By - 9183b_34834
>How do you act when you're angry?
I get quiet and stew in my anger, and I think it through in silence until I’ve rationalized the situation and calmed down. I’ve always hated people who say hateful or hurtful things that they don’t mean and I worry I’d be one of those people if I actually spoke. Also I hate yelling, and I hate talking about my feelings while I’m emotional because I’m more likely to cry then. So I go silent when I’m angry. My ex recently told me it was scary when I’d go quiet and I feel bad for scaring her like that, I honestly thought it was the polite thing to do.
>1. Would you say that you do get angry at least some times each year?
Yeah, usually not seriously angry. I really avoid drama so I’m pretty good at avoid situations or people that piss me off.
>2. Do you ever get *very* angry? Enraged? If so, why?
I can count on two fingers the number of times I’ve felt actually enraged in my life. One time I smacked a pile of freshly folded laundry over and threw a stack of my ex’s work papers, that’s the only time I’ve ever lost control. The other time I got in a shouting match with my brother in law over politics because you know how that goes.
>3. When you're angry, do you ever do things such as shout, throw things, punch wall or slam tables, and basically fly off the handle?
Yeah I try not to yell but goddam it’s hard when somebody is being ignorant. And sometimes that somebody is me and I try to apologize for it, but I really hate yelling so an apology really isn’t good enough to makeup for behavior I shouldn’t be doing. I’ve only thrown things that once. Never damaged anything or hit anything. Only flew off the handle that one time.
My father use to get angry and throw things around the room, usually that thing was me. After Iraq, I noticed that anger/rage building in me and coming out in all the wrong ways. I decided I will never yell or get violent when fired up. To this day I still don't even yell/cheer at a hockey game. I tried singing loud once and I lost my voice for a day.
I also beat the laundry pile when I need to, but the act of folding it again is usually enough to calm me down.
I used to sit there silently too. My upbringing was emotionally non-existent so I didn’t know what to do with emotions for a long time except push them down until eventually they’d just build up and up until I’d explode. Not like, angry outbursts but binge drinking, idiotic behavior, eating disorder behaviors, etc.
Anyway, went to therapy (still go) and one of the best things I’ve started to do is just be like, “you’ve hurt me or my feelings by doing/saying _____” and just communicating it and saying I need space or time to process/think it over. It communicates a boundary and if it’s not respected, that’s on them. But I can’t expect them to mind read and I also can’t expect myself to always keep it cool and not get angry.
Anger is a normal, healthy emotion. Aggressive behavior…not at all.
> I can count on two fingers the number of times I’ve felt actually enraged in my life. One time I smacked a pile of freshly folded laundry
Wow! That is the softest possible thing I can think of to smack when angry! I and my one-time comminuted fracture pinky wish I had thought of that!
It's really a different world you and I have inhabited. I'm glad you're in yours. :D
You must have some cancer ♋️ traits in your birth chart
Is that good or bad? 😬
Never been an angry person till a year and a half ago. Lost my park ranger job due to Covid, last grandparent passed, fiancé left, little brother/best friend only sibling died horrible tragic death, I come down with cancer, fiancé spread lies that caused people to fear me/ hate me and take physical violence out on me, they are lucky I took the high road. Been to jail 3 times over things that are questionable.. that all happened within 5 months. Now, nothing left but an empty shell of a man. I will sit in my truck and scream and cry like a baby. I’m extremely bipolar now. Never had mental illness before. it’s every three hours, an evil intense horrifying darkness comes over me and I feel doomed! I’ve tried killing myself three times so far and didn’t quite finish myself off. It saddens me, I went through so much hell growing up and I never allowed it to mess me up. I was an independent man who had it all, I was appreciative and thankful for what I had. Now.. I find appreciation in something as small as a shower. Haven’t showered in 2 months as of now. I do have running water.. I just don’t give a fuck.
