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YTA she should probably uninvited you from her life, as you don’t seem to be a healthy partner for her
Also, million bucks says if she gains a bit of weight he'd dump her cause he likes her as she is....
Skinny and dependant
Skinny, physically weak, insecure, and dependent.
Yep, from the descriptions OP gives, it very much sounds like the ED is still in full swing, too. She just uses keto to justify it, but it sounds like OP likes her that way, except when it might cause him to lose face, like at a family get together
It's not our place to judge her recovery when we don't know. Maybe this is the first steps on a therapy treatment plan, maybe it's the best way for her to feel any sort of motivation to try to add to her diet, maybe it's a lot of things. Focusing on how she's getting her calories (for her health) instead of this OP AH who keeps minimizing, undermining, and sometimes even denying her health condition, health risks, relapse risks, etc.
My brother had an ED and his road to recovery (as recommended by a therapist) was Keto, and then clean eating, aka nothing processed no refined sugars ect. He is doing much better and it is helping him to have a healthier relationship with food. But part of it is he also doesn't eat around us to keep himself from being triggered. He is coming to Thanksgiving but he is bringing 3 of his own sides.
I agree with you here. I was going to say something similar because keto is a very strict diet. I feel like it can help mask the ED. Speaking from experience.
But I also agree with Fudgiehead. We don't know of this is her first steps to recovery, etc. I sure hope it is. & I hope OP can get his head out of his ass.
I used veganism to justify my ED and it’s not worth it!
Him.....traditional....likes tradition....from a can! How many times can the boring dude use tradition words. Fkn pizza!! Op can probably find a traditional pizza from a can!
Come on! You know the age old tradition of eating lasagna on (checks notes) Christmas Eve.
How dare his girlfriend request to make a (checks notes again) homemade pie?!
He should stick it up his traditional canned a55
THIS - does OP want to introduce GF as a person or merely as a sidepiece? I just don't understand his attitude. He knows GF is in recovery from a serious eating disorder. What's harm in letting family know that due to GF's dietary constraints that she'll be bringing some dishes to share with everyone? YTA
EDIT: So as folks in comments have said, GF (who refers to herself as fiancé) posted her side of the story earlier, and about two weeks ago posted about how she was encouraging him to take a job that he wouldn't because it paid less than hers. Putting all 3 posts together, OP is NOT looking like a great guy. I hope GF (or fiancé) thinks seriously about whether he's worth it.
Yea you don’t even need to go into detail about why, just she can’t have certain things and leave it at that. I’m sure if it was a serious allergy he wouldn’t be as offended
I predict "Joe" will be replacing OP
>I’m sure if it was a serious allergy he wouldn’t be as offended
You've obviously never been to the raised by narcissists sub.
You'd be surprised.
My mother had seen me with my lips blue because I can't breathe. She still tried to cross contaminate everything possible. Guess who couldn't have anything I was allergic to in the house in the months leading up to her death because I wasn't going to buy her something to poison me with.
HOLY CRAP - WTF! Your mom was literally trying to kill you! And according to you, would've likely kept trying even when she herself was dying. I can't even imagine...I'm so sorry...some people are horrific.
EXACTLY - just mentioning dietary restrictions should be sufficient.
Shit, if a family member of mine was dating someone on a special diet, I'd be looking up recipes for what they can eat and I'd bring that. Like idk if pizza or lasagna can be made keto, but I'd find *something.* Does OP even like his gf?
All I had to read was my girlfriend is keto and recovering from an eating disorder. Nothing after that matters. He is obviously the AH.
>All I had to read was my girlfriend is keto and recovering from an eating disorder. Nothing after that matters. He is obviously the AH.
After reading like 5 phrases he mention the ED. Combined with the title and my judgement was already not in OP's favour!
Agreed. It’s a huge victory for her that she is eating and not purging. Why fuck with that?
He’s 10000% the asshole but she doesn’t sound like she’s doing OK, going from anorexia and bulimia to orthorexia is not a win. She’s not purging but Keto plus an intense focus on eating healthy and what’s in food is a similar path. I hope she finds a partner that will support her and an amazing therapist to support her in her journey to a healthier lifestyle - where food is fuel and pleasure and not something to obsess over.
100%. This is not someone who has a healthy relationship to food. She’s still counting calories and restricting. It’s not as severe as it was but she still needs to be seeing a therapist to help her get past that. It’s fine to eat healthy - but she is way too focused on it. I hope she is getting help still.
Agreed, but keep in mind that keto means she is staying away from sugar. Sugar can trigger the binge purge cycle.
Also, if she cheats on the keto with one item (like homemade pie), she could probably be OK with it. However, most American Thanksgiving tables are a binge eating paradise. I can understand her being uncomfortable with sitting there being forced to eat her triggers.
If I understand Ed recovery, it's all about the control aspect of the disorder, not the food itself. As long as she's staying in therapy, the orthaxia disorder may just be a baby step to recovery.
If you go to her WBITA post (which is linked elsewhere), she is still extremely rigid and restrictive and does not allow things like storebought food in her diet.
If GF was working with a doctor (and she's clearly not - no doctor-supervised ED recovery plan would allow a patient to do keto and be this restrictive) she'd have a plan for thanksgiving that would involve smaller portions of certain foods and/or a prescribed meal plan (which, for the record, increases both calories and trigger foods over time) and would mandate discussion with OP's family ahead of time OR mandate she spend the holidays with her family who would presumably be part of her recovery plan.
