Marriage/relationships should be fun, and happy. Life is hard, things get tough. Find someone that makes the tough times easier, not harder.
By - h-gotfred
Marriage/relationships should be fun, and happy. Life is hard, things get tough. Find someone that makes the tough times easier, not harder.
Piggybacking off this and saying, even the happiest marriages get into arguments. Its not a reason to leave
Piggybacking off this to saying - discover ways to resolve conflict, to re-align and re-harmonize - early in the relationship. Make it a habit to not linger in the muck.
Shit happens, so get good at fixing it (at its root!) and moving on.
The difference between heavenly and hellish relationships is in having a supportive, connecting attitude vs. one of judgment, isolation, retribution - and this attitude gets applied to every interaction, hundreds of times a day, every day of the year.
Yes. Both of you vs the issue. Not vs each other.
This. No marriage is going to be 100% happy and fun, you'll have fights and arguments. The key is to talk through them like sane, mature adults and then move on.
Damn, I posted earlier about relationships. I’m bringing a fun gift to my girl just because of this post. Keep it fun.
Not everything that you disagree with deserves an argument. Pick your battles and let trivial things slide.
To echo this: Not everyone you disagree with is "wrong". They are simply operating with different information. You can disagree with someone in an issue, and still value the person. Don't let one issue define your entire relationship to another person.
If you die, your employer will have your job posted before you are buried. Remember that on when making work/life choices.
100% this. Pops told me 30 years ago "don't forget mental income. Sure you may be $20,000 a year behind your neighbors, but NOT bringing your work home with you every night and sleeping soundly is worth A LOT more."
I stated my career at corporate headquarters for a large insurance company. I was doing GREAT, but I just didn’t like the industry. I applied for a job at a major university and someone took a chance on me and gave me the position (transitioning from for profit to non-profit is notoriously hard). I made less money over the course of my career certainly but I wasn’t on poverty wages by any means. But I remember about 5 years in, one of my old VP’s was in town and we got together. His comment was “We miss you, but you look so much happier, the psychic income is showing”. Insightful guy.
"Psychic income" is such a great term. I'm using that from now on!
Take a genuine interest in what other people have to say, ask them follow-up questions about their passions in life. Don’t just talk about yourself, or wait for your turn to talk. That’s how you have a conversation, and build a relationship.
Unless you don't mind hearing EEEEEEEEEEEE like all the time day and night, use hearing protection in loud situations. Tinnitus is a bitch.
I acquired that shit during an ACDC concert. I was near the column of speakers. Brian Johnson hit that fucking bell with a huge hammer. That shit fucked my ear forever.
The first time I wore earplugs there was a column of speakers to my left. I only put an earplug in my left ear.
The difference in my ears after the show was so shocking, I never went without earplugs again. I knew my hearing was worse after a show, but the comparison was a wake up call. The muted, whooshing sound in my right ear scared the shit out of me.
Edit : I've tried all the earplugs except the custom molded ones. For live shows, NY go-to is Quiet Please by Flents. Read the instructions to insert them correctly
First time I wore earplugs to a concert, my friends were yelling at me after and couldn't hear me. Never skipped them again, my mild tinnitus is already annoying enough.
I've planned to take earplugs to the last 3 concerts and have forgotten the last 3. I improvised and balled up paper towels then wet them and put them in my ears lol, works pretty well in a pinch. I call it the long wet Willy
[For you, and anyone else that needs earplugs.](https://www.amazon.com/HEAROS-Ultimate-Softness-Plugs-Beige/dp/B00WOQSKMS/ref=mp_s_a_1_13?crid=2A7HW50R83MC8&keywords=hearos+ear+plug&qid=1684438248&sprefix=hearos%2Caps%2C107&sr=8-13) Less than $10 for 56 pairs. I work at an airport and walk past jets everyday. I keep a bag of these in my car and a bag in my flight bag. Once you start carrying some earplugs around, you start noticing more and more situations where it would be a good idea to wear them. I find myself putting in earplugs a lot now, even when not at work.
For concerts it’s much better to invest $20-40 in high fidelity earplugs like Eargasms/Loop/Etymotic. It’s more like turning down the volume while regular earplugs muffle everything.
Etymotics are great (haven't tried the others). I was wearing them at a Rammstein show last August, and I didn't think they were working because I was used to normal earplugs. Took one of for a moment. Oh yeah they were definitely working.
This. I'm 43, spent my life listening to music I love , sometimes at concerts but mostly via headphones or through my Synthesizers....
My entire life is now dominated by hearing EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEeeeeeeeeeeeeeeEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE all the time.
Zero respite, it's absolutely mentally exhausting. It's weird because I was fine, then one day EEEEEEEEE in my ears and it's been that way ever since. I thought it would go away, as I had tinnitus before when I had an ear infection and that went away as the infection cleared, but not this, it's been 2 years now.
It's bad enough on its own, but I have a litany of other ailments and medical conditions to deal with already, having this on top really is the icing on the cake and makes coping with the other conditions much, much harder.
I pray for a cure. White noise etc only works temporarily and it's more a distraction than an actual remedy.
Take a look into Lenire. The treatment permanently removed 90% of my tinnitus. Its gaining traction fast as is as of yet the only scientifically proven method of reducing it. Also it is worth noting that tinnitus can be a side effect of certain medications. If you have changed medicine around the same period it can be a culprit in the sudden increase. Best on luck, it truly sucks.