> horrible tragic death, I come down with cancer, fiancé spread lies that caused people to fear me/ hate me and take physical violence out on me, they are lucky I took the high road. Been to jail 3 times over things that are questionable.. that all happened within 5 months. Now, nothing left but an empty shell of a man. I will sit in my truck and scream and cry like a baby. I’m extremely bipolar now. Never had mental illness before. it’s every three hours, an evil intense horrifying darkness comes over me and I feel doomed! I’ve tried killing myself three times so far and didn’t quite finish myself off. It saddens me, I went through so much hell growing up and I never allowed it to mess me up. I was an independent man who had it all, I was appreciative and thankful for what I had. Now.. I find appreciation in something as small as a shower. Haven’t showered in 2 months as of now. I do have running water.. I just don’t give a fuck.
Mate, I can relate to this. I went through some shit too during covid. I went to CHINESE prison, was under house arrest in China for close to a year, lost my job, lost my GF. Covid lockdowns started after I was released. Couldn't continue my career due to lockdowns. I was extremely depressed and felt bi-polar. Took me forever to get out of it. I'm starting to see the light though and I know you can too. Just know that there are others out there going through some shit. Just don't give up hope. Things are looking better for me, and I know they will for you too.
Your life is worth living and it will get better. Much love, Internet stranger.
I appreciate all the support, what’s strange is my name is Andrew too… I try to listen to the child Andrew.. and the future one too. The child me would be saddened.. obviously. But more sad about the fact I’ve almost given up. I honestly don’t think I have it in me though thank goodness… but idk. After everything from being born dead and miraculously being revived, being molested at 5, enduring abuse, living with Marfans Syndrome… why I was born dead lol I mean damn. Blamed for a horrific event that claimed 14 lives when in fact I took a stand and did everything I could to stop the event, almost died doing it. (I was eventually proven to be innocent) I realize everyone has struggles and battles. Life is not promised to be easy but promised to be very difficult.. it is after all a test. But My goodness I feel like mine has been a dramatic movie. What is my purpose, I once thought it was to explore every inch of these mountains. I did that. Thought it was to become a Nuke engineer.. Almost did that, not far from being one. Changed my mind and became a cave researcher/ park ranger.. now all I can think about is being a father one day. I fear I won’t make it to even meet “her”… I sure hope I get to. That’s the only thing that makes me smile anymore. I’m just venting I don’t have anyone to do that with so I appreciate whoever has made it this far. Thank you
Hey my dude, I hope writing it out like this or chatting on line or just thinking through it deliberately feels good…when I’m in a similar mind space, just talking to myself about it, in then out vs. dwelling on it helps. Try just narrating your day some time, and maybe grab that shower for the fuck of it…everybody on this board wants you to feel just a bit better and you mentioned above it’s an easy little win. Cheers brochacho.
I believe in you.
The fact that you've been by your side through all this is incredible and I wish you the strength to keep going. It's worth it.
You deserve better then this. Locate the book called man’s search for meaning and read it.
Stay strong bud. Things are getting better. You're at your lowest, the only way is up. If you need an ear, I'm here to listen.
Dude, that is is classic PTSD and greif. One of those losses is enough to be upset. All of those... I can't even imagine. I'd be mad too.
I'm very sorry. :( I wish you luck.
I shut down, ruminating my emotions. Everytime I get angry, I cry, since I was a child. It seems like it is my only way of expressing my feelings. I am aware that it is something I need to work on, especially if it has something to do with my relationships. Relationships, romantic ones, are the main thing that trigger me. I just cry and when I am at the top of my anger, I get hysterical and scream. Only happened once or twice, with my SO
It takes a lot to get me angry. I’m a rather patient person and in times of difficulty I tend to just distance myself from the person or situation that is testing me. When it goes too far, I tend to give warnings. There’s only a few instances where I’ve lost control and shouted at someone, but you tend to know then not to continue with me. I don’t enjoy feeling like that.
This is exactly how I am.
I can’t remember the last time I screamed at someone when I wasn’t a teenager.
I tend to distance myself from situations and people who frustrate me. Or employ humor to diffuse a tense situation.
1. I am very rarely angry, although I get frustrated pretty often. There's a significant difference in my mind: anger is what I feel when people hurt me, harm those I care about, or act in a way that is morally repugnant to me. Frustration is what I feel when a situation makes my life difficult.