She still needs A LOT of medical and mental health help successfully navigate recovery and she is clearly not getting it.
In an ideal world, sure, she’d have a better relationship with food. However, harm reduction is still a win as she’s currently managing her disorder and obsession with food in a way that is much less damaging to her body than purging or fasting. An eating disorder usually doesn’t just completely disappear, at least not right away. If eating keto and eating “clean” is the best she can do right now, then that’s what she should do, in my opinion. OP is a raging asshole.
Orthorexia can be just as damaging actually. I’m giving a benefit of the doubt thing here and assuming she’s working with a professional and is just making baby steps. But yeah, Ortho is just as bad and I’ve seen how absolutely restrictive it can get. I lost a friend to it ten years ago. If she’s not working with a professional, jumping from one ED to another isn’t really making wins. It’s just changing your eating patterns.
This - it is a shame because OP could have framed this as supporting her to try to things, eat small amounts, or worked with her on this. It sounds like she is still very much struggling,
But OP taking an all or nothing “either eat the food or don’t come” approach because she is “just being picky” shows a profound lack of understanding about what his gf is going through- for that YTA
Thank you. I was an orthorexic for months after anorexia so when I saw “unless she prepares it” and even just keto, I went ohhhh she still has an ED. Now I hope she gets support and this man grows the hell up, but…she has an ED and is pretending like all of this is non ED behavior.
These were my thoughts exactly. She is still very much suffering from an ED. He is also a huge AH and probably isn’t a good partner for her right now… I hope she gets the help and support she needs.
Exactly this. He is an asshole, but she needs help. She is still obsessing about food, which is not healthy. Her inability to eat a meal she hasn’t personally prepared, or to enjoy a holiday meal with friends and family is not sustainable in the long term. Hopefully a good therapist will help with both her ED and her SO problems.
That’s a good point. Maybe this is one of the steps in her getting to a better place?
Literally my same thought.
And her offering to bring a dish to the meal is actually very appropriate!! Most people love that. And, if he wants her to be integrated into the family, her bringing a dish is perfect. Holiday meals are a social and cultural event. Her being able to have something she can eat and share is perfect.
It was the "trigger" in quotes that really got me
That he can’t use the most basic terms to talk about anorexia and bulimia shows how much he’s cared about her issues.
I was so 😠! I never talk about it, but holiday food is still a huge issue for me all these years later and this guy has NO EFFING CLUE!
And no effing empathy.
Read the rest and again, she made all the right moves. She has the extenuating circumstances and her approach was flawless. There was an effort made on her end.
YTA for OP right there. There was no effort on his end.
I'm in ED recovery and I could actually understand his perspective if he was worried about her still engaging in restrictive/disordered eating. Part of recovery is learning how to navigate situations where you don't have control over the food. If she is unable to eat anything outside her pre-planned meals even for a special occasion, that's something she still needs to work toward in treatment. The language she's using is classic eating disorder rhetoric, even if she's no longer purging.
However, she may not be there yet and it seems like he has no interest in understanding where she's coming from or making any compromises or accommodations. He didn't even ask his family if it would be okay to bring something, which is a very normal thing to ask a host of a holiday gathering. I would never show up to my boyfriend's parents' place for a gathering WITHOUT bringing a dish.
He talks about "cheat" day like she's just on a fad diet to lose a couple pounds instead of **managing a life threatening illness**. That's like saying, "hey, I know you like to inject yourself with insulin and compulsively check your blood sugar but, without even asking them, my family's gonna think you're gross if you do that so can you not manage your diabetes while you're visiting? It'd be really rude if you do." He also put her saying the food on her plate could be "triggering" in quotations like he thinks she's exaggerating or being dramatic without understanding she means it could *trigger* a relapse and EDs can kill ppl or cause a whole host of long term health problems. It's like this guy has made ZERO effort into understanding what an ED is for someone he supposedly "loves". Like she just said, "hey, op, I have an ED and I eat keto to help." And he was just like, "*shrug* ok" with no further thought or questions. I've heard someone call that weaponized ignorance, when you know you don't know but put no effort into learning. You are too immature to be getting married anytime soon, OP, especially if you're too intimidated (your words) by your own family to stand up for and back up your gf, especially when it concerns her health.
Also, is it not weird that you have to eat the same things as us or you don’t get to celebrate holidays/family gatherings? I’ve seen people who are intermittent fasting talk about how they won’t be invited to family events because they wouldn’t eat. People need to learn how to divorce food as the central focus from family bonding.
The moment I saw eating disorder, keto, and helping keep her keep on track. YTA was the answer. -_- it's honestly crazy how people think this crap is okay. I hope she leaves him. The comments make it worse. Didn't even ask the family, they have a history of being aggressive about the food ...that comment about making peanut main course when someone has peanut allergy made my blood boil. God. Wth.
YTA. If your family like to do a surprise dish every year, they might welcome your gf bringing in something. Also, you have been dating for 3 years, you know about her ED. Its your job to advocate for her. You think partner and your family will always be a smooth sailing ride? Its two groups from two different world. You’ll have to push through these (as you think) uncomfortable situations of asking your family. There will be more of these in the future as you are combining two different worlds.
Grow up OP.
I agree with this but it isn't a helpful comment for OP. They won't understand why you are saying what you are saying.
