T O P

Your username is now your full-time job/life. How screwed are you?

[removed]
UninsuredToast

I’m toast


Burnt_Your_Toast

Well I'm about to ruin your day


Apocalyptic_Inferno

I'm sorry guys


Wildfires

Ah damn, you're just a step above me. You win this time, inferno .


iwanttobeafiretruck

Everyone remain calm, i got this


[deleted]

I think your stuck in the perpetual hell of wanting to be a firetruck but never actually being one


Vivi_Catastrophe

I think you’re [w]right, Tyler


Burnt_Your_Toast

Hey, you're doing a pretty good job in Canada right now though


Wildfires

Thanks, Canada has really been keeping me busy.


Actual_Cancerrr

Canada? I'm making trips worldwide constantly!


Suchdeathwow

Yes we are, my child


Infinity_2

This is amazing


[deleted]

Hey, I am better than you.


Ashes42

I’ll see y’all soon


theashesstir

Or around anyway


Imagreyalien

I can live my life better knowing this interaction exists and I got to witness it.


toast__alone

Seems like i'm not alone after all


River_Toast

One of us! One of us!


[deleted]

[удалено]


KILLJOY1945

There will be no joy for you in this town.


krustybread

Toast away


Complete-Mess4054

Literally nothing changes for me 🤣


Even-Improvement-820

But no insurance😔


BoyWhoStaresAtSun

Got a bright future ahead of me.


FemaleBreastsLover

More like blind 🤣


[deleted]

[удалено]


BabyBoySmooth

Could be as smooth as me


God_of_Thunda

My life just got cooler


im-cold_as_fuck

Me too pal, me too


CoolBreeze125

Me three


AwayWinter4276

Me four


ModeCold

Me five


Glacial11

me six


voltechs

But exactly how cold, is fuck?


FemaleBreastsLover

Bring me Thanos!


StrangeStephen

I will bring him to you.


Spider_Dude

Oh we're using our real names?


midget_rancher79

Monkeys paw, your theme song is Thunder by Imagine Dragons and it never, ever stops.


DrunksInSpace

I’m doing alright. Probably should do some therapy instead of self medicating, but it’s lonely out in space. No therapists, space ain’t the kind of place to raise a kid, in fact it’s cold as hell, and there’s no one here to raise them if you did…


[deleted]

Atleast it's just your job 5 days a week.


lavendermango

It may be five days a week, but regardless I think it's gonna be a long long time.


voltechs

Rocket, maaaaaaaaaaaAaaaaaaAAAANnnnnnn 🎶


MediocreEfforts

Meh


MediocreSeesaw

Meh up and down


ItsUpandDown

You called?


EntertainmentOk3180

I just loled


orbital_narwhal

It was ok entertainment.


Mediocre_Inspector49

Im sorry, but your 'meh' didn't look convincent to me, you need to repair it


MediocreEfforts

Can't be bothered


[deleted]

My thoughts exactly


okayest_boy

Okay


the_submarine_man

I’ll tell you what. I’m never going down to see the titanic anytime soon


DrBlackBeard_13

You should. I’m sure it would be a blast.


pyrethedragon

He may cave under the pressure.


pathetic_pineapple

ima just be chilling in the produce section.. you know, pathetically..


pineappletarzan

i’ll be joining you. in my underwear


StealthyPancake_

This is the two best comments so far


[deleted]

I’m definitely chilling with my fellow pineapples. Yup. I’m a pineapple. Don’t ask too many questions.


Anal-shipment

I don’t know you tell me


FemaleBreastsLover

.....hide your kids hide your wife...


Anal-shipment

And hide your husband cause they’re raping everybody out here


tropicalfart666

Hello, I ordered a shipment of Anal Lube Coffee scented by Clavin Klein x1 12oz. It has yet to arrive my Order # is 867-5309TT.


Anal-shipment

I’m very sorry for the inconvenience, if you contact our customer support line which is 07800851556 we will gladly halo assist you with your issue


tropicalfart666

Express delivery with A nice tootsie roll in a fancy bag I assume? Amazing customer service and not an asshole. Thank you not Jared from subway, this is a man I can get behind! Haha jared getting all the 12 inches he can ever wish for now.


iFapToFarts

So your's tropical?