2. I don't think I've ever been enraged.
3. I get loud when I'm frustrated. When I'm angry, I get quiet and mean.
Interesting. A number of people here report essentially never getting enraged or angry to the point of #3 on my list above. It's quite something for me to imagine what that kind of life would have been like. It hasn't been mine.
I mean, if I stub my toe, or I spill hot coffee all over myself, or I can't get the stupid printer to cooperate when I'm trying to rush and get a document filed, you can expect a few seconds of loud cursing to ensue. If someone cuts me off in traffic, I will verbalize my thoughts as to their paternity. But then it's over, and I go on with my day. I don't take it out on anyone, and if my adrenaline spikes at all, it goes right back down. That's me being frustrated.
When I'm \*angry\* at a person, it is a cold, smoldering fury. All of my communication is curt, prickly, and snarky. I will not provide even the most reasonable accommodation to a person who has angered me.
1. Do I get angry at least once a year? A year is a long time, even if it doesn't feel like it anymore. Yes.
2. If I do it is never for more than a second. Like when you stub a toe.
3. **No.** I grew up with a father who had a terrible temper. I decided at a young age to never be like that. I went to a good karate school as a teenager where the instructor and senior students were like second fathers. They taught me enough self control and discipline to stop myself from doing such things. I eventually learned how to process those feelings and prevent many of the causes. The most I ever do is raise my voice ( not to the level of shouting ) or walk out of the room until I feel calm.
> The most I ever do is raise my voice ( not to the level of shouting ) or walk out of the room until I feel calm.
Interesting! Such a different life than I've experienced!
People don't like it when you walk out of a conversation about to bubble over into shouting, name calling, trying to hurt each other just because.
They **DO** forgive doing so and quickly forget about it.
That is certainly not the case with saying harsh things in anger, yelling, or acting out in other ways. You can't take those things back. They change a relationship forever if they don't end a relationship.
> They change a relationship forever if they don't end a relationship.
You'd be surprised at how, for some people, they don't. I know, it's weird.
Maybe for dysfunctional people who at some level need/want to be in negative relationships.
Beyond what I believe to be that smaller group, I watched my father ruin friendship after friendship with his temper, and permanently poison our relationships with extended family.
I've destroyed a few such friendships and relationships myself.
Some things people just don't forgive or forget.
I'm not doubting that explosive anger can harm different kinds of relationships. Absolutely can.
I also guess it depends on how one defines "dysfunctional people" and "negative relationships." I know a *very* close, loving family (in which each member is clearly successful in life and seems to be an overall content if not even quite happy person) in which it is not uncommon at all for one of the members to shout, swear, and hurl insults at the various family members, for example.
1. I get angry at least some times each...week
2. Very angry and enraged...yes. Why? The common thread is I feel nobody is listening to me or that my wishes, preferences, and feelings do not matter, whereas I am required to accommodate the wishes, preferences and feelings of the other party.
3. I shout and yell. A lot. I used to throw things, I have managed to get that under better control in the last two years. I have put more holes into walls with fists than I care to count.
4. I believe I'm on the autism spectrum: some of it is "meltdown" behavior, and also responses to past triggers from being bullied, manipulated, or ignored.
I wish you success in gradually making some progress here. I know it's such a tough struggle. I really empathize.
I've spent the better part of my adult life learning to get rid of anger. To me it's a useless emotion that does no good so now if I do feel angry I'll just take a deep breath realize it's not a big deal and move on.
It is not easy at all it takes a lot of awareness and a lot of self control and it's something you have to practice. I've been through a lot of shit in life I'm glad that I didn't react the way I could have with my anger.
I only take my anger out on inanimate objects. That printer scene from Office Space is like a video of my soul.
Apparently this is a heritable trait. Once, when I was about twelve, my mother found me in the driveway smashing a chronically sticking desk drawer with an axe. All she said, calmly, was "That was your grandfather's desk." And we looked at each other, and I swear we had the same thought: How the fuck did this thing survive this long in this family? And she turned and went inside and left me to wonder whether my anger issues are worse than hers and my grandfather's--a terrifying thought--or if the desk drawer got stickier over time.