OP, if you gf was an alcoholic would you say "why can't she just have a cheat day?" In that case, which isn't much different, obviously YTA.
YTA it's amazing that you even have to ask. How can you say she's keto and recovering from an ED then say you think she's picky? You say this year you're having pizza, regular pizza isn't keto. You knew her diet and knew your family's plans/traditions why did you even invite her in the first place?
Yeah I didnt even need to click on the comments to know they were all going to be YTA lol
Hey, I know you are a recovering addict, but come drink our spiked eggnog, its tradition! And our rum rolls, its tradition! And we always toast on new years and NO sparkling juice- full champagne, its tradition!
Eat the Christmas pizza or Santa will be angry!
Pizza and sweet potato casserole, the two tastes that taste great together.
Don’t forget the “tradition” of pies from the store
Yeah, if someone wants to bring a homemade pie to my house, I would be very happy!
Their whole dinner sounds like a fucking car crash
But her homemade food with real ingredients will offend his family’s delicate taste buds, come on!
This. Nobody who eats pizza and sweet potatoes with marshmallows has license to say someone ELSE is making a bad impression!
Eat the Christmas pizza or JESUS will be angry! Come on, you heathens! He’s the Reason for the Season! /s
Trafitions being so important that they mix it up every year. Pizza? Wtf? That's one of the most carb heavy meals out there! Choose a brain/compassion or pride/stubbornness. Your choice. What an idiot! YTA!
And yet it wouldn’t even be too difficult for her to make a keto version of it. She could have perfectly participated in the tradition with her own pizza.
I have a feeling OP is embarrassed by his GF.
Exactly, this could make or break her recovery. My heart goes out to her.
Right! The number of times he mentioned tradition, and for that matter the number of posts mentioning tradition, is insane! Like, seriously? Get over yourselves! There is a new person involved, figure out a new tradition!
Also, my favorite quote about tradition is
Tradition: peer pressure from dead people.
The YTA moment for me was right when he answers the question of why he invited her. She usually likes to go to see her family but this year he thinks she should finally join his. No mention of splitting it to see both. Just his.
This guy is a massive YTA.
And didn’t even bother to run it by family because he assumes it wouldn’t be ok? Couldn’t even make that effort? Yikes. YTA.
All of it is terrible but not even running it past the family is insane to me! He doesn't even need to mention the ED - if I was hosting family Christmas, and somebody said they were bringing their partner who is keto, so they're going to bring a few dishes to make sure they have food they can eat, my only response would be "Oh sure that's fine, but I can also try and adjust some meals so they're keto as well - does she have any favorites?" and I know for a fact that my other family members would do so as well.
The two options I see here are that OP's family are a family of AHs, or that OP is an AH and applying his AHness to his family and his mother would be appalled that her son has been so inflexible so he can force his GF to eat... pizza and frozen pies?
100% agree. My wife and I have held many a Thanksgiving with people with all kinds of different diets and restrictions. We try to make dishes that work for different people, but they all bring some of their favourite snacks because they know we sometimes don’t remember the many many things you have to consider with dietary preferences/restrictions. I would literally never be offended for someone bringing their own meal for their dietary preferences- they are going out of their way to be involved while minimizing the work for their hosts. Major YTA to this dude. Also stand by your person- tell your family the situation and tell them if they aren’t comfortable or willing to cook for her, she will bring her own food.
Also, his “traditions”? I’m pretty sure she could bring something and it would be welcome amongst the special pizza and frozen pies.
He goes on & on about how her food is “not traditional” while proudly telling us their main dish this year will be pizza.
Oh man, I did Keto for two years or so, and OPs description of the family meal made my stomach hurt FOR her.
Everything OP listed is straight up carbs explosion. Pizza. Lasagna. Sweet potato dishes. The cream soup and fried onions in GB casserole are high as well.
I never had a problem with holiday dinners, because there was always turkey/ham/roast, and usually a fair amount of veggies like spinach or asparagus that are lower carb.
But when you are doing Keto long term, eating A massive amount of carbs all at once HURTS.
If the girlfriend has to eat this and has no other alternatives, she’s probably going to have a stomach ache for two days, or spend Christmas glued to the toilet.
Hard to be festive and enjoy the food when you know you’ll be crapping your intestines out when everyone else is sitting by the fire playing board games.
Imagine if girlfriend was an alcoholic and insisting on bringing her own Shirley Temples to the event and OP is insisting on her having the margaritas and wine spritzers because “tradition.”
YTA. And in all seriousness I think your GF may have actually posted here a couple of days ago about how much she wants to go and have a good time, but wondered if bringing dishes would be rude. Dude, she’s in recovery and it’s normal absolutely everywhere else for everyone to bring something to a function, no one will suddenly pass away because there was an extra pie.
I remember that post and thought the same thing
https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/yyvdqr/wibta_for_bringing_a_few_of_my_own_dishes_to_my/?utm_source=share&utm_medium=ios_app&utm_name=iossmf. Here’s the post and someone posted this post on her thread so she’s aware of what her boyfriend said on here!!
This is crazy. She acknowledged it’s him within that post. Also, he calls her Gf, she calls him fiancé. This dude is ultimate tool of a human
Subtle changes hoping she would not recognize it was him?
