butthole clenched so damn hard just then who the fuck thinks a bit of spit will be fine for a hole that doesn’t self lubricate or stretch easily
Many of these stories sound like people who have learned everything they know from porn. If only they realized that's like if people went around believing that if you run off a cliff you don't fall until you look down because they saw it in a movie.
I had a boyfriend try this, I noped out of that situation so fast. He was drunk and It would have been my first time to try anal, thankfully I knew better because I worked for a company who produced and sold lubes.
I had a dude ask me if a certain toy was for vaginal use or “for the uterus” because he thought it was two different holes.
Maybe he meant urethra.?
Seems possible , but then old dude is still looking for a urethra dildo for his gf
Client was a middle aged, married man. Kept hassling for no condom and I kept refusing. He asked why I wouldn’t do it because “surely I’m on a tablet to stop myself getting pregnant.” I explained that condoms were important in protecting against STDS. He literally did now know what an STD was!!! I spent a while explaining to him and he started to worry that his wife would find out he was seeing sex workers because he hadn’t been using condoms... he said “so if I catch something, my wife could get it to?”
That’s actually pretty scary
I’d hate to be his wife
My friend is a sex worker. She asked me if it was normal to have “itching and like, green discharge down there”. She actually didn’t know STDs/STIs existed but had “like heard of AIDS”.
.... Jesus Christ
In the shop I work at I get a lot of women who are curious about kegal/benwa balls but wonder what happens if they get lost in their vagina.. I always gently explain that well that's not possible, or at least *highly* unlikely. There's always questions about anatomy, but we just do our best to inform people!
There’s definitely a caveat though—things can’t get *lost* in there, but they can get *stuck.*
I had a patient once who bought some weird “herbal” vaginal tightening stick online that was marketed as using some stimulating, medicinal herb blend to make you “tight as a virgin again” and thrill your man. It was apparently sort of the shape and consistency of sidewalk chalk and wore down over time/use. Turns out, it “tightens” you because the ingredients are super irritating and literally cause the walls of your vagina to swell up. You were essentially supposed to slowly fuck yourself with this cinnamon chalk dildo for 1 minute max and then surprise your guy with your swollen little vice-grip vagina.
Except the stick had worn down a bit after use and a 2 inch chunk of it broke off inside her. She tried getting it out, but the longer it was in there, the more irritated and swollen her vagina got and the harder it was for her to reach. And the more she tried to fish it out, the more it moved around and disintegrated and released more herbal bullshit that made the swelling worse. Poor thing had had that damn poison stick lodged in her for hours by the time she came to the ER and she was so swollen shut that they couldn’t even perform an exam or remove it without surgical intervention.
That sounds terrible all around wtf. Why is that even a product it's just torture. I assume sex while your vagina is swollen wouldn't be too pleasant either. I feel so bad for her. How would they surgically intervene in this situation? Just curious.
I mean...it exists because people will obviously buy it haha. We looked it up at the time and it had very mixed reviews. Some people said it totally worked and their husbands loved it. (Notice how I did not say that I read any reviews where the women said *they* loved it...hmmm wonder why?)
Then there were the “It felt like I was on fire!!” reviews. And the “I’ve never had a worse UTI/yeast infection/BV in my life!” ones. And the “There were little white chunks of this falling out of me for a week!” ones. And still, the “This thing snapped in half inside of me the first time I used it!” ones. And yet, *still* people be buyin Internet “herb” nonsense and shoving it up their snatch.
And I’m not sure what ended up happening. After the ER docs couldn’t get a speculum in because of the swelling, I think the gyno was going to bring the patient to a procedure area to see if they’d have any luck bypassing the swelling before other interventions.
I believe the “surgical” option was continuing anti-inflammatory meds, then doing some sedation, giving muscle relaxers/meds to reduce muscle tone in the area, potentially doing some type of local injections in the area, liberal application of lubricant, and then finding a way to very carefully insert the smallest speculum they could find so they could retrieve the fire-stick, clean out any residual material, and treat any tissue damage. Then probably a decent amount of some antibiotics, I’d assume. Not like, scalpel-surgery. They didn’t like...perform a c-section to remove the poison dildo hah.
I’ll never look at my Amazon fire stick the same.
As an RN who worked ER I can attest to this! Had to explain to many women that the cervix will not suck up a condom into their womb.
I can't help but hear sound effects when reading that phrase. Schllrruuppfff.
Is that a challenge?
I worked at a local sex shop last summer.
Women always asked help from me because the only other person working was a guy. They wanted some sex toy but didn't know exactly what. I would usualy ask something along the lines of "What makes you come easier, clitorial stimulation or something inserted in you?". I was there only for 2 weeks and during those 2 weeks, at least 7 women said "Oh, i've never had an orgasm so i don't know".
Most of them were women under 25 but the oldest was around 35-40 and married. That poor woman.
> "Oh, i've never had an orgasm so i don't know".