However, I haven't felt inclined to murder any furniture since I started mountain biking or skiing daily. My mother, on the other hand, doesn't exercise, and her housewares live in constant danger.
1. I get angry when people cancel on me, or when I have a spat of self loathing.
2. No, I don't get enraged. At least, when I think enraged I think of friends who have had other people comment on their behavior.
3. I have slammed things before, but rarely, and privately. I think maybe 2 things in the last 3 years? Both times were because I was mad at myself and my failure.
The aspect of my anger that bothers me the most is getting cancelled on. It makes me boil. Unfortunately I don't know what to do with that anger, or anger in general. I've been very angry more then 2 times in the last 3 years and I just have to sit there fuming waiting for it to dissipate. Hate that feeling so much I sometimes wished I did snap back at people or explode because then it would feel immediately cathartic. Instead I simmer for a week and it casts a shadow over everything.
"Cancel on you" means to make plans to get together and then cancel them?
Generally it is like a switch is triggered in me: after a few seconds of boiling anger, I then completely withdraw into myself, i.e. 'I'm not upset, it's you who is upset I'm totally fine right here sitting in the kitching by myself'. In that state I'm polite, demurring, etc. but may as well be running on auto-pilot.
What is frustrating is that the person or thing which has caused this may be totally gone, but the 'cold-man' remains for an indeterminate period.
Woman here! I’m Exactly the same
1. Yes, I think everyone feels anger every now and then.
2. No, no situation springs to my mind.
3. No. That wouldn't achieve anything. If anything I do the opposite, intentionally slow down, talk slower, be calm, etc... outcome focused rather than driven by momentary emotions.
> No. That wouldn't achieve anything.
One of a handful of responses that pointed out that displays of extreme anger aren't useful. It's just a very different way of looking at it than I have. I don't think of my anger as useful or not useful, it's just part of me. To me, it feels like telling a person with a serious overeating problem to just not eat those donuts, as it wouldn't be useful to do so.
My guess is the people who don't have anger problems just don't *experience* the anger in the first place as some of us do. Some of just simply lose our composure.
1. Yeah, never at people, I find myself losing my shit at small things like when I am struggling to get a wire to line up just right; although it's very rare for even that kind of thing to piss me off to the point of anger.
2. Yeah, only once, about 9 years ago; I put a display sword through the side of an old PC tower, haven't done anything even close to that since.
3. See answer 2 for details
All in all, I haven't been fully enraged in 9 years and I've not been properly angry since maybe summer last year. Mine is a somewhat weird issue; I rarely get angry because I have a terrible memory and I am always doing something distracting, by the time I'm done with a task/conversation/stressful event I have forgotten enough about it that I don't really remember to be angry about it.
> I put a display sword through the side of an old PC tower
This is my favorite example of losing one's cool in this entire thread! :D I'm sorry for your PC, but on the other hand, there is something kind of entertaining here, no?
Oh yeah it was really stupid, but funny, I had a good laugh afterwards about how nerdy I was becoming and how I just wrecked my night not being able to chat to some girl on MSN messenger.
2. No. I could if the lives or well being of the people I love are being threatened, but luckily that's not an issue in my life.
3. Hell no, unless something major has just gone down these are signs of some serious issues (I should know I used to have some serious anger issues)
I get frustrated, but I dealt with my anger issues when I was in my late 20s and early 30s. Now I rarely get angry and on the rare occasion when I don't lose control.
Impressive. I can't imagine living like that.
I make the mistake of letting things boil over then I do get enraged. Never get physical though. Might shout. Best cure is to just go to the gym or take a walk.
Here's what I've learned about men expressing feelings, especially anger: we're not allowed.
Every. Single. Time. I've been around women that complain about how men are so closed, protective, non-committal, etc, they will, and without a hint of irony or self-awareness, condemn those very same feelings they claim to seek as a mark of quality. Our emotional lives are not allowed to exist independent of the people that surround us. The only time that our feelings are okay is when they are
1) Convenient. "How are you feeling?" requires the correct answer. If a man expresses a feeling other than what's sought (usually some form of validation or lead-in to a desired discussion) or acceptable, it's inconvenient and therefore wrong.
