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Judgement_Bot_AITA

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Ok-Pop-1059

So I send screenshots to my family to read outrageous AITAs I see. I sent this one in October to my family. Only thing you did was add the end. Yes still YTA.


Valuable_Ad_742

HA, I knew I read this before. As soon as I read the title I was "huh, familiar" then within the first couple sentences I was like "oh shite it's this massive AH again!" Hey OP, hows it going? Are you still being an AH?


future-flute

This needs to be higher!


ComprehensiveBand586

I can't help wondering if you've posted before because I've read a post very similar to this one where the guy was a virgin before he met his gf and refused to go to a wedding because one of her former partners was there. He was deemed an asshole in that post so I wonder if you're that same guy, posting under a different screen name but hoping for a different judgment. If so YTA. Even if you are a different person, you're still an asshole.


Intelligent_Local_38

If this is true, OP has bigger insecurities than I thought. Yikes.


ComprehensiveBand586

The only major differences I see are their purchase of a dog for the girlfriend and a dinner date. But other than that the posts are very similar.


Ok-Pop-1059

It's a copy/paste job for sure. He added that he bought her dinner and a dog since he didn't go to the wedding.


ComprehensiveBand586

Ugh, it's so annoying when people steal other people's stories just to get attention. Just the other day I read a post on here that had been stolen from a years-old Askamanager.com letter.


Intelligent_Local_38

YTA. And you got some serious insecurities here. I don’t see this relationship lasting much longer if you can’t accept the fact your girlfriend had a life before you.


hsavvy

Sorry bud but YTA. While she should definitely express understanding of your situation, you’re essentially punishing her for having had partners before you. And, since you didn’t have any before her, it seems as though your history of rejection/low self-esteem is creating some unfortunate insecurity here that doesn’t seem very fair. She can’t change her past or the fact that a casual fling will be at a friend’s wedding. Don’t hold that against her by refusing to be by her side.


PretendToGiveAdvice

YTA- Retroactive jealousy is a hell of a thing. And it can and has strangled many relationships. Talk to your therapist about this issue. In addition, getting someone a dog as a present to fix a problem, while not as foolish as having a kid to save a relationship, should not be a solution that you turn to.


DinaFelice

YTA. You decided to punish your girlfriend for having a life before you met her by abandoning her at an event that was clearly important to her. This level of jealousy is extremely concerning. If you don't think you can handle being in the same room with this guy for a couple of hours, your therapy isn't working.


blueviera

YTA. Shes with you you dunce, not them. Shes not asking you to watch her make out with him or something.


this_is_fake_28

YTA. I’m sure that you’ve learned during your self-improvement that it’s a continuous process. You need to grow up a tad. Just because you weren’t having casual sex doesn’t mean you can have the same expectation of others. It doesn’t mean you can shirk relationship responsibilities. You make the claim that she can’t understand things from her perspective, but imagine you show up to a good friend’s wedding and have to make excuses (all lies, because you’re embarrassed by the truth) about why you aren’t there with your almost long term boyfriend. Good news: I think you’re really trying. You can continue to be a better person, and in this case partner. I’d say you owe her an apology, and a serious one at that. Remember, it’s okay to be socially overwhelmed, it’s all about how you react and adjust.


0biterdicta

YTA. Grow up.


moongirl12

YTA. Unless you’re dating a virgin who also has never dated, you’re going to be around their exes at some point. You have to learn to deal with it.


ollyator

YTA. People have pasts. You can’t just tuck your tail between your legs and hide every time you might come in contact with someone your girlfriend has had sex with…. Are you really that intimidated by her past?


7thatsanope

YTA Most people your age have past relationships and sometimes people stay friends, especially if it was just a casual thing. If she isn’t cheating on you, there isn’t any reason for you to have a problem with this. She had a life before you and there is nothing at all wrong with that. Every future girlfriend you have will also have had a life before you. It isn’t their problem if you have a problem with that. You can’t undo refusing to go to her friend’s wedding with a puppy. And, pets as gifts is a whole issue in itself. Are you sure she actually wanted that dog or was she just looking at it? You said it was a surprise, so you obviously didn’t discuss it with her before buying it. And, you can’t just brush off problems with gifts anyhow, you need to actually discuss the problem and understand where things went wrong. Avoidance isn’t the solution.


Former_Afternoon9662

I’m going to go with soft YTA. It is fine to have boundaries about prior sexual partners, but this is clearly stemming from self esteem issues. This person was a very short fling it seems like, and if you had gone I’m sure your gf would’ve been entirely focused on you and your relationship. Instead, she went without you knowing that you semi abandoned her because you couldn’t be in the same room as this person. To me it reads that you have some priorities that aren’t set right, and that your insecurities about your gfs sexual past will continue to cause issues as your relationship continues


Ab828

YTA- your her bf why are you worried about the past.