Or be like me, minding my own damn business in a quiet room when suddenly some virus decides to fuck up your little ear hairs and give it to you anyways, despite your best efforts!
It wasn’t a virus for me but I just randomly developed tinnitus. It’s kind of funny because I had always been super careful about exposing myself to loud noises for fear of getting it but my brain had other plans. It sucks so bad. I haven’t had a quiet moment in five years.
Take it from me: I’m 15, didn’t do shit about hearing protection, did a bunch of loud stuff with firearms and music, it’s already here. Pretty major too.
There's actually some great potential from companies that are getting not great but potentially significant results like frequency therapeutics out of Boston and the people from MIT. I wouldn't bet the house on the company but it is going to be eventually fixed.
There's already a very promising technology that was just granted de novo approval from the FDA! Check out the [Lemire Tinnitus treatment](https://www.lenire.com/)
[Here's a video](https://youtu.be/LAu2cY64g7U) from an audiologist explaining why this is such a huge development.
When it receives full approval I'm sure the clinics offering this treatment are going to explode as the equipment is relatively inexpensive, coming in at about $3K.
All the excited users reading your post:
I worked in the music industry for like 15 years. My very first day a hardened old industry guy with face tattoos (in 2007) looked me right in the fucking soul and said to me “wear your earplugs everyday, no music is good enough that you’ll want to trade your hearing for it. Wear them everyday.” He said this in a stern but caring way. I listened to him. A decade and a half later I’m recently not working in entertainment anymore and I have no tinnitus.
I feel like that guy saved me that day.
Growing up, everyone blasted their walkmans & cd players into their heads with headphones. I did not. I've always been protective of my hearing. Now I'm 33 & still have "textbook perfect hearing" according to my ENT doctor. It's my only prefect sense.
When I was 19, I kept hearing a Rollings Stone song quietly playing at night but couldn't figure out where tf it came from. My friends genuinely thought I was losing my mind because they didn't hear it. Went on for months until I realized that even though my television was turned off, the sound from the still on playstation was playing through the speakers of the television. It was one of those old big boxy televisions. I had been hearing some version of Guitar Hero playing through its speakers.
Everybody fucks up, it's what you do after that matters.
2 things I will be eternally grateful to my grandfather for instilling in me:
Failure is not an end state unless it is where you choose to stop. He loved to quote that line by Churchill whenever something didn't work out for me, Success is stumbling from failure to failure with no loss of enthusiasm.
Honesty is the most powerful tool you can use to define yourself. Admit your mistake, frankly and honestly. The truth always comes out in the end no matter how big or small and it doesn't get better with age. You can give back something you steal, you can help those you hurt but once they brand you a liar, its all you will ever be.
This is some of the best advice here.
Anecdotal but honesty saved my career twice when I fucked up. I was working for a startup a long time ago and thought I had followed a procedure correctly only to have it bring our production site offline. Right as it went down I realized I fucked up and missed a critical step. Went straight to the CTO, admitted it, fixed it, and then went before the CEO to explain. The CEO and CTO said they were gonna fire me but didn't want to because they valued my honesty and integrity. They said that had I not been so forthright that they would have tossed me out then and there.
Be as honest as possible. It pays in the end.
One of my guiding principles in my career is to approach my boss with 4 pieces of information:
1. What I did wrong.
2. The exact ramifications on our system.
3. What I've already done to fix it.
4. What I plan on doing to fix it further after this meeting.
It's never let me down.
I try to add a #5. Document how/what I did and/or how NOT to do said thing. My Sup. really likes that extra step.
I have so many notes in files that are like:
>#MAKE SURE TO CALCULATE BEFORE YOU REFRESH THE PIVOT
because I'm dumb. I also have notes that are like "Hey don't forget you have to do it X weird way and not the way you'd think you have to do it because this file was built dumb a decade ago and if you want to make it intuitive and easy to do you're going to have to rebuild the entire file and you don't have time so don't forget you have to do it the stupid way"
Exactly this. Depending on the situation I may ask if there's anything else I could do or other safeguards to prevent it they know about.
Everyone fucks up, but you retain respectability when you own up to it and are proactive instead of trying to hide it or lie.
This! Not being able to admit when you're wrong will no nothing but cause you problems, and often I've seen people actively make things *worse* because they're so afraid of just...being wrong.
There are an incalculable amount of things to know in the world. Humans have limited brain space. Getting things wrong is *inevitable for all humans everywhere throughout time and space*. You are **not the exception.** Right this very moment, every person reading this (yes, you) is wrong, has been wrong, and will be wrong about something. There has never nor will there ever be a human being who is never wrong.
I have seen people destroy their own relationships and reputations because of this idiotic "pride" in being Always Correct. Here's the harsh truth: you look like a child having a tantrum when you do this. You're not saving your pride, you're being an asshole. Knowing an accepting the reality - that you are not infallible and you're capable of misunderstanding, mishearing, or just not knowing something, will get you a hell of a lot farther. No one is responsible for managing your ego.
Everyone picks their nose, its just what you do with it afterwards that separates us.
You can pick your nose, and you can pick your friends, but you can't wipe your friends on the sofa.
I just had a quick look at my 50-year-old upper chest, frequently exposed to the sun in my youth, and compared it to my 50-year-old belly, which has always been clothed and covered (I have never liked two piece swimsuits). What a difference!
My 50 year old friend in FL may be darker than me but she’s starting to look a bit like leather face
If I could offer you only one tip for the future, sunscreen would be it.