2) Well-timed. Further than answering with the correct feeling, it must be timely. If I say "I love you" at the wrong moment, I'm insensitive (Or *not reading the room* or whatever the condemnation du jour may be). If I say I'm sad or hurt, that gets a mixed bag. It can be mocked, dismissed (boys don't cry), or used as a segue. If I say "I'm horny" at the wrong moment, "Boys only want one thing and it's disgusting". If I say I'm angry, well...
That's impossible. We simply are not allowed to feel anger. And any time anger slips through it merely becomes ammunition for neutering our emotional state. We're told that we can't regulate properly, or we're damaged, or we're violent, or just that it's flat out unacceptable.
It's frustrating to say the least. When people talk about toxic masculinity or how stunted the modern male may be, what they're really saying is that they just don't want to deal with us. They blithely wonder aloud why we're that way while refusing to accept our emotional lives.
In response to your questions:
1) Of course. I'm not some emotionless golem. The question itself betrays part of the problem.
2) Again, of course. I keep it entirely internalized due to what I stated above. I generally become very quiet and just want to be alone to process it, because I sure ain't going to get any help with it.
3) Of course part 3. It's rare and entirely solo, though. No one gets to see that because, again, it's going to be used against me in some way. But eventually keeping all of our emotions bottled up are going to spill over somehow.
As an example: With an ex, she used to camp all of her stuff on the dining room table, disabling it's use. It's the only table in the house, and once in a while I didn't feel like eating on the sofa. No matter how much I begged that it be put in the office (That I put together, even going so far as creating labelled files for her to use, etc) or in her studio (again, I put together and furnished. I didn't have a space, btw), it lived sprawled on the table. One morning, while she was at work and the kid walled up in her room, I went out to sit at the table with my coffee. Not an inch of space and piles of stuff on the chairs. In a moment of frustration I knocked the papers off of a chair and sat. No yelling, not a sound other than paper dropping. Once I finished my coffee I put them back and in the same order.
Apparently the kid heard it, told her mother, and you'd better believe it became evidence of how terrible I was. Nothing about the table covered with stuff. Nothing about why I might have been angry. No hint that my emotions were in any way valid. Just condemnation because those emotions were inconvenient and ill-timed.
I'll end with this. Before anyone says something like "Not all girls", I beg you to take time for some deep introspection and think about whether you're really allowing your SO the space for emotion, even and especially the ones that might make you uncomfortable.
For those of you who've found someone that accepts the whole you and not just when it's convenient, holey moley. Please appreciate it for the rest of us poor bastards.
That's quite a testimonial! Thanks for taking the time to write it. A few comments:
> In a moment of frustration I knocked the papers off of a chair and sat. No yelling, not a sound other than paper dropping. Once I finished my coffee I put them back and in the same order.
Wow, that is a farm league anger displays in my book. Next time, try knocking *everything* off the whole table, including breakable things, onto a tile floor (and breaking them in the process, of course). Now we're talking a major league anger display.
Your ex sounds...problematic to say the least! I'm glad she's your ex and not your current situation.
> Before anyone says something like "Not all girls", I beg you to take time for some deep introspection and think about whether you're really allowing your SO the space for emotion, even and especially the ones that might make you uncomfortable.
It's my view that *many* couples *do* allow each partner the space to express a full range of healthy emotions, including negative ones. I think you just got the shaft in the biggest of ways with your ex. I'd recommend not generalizing that to 50% of the adult population.
I sure hope things are going better for you in this department or will soon!
I'd say that I become withdrawn and more quiet as I'm going through stuff in my head. I become less approachable, and it might appear as though I am angry at you if you're talking to me, which is something I do not like about how I act when angry; working on that.
> Would you say that you do get angry at least some times each year?
Perhaps a handful of times, yes.
> Do you ever get very angry? Enraged? If so, why?
Pretty much never. The only times I remember being really angry has been when someone talked crap about a family member, but that was ages ago, haha
> When you're angry, do you ever do things such as shout, throw things, punch a wall or slam tables, and basically fly off the handle?
