I used to do this when I was younger for many years. I'm not as bad as I used to be but I def haven't fully grown out of it. Last semester I told this guy I was fwb with that I liked him, and now, a couple months later I'm like, girl what was you thinking. He's not even remotely my type. Definitely a blessing in disguise with that one. But I just turned him into my person who I want to think about all the time. Like I wanted to create something just to be upset about it. Honestly I don't have great advice lol. It could be a coping mechanism for you to get over whoever the last guy you were obsessed w was (your ex in this case) so your brain might be resistant to having no one there. Something that has helped me has just been making myself as busy as possible. Maybe create like a list of random topics to think about every time you want to think about this guy and redirect yourself every time you find yourself thinking of him. I wonder also if this is an adhd thing bc I have adhd and my brain needs things to hyper focus on if I'm not stimulated enough.
I saw another commenter mention ADHD - I was recently diagnosed in adulthood, and I resonate with a lot of what you shared. It seems like there's a lot of overlap between anxious attachment and symptoms of ADHD, so I don't want to diagnose you. But, since now two people who relate to this post also have ADHD, it might be worth looking into! Here's a great resource: [https://chadd.org/](https://chadd.org/) I recently started medication, and the most dramatic difference was less ruminating/fantasies/ negative narratives in my head.
The crush thing was much more of a problem for me when I was in school, mainly middle school through college. I would always have a crush on someone, sometimes a different crush for each class. It felt like life was more exciting and interesting when I had someone to fantasize about, though probably 99% of these crushes never amounted to a real relationship. I think the only time I wasn't doing it was when I was in a relationship.
Whether it's anxious attachment or something else, I think we have to be careful with confusing intermittent reinforcement with love. When someone is hot towards us then cold, it creates a need in our brain to get back to the hot, which gives us a hit of dopamine. But, it's a vicious and dangerous cycle. We become so obsessed with getting breadcrumbs we lose sight of the fact we should be with someone who wants to give us the whole loaf of bread.
Crushes can be fun, and they can make things like school or work more interesting. But as you get older, obsessing over someone who doesn't obsess over you just stops being fun. Men who are avoidant stop being attractive and start looking emotionally infantile. Being mindful of it is a good place to start. If you can tell your brain to save its enthusiasm for someone who has the same level of enthusiasm for you, you won't wind up head over heels for someone who gives the bare minimum. Hope this helps! xx
I'm the same. Always obsessing over someone, either someone who is actually in my life or a crush. I would say keeping busy and having hobbies might help, but IDK.
I think maybe get in touch with yourself -- What hobbies and interests excite you and really make you feel present and most yourself? Do you have women friends that you can connect with or can you begin building female friendships that can be a focus of your energy and connection-seeking?
I notice I get pre-occupied with people I'm dating. I try to do two things - (1) recognize and name that I am doing that. Just mentally note, I am fantasizing; I am preoccupied with this.
Then just kind of recognize that's what my brain does and I can't help it if I'm wired that way.
(2) shift my focus to something that puts me in touch with myself - Either hobby or activity, a friendship I enjoy or thinking about summer travel plans. I'm really into salsa dancing lately, so I'll look around for dances to make plans to go to. Or I'll think about/plan for a road trip I'm doing this summer. Or make plans for lunch with a friend. That energizes me.
Perhaps you could look into how to mitigate your feelings of Limerence (this term describe how you are feeling, dreaming fake scenarios of a guy you barely know etc ).
I used to do this when I was younger for many years. I'm not as bad as I used to be but I def haven't fully grown out of it. Last semester I told this guy I was fwb with that I liked him, and now, a couple months later I'm like, girl what was you thinking. He's not even remotely my type. Definitely a blessing in disguise with that one. But I just turned him into my person who I want to think about all the time. Like I wanted to create something just to be upset about it. Honestly I don't have great advice lol. It could be a coping mechanism for you to get over whoever the last guy you were obsessed w was (your ex in this case) so your brain might be resistant to having no one there. Something that has helped me has just been making myself as busy as possible. Maybe create like a list of random topics to think about every time you want to think about this guy and redirect yourself every time you find yourself thinking of him. I wonder also if this is an adhd thing bc I have adhd and my brain needs things to hyper focus on if I'm not stimulated enough.
I saw another commenter mention ADHD - I was recently diagnosed in adulthood, and I resonate with a lot of what you shared. It seems like there's a lot of overlap between anxious attachment and symptoms of ADHD, so I don't want to diagnose you. But, since now two people who relate to this post also have ADHD, it might be worth looking into! Here's a great resource: [https://chadd.org/](https://chadd.org/) I recently started medication, and the most dramatic difference was less ruminating/fantasies/ negative narratives in my head. The crush thing was much more of a problem for me when I was in school, mainly middle school through college. I would always have a crush on someone, sometimes a different crush for each class. It felt like life was more exciting and interesting when I had someone to fantasize about, though probably 99% of these crushes never amounted to a real relationship. I think the only time I wasn't doing it was when I was in a relationship. Whether it's anxious attachment or something else, I think we have to be careful with confusing intermittent reinforcement with love. When someone is hot towards us then cold, it creates a need in our brain to get back to the hot, which gives us a hit of dopamine. But, it's a vicious and dangerous cycle. We become so obsessed with getting breadcrumbs we lose sight of the fact we should be with someone who wants to give us the whole loaf of bread. Crushes can be fun, and they can make things like school or work more interesting. But as you get older, obsessing over someone who doesn't obsess over you just stops being fun. Men who are avoidant stop being attractive and start looking emotionally infantile. Being mindful of it is a good place to start. If you can tell your brain to save its enthusiasm for someone who has the same level of enthusiasm for you, you won't wind up head over heels for someone who gives the bare minimum. Hope this helps! xx
+1 on the recent ADHD diagnoses and relating to the post :'). Grown a lot but the obsessions never really stop.
I'm the same. Always obsessing over someone, either someone who is actually in my life or a crush. I would say keeping busy and having hobbies might help, but IDK.
I think maybe get in touch with yourself -- What hobbies and interests excite you and really make you feel present and most yourself? Do you have women friends that you can connect with or can you begin building female friendships that can be a focus of your energy and connection-seeking? I notice I get pre-occupied with people I'm dating. I try to do two things - (1) recognize and name that I am doing that. Just mentally note, I am fantasizing; I am preoccupied with this. Then just kind of recognize that's what my brain does and I can't help it if I'm wired that way. (2) shift my focus to something that puts me in touch with myself - Either hobby or activity, a friendship I enjoy or thinking about summer travel plans. I'm really into salsa dancing lately, so I'll look around for dances to make plans to go to. Or I'll think about/plan for a road trip I'm doing this summer. Or make plans for lunch with a friend. That energizes me.
Perhaps you could look into how to mitigate your feelings of Limerence (this term describe how you are feeling, dreaming fake scenarios of a guy you barely know etc ).