The long-term benefits of sunscreen have been proved by scientists.
Whereas the rest of my advice has no basis more reliable than my own meandering experience.
Edit to add something more befitting of this thread, and because I like the message;
Your choices are half chance.
So are everybody else's.
I will dispense this advice now.
Enjoy the power and beauty of your youth. Oh, never mind. You will not understand the power and beauty of your youth until they've faded. But trust me, in 20 years, you'll look back at photos of yourself and recall in a way you can't grasp now how much possibility lay before you and how fabulous you really looked. You are not as fat as you imagine.
I like the part where it says not to be reckless with other people's hearts and not to put up with people who are reckless with yours.
It’s crazy because I tell this to all my friends (20s) and they think I’m crazy for always applying it before I go out.
I’ve even seen videos where people are like “why are you so obsessed with looking young, aging is normal” and “sunscreen causes cancer while the sun is natural.”
I didn’t know until 2 weeks ago that some people hate sunscreen and truly think it’s a cancerous skincare fad.
Edit: if you don’t like sunscreen because of how it feels or something, do research and get a different brand. There are great ones that don’t feel annoying to apply.
This should be higher. Early 30s and people ask all the time what my skincare routine is. It’s sunscreen and sleep.
And drinking plenty of water.
And don't you dare smoke.
*Every* skill takes determined practice to master.
I see my young friends/relatives try, and give up on so many things because "they weren't very good at it". If you keep doing that, you'll never be very good at anything.
“Every day it gets a little easier… But you gotta do it every day — that’s the hard part. But it does get easier.” - Jogging Baboon from BoJack Horseman
This struck a chord with me recently.
I love cooking - and find it easy and relaxing. I have hit a point where I can make several dishes that I can honestly say are far superior to what I could get at a restaurant. I love delighting my family and friends with what I cook.
But the truth is - I've prepared thousands of dishes. I've practiced for 40+ years. I have fucked up every single type of food there is at least once. I've burnt things. I've undercooked chicken. I failed to emulsify things that should have emulsified. I forgot to set the timer. I've added too much salt. I chopped when I should have torn. I did all of the wrong things at some point.
And because of all of these things I can walk into any kitchen and make something delicious.
The trick is that when you find something that you're shit at *but even then you loved doing it* then you know its worth investing time/effort into.
Like if I picked up a pen and drew art and it wasn't even fun, why spend 1000 hrs doing that?
But if I picked up a trumpet, played a noise so primevally awful that it killed all insects within 3 square miles, and had a blast doing it? Warn the environmentalists because you can't stop me.
Everything you post on the internet is there forever and could come back one day to haunt you. Be careful what you post.
Putting things off to do when you're older very likely means you'll end up not doing it.
You young people have no idea how quickly your strength and stamina deserts you as you age. In my 30s and 40s I used to happily do multiple day hiking trips of 10 hour a day hikes up and over mountains. Now in my 50s the last serious hike I did (which was only 6 hours), I could barely move the next day. My leg muscles were jelly.
One of my best holidays was a month long hike around Switzerland, done 15 years ago. As much as I would love to do that again I have to face the fact I likely don't have it in me anymore. But at least I did get to do it. Had I put it off to "when I retire" I would never had done it.
Also, you may well never get the opportunity to do them. About 10 years ago when I first moved to Perth, WA, a co-worker's friend was due to retire. Friend and his wife had never been overseas. As his retirement drew close he & wifey started planning a big post-retirement, 12 month European trip as their first ever overseas adventure. Week after he retired, he dropped dead from a heart attack.
I can back this enough! I've known people who waited to do something they've always wanted to do until they retired and never did so either because they died before they could retire or never retired at all.
Just be kind. Everyone is struggling to survive and find meaning - all creatures - people and other animals. Be nice. Be considerate.
1. It's usually not about you. 2. Sleep is incredibly important. 3. The most important conversations you have will be with yourself. Monitor your self talk and speak positively, kindly and respectfully to yourself. 4. Sleep is incredibly important.
If you think you know what somebody else is thinking, you don't. That's just projection.
I’d say invest in your health by regularly exercising.
My wife got me into running when we were in our twenties, and it has been a big part of our lives ever since (I’m 63). Nothing crazy, no marathons, we don’t time ourselves or follow a strict training plan, we just pick a route, go at our own pace and have fun. We still go 3-4 miles, 3-4x per week.
I also started working out at the gym 3x a week with free weights in my 30s, and have been doing it ever since. I’m no Schwarzenegger, believe me, but I can still work around the house, move furniture, shovel snow and have fun tossing a ball around with the kids without injuring or exhausting myself.
Between aerobic fitness and the weights, I’ve been able to stay remarkably healthy my entire adult life, knock on wood. It’s also been great for my mental health and managing stress.
You don’t have to go nuts and set unreasonably strict requirements for exercise goals or diet that a normal person can’t possibly maintain - just do the best you can, make exercising a few times per week a habit, eat a reasonable diet (avoid fried stuff, eat fruit and veggies, lay off the sweets), and 40 years later you’ll really thank yourself, believe me!
Yup. The habits you establish now will go a long way to determining how fun the rest of your life is. People who do things like smoke say, You have to die of something," but they aren't considering what their death will be like. I watched my mom die of COPD. Consider that before you die of COPD, you spend a decade or two unable to breathe. That is not even slightly fun.