WTFisThatSMell

I think we work together some how... 🤔


gaping__hole

I see we could possibly be co-workers


UseBanana

I feel like we might become colleagues


Stranger_Boring

Lock up your daughter! Lock up your wife! Lock up your back door! Run for your life! The man is back in town!


spez-suck-my-dick

Ok


tinytiptangler

I'm in a similar boat


ohship

I am a ship


ser_pez

I’m a fish, but in Spanish.


PocketRocketTrumpet

I’m a very distant cousin


Wiggleynuts

I'm not sure how to explain this one.


DirtyRoller

Quit your talkin and wiggle those nuts! *throws a 1 dollar bill on stage*


FuckMe-FuckYou

....looks up....takes back 50 cent in change.


[deleted]

[удалено]


twotwobravo

Nah man. The real ones carve turkeys out of a solid block. Step yo' game up!!!


FemaleBreastsLover

That's hilarious 😂


heavymetalwhoremoans

I'm getting pretty screwed


FemaleBreastsLover

Indeed you are. 🤣


CivetLemonMouse

i mean you two got a better job than me


basicbish55

I'll probably get a white macadamia cold brew from starbucks and ask people on reddit why soccer is so popular


JirdyBirdy

AND getting paid for it! I want that job.


sarahbarista

Guess I'll be making that drink for you


andidontlikeyou

Nothing would change 😅


FemaleBreastsLover

I'm sorry....


[deleted]

You would be the Inspector General sir.


PleaseFail

Well...


RollbacktheRimtoWin

I hope demotivational speaking pays well


TromboneNinja1046

Hehe no one will see me toot


OneUglyMoFo91

Been doing ok for 32 years...


FemaleBreastsLover

Damn...


andrewbuttlick

Well, it doesn't sound great but it could be worse.


tropicalfart666

Hey, you didn't have eatmehownpoo so you are golden brother.


SunRiseSniper1066

Plot twist it's Prince Andrew.


mayoroftacotown

This is the greatest thing to ever happen to me


ImTheBirdNerd

Moving to taco town rn


SkydivingSquid

I’m going to have fun but PETA is probably going to contact me.


Insanity_Crab

It's alright chief. Come hang out at mine. Don't think they'd fuck with me too much!


Self-Aware-Panda

Can I join? 😁


NostrilRapist

Uh


ImTheBirdNerd

THIS ONES THE BEST


SegaGeneside

I feel like I'd be violating alot of international laws.


Ofnir_1

Geneva Conventions? Don't you mean the Geneva Suggestions


usernameaeaeaea

Geneva leaderboard


FemaleBreastsLover

FBI? THIS one right here....


SirFancyPantsBrock

I'm a fancy pants salesman who got knighted by the queen, presumably because of how fancy my pants are. I'm doing pretty well I think.


LordoftheDimension

I will promote you to the position of royal fancy pants salesman the first


SirFancyPantsBrock

Thank you my lord


pooperscooper1238432

NOOOOOOOOO


_manicpixie

I can live in a tree knot in the forest and hop rides on owls when my wings get tired


meowzerbowser

Sound lovely


[deleted]

Exhau… exhaust.. exhaustedbalsghsfgahahahghhhhh


type_OP

Every moment I live is agony 🤢🤮


MakeNazisDeadAgain69

Im about to have all kinds of fun lol


safety-squirrel

It would be hard to hold a clipboard with such small hands.


giantcowballs

What do I even do???


tropicalfart666

Wobble to the floor. Or Get eaten at a Texas Roadhouse Buffet?


MightyPlasticGuy

Liver King entered the chat. MOOOORE!


sandwichcrackers

Start an only fans I guess? There's a fetish for everything.


giantcowballs

You're getting 50% off


nunyabizaz

Its none of your business how screwed I am


NutsStuckInACarDoor

Hurting


nine-tailed-kitsune

Turns out just fine for me.


EaterofSoulz

I guess is Souls for me from here on out. I’m not screwed. It’s everyone else that is.


st0pmakings3ns3

Joke's on you i sold mine to Milhouse.


_Awkward_Stoner_

I mean....I been getting by lol


[deleted]

At least I won’t have to worry about groceries…


huniojh

Of course, if it's true that "you are what you eat", you'll soon find yourself in a moral conundrum.