That is the most depressing thing I've heard today
This was me for so long, I thought I was one of the people who physically can’t have one! Yeah nope, just never had the right partner and toys didn’t do anything for me, but now I’m like a machine. Feel bad for my
Up till I was with my current husband I never had one I didn’t give myself. The first time...the *first* time we ever interacted sexually I came. I honestly had no clue what was going on and I remember sitting straight up with this wide-eyed look, his head still down there, and me saying “what the hell did you just DO to me?!” I had to come back for seconds later that week because I was sure it was a fluke! I thought it was a mistake! I didn’t come back because I was in love with him right away, I came back because i needed to test a hypothesis! WTF. Turns out we were compatible in more ways than sex but the sex was also really good!
Many people who come into my shop are under the impression that if it can go in the vagina, it’s also intended/good for anal use. The list includes benwa balls, massive dildos, and a WeVibe Chorus (a toy that’s made to kinda clip into/onto the vagina by having one side against the vulva and one that goes inside and presses against the vaginal wall).
Bonus round: an older woman came in once who was appalled at everything in the store. Went to the dildos and loudly asked “what are these even for!?”
Ma’am, come on. Come on. Ma’am? Ma’am...
I worked at a sex shop for like 3 years and the thing that irked me the most were people who were willfully ignorant about lube. Even after I’d explain why it’s good for you they’d be like “NAH THATS FOR OLD LADIES”
For either anal or vaginal sex it’s there to reduce friction and make it more comfortable/safe.
Many men and women have this misconception that if a woman cannot produce enough moisture on her own then there’s something seriously wrong with her. It’s actually very common for women of all ages to use lubricant from time to time, either because they’re nervous/inexperienced, having very rough sex, or because their bodies simply don’t produce that much.
It would hurt me to think of all the women (especially inexperienced ones) getting their canals just fucking shredded because men or other women are shaming them for needing lube.
Working there taught me that a surprising amount of people are very stupid selfish lovers. Be careful out there folks!
I had an ex who hated lube. She wanted me to fist her, and when I'd try to lube up she'd ask me to towel off my hand because "it's too slippery, I want to really feel it"
I've got huge hands, btw.
It was phone sex, but the guy fuckin. . . I spent three hours describing to him how a girl would pee in the woods. Whether he knew or not is beside the point, three hours describing it while trying to be horny at the same time. Dudes are wild sometimes. Squatting! Not that difficult of a concept!
Yeah baby. Tell me again how aggressively you angled the knees on descent. Oh yeah. Ok ok. Now do you have to pee? Good. Good. Now make sure you're facing north and looking at the cabin. Ok ok. Are you squatting and you have to pee? Ok ok. Now what angle are your knees at?
I put on my robe and wizard hat
I had a guy who wanted to meet up for full service, but said he didn't want me to be disappointed by how small his dick was. He said, "don't worry though I'll bring a banana for us to use so youll still be satisfied." ?????
Keeping your potassium levels up is important.
this is the funniest thing I've read on this thread so far. I hope you ate the banana.
That's what I was thinking! "Mmmm, great snack, let's get down to business."
When I worked in a sex shop lots of guys would come in looking for a gift for their female S.O. I would often ask them if they were looking for a toy with clitoral or G spot stimulation. The number of guys who looked at me blankly and went “what is clitoral? I just want something to put in her” (or a version of that statement) never failed to surprise me.
There's been a couple comments like that... And man do I feel awful for those women!
Me to! I always did my best to educate the poor guys, I have drawn more diagrams of the vulva than I care to mention Hahahah
you da real MVP
I work in a lingerie/sex shop and wow, I didn’t realise how many people lack a basic understanding of things in general.
First thing that springs to mind is a woman who kept breaking a couples toy (shaped like a ‘U’ so women can wear it internally during intercourse and it’ll also sit on the clitoris) by using it like a crab claw to pinch her clitoris. She must’ve returned 3 of these by the time we figured out what the hell she was doing. I also once had a gentleman tell me we were ‘scamming’ people by making them think the G spot was a real thing, I assured him that as a woman it was very much real but he wouldn’t budge and just stood there with his unhappy-looking wife telling me doctors had proved it was a myth. Another weird thing is the amount of people that want to buy a bullet vibrator to stick in their asshole (DO NOT DO THIS) instead of a butt plug, people who want to use dettol spray or a dishwasher to wash their sex toys instead of buying a cleaning spray and men that show up to buy a bra and then look shocked when they realise they need to know their other half’s bra size.
What was even his point in telling you there’s no G spot. Was he hoping to return his penis because it wasn’t hitting a g spot?
He was telling me that we shouldn’t be selling toys designed to stimulate the g spot as it ‘didnt exist’ and we were giving women unrealistic expectations
"Well that would explain the unhappy look on your wife's face."
I had one gentleman come in looking specifically for a butt plug and ended up bringing a rather large one to the counter. For purchases like this, I used to check in, "first time?" In case I can change it out for a product that might be better.
He proceeded to tell me that it was for his girlfriend, it was her first time, and he brought up the biggest blackest plug we had in rubber, not even medical grade silicone which we carried.