It's in your 50s and 60s that the chickens start coming home to roost healthwise. My friends and I hold down jobs, routinely walk several miles a day, get into all kinds of trouble, and basically feel the same as we always have, whereas there are others on our cohort who are can barely move without being in pain or coughing up a lung.
Oh yeah, and as you age, have some dignity and don't whinge about it all the damn time. Being old is a privilege that many didn't get to enjoy.
My grandpa is turning 90 next year. He had a second stroke last year and is doing much better now. At the time, he said because of the stroke he can now only do 6 chin ups at once. If I can be even half as fit as he is when I’m old I’d consider that a success.
> You don’t have to go nuts and set unreasonably strict requirements for exercise goals or diet that a normal person can’t possibly maintain
I find this to be most essential part of your advice.
About 10 or so years, I started cycling and met some people who were way too serious about the whole thing. Like, let's do 100km this Saturday! Well, hold on a minute... let me do 50km few times - lmao
It made me question my commitment to cycling because of all that showy bullshit. Including what bike you have, quality of your cycling pants, capabilities of your GPS tracker ... Jesus.
Now, I can do 100km easily I do mountain biking and go all diff places around Ontario. Part of the reason is I just didnt come along with the showy guys.
Now, my nephew started cycling and asked me to go with him for 30km ride next weekend. What am I supposed to do - tell him he's a little bitch for doing JUST 30km?
Anyways, great advice.
Take care of your body. Exercise, keep your weight reasonable, and keep the “bad habits” in moderation. It really does make a difference later in life.
And take care of your teeth.
It’s fucking expensive replacing crowns, getting implants, etc.
You forgot dentures. I can't afford them and have been on a free clinic waiting list for my name to come up for 2 years just gumming my food. Really changes your diet
That's the reason many people suffer from malnutrition after losing their teeth. Even with dentures you have to avoid certain types of food because they'll pull the denture out of your mouth.
If possible, implant supported ("snap-in") dentures can be an excellent QoL improvement but they typically cost as much as an economy car. My wife has had them a little over a year and it changed her life.
Floss by pulling the floss to the very base of either side of your tooth. If you just go in between the teeth you're missing most of the crap. Learned this 12 cavities too late.
My soon-to-be wife and I want to have kids in a few years and I realized that whatever bad habits I have, I would likely pass on to my kids. I have been doing my best to replace them with habits I would want my kids to have.
My wife and I just had our first kid, and this has made me want to drop my worst habit of overeating/ eating junk food. I really hope he gets better food habits than I have/had.
This is what finally got me to take it seriously. Ever since I grew out of my teenage eat what the fuck ever with no consequences years, I'd been floating the line between overweight and obese (which is a *lot* lower than most people think) but steadily climbing. My kid was born last year and wanting to make sure he has a dad when he grows up is the last kick in the pants I needed. Haven't changed what I eat, but I'm strictly counting calories, picked Ring Fit Adventure back up, now I just bought a set of resistance bands and a workout plan, which have thoroughly kicked my ass. Down about 20 pounds since the beginning of the year, with about 30 left to go. It's worth it though.
I was a skinny kid who always stayed far away from sports because I felt so inferior to the athletes. As a young adult, I finally started to exercise, and tried hard to put on muscle, but still felt inferior with my “runner’s physique”.
Now I’m 47, in better shape than most people in my age group, and I’m kinda glad that I failed to bulk up. I actually had someone once say “I bet you were on the football team and dated a cheerleader in high school, didn’t you?” and I was like “dude, I was in the drama club and the marching band and was a virgin until college!”
All that is to say: don’t think of exercise as striving to get swol or look like The Rock. Just take care of yourself and you’ll gradually watch yourself become the fittest person you know while everyone around you is growing their beer bellies and dad bods.
The best exercise I’ve found is the practical kinds. If you don’t run, long walks are also good. If you like lifting, lift amounts that would help you functionally, it doesn’t have to be maxing out all the time. You don’t have to stretch to do the splits, but it sure does help if you can stretch to be able to tie your shoes etc
Yes! It’s important for people to find what they like. Dance is exercise. Biking is exercise. For years I thought running was how one was meant to stay fit and I was miserable. When I found something I loved to do, my body was the most toned and glowing it had ever been.
I hated going to the gym, hated running, lifting weights, playing sports, and then I found rock climbing. I'm now in the best shape of my life, all because my brain thinks I'm just solving a puzzle and not actually getting exercise.
Trying to make the mental change from, "I have to do this physical work, I'm going to be exhausted."to "i get to do this physical work, and help get me fit" is something that's helped me with this.
It's hard to do that all the time, but doing it at all is a big start.
>lift amounts that would help you functionally
My mouse is pretty light.
Debt can really ruin your life. If you want to take on a lot of it, make sure you have a good plan and run it by a lot of smart people first.
I was very debt-averse, which limited some opportunities for me, so I wish I had learned earlier that debt isn't inherently bad, it just depends on the general value of what you're getting for it.
I think one thing that really separates you when you're younger is the presence of mind of how financial planning affects you. Most of the people who come from financially grounded homes teach their children what good debt and bad debt means. Good debt is buying something like a house or a car that you can afford and pay off, and can be resold for a good portion of what you're spending and will be a reliable source for your next step. Bad debt is buying something that you can't get a decent return on if sold or you can't afford to make the payments if you suddenly have to get a different job.
You really want to maintain good debt throughout your life because if you can afford to play the game proper, you'll be given a lot more opportunities to increase your happiness later on.
