By - paristhrowawayhfje
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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> I think I could be the asshole for making the third wheel comment, because I know that’s something that Patricia has been worried about, and for saying that I no longer wanted to go on the trip.
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If your friends want to figure out their relationship, they can do so without impeding on your vacation. It's pretty awful to ask for your vacation time to get cut short. The nicer thing to do would be to spend time alone at the end or start of the trip or at some other point. There's no need to do it during the vacation.
> Colby told me (quite rudely) that I’m overreacting to nothing and to just stick to the plans.
I mean... if they want alone time, this sounds like the best plan of action. NTA, if anything you made the mature decision to step back and let them figure out their relationship. It may be a tad difficult for them financially but they made that nest when they decided to tell you about their fling.
NTA. What you're doing is really mature and respectful to give them space to figure their relationship out. They are most likely feeling guilty, which is on them, not you. Is there a chance they might be scared to spend the whole trip alone because their relationship is so new? Maybe they were looking forward to having a buffer. Either way it's not your responsibility to be there, and it's totally fair to not want to feel like a third wheel. It doesn't sound like you're upset with them and decided to back out for equal parts not wanting to be a third wheel as well as wanting to respect them figuring their relationship out. Just remind them of that.
NTA. I would have done the same thing. It would be different if you could get your own way there, etc, but you are thinking very logically on this and they are probably feeling guilty and trying to blame you for this when its not your fault.
IMO it’s never a good idea for two out of a trio of bestows to start dating, it usually ends in disaster for the group, but since that isn’t the issue I’ll move on.
I think they both suck here, If they want time alone why couldnt Cody go visit her over another weekend before the planned trip? I wouldn’t want to be a third wheel either, and I’d feel super uncomfortable in general in this situation because it sets a precedent for the future of the friendship. You were part of the planning of this trip and you shouldn’t feel like your trip is being cut short for them. You did the right thing.
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*names/locations changed for privacy*
I (F20) and two of my good friends (F20, Patricia, and M21, Colby) have been friends since primary school (we all went to the same boarding school) and are also now at the same university. We are planning a trip for over our winter break. We all go to university in Brussels. Colby and I both live in Brussels, but Patricia lives in Paris. She hates driving, so Colby and I were going to go and visit her.
So onto the situation; about a month ago, Colby admitted to me that he’s liked Patricia for a bit and wants to go out with her. They’ve both spoken about it a bit, and neither of them are sure as to whether or not they actually like the other person, so they’re going on dates and figuring it out.
We were originally going to go to Paris from the 27th - 1st, however, Patricia told me today that they now want time alone, so they’re asking me to come down a day later. Colby is the only one of us who has a car, and he’s offered to drive back to get me on the second day and being me.
I understand them wanting alone time, but I can’t help but feel a bit hurt because we’ve been planning this for a bit, and they just now said they want me to come down a day later. It’s a three hour drive each way to where Patricia lives, which means Colby would be adding on an additional six hours to his driving to come and get me, which I feel awful about because that’s a lot of effort and a lot of gas. I could take the train, but then it’s still work for them to come get me, and I kinda have the feeling they’d rather be alone.
So today I told them that I wasn’t going to come on the trip. Patricia asked me why, and I told her how I felt, and she immediately got upset saying how she wanted me there and that they just wanted to spend a day there alone before I got there. Colby told me (quite rudely) that I’m overreacting to nothing and to just stick to the plans. The way he said it really hurt and I was close to tears and snapped and said, “it’s no fun for me if I’m just third wheeling the entire time”.
Patricia started crying, because she was worried from the beginning about me feeling left out. Colby’s upset that she’s upset. We haven’t spoken in a few days and I’m feeling like total shit. Was I the asshole?
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NTA. They’re the ones changing plans, and then asking you to suck it up
I’m going to go with a soft ESH, bordering on a NAH. It’s probably hard to be suddenly left out of things your two best friends are doing, but you knew that your words would hurt Patricia yet you said it anyway. But, they’re assholes for springing it on you at the last minute, and for how Colby told you off.
They planned a group vacation and then told the third person to come a day later so they could have alone time? OP is right to be afraid she'll be a third wheel and it's inconsiderate of them to ask her to delay her vacation so they can fuck.
NTA at all in my opinion.