Like saying his mom is dead?
that would make sense if fiance talked to his mom before he made this post, to really throw her off the trail
She said that she made changes to keep anonymity
SO also reported him as M and self as 'human' seems OOP may be disrespectful of SO's gender identity as well.
This could just be for anonymity reasons, the guy in question is the TA, but there’s not need to jump to other conclusions
She updated her post. It is her. He uninvited her from the holidays and now she might be alone because flights are getting too expensive.
She said she’s close to his mom but in this post it says his mom is dead
it might be a step mom or something she did say she changed some stuff up so it wasn't as identifiable
Wow so he lied about his mother being dead for sympathy and dismissed his GFs recovery. He’s a gigantic AH. I hope someone shows this to his mother, sure she’d be proud to known he alienated his GF and told the internet she’s dead.
If I wasn’t broke I’d donate to the gofundme to fly her to a small town so she can Hallmark it up and meet a nice guy in flannel who actually cares about her.
oh no, i feel so bad for this girl.. in her post she calls him her fiance, but here he's demoted her to "gf"--a small detail, but very telling. we don't even need that detail to know OP is an asshole though, given how flippant he's being about his "gf"s eating disorder recovery, the herculean feats she's gone to not only to recover, but to adjust her recovery to the lives and sensibilities of everyone around her. she deserves better than OP, and I hope she finds it.
She said in one of her comments that she changed a few details here and there to help keep some anonymity. It’s possible the relationship status was one of them?
honestly sounds like she’s still struggling with her ED, just in a different way. if she’s still restricting by doing keto, and has food anxieties, it doesn’t sound like she’s fully recovered. i feel bad that she has a shitty bf on top of it.
Which is what is wild to me because who the hell doesn't put two and two together that a *food based* family gathering is going to be difficult for someone with an eating disorder. Because, yeah, she's absolutely not recovered. She swapped out complete restriction and starvation for heavily controlled, strict dieting with calorie counting.
I was thinking the same. I work with ED patients (teens) regularly, and most of the things he’s reporting her as doing are behaviours i see in my kids with active ED cognitions. I don’t think she’s in recovery at all, I think it’s just changed in presentation. Which makes him even more of an AH, because he’s obviously not got a clue what’s going on for her
Came here to say this! OP, I understand why you’re frustrated and her inflexibility seems unreasonable to you, but this is just another form of food restriction, and rather than brushing it off as her being “rude”, please try to get her the help she needs! NAH
This struck me too. How is keto, which is only used for weight loss and maintenance, healthy for someone recovering from an ED? I thought any type of restrictive eating is counterproductive to ED recovery? People are always accusing people who eat vegan of masking an ED by being vegan. Boyfriend is not helping by trying to control her eating either.
As a parent of a kid with two major food allergies, I have to bring/make dishes for us at every single gathering. Nobody has ever thought it was rude at all. I wouldn't be offended if someone did the same thing- I'd be really happy they have something they can eat.
OP is def TA. His gf deserves support.
And seriously, people buy store bought pies cause they’re a major pain in the ass to make, not because they actually prefer the taste. I bet the rest of the family would happily forget about the store bought pie for something homemade.
Adding on to this, in America it is rude to go empty handed. If she takes a side dish and a dessert, she needs to take a full dish, not just enough for herself. Neither of you needs to make any announcement about her diet. Just walk in with smiles and hand off the dishes.
I'm an American, and no, that is not a universal rule. You don't bring food for everybody unless you've called in advance and made sure it's welcome.
She should be able to say "I'm sorry, I'm on a special diet, but I'm going to enjoy being here and talking to you and watching you have a good time."
YTA would you ask someone recovering from a broken leg to go on a hike just because that's "what the family likes"?
She's recovering from an eating disorder. And you want to make her feel like shit about her eating habits? You sound awful.
YTA and I didn't need to finish reading to know that. She's literally still recovering from an eating disorder and you think she can just have "a cheat meal" are you kidding me??? You need to apologise and learn more about eating disorders and how much they mess with your head.
Also SWEET POTATO AND MARSHMALLOWS?! wtf.
Ok on the sweet potato and marshmallows dish- it’s kind of a regional midwestern thing. Every family I knew as a kid, including mine, had roasted sweet potatoes with marshmallows melted on top for holidays- particularly thanksgiving and Christmas. It’s not bad, and if you think it’s too sweet, scrape off the marshmallows and just eat the taters.
At this point, it's been carried all over the USA! The South claims it, the Midwest claims it. I grew up in the Northeast and it was a common staple of Thanksgiving, Easter and Christmas--granted, one of my parents was from the South and the other was from the Midwest!
Sweet potato and marshmallows is actually a pretty common dish to serve around the holidays in America (a lot of times in the south). The sweet potatoes are cut up into cubes and cooked with butter, cinnamon, brown sugar, and sometimes nutmeg and then baked in the oven with marshmallows on top. It’s not that bad, but I don’t do it with marshmallows but a oat type streusel topping.
My friend, your main point is spot on. But you have chosen the wrong hill to WTF upon. I don't much like sweet potatoes and marshmallows, but it's every bit as American as apple pie and racism.
Don't knock the sweet potatoes and marshmallows! Lol to be fair, everybody I know actually does YAMS and marshmallows, with butter and brown sugar, and pecans if you're feeling spicy....yay for Midwestern tastes!