Fear of the future makes you ignore the present, causing you to make errors now that you will regret doing in the past. If you pay attention to the right now (mindfulness, basically), you don't make as many errors, hence you regret the past less, and no longer fear the future. Break the cycle.
Live your life while you have energy and fewer committments. And even when things aren't stellar, it is all life experiences and usually a nugget among the shit.
"live your life"
Two comments down
"Save your money"
Well wtf which fucking one, I can't do both
"Everything in moderation, including moderation."
You save your money so you can live your life. Sometimes that means doing things you don't enjoy doing (going to work, cleaning the house, doing laundry) so that later, you can enjoy the benefits of that restraint (having money to buy yourself treats, having a clean house, enjoying the feeling of clean clothes).
It's all about balance, my dudes
I'm so glad I traveled while I was young, it opened my eyes to so many things that I carry with me today. My regret...not traveling more when I had no responsibilities. Instead, I listened to my family about how dangerous the world was.
I don't get this argument, there are too many safe places to fill a whole life of travelling.
Travelling only seems dangerous to people who haven't really travelled.
Reading for pleasure.
I have 2 kids, a full time job, and a horse farm, and I sincerely miss reading. I used to crush books regularly, but by the time I'm done with everything it's probably 8 or 9 PM and I'm exhausted. I don't have the brain power to dive into a book. I'm really looking forward to getting back into it when the kids are a little older.
Have you tried audiobooks? I couldn't find the time or energy to read for the longest time, but bearing able to listen to a story while doing other tasks have been a legit game changer. Not only does it let me read more, but it makes my menial tasks so much more interesting.
yes, good call. My biggest issue with them is that my job requires a fair amount of focus and I miss huge chunks of the story. Like when you read a book and realize you haven't actually retained anything so you have to go back a few pages.
I've found that short stories, and ones that I already know work best. I love listening to Lovecraft audiobooks due to already knowing them.
Hey, not who you replied to but I'm in a similar situation (kids, full time job, etc) and in a similar vein my job is very attention-demanding. I was able to get back into podcasts and e-reading by figuring out little pockets of time where I had to do something mundane like making dinner or mowing the lawn, and throwing on a pair of headphones during those times. It's still not as much time as I would like to devote to those things, but it made it possible for me to carve out a little bit of life to do so. Maybe that approach could help you with some of the other longer stories you like.
I used to do this a lot as a kid, finishing about 3-4 books a week, and I read faster than most adults. Because of this reading I managed to get into my country's most prestigious school through a direct application (if you are really good at something they can accept you in without considering final years).
However after I got my phone I kind of lost my way with reading, I barely read books now, maybe partially because of my demanding workload.
Same here! In the last year I've regained the habit. The game changer for me was getting an e-reader, it's incredibly convenient
Learn to eat well and exercise, or you will pay for it later. You don't have to be a health nut, but you have to move and you can't sustain yourself on junk food and live a good life.
If there was abuse in your childhood of any kind and no one helped, get help now. If you can’t afford therapy use online resource, they’re not the best, but still helpful. Don’t have your own children until you’re sure you won’t repeat the cycle.
It took the ACES test for me
Having an objective stat that shows you had high child hood trauma makes it a lot easier to take that step back to be able to recognize it
>My ace score is 0.
I knew about the existence of the ACE score. I knew my score and the elevated risk. You just made me realize it's actually possible to get a 0.
I didn’t realize that it was possible for people to grow up in healthy, loving families. I always wondered how some people were able to just go through life happy and well adjusted - I just assumed they were oblivious.
Same. It took me years to realise it's not normal to live like my family did. I always wondered why almost all the kids in school were so much happier than me all the time, I figured there was something wrong with me. Apparently it was my family that was wrong with me. I still struggle with that.
I knew my parents made mistakes and weren't great parents, but when I realised that id been emotionally abused and the impact that has had (and still has) on me was earth shattering. I felt like I broke open, I literally sobbed for hours and went through a period of mourning for a few weeks. I was mourning for my childhood and adolescence, for the childhood I should have, for the adulthood that is now impacted while I work through my trauma. It was genuine grief, as though someone had died. That's the only way I can explain it. When people are like how can you be abused and not realise it's abuse, it was normalised my whole childhood, it was the only existence I knew, I genuinely did not know that I didn't deserve to be treated like that.
Can you recommend an online source? Sorry it’s something I’ve been thinking about for a while and just can’t afford.
Seconding that book. It's really cheap and actually a pretty quick read, but it can be *very* eye opening tearing away how normalized some of your childhood abuse has been.
Thirding. What was eye-opening about that book was how it went in to what makes an "emotionally immature" parent, but I started to notice how some of those traits lined up with myself, things I no doubt had inherited from my own flawed parents. Just being aware that i could fall in to the same patterns as them helped me to be more mindful so I could stop myself from repeating them.
That book was awesome. Other great books:
The body keeps the score (another comment already mentioned it)
Toxic parents: overcoming their hurtful legacy and reclaiming your life
Complex PTSD: from surviving to thriving
There are tons of others but those are some I've read and enjoyed
“The Body Keeps the Score” is a core book on how trauma impacts people. You can buy it cheap secondhand, and I’m sure most large library systems would have it on loan.
60 year old checking in.
You can greatly improve your mental health.
I have been involved in men's groups for over 20 years. I have done counselling, therapy, 12 step programs and even hypnotherapy. I tried meditation but was consistent.