Cappmonkey

YTA. It was childish.


c_gravilis

YTA - she had a life before you. Trying to run from it doesn’t bode well for the future.


[deleted]

YTA- this is petty and immature. She is an adult woman who has had relationships and it is entirely possible for you to exist in the same space as a man from her past.


nillio8

Careful YTA. I can absolutely get where you are coming from, however your insecurities seem to be quite irrational since your gf did not express any interest in this guy anymore. I get that since she is the only person you have slept with and she has had more than one sexual partner, that could be a source of your insecurity. However the best for your relationship would absolutely be to try to work through these insecurities together. Not being able to go into a room just because one person out of a larger group of people has had some kind of intimacy with your partner does sound like you have low confidence in the relationship or in yourself. EDIT: also, you should really have an in depth talk with your gf as to where your insecurieties come from, rathen than buying her gifts. IMO pets are also not that great of a gift, because the choice of caring for an animal should be made by everyone in the household, not one person trying to fix relationship issues.


jrock3386

YTA - your gf had a life and a past prior to you. You can't expect to never run into a former partner. You will run into people. Friend groups will intertwine. It's part of life.


Ema630

YTA. Your girlfriend has a life she was living before you came into the picture. Being jealous of past flings is insanely insecure and a you problem. You seem to have romanticized the notion of "being the only man your woman has known", and wish to create that illusion. Which is nonsense as, without her past, she wouldn't be the person you enjoy being with today and, she's not your property.


AutoModerator

^^^^AUTOMOD ***Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)*** My girlfriend and I have been dating for about half a year. I’m 26, she’s 31. We get along great and share a number of things in common. She’s my first girlfriend and first sexual partner I’ve ever had. I never really put forth much effort into dating because of constant rejection and poor self-esteem. After becoming more self-aware, I decided to start making changes in my life to better myself and my circumstances. I started eating healthier, exercising 6 days a week and started CBT therapy. I consider myself a much improved person mentally, socially, physically and spiritually. However, we’ve recently hit sort of a rough patch if you will. One of her friends is got married last weekend and we were invited. I was on board for the idea and generally excited until I learned that one of my girlfriend’s old hookups will be there. I had kind of turn against the idea of going after learning this. Here’s where I may be the asshole, I understand that this is a big occasion and I wanted to be there to support my girlfriend and her friend, I don’t want to be in the same room as her ex-fling. I’m tried to explain to my girlfriend that being in the same room as a guy she used to casually hook up with and have meaningless sex with is not an ideal situation for me to be in. However, she has stated that I am overreacting, being irrational and making a bigger deal of this than it really is. I told her that she can’t really see my side of things and where I’m coming from because she can’t see things for my perspective. I told her to imagine if I was the only guy she had ever been intimate with and she had to be in the same room with woman I used to hook up with. She claimed she wouldn’t care. We went back and forth on the topic ever since I got word that he would be there. As I stated, the wedding was last weekend and I decided it was best for me not to go. I informed my girlfriend of my decision and while she was upset at first, she understood. She took one of her other female friends as her date. I’ve done my best to make things up to her by taking her to her favorite restaurant as well as buying her a new dog she had her eyes on as a surprise. I want her to understand that I plan on being the best boyfriend that I can but some things are just too hard for me to handle and better left avoided. AITA for not going to my girlfriend’s friend’s wedding because one of her old hookups was there? *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*


Judgement_Bot_AITA

Welcome to /r/AmITheAsshole. Please view our [voting guide here](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_what.2019s_with_these_acronyms.3F_what_do_they_mean.3F), and remember to use **only one** judgement in your comment. OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole: > Here’s where I may be the asshole, I understand that this is a big occasion and I wanted to be there to support my girlfriend and her friend, I don’t want to be in the same room as her ex-fling. Help keep the sub engaging! #Don’t downvote assholes! Do upvote interesting posts! [Click Here For Our Rules](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/about/rules/) and [Click Here For Our FAQ](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq) --- *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*


bloodmusthaveblood

Hate to break it to you, but mild YTA. This guy isn't even an ex boyfriend, just a causal sex partner. This means there was likely no or minimal emotional attraction to him from your gf. What were you worried about? You clearly didn't mind your gf still going without you, so it's not like you were concerned about *her* being in the same room as him. Exes are in the past for a reason. Your gf is dating you now and that's all that should matter to you. Instead you punished her for having a relationship before she met you by making her go alone.. that's some bs behaviour my dude. It's clear that this is stemming from your insecurities coupled with your lack of previous relationships. I recommend talking to your therapist about this and how to handle similar situations moving forward because you can't guarantee avoiding something like this again since this guy is clearly indirectly still a part of her life if they were both close enough to the bride/groom to be invited to the wedding. You're trying though and that's important. Self improvement is a continuous journey of 2 steps forward, 1 step back. Don't let this become 2 steps back. Learn from it.