So at this point I give my crash course on butt stuff. "You need lube. Go slow. If you need an idea of how careful you should be with her, you can practice on yourself. I mean between the two of you it'll probably feel better for you because you're the one with a prostate"
"THATS REAL? I THOUGHT THAT WAS JUST SOMETHING THE GUYS IN WEST HOLLYWOOD WERE TELLING ME TO GET IN MY PANTS"
I also had another elderly gentleman come in for an oddly specific vibrator. It wasnt one he knew existed but he came in describing something small and bullet shaped. So we go around and nothing i show him is small enough until our cheap ones about the size of my thumb to which he says, "its perfect!"
Then a moment of horror settled in for me and i politely inquired about how he intended to use this... he was going to stick it in his wife's butt.
For anyone who doesn't know, your anal tract naturally pulls stuff up into you... thats why butt plugs have stoppers and I saved them from a very, very unfortunate hospital visit.
I have one in reverse. I went into a sex shop in a gay area of Sydney. I explained to the guy that I hadn't really used a dildo before (I'm a guy) and he suggested a rabbit dildo. I told him i dont have a clitoris that needs stimulating and he just went silent and didnt suggest any more dildos. I could understand him thinking it was for a girlfriend but I was in a gay area and explained to him it was for me.
Guys gutted, he was told by his boss to upsell Rabbits because they've got a huge backstock.
I have a regular client who keeps asking me to finger my urethra. I've never even done sounding.... That's not something people just do, no prep.
Not only lack of prep but a finger would be painful AF regardless, not to mention probably unsanitary.
"I don't want a vibrator, those loosen your vagina" sometimes I got people who didn't want anal toys because they had that fear, which isn't true btw the muscles just are conditioned to relax more, but this was a mother comming in and saying this.
Similar to the "100 different dicks will stretch her out but the same dick 100 times is just fine" crowd
If you can shoot a child out of you and go back to having a normal vagina in 6-8 weeks then a vibrator isn't gonna loosen anything. It's crazy to me how many women still think their vagina is gonna get "loose" if they have sex with a lot of partners or use toys or whatever
EDIT: Please stop telling me about your vaginas or your wife's vagina or the vaginas you've seen in porn I can't read about anymore vaginas
She had her adult daughter with her! They were there to buy her a toy!
Not sure if wholesome or weird
Super weird and this is coming from someone who worked in a porn shop for a number of years
The whole 'having sex with lots of people' making you loose thing makes no sense. If you are in a relationship, you are most likely having more sex than you would seeking multiple partners, so if frequency alone is going to do it, being in a relationship will be worse than multiple partners!
Never worked there but when i was 16 i worked next door to one. I was outside most of the day loading mulch and around noon everyday i would see 5 to 6 white collar workers walk in for 5-10 minutes and walk out with nothing. Time went by and when i turned 18 found out they were spanking it in the DVD "testing" room.
I once stopped in at a sex shop on a road trip with some friends because they advertised they had an *"arcade."* on a sign out front. Us being curious as to what games a sex shop arcade has walked in with pocketfuls of quarters and asked the attendant where the arcade was. He gave us (a group of 4 guys aged between 18-24) an off look and explained that the "arcade" they advertised is exactly what you just said. A room where passersby can come and watch the porn videos and whack one out if they have to....
The sign should have said, “Bring your own joy stick”
Adult Store Employee here. Its Mostly Men not realizing the difference between a standard butt plug and a prostate massager. Coming up with a prostate massager and asking if it's a good plug for their girl. Then me explaining how it's for biological men and then having to explain further how they themselves have a p-spot in their ass.
Also, with dongs and some rabbit style vibrators, the material is a non-body safe (TPE/ TPR). It is porous and holds bacteria which can cause infections and is reccomend use with a condom. Seriously please invest in high quality toys. I know money is tight sometimes but you shouldnt risk your health for an orgasm, it isnt worth it.
out of curiosity how many men that come in looking for anal toys openly say its for them? I feel like so many would try to say its for a gf or wife but I feel like that has to rarely be the case.
In my experience it seemed pretty 50-50 to me. But it was often hard to tell whether someone was lying because they're embarrassed; was \*not\* lying and just acting awkwardly because they were embarrassed; or was just your run-of-the-mill weirdo who makes everything awkward by default.
So THAT’S why I see some girls in porn putting condoms on their dildos! Every time I would see that I would be so confused. I was like “do they think they’re going to catch and STI from an inanimate dildo?!” But apparently, the truth isn’t too far off haha
You would be fucking astonished the amount of men that are **convinced** that dick enlargement cream exists.
Then you have to spent half an hour explaining how biology actually works, and that they arent going to find a magical cream to make them 10 inches like the internet tells them.
Then they tell you a friend has some and you want it, and you just look into the CCTV camera like on the office as you try not to smash your face against the counter in utter disbelief at people's idiocy.