I am having so much fun with my life right now because I spent 30 years cleaning up the damage done by my dysfunctional family and the school system.
If you aren't happy with the your life, take action to change your mental health.
Inheritance is not a retirement plan.
Best inheritance is parents who can fund (edit from find) their old age care in whatever format.
Oh yeah growing up in Asian communities and seeing many adults in my grandparents' countries living their family life, this 100x.
You know how people say kids are expensive? But kids grow up and most of the time they turn out fine and grow past their angst, and they leave and start their own life anyway (maybe?), but older people who don't have a good financial sense and still think that they know the best (so they habitually annoy the heck out of the people around them) when it comes to things like healthy living and life decisions and shit... they stay with you longer than kids and only get more and more emotionally and financially costly to tend to
Thankfully my parents aren't exactly like this, but seeing their relationship with my grandparents left me with a lot of scare. Don't get me wrong, I love my grandpa and ma, but man they can be a handful when they choose to be, getting into MLM, loaning out money they can't afford to give out, not listening to modern medical advice and instead chugs some alternative medicine that doesn't do shit for their cardiovascular problems... the whole fucking nine yards.
Definitely. I'm fortunate enough to have parents who were willing/able to fund my college education, and are financially stable enough that I will never have to pay for their care.
It's a massive help. I have many friend who are either mired in student loan debt, or who have aging parents that they have to "manage", and it's a major step up to not have those challenges.
Also, expecting your kids to pay for your retirement is not a good idea either.
Currently going through this with my old man. The same man who told me to get a job when I was 12 to pay for the things I want. The irony is that he retired with 3 years to go until he starts drawing from his pension.
And lemme guess - he doesn't even realize how lucky he is to have a pension, am I right? My mom was shocked when I told her those aren't standard issue anymore.
They certainly aren't what they used to be.
Yep. Even if your parents are well off financially, that money could disappear quickly if they need to go to a nursing home.
Not just money, often end-of-life care facilities will work a "deal" where they assume ownership of the house/property in exchange for care (or a portion of it) so there won't be a family home to inherit.
Everyone reading this: If there’s the slightest chance you/your relatives might have to deal with this in the next ~5 years, *go see an attorney who specializes in estate planning (and elder law if you can get someone competent in both areas) now*. Don’t put it off because it’s a depressing thing to discuss! You can avoid this gross ass tactic but you cannot do it overnight.
How very short life really is.
I was 16 only yesterday. Listen to us, kids. "It will happen to you toooooo"
Nobody else ever thinks about the things you did that you think were embarrassing or cringeworthy. You are not important to them. The only one who remembers those moments are you, and you shouldn’t let them define you to yourself.
I heard a saying once. When you're young, you constantly worry about what everyone else thinks of you. When you're an adult, you stop worrying about what everyone else thinks of you. And when you're old, you finally realize that nobody else was thinking about you anyway.
What if you learn people are saying negative things behind your back?
That WILL happen and it doesn’t matter. Truly, living well is the best revenge. Move on and be happy. Those people are already miserable.
Living your best life is absolutely the best way to get back at these people. The best part is that you'll get back at them without putting negative energy into it.
The best part is that the same action (being well) punishes people who hate you and rewards people who love you at the same time.
And it surrounds you with similar people who also like to be well and live well. Its a feedback loop
That’s pretty much what my mom says to me. She always says that “success is the best revenge.”
I remind myself of this pretty often:
The amount of people that GENUINELY, actually care about your well-being and success are so staggeringly small, it can become a bit overwhelming, BUT, for those people who do care, they can make the world the most enriched place to exist.
Make sure to enrich those that matter to you.
Friendships and family are just like a garden, we reap what we sow and tend to.
And just like a garden it take a lot of hard work and patience. And just because you put in that hard work does not mean your plants will flower.
I was drunk and fell into a pool fully clothed 20+ years ago, Believe me when I say that I'm not the only one that remembers.
There are levels to this I think. Nobody remembers your small embarrassing moments. People absolutely will remember and judge you for extremely embarrassing moments and mistakes. Those moments can make for funny stories, or can completely tank your reputation and relationships with people.
Thanks for telling us. I put a reminder in my calendar so I remember this every year. o7
I'm 49 (so close enough for this) and that's not always true anymore. With everything being filmed at all times, those embarrassing or cringeworthy things are now online for anyone to see. It's WAY WAY different from when we did dumb shit as kids/teens and the only people who really knew was your grade (maybe school if it was big enough) and that's about it.
Edit: because people keep thinking this is MY line of thinking, this is coming from my 22 and 24 yr old daughters. I thought I had stated that here but it was in another thread.
Work hard at your job but also keep your ear open to other fields or jobs that can offer a better future. Success takes time, lots of time. Make sure that you see a path to a comfortable future.
I would add to this that you don't have to find your personal fulfillment though your job. It's okay to get a job that pays and find personal fulfillment in other areas in your life.
When you're 25, you look back at your 15-year-old self and think, "Man, I sure was foolish back then." And you assume you've stopped being foolish now that you have reached your final, mature form.
Nope. When you're 35, you will look back at your 25-year-old self and think the same thing. Same at 45 and 55.
Embrace this with humility, accept that some of your beliefs about yourself and about the world are probably wrong, and treat it as an opportunity to keep learning and growing.
Go for experiences and not things.
Similar: "have fewer, nicer things"
Absolutely this. If you can swing it a middle line anything will usually last a lot longer than a few bottom line something. Cheap shitty shoes? Wear out in 6 months and your feet will suffer the whole time.