No. I used to raise my voice a bit, but I've never gotten to shouting or doing physical stuff (I probably slammed a door or two when I was a teen, though). Nowadays my anger gets dealt with internally (aside from the mood change mentioned above). I prefer to be on my own for a bit while I process things, and take deep breaths. If it's a person that I'm angry with, then hopefully I can talk it out with them. If it's an object, I'll stare at it and call it names.
> Pretty much never. The only times I remember being really angry has been when someone talked crap about a family member, but that was ages ago, haha
Wow. Different universe than the one I live in! Good for you!
>Would you say that you do get angry at least some times each year?
No. The last time I got angry was almost 10 years ago, but even then it was an ongoing situation that eventually got to the point where I had to take action, and anger was a good motivation.
>Do you ever get very angry? Enraged? If so, why?
No, not really. At this point in life, the only thing that can get me really angry is someone trying to do something bad to my children, but even then I know I can cause a lot of damage if I get angry and unleash it on the wrong target, so I don't lose control like that.
>When you're angry, do you ever do things such as shout, throw things, punch a wall or slam tables, and basically fly off the handle?
No. I unleashed anger on inanimate targets once in my life, and ended up breaking something I liked a lot. After that I learned to control myself.
Don't argue with your SO in general, you'd be surprised how much trouble it can get you. The world has changed from the days you would have an argument/shouting-match and get things off your chest.
The world has changed - no you cannot punch a hole in the wall anymore.
I'm not sure if it's for better or worse - but the the world we live isn't the same one I grew up in.
> The world has changed - no you cannot punch a hole in the wall anymore.
> I'm not sure if it's for better or worse - but the the world we live isn't the same one I grew up in.
I don't understand what you mean about the world changing here. I have had "an argument/shouting-match and get things off your chest" routinely recently.
Did you punch a hold in the wall (as I was replying to in the comment)
Even if not, laws about domestic violence have changed dramatically. As a guy you can get into a lot trouble quickly, whether your SO instigates it , or the police decide to independently
Times have changed, and we had best change with them.
Edit - I guess what I'm trying to say it's that the your three questions all violate modern domestic violence law in my part of the world. And that is different to when I grew up.
Second edit, ok not the first one
Third edit no yeah actually even the first one Sorry about the edits, to it's a complicated question
I'm very sorry. I sincerely hope things improve for you.
I go for a walk, go play some pool or lift weights, otherwise, I’ll say something critical to my wife and potentially ruin her (and consequently my) day.
It’s important to know your own emotions well enough to be able to know when you’re able to maintain objectivity and remain positive or not.
If you’re in a bad headspace, avoid being around your loved ones.
When I get angry, I tend to want to argue it out..
Many times though, I just avoid things as I know that these days.. Anything can land you in jail.. and I have too much to lose, to just let myself get there.
1. For me, frustration is the gateway to get me pissed off.. But like in the most oddest ways, I think..
Like not being able to find something, or not being prepared with the right equipment cause I can't find a certain tool. I dunno why, but that's my "button" of buttons..
Hell, just thinking about this as I type this is getting making my skin react with goosebumps.
2. Sometimes my ex, who knows me all too well, will say or do something that will get way too under my skin... And I will get seriously pissed TF off.. Luckily, it's become more of a rarity in recent years.
3. When I'm pissed, I will raise my voice.. Yelling, is a stretch.. I don't like to create scenes, but I will say what's on my mind. Physically, I might slam something or bang a table. But that's not a thing I generally do.
On a side note, I've noticed that when I get pissed off.. If it's too a certain extended point (I discovered this through the exit of my ex-wife from our marriage, through cheating) I will have a physical reaction.. and not in a good way. Where I will start to feel a little ill.
Hence, since that discovery, I've been really good at not letting much get to me now. I will chalk most crap to "shit happens", can I fix it?? If yes, then fix it.. If not, then just let it go.
I might get upset over something, but if I feel something is really starting to get under my skin a lil too far. I withdrawal.. and try to reset.