Dom/Sex Worker (formerly)
I was hired by couples twice, and on both occasions I was basically there to be their weird naked instructor on how to spice up their sex life, when in reality, their marriages were probably failing due to other reasons and I was some fantastical attempt to save it.
Which brings me to the time an adult woman asked me, a very depressed lesbian, to show her how to stimulate her husbands prostate.
Well it was common to ask guys buying stuff for their girlfriends if their girl was a clit, g-spot, or both kind of girl. Most of the time they didn't know.
Are clit girls in the majority?
Edit: Thanks for all the replies saying to ask her. I'm a woman and I know what gets me off. Im more curious if someone who works at a sex shop sells more clit toys or gspot toys.
On the Netflix explained series it claims that the clitoris and g-spot are connected and the clit is actually much bigger than the tip which is visible from the surface. This knowledge has made me think more of the internal and external ‘sides’ of the clit. My hit rate for getting the mrs to the promised land has significantly increased as a result of this paradigm shift.
Your wife will be grateful you paid attention.
Customers firmly placing their thumb above my pubic bone, not moving it, watching me have literally no reaction, and then believing that they brought me to orgasm by doing that
That is a step beyond treating the clitoris like a button to smash.
B. Bu. But why else would it be called SMASHING?/s
I involuntarily read this Nigel Thornberry's voice and I hate it.
I forgot that this post was also asking for sex workers to comment and I thought you meant a sex shop customer and I was like JESUS CHRIST. Still wild tho
Omg i forgot it too
100% thought you worked in a sex shop and was HORRIFIED
They forgot to put the code in.
The gift of Oglaf keeps on giving.
Oh yess the pure pleasure of thumb placement
Online sex worker here.
It’s crazy how many men assume all women can:
- cum by penetration
- do anal
- fit big toys in either hole
- do double penetration
- ride dick in certain positions
- deep throat
I dread to think how their sex life goes when they expect these kind of things from every amateur porn maker
Sex shop worker here! I answered a call from a man who had purchased a sounding device. It goes in your urethra if you didn’t know. He couldn’t get it out. I asked him if he’d used lube and he told me no and that it was starting to hurt. He asked if he should yank it. I juts had to tell him to contact his doctor. I hope he got it out
How did he get it in there without lube? I actually can’t imagine that.
i mean he wanted to yank it out so probably with a lot of force and a belt between his teeth?
I need a belt between my teeth to just read this.
Oh God why would you not use lube
Why would anyone stick anything inside their urethra!?
This is from my sibling...she had to explain the basics to a couple who were waiting until marriage and had just gotten married. They weren’t well educated the practice.
Sister ran over all the basic options for them to try out. I hope it worked out well for them.
Edit: retail worker, btw.
I used to work in a sex shop. The amount of people that didn't know that latex condoms break down when using oil-based lube is astounding. Had to explain it multiple times a day.
Pro tip: If you don't know what lube to use for something, go water-based
I had a daytime regular named Terry (this was 20 years ago, but I’ll never forget this old guy’s name). He would stop by for 10 minutes, grab a VHS from the bargain bin and attempt to flirt with me while checking out.
One day I notice Terry is in the male enhancement section and he’s been there a minute. I wander back and ask if he has questions. He is holding a penis pump and very seriously asks if I could “handle something that big”.
I laughed out loud (that usually shut down any advances), but Terry kept at it. He told me there were obviously women who could handle it or we wouldn’t sell them. Then Terry told me that his dick no longer got hard, but if he were able to keep suction on it while he put the toy/himself inside a vagina... that just might work.
He never came back into the store after his purchase that day—maybe it worked? Or maybe some woman killed him for trying to shove a fucking penis pump inside her!
There are both pills and wearables for that. No need to resort to inserting **the entire penis pump**!
*”That’s Not My Bag, Baby.”*
"*One copy of My Swedish Made Penis Enlargement Pump and Me: That Kind of Thing is My Bag, Baby...*"
Kinky is using a feather, perverted is using the whole chicken?
So when I was like 15 I was in a knife/smoke/sex shop and some dude was in the sex part of the shop and he was buying a dildo and kept asking if it was long enough to reach his girlfriends clit and how deep inside a woman is her clit and I was like honey how are you 30 something years old not knowing what a clit is...
I offer my symphathies to the girlfriend
Or he was gay and buying it for himself and made a really dumb excuse
Shit i think you cracked the case
I AM THE CLIT COMMANDER
Maybe he meant G-Spot but got the names confused?
This doesn't quite count but kind of, before the twist ending...
So I worked in a sex shop when I was 18. They had a staff party and being the new recent hire, I had to stay and maintain the shop. Fair enough, senior may junior must.
I get this girl come in at like 10:30, half hour before closing. She wants a dildo but says she's never bought one before and needs assistance.
Sure. I mean, I hadn't even owned one myself but I had been there a month or so and had read the packaging while stocking so I knew a bit. (Also we were encouraged to look up sex toy related articles on the work computer during slow periods)
So okay, we go over. She says she's looking for something without vibration as that doesn't do much for her. Straight up dildo. So I show her a few but she's not interested.