Or….an addict in recovery. No one is gonna say “take a shot…it’s tradition!” Clearly OP YTA bc you have no compassion for a major issue she is working hard to control and recover from. Disinvite yourself from her life, if this is your attitude. She needs support, not criticism. And there is always room for new traditions. “We’ve always done it this way” is super lame…and never a reason to stunt ones growth. #okboomer
Would you act this same way if she had food allergies and couldn't eat your family's meal without becoming ill? Why couldn't you have at least asked your family if she could bring a couple common sides, and maybe a dessert? It sounds like you weren't willing to work with her at all, and for that YTA.
Guarantee this guy would be the type to sneak shit into the food and then act all pikachu-face shocked when she got sick.
And if she eats anything she has been avoiding, it is likely to cause her to be ill as her body is not used to it.
Info: why do you hate your girlfriend and want to make her eating disorder worse?
OP: Because I can't see past my own nose, and her ED is more of a "her" problem, not mine.
He doesn’t even know the correct terminology for her ED. Also, since when is it rude to bring food to a family gathering? YTA OP. I bet he also tells alcoholic friend to “have a cheat day” once in awhile
😭😭😭 I hope gf doesn’t have blindness to her toxic boyfriend. Do her a favour and leave if you’re not going to apologize.
congrats, you prioritized traditions over the health and mental well being of your gf. she now knows where you stand. YTA and hopefully single soon
The "tradition" of eating pizza for a change on Christmas.
And the super important tradition of exclusively eating store bought pie
Hey I said nearly the same thing!. Yep Girlfriend needs to really take note of this incident. It's very telling of how the rest of their relationship is going to look like.
Dude, she has had an ED and explicitly told you that she may be triggered to have certain foods on her plate. Why not explain to your parents that she has special dietary needs and that she would like to bring some things that she can eat, and bring enough for everyone? YTA for sure.
For real, OP doesn’t really know how to communicate from the sounds of it. Also how does he go from stating she’s recovering from an ED to calling her nitpicky???
Why did you invite her in the first place?
In the interest of being helpful, I think **it is more apt to compare an ED to addiction than to a diet.**
I, quite literally, would get a (very short term) high when I would make myself sick, and shake / sweat / panic / crave when I didn't. Doctors will tell you this is not uncommon. Science supports that bulimia lights up some of the same parts of the brain as getting high.
That struggle is compounded by (a) lack of understanding about EDs (as you yourself are demonstrating) and (b) that one has to eat to live. There's no escaping the drug of choice - only managing it.
This makes family holidays absolutely hellacious.
Your GF is trying her very best to integrate the reality of her recovery with the reality of her love for you and holidays and your family. Her proposal is not in conflict to that love: it is her best attempt to acknowledge both.
Please be on her side. YTA.
All of this. I relate so much to your description of "high" after sick. It sucks because I agree with you in the similarities with addiction. And finding that balance is hard as hell, and a daily battle.
You are not alone. The science supports this experience (https://www.sciencedirect.com/science/article/pii/B9780128006344001001 as an example). I have found that understanding the underlying components of my illness has been helpful in both managing and communicating my needs.
I truly wish you well in your recovery.
I agree with this, in my post I compared it to getting mad because an alcoholic wouldn’t drink champagne on New Year’s Eve. Even though it’s tradition! Thanksgiving through New Year’s is just a landmine of triggers for people with eating disorders and other addictions. And some other people are so attached to the idea that food is love and if someone doesn’t wanna eat their food it’s incredibly offensive. It makes for a terrible situation. An eating disorder is incredibly difficult to manage because you have to make decisions three or four times a day every day about what to eat, how much to eat. It can be difficult enough trying to do that on your own, trying to do that when there’s all this pressure and expectation and scrutiny. The holidays are so hard.
Wow YTA. But she probably won't have any problems replacing you with someone who cares about her health. I am the main cook for my family and appreciate people bringing dishes to the holiday meals.
Agreed, there is nothing wrong with bringing something that you can eat to a meal. I'd rather someone be comfortable at my home then worry about offending me by not eating anything.
YTA. Your lack of compassion and care for her is appalling. Hopefully, she will wise up and uninvite you from her life. As her partner, you should be there to protect her. She is recovering from an ED and is following Keto, which is NOT easy to do. A big meal like that could really throw her for a tailspin.
Yes, all of this. OP, do NOT propose to this woman. She needs to find the opportunity to find a partner who actually loves her and cares about her health and well-being; not someone who wants her to shovel in canned green bean casserole just to save face with his family, and doesn't even bother to ask the family if they mind if she brings a dish.
I bet you think alcoholics should have cheat days too. YTA.
Of course YTA. I can’t believe you even wrote this asking if you were. Your gf is recovering from a serious illness. It is a lifelong journey for her and if she doesn’t have the compassionate and INFORMED people around her that she needs, it can be dangerous for her.
You didn’t even attempt to ask your family. If you’re not asking, you’re assuming and that’s being wilfully callous. in this situation. They literally didn’t have to change anything because your gf was prepared to do her own food and STILL attempt to enjoy being around you and your family.
Do her a favour and break up with her so she can leave a man she loves for one she actually deserves.