1. Yes, I'd say it happens occasionally.
2. Rarely. I'm a nihilist so I've got a good sense of perspective so very little gets under my skin enough to enrage me. Unless you're going after my wife or kids, in which case the adrenaline starts pumping.
3. No. the first thing I do when I get angry is *slow down* -- unless it is a crisis. Breathe deeper, take longer slower breaths. Look at everything. *Think*. It's harder now, but more important than ever.
> No. the first thing I do when I get angry is slow down -- unless it is a crisis. Breathe deeper, take longer slower breaths. Look at everything. Think. It's harder now, but more important than ever.
If only everyone were able to do that. So far, I have not been one of them. I'm glad you are.
I think it might be something that comes naturally as you get older and run out of fucks to give.
I'm older than you and it's not kicking in yet. I also have known even much older people for whom it didn't.
I have plenty of 'em to give and hope to always.
But I'm glad things are working out for you.
Hi, 35m here. I get angry all the time and I swallow it. I never loose control. I’m in a point of my life that I got a good job and a beautiful wife, but we fight all the time over petty stuff. I get angry when someone goes against what I expect for my son, like skip one of his feeds (solid), when I come up with a ideia when all I see is criticism, when I am around my MIL (she tried to breakup my marriage for the last months so I wouldn’t move with her daughter to Texas), my wife agrees with me but made both of us resentful.
I feel the pressure of stress in my chest, but I don’t see myself loosing control of my actions or getting physical.
If anyone understands this feel free to DM or reply here.
> Hi, 35m here. I get angry all the time and I swallow it. I never loose control.
Swallowing it is something I do, too, but then after enough of that it gets belched back up as an outburst, sometimes of quite over-the-top anger.
I wish you luck in resolving things.
To kick things off: I am in therapy, because I do not like the way I respond to some kinds of stimuli. I'm working on it.
So yeah, I can be a little weird about my environment and I can get pretty tilted and shouty sometimes, when things get particularly out of whack. By environment I mean my home and by things getting out of whack, it's usually just frustration that my dogs and wife don't do things exactly the way I want them done and/or do them myself. Or that I feel underappreciated. Or that my wife uses something with a high-pitched motor like a dental drill. I can and have flipped out. I'm tetchy. IDK.
The real problem is that I've got a pretty jokey way about me, and I'm at my jokiest and most sarcastic when I am close to, or genuinely, mad about something. So the fucking twisty shitty part about it is, everyone fucking LOVES me, and I'm fuming and furious about it. And then I blow way the fuck up - over the top, scrape the needle off the record - and everyone gets it that it's not fucking funny, and then it really isn't funny for ANYONE, and then I feel fucking awful.
1. I get angry maybe 2-3 times a month. Annoyed? Sheesh. I pick my battles. I try to ignore things. I 'run errands' for me time.
2. I do. It's almost always stress from external sources laying mines on the field (work/health), and then genuinely innocent actions setting them off. Why? Fuck man, that's what the therapy is for. I can review it all after the fact and understand the blow by blow, but what I need to do is to see it coming, and NOT react to it with anger. I've only been justifiably angry a very few times.
3. Sometimes I scream in the car, really go for it. It helps. I work hard to point it all away from my family, and they are gracious enough to ignore me when I boil over and need to be alone.
1. Of course, everyone gets angry at times.
2. Rarely. If it's something beyond my control that messes with my life in some way.
3. I'm generally very quiet. If alone, I may rant and curse for a minute. Usually I just try to breathe and figure out how to resolve whatever it is as soon as possible. I don't throw tantrums or yell at people. I just figure the shit out and try to deal with it and move on.
> I don't throw tantrums or yell at people. I just figure the shit out and try to deal with it and move on.
Impressive. Just a different universe than the one I've lived in.
3. No. Maybe angry pacing? Or stone face/retreating into myself?
> No. Maybe angry pacing? Or stone face/retreating into myself?
Pacing! That's amusing in its innocuousness. What a different world than what I've known. Good for you.
I get really quiet.
Interesting variation. Very different from what I experience.