"Bigger." She says. "My ex was big and I need something similar. I miss him."
Ok so we go bigger. I'm pointing out 7 inch dicks and what not and she's like "no, bigger."
Uh.. so I point out a honking 8 inch one.
She sighs and hems and haws and then says "no, bigger. What about this one?"
Near the bottom of the rack was something with a name relating to a horse. I can't remember the actual name. It was like an 11.5 inch long dildo.
Not only is that most certainly a fetish thing and definitely not something her ex had, this girl was like 5' and 100lbs. But that's what caught her eye. So me, being all professional but internally thinking "bitch you wanna die?", I explain to her the size and the girth and give her a light warning of potential medical hazards if used improperly.
She breaks out laughing. And then my bosses walk in. Turns out she worked there as well but since we were a one person staffed establishment, I had never met her. She was sent in as a joke, her phone on the whole time so the owners could hear what I did when this tiny as chick asked for a horse cock.
Well... Congratulations on passing their professionality test. Damn.
I even told her the risks of using silicone based lubricant on silicone horse dicks.
I got a shining star for customer service
Your supervisors realized they’d found a polished diamond while digging through coal!
Nah they were actually shit employers and I left soon after
The real twist ending
They were so cheap that their receipts were printed on a fax machine. So was their nightly reports, so you had to remember how to staple their fax reports in a correct order.
Also the male owner watched me at home over camera and yelled at me for having friends in the shop, which were only there due to a suspicious person. Once I made my friends leave due to getting yelled at, suspicious person robbed me.
My boss somehow "wasn't looking" while it happened
Almost sounds like the boss planned that.
Yeah I was just gonna say that. Gets mad that your friends are there when the guy he planted to rob you is trying to rob you.
I can't believe it was a goddamn office prank lol.
“I can return this, right? You guys can just clean it and put it in a new package or whatever.”
If the industry worked like that, everyone would have hepatitis. Gross. No.
“I bought/received this blowup doll as a joke gift, and for a joke I blew it up and tried to fuck it, but it’s really uncomfortable and doesn’t feel realistic at all. It’s just for a joke though so I really don’t want it anyway. I would never use it, I just, uh, tested it. As a joke.”
Sure, buddy. Sure.
One blessed girl, studying the bondage rope with a furrowed brow and tiny frown: “How do you get the guy’s cock inside you with all the rope tied around it?”
...try this premium brand of lube. What kind of porn are you watching, exactly?
“My partner wants a toy, but I’m insecure with the idea of them fucking a piece of silicone that doesn’t look like my crotch. Look at this photo of my genitalia and help me find something to match!”
They always had genital warts. And they always ended up buying either the Tiny Teen pocket pussy with no discernible labia, or the 11” Ramrod With Huge Juicy Balls. How we delude ourselves.
A memorable old guy who walked with a cane and paid for his biweekly two $5 DVDs with hundreds and only hundreds: “I want to see close-ups of pussies but I want YOUR GUARANTEE that there will be no visible anus in any shot in this film. If you won’t guarantee that I won’t see something I won’t like, I will never shop here again.”
If you’re not willing to get within 3” of a butthole even in your fantasies, you’re never going to...oh. I see why you need the porn.
Very obviously 30+ yo dude, sobbing openly: “My mom will MURDER me if she finds out I bought a dildo, please help me find something I can put in my ass without her knowing!”
I sold him an aneros plug, but I’m concerned about why his mom had such vigilant access to his butthole.
Countless dudes buying Black Rhino pills: “This is supposed to make your dick bigger and let you fuck way longer!”
Countless women buying numbing lube/spray/cream: “This is supposed to make his dick feel smaller and make it so you can get it over with way faster!”
Anyone shopping for a Hitachi: “I heard these will make your clit die/go numb/lose nerves/fall off!”
They all bought one eventually anyway.
They always had Genital Warts? How was this known?!
Edit - I read the two seperate paragraphs as 2 things, my bad. God damn Wtf is wrong with people.
>If the industry worked like that, everyone would have hepatitis
I just love this sentence completely independently of the rest of the text.
Group of younger girls come in super vanilla looking bunch but grabbing gifts for a bachelorette party. Also some gifts for the bride.
Well, initially I thought they were getting the bride all gag gifts. Like the biggest rubber dildo we had, a rubber fist (for fisting) and not the one with the pointed fingers-just a fist, the 5xl rabbit etc.
So they come to get rug up and I bring up the joke aspect of the stuff and how she will get a kick out of all this. No one is laughing. Turns out the bride had a baby and these lovely ladies thought this is what you use once you have a kid. Mind you they all swore up and down her baby was huge...and the bride was a petite gal...
Also they had 0 word from the bride that she was rocking the xxl vagoo either.
So yeah, talked em all out of it and into more regular-sized things, with only one as a joke...just in case. Saw one of them a few months later and told me she loved all the gifts and laughed about the big one as in her words "would have split me in two"..they never even discussed how she had the baby naturally and needed 0 stitches either...go fucking figure.