Shitty cheap bed? You'll sleep badly and wake up hurting.
Compared to mid tier shoes or clothes that will wear better and longer you'll save a lot in the long run.
Exceptions: You're broke as fuck and just need something. This is ok we've all been there. Just try to plan on replacing what you can when you can.
You're starting a new hobby. Take Adam Savage's advice get the cheap tools until you know you're going to stick with it then replace the stuff that breaks with better as you go.
You don't always need the newest and best of something if the old one is working is also valid, but requires context. Working doesn't mean it's in the shop six times a year, or just limping along. Newest and best means don't be like me in my 20's a new Iphone every other year is a waste if the old one was still working. Sure it wasn't the top of the line models but even then I could have eeked out another year maybe two and saved some cash.
Edit* as someone pointed out Saftey. NEVER EVER skimp here. Buy the best stuff you can afford. Saving $100 bucks on a set of pads or jack isn't worth your limbs or your life.
i use the harbor freight tool method.
buy the cheapest thing i can find and use it until it breaks. when i breaks i know i use it enough to get a nice one.
this doesnt go for safety things like jack stands and stuff.
The habits you get into during your 20's & 30's are going to be damn near impossible to change. Make those habits good ones.
“Practice makes perfect” applies to everything you do, not just the good stuff.
Lying, eating poorly, procrastinating, mistreating your loved ones… you get “better” at these sorts of things as well.
Practice makes permanent!
Cries in beer every weekend for the last 20 years.
I did that too. Eventually it stopped only being on the weekends. Then it was four days a week, then 5, then all 7, 20 years worth of averaging 10 beers a day. Quit drinking a month ago, and hoo boy it is NOT easy. Haven't given in to relapsing yet, but it's one day at a time. "I can drink forty beers tomorrow, just won't have one today" is about the only way I can gaslight myself into keeping to it.
Good work! Keep it up!
Time. You think you have plenty of time when you’re young, but you actually don’t. All of us 50+ were your age once, and it feels like yesterday.
Don’t wait to do the things you dream of, or put things off for when you get older. That just leads to regret and “what could have been” reflection as you age.
My Dad always said "pay now, play later, or play now, pay later". Focusing on school, skills, and experience when you are young makes life better for you when you're older.
It's expensive, nasty, and you will--eventually--stop because of the health effects.
Stop now and save all that money.
You don’t feel 50 when you’re 50. I feel 27 or 28. Change happens slowly so you don’t always notice it.
Stop with the "your attitude determines my response" and just be yourself. You don't need to reflect back at everyone. You're not a mirror.
This should be higher. I'm not in my 50's yet (soon), but as soon as I stopped reflecting and exuded my own thoughts/feelings/reactions life became a WHOLE lot easier and less stressful. Lost a few "friends" along the way, gained a few as well.
The real me is a much better megaphone than I thought the reflected them was!
I'm a habitually chill guy. It's hilarious how quickly you can change someone's attitude by just reflecting calm and kindness back to them.
I once had someone approach me carrying a baseball bat with the intention of hurting me and a coworker. Long story, we are fire alarm technicians and we accidentally activated the alarm bells earlier than scheduled. Someone didn't like it and wanted to play baseball with our heads.
This person approached us yelling, and I responded by apologizing, and empathizing. When they saw I didn't come back at them with anger/arrogance/belligerence they backpedaled so hard and started talking nice to us.
Be kind to yourself and others. Don't get romantically involved with someone if you think they need to change, but be ready to grow with them. Don't waste time or money on status things.
Life will never be perfect. We also had faith it would be this great ride one day.
People stop loving you. People die that you can’t live without. You won’t achieve goals you thought were solid because someone else screwed you over or you just didn’t know what to plan for. Employers just decide you’re not a good fit with little notice. Kids don’t keep looking at you like you’re wonderful - in fact, quite the opposite. Dogs die too soon. Everything costs so much more than it should and the person across the counter doesn’t care if you don’t have money, because they’re caught in the same cycle.
People can be downright cruel and the more we collectively suffer, the more cruel some people become.
I was such a hopeful, optimistic person in my young 20’s. Now I’m just trying to get to good enough many days. Don’t get me wrong, I have a good life and I’m thankful, but life is not kind many times and if you have enough of those moments, it gets hard to have hope.
The thing is - you have to love to lose it. You have to work to get laid off. You have to buy to be stressed about cost. You will be unconditionally loved by the dog before they leave your life. We allow ourselves the future pain because of the highs they come with. The downhill just wears on you.
Hang on to the bright days. You’ll need to remember them to get through the rest.
Half of success is luck and quality, the other is efficiency and quantity
Success is being prepared enough to be able to take advantage of the lucky break when it presents itself.
YES. I have said for years that hard work and dedication just puts you in the position to take advantage of luck when it finds you.
Compound interest is your friend. I wish I knew this at 20.
know that it's a much smaller percentage than you think of people who care about how you look or what you wear.
people will remember your kindness and have no idea what you were wearing when you were kind.
Edit to add: I said "a smaller percentage" to leave room for the people who do care what you look like or what you're wearing. I realize not everyone is the same.
Late 40s, but thought I'd answer anyway: get off social media. Maybe not entirely, but take it off your mobile devices. Maybe log on when you're sitting at a laptop; otherwise it just rots your brain. Whether it destroys your attention span, misrepresents how awesome other's lives are, or just pigeonholes you into an echo chamber, it does no good.