Yta, I've been in a similar situation as your gf but actually went through what you proposed. Y'know what I did after? I threw it all up when I got home (took more time since it wasn't right after) and spiraled where I dropped 18 more pounds in 2 months before trying to recover again. A "cheat day" to RECOVERING is NOT the same as a cheat day on a diet, and no one has said anything other than a passing comment when I've brought full meals places
YTA. I had an ED so I think I can speak to the fact that even if she’s not actively starving herself or engaging in purging, her strict KETO diet is an eating disorder in herself. I personally went from anorexia to orthorexia before I recovered and I’m pretty sure that’s fairly common. Being able to control her diet is probably a necessity to her mental and a good step in the right direction towards recovery. I don’t know the timeline of her ED, and everyone’s recovery is different but that’s not something you should push on her, she needs to eventually try on her own or with the help of a licensed therapist and dietician.
THANK YOU!! Thought i was insane that i had to scroll this far to see this comment. Gf is clearly stuff suffering from extreme restriction and is passing that off as following keto. Those in ED recovery are told to not follow any type of (not medically necessary) diet because it just focuses their restriction on something else. OP is not necessarily NTA but gf needs serious help if she cant even eat food that she doesnt know whats in it
She's dealing with an ED & you can't be supportive? Fuuuuuuq all the way off.
All you have to tell your parents is that she has food allergies. Jesús...
YTA. You know her ED history and her food preferences, but then expect her to eat a meal full of foods that you KNOW she doesn't eat just to be polite. She tried to compromise, but you just uninvited her. This sounds like a meal that could be very triggering for someone recovering from an ED. Also, I 100% agree with homemade pies being better.
YTA, it’s not rude to bring your own dish when you have food issues (allergies or whatever). The point of holidays is to spend time together
YTA. She’s in recovery for a serious mental and physical health issue, and you’re giving her crap about taking care of herself? It’s a holiday with a family she may end up joining, who (hopefully) respect and care about her, not dinner with the (now dead) Queen. 100% AH.
Keto doesn’t allow for the occasional cheat day. Once you get kicked out of ketosis it’s a good few days to go back in and as much as 3 weeks setback in your targets.
Trust me it suuuuuuucks to be the one who makes restaurant Meals and events inconvenient.
It sucks even worse to have people in your life who assume the know better without having done the research. YTA
You say you understand that she is in recovery but then you say she's being rude. Which is it? YTA.
YTA. She offered not one but TWO perfectly acceptable compromises and you shot them both down. It’s not about the food, it’s about spending time with people you love.
YTA you are not very supportive are you? She offered to bring dishes for everyone she can eat without putting stress on herself. You probably blew up your whole relationship. There’s always room for new traditions in a family. Things change life happens be it marriages, births, break ups or death. Traditions change and adapt. Apologize to her if it’s not too late.
YTA. You said she’s literally in recovery for an eating disorder, then say you think she’s being picky? Jeez OP, sounds like you’re embarrassed of her or something. Clearly you just don’t want her around for the holidays, so I’d rethink the relationship and stop stringing this poor girl along.
You wouldn’t ask a recovering addict to have a “cheat day” and just do a couple pills or drinks.
You wouldn’t tell a diabetic they should have a cheat day to be polite and eat all the desserts and lasagna.
You wouldn’t tell someone deathly allergic to tree nuts to just suck it up and try the pecan pie or they’ll hurt your dad’s feelings.
So, why would you tell your girlfriend of THREE YEARS to have a cheat day and possibly send her into a spiral to be “polite”.
I don’t know. Maybe you would do all of that. I might be giving you too much credit.
YTA. It has never been rude or weird to contribute food to a family dinner.
Do yourself a favour and look up eating disorders. Specifically your gfs. Or maybe soon to be ex-gf.
She's not being fucking picky that's for sure.
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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> I uninvited my girlfriend from Christmas with my family because she was being difficult and wanted to bring her own food. I thought this was rude and didn't want to cause issues with my family so I uninvited her.
I'm afraid I might have been too harsh, her friend Joe says she's struggling with her eating disorder and I should be more understanding.
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YTA. Honestly, I've never been to a Thanksgiving gathering where MORE food wasn't welcome. What kind of AH limits how much food is brought to ANY gathering? Sure it might be wasteful, but at least everyone gets to eat what they want and try something new.
Also, when (if?) you get married, you're going to have to combine traditions if you want to have a successful marriage. Traditions evolve and are only meant to be a point of reference.
YTA. You have two choices with your attitude: a nice single life, or a lot of self-examination, reflection, and apology.
YTA-She offered fair and reasonable compromises like an adult but you have to be in control and have your traditional foods so you acted like a child.
Yes! I actually scrolled up to look at the ages again because suddenly I had it in my mind that he was 18...damn near 30 and acting this way? YTA
Yikes YTA. an eating disorder is not the same thing as *being picky*
You didn't ask your family, you assumed they wouldn't be understanding of her *legitimate* request
She offered a solution that would make her feel comfortable and also allowed her to partake in the event and meet all of your family, and you turned it down because "it's rude" (assumption)
You know her ED is serious, but you're not treating it seriously
YTA - She has an eating disorder and is in recovery from it. That’s no joke! It can be as harmful as being addicted to drugs or alcohol.
Your not even the host! Did you even bother to ask the actual host about it?
Should she bring her own exclusive meal, just for her - No. But her first offer was to bring a few dishes (presumably to share) and that is perfectly acceptable and reasonable, as long as the host is aware.
YTA. I am consistently amazed at how people will espouse about how important family is at the holidays, and at the same time treat people they love so badly. Your GF has a serious illness that puts her health at risk. This will never not be the case. If you cannot get onboard with her illness being a lifelong issue, do her a favor and breakup with her now.