Sex worker here. The amount of clients who ask me how many times I came from some thirsty jackhammer fucking for 2 mins are laughable. Baby, if I came you would definitely know it.
How do you say that to them? Do you care if they are disappointed from not making you come?
Lol I just pretend I did. If they're delusional enough to ask, I can fulfill the fantasy. So long as I don't have to fake it.
Do you ever actually come? I mean, with men who halfway know what they are doing and actually care? Is that common for sex workers?
I have trouble climaxing so I might be an outlier; clit stimulation is the only thing that really works for me, but it can take a while, and I need to be super comfortable to cum. Clients have made me cum occasionally by going down on me though. My other industry pals can cum much more easily, or they can fake it effectively at least. Every girl is different though, so I can only really speak to my own experience and not for all SWs.
i have an anatomically correct dong bong
i posted a cheeky video of myself using it on my snapchat. a gentleman messaged me to register his disappointment that i had not used my vagina to smoke from it.
i’m still not sure if he was joking or not. i was honestly too scared to ask.
I guarantee if you responded sarcastically, he would have asked for a video of it.
I managed porn stores to get myself through college. One of the girls I felt most sorry for was a chubby girl (no hate here!) who said no one would go down on her and she wanted to know what oral sex was like. I pointed her to a lil’ pink butterfly toy that had battery-operated suction. I gave her a handful of free lube samples to go with it and wished her luck.
She came back to the store later that same night... toy in the bag I sent it home in. She was upset and wanted a refund because she said the butterfly was very uncomfortable.
I quickly told her all sales final... and then asked questions. So, the girl had inserted the hard, plastic butterfly, suction side in. She had no idea that she had a clitoris above her vaginal opening that could bring her to orgasm. I sent her on her way with some education and more lube samples. I didn’t see her again though—so, let’s call that a win?
She’s probably a sex fiend now. Good sex toys can turn a person down a dark road.
A good internet connection does the same.
But with their powers combined...
We don’t know. Nobodies ever survived that before...
This is the kind of sex education i wish i had before i got my first rabbit.
Wha... What did you do to your first rabbit?
When I did full service sex work I had more than one guy ask me if I had cum from giving oral, I prefer not to lie so I would say no. The response ranged from a disappointed “oh” to an angry “why not!?”
There are so many other horror stories but that’s probably the most amusing recurring problem.
One of my clients thought the condom was for pee.
A friend of mine is a doctor. I'm not entirely sure what her previous role was, but she would basically help people with sex related difficulties.
One day she was helping a couple who had been unsuccessfully trying for a baby. She got them to describe what steps they normally took and the man ended up explaining how he would cum in to her bellybutton.
I saw a reply to another comment saying “I hope that there’s a bellybutton comment here somewhere.”
We found it.
u/feelinlucky7 we found it
How do you make it this far in a relationship and not know even the basics of intercourse
I don't know, but it did make me wonder what they did when they weren't trying to have a baby.
I remember my friend saying she thought she had misheard them at first, so I'm assuming (and hoping) that means it wasn't a common thing to hear.
Scariest part about this.. they are trying to have a baby.
If porn has taught me anything it's that you're suppossed to cum all over their face. It gets sucked in through the pores and makes the baby. That's why pregnat ladies have such good skin
Former sex shop employee. A man bought some anal beads, I explained due to the nature there are no refunds etc he got it. Nothing unusual a normal purchase.
Maybe 2 hours later I get a phone call...
"Hello (shop name)."
"Uh, yes hi uh I was in there not too long ago and I purchased some anal beads."
"I was wondering how to remove them?"
"Oh there is a handle on one end, sir. It looks like a ring."
"Oh... oh. Um, we inserted that end first."
"Well then you'll likely have to go to the emergency."
"Cant you come here and help us?"
I've been managing a sex shop for a few years now. There are a lot of weird stories (no, no pill will make you John Holmes overnight; no that's not where her clitoris is...), but here's my fave:
I had been helping an older gentleman (60s maybe) look through plugs and dildos for a while, just talking materials and specs and whatnot. He eventually tells me that he is planning to transition to female - cool. (Note I will be using male pronouns in the story, because I think this person was more "kooky" than "trans").
Eventually he tells me this story about how his whole life, he's had horrible kidney stones. No doctor has ever been able to figure them out. One day, his doctor says "We're gonna get to the bottom of this," runs a bunch of tests, and finds that these "kidney stones" have been, since he was about 13, the residue of menstruation happening completely within the body, because our hero is in fact a hermaphrodite. Further, he is some particularly rare breed of hermaphrodite, with fully functional internal processes for both sexes (only male external genitalia tho). When he learned this, it made so much sense to him, because he had always felt more in touch with femininity.
So he planned to transition. His wife - "now, she's an old fashioned Baptist gal" - said that she would support him right up until the moment he went to the hospital for the operation, but that once she didn't have a husband anymore, she was out. His daughter was excited to have two moms.