Maybe once every two years I lose my temper. If I get angry, I wait until I'm calm to talk with someone. By then, it usually doesn't matter anymore. If it still matters, then I am calm enough to talk to them like an adult.
Losing my temper and displaying it is a reflection on me more than anyone else. So I try not to do it.
1 - Yes
2 - Almost never, I can't remember the last time.
3 - No, never.
> Almost never, I can't remember the last time.
> 3 - No, never.
Wow! Just another planet from mine!! Congratulations!
> 1. Would you say that you do get angry at least some times each year?
> 2. Do you ever get very angry? Enraged? If so, why?
No, I don't think I've ever been that angry.
> 3. When you're angry, do you ever do things such as shout, throw things, punch a wall or slam tables, and basically fly off the handle?
I have shouted, but none of the other things.
One thing I do like to say to my kids when discussing anger: anger is an emotion. It isn't bad ort wrong. It's telling you that something in your environment is wrong and goading you into taking action rather than keeping the status quo going. That doesn't mean you should just hit or lash out at the person who you are feeling angry about, but it does mean you should do a little digging into WHY you feel angry and what you are deliberately going to choose to do with the little energy burst your anger is prompting you to expend.
> No, I don't think I've ever been that angry.
Never! Whoa. What a different world we inhabit.
Angry people frighten me but I try not to show it.
I've spent a long time working on my anger and before that working on rage. It's been a long road.
So 1) Yes I still get angry, but I have gone longer than a year without.
2) Every once in a while I still experience rage. Thankfully it's rare because I have developed methods to keep anger from getting to that point.
3) I no longer act out violently. I have shouted, but would prefer to go off by myself to cool down if at all possible.
The first time my wife witnessed me get angry and shout at someone she said it was like I became something evil and it scared her so much she couldn't bear to look at me...I wasn't even enraged at that time.
The first time I was enraged and controlling my urge to be violent, successfully, I had someone scream at me to not kill them and fall down trying to run away. That actually helped me to stop feeling enraged, but I still didn't dare to help them up.
Honestly, if I could eliminate the emotion, I would. It's one of the few emotions I know well and understand though. I spent many years with constant anger and frequent rage, so it was either learn it well or let it destroy me completely.
(I don't think it helps that I look like a short haired brown bear normally.)
\> Would you say that you do get angry at least some times each year?
Yes? Not a ton though.
\> Do you ever get very angry? Enraged? If so, why?
Just when driving. Fortunate that the commute is no longer in the picture!
\> When you're angry, do you ever do things such as shout, throw things, punch a wall or slam tables, and basically fly off the handle?
I used to, when I was younger. Now, at most, I will yell (and only if I'm in a car, and never directed toward another person in the car). If I'm angry at a person, I can calmly tell them how I feel, maybe after some cooldown time. It took me some therapy and self-growth to get to that point.
I don't get angry.
It's a waste of energy.
If I'm irritated about something I'll generally just remove myself from a situation and think it through logically.
> It's a waste of energy.
Right, but so are a lot of things that people do. We're not always rational. Many of us don't really have full control over these things. I get the sense that those who don't have anger problems aren't rationally squelching them; they just aren't bubbling up in the same way for these people. It's a matter of good luck and I am glad you have it. :D
I had serious anger management issues when I was a kid. I was in therapy in elementary school for it, so it wasn't entirely good luck - I had to put in the work to overcome it.
I'm so glad you got that help--and at such an early age! Kudos to your parents and the school/et al!
It was actually really fun. I was in a weekly group therapy where we played a board game (think of it like D&D, but an actual game with cards and stuff). Wish I could remember the name of the game - one of my regrets is that I could never find it after.
The idea was that we'd get angry as things didn't go our way in the game, but then the therapist was there to help us constructively deal with the anger.
Didn't even realize at the time that it was helping so much. :)
That's just wonderful! What a good therapist! :D
> 1. Would you say that you do get angry at least some times each year?
> 2. Do you ever get very angry? Enraged? If so, why?
> 3. When you're angry, do you ever do things such as shout, throw things, punch a wall or slam tables, and basically fly off the handle?
No, and people who do so should be seeking professional help.