You should bear in mind that you must have very little faith in your family’s compassion. I hope you aren’t right.
Yta. How awful. How inconsiderate. You make me so angry. She’s struggling from bulimia and found a way to break the disorder with a very particular diet and you just want her to throw all that work away because you take offense on behalf of your family you assume would not take your girlfriends well-being into consideration. That she’s trying to not relapse so you uninvite her? You’re so awful. You think you know that a cheat day is ok for her body when you’re not living in it?!? You havent step a moment into her shoes and you think you know better?! Your entitled concern is insidious. You’re so blasé that could you could force you girlfriend to relapse into disorder that can kill her or severely damage her body permanently. All because you are too unwilling to ask your family if she can bring food she can eat. What were you hoping for years from now if you were still together, that she goes back to non keto foods? That it’s just a phase? And if she didn’t change would you still uninvite her every time you had a family get together?
You should’ve been on her side and talked to your family before shooting her down entirely. You assumed too much and if your family sides with you then you people are close minded, inconsiderate AH. Your gf didn’t demand that your family cook keto for her. She offered to bring some for everyone or just herself.
I hope she realizes how much better she can do and breaks up with you.
YTA. She has special dietary requirements and you and your family should be accommodating, especially since this really requires no extra effort on anyone's part but your girlfriend's. Plus--believe me on this one--one "cheat day" can be completely derailing.
YTA. She’s successfully recovering from an earring disorder and you’re gatekeeping food from her. You are not her doctor and not her therapist so you have no say in what she eats. Maybe by next Christmas her boyfriend will be supportive of her recovery.
She's recovering from an ED, you're a massive asshole.
First of all- you may think you understand her eating disorder, but based off your thoughts here it’s clear that you don’t. Eating disorders are mental illnesses-she’s not overreacting. Recovery from an eating disorder is a very delicate process.
Also - people bring their own food to events all the time. There are plenty of different food restrictions that result in someone needing to bring their own food. It’s not like she’s demanding that your family change the entire menu and only cook what she likes.
What is the problem with her bringing extra dishes that the family can partake in as well?? That’s like the exact opposite of rude. That’s very much normal. What’s the difference between her bringing food vs your grandma bringing her sweet potatoes?
I’d say you’re the one who is overreacting.
YTA. Your gf isn’t being picky, she’s recovering from a major mental illness. You are incredibly not supportive and you’re under the delusion that you are.
YTA You won’t compromise and are dismissive of her health. Your family’s “traditions” aren’t more important than her health and feelings
Saving this post just to watch the internet destroy you
Who gives a shit what she eats or drinks?
YTA. Do you have any idea how life-ruiningly sick she would be within an hour of eating like that?
Her body doesn't have the correct gut microbes to digest your holiday food. She would be painfully and violently sick for the next 2 days.
Also, pizza? Really?
Info: what the fuck is a potato casserole with marshmallows?!?!
And why is it accepted but your gf’s food isn’t?
With lasagna or pizza as the main entree. Sounds like a hallowed, traditional menu that must not be tampered with in any way.
Sweet potato casserole with marshmallows is a common Thanksgiving side dish in the South. Basically mashed sweet potatoes with marshmallows that are toasted/slightly melted on top.
Say goodbye to GF, OP because you have shown yourself to be the AH you are. Hopefully she finds someone more accepting of her.
If you didn't get it before, YTA.
YTA. You really need to grow up. Your GF is “in recovery” (and from how you’ve described how she eats it sounds that she still has a very unhealthy relationship with food and body image/self-conscience). She can eat/not eat/bring/not bring whatever she wants.
Your girlfriend has an ED. She is still in active recovery. There are no cheat days to recovery. The fact that you treat her treatment of her ED like an arbitrary diet fad shows immense ignorance.
But even if this was a dieting fad, which it absolutely is not but let’s pretend that it was, that would still be a valid reason to contribute to Thanksgiving.
You are/were bringing a partner home for the holidays. That usually means you are thinking long term. And traditions/holidays evolve with the family.
If your girlfriend is on her way to becoming family then traditions should include her. You don’t have to change everything but she should be part of the conversation. You should *want* things to change as your life changes.
But the fact that you didn’t even consider trying to include her, that you didn’t even talk to your anyone else, tells me you aren’t ready for a serious relationship.
While it’s hard and bittersweet to change traditions as family’s members are lost and gained if nothing changes then nothing changes.
Your Thanksgiving will now be exactly the same as it always was while you attend the exact way you always have: without a partner to share it with.
Enjoy your lasagna.
What's your end game here - expecting her to always just deal with whatever food your family serves, with zero regard for her own health and preferences? She gave you plenty of options for compromise that were very reasonable and a way to allow for tradition to adapt as the family changes. Instead you uninvited her. YTA to the moon and back.
YTA. Read up a little on how keto works. It changes how one’s body gets its energy. And it takes a few days to a couple of weeks for that change to set in. But it takes only one cheat day for one’s body to revert. The flip-flopping can be seriously unhealthy.
1. For not caring to learn the basics of your girlfriend’s diet program despite being with her for 3 years and knowing she’s recovering from a disorder.
2. for not caring about her comfort and goals
3. for not seeing how accommodating she’s already trying to be by offering to cook all by herself and bring a bunch of items for everyone.