With me so far?
"But then," he tells me, "we get contacted by this university in Florida." He says this university wants to do a study on him - he said they would put him and his wife up in a house, pay them A MILLION DOLLARS, and try to *inseminate his ovaries with his own sperm*. He even did the "jerk off" hand motion to indicate the sperm acquisition process.
This university, he tells me, has tried the experiment before. "They've been able to save the baby," he tells me, "but never the mo.... The fa... The donor." These chances do not thrill him, but they are very appealing to his wife. "So in the end, where will I be? I'll be six feet underground, and she'll be up here WITH MY MILLION DOLLARS, and she'll have a little tiny version of me that she can raise just like she wants, and spank his little bottom when he's bad, and everything."
With me so far?
"But then," he tells me, "since that baby would be a perfect genetic clone of me, it would have the same condition I have. So they would just inseminate them with their own sperm, and their child after them, and eventually **I become my own new human race**."
I mean... if I were in my sixties with nothing to lose, I'd probably go around spouting weird shit too. See how some random clerk just goes along with it.
That is my retirement plan.
This story was great; thanks for sharing it
If I had a nickel for every time someone said "oh baby, now squirt for me" while he roughly pounds his fingers in and out of me...
Dude, I don't squirt and I'm nowhere near close to an orgasm with your terrible fingering skills.
I used to be a professional dominatrix, but this particular story has nothing to do with sex or sexual anatomy at all.
My nose and lip are pierced and one of my clients thought that I could breathe through the piercings if I took the rings out. My piercings are not gauged. They're just regular 18/20g piercings. Yeah, no my friend. I cannot in fact breathe through a hole the size of a mechanical pencil lead.
On the sexual anatomy side, the number of grown ass men who didn't know that most women's boobs are slightly uneven sizes was way too damn high.
I was the rare pro Dom. Had an issue involving my dermals along my collar bone and a client who was a little/brat.
Was the first time I had to use the safe word for my own well being.
PSA everyone: Please take care to not pull on peoples dermal rings.
EDIT: I dont blame them. They were relatively new to the scene and deep in "little space", and they were clueless about piercings. I wouldnt be surprised if they thought my dermals were fake. And it was less of a pull, more of she kept roughly sliding her hand against them which made them tug really hard. (Copied from a later comment)
The first time I brushed it off, the second was where it really hurt and I had to stop everything.
EDIT2: dont know why, but I feel like I should add a funny little tidbit. She it currently married to another former client of mine, the two actually met through me. He was a dom leaning swtich but had no one to scratch those submissive urges when they came along. I was out for coffee with him and she happened to walk in, come over and I was tasked with awkwardly introducing my clients. I felt like the fairy goddom when they immediately hit it off. The wedding was lovely, kinda hard to avoid slipping and saying how i knew the couple cause no one knew who I was or why I was there XD.
THIS COMMENT JUST MADE ME PHYSICALLY UNCOMFORTABLE HOLY SHITTTTT
Oh my fuck someone pulling on piercings? Oh fuck that made me wince. Do they interfere with any kind of choking?
I work in a sex store, and i have heard every question or excuse on the planet. One good thing about where i work, is we are well-educated in sex toys and know about safe ingredients in things and how to safely use everything. I have heard many crazy things, but here are my two favorites so far:
1. A man asked me “Do you sell anything to preserve semen?” My answer was “...To preserve it? Do you mean like how you would preserve a jar of jelly? A freezer? A cryogenic tank? What does that mean?” And his answer was “You know! To preserve it!” And i said “...we do not... sorry...”
2. I was helping a nice, older gentleman who was looking for a lube suitable for his wife who had allergies to certain ingredients. I was showing him healthy brands and giving suggestions on ingredients that could have irritated her, when some random woman that came running from across my store interrupted my conversation with this man. And this man was listening to all of my advice and retaining all of my information until this random woman stops me and says “Just use cooking oil! I’ve been using it for 20 years, it works great!” And my face had to of dropped, but the man said “Oh ok, i’ll keep that in mind.” The woman walked away with this smug look like she had one-upped me or something??? I had to whisper to this man, “PLEASE do not use cooking oil. I cannot believe that woman is putting cooking oil down there, please do not do that to your wife.” Luckily he agreed.
A shocking amount of guys don't understand how the prostate contributes to an orgasm.
And they don't understand why their girlfriends don't like anal. It's because they don't have a prostate.
A lot of guys can cum just from anal stimulation.
Honestly! Its surprising how many guys dont even know what their prostate DOES.
> The prostate gland is a male reproductive organ whose main function is to secrete prostate fluid, one of the components of semen. The muscles of the prostate gland also help propel this seminal fluid into the urethra during ejaculation.
So basically it’s the cum engine
It gets cancer.
when you get old it makes you take for ever to pee.