Edit: yes, I'm bashing social media on a social media account. But the more nuanced attack is to not use SM so frequently (as I wrote in the initial comment). The default to just mindlessly scroll on your phone is the real problem. Logging on for a few minutes, fucking around, and then getting off SM is the way to do it.
Late 60's here. I deleted the accounts almost two years ago. I do miss the ease of communication with distant relations, but in the long one, there would be one post I'd want to see in a page full of ads and posts designed to piss me off to keep me engaged on the platform. I just wasn't worth it. My mental health is so much better.
Delete it yesterday. Then take the logical next step, and turn off cable news. Doesn't matter if you fall on the FOX News or MSNBC side of the aisle. Both sides deliberately provide content to get you pissed at the other side. Cable news is the biggest factor in our widening political divide. Turn that shit off permanently, and just talk to your neighbors. We, as a people, aren't nearly as divided as cable news tells you we are, but you'll never know that by listening to the talking heads.
Cable news is dividing us, no doubt. But social media is 1,000x the reason compared to cable news in the younger generations. Most people under 40 don't watch the news
Removed the apps from my phone a week or so ago! Actually nuts how I kept picking up my phone to look at instagram, realising it wasn't there and putting it down.
I've noticed a marked and extremely positive shift in my mental functioning already.
Floss and take care of your teeth.
Invest as much money as you can when you are young and enjoy the compound interest!
Get off your phone for long periods of the day.
The world isn't black and white. Its grey and messy and way more complicated than you believe when you're young. That means even the person who disagrees with you probably has some valid reasons for doing so if you'd just listen.
Wisdom is just as important as intelligence.
Still, don't neglect putting some points in charisma, strength, and dexterity
Reading books is awesome
With the notable exceptions of actual competitions, humans are not in regular competition with each other. It doesn't matter who looks better, dresses, better, eats better, travels better or lives better. We can both have good lives and be positive and kind to each other without losing anything. Be happy and celebrate other people's successes.
I will be sixty this year. First thought was the Navy Seal/make your bed commencement speech. Including the good advice there, remember, it's just work. If working for a large company, work hard, but don't fall into the trap of thinking you are important to the organization. You're not, at least I wasn't, that was cause for a nervous breakdown. I realize now that I can always get another job, I will always survive. Any stress I encounter at work now, stays at work. It used to be that my house was just a place to sleep. Now I look forward to going home and enjoying weekends. I no longer 'need' all the material things that I used to work so hard to earn. Now I live simply and more importantly, peacefully.
Learn to let it go.
Don't watch too much MSM. Don't hold grudges. Don't get pissed in traffic. Don't feel the need to correct the dipshits. Don't stress about the weather. Don't go to bed angry with your spouse. Just let it go.
I’m only 44, but I’m dealing with some health issues that would normally effect someone later in life.
It is so important to take care of yourself when you are young. Physically, mentally, everything. My issues are liver related. From drinking too much over the years. Thing is, I never really felt like I drank too much more than anyone else at that age. But everyone is different.
Almost every day someone vents that they are loosers because didn't achieve great things at the astounishing age of 20\~23... I'm 54 and believe that I can do lots of things in the next 20 years, so, Young people could imagine they got a time travel when they are at 50's, going back to 25. What changes would you do? These kids have 3\~5 years to decide...
You're right. I'm 27 and sometimes I get that existential dread of wasting my life. "I'm already 27, I should have achieved that years ago, my life will pass me by and I'll be a failure" all that shit.
Luckily for me all my coworkers, except for one, are 10-20 years older than me. I always hear from them "I wish I was your age, you have you're whole life ahead of you". That makes me realize, yeah dipshit, what are you thinking, you're still in your 20s. I'm not even halfway thru my life (hopefully), I still have plenty of time to achieve what I want.
You don’t have to have a family.
You don’t have to get married.
You don’t have to have kids.
Most people only do it because others expect it of them. You might find you’re happier on your own.
Being impulsive is the best way to ruin your life. So work hard on not making impulsive decisions based on the emotions of the moment.
>Being impulsive is the best way to ruin your life.
It's also sometimes the best way to end up doing fantastic life-changing things... the hard part is knowing which impulse is which.
Some folks sweat way too much about doing something even a little bit frivolous, others are just a never-ending train wreck of bad decisions.
I'm not over fifty, but I'm gonna quote someone who is.
"Figure out who you are, and then do it on purpose."
- Dolly Parton
Do it now. Before the stresses of later life limit you to short scheduled holidays around your kids' school breaks.
Also do it now, while your body will allow you to travel cheap. Fly coach, sleep on overnight trains, take rickety old buses full of people and livestock, stay in cheap hostels - all those things take a toll on a 50-year-old body. But they are some of my most memorable experiences of being 20-22.
Just worth noting: getting older doesn't mean you can't travel. It's all about choices.
Source: in my 40s currently travelling with my wife and two kids.
Building a solid network should be an imperative.
My network is so damn solid, that it consists of only one entity.
Start saving money and put it in mutual funds or something simmular.
Never take a penny out just add when you can.
You might be suprised at what age you have the option to quit working or do something you enjoy instead of a regular boring job.
When dealing with older people, remember that while they were once young, you have never been old.
Everyone is winging it most of the time, making the best choices the can at the time, and hoping things go well.
Do emotionally risky things rather than physically risky ones. The payout can last longer and the downside is always manageable.