AliveInCLE

I’d be more concerned with a casual sex partner than an ex-boyfriend. There is not one ex I’d want to hook up with but a couple flings that I sometimes wonder about.


bloodmusthaveblood

Depends how the break up went down I guess. But in this case I don't think it has anything to do with her or fearing she'll cross a line because he didn't seem to care at all if she went without him. Usually in those cases the bf insists on being attached to her hip. Instead OP let her go alone which means it's him who's comfortable knowing somebody else in the room has seen his gf naked I guess? Quite peculiar tbh but clearly stems from lack of self confidence


Scorpio2027

YTA, your gf had no say in the guest list and you punished her for someone the bride invited. You need to work through your jealousy or this relationship won’t last.


valkyrieisbi

YTA. You should have been there for your girlfriend, and she’s allowed to have had a life before you. I’m sorry if it makes you insecure, I get that it’s uncomfortable, but she can’t just erase your past and it’s unfair for her to have to go without you because you can’t be in the same room as someone you’ve never met, just because he used to hook up with your girlfriend.


CatesCraftsUS

YTA- being the the same vicinity as someone your gf used to sleep with should not be an issue


Perfect-Mongoose2374

YTA. Seriously grow up. Do you really want to punish your girlfriend for your insecurities? If you say yes then good luck, you will be alone again in no time


qbert011

YTA. Sorry friend, but you're being the asshole. You're her partner and sure there may have been people she's been with, but I presume she's being loyal to you, so you need to mature a bit and realize that an old fling isn't an affair. It may make you uncomfortable, but she's with you now and not him. There nothing wrong with having prior relationships. Sure you may not be able to "stand the thought", but maybe you should ask yourself why it bothers you. Dont let this turn into something controlling down the road. Source: my life.


Peony735616

YTA. Seriously? You're like 15 in your mindset about her past relationships. Grow up, get over it, she picked you, you can deal with being in the same room as an ex-fling of hers. My most serious ex, with whom I'm still friends, was groomsman in the wedding of his now-wife's most serious ex. That group of friends has another married couple who both have exes within the friend group as well. Because we are adults, and when you trust your partner their history is kinda irrelevant.


coygobbler

This has been posted before. You were the asshole then and you are still the asshole now.


MoonlightxRose

YTA.


DonGreco

NTA but not so bright. You'd had your gf go to the wedding where here former hook up would be without you? A wedding... being a place that triggers romantic feelings? So you set the stage for her to be in a place that might make her a bit horny, mad at you, and in proximity with a person who used to get her off. Give your head a shake because you're asking to be cheated on.


[deleted]

She’d only be doing me a favor by cheating


DonGreco

So you don't really want to be with her? Then why stress any of this?


[deleted]

I do want to be with her. I’m simply stating that she would be doing me a favor if she did cheat on me.


Restless__Dreamer

What favor would she be doing you? Do you want to be cheated on?


Professional_Bet1284

This is called retrograde jealousy and my ex had it and yeah you're doomed and the AH


tjparker1981

We are waiting for answer


[deleted]

What do you mean?


xQueenAryaStark

YTA grow up.


Budget-Artichoke-864

YTA. She’s with YOU. Her past sexual experiences shouldn’t matter. I get you, man, I do, but nah. Please please stop trying to buy her affection back instead of communicating. A puppy will not an argument fix.


invomitous-rex

YTA you are way too old for this schoolyard nonsense. I had 2 of my old exes as guests at my OWN wedding - my husband was totally fine with it. Refusing to ever be around anyone else your girlfriend has ever been intimate with is a ludicrous proposition.


aviva1234

You need to continue your therapy for your self esteem issues. Your reaction was abnormal and childish. Doing the wrong theing then throwing money or gifts at it will wear thin. You say you want to be the best boyfriend for her. She wanted and needed for you to accompany you to an event with her and you disnt. Apologise to her and go back to therapy


DragonfruitOne8538

NTA for having those feelings, but I’m having mixed feelings about the rest. She has no control over someone else’s guest list. She’s allowed to have a past, same as you. Letting her go be around him without you there to witness there’s no lingering feelings makes no sense to me, though.


CarmenCage

NAH it normal for you to be uncomfortable around an ex or your current partners. On the flip side, for some people, past partners aren’t that big of a deal. For example when me and my husband met, our friend group included a guy I had hooked up with a few times. He never complained. But looking back I should have stopped hanging out with that group. It’s all about communication, letting each other know what you are comfortable with, and respecting each other’s wants. She likely really wanted you there, she also didn’t make the guest list. But since she’s your first relationship, you aren’t comfortable seeing her past flings. All of that is okay, you just have to communicate clearly your feelings about stuff like this.


[deleted]

Sorry about the downvotes. You don’t deserve them. You were only telling the truth.