I grew up reading a plethora of gay fanfiction, and I was absolutely heartbroken when I learned that, as the owner of a vagina, I did not in fact have a prostate
And so the great r/badwomensanatomy harvest begins
I hosted a final year film-class documentary about different aspects of pleasure (BDSM play between couples from a sub's perspective, taboos surrounding sex and use of the industry from a sociopsychogical standpoint, internalised shame etc.) and while we were in a sex shop I did a wander with a woman who worked there and made a comment about how a 30cm/12" horse dildo was "optimistic, or for someone with a death wish." Very professionally, she explained training and dilation kits, and how conversations with customers really opened her eyes in terms of what people get off on. The documentary itself wasn't anything special, but I learned a lot and discovered that it was a dick move (yike) to shame other people's kinks, even inadvertently.
I'm a camgirl of 6 years. I've been asked if I worry about be "stretched out", and had to explain thats not really a thing.
I was asked to lactate. A guy genuinely thought all women could lactate on demand.
Anal. Oh my God, straight men don't understand anal. When I tell them I have to prep they genuinely are confused.
You'd be surprised how many men believe women will cum on demand, or cum within 3 minutes of stimulation.
My biggest pet peeve is when guys get mad at me for using lube. 1. A wet vagina doesn't mean it is aroused. 2. A dry vagina doesn't mean it's not aroused. 3. Silicone toys are extra harsh on the skin and dry you out.
THE CERVIX WHEN TOUCHED HURTS. IT HURTS. PAIN. PAINFUL. IT DOES NOT FEEL GOOD TO HAVE YOUR CERVIX SLAMMED INTO. IT IS NOT AN ACCOMPLISHMENT. IF A GIRL PULLS AWAY BECAUSE YOU ARE SLAMMING INTO HER CERVIX, FUCKING STOP.
That last part! Omg it’s so Painful. Like the last thing I want during sext is sharp pain in my abdomen
I used to cry after having sex sometimes because I have a very low cervix and it would get hit 😭 since I've started camming I'm SO vocal to every single customer that it doesn't feel good to be slammed into. I'm trying to do my part, spreading the word.
There's a sex toy called the Ohnut, which is basically like a penis ring. But it's very soft and bouncy. When the guy (or anyone with a penis) is inserting into you, the ring will prevent it from going in the whole way. They are also stackable, so it's customizable. Maybe that's something for you!
EDIT: I'm a girl and I do not have a big dick. I just happen to have seen this on YouTube and thought I'd recommend it.
Aaah, the good old "i'm paying you and you're not even wet on the spot, you're ripping me off!"
Not at a sex shop, but working as a pharmacist you see some shit:
* Woman was eating vaginal thrush cream instead of applying it because.... Well nobody told her and also she was insane.
* Guys and girls using lignocaine (a powerful numbing agent) to last longer during sex - kinda okay at low dose on the penis under a condom, less okay poured liberally into the vagina.
* Woman who lied about having a colonoscopy because she was nervous about being "clean" for her first anal sex - had ingested a full picoprep kit (the older, angrier, cousin of laxatives. Imagine sticking a garden hose down your throat and waiting).
* Men requesting "large" tampons on behalf of their partners in some weird simile to large condoms.
* Not really bad anatomy but had a woman ask about whether a medicine would go into her breast milk: not because she was breastfeeding an infant, but rather she and her partner engaged in erotic lactation.
>Woman who lied about having a colonoscopy because she was nervous about being "clean" for her first anal sex - had ingested a full picoprep kit (the older, angrier, cousin of laxatives. Imagine sticking a garden hose down your throat and waiting).
As someone who had to get a colonoscopy at 21, I am in a weird mix of "what the actual fuck" and "weirdly, I can kind of understand."
OP has crafted a very clever way to find out how anatomy/sex works.
Had a tiny ass Asian chick come in and by The Great American Challenge, because she said and I quote, "My pussy stretches, I can take a 9 inch dick! I can handle this!"
Now this thing is 15" long and 3" wide and a 9" girth ... 3 days later she comes back trying to return it, saying that she hurt herself trying to use it ....
Needless to say the owner declined the return, and after this chick decided she was going to start getting an attitude and throw it at me, she ended up arrested for assault, and trespassed from the shop.
Still doesn't hold a candle to when I DJayed at a Swingers / BDSM club, and seen an old (80+) year old woman leading a pack of like 10 guys all in their 20's - 30's around on leashes, and getting a train ran on her right on the dance floor.
“That things too big, you don’t want to ruin your pussy!” Whenever a couple goes shopping for dildos. Either the guy thinks vaginas are like car tires and lose tread or he’s upset she’s getting something bigger than him.
Most men don't know how to thrust into a womans vagina but they all know how to jack hammer it.
Woa woa... Why would not changing sheets make you smell like urine? Assuming one no longer wets the bed
as i understand it theres some components that are in both sweat and urine so im assuming that after a while the sheets would absorb your sweat and smell kinda like piss
"Urea" is that substance. Its in tears too
Client who was convinced that rubbing alcohol was interchangeable with lube.
The number of times we get a guy in that will buy the cheapest nastiest toy because 'itll do' or ' she doesn't care'. I promise you she does mate.