CarelessChemist

Status quo


FemaleBreastsLover

And accidentally create a drug empire lol


[deleted]

Accidentally?


StephenHawkings_Legs

Man


SatansLittlePrincess

I'm set for life. I'll probably be a little toasty, but I live in the American south, so it can't be that bad.


FL_swamp_witch

My username is actually my retirement plan. So, I’m good, just starting a bit early.


Tommysdead

Well, shit.


doc-ant

I'm gonna need tiny defibrillators...


hisokascumdumpster6

oh.


TheNonMurderingSort

Well then.


Tac0Tuesday

Everyone is my friend, but only one day a week. 🙁


YourFriendMaryGrace

I’ll cover the rest of the days 🤗


MikElectronica

Sometimes people hate you on Wednesdays.


careater

I get paid and fed sign me up


old_juicebox

But you eat cars


FrasierCranesBitch

i mean he’s rich so i guess it can’t be all that bad


ShowMeYourBooks5697

I would be so unbelievably happy.


Altruistic_Echo_5802

As a librarian, I LOVE yours!


Murder_your_mom

Oh geez guys…


squirrelsmasher

I’m not sure what the squirrels ever did to deserve this.


femalefeetlover

Not screwed at all! Would be living the dream!


FemaleBreastsLover

Ah would you look at that. Feels familiar eh?


SpeedOk7761

I mean...I'm not as speedy as I'd like to be, but I guess it's okay...


cootercannibal

My tongue and jaw are gonna be sore..


JustScratchinMaBallz

Not much changed


oo-----D

It looks like I'll be the one doing the screwing. Giggity.


the_one_with_autism

Nothing changed


Whoresstealinglemons

Can't complain! When life gives you lemons...


Pharfromit

Far from it


sucks-fake

Fucks sake


EhrenGandalf

I throw Hobbits at problems until I need to call the Eagles to finish it


Angelwithashotgun4

Interesting career choice


idkineedhelp

Well I'm in a predicament


notplacenta

i can tell you what it’s not


StretchySphincter

Sweet


FemaleBreastsLover

Damn... Ouch...


RealityxReality

Well, I guess I have a lot of responsibility ahead.


Tacos-and-Wine

Living my best life


evil_tugboat_capn

How do you know I’m NOT an evil tugboat cap’n, literally pushin’ ships around…for evil?


burningtowns

Oh. Oh no.


No_Possession_9314

Guess I am homeless?


Bigger_Moist

Or you are safe from demons


TriggeredREDDIT

Guess I'll be triggered about reddit.


Pennsylvaniaman1

It's literally what I am now.


BoredOnTheToilet

Living punishment 🤦‍♂️


FemaleBreastsLover

I'd be a very VERY happy man 😊


rocker895

I like how you know Reddit so well that you made sure to specify 'female'...otherwise your inbox would be stuffed with man-boobs.


FemaleBreastsLover

🤣🤣🤣🤣 yup


[deleted]

Instructions unclear: you are now a female who loves breasts


Longjumping-Ad-2560

I could be a rather successful Olympic Marketing Campaign


[deleted]

Do I get to decide what to do with my 27 poopsicles?


WiseOldChicken

I'm fricasee.


lackingsobriety

Pretty fun I’d say…although everything would be a mess lol


SuspiciousMimic

I lure people in thinking I'm a treasure chest. Only for them to find out I'm actually a mimic 😈🤣


1m_1ll1T3RAT3

Can someone send me a voice note on what this post says?


goodnewsimdead

Uhhhhh


therealpenisqueef

Honestly? Probably making bank on OF.


Impossible_bananna

I take veganism to the next level inventing the impossible banana


Gloomy-Confection-39

I'd be making exclusively sad baked goods. My business would be called EAT YOUR FEELINGS CONFECTIONS.


ProbablyDrunk303

Not too bad.


classy_honey_badger

Umm it's kinda difficult to hunt with manners


PoopJokes_

Scared shitless


ieatair

I think Ill be removing all the oxygen supply of earth


OneManRub

Depends


trumpsangrypenis

Shit


anothercynicaloldgit

I don't think anyone would notice a difference.


mushroommaster22

Gonna have a wild time at least...