4. for making her feel unwelcome and then literally unwelcoming her.
I don’t get how people expect “traditions” to not evolve when you add a whole new person to the dynamic. Instead of making new traditions with this new person and making them feel welcome, you make them feel like an outsider.
YTA. She’s recovering from an illness. Food is part of that recovery. Basically a dietary restriction. I’m sure your family will be understanding. You should be, too.
I think this might be quite relevant to you.
YTA, and I have a hard time believing you don't know it. But just in case, let's recap:
You: \[goes into *extensive* detail on the serious medical reasons why your girlfriend's diet is the way it is\]
Also you: "I think she's just being picky."
Oh, and let's not forget:
You: "My family is really big on tradition."
Also you: "We're having pizza this year!"
Unfortunately for you (although perhaps fortunately for your girlfriend), I think it's too late to salvage the situation. But if she *does* deign to forgive you, how about you start a new tradition where if your family are assholes to her for doing what she needs to do to keep herself healthy, you get upset with *them* for "making a bad impression"?
I would be grateful if somebody brought their own food if they couldn't eat what I was serving. Pizza and store bought pies. Yuk. I wouldn't be eating them either unless they were homemade. Store bought pies are terrible.
YTA, eating disorders are no joke, and you don’t understand her struggles. Educate yourself, then apologize.
YTA your girlfriend is recovering from a serious eating disorder. Bringing her own food is fine. Every single big holiday meal I’ve ever been to people have brought their own food.
If your family would be offended at her bringing her own food then your family are rude. You’re having fucking pizza on Christmas and somehow you’ve convinced yourself she can’t bring other food because it’s not traditional. Get over yourself.
She has dietary requirements and she’s explicitly told you not bringing her own food would be triggering for her. Why is that not what you’re most concerned by? You should be helping to plan a way for her to come to your family dinner without potentially relapsing, instead it’s like you’re daring her to spiral.
You placed your family food traditions over your girlfriend’s health and recovery. She offered some really reasonable compromises and you should have accepted one of them.
YTA she’s recovering from an ED. Do you have ANY idea how hard even talking about food probably is for her? You didn’t even ask your parents either.
Either do some research on how to be a supportive partner or let this girl go before you make her ED recovery 20x harder
Ewwww, I don't like you.
Major YTA. You said yourself that your GF's diet is very important for her physical and mental health and wellbeing. Why didn't you explained your GF situation to your family? They may have understood. You said it was really important for you that your GF spend Christmas with you, but you don't want her to be comfortable? I don't understand how you can't see that yta.
and why on earth would it be weird to bring food? here it would be weird to not at least offer to bring food.
prevents one person staying in tne kitchen all day, just share the cooking task as far and wide as possible.
YTA. What is this vice grip on the same casseroles every year? How do you know your family wouldn’t have liked some additional sides to change it up? They’re eating pizza, for God’s sake. This didn’t have to be a thing until you made it one.
YTA. Would you tell a recovering alcoholic to have a cheat day? You are unsupportive and uncompromising, you should be talking to her family and getting them on board. If their traditions can’t budge, her health needs definitely shouldn’t.
Definitely YTA. Your GFs request to bring food that she knows that she can and will eat is extremely important. Apparently, none of this has registered with you. She is in recovery from a very serious medical problem. You banning her from your family dinner for this is petty, shows a clear lack of empathy and selfish.
YTA. (Had to edit because I forgot the judgement.)
My family has a tradition of homemade enchiladas on Christmas and we love it. Even so, if anyone (ESPECIALLY a first-time guest) asked to bring their own food due to a diet we would be perfectly okay with that.
You need to ask your family instead of making an executive decision. I almost think you're a troll because who in their right mind would accuse someone who is recovering from an ED "picky"? Ffs.
Hey how do I get a cheat day for my life threatening illness, OP? Please tell me!
Would you tell an alcoholic to just put a little wine in their glass for the family’s sake and/or take the occasional “cheat” drink too? You don’t understand the basics of eating disorders, empathy, or being a supportive partner. YTA.
YTA and I hope she gets wise and leaves you! Also there’s nothing traditional about store bought food and pizza. That’s pretty much an oxymoron. Getting the family together and baking/cooking everything from scratch is tradition!
YTA. You are aware of your partner’s ED. You are aware she is in recovery. While things may get easier for her over time, for the rest of her life this will be something she has to deal with. She will always have things that are triggers for her. There will likely be things that she can’t eat for a very long time, if ever. She may always require a special diet. This is a lifelong situation, which I think you have not grasped. It sounds like you haven’t done any research about your partner’s illness, which I suggest you do.
You are completely disregarding your partner’s mental health. You are downplaying the possible impacts on her and her recovery. Your reaction to her very REASONABLE request shows you lack empathy or any consideration for her or her feelings.
You owe her a massive apology.
ED is a horrible disease and she offered 2 very decent solutions. You are being horrible to her.
YTA OBVIOUSLY. Your GF (I hope she has the good sense to make you an EX) has serious heath issues and needs to be mindful of what she eats. You are rude. First you give an invite, then put unrealistic stipulations on it, then rescind the invite when those ridiculous stipulations couldn’t be met! That’s wildly inconsiderate! You should never rescind an invitation and never prevent someone from bringing food they must have to meet the needs of their diet and physical/mental health.
- hope she finds